Rick and Morty (2013) s03e04 Episode Script

Don't let any of those things get away, Morty.
It their DNA gets into Earth's food chain, our entire species could be sterilized.
Then why aren't we killing them? Right, next time I need a species sterilized, who's gonna do it for me, you? Whoa! Rick! I-Is that the Vindibeacon? We're being called to assemble by the Vindicators! I refuse to answer a literal call to adventure, Morty.
Let it go to voice mail.
Rick, the Vindicators only call when the universe itself is at stake.
They're the first line of defense against evil.
They're the guardians of the unguarded! They're the writers of their own press releases, Morty.
They're a bunch of drama queens that spend an hour talking and 20 minutes jumping around while shit blows up.
They're a phase.
We did one, it was the big even of that summer, let it die.
I, Morty Smith, invoke my right to choose one in every 10 Rick and Morty adventures.
God damn it! Read 'em and weep.
Fine.
But don't say I didn't warn you.
Yes! Vindicator Command Ship Beacon received.
We're doing Vindicators Twoooooo! Whoops.
Uh, Morty, you might want to freeze some sperm.
Supernova: Vindicators.
Worldender is back, and this time he's out to end more than worlds.
We have reason to believe his stronghold is located on My balls.
Rick! The Terraneous system.
Once in range, Million Ants will scan for pheromone activity which should lead us to the location of the base.
Oh, that's Million Ants.
I can't see the ants from over here, I just assumed that was, uh, turd man, wiggly turd man.
Rick, stop! Rick, you have something to add to the briefing? Uh, yeah, just a few more design notes Um, this guy, the, uh the, uh I am Crocubot.
Right, Crocubot.
So, you're half cold, unfeeling reptile, half also cold equally unfeeling machine.
Yes.
Wow.
So, your origin is what? Y-You fell into a vat of redundancy? Got damn! Noob Noob, we're having a briefing.
If I can continue, Rick.
I anticipate sophisticated security measures.
I trust you can be of service there.
Well, let me check my list of powers and weaknesses.
Ability to do anything But only whenever I want Yeah, that sounds like a job for me.
I wish he had the ability to check his attitude.
Alan Rails, ladies and gentlemen.
After his parents tragic death in a railroad accident, he gained the power to summon ghost trains.
It's not all bad though, they were spared having to see their grown son wear a WHISTLE.
Got damn! Thanks, Noob Noob.
This guy gets it.
Vance Maximus, Renegade Star Soldier Sorry I'm late.
It was happy hour.
Happy hour.
Uh, I was also late because of my drinking and mentioned it to zero applause.
Rick Sanchez.
Tinkerer of Terror.
Man, that's hard to say.
And Morty, right? Whoa, yeah! I never forget a kid.
What do you say, Vindicators, let's make this three for three? - Haha! - Yes! Did he say "three for three"? Did he say he never forgets a kid? You mean two for two, right, Vance? Actually, we assembled a second time last summer to fight Doomnomitron.
So this is Vindicators Three? And you guys did Vindicators Two without us? I sense insecurity.
Are you sure there's not just a picnic nearby? I guess he found his crowd.
Pretty toothless stuff, guys.
I hope you're happy with the adventure so far, Morty.
These guys are even lamer than last time.
We weren't here last time, remember? They did a whole Vindicators without us.
A bunch of them got killed, too.
They lost Lady Katana, Calypso, Diablo Verde Yikes.
Yeah, things did feel less diverse in there.
This article says the reason we weren't involved was "personality conflicts.
" Don't worry, Morty, they love you.
Superheroes need a wide-eyed unremarkable to tag along and react to everything like it's mind blowing.
I think the personality conflict might have been you? Jesus How awesome is that? I mean, they wanted to not need me so bad they murdered three innocent heroes of color and they still had to bring me back? Rick, since it's my adventure and all, could you do me a favor? Uh, the adventure is the favor, Morty.
Me sleeping on these linens is the favor.
I mean, w-w-what what are we vindicating? Comfort? Rick, this really bums me out.
It-It's embarrassing to find out these guys don't like us.
Why? Morty I defeat gagoos more powerful than these guys every week.
Yeah, but not heroes.
Oh, please, they just call themselves heroes so they can I'm calling them that, Rick! They're my heroes.
Mine! Huh, no accounting for taste.
I'm gonna go get a drink.
PA System: Good morning, Vindicators.
Ship has arrived at Terraneous system.
All Vindicators report to the briefing room.
The The room from the, uh the Uh, it's the d It's a different room than Than conference room.
I'm sorry, it's my first day as a PA System.
First-day jitters.
Oh, God.
Good morning.
Looks like your grandpa had a long night.
Crocubot, why don't you escort Mr.
Sanchez to a more comfortable spot so that someone can clean up his diarrhea.
Oooh, I'm nervous about my first mission! Actually, Noob Noob, you have a new mission.
Got damn.
Vindicators, prepare for arrival.
Morty, the Vindicators and I had a chat this morning, and I'm afraid we need to make a little change.
I-I totally get it.
I-I'm so sorry.
You should be.
Running around in a yellow T-shirt like you're not one of us.
Disgraceful.
I-I-I'm not a superhero.
Cop a squat, chief.
Everyone in the universe is a hero.
All you have to do is know the difference between good and bad, and root for good.
Rick says good and bad are artificial constructs.
Yeah, well, I get the feeling He kind of needs that to be the case.
Not coming, Noob Noob? Ohh! No, uh, I got stuff to do here.
Vance: Security drones, inbound.
Star Mother, grant me your wrath.
All aboard! Gun turret.
Are you all right? Yes.
I only lost 400 ants.
My queen is laying more.
I am back to one Million Ants.
Someone wake up Sanchez.
Ugh! Oh, Christ.
Rick.
You're up.
Barely.
We're taking fire from an automated turret.
Can you bring it offline? Uh-huh.
Uh, my God, that's better.
Rick! Hey, I can't help if I can't see.
I could've just used a ghost train.
Really? You don't say.
You would've used a ghost train? Hey, everybody, the ghost train guy would have used a ghost train.
- Man, you.
- Is there coffee? Hey, Morty, can you be a pal, Grandpa left his coffee maker on the ship, you know, the French press thing Get it yourself.
Little extra snippy this morning, aren't you? Just focus on the mission, all right? Oh-oh-oh, I'm sorry, oh, you're right.
Ohh, real serious.
Gotta take it real serious, huh? Son of a Steam Engine.
They're all dead.
Why would Worldender do this to his own men and several women? Well, he is the Worldender.
The guy ends worlds.
Kind of his thing.
- Ohh, real scared.
- Real on alert, high alert over here.
Watch out! What the?! It's Worldender! What happened to him? I sense his life force is fading.
Million Ants, ladies and gentlemen.
The ant colony with the power of two human eyes.
All right.
Short mission.
Good mission.
Remember when Alan wanted to use a ghost train? See you guys in Vindicators Four.
Morty? Rick, whoever did this is an even bigger threat than Worldender.
We can't leave now.
He's right.
This is far from over.
Well, have fun with that, but Morty and I have to meet a Lady Comet, a Monorail Man, Two Assholes, and a Full Alligator in like an hour.
Shit.
I sense the presence of a greater evil.
Drunk Check, check.
One, two.
Okay.
Is it recording? Good.
Hello, Vindicators.
Welcome to your reckoning, baby! Official.
I had too much to drink last night.
You're, you know, the Vindicators.
So, now that we know Rick? What's going on, buddy? Obviously, I came here last night during a blackout.
"Obviously?" You came here and defeated our arch nemesis while so drunk you don't remember doing it? That's something "obvious" to you? Look, I'm a lit little more complex than you guys, and, no offense, but I've always suspected that a lot of what you do in a year could be knocked out in a couple of hours.
So I thought, why not just do your job for you, so we can have a little fun game.
Rick, is Is this a "Saw" thing? Are you seriously Sawing the Vindicators? Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack.
If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die.
Well, I-I-I think we've seen enough, I'll just figure out how to unplug this.
Okay, here we go.
Room number one.
The Vindicators are known throughout the galaxy, but do they know yourselves, do you know yourselves? Match your your shit, your your gimmicks, with your faces, and y-you get it, it's a matching thing.
And do it in three minutes or you'll all die.
Screw this.
I'm not playing his game.
I'm gonna find us a way out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, Vance.
He said you'd die if you tried to leave.
That means there's booby traps.
Why are you acting like that's not you? What part of "blackout" don't you understand? I thought you drank.
Like cool drinking! Like sexy drinking, not this psycho, trailer-park shit! Vance, stay calm Oh, so you're the leader now, because we gave you a jacket? You're the learning-disabled kid we do photo ops with.
Okay, ouch, but Okay, this This is triggering me.
I need space.
I-I need space from this! Give me one reason why I shouldn't crush your windpipe.
Because my epidermis is laced with a nanofiber defense mesh And because, like I said, I don't remember last night.
I told you not to invite this mummified mother back.
Alan, I'm not proud of what's happening here, but if you keep coming at me, there's gonna be another passenger on that ghost train.
Guys! I figured it out.
- Congrats! - You did it it! It was a bit.
All of the descriptors apply to all of you.
Drunk Rick's point is that none of you are very special or different.
That's always his point.
Let's just get through this as quickly as possible.
Then we'll deal with the two of you.
The two of us? I hope you're proud of yourself.
Uh, I kind of am.
I saved the God damn universe.
That's not the issue, Rick! Ahh, it would've been if I hadn't! The Vindicators say their job is to fight evil wherever it hides, but they don't Pick the location you'll You'll never hear them even mention, because to fight darkness is to fight yourself.
Oh! I know this.
Dorian 5! Crocubot, don't! There's no other possible answer.
My mechanical and reptilian logic are certain of it.
Oh! Huh! I'm seeing more croc than bot here.
God damn it! Uh, what happened on Dorian 5? Nothing! Nothing? We exterminated a planet.
W-Wait.
Huh? Doomnomitron was hiding there! He's a shapeshifter.
Destroying Dorian 5 was the only way to kill him.
Come on, guys, we're all thinking it.
Don't Don't make me say it.
Oh, okay.
This again.
You know, I could have made you a device to detect Doomnomitron from orbit like that.
I'm not the one that didn't want you back.
Alan was.
If you lay those deaths at my doorstep one more time Do not threaten her.
Congrats, you did it.
What the hell is "Israel"? It-It's just something Rick starts talking about when he's blackout drunk.
W-What? In w In w-w-what? Like, w-w-what's my point? In a way that has no point, you just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations and then you pass out.
So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic Which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place.
I have not stake in this I don't either, I'm I'm just saying, if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel he wants what's best for it and Hey, man, I'm not touching this.
You do you.
Aloha means hello and goodbye in Hawaii.
But, uh, aloha means Has nothing to do with this room.
I'm so drunk.
Ugh, okay.
Here's the deal.
I-I want to rest my eyes for a little bit, I'm I'm not going to sleep, I just just need to rest my eyes, so let's make this one simple Just try to hit some three pointers.
Let's say you have to hit five three pointers in five minutes or I don't know, the whole place the whole planet will get blown up with a n-neutrino bomb.
And try to make it a-a lesson about yourselves, like like how selfish you are Are or something.
And also Hawaii.
You guys hit the baskets, I'll disarm the drunkenly-improvised neutrino bomb.
There's a 40 percent chance it's a dud, but y-you should still stay back.
Morty, how many of these Too many, Rick! Too many! Man, I am really getting high-roaded today.
That's a three pointer.
Nice shot.
Thank you.
You two make quite a team.
We all do.
Yeah, I guess That's a three pointer.
But you guys have always had a an unspoken bond.
I mean, really unspoken.
Like, let's-not-tell-my-husband unspoken.
We aren't married anymore, Alan.
Sure, but were we married when you two were "stranded" on Delphi Six for three days? Because I sensed something was weird when you came back But what do I know about sensitivity? I'm just a phantom train conductor.
You're the pile of ordinary bugs that my wife! That's a three pointer.
Where the is the lead wire? You always put it in the weirdest place.
Um, uh, over here maybe? Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb.
It's a miracle I ever actually destroy anything.
Oh, I don't know, you managed to destroy just about everything today.
The villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood I appreciate it, Morty, I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' So the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit.
Yeah, it is.
You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction.
I know.
Everyone wants people they like to be right.
That's why popular people are dumb.
And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich.
Disarmed.
Holy shit.
You're jealous.
Yes! Is that what you want to hear?! Did it feel good? Did you like his six million wriggling legs more than my tragedy-stricken, half-ghost, half-tumescent penis?! Guys, stop! You're just proving my asshole grandpa right! You wish this was about sex! We loved each other! We had a child together! What?! I conceived a child with Million Ants and it died inside me because it was half a million ants and half collapsing star! And yes.
He was better than you.
Yeah? One million times better.
All aboard, mother Stop! Oof! Didn't see that coming.
Is that sarcasm? I don't want you slipping away when this is over.
All of these deaths are on your hands.
Okay, come on, maybe a couple of them, but definitely not the Train Guy.
Oof! All of them.
Oookay.
Congrats.
You did it.
All right, by now, I've been pretty clear that I think the Vindicators are full of shit.
But you do have one thing that I'll never have.
And that thing is the only part of the Vindicators with any value to me.
If you know what it is, place it on the platform.
Guess wrong and pla-planet will explode.
And probably the solar system, 'cause I kind of eyeballed the neutrino bombs on this one.
So what's the trick? Morty, you're the Drunk Rick expert.
I think no matter what we put on there, we die.
He said it's the part of the Vindicators he values.
That means nothing.
He wants our last moment alive to be spent knowing how few he gave.
Jesus! Okay, open to second opinions.
It could It could be Morty.
What? Hey, I don't know.
I mean, look, when I get drunk, I get stupid and emotional and there's no logic to it.
It's, like, it's possible I got so drunk I felt like I was losing Morty to the Vindicators, and maybe this is my way of saying, "Okay", you can have him but only if you know how important he is, "otherwise I'll kill you.
" That is a really specific guess.
Look, I-I there's nothing in the room but us.
I'm just using logic to connect some dots, it's the best guess I've got.
But you're betting our lives on it.
I'll cover that bet.
I get it.
Well, Morty, I think you're doing that smirky face because you're misinterpreting the moment.
I am not being coy about some hidden love for you.
I want to be really clear that if anyone has a better guess, like, if I gave you an amulet last night, or Phew.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
I'm not good at goodbyes, and I'm drunk, so, you know, I just It looks like I'm never going to see you again.
I can't really roll with the hero types.
And I don't they They don't want me around.
But I want you to know, even if I didn't show it at the time, I really appreciated you sticking by me.
God damn it, why am I crying? It makes no sense.
Ugh, you're You're probably confused because we barely knew each other, but you really stuck your neck out when you gave me props for my awesome jokes in the briefing room.
Everybody else had their head so far up their ass.
Even my own grandson is like, "Oh, the Vindicators, they're so cool.
" I mean, he's a moron, that's their demographic.
But you're different, Noob Noob.
Mother You're cool.
And you're smart.
And I bet we coulda hung out and shit.
And I hope you get to be a full-fledged Vindicator and and do Do me a favor, don't don't let them know I-I got emotional.
But you can tell them one thing.
Tell them I said Oh Okay.
I just shit myself.
Okay, later.
W Dude, Morty, what happened Shut up.
I sense this means we are not dying.
Not all of us.
Sweetheart.
Just let Titty Bean do this, Snuzzles.
It's for the greater good.
Greater good? Titty Bean? It's like you said, Morty.
There's no right or wrong Never said that.
It's the galaxy's faith in the Vindicators that keeps the galaxy secure.
Yeah, I feel safer already.
No doubt, who do we make the check out to? I will say we are getting some good licks in while choking to death Right? Titty Bean.
Listen to me.
When you came to me, I was merely a sentient colony of ants.
It was your beliefs, your pursuit of justice that taught me to be a man.
When did it get so complicated? Who knows.
But we can make it simple again.
You were always the romantic.
Which is why you can't leave, either.
I'm sorry, my love.
Damn! She double-crossed Snuzzles! Silence! I'm going to enjoy this Announcer: Let's give a huge thanks to Rick Sanchez for killing Worldender, putting this awesome party together, and for booking one of the hottest talents out there Logic! Logic: Awe, yeah.
Look at that.
It's going down.
Geez, I must have planned a whole party.
- It's Logic, y'all.
- Invited a bunch of people.
- Not bad, Drunk Rick, not bad.
- Shout out to my boy, Rick.
Are you ready? Rick, Supernova's getting away.
Eh, who cares? But she was trying to kill us.
Morty, 20 people try to kill me every week.
I end up getting high with half of them.
I mean, check it out, Gearhead's here.
Hmm.
Well, that's gonna shoot through me.
Morty, you're wearing a Vindicator jacket.
Are you a little superhero now? Everyone in the universe is a hero, Mom.
Which is why we don't need jackets.
And I'm pretty sure we don't need Vindicators.
Don't mind if I do.
Hey, everybody! Look who's a Vindicator! Man, Grandpa Rick must have gotten shitfaced.
Shut up, Summer.
Yo, it's Logic once again, y'all.
Don't forget the name.
Make sure you get home safe.
And, man, we gotta all give it up for Rick, 'cause, I mean, what kind of mother Just sets up a whole festival like this when he's completely loaded, man? And all that stuff I said about Vance, that's not real.
Vance that guy, that guy sucks Whoo! Yeah! Yo D-Did I get paid yet? Whoo! I can't believe we're getting Gear Cream with a Vindicator.
So, you girls in Gear college or Gear Alien terror attack! Okay.
Sounds like a job for me.
I better go get into my alter ego.
So cool.
I know.
Wait, what alter ego? He was already wearing the jacket.
Gotta know when to hold 'em and Aaaaah! Did you get any of that?