Six Feet Under s03e04 Episode Script

Let me see what Now you know, Mother.
I'm a gypsy.
- I'm in the road company of 42nd Street.
- And my feet are gigantic.
- You hit him with the shoes, didn't you? - Well, duh, bitch.
That's how he got those half-moon marks on his forehead and hands.
What about those cigarette burns on his ass? - Answer me.
- Mommy, you need to go on Prozac.
- And fast.
- What else could I do? - Flog him with those braids? - But it was his fault.
If he gave me the medal like I told him to, I wouldn't have hit him.
That still doesn't explain why you fucked him.
All right, now.
We'll start at the beginning.
You're going to tell me the truth.
I know you killed him, so there's no sense lying.
Rhoda, tell me the truth.
- The truth? You're too old to be my mommy.
- Socialism is a better system.
You're a man.
How can I be a man when my girdle hurts this much? Ask Charles Pierce.
I found him there and I told him I'd hit him with my shoe if he didn't give me the medal.
Mommy, please say you won't let them hurt me.
Honey, you just killed 'em all anyway.
I don't know what must be done now, but I promise you nobody will hurt you.
I want to play the way we used to, Mommy.
Will you play with me? Not unless you pay me first, you little freak.
- If I give you a basket of kisses.
- No discounts for family.
Please.
Lise, you awake? Can you run by Whole Foods and pick up six Mahi-Mahi filets for tomorrow? - Six? - I'm making dinner for your mom's birthday.
- I told you not to do that.
- Doesn't mean you don't want me to do it.
Maybe your mother likes people to go out of their way for her birthday, but, trust me, my mother never wants us to do anything for hers and we never do.
So far that has worked out great for everyone.
Do you think she'd like Sarah McLachlan? It's a party.
We have to have music.
Play whatever you want.
Just don't run to me when it blows up in your face.
Nothing's gonna blow up in my face.
This is important.
I wanna do something for your mom.
- Now with us living here and all.
- OK.
Just keep your expectations low, that's all I'm saying.
Companies were forced to restrict how they market cigarettes Lisa called.
She wants us to come over for dinner tomorrow.
- I thought it was our turn to invite them.
- She's throwing a birthday party for your mom.
Who does she think she is? My mother does not like anything for her birthday.
Your mom deserves a party.
You want to go? What else are we gonna do? Stay home and watch porn? Which reminds me, you gotta return The Gaytrix to Video West.
Somebody wanna tell me why I should give a rat's ass what's in Salma Hayek's purse? - You're something else, Fisher.
- I'm sorry? It's your fucking birthday and you spend it at the dentist's? I can't just ignore my oral hygiene.
And there's going to be a party tomorrow night.
You bet there's gonna be a party, even if I have to spike the punch with LSD.
Bettina, don't, please.
Speaking of LSD, your sister called me last night.
How is she? She won't return my calls.
She's become best friends with someone very famous, but she won't tell me who.
All she'll say is it's somebody who fucked Michael Douglas.
OK.
This is not what I had in mind when I said I'd spend the day with you.
Excuse me.
My friend had an appointment to get her teeth cleaned at 11 o'clock.
- It's almost noon.
- Our technician is running a little late today.
- How much longer do you think? - I can't really say.
- You can't, huh? - No.
You're just gonna have to wait your turn like everyone else.
- What's your name? - Patty.
Hi, Patty.
I'm Bettina.
I have another question for you, Patty.
- Yes? - I can understand our having to wait.
What I can't understand is your need to be such a condescending asshole Excuse me.
I don't have to sit here and listen to this.
Do you really think you're so special or are you just pissed off because your life sucks? I hate to break it to you, honey, but it's not our fault! I'll call to reschedule.
Dennis recommended you.
- From chorus? - Yes.
I'm a member, too.
I haven't been very active the past year, since Bob got sick.
It wasn't Aids.
Even though we both fucked like bunnies during the '70s.
We buried half our friends.
We thought we'd been spared and we'd grow old together.
- Such hubris.
- I'm so sorry.
It was cardiomyopathy.
Enlarged heart.
His heart was too big.
We used to joke about it.
It was caused by a severely leaking heart valve.
We used to joke about that, too.
Bleeding heart.
Have any of his family been contacted? I called his sister in Phoenix, but she's not coming.
His family was never very accepting of things.
Bob and I were together for 22 years, so I'm his family.
We have durable power of attorney.
I'll have our lawyer fax it to you.
I'm sorry we have to ask you for that.
I'm a scenic designer for the Los Angeles Lyric Opera.
Bob was the lighting designer.
I was told that you would be more open to accommodating certain requests.
You gotta be kidding me.
A fucking opera? He just wants to design a set and rig some special lighting.
- How long is this gonna take? - Two days.
No way.
We could have three funerals.
- Apparently he's willing to pay for it.
- For a fucking opera? Yes, Federico.
Vanessa's cousin won opera tickets once and she gave them to us.
It was so completely whacked.
There was, like, this magic mirror and this dead swan and this bleeding spear.
- Parsifal.
- Yeah! And they had these flower chicks who were supposed to be hot.
And they were all just major wide-loads.
And these lame-assed knights who were prancing around and singing at the top of their lungs.
It was just so fucking - Gay? - I was gonna say stupid.
You don't wanna do this funeral.
You think it's too gay.
- That's not what I was gonna say.
- We're doing it.
These guys were together for 22 years.
We're going to show them the respect they deserve.
Hey.
You gotta be kidding me.
You never had a massage before? No.
Where have you been living? Under a rock? Lighten up, sister.
This is her first time on the table.
What you're doing is just fine, dear.
Nikolai tried to get me to come here.
- Why didn't you? - I don't know.
I was afraid.
If you're afraid of something, it probably means you should do it.
I don't usually like being touched by strangers, but this is invigorating.
It's mandatory.
I started getting a massage every week after I caught my second husband cheating on me.
I'm not a porcelain butterfly.
You want a tip or not? - I cheated on my husband.
- No way.
It's true.
With my hairdresser.
He was the one who first took me hiking.
Way to go, Fisher.
I cheated on number two, but only after I knew he was cheating on me.
That's fair.
I even slept with his gastroenterologist.
For some reason I thought that would really hurt him.
He just laughed at me.
I will always hate him for that.
Asshole.
I still feel guilty for cheating on Nathaniel.
You gotta let go of that.
It's done.
Move on.
Careful with that.
Put it in there.
Just make sure it doesn't lean against the wall.
Thanks.
I thought Puccini was Italian.
He is, but Turandot takes place in China.
It's big.
Kevin needs something to pour himself into to take his mind off such an incomprehensible loss.
It was Puccini's last opera.
He died before he got a chance to finish it.
Bob was much more of a formalist than I am.
But I think he would have liked it.
I know he would have liked that.
Jesus.
You could sit breakfast on that ass.
If Bob were here, he'd be all over that boy.
I guarantee you, he'd have him in bed before nightfall.
I swear, he could charm the pants off any man alive, and he usually did.
I was never as lucky as he was in that department, but at least he liked to share.
Eric, you'll have to make sure those risers are flush.
Let me do it.
- That's one way to grieve.
- How did they ever last 22 years? It's easy when you get to fuck whoever you want to the whole time.
- Hand me that Makita.
- Here.
So were you guys a couple or just hanging out? I thought we were a couple, but he thought we were just hanging out.
- He was squirrelly, wasn't he? - Totally.
Nate used to be like that.
Sometimes you just have to hang in there and wait.
Wait for what? For them to grow up.
If I'd known he was gonna be such a jerk, I would never have slept with him.
- OK, put me to work.
- Ruth, no.
It's your night off.
I much prefer to be busy.
You should have told me this was a big deal.
I could have changed my plans.
- I won't hear of it.
- You're not going to be here? I've got to go to this guest-artist lecture series.
It's Scott Philip Smith.
He's this really radical artist with death threats against him.
- He's very political.
- Claire, it's your mother's birthday.
Don't be silly.
You go ahead.
This isn't going to be my last birthday.
I'll totally make it up to you.
Ruth, would you prefer curried chickpeas or chickpea croquettes? Chickpeas give me gas.
This an unusually gassy family.
But I love chickpeas anyway and this is my birthday.
So you decide.
You're the chef.
- That's such a lovely dress.
- Thank you.
Here.
I'd hate it if you got something on it.
Too late.
Maya spit up on it last time I wore it.
Isn't that funny? I think all my dresses had spit-up on them.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Has the party started yet? - Hi, honey.
- Hello, dear.
One, two, three.
Hello.
- Kevin never mentioned this.
- I mean A tongue stud I can sort of understand.
But this, that's gotta hurt.
Not to mention getting it, you know, installed.
So is that supposed to enhance pleasure? And for who? Apparently it worked for Queen Victoria.
- Come again? - It's called a Prince Albert.
She liked him to wear tight pants.
The ring was attached by a strap to his thigh, thus enabling a smooth trouser line.
How do you know all this stuff? I read a lot.
Yeah, right.
You know what I've been noticing a lot lately? A lot of guys coming in with their balls shaved.
What's that all about? Actually, it makes them more sensitive.
For oral stimulation.
Besides, no one likes getting pubic hair stuck in their teeth.
Do you want to ask me if I shave my balls? No, not really.
I'm happy to tell you.
And I do shave.
Have to.
Lot of hair down there.
Keith doesn't have to.
Anything else you wanna know, now is the time.
No.
I'm good.
In 1982, Ronald Reagan's deregulation of the nation's mental hospitals left thousands of former inpatients homeless.
I believed these incapacitated victims of greed deserve to voice their dissent.
So I spent two nights roaming the streets of New York City in the dead of winter asking them to wipe their asses with this flag.
When this piece was unveiled, a group of, quote, "patriots", unquote, ripped it from the walls of the Whitney Museum, took it to the streets and burned it.
That I was able to motivate these right-wing assholes into actually burning an American flag, this is what I consider to be the highlight of my career.
- So what'd you think? - I think he's amazing.
Amazing? He's so unafraid and so committed to what he believes in.
You should meet him.
Come on.
Stop hitting on my students, you overrated shit.
Bite my ass, you Nazi prick.
Scott, I'd like you to meet Claire Fisher and Russell Corwin, two very promising first years.
- It's a real honour to meet you, sir.
- Totally.
Do yourselves a favour and give up now, unless you're willing to live as outlaws.
This is a culture where art is not only a dirty word, it's a fucking crime.
I'm starving, I'm thirsty and, more importantly, I am your guest.
- Why don't you two join us? - Seriously? An artist never questions her right to experience everything the world has to offer.
- Never.
- OK.
Maybe we can do as much damage as we did in Antwerp.
Hope you got better health insurance this time.
- OK, I'm officially scared.
- Don't let them see.
- No, that's the good-good china.
- Yes.
- We never use the good-good china.
- Then what's it for? But we hardly ever use the good china.
Do you want me to put this back and use the good china? - If that isn't the good china, then what is it? - The good-good china.
What the hell.
Let's use the good-good china.
Yippee.
Bettina, this is my daughter-in-law Lisa.
I've heard a lot about you.
Don't worry, it's all good.
She likes you a hell of a lot better than the one before you.
- Happy birthday.
- You didn't have to do this.
Don't even think about returning it.
There's no receipt, if you catch my drift.
- We have to move this table.
- Why? - We're gonna dance.
- Heavens, no.
We don't dance in this family.
Ruth Fisher, we're gonna celebrate you tonight, like it or not.
Now go put on your new clothes.
- All right.
Thank you.
- Help me move it up against the window.
- Shouldn't we wait until after dinner? - I'll be too wasted by then.
And I brought some music.
I hope you weren't planning on listening to this Lilith Fair crap all night long.
Ready? One, two, three.
Being an artist is not about being right all the time.
It's resigning oneself to a life of masochism.
OK.
Just answer me this.
Why are you an artist? Because I'm angry.
Disgusting.
What do you have to be angry about, you and your fucking grants? I don't use that to make art.
I give it away.
It was your shit on the flag.
You're too fucking scared to actually go there You're pissed because you have nothing original to say.
You latch onto politics because you have nothing original.
There is nothing original to say.
It's all been said before.
Go to Hollywood, then.
That is so pathetic.
That is so fucking American.
Is there anything more infuriating than the moral vanity of Eurotrash? Fuck you.
Welcome to Epcot, kids.
I would rip your dick off and force-feed it to you if I didn't think you would like it.
Fantastic rage.
- I fucking love you, you stupid bald peasant.
- Prove it.
Buy us another round.
And why are you an artist? Because Because I have a lot of pain.
Good.
- Pain is good for an artist.
- Bullshit.
Adolescent romanticism.
"All artists must suffer.
" God, you are fucking beautiful.
Your skin is like Carrara marble.
Is this young man your lover? No.
Why the hell not? Maybe Russell doesn't think she's beautiful.
I think she's very beautiful.
And why are you an artist? Because I don't have a fucking choice.
If I can't create art, I don't want to live.
Attaboy.
Why do you validate these infantile notions? Because you want them to love you.
I want them to trust their own vision.
Something which you have none of, arriviste.
- And you want them to love you.
- Can I get you anything else? My friend will have a shot of ouzo with a big dollop of shit in it.
Our room opened directly out onto the pool.
And the dregs of humanity, from the looks of it.
And that's the Sunday smorgasbord brunch.
They come for the breakfast burrito and the free shuttle to the outlet mall.
I never really understood the concept of a breakfast burrito.
So where are all the X-rated ones? You leave those at home? You gotta go on the internet and pay 9.
99 a month for those.
Poor David always looked so funny in a bathing suit.
- I do not look funny in a bathing suit.
- Actually, you do.
- Is she asleep? - Yeah.
You, on the other hand, do not look funny.
- Bettina! - What? I'm just flirting.
You're barking up the wrong tree, lady.
- Who wants coffee? - For God's sake, stop waiting on us.
Sit down.
You deserve a break after that scrumptious meal.
This is David at the Geoffrey Beene outlet mall.
Oh, my God.
- Now I get the attraction.
- He's a hottie.
I almost forgot.
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, dear, you really shouldn't have.
Shut up.
It's just a little something I thought of at the last minute.
"For my mother-in-law on her special day.
"This coupon is redeemable for one free foot massage.
Love, Lisa.
" Nice.
- What happened to the bath salts? - It felt so impersonal.
- Can I have it now? - You want it now? Yes, please.
I love massages.
- Since when? - Since yesterday.
Please? You wanna go under the sun porch? Maybe it'll be more comfortable.
- Come on.
- Maybe we'll all end up naked.
- I wouldn't bet on that.
- I would.
Does this party seem a little weird to you? On a scale of one to ten, ninety.
Which foot first? So what do you really think of his work? - I like parts of it.
- Not really, though.
- It's kind of on the nose.
- It's way too on the nose.
Good.
Because every nasty thing I said to him earlier was the absolute truth.
And every flattering thing was a lie.
You didn't say too much that was flattering.
You are a brilliant artist, Claire.
That piece you did last week in the studio was better than anything Smith has done in the last ten years.
- Really? - Absolutely.
But you, Russell, you're going to be successful beyond your wildest dreams.
You honestly think so? Would I lie to you? I might.
But who gives a fuck? The world is gonna love you.
No matter what, you cannot care what other people think.
I don't care what other people think.
Phoney baloney, ka-ka shit.
Everybody your age cares about what other people think.
You don't even know what you think yourself.
I have to pee.
I'm serious about you.
Russell is good.
He's gonna make a lot of money.
But you, your talent is epic.
It's like the tail of a comet.
- You can change the world.
- Shut up.
God.
I'm so envious of you.
You see the world with your own eyes.
Do you know what a rare and precious gift that is? No.
And God created beauty.
And then he retired.
Promise me you'll do great things in your life, nothing less.
Promise me.
I promise.
All right.
Let's get out of here and leave that imbecile with the tab.
Oh, my God.
That feels unbelievably good.
I have strong hands.
Right there.
That's the spot.
You never give me a foot massage.
- Your feet stink.
- They do not.
They do.
You get that from your father.
How come you never give me a foot massage? Because you never ask.
This is really weird.
I just remembered this dream I had.
It was about a month ago, I guess.
I was getting a foot massage.
You all know I have extremely ticklish feet.
You were all there.
Not you, Bettina.
Not you, Keith.
No offence.
Everyone else.
You were there, Lisa, David and Claire.
I'm getting this foot massage.
I can't remember who was giving it to me.
I think it may have been Dad.
I'm holding Maya and she's slippery.
She's squirming like a pig.
She's squirming like a pig and then what? I don't remember the rest of it, except that I could never find my shoes.
I read somewhere that every person in your dream is actually you.
I'm gonna check on the baby.
Did you know that there are more bones in the feet than in the rest of the entire body? I didn't know that.
But now that you say it, I totally believe it.
Thank you, dear.
That's the nicest thing anyone's done for me in a very long time.
My pleasure.
It's just my little way of saying thank you for letting us live here.
Of course.
You're family.
Nobody touches anything.
I love it.
Oh, my.
It's very large.
I've always wanted to see the Great Wall of China.
- So have I.
We should go.
- What the hell is this? The scenic designer for LA Lyric Opera created this for the funeral of his lover.
- It figures.
- What figures? Only a gay man would build a fucking opera set for his lover's funeral.
I think it cheapens their whole relationship.
Don't be such a snob.
It's sweet.
You'd better be prepared to build me something when I go.
Something involving Steve McQueen on a motorcycle? An entire POW barracks.
Get over here.
What? Come on.
Why don't you loosen up? - It's unbelievable.
- It's made out of wood.
- I know.
- What did I miss? You and me and Lisa are going on vacation to China together.
Me, too.
Can I come? - Are you drunk? - It's OK.
I have four days' worth of milk in the freezer.
Why'd you change your shirt? - I just spilled something on the other one.
- You're such a klutz.
But you're my klutz.
Look at the pagoda.
- You smell like Listerine.
- Yeah.
I'm dying.
His name was Simon Rodia and he spent 33 years working on them.
When he felt they were finished, he gave the deeds to his house to a neighbour, packed up and moved away.
- They're amazing.
- He put everything into them.
Whatever he'd find on his way walking to and from work.
Steel rods, seashells, pottery, glass, old boots, corncobs.
He must have been out of his mind.
He was a construction worker, but he was a real artist.
And all real artists are out of their mind.
Yeah? You think so? - Look at Olivier and Scott Smith.
- Yeah.
Van Gogh cut off an ear.
- It's so weird.
- What? Every single person at our school thinks they're gonna be successful otherwise they wouldn't even be doing this.
But what is success? Is it just money or fame? Or is it the critics loving you? Or is it you knowing that you've done good work? Or what? This is a fucking masterpiece.
But maybe the guy who made it just thought it was shit and now no one even knows his name.
Simon Rodia.
God, I feel like such a phoney.
Why? You're fucking brilliant.
Because I can't imagine ever being this dedicated or this consumed by anything.
Maybe you just haven't found whatever it is that's worth cutting off an ear for.
I would never cut off my fucking ear.
- Van Gogh did it for love.
- He did it because he was totally insane.
It's only an ear.
It's not like he couldn't hear out of it.
There was still a hole there.
It's almost two.
Oh, my God.
I'm not even tired, are you? No.
Party pooper.
How come you're not upstairs embarrassing yourself with everybody else? I don't know.
Want a little time to yourself? I know this great little Indian restaurant in Hollywood.
The owner'll give you the room upstairs.
All you have to do is bury his wife for free.
- I'm not quite there yet.
- Won't be long.
You're a funeral director, which you never wanted to be, just like your old man.
You married a woman you knocked up because it was the right thing to do, just like your old man.
- You want one? - No, thanks.
So are you gonna throw away that pack you already have? Probably.
- I'm not you.
- You just keep telling yourself that.
I'm not shut down.
I'm not 500 fucking million miles away.
I haven't given up.
I love my family.
Buddy boy, you think I would have stuck around if I didn't love mine? Check this out.
Ambiguous Figure Between Curtains by Olivier Castro-Staal.
That is so intense.
It's part of the permanent collection at the Contemporary Art Centre in Cincinnati.
Reminds me of Francis Bacon a little.
Oh, my God.
He was only 20 when he made this.
That means we have a year to produce something this good.
I think it's really cool that you live in a funeral home.
- Believe me, it's not.
- Are you kidding? I'm jealous.
It's totally weird.
And excellent and perfect for when they write your biography.
I'm not gay, you know.
- What? - I'm not.
Gay.
Who said anything about you being gay? You thought I was.
Most people think I am, but I'm not.
OK.
I don't even know what it is.
Guys hit on me all the fucking time.
It's probably because you're hot.
You think I'm hot? I do.
Really? Cos usually I get, "He's cute.
" No, you're way more than cute.
- I am? - Definitely.
So you didn't think I was gay? I thought you might be.
Well, I'm not.
I think we just established that.
OK.
I lit it exactly the way Bob would have.
I always needed his lighting to make me look good.
Thank you, all, for joining me today in celebrating Bob's life.
We're all so lucky to have experienced the joy of knowing him.
And I'm not just referring to the joy of knowing him biblically, although a lot of you here have experienced that as well.
I know because I was there.
I never thought that I'd be in a relationship at all.
I thought I didn't have what it takes that no one could possibly love me enough to stick around.
But Bob did.
He stuck around.
And so did I.
And for 22 years, we shared our hearts, our bodies, our souls.
It wasn't always easy.
It wasn't always fun.
But it was always worth it.
I don't know what I did in a previous life, but to quote Julie Andrews as Maria von Trapp, it must have been something good, because I've been rewarded a thousandfold in this life.
How was the funeral? It was pretty great, actually.
As far as funerals go.
I could hear the singing from here.
That guy had an amazing voice.
Do you think your mother had fun last night? Are you kidding me? I haven't seen her that happy in maybe ever.
That was a really great thing you did.
I'm really proud of you.
- And I'm really proud of us.
- For what? For making this work.
For being present, for showing up each day.
For being committed to being a family.
- Is it that hard for you? - Of course not.
- I thought this was what you wanted.
- It is.
- Are you sure? - Of course.
Totally sure, a hundred per cent, absolutely, no doubts whatsoever? I'm sure.
I love you so much, it terrifies me.
Do you think you might run by Whole Foods tonight? - I'll go right now.
- You will? The list is on the fridge in the main house.
I won't be long.
How do you know Dennis? When he isn't spray-painting walls, he's president of Green Earth.
He was one of the founders of Green Earth in the late '80s.
- You're home early.
- Am I? - How was your day? - It was OK.
- How was yours? - The usual.
What's wrong? I want I want us to last.
I want us to stay together.
OK.
I just want it to be worth it.
OK.
How was your birthday party? You know what? I thought it was going to be awful.
But it was truly one of the finest evenings I ever spent.
- I'm sorry I missed it.
- Lisa gave me a foot massage.
It was heavenly.
I got a little tipsy.
We danced.
OK.
I'm really sorry I missed it.
I saved you a piece of birthday cake.
It's in the fridge.
- Thanks.
- How was your guest-artist lecture? It was Actually, it was truly one of the finest evenings I've ever spent.
We went out afterwards, me, Russell and our teacher and this artist.
I'm not even sure what happened.
I just had this glimpse of what might be possible.
For whatever reason, the world just seemed really open and interesting, and not totally screwed up, and I don't know.
I just felt really happy.
Mom, would you like to go to a museum with me today? I would love nothing more.
- Should I make lunch first? - No, let's go out.
We can go to Neddy's.
My treat for your birthday.
Thank you.
I was just gonna put this table back where it was.
Do you want me to help? No, we can do it later.