Rosehaven (2016) s03e04 Episode Script

1 [CHICKEN CLUCKS.]
[SIGHS.]
What's the matter? Nothing.
Very convincing.
Look, I know I'm the sunshine of your life.
- The ? - Sunshine of your life.
I avoid the sun.
It's important for you to be able to look at me and see me having a great time.
Never really thought about it.
But even the sun has to go down sometimes.
Every day.
It's just you know I love it here, but recently, I've been missing the mainland a bit.
Do you hate me? No, it's normal.
You miss your family.
- Shops.
- The shops? The services.
Three-storey buildings.
Those rental bikes people throw in trees.
The city? I think mainly I miss being able to get whatever service I wanted to get whenever I wanted to get it.
You know, like getting a tattoo.
Or laser tattoo removal.
- Or reiki.
- What is reiki? I don't know, and now I never will, because we don't have it here.
You can Google it.
And Rosehaven doesn't even have somewhere you can get a massage.
Or a facial.
Or pampery things like that.
What about the noticeboard? Reading the noticeboard is not pampering yourself.
No, no, you can put something up.
"Hi.
I'm Emma.
I want a massage.
" That makes me sound desperate.
You could add, "Not a big deal, though.
" I don't know why Rosehaven doesn't have a massage place.
Probably just not enough demand for one.
Course there is.
The market is anyone with a body.
Maybe I should open a day spa.
I've never had one.
I just don't see how a stranger prodding me could help me relax.
That clinches it.
You can be my first customer.
I'm doing it! I'm gonna open Rosehaven's first, soon to be world-famous, massage centre and day spa! Well, you'll need to get certified - if you want to start operating as a - Ugh! Too hard.
I'm not doing it.
Yeah, we know Even if we had so far to go Even if the pace is slow Well, I'll be coming home to you again If we find Something to feel that we belong If we could right all the wrongs Well, I'll be coming home to you again [COW MOOS.]
GPS: Continue straight for 14 kilometres.
Jesus! How far away is this place? - Well, at least 14 kilometres.
- Ugh! Think of it as a great opportunity to view the beautiful Tasmanian countryside.
It's fine.
OK, after this appraisal, why don't you and I do something we used to do on the mainland? Like what? Go on a pub crawl? Well, there's only one pub, but we can go there twice.
I mean, that's just it.
Once you've lived here a while, you've done everything heaps.
There's nothing new.
That's not true.
There is one thing you haven't done.
What? It's a secret.
What is it?! It is a special Rosehaven activity that you can only do here.
I was saving it for a special occasion, but being bored also counts.
First, never keep anything from me again.
Second, thank you for keeping this from me this time! You're welcome.
Give me a clue of what it is? No clues.
Is it sticky-taping popcorn to the engine of Greg's police car so that when the engine heats up, he'll think he's in a shoot-out? - "Pa! Pa-pa! Pa!" - No.
No, not that.
The appraisal won't take long, right? Like, we just walk around and figure out how much we could sell it for and then convince him to let us sell it? - Yep.
- Five minutes? Ish.
To an hour.
An hour?! Well, as long as it takes to land the listing.
I'm gonna convince him in one minute.
How? Beg, cry, threaten, in that order.
Let me try first.
Your map lady hasn't said anything in a while.
It's off.
- There's no reception! - Hmm? How long has it been off? How long have we been going in the wrong direction? Are we lost? Do you have any flares? We're fine.
Just keep your eye on where we're headed.
I can't.
There's no blue line anymore.
We should go back.
I think I can remember how to get home.
We're OK.
Open the glove box.
- This? - Yeah, it's a map.
Look up Backers Creek.
I think that was the last sign we saw.
This looks pretty old.
What if it's wrong? Oh, the roads wouldn't have changed much out here.
But how does it know where we are? Errrrrmmmmm You've been making that sound for a long time.
It's my concentrating sound.
You think I don't know your sounds? Your concentrating sound is "ehhhhhh".
And this is your getting-out-of-a-low-chair sound.
- "Huh!" - It is my concentrating sound.
And if I can't hear myself doing it, I can't concentrate.
Is it upside down? In movies, 90% of map problems are because it's upside down.
It's not upside down.
Have you tried turning it off and on again? Still the same.
OK, I think I see where we're going.
Do you? Yep.
Yep.
Yeah, we're fine.
We're good.
Is it like a magic eye puzzle? Because I'm not seeing anything.
- I can guide.
- Oh.
Errrrrhhhh Just admit you don't know where we are.
I would not admit that.
Let's go home.
No, we haven't had a new listing in a while.
It's becoming a safety issue.
I'll give them a call so they can give us directions.
Did you bring a can and some string? - What? - Hello? No reception.
Oh, yeah.
- I'm turning around.
- No, no, I-I can I can get us No, we're lost, we've no reception.
I'm turning around and saving our lives.
You're welcome.
No, no, just give me a second.
I can still [TYRE BLOWS OUT.]
What was that? Was that bad? It's not good This is a disaster.
It's not.
I'll just change it and then we can go.
Oh, I don't know how to change a tyre because I'm a woman? No, because you don't know how to change a tyre.
Lucky guess.
You can get the spare out of the boot if you like.
- It's empty.
- Under that.
I know that.
I was kidding.
Gallows humour.
That's not gallows humour.
It is, because we're gonna die.
Well, then all humour is gallows humour, 'cause we're all gonna die.
Shit.
What's the point of having a flat tyre in the boot? It's not supposed to be flat.
I forgot to replace it.
We are gonna die out here, aren't we? Please stop saying that.
We can drive on a flat tyre.
Until it disintegrates and hopefully the sparks don't light the car on fire.
Are you serious? Hopefully no fire? That's your plan? Well, it's very unlikely.
We can call a tow truck as soon as we get to the house.
Fine.
Which flat do you want to put back on? [FLAT TYRE FLAPS.]
I've been on escalators that move faster than this.
The slower we go, the more we can appreciate the countryside.
You know when people say, "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey"? What if the journey sucks? OK, if we're here, it should be right.
Hang on, sorry.
Stop, stop, stop.
OK, it is right.
[ENGINE REVS.]
- We're not moving.
- Try again.
[ENGINE REVS.]
Quicksand? Tasmania doesn't have quicksand.
Well, I mean, if it did, it wouldn't be very deep.
I'll go have a look.
Go one leg at a time just in case.
Don't struggle.
- Are you pushing? - Yes! Push harder! I'm not saving my strength for anything! - I'm pushing as hard as I can! - Push! Push! - Stop! - Use your legs! Stop, stop.
It's just getting more bogged.
You almost had it! What would Bear Grylls do? Drink pee? - I'm not that thirsty.
- Not yet.
Someone will come past.
You don't know that.
I'm scared.
And I want to do the secret Rosehaven activity.
Why don't I follow the road for a while and see if I can find a driveway? Or we could stay with the car.
Well, I was thinking you could stay with the car in case someone drives past, and I can look for help over there.
Split up?! Which always leads to something bad happening to one or both people.
Not necessarily.
What about If you're wondering why you can't think of an example, it's because there aren't any.
Free Willy.
Free Willy?! The boy and the whale split up and it's for the best.
They never see each other again.
OK, this'll be just like Free Willy, but we'll see each other in five minutes.
- Who's the whale? - It doesn't matter.
I'm just gonna see if there's someone nearby.
I'm coming.
We'll just leave a note with the car and say, "We're just up the road.
"If you help us, Daniel will do your washing for a month.
" Well, don't write that.
- Clean your oven for a month.
- No.
- Sexual favours for one month.
- Give me the pad.
I think there's a rock in my shoe.
- Do you want to stop and get it out? - Nah, I can't be bothered.
- [LOUD SCREECH.]
- What was that? Nature? - Why is it everywhere? - I think it's nice.
Is this one of those situations where the only reason you're calm is because I'm panicked, but secretly, you're also panicked? I'm a little worried we'll miss the appraisal and my shoes are a bit muddy.
- But that's all? - Yeah.
We're not in the jungle, Em.
This is Tassie.
There are no animals out here that can eat us.
And we're on a road.
We're fine.
This would never happen on the mainland.
There'd be a taxi rank right there.
Can you say something? All that's going around in my head is, "It's quiet.
too quiet.
"It's quiet.
too quiet," over and over.
Distract me.
- With what? - Anything! - That's a lot of pressure.
- It's not.
Just say something.
You know, tell me a story.
Ask me a question.
Well, you've given me a blank slate.
I don't know where to start.
Come on! OK, um, imagine you're trapped in an elevator with no shoes OK, I'm gonna need you to up your distraction game.
I'm being serious now.
We don't have any water, it gets really cold at night, and it's gonna be dark soon.
There is a chance we don't get out of this.
[SCOFFS.]
It's a really small chance.
But there is a chance! Em, it's it's, like, so close to zero, it's zero.
Like, the the smallest of smallest ch It's minus zero chance we don't get out.
There are so many things that I haven't eaten.
That's what you're worried about? And I can't even give you instructions for if I die, because you're gonna be dead too.
Now you're really jumping ahead.
Unless I die and you don't, in which case I assume you'll kill yourself out of loyalty.
- I think you'd want me to live on.
- I wouldn't.
- Well, you don't have to decide now.
- I'm telling you now, I wouldn't.
Mailbox.
Which means that's a driveway.
So, no-one has to die.
We can eat everything we want.
- We're fine.
- That's a driveway? Hate to take the bins out.
Or get the mail.
Should have said that first, 'cause of the mailbox.
- Do you want to - Yep.
OK.
- Still got a rock in your shoe? - Yep.
See? I told you we'd be fine.
We can use their phone, see if we can get the appraisal moved till later.
[LOUD CHOPPING.]
Hello? G'day.
- Did you hear us coming? - No.
But you weren't surprised.
You lost? - No.
- Yes.
We definitely are lost.
We got stuck driving down the road.
Can we use your phone? It's out.
- It's out? - Yeah.
The line's fine.
Just, one of the dogs chewed the handset.
I never got round to replacing it.
Um, you don't have, like, an emergency radio? Wi-Fi? What's the problem? Oh, mate, just hit a really muddy patch of road, mate, and, uh, got her bogged.
Yeah, she wouldn't budge, mate.
She was drivin'.
We also have a flat tyre.
His fault.
Double trouble.
Yeah, mate, yeah.
It's, um Why are you saying 'mate' so much? Well, I can come down, have a look.
We should be able to get you out.
Yes! Uh, thank you.
- Um, I'm Emma, by the way.
- Daniel.
- Yes? - What? - No way! - What? - Is your name Daniel? - Yeah.
- Like you! - What? - His name is Daniel.
- Hi.
That's amazing.
Well, not really.
It's a pretty common name.
- Do people ever call you Danny? - No.
Um are there any neighbours around whose phone we could use, or ? I mean, you wouldn't even see the postman, 'cause your mailbox is so far away.
Not wrong about that.
Where'd you travel from? - Rosehaven.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Rosehaven? Jeez, you are lost, aren't you? I mean, we've got to still be in Tasmania, right? So, it's just it's just you here? Yeah.
You can go wait inside if you want.
I'll just finish up here.
Do you ever cut yourself? What, with this? Wouldn't be standing here looking at you if I did.
Sharp as a fox's wit, this thing.
Yeah.
They're sharp.
Come on, mate.
You were right.
Everything's gonna be fine.
OK, this is gonna sound crazy, but just don't get too comfortable.
What? Well, we're in the middle of nowhere and there's a guy there who I don't think either of us could beat in a fight.
Speak for yourself.
Well, he has an axe.
Hard to chop wood without one.
Yeah, and he says his phone isn't working? - Your phone isn't working.
- I just want us to be careful.
- I like him.
- Well, course you do.
What is that supposed to mean? - Well, I mean, he's a - What? He's a strong, rugged, manly man.
- Is he? - Yeah, he's like a hot lumberjack.
- He's not my type.
- Yes, he is.
- He isn't.
- He's everyone's type! It it doesn't matter.
If he offers us any food or drink, we just say, "No, thank you.
" I'm really thirsty.
He could spike our drinks.
You've watched too many horror movies.
Yeah, that's how I know this stuff.
I was kidding.
You don't watch horror movies.
They're too scary for you.
No, no, I watch 'em all the time now I live with Grace.
She's there when I go to bed, so I don't get scared anymore.
She's like a human night-light.
That's so sweet.
Yeah, thanks.
So, if he pours us a drink out of the tap and we see him pour it, that's fine, but if he gets us a drink out of the fridge or he hides pouring the drinks from us, we don't drink it.
So if he brings us two glasses of water, we just stare at them? Well, we say we're not thirsty.
Thanks, mate.
We're not thirsty.
So, you've got a flat tyre? - Two.
- Two? Daniel's spare is also flat.
- And you're bogged? - Correct.
- He thought it was quicksand.
- Right.
Well, you've got a couple of options.
Could be a tow job, winch, or we could snatch you out of there.
Snatch us out? - Snatch strap.
- What's that? Oh, it's a, uh Sorry, you were saying? It's, uh, an elastic strap.
It'll sling you out.
Lay down a couple of tracks too, depending on how deep you are.
I'll bring a shovel.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Righto.
We'll head down and have a look.
I'll grab some tools and I'll meet you at the ute.
- Great.
Thanks, mate.
- Thanks.
Stop drinking it! You can carry me if I've been poisoned.
There's no point both of us being thirsty.
[EMMA GIGGLES.]
Whee! Can you at least hold on to something? - I'm gonna stand up! - Don't stand up.
Aren't you having fun?! I'm having a small amount of fun while still keeping my guard up.
Do you really think if he was gonna murder us he would take us on an awesome ride on the back of his ute? Well, the ride to the slaughterhouse is probably fun for the cows.
What? I'm just saying, we don't know this guy, no-one knows where we are, and now we're on the back of his ute and you drank his poisoned water.
It's not poison.
I feel f I feel f That's not funny.
Have you always been this scared of strangers? How do you do inspections? Well, if a tenant kidnapped me, I'd have a key to get out.
If I got kidnapped, how much ransom would you pay to have me released? I guess whatever's in my bank account.
What if they said, "We want a million dollars now"? I'd say, "Put Emma on the phone," and then I'd say, "Hey, mate.
Just wanted to say goodbye.
" There's the car.
See? He's gonna help us.
Or, now he knows where our car is, he's gonna remove any evidence that we were ever here.
How many horror films have you watched lately? Maybe 30.
- 30?! - Grace is really brave.
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
Righto, guys! On three! One two three! [ENGINE REVS.]
Whoo! You did it! That was so cool.
I've got a spare tyre.
It's gonna be a different size, so, you know, take it easy going back.
No showing off, leadfoot.
I'll try.
Thanks, mate.
What are you doing out here, anyway? Oh, we're real estate agents.
We were doing an appraisal and we got lost.
Oh.
Well, there's not a lot of houses around here.
Where are you headed? - Oh, j - 3455 Ridgeblade Road? - Wedge Nest.
- Wedge what? Well, it's easier to go by the house names out here than numbers.
Wedge Nest, that's the only one I can think of in Ridgeblade.
- Bill's house.
- That's his name! It's not far.
I can run you up there.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that, mate.
Just point us in the right direction and we'll get out of your hair.
No, no.
You can follow me.
Only take a couple of seconds.
The roads are confusing if you don't know 'em.
That is so lovely and helpful and kind of you, Dan.
- Isn't it, Dan? - Yes.
- Righto.
- Thank you.
I can do it if you like.
See? Safely to our destination.
OK, there is a small, unlikely thing I'd like you to consider.
There's a tree swing! Sorry, what did you say? - At the risk of sounding paranoid - Too late.
there is a small possibility that Dan is Bill.
What?! Pretending to be a farmer when really, he's another farmer? We never met Bill.
Dan could have lured us here to, I don't know Do a murder on us.
I'm just saying, why didn't he just drop us off and go? He's still here, or Bill and him are in it together.
I mean, that's kind of nice.
You know, best friends sharing a common interest.
"Would you like to murder this one, Bill?" - "Oh, no, Dan.
Please, after you.
" - I know it sounds crazy.
I would just like us to have some sort of phrase or signal that means, "Run back to the car.
" OK, the phrase is, "I'm Daniel.
I don't understand that horror films aren't real.
" Yeah, well, that's too long, and most of the ones set in rural Australia are based on true events.
[KNOCKS.]
[CONTINUES KNOCKING.]
Doesn't look like he's home.
Oh, well, we were running pretty late, so Oh.
She's open.
[CALLS OUT.]
Hey, Bill? You home? Hello, Bill? Thought he was about.
Must have been hearing things.
Yeah, well, we've probably missed him.
We'll we'll head back to the office and call him from there.
Emma, he might be round the back if you want to have a look.
Sure.
I'll come with you.
Daniel, can I borrow you for a minute? Uh yeah, I've actually got to go to the bathroom, sorry, mate.
So, we should head back.
Well, the dunny's through there.
I'm sure Bill won't mind you using it.
OK.
Great.
Off I go.
[TURNS OFF TAP.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi.
How'd you go? In the toilet? Good I've been trying to get you one on one.
Sure.
Just for a just for a chat in the bathroom.
That's that's normal.
Thing is, I kind of tuck myself away out here.
Don't really get to meet new people that often.
Now that I have, I don't want to miss an opportunity I am, uh I'm sorry to interrupt.
Um I've just been doing the appraisal and, um d-d-does this look like water damage to you? Is that It's hard to tell [TOWEL RAIL CLATTERS.]
Em! - [CRASH!.]
- Oh! Not again.
Em! Oh, my gosh! Em! What? I'm flying! Oh! We have to go now! - What? Wait! - [CAR APPROACHES.]
He's got backup! Hey! Are you from the real estate?! Yeah! - Are you Bill? - Yep.
And you're five hours late.
I assumed you weren't coming, so I went fishing.
- Oh, g'day, Dan.
- Bill.
Who knocked over my stuff?! So you thought that I was gonna kill you? No.
Maybe.
Probably would have been easier to do it back at mine.
I could have spiked your drinks.
Do I seem scary? - No.
- Yes.
No.
Well, maybe I need to come into town a bit more.
Never used to have people think I was gonna murder 'em! It's not you, Dan.
It's him, Dan.
Very suspicious.
Spent too much time on the mainland, I reckon.
Doesn't understand the country life like we do.
Bill, I am so sorry about all this.
Should you decide to list with us, we could definitely negotiate a much lower commission.
As if I'd list with you! You kicked over my towel rack.
And my plant.
And I will never do it again.
I just got that bloody ficus.
Bill, I've seen what these two have been through to get here.
- Two flat tyres - Two? Daniel has a spare flat tyre in the boot.
- She was driving.
- Then they got bogged.
Then they had to walk to my place, and they still made it here.
For what it's worth, I reckon they're alright.
Thanks, mate.
80% off your commission.
Mate's rates.
Well, we'd be paid almost nothing Deal.
Sorry about scaring you before in the bathroom, mate.
What I did want to ask you privately before you took off was if Emma was single.
Me? - You are not good at whispering.
- I'm a bit out of practice.
Does Rosehaven still have that pub? Pub? Um I think it does.
Well, I could take you down there in me ute.
Or I could meet you down there.
Or we could go for a walk along the fence line.
- Go spotlighting.
- What's that? - Night walk looking for possums.
- Thought so.
Uh, all lovely options, and I am single, and I am flattered, but, uh, no, thank you, for a date.
Thanks anyway.
No harm, no foul.
Had to ask.
Thanks for everything, mate.
No worries.
I'll kill you next time.
[CHUCKLES.]
If you could add "just kidding", that would really help me sleep at night.
So you really don't want to date him? Nope! Ha! Suck it! I told you he wasn't my type, and in your head you were like, "Yeah, right, he's not her type.
" Well, guess what? Yeah, right, he's not.
- Got me.
- It is a bit of a shame.
Imagine how good your best man speech would be if I married him.
"When I first met Dan, I thought he was gonna murder me, "so I knocked over a plant and soiled myself " No, I didn't soil myself.
You got soil on yourself, so you soiled yourself.
And you shit your pants.
- I'm glad you're having fun now.
- I am.
Do you still miss three-storey buildings? Nope.
Although, I am a bit sad I didn't get a photo of him so I could show people who asked me out.
Oh, well, you can get a photo when you return his spare tyre.
No, I rejected him.
That'd be awkward.
You have to take it back.
- Well, you can come with me.
- Are you still scared, mate? Mate, you're still bloody scared, ya drongo.
Oh, mate, you You know he never said "just kidding"? He just smiled and walked off.
- Oh, you're right.
He didn't, did he? - Oh, don't do that.
And he knows where you work.
You're the one who broke his heart.
No, I'm serious.
I think he might actually be coming for you.
- Oh - Did you check the boot when we left? - Did you hear that thudding? - He'd be more angry at you than me.
- He's left a hook in the car! - I didn't reject him Daniel, there's a hook on the side of the car! Very funny.
Just go! With your health! You don't care.
I do care, just from a distance.
How are you feeling about the open home today? - I can handle it.
- You won't have Emma to help.
Everyone, just make sure you give me your contact info so I can update you about the property.
My fish is gone.
Well, it's got to be around here somewhere.
A fish got stolen from the open home today.
Do you know who did it? Was it a cat? You're the fish thief.
Very few locals know about it, but this tree, when you come here at a certain time, Rosehaven's oldest bat will come and sit on your shoulder and sing There is no secret Rosehaven activity, is there? No, I was hoping you'd forget I said it.