Run the Burbs (2022) s03e04 Episode Script

1
As you know, we've both been
very busy with work lately,
so we haven't been as
available to you, until now.
Because we want you to
know that we got you.
You can ask us anything.
Struggling to connect with your crush?
Need help with your riz?
You just made riz uncool, thanks.
Battling online trolls?
Weirdos DMing you?
Any big, overwhelming feelings?
I'm feeling bored.
Come on, there's gotta be
something we can help you with.
Nope. Now, can I go mentally
erase this whole interaction?
Hold on. There is something
that's been bothering me.
- Yeah.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Are mutual funds or ETFs
better for my long-term goals?
MAN (ON COMPUTER): So, you want
to focus on what will maximize
your tax savings or free up
cash flow, depending on your
That actually makes so much sense.
"Sense"? More like dollar, dollar bills!
- Ah!
- 'Ey!
He's getting into bonds.
Yeah, money, dollars, yeah ♪
Dollar, dollar bills, y'all.
Dollar, dollar bills
Shh!
♪
COACH: Hustle! Hustle,
Jacob! Pass that ball!
Did I miss anything?
Leo made a great layup.
That big one just swatted
it out of the hoop.
Those kids even kids?
That one's got a five o'clock shadow.
Leo, you got this, my baby boy.
How's work?
Parking lot geese are back.
- Oh, damn.
- Yeah.
I got umbrellas in both hands,
trying to shoot them away, like,
"ha, ha, ha, ha."
But they just stare back at
me with murder in their eyes,
just like this
- Maybe you should call animal control.
- Uh-uh.
Then, they'll know they got to me.
COACH: You want to dribble?
Yo, you got this, Phamsanity!
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
You're aware this is just a pick-up game
in a recreational after-school
program, right, Andrew?
Aw, yeah, my bad.
Sorry, Coach Ray, kids.
BOY: Come on, let's go.
Are you okay?
Leo's got try-outs for
the city team this week.
I think he's nervous.
Hm. Are you, too?
He came so close last year,
and I haven't been able to spend
much time with him lately to practice.
I just want him to know that
his pops has got his back.
COACH: Yep. Pass it, pass it!
HUDSON: I think he's aware.
COACH: Tristan! What did I say, Tristan?
Let's go, Leo!
Aww! That's
that's hilarious, buddy, but
you should focus on the game.
What's going on?
He's usually got two eyes
of the tiger out there.
Mm, I don't know. Maybe he's distracted.
Three-pointer, Leo!
Go, go, go!
Seriously, how tall is that kid?
Man
(SIGHING) Khia
Hey, Mom.
I thought that you were filming today.
Oh, finished up early, so I
thought I would just come by
and say hi, since we didn't get
to watch that movie last night.
Yeah, well, homework.
I just haven't had time to
hang out so much, and you know,
missing my baby girl.
Baby woman
young woman young person, you.
Are they are they friends of yours?
KHIA: Yeah, right,
that's Finn and Tav, they're seniors.
They have no idea that I exist.
Hey, I know you. You're
on Good Morning Gloria.
Yeah, the 'simmer
till it glimmers' lady!
My mom loves you.
Yeah, that's that's me.
Also, the mother to Khia here.
- TAV: Sick.
- Hi.
You go to our school, right?
Uh-huh, ye yeah.
So, do you cook, as well?
Oh, I, uh
she sure does. In fact,
she's gonna be on TV, too.
- FINN: Wow.
- TAV: Nice.
Yeah, my producer has been
asking me for new pitches lately
and I thought, "why not a
whole cooking with cool, artsy,
fun-to-be-around teens segment?"
Right.
Cool. Being on TV is,
like, vintage or something.
(LAUGHING) So vintage.
So, we'll let you know
when it's on, or Khia will.
It's gonna be great.
- TAV: That's awesome.
- FINN: That is so cool.
And you're sure none of those kids
are on human growth hormones?
Raul can dunk now!
Yeah, puberty hits some of
these kids hard and fast.
Yeah, but little Raul?
I remember when he
could barely dunkaroo.
Look, I oh, hey, Leo.
Great job today. See you at try-outs?
Oh, yeah. Thanks, Coach.
Thought you were working.
Oh, I always got time for my boy.
Except for this past week,
when I had to work late.
But I'm here now. You
pumped for try-outs?
(SIGHING) Um
I was thinking maybe I'd pass this year.
What?
I just don't know how much
I'm into a competitive league.
Aww, but this is your year.
I love watching you play.
My boy's squeaking up those floors.
Okay, but it's "my man", not "my boy".
Hey, what kind of milk you drinking?
5%, 6%? Straight from the teat?
Okay, who knew I was
going to be a natural?
I mean, it's like art.
You just got to experiment.
- Mmm!
- SAM: Letting myself in!
- (DOOR CLOSING)
- SAM: Smells good in here.
Hey, Sam.
Look at my fave TV
star chef-to-be! Hi. Oh!
- SAM: How are you feeling?
- KHIA: Excited.
We've been testing out the
chicken tikka masala recipe
and I put my own spin on it.
Oh, well, good stuff. Give me a taste.
No, no. Um, it's not ready yet.
It still needs to
simmer till it glimmers.
KHIA: Oh, right. I'm gonna go plan out
my outfit in the meantime.
I have some new friends
who'll be watching.
Are you sticking around?
- Yeah, for at least half a box.
- Nice.
Or a whole box. What's wrong?
- Girl can't cook.
- SAM: What?
Yeah, the first batch
she wanted to take over,
and then she burnt everything to dust.
And then, the recipe
was "throwing her off",
so she just improvised.
And why didn't you correct her?
Well, because she just seemed
happier getting artsy with it,
so I just sort of
encouraged her to experiment,
and now, she thinks she's good at it.
But why?
Because I told her she was.
(SIGHING) She smiled at me.
She barely talks to me these days.
You think I'm gonna give up
a chance for another smile?
Okay, well, I mean,
maybe the food's not so bad.
It's aromatic in here, you know?
It's cooked, right?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Yeah, you're screwed.
(SIGHING) I know,
and I can't cancel the segment
because the producer loved the idea,
and Khia's just so excited.
I mean, it seems to me,
maybe the best option
is not lying to your kid.
Right. Right.
So, I should just find a way
to work around her. Great.
Oh, that's not what I said.
(CAMILLE WHIMPERING)
(SIGHING)
Oh, you're a champ for
having a second plate
of whatever that was that Khia made.
I don't get it.
We have a cooking gene on both sides.
She should be twice as good at this.
Or is it is it four times?
Yeah, like, how does she not taste it?
Should we get her checked
out? You gotta tell her, babe.
(WHIMPERING)
Yes, even though she's smiling at you.
Okay, fine.
Oh, hey. Did Leo say
anything about basketball?
No. Why?
I think he's in his head about try-outs.
All the other kids
sprouted up over the summer.
I think it psyched him out.
- Poor guy.
- Yeah.
I had hoop dreams when I was his age,
but when everyone had a
growth spurt but me, I quit.
I've regretted it ever since.
Right, because you could
have been Jeremy Lin, right?
Probably.
I just don't want him to
get discouraged and quit
because things get hard.
Maybe he just needs to learn how
to play differently at his size.
Oh
Make him own it more. I like it.
You're so smart and hot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dirty or clean?
Clean. (SNIFFING)
- Dirty.
- Yeah.
- Oh, oh, okay.
- Thank you.
Okay. (SNIFFING)
(MAN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(KNOCKING)
Knock, knock. Whoo!
- Smells like up dog in here.
- What's "up dog"?
Not much. What's up with you? Ehh!
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, so, I get why you're feeling
discouraged with basketball.
- You do?
- Yeah!
It's tough playing with the talls.
But you can't let that stop you.
Son, you are following
in the size nine footsteps
of all the Pham men,
and it's time for you
to claim your throne.
What throne?
- You are a short king.
- Short king?
All the best guys are
Muggsy Bogues, Tom Cruise, Sisqó
Frodo Baggins. We live longer.
We retain our cuteness over time.
Plus, we're underestimated.
Yeah, I guess.
It just takes a little extra work.
How about me and you squeezing
a little practice in the morning.
- Okay, sure.
- All right!
Slamming that ring into Mordor, baby!
Still got it.
Welcome to your new training ground.
We're a long way from
the school gym, son.
Thought you and me were
just shooting hoops, Dad.
We're both here to help.
We know it ain't easy
balling out when you're short.
You play with five-foot-niners
on the regular,
and they think they all that.
But we figured out the way,
the way of the dog.
This is street rules.
It's 90% mental, 10% spiritual,
10% sticking the elbows out.
That's how you play it 110%,
just like AI.
Artificial intelligence?
He doesn't know who Alan Iverson is.
Oh, son, we have work to do!
Lesson one, guard the doghouse.
(SQUEALING)
That hoop is your home to protect.
You've gotta Kevin
McCallister it! What-what?
Don't be afraid to be bumping bellies.
Huh, you see this? Bumping bellies.
Don't be afraid! Don't
be afraid! I ain't scared!
A little too much pepper
on that one. It's all good.
Let's move forward.
Go get that ball, Leo.
Lesson two, this ball is your bone.
You hungry, huddy-hud?
Haven't eaten in days, dog!
Mm-hmm. All right.
Here we go. Here we go.
HUDSON: All right, all right.
- (BOTH GRUNTING)
- ANDREW: Chowin' down!
Leo, you hungry?
I guess.
Oh! He guesses! He guess oh.
What you tryin' to do when
you get that bone, son?
You got this.
Never forget rule number one.
Come on, we'll do it again.
We'll do it again. Let's do it again.
It's barbecue time.
Barbecue time nope!
Post up! Post up! There it is.
We be ridin' dirty ♪
(UNCLEAR) In that big ball, big dog ♪
Big dog, I'mma big dog ♪
(BOTH SHOUTING)
Ridin' dirty, hittin' corners
in that big ball, big dog ♪
There he is, there he is.
Permission for take-off.
- Big dog, big dog ♪
- Get outta here!
I'mma big dog ♪
All right. Don't forget
lesson three, hydrate.
Are we done yet?
Depends. You feeling ready, my man?
I'm feeling done.
But yeah, I get it. I'll dog it up.
Ah, yeah!
Hudson, we did it!
My man is finally my dog.
Phamsanity on three.
BOTH: One, two, three!
ALL: Phamsanity!
(SIGHING)
HUDSON: Phew! You need a shower.
ANDREW: I need an ambulance.
So, I was thinking, for today,
I would handle all the boring,
heavy, all the recipe stuff,
and pass it to you
for the more presentational
things, and and such.
Like modelling the food?
More like sous-chefing Passively.
Yeah, but the segment's
about teenagers making meals.
A valid point. Um
- (GASPING)
- Okay, so, then
look at this mini
Camille. It's Khia, right?
Hi.
Oh, well, you're gonna
steal your mom's job.
It is so nice to meet you, Gloria.
Oh I'm surprised you even know who I am.
No, you're actually
really popular at school.
Oh!
Could I get a pic?
Sweetheart, you can have a kidney.
Oh, she's so great, Camille.
- Yeah, she is.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
I'm just trying to figure
out a game plan for today.
Oh, well, you've got to stick
this dynamo front and centre.
She's got such sparkle.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I can't wait.
Oh, you're so lucky to have a daughter
that still speaks to you.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Anyway
(SQUEALING HAPPILY)
All right, are all four Jacobs here?
- JACOB 1: Here.
- JACOB 2: Here, Coach.
Okay, buddy, you got this.
And remember the art of
the dog when they unleash
their disproportionately
long arms and legs on you.
Okay, sure. Ruff.
Woof! Go get him, son.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
All right, we're going to
warm up for five minutes,
then we're going to
start. You all right?
HUDSON: Andrew, Leo told us to go.
Can't miss the Phamsanity.
CAMILLE: Okay, the
marinated chicken looks good.
You want that nice, rich colour.
And Khia, how's the masala going?
Oh, it's looking good.
Ah, okay. Just a little longer.
As I always say,
simmer till it glimmers.
- (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, and I'm going to
add a bit of vinegar
because acid always lifts the dish.
True. Yes, it does.
But for you watching at home,
you might want to just
stick to the recipe.
Yeah, or add a punch.
Okay, and there we have it.
You know, fun, easy recipes
for teens to play with
and make their own.
Oh, hey, Gloria, come try.
Oh, Khia, Gloria doesn't
usually appear in these segments.
GLORIA: Oh!
Don't be silly, I'll give it a shot.
Ooh!
I
Don't know.
(STAMMERING IN SLOW-MOTION)
(WHISPERING IN SLOW MOTION:)
Why are you being so weird?
Mmm! Flavourful!
We'll see you back here in a minute.
DIRECTOR: Cut!
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
It's bad?
GLORIA: Oh, honey
It's like a salt lick
just jumped in my mouth,
which is great If I was a horse,
but I'm a person.
CAMILLE: Oh you know,
I think flavours just
differ from person to person.
That is a thing.
Yeah.
- Khia?
- It's okay.
They always come back
When they need bail money.
Uh Khia?
ANDREW: He's laughing.
He hasn't got a shot off.
HUDSON: He's enjoying the game.
This is what happens you give up,
then you become the class clown,
and then where do you end up?
Like me.
Is that a bad thing?
Wait! Ow!
You're gonna get us blacklisted!
Woof!
- Woof!
- (WHISTLE BLARING)
COACH: Okay, five-minute break, guys.
What are you doing here?
Oh, um
- You see, I left my keys.
- Yeah.
And, uh, then,
a goose had
I just want to make sure you're okay.
You're not using our
street rules principles.
I know, but
trust me, short king of Bel Air,
you don't want to get to my
age and wish you'd tried harder.
Let the dog out.
Can you stop talking about
the stupid made-up dog?
This is good. Unleash the dog!
Fine. You want your dog?
I'll give you your dog.
(WHISTLE BLARING)
COACH: Watch that reach, Leo.
HUDSON: Uh
What am I watching?
Okay, he's playing a bit rough.
But it's all fair, right?
He's just being scrappy.
Ahh!
- BOTH: Oh!
- (WHISTLE BLARING)
We created a monster.
Little dude went from
street rules to prison rules.
(BOTH STAMMERING)
BOTH: Oh!
Leo! Leo!
Leo, what was that?
You can't go around bullying people.
You're one to talk!
What? I'm not being a bully.
I want you to play with
heart, not rip them out.
I told you, I don't even
care about any of this!
But you love basketball!
No, I don't! I'm done with it!
I don't even want to be on the team!
- Since when doesn't he like basketball?
- (DOOR SLAMMING)
I got my door slam
about an hour ago, so
Looks like we're 0-2.
Should we let him cool off
or attack while steaming?
I'm going to let mine
simmer till it glimmers.
Yeah, good call.
You want some ice cream?
Mmm, ice cream.
(SIGHING) Hey, Leo,
I don't know what's happening,
and it would be good to talk about it.
Why? It's not like you listen.
What?
You see these ears?
These are flesh funnels for
you to pour your words into.
That's all I want.
Fine, you might not want
to play on that team,
but I know you can't say no
to one-on-one extreme horse.
The last few days,
you've been so pushy,
like you're at a rib fest or something.
Oh, damn.
That bad, huh?
I don't mind playing for fun,
but I don't wanna do basketball anymore.
I tried to tell you.
Instead, I made Kyle Tran cry.
We'll get Kyle Tran a gift basket.
But I didn't think you meant it.
So, you weren't psyched
out by all those tall kids?
No, not really.
I just went along with it
because you love basketball,
and lately, it's kind of the
only time I get to see you.
I just wanted to hang out.
You wanted to hang out with me?
Oh, Leo
That is the most touching
thing I've ever heard,
including half-off ribs at Ribfest.
I just didn't know how to tell you.
I know work's important. I
don't want you to feel bad.
Hey, look at me.
Nothing in this world is more
important to me than this family.
Damn, Leo, I'm sorry.
I was caught up in my own Phamsanity.
It's okay.
Maybe we can find other things
to bond on, besides basketball.
You got it, my man. Anything.
Maybe you can start
taking me to dance classes?
Yo, okay.
I can start teaching you right now, hmm?
Pop-'n'-lock is in full effect.
No, no. I just meant driving me there.
Yeah, that makes sense. My
body hurts a little bit already.
Hit me. Get him!
Khia?
It's so late.
I couldn't sleep.
- Look, I get it.
- Get what?
Why you didn't tell
me that I was so bad.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I remember that you told me a story once
of how you baked a cake
for Naniji's birthday
and it was burnt and
raw, but she still ate it.
Not the raw bits, but yeah.
But it made you wanna
Get better at cooking.
If Naniji had told you that it sucked,
then you probably would have
felt discouraged and quit.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, well, thanks for not telling me
that I suck at cooking because
I think that I'm actually
starting to really like it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Wait, so, um, you're not mad at me?
Oh, no, lying to me
was still really crappy.
I'm sorry I lied.
I'll be more straight
up with you from now on.
Good because I plan on
getting real good at this,
- and I'd love it if you could teach me.
- Oh, I would be honoured!
- Oh, okay.
- (ALARM BEEPING)
Oh, crap! I forgot again!
(ALARM BEEPING)
What is happening?
Just some midnight cooking!
- (ALARM BEEPING)
- Whoa!
I was ready to punch a fire in the face!
Anybody
Want some charred bits?
What kind of bits we talking about here?
- Uh
- (COUGHING)
Not too bad.
I'll try it, if you try it first.
ANDREW: Hey, you wanna see this?
Oh!
You don't know about Allen Iverson?
The Answer? The Answer?
He was The Answer!
I'm going this way. I'm going this way.
I'm going this way!
The '01 76ers was him and
literally, 12 sacks of potatoes.
Are you going to pick
up this collect call?
Oh. Who's it from?
Long distance!
There it is! That song "All By Myself"?
It was written about Allen
Iverson in the '01 finals.
Just put it on his back
And was just like he's carrying,
he's carrying, he's carrying.
Ahh
- Speedy Claxon!
- Who's Speedy Claxon?
- Speedy Claxton!
- Brought him to the finals.
BOTH: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
What you gonna do
when you get that bone? ♪
What you gon' do when
you get that bone? ♪
Give me what I want,
yeah, I want the most ♪