Skins s03e04 Episode Script
Pandora
# Oh, God, now when's the time # For me, oh # When will you see me through? # Oh, God, my mind is eating # My heart out # Oh, God, my heart is beating # My mind up # Please come back.
Come back.
Come back.
- Hi, I made tea.
- Huh? Oh! Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to surprise you It's OK, Anthea.
Um what are you doing? Oh, you know just, er, just looking.
Right.
Whizzer.
Eff's a bit out of it.
She's beautiful not like me.
Oh? Seems like somebody likes you! My boyfriend gave it to me.
I only knew him three days.
Thomas.
Now he's gone.
But it was fun while it lasted, hmm? So much fun Yeah, it's called love.
That's a big word! I dunno.
Four letters is Oh But I'm sure it is love.
All you want to do is kiss them and you know, other stuff.
Brilliant stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, brilliant stuff.
Maybe this Thomas will hop on a train and come back to see you.
- You can't get a train from the Congo.
- Congo? Yeah, it's a democratic republic, located on the equator, bordering Gabon and Cameroon.
Yeah, I remember now.
I really miss him.
You think love conquers all, Anthea? I hope so, sweetie.
Why don't you wake up the sleeping beauty and tell her we have something called "breakfast" in our country? YAWNING Wheee! After that we had to get out mega-speedily, so we climbed over some spiky fence, and found ourselves in this field.
Then what did we do, Eff? Can't remember.
We either went to the park to find the boys and then got chips, or the other way round.
Which was it, Eff? - Chips.
- Oh, yeah.
Super cool.
Brown sauce, soaks up all the Red Bulls.
Then we went crazy cos Cook pulled down JJ's pants and showed us his willy.
PHONE RINGS Morning, Mum Yeah, thanks.
Super-duper great night at the youth centre.
I made soup, we prayed and recycled socks.
Soup - for the homeless.
They love soup.
Um, cream of mushroom Okey-dokey.
Effy says howdy doody.
See you later, alligator.
Did you just? That was a pack of lies.
Oh, you can't tell my mum the truth.
She'd only do agony flip and go ra-ra.
Is she speaking English? She means the truth hurts, Dad.
It's for her own good.
Oh Otherwise, truth Boom.
CLATTERING You all right, love? Yeah, I just, er I just gotta, er Stop it.
You stop it.
Is someone going to start speaking a language round here I understand? DOORBELL Steve, mate.
Am I driving today? No.
You're doing the International Webcam and Hard Drive Expo in Poole.
You don't want to miss that.
I can't do it.
Jesus! You should have told me, I fucking love those hard drive events.
- Jim, who are you talking? - I need you.
OK, I'll get the car keys.
Get you to Poole in no time.
For fuck's sake, I love you! When are you fucking going to understand that? Steve Mate, I'm I'm married.
I'm straight.
Don't do dick, no way, no how, but, you know - I mean, c'est la vie.
- I can't stand it, Anthea - I told you - It's too late.
Wallop! Bitch! Bitch! You don't understand! Jim, please! Listen! All those weekends! Those veggie fucking yoga weekends in Dartmouth! Jim, please! Oh, you were bending all right, weren't you? In all the right fucking places! Jim, just let me I just want to explain to you.
You've done enough explaining, haven't you? - Jim, I'm sorry.
- I love you.
Please don't leave me.
DOOR SLAMS What a mess! They fuck you up.
They don't mean to, Eff.
But they do.
PHONE RINGS Effy! Not now, Mum.
Effy! Bugger it, Eff.
You can't half leg it.
And I've got a cross-country badge! Do you think your mum and funny beard have been, you know .
.
making monkey? Yes, Pandora.
They've been making monkey.
Wow! Surfed and turfed Yup.
Eff Eff, don't cry.
Does does this mean you're not coming to my pyjama party? I'm not crying.
Right.
But my party? Sure.
Why not? Let's get totally, totally fucked.
Um, yeah, that's the thing.
My mum's gonna be there and we're gonna put on pyjamas and play Twister.
It's brilliant fun, more fun than getting fucked probably.
And then you're all going to tell me how to do it with Tommo because I haven't got a clue.
Pandora, why are we friends? Do you ever wonder? Well, that's super easy.
You're my pal because you're the coolest ever, and I'm yours because I'll totally do anything you say and none of your boyfriends ever want to surf me cos I'm useless.
That's it? Yeah.
Come on, let's get hot chocolates.
Cool.
< Effy! Hey! Oh, shit! I've been ringing you loads! You know Danny, he plays for the Bristol Rovers Reserves, yeah? Yes, nice one, tasty.
This is my new best friend, Effy.
Cool tits, yeah? GIGGLING Sorry? Nice jugglies, babe - perky.
Danny! He doesn't mean it, do you, babes? Fuckin' right I do! Yeah! And I'm Pandora.
OK.
Hey, kid, you should come up the ground, watch the lads train, yeah? Cos after, we get some Lambrinis in, we go lucky in the showers.
HE LAUGHS He's joking, right? Um, yeah.
Right.
Anyway.
Can't wait for this party tonight.
I've got a shitload of weed and pills.
Weeds? Um, no - Cool.
- Yeah, man.
Way safe Orgy! - You're not coming.
Girls only.
Right? - Yeah.
We're gonna tell secrets and get intimate.
No boys.
Intimate?! Yes.
Nice one! Take photos, babe! Oh, yes! So I've got Flying Saucepans and Love Fountains.
We're gonna fry! But we're doing Twister.
- Cool.
You can snort that, right? - Not exactly.
- Love Fountains are mint! - Mum's making brownies.
You OK? She's upset because her mum's been making monkey and her dad's gone ape.
- Huh? - Bananas! Cos Beardy Steve's been making her do the Funky Gibbon and - I've boobed, haven't I? - Yes! I loves the Funky Gibbon! - Danny.
- Yeah? Gonna fuck off? We need girl time.
- Yeah? - Practise your ball skills, babe.
I'll do that keepy-uppy thing later, remember? Oh, yeah! The Next Episode by Dr Dre Cool! Mum's done the signal.
So everybody knows where my party is.
How many people did you invite? Um.
Four.
You, Eff, Emily and Naomi.
Naomi? Why did you invite her? Em says I have to or she won't come.
Ah.
Sweet.
Come on.
We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out.
Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time? Sometimes I wonder.
Mum! CRASHING Blastification! Drat! Drat! Fiddlesticks! Panda, we have spoken about shouting like a goat in the house.
Sorry.
Look, Mum.
Friends! Still shouting, Panda.
Calm time, please.
I'm calm.
So this is Effy.
Effy! We meet at last.
- Yes.
- Pandora has told me so much about you.
Yeah, you know, Eff - your missionary work.
Yes, I try and do as much of that as I can.
That's good.
There's so many bad things in the world.
Boys and drugs, guns, alcohol.
Boys.
Evil things.
I'm glad Pandora's found a channel she can pour her energy into.
Well, yes, all the seamen like her.
Seamen? Oh, yes.
Loads of seamen.
Some of them are homeless as well.
We'd all love to see Pandora get her own missionary position.
Right Lovely.
And this is? Katie.
Katie.
I haven't heard about you.
She's a new friend, Mum.
Stupid.
Well, that's wonderful.
We're not used to having so many friends, are we, Panda? No.
And I've got more.
Heaps more.
Two more.
Four friends.
Goodness.
We're going to have a wild old time, aren't we? I hope you all like playing Monster in the Dark.
Looking forward to it.
I expect you all want to wash your hands and take your shoes off.
Come on.
I'll show you Mum's special box.
# London's burning London's burning - # London's burning, London's burning - # Fetch the engines, fetch the engines THEY ALL SING IN CANON # Fire, fire! Fire, fire! # London's burning London's burning # THEY CONTINUE # Making brownies, making brownies Really yummy, really yummy # Making brownies, making brownies In the kitchen, in the kitchen # Fucking hell.
- Yes? - Nothing, young lady.
I have nothing to say to you at all.
- What the fuck is that? - Hi.
Jesus.
I've never been to a pyjama party before, so I brought vodka.
Was that right? Dunno.
I don't wear pyjamas.
Right.
I dunno why she invited me, anyway.
I hardly know her.
I asked her to invite you.
I thought we sorted this out.
Well, it doesn't hurt to get to know each other.
Emily We're in the same class.
We'll be hanging out for the next two years You going to tell people you're gay anytime soon? What? I'm not.
I'm not gay.
Telling you, Em.
You haven't thought this through, have you? No.
So can I just say again? Me, not muff-muncher.
Me, cock-cruncher.
You getting any cock? I have done.
Except he had erectile dysfunction.
I was getting tennis elbow, you know.
Yes? Can I help you with something? No.
This is a quiet cul-de-sac and you are disgraceful young women.
Yeah? So go fuck yourself, tosser.
Hi! Hey What? Hey! Mum! More friends! Naomi and Emily! Calm, please, Panda.
Oh, yeah.
I'm calm.
I'm calm.
We've been so looking forward to this, haven't we, Panda? Yeah.
What? Oh, yeah.
Shoes! Are you all chums? Oh, yeah.
Ems and Naomi are real good friends.
How lovely.
Really good, and now they like me as well.
Hang on.
Aren't you Katie? That's the amazing thing! Katie! They're twins.
C'est incroyable, baby! - Sorry? - It's French.
Thomas taught me! He's such a blinkin' dream and - Bugger.
- Thomas? Who's Thomas? Oh, you know Um Pandora, I do hope you haven't been defying me on the subject of boys.
He's my boyfriend, actually.
He does, um, excellent French.
Right.
Well, Pandora knows my opinion on boyfriends.
They just want to get into my box.
Yes, and I do hope all of you will respect that in this house we do not allow unruly males at parties.
I'm sure your parents would say the same thing.
- Um yeah.
- Yeah.
- Boys.
Eeugh.
- Disgusting.
There you go, Katie and Emily.
Completely identical.
Are you interested in all the same things? Um I'm not sure.
- You like Twister, though? - Sorry? Twister! It's brill! It's gonna be twistomatic, baby! Pandora gets over-stimulated.
Oh, I've left pyjamas out for you all.
They're pink and clean.
Very, very clean.
# I got some troubles but they won't last # OVEN BEEPS #.
.
I'm gonna lay right down here in the grass # And pretty soon all my troubles will pass # Cos I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo # Ooh.
Are they nicely gooey? I'm certainly hoping so.
Heavenly.
You know, I'm wondering if you aren't a little bit naughty, Effy.
I am.
Well, I bet you're naughty enough to try these brownies with me before anybody else.
I'll try anything.
OK, then.
Let's dive in.
I love brownies.
I love them.
#.
.
Shoo-shoo-shoo Sugar Town # Twister.
Are you shitting me? Don't worry.
I spiked the chocolate brownies with MDMA.
- You what? - Yeah.
Appreciate it, OK? There's fucking 40 quid's worth in there.
LAUGHING You think it's funny? It is kind of.
Yeah, enter into the spirit, Ems.
So, Katie, you gonna be nice to me now we're Twister pals? I promise not to grab your minge and everything.
OK, ha-ha.
Hands off the muff and we're sorted.
Gotcha, no buffing the beaver.
No groping the growler.
Don't tickle on my tinkle.
OK, I won't fluff up your flange.
You done? Yep.
We're double done with the DNA dump.
Hey, guys! What do you think? Mum made them specially, and look! Jesus.
So you can have Sexy Poo .
.
or Brainy Poo.
Except for me, cos I have Panda Poo! Mum and me sewed 'em on.
It was a wacker job, I'm telling you.
- I'm not wearing that.
- Why not? It's a pyjama party.
What the fuck? Give it here.
Oh, whizzer poo! Because look what goes with them.
Isn't Mum wick?! # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # And they're like it's better than yours # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # And they're like it's better than yours, damn right # Are they getting undressed? Cook, they're not.
Why would they get undressed? Can I just remind you that Pandora's party is specified as a girls-only event? Yup.
And you know what that means? Of course I do.
OK, so I'm not 100% sure what it means.
So let me enlighten you, Double J.
Pyjama party means only one thing - girls getting friendly.
Friendly? Oh, yeah.
Real friendly.
Hang on.
Even I know that only happens in overblown and possibly illegal teen dramas.
Mum says there's a lot less sex going on than I might imagine.
You never experienced wish fulfilment, J? Never.
They're all in there, girls getting to know each other, experimenting, getting lubed up and gagging for forbidden fruit, and we're gonna give it to them.
If Freddie was here Do you see Freddie? Did we invite Freddie? - No.
- And why didn't we invite him? - Because he's a fun-sponge? - You got it.
You see? It's a sign.
- Yes? - Um Hello.
I'll call the police.
#.
.
I've seen her once or twice before She knows my face # But it's hard to see with all the people standing in the way # CAR ALARM BLARES Cook? Do It Again by Steely Dan # In the mornin' you go gunnin' # For the man who stole your water # But the hangman isn't hangin' # And they put you on the street, yeah # Come on! This is a fantasy and I have to tell you, a poorly constructed one.
Just because I have a natural facility on a climbing wall Come on, we need to see them doing it.
For the last time, they won't be doing it.
They won't be naked, or engaged in mutual masturbation - Check.
- What? I'm requesting a check.
Is that too much to ask of a friend? What the fuck? Oh, my God, oh, my God! What What? What? - They're n-na - Please say naked.
- Nearly naked.
- Good enough.
Ah! Cook! Cook! Aah! No! Cook! Cook! What the fuck? Come on, Eff, pyjamas.
Whatever I can't hang on.
I'm going to slip! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! SCREAMING - What was that? - Nothing.
Tummy.
Too much cake LAUGHING Hey, Mum.
Look.
We're pretty in pink! Oh! That's wonderful, girls.
I must compliment myself, though.
My brownies are usually delicious, but I've really excelled myself.
This is my third already.
Yum I'm gonna have three.
Thanks, Mum.
Yeah, sure Wow! Listen to that.
Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi Can you hear the music? Oh, yeah! Mum? Oh, that's beautiful.
Oh, it sounds What's she doing? Wonderful, oh, wow! Yeah, I'm getting it! I'm telling you.
That is fucking good shit! What have you done? Eat a cake, Panda.
It's gonna be a long night.
# Tommy used to work on the docks # Union's been on strike He's down on his luck # It's tough # So tough # Gina works the diner all day # Working for her man # She brings home her pay for love # Ooh, for love # She says, "We've gotta hold on to what we've got # "It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not # "We've got each other and that's a lot for love # "We'll give it a shot!" # Whoa! We're halfway there, whoa-ho # I'm telling you, man.
We gotta fucking get in there! - No.
- No? Freddie says every time you ask me to do something, just say no.
- He said that? - Yeah.
It's a song from Grange Hill which gives useful lifestyle advice but it's also a state of mind.
Maybe me and Freds will have words.
But somehow, love you or leave you, Gay J, I'm going to this party.
You coming? No.
Just say no.
Suit yourself, Gay J.
Oh, balls! Freds, you gotta get down here! We've gone to Nine.
- Nine? - Affirmative.
It's a Niner.
Code Red.
- He's going in.
- Stop him, JJ.
Stop him! MUSIC BLARING Result.
Eurgh! Oh, God < Dump her in here! Dump her in here! Shit! Fuck! That was so so fun.
Is she breathing? SHE BURPS Yep.
Safe.
DOOR RATTLING Oh, man! Panda, come on! Let me in.
Go away! It was a joke.
It wasn't even me! You always bog everything up! It's always you! You do everything you like just cos you're depressed cos your mum's getting wacked up the pants! Well, bogging bog off! This is my party and I'm upset because my boyfriend got deported and you're supposed to be eating jelly and playing Twister at my party and telling me how to pop my cherry with my boyfriend! Christ's sake, I'll show you how to do a blowjob.
I don't want a blowjob.
I want my boyfriend back! Panda.
I was just Panda! Um she's upset.
Do I ever get to be upset? Do I ever get to be anyone but me?! - Eff - Fuck off! Effy, just Panda Oh, for Christ's sake! Get Cook out.
Don't get arrested.
They will not be naked.
I'm going in.
Where you going? Wine.
I want wine.
Hurry up with it! Get beer, lezzer! All right, all right! Keep your vagina on.
Whoa So What do you want, Ems? Pinot Grigio or cider oblivion? Anything Just give me a fucking Just just give me a I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry # I kissed a girl just to try it # I hope my boyfriend don't mind it # Oh #.
.
It felt so wrong, it felt so right Don't mean I'm in love tonight # It's only the drugs, right? #.
.
I kissed a girl and I liked it # I liked it # No, I don't even know your name # It doesn't matter # My head gets so confused # You liked that.
You're gay.
#.
.
I liked it # Yes.
Oh, my giddy, giddy, giddy .
.
aunt! Jump by Girls Aloud DOOR OPENS Fuck #.
.
Then jump for my love # Jump in # And feel my touch # Jump, if you wanna taste my kisses in the night, then # Jump for my love # I know my heart can make you happy # Jump in! You know these arms can fill you up # Jump, if you wanna taste my kisses in the night, then # Jump for my love # CAR HORN BLARES Shit.
Hey, Katie! Katie! Where are you, girl?! Which fucking house, girl?! Wahey! CHEERING What's going on, kidder? The lads! Wahey! CHEERING Oh, shit.
Yes! Pyjama party, check it out, lads.
Nice one! You're not meant to be here, remember? Come on.
Have a heart.
We lost 7-0 again, innit? You know the lads Tommo Marco How you doing, man?! Jonno Sambo Keeno Danno Paedo! Nice! Three MCs And One DJ by Beastie Boys EXCITED CHATTERING Sorry.
KNOCKING Hello? The fucking door's locked itself, hasn't it? Hey.
You should've pulled.
I will now, won't I? Is this the cupboard for mindless sex? You don't give a fuck about anything, do you? Nope.
KNOCKING Go away.
Please.
I want my boyfriend.
Yeah.
Wait.
Hang on.
Don't push.
- I wanna - Wait No Aargh! What the fuck? What's going on? Are we? Are we next door? We're next door.
Hello.
I'm Martin.
This is Angela.
Hi.
And this is how we have sex.
Oh.
That's lovely, Angela.
Thank you, Martin.
Could you rub harder? Certainly.
You! Yes, you.
I've called the police, you know? I'll be giving Angela a report when she gets back.
Right.
It's nearly nine o'clock Disgusting, absolutely shocking, what you kids get up to.
Shocking! JJ? Throw me through the ceiling! Throw me through the fucking ceiling! JJ! JJ! JJ! G G Got locked on, Freds.
It's gone to a 12 easy.
Oi, oi.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Come on.
We're gonna leave, come on.
Yeah? All right? I didn't want to leave without him.
It's an international incident.
I thought he was gonna gonna I didn't want to leave without him.
Fuck him, JJ.
Freddie.
You came.
Cool.
JJ gets locked on.
You have to look after him.
I thought Cook Cook's his friend.
I think Cook's your friend, isn't he? Not necessarily.
Hey, you'll never guess what Pandora's mum We're going home, Eff.
Where's Pandora? Come on.
I didn't mean to fuck everything up.
My parents are splitting up.
I'm sorry.
I got trashed.
I'm sorry about that.
It's shit.
Fool by Cat Power # Apartment in New York, London and Paris # Where will we rest? We're all living on top of it # It's all that we have The USA is our daily bread # And no-one is willing to share it # Bane and dismannered We coax all the time # Knowing that nothing is left when we die # Come along, fool # A direct hit of the senses You're disconnected # It's not that it's bad # It's not that it's death # It's just that it's on the tip of your tongue # And you're so silent # All right, Panda? Hi.
We're the last ones standing.
No-one's got any stamina these days.
Right.
Whizzer.
I wanted to play Twister and then the girls were gonna tell me how to do sex.
Bummer.
How do you do it, anyway? Huh? You know, you've done loads of sex.
No, Twister.
Oh! Well, you spin the dial and then you put your hands and feet where it tells you.
Right! Hand, there.
Right.
Now me.
OK.
- Over here.
- Oh! You gotta move that and that.
- That! - Oh, great! That.
There.
OK, put your hand on yellow.
Is it on there? Hey, Panda? Yes, Cookie? Do you want me to show you? What? You know Love Lockdown by Kanye West # I'm not lovin' you Way I wanted to # What I had to do Had to run from you # I'm in love with you But the vibe is wrong # And that haunted me All the way home # So you never know Never, never know # Never know enough Till it's over, love # Till we lose control System overload # Screamin', no, no, no, n-no # I'm not lovin' you Way I wanted to # See, I wanna move But can't escape from you # So I keep it low Keep a secret code # So everybody else Don't have to know # So keep your love locked down # Your love locked down Keepin' your love locked down # Your love locked down I keep your love locked down # You lose # # I stayed silent for two years # For two years # I never dared to come alive # Let go of my fears # Wow.
You really are beautiful.
So are you, Mum.
I wanted to be .
.
one more time.
#.
.
Just like I guessed # Just like, just like Just like # MUFFLED TALKING # Why? # Why-y-y? # Why? # Why-y-y-y-y? # Why? # Why-y-y? # See ya later.
Any good? I don't know what you mean.
I mean he's a sensational fuck, yeah? There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Eff.
Just cos I'm useless, don't mean I'm nothing.
We're friends because you don't surf and turf my men.
You said that.
He's not yours, Eff.
He'll never belong to anyone.
- That's why you don't really want him.
- Shut up.
- He's not the one you want, Eff.
- Shut up! I know because I'm your friend.
But you don't make enough effort, Eff.
I'm just there to laugh at.
You don't know me.
My life.
My family.
My mum.
Why don't you know anything about my mum? I know everything about yours.
You're right.
I don't know anything about your mum.
I'm sorry.
OK? Yeah.
Oh, Jesus What? Careful what you wish for, Pandora.
Why? Panda! Panda! > Panda! Panda! Look, I'm here! Panda! It's me.
Are you not glad to see me? Mother said I could come back.
What's wrong? Don't be a twat, Thomas.
Give your girlfriend a hug.
Yes Oh, Panda.
PANDA SOBBING I missed you I missed you too much.
It's OK.
Everything is OK.
Everything is A1.
Breaker by Low # Our bodies break # And the blood just spills and spills # But here we sit debating math # It's just a shame # I'm sorry.
# My hand just kills and kills # There's gotta be an end to that #
Come back.
Come back.
- Hi, I made tea.
- Huh? Oh! Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to surprise you It's OK, Anthea.
Um what are you doing? Oh, you know just, er, just looking.
Right.
Whizzer.
Eff's a bit out of it.
She's beautiful not like me.
Oh? Seems like somebody likes you! My boyfriend gave it to me.
I only knew him three days.
Thomas.
Now he's gone.
But it was fun while it lasted, hmm? So much fun Yeah, it's called love.
That's a big word! I dunno.
Four letters is Oh But I'm sure it is love.
All you want to do is kiss them and you know, other stuff.
Brilliant stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah, brilliant stuff.
Maybe this Thomas will hop on a train and come back to see you.
- You can't get a train from the Congo.
- Congo? Yeah, it's a democratic republic, located on the equator, bordering Gabon and Cameroon.
Yeah, I remember now.
I really miss him.
You think love conquers all, Anthea? I hope so, sweetie.
Why don't you wake up the sleeping beauty and tell her we have something called "breakfast" in our country? YAWNING Wheee! After that we had to get out mega-speedily, so we climbed over some spiky fence, and found ourselves in this field.
Then what did we do, Eff? Can't remember.
We either went to the park to find the boys and then got chips, or the other way round.
Which was it, Eff? - Chips.
- Oh, yeah.
Super cool.
Brown sauce, soaks up all the Red Bulls.
Then we went crazy cos Cook pulled down JJ's pants and showed us his willy.
PHONE RINGS Morning, Mum Yeah, thanks.
Super-duper great night at the youth centre.
I made soup, we prayed and recycled socks.
Soup - for the homeless.
They love soup.
Um, cream of mushroom Okey-dokey.
Effy says howdy doody.
See you later, alligator.
Did you just? That was a pack of lies.
Oh, you can't tell my mum the truth.
She'd only do agony flip and go ra-ra.
Is she speaking English? She means the truth hurts, Dad.
It's for her own good.
Oh Otherwise, truth Boom.
CLATTERING You all right, love? Yeah, I just, er I just gotta, er Stop it.
You stop it.
Is someone going to start speaking a language round here I understand? DOORBELL Steve, mate.
Am I driving today? No.
You're doing the International Webcam and Hard Drive Expo in Poole.
You don't want to miss that.
I can't do it.
Jesus! You should have told me, I fucking love those hard drive events.
- Jim, who are you talking? - I need you.
OK, I'll get the car keys.
Get you to Poole in no time.
For fuck's sake, I love you! When are you fucking going to understand that? Steve Mate, I'm I'm married.
I'm straight.
Don't do dick, no way, no how, but, you know - I mean, c'est la vie.
- I can't stand it, Anthea - I told you - It's too late.
Wallop! Bitch! Bitch! You don't understand! Jim, please! Listen! All those weekends! Those veggie fucking yoga weekends in Dartmouth! Jim, please! Oh, you were bending all right, weren't you? In all the right fucking places! Jim, just let me I just want to explain to you.
You've done enough explaining, haven't you? - Jim, I'm sorry.
- I love you.
Please don't leave me.
DOOR SLAMS What a mess! They fuck you up.
They don't mean to, Eff.
But they do.
PHONE RINGS Effy! Not now, Mum.
Effy! Bugger it, Eff.
You can't half leg it.
And I've got a cross-country badge! Do you think your mum and funny beard have been, you know .
.
making monkey? Yes, Pandora.
They've been making monkey.
Wow! Surfed and turfed Yup.
Eff Eff, don't cry.
Does does this mean you're not coming to my pyjama party? I'm not crying.
Right.
But my party? Sure.
Why not? Let's get totally, totally fucked.
Um, yeah, that's the thing.
My mum's gonna be there and we're gonna put on pyjamas and play Twister.
It's brilliant fun, more fun than getting fucked probably.
And then you're all going to tell me how to do it with Tommo because I haven't got a clue.
Pandora, why are we friends? Do you ever wonder? Well, that's super easy.
You're my pal because you're the coolest ever, and I'm yours because I'll totally do anything you say and none of your boyfriends ever want to surf me cos I'm useless.
That's it? Yeah.
Come on, let's get hot chocolates.
Cool.
< Effy! Hey! Oh, shit! I've been ringing you loads! You know Danny, he plays for the Bristol Rovers Reserves, yeah? Yes, nice one, tasty.
This is my new best friend, Effy.
Cool tits, yeah? GIGGLING Sorry? Nice jugglies, babe - perky.
Danny! He doesn't mean it, do you, babes? Fuckin' right I do! Yeah! And I'm Pandora.
OK.
Hey, kid, you should come up the ground, watch the lads train, yeah? Cos after, we get some Lambrinis in, we go lucky in the showers.
HE LAUGHS He's joking, right? Um, yeah.
Right.
Anyway.
Can't wait for this party tonight.
I've got a shitload of weed and pills.
Weeds? Um, no - Cool.
- Yeah, man.
Way safe Orgy! - You're not coming.
Girls only.
Right? - Yeah.
We're gonna tell secrets and get intimate.
No boys.
Intimate?! Yes.
Nice one! Take photos, babe! Oh, yes! So I've got Flying Saucepans and Love Fountains.
We're gonna fry! But we're doing Twister.
- Cool.
You can snort that, right? - Not exactly.
- Love Fountains are mint! - Mum's making brownies.
You OK? She's upset because her mum's been making monkey and her dad's gone ape.
- Huh? - Bananas! Cos Beardy Steve's been making her do the Funky Gibbon and - I've boobed, haven't I? - Yes! I loves the Funky Gibbon! - Danny.
- Yeah? Gonna fuck off? We need girl time.
- Yeah? - Practise your ball skills, babe.
I'll do that keepy-uppy thing later, remember? Oh, yeah! The Next Episode by Dr Dre Cool! Mum's done the signal.
So everybody knows where my party is.
How many people did you invite? Um.
Four.
You, Eff, Emily and Naomi.
Naomi? Why did you invite her? Em says I have to or she won't come.
Ah.
Sweet.
Come on.
We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out.
Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time? Sometimes I wonder.
Mum! CRASHING Blastification! Drat! Drat! Fiddlesticks! Panda, we have spoken about shouting like a goat in the house.
Sorry.
Look, Mum.
Friends! Still shouting, Panda.
Calm time, please.
I'm calm.
So this is Effy.
Effy! We meet at last.
- Yes.
- Pandora has told me so much about you.
Yeah, you know, Eff - your missionary work.
Yes, I try and do as much of that as I can.
That's good.
There's so many bad things in the world.
Boys and drugs, guns, alcohol.
Boys.
Evil things.
I'm glad Pandora's found a channel she can pour her energy into.
Well, yes, all the seamen like her.
Seamen? Oh, yes.
Loads of seamen.
Some of them are homeless as well.
We'd all love to see Pandora get her own missionary position.
Right Lovely.
And this is? Katie.
Katie.
I haven't heard about you.
She's a new friend, Mum.
Stupid.
Well, that's wonderful.
We're not used to having so many friends, are we, Panda? No.
And I've got more.
Heaps more.
Two more.
Four friends.
Goodness.
We're going to have a wild old time, aren't we? I hope you all like playing Monster in the Dark.
Looking forward to it.
I expect you all want to wash your hands and take your shoes off.
Come on.
I'll show you Mum's special box.
# London's burning London's burning - # London's burning, London's burning - # Fetch the engines, fetch the engines THEY ALL SING IN CANON # Fire, fire! Fire, fire! # London's burning London's burning # THEY CONTINUE # Making brownies, making brownies Really yummy, really yummy # Making brownies, making brownies In the kitchen, in the kitchen # Fucking hell.
- Yes? - Nothing, young lady.
I have nothing to say to you at all.
- What the fuck is that? - Hi.
Jesus.
I've never been to a pyjama party before, so I brought vodka.
Was that right? Dunno.
I don't wear pyjamas.
Right.
I dunno why she invited me, anyway.
I hardly know her.
I asked her to invite you.
I thought we sorted this out.
Well, it doesn't hurt to get to know each other.
Emily We're in the same class.
We'll be hanging out for the next two years You going to tell people you're gay anytime soon? What? I'm not.
I'm not gay.
Telling you, Em.
You haven't thought this through, have you? No.
So can I just say again? Me, not muff-muncher.
Me, cock-cruncher.
You getting any cock? I have done.
Except he had erectile dysfunction.
I was getting tennis elbow, you know.
Yes? Can I help you with something? No.
This is a quiet cul-de-sac and you are disgraceful young women.
Yeah? So go fuck yourself, tosser.
Hi! Hey What? Hey! Mum! More friends! Naomi and Emily! Calm, please, Panda.
Oh, yeah.
I'm calm.
I'm calm.
We've been so looking forward to this, haven't we, Panda? Yeah.
What? Oh, yeah.
Shoes! Are you all chums? Oh, yeah.
Ems and Naomi are real good friends.
How lovely.
Really good, and now they like me as well.
Hang on.
Aren't you Katie? That's the amazing thing! Katie! They're twins.
C'est incroyable, baby! - Sorry? - It's French.
Thomas taught me! He's such a blinkin' dream and - Bugger.
- Thomas? Who's Thomas? Oh, you know Um Pandora, I do hope you haven't been defying me on the subject of boys.
He's my boyfriend, actually.
He does, um, excellent French.
Right.
Well, Pandora knows my opinion on boyfriends.
They just want to get into my box.
Yes, and I do hope all of you will respect that in this house we do not allow unruly males at parties.
I'm sure your parents would say the same thing.
- Um yeah.
- Yeah.
- Boys.
Eeugh.
- Disgusting.
There you go, Katie and Emily.
Completely identical.
Are you interested in all the same things? Um I'm not sure.
- You like Twister, though? - Sorry? Twister! It's brill! It's gonna be twistomatic, baby! Pandora gets over-stimulated.
Oh, I've left pyjamas out for you all.
They're pink and clean.
Very, very clean.
# I got some troubles but they won't last # OVEN BEEPS #.
.
I'm gonna lay right down here in the grass # And pretty soon all my troubles will pass # Cos I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo # Ooh.
Are they nicely gooey? I'm certainly hoping so.
Heavenly.
You know, I'm wondering if you aren't a little bit naughty, Effy.
I am.
Well, I bet you're naughty enough to try these brownies with me before anybody else.
I'll try anything.
OK, then.
Let's dive in.
I love brownies.
I love them.
#.
.
Shoo-shoo-shoo Sugar Town # Twister.
Are you shitting me? Don't worry.
I spiked the chocolate brownies with MDMA.
- You what? - Yeah.
Appreciate it, OK? There's fucking 40 quid's worth in there.
LAUGHING You think it's funny? It is kind of.
Yeah, enter into the spirit, Ems.
So, Katie, you gonna be nice to me now we're Twister pals? I promise not to grab your minge and everything.
OK, ha-ha.
Hands off the muff and we're sorted.
Gotcha, no buffing the beaver.
No groping the growler.
Don't tickle on my tinkle.
OK, I won't fluff up your flange.
You done? Yep.
We're double done with the DNA dump.
Hey, guys! What do you think? Mum made them specially, and look! Jesus.
So you can have Sexy Poo .
.
or Brainy Poo.
Except for me, cos I have Panda Poo! Mum and me sewed 'em on.
It was a wacker job, I'm telling you.
- I'm not wearing that.
- Why not? It's a pyjama party.
What the fuck? Give it here.
Oh, whizzer poo! Because look what goes with them.
Isn't Mum wick?! # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # And they're like it's better than yours # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard # And they're like it's better than yours, damn right # Are they getting undressed? Cook, they're not.
Why would they get undressed? Can I just remind you that Pandora's party is specified as a girls-only event? Yup.
And you know what that means? Of course I do.
OK, so I'm not 100% sure what it means.
So let me enlighten you, Double J.
Pyjama party means only one thing - girls getting friendly.
Friendly? Oh, yeah.
Real friendly.
Hang on.
Even I know that only happens in overblown and possibly illegal teen dramas.
Mum says there's a lot less sex going on than I might imagine.
You never experienced wish fulfilment, J? Never.
They're all in there, girls getting to know each other, experimenting, getting lubed up and gagging for forbidden fruit, and we're gonna give it to them.
If Freddie was here Do you see Freddie? Did we invite Freddie? - No.
- And why didn't we invite him? - Because he's a fun-sponge? - You got it.
You see? It's a sign.
- Yes? - Um Hello.
I'll call the police.
#.
.
I've seen her once or twice before She knows my face # But it's hard to see with all the people standing in the way # CAR ALARM BLARES Cook? Do It Again by Steely Dan # In the mornin' you go gunnin' # For the man who stole your water # But the hangman isn't hangin' # And they put you on the street, yeah # Come on! This is a fantasy and I have to tell you, a poorly constructed one.
Just because I have a natural facility on a climbing wall Come on, we need to see them doing it.
For the last time, they won't be doing it.
They won't be naked, or engaged in mutual masturbation - Check.
- What? I'm requesting a check.
Is that too much to ask of a friend? What the fuck? Oh, my God, oh, my God! What What? What? - They're n-na - Please say naked.
- Nearly naked.
- Good enough.
Ah! Cook! Cook! Aah! No! Cook! Cook! What the fuck? Come on, Eff, pyjamas.
Whatever I can't hang on.
I'm going to slip! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! SCREAMING - What was that? - Nothing.
Tummy.
Too much cake LAUGHING Hey, Mum.
Look.
We're pretty in pink! Oh! That's wonderful, girls.
I must compliment myself, though.
My brownies are usually delicious, but I've really excelled myself.
This is my third already.
Yum I'm gonna have three.
Thanks, Mum.
Yeah, sure Wow! Listen to that.
Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi Can you hear the music? Oh, yeah! Mum? Oh, that's beautiful.
Oh, it sounds What's she doing? Wonderful, oh, wow! Yeah, I'm getting it! I'm telling you.
That is fucking good shit! What have you done? Eat a cake, Panda.
It's gonna be a long night.
# Tommy used to work on the docks # Union's been on strike He's down on his luck # It's tough # So tough # Gina works the diner all day # Working for her man # She brings home her pay for love # Ooh, for love # She says, "We've gotta hold on to what we've got # "It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not # "We've got each other and that's a lot for love # "We'll give it a shot!" # Whoa! We're halfway there, whoa-ho # I'm telling you, man.
We gotta fucking get in there! - No.
- No? Freddie says every time you ask me to do something, just say no.
- He said that? - Yeah.
It's a song from Grange Hill which gives useful lifestyle advice but it's also a state of mind.
Maybe me and Freds will have words.
But somehow, love you or leave you, Gay J, I'm going to this party.
You coming? No.
Just say no.
Suit yourself, Gay J.
Oh, balls! Freds, you gotta get down here! We've gone to Nine.
- Nine? - Affirmative.
It's a Niner.
Code Red.
- He's going in.
- Stop him, JJ.
Stop him! MUSIC BLARING Result.
Eurgh! Oh, God < Dump her in here! Dump her in here! Shit! Fuck! That was so so fun.
Is she breathing? SHE BURPS Yep.
Safe.
DOOR RATTLING Oh, man! Panda, come on! Let me in.
Go away! It was a joke.
It wasn't even me! You always bog everything up! It's always you! You do everything you like just cos you're depressed cos your mum's getting wacked up the pants! Well, bogging bog off! This is my party and I'm upset because my boyfriend got deported and you're supposed to be eating jelly and playing Twister at my party and telling me how to pop my cherry with my boyfriend! Christ's sake, I'll show you how to do a blowjob.
I don't want a blowjob.
I want my boyfriend back! Panda.
I was just Panda! Um she's upset.
Do I ever get to be upset? Do I ever get to be anyone but me?! - Eff - Fuck off! Effy, just Panda Oh, for Christ's sake! Get Cook out.
Don't get arrested.
They will not be naked.
I'm going in.
Where you going? Wine.
I want wine.
Hurry up with it! Get beer, lezzer! All right, all right! Keep your vagina on.
Whoa So What do you want, Ems? Pinot Grigio or cider oblivion? Anything Just give me a fucking Just just give me a I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry # I kissed a girl just to try it # I hope my boyfriend don't mind it # Oh #.
.
It felt so wrong, it felt so right Don't mean I'm in love tonight # It's only the drugs, right? #.
.
I kissed a girl and I liked it # I liked it # No, I don't even know your name # It doesn't matter # My head gets so confused # You liked that.
You're gay.
#.
.
I liked it # Yes.
Oh, my giddy, giddy, giddy .
.
aunt! Jump by Girls Aloud DOOR OPENS Fuck #.
.
Then jump for my love # Jump in # And feel my touch # Jump, if you wanna taste my kisses in the night, then # Jump for my love # I know my heart can make you happy # Jump in! You know these arms can fill you up # Jump, if you wanna taste my kisses in the night, then # Jump for my love # CAR HORN BLARES Shit.
Hey, Katie! Katie! Where are you, girl?! Which fucking house, girl?! Wahey! CHEERING What's going on, kidder? The lads! Wahey! CHEERING Oh, shit.
Yes! Pyjama party, check it out, lads.
Nice one! You're not meant to be here, remember? Come on.
Have a heart.
We lost 7-0 again, innit? You know the lads Tommo Marco How you doing, man?! Jonno Sambo Keeno Danno Paedo! Nice! Three MCs And One DJ by Beastie Boys EXCITED CHATTERING Sorry.
KNOCKING Hello? The fucking door's locked itself, hasn't it? Hey.
You should've pulled.
I will now, won't I? Is this the cupboard for mindless sex? You don't give a fuck about anything, do you? Nope.
KNOCKING Go away.
Please.
I want my boyfriend.
Yeah.
Wait.
Hang on.
Don't push.
- I wanna - Wait No Aargh! What the fuck? What's going on? Are we? Are we next door? We're next door.
Hello.
I'm Martin.
This is Angela.
Hi.
And this is how we have sex.
Oh.
That's lovely, Angela.
Thank you, Martin.
Could you rub harder? Certainly.
You! Yes, you.
I've called the police, you know? I'll be giving Angela a report when she gets back.
Right.
It's nearly nine o'clock Disgusting, absolutely shocking, what you kids get up to.
Shocking! JJ? Throw me through the ceiling! Throw me through the fucking ceiling! JJ! JJ! JJ! G G Got locked on, Freds.
It's gone to a 12 easy.
Oi, oi.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Come on.
We're gonna leave, come on.
Yeah? All right? I didn't want to leave without him.
It's an international incident.
I thought he was gonna gonna I didn't want to leave without him.
Fuck him, JJ.
Freddie.
You came.
Cool.
JJ gets locked on.
You have to look after him.
I thought Cook Cook's his friend.
I think Cook's your friend, isn't he? Not necessarily.
Hey, you'll never guess what Pandora's mum We're going home, Eff.
Where's Pandora? Come on.
I didn't mean to fuck everything up.
My parents are splitting up.
I'm sorry.
I got trashed.
I'm sorry about that.
It's shit.
Fool by Cat Power # Apartment in New York, London and Paris # Where will we rest? We're all living on top of it # It's all that we have The USA is our daily bread # And no-one is willing to share it # Bane and dismannered We coax all the time # Knowing that nothing is left when we die # Come along, fool # A direct hit of the senses You're disconnected # It's not that it's bad # It's not that it's death # It's just that it's on the tip of your tongue # And you're so silent # All right, Panda? Hi.
We're the last ones standing.
No-one's got any stamina these days.
Right.
Whizzer.
I wanted to play Twister and then the girls were gonna tell me how to do sex.
Bummer.
How do you do it, anyway? Huh? You know, you've done loads of sex.
No, Twister.
Oh! Well, you spin the dial and then you put your hands and feet where it tells you.
Right! Hand, there.
Right.
Now me.
OK.
- Over here.
- Oh! You gotta move that and that.
- That! - Oh, great! That.
There.
OK, put your hand on yellow.
Is it on there? Hey, Panda? Yes, Cookie? Do you want me to show you? What? You know Love Lockdown by Kanye West # I'm not lovin' you Way I wanted to # What I had to do Had to run from you # I'm in love with you But the vibe is wrong # And that haunted me All the way home # So you never know Never, never know # Never know enough Till it's over, love # Till we lose control System overload # Screamin', no, no, no, n-no # I'm not lovin' you Way I wanted to # See, I wanna move But can't escape from you # So I keep it low Keep a secret code # So everybody else Don't have to know # So keep your love locked down # Your love locked down Keepin' your love locked down # Your love locked down I keep your love locked down # You lose # # I stayed silent for two years # For two years # I never dared to come alive # Let go of my fears # Wow.
You really are beautiful.
So are you, Mum.
I wanted to be .
.
one more time.
#.
.
Just like I guessed # Just like, just like Just like # MUFFLED TALKING # Why? # Why-y-y? # Why? # Why-y-y-y-y? # Why? # Why-y-y? # See ya later.
Any good? I don't know what you mean.
I mean he's a sensational fuck, yeah? There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Eff.
Just cos I'm useless, don't mean I'm nothing.
We're friends because you don't surf and turf my men.
You said that.
He's not yours, Eff.
He'll never belong to anyone.
- That's why you don't really want him.
- Shut up.
- He's not the one you want, Eff.
- Shut up! I know because I'm your friend.
But you don't make enough effort, Eff.
I'm just there to laugh at.
You don't know me.
My life.
My family.
My mum.
Why don't you know anything about my mum? I know everything about yours.
You're right.
I don't know anything about your mum.
I'm sorry.
OK? Yeah.
Oh, Jesus What? Careful what you wish for, Pandora.
Why? Panda! Panda! > Panda! Panda! Look, I'm here! Panda! It's me.
Are you not glad to see me? Mother said I could come back.
What's wrong? Don't be a twat, Thomas.
Give your girlfriend a hug.
Yes Oh, Panda.
PANDA SOBBING I missed you I missed you too much.
It's OK.
Everything is OK.
Everything is A1.
Breaker by Low # Our bodies break # And the blood just spills and spills # But here we sit debating math # It's just a shame # I'm sorry.
# My hand just kills and kills # There's gotta be an end to that #