Somebody Somewhere (2022) s03e04 Episode Script

1
BILLY BLANKS (ON TV): One more
time, ready? One more time.
- Thirty punches. Keep those eyes open.
- (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
One, two, three, four, five,
- six, seven, eight, nine
- STUDENT (ON TV): Yes, sir!
- (RAPID COUNTING)
- (CLASS CHEERING)
- BILLY: Open your eyes.
- CLASS: One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten
- Keep going, keep going! Keep going!
- (SAM YELLS)
- Explode. Explode!
- Explode Explode
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
- BILLY: Good job.
- That's right.
- (SAM EXCLAIMS, PANTING)
- BILLY: That's it.
Pull it up, pull it up. Now go!
- Go? Now? (PANTING)
- BILLY: Now, pull it!
The explosion, explosion, explosion.
- Explode, explode, explode.
- (CLASS COUNTING)
- BILLY: Good job! Walk it out, good job.
- (SAM PANTING)
- Good job, good job
- I'm getting punked. Who's punking me?
- (PANTING)
- (VIDEO CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
Yes. No
(HEAVY BREATHING)
- (BAG RUSTLING)
- (SNIFFS, SIGHS)
- (BOX RATTLING)
- (MUTTERS)
(UNLOCKING, OPENS BOX)
- (CRINKLING)
- (CONTINUES PANTING)
Um
(HORN HONKING)
Jeez!
- Jeez
- (PAPER CRINKLES)
- Oh God.
- (HORN HONKING)
Oh, my God, you're
not supposed to be here
- for another 45 minutes!
- TRICIA: Okay, well,
we gotta go because they
only have gold wristbands
for the first 300 people.
Tricia, I don't e I don't
even know what that means.
Just It means hurry up! Let's go!
I-I need Gimme five minutes.
No! We gotta go now!
Do you wanna come in
and use the bathroom?
- No, I'm good.
- Tricia, you're never gonna make it to Kansas City after that.
- I'm good. Just go, hurry up.
- I'm hurrying!
(TRICIA SIGHS)
(MUTTERING)
- (PHONE RINGING)
- (SCOFFS)
- Cutie! (LAUGHS)
- JOEL (ON PHONE): Cutie! (LAUGHS)
How are you? What are you doing?
Oh, I'm going to that trade show
in Kansas City with my sister, remember?
Oh, right.
- (OVER PHONE) Well, that sounds fun.
- Does it? (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)
- SAM: What are you doing?
I'm going to Men's Bible
Book Club with Brad.
- Oh, God!
- JOEL: Yes, actually, it is God.
That sounds awful.
Well, I haven't been,
so I don't know that.
But, any place without
women does sound terrifying.
SAM: Well, if you want,
you can come to the trade show with us.
It's gonna be wall-to-wall estrogen.
Ooh, I wish, but no. Brad
really wants me to go.
We're discussing grace and aging.
Oh, God! That sounds like a can't-miss.
(HORN HONKING)
Oh, my God, she's already
getting on my nerves.
- I'm sorry.
- (SIGHS) Okay, I gotta go,
- but I'll FaceTime you later.
- Oh, good.
Um Oh, say hi to Jesus for me.
- JOEL: I always do.
- (SAM GIGGLES)
- Okay, bye!
- JOEL: Bye-bye.
(IN FUNNY VOICE) I'm coming.
(NORMAL) Oh shit, I
should shower. (SNIFFS)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
(QUIET TRAFFIC NOISE)
You know, I found something
something kind of
weird out at the house,
down in the basement.
What?
Love letters from Mom to Dad.
- What?
- Yeah.
Like
- from Mom?
- Yes.
Wha I mean, what did
they say? Were they gross?
I-I'll skip the gross part 'cause
I don't think you can handle it.
- No, no, yeah, yeah, I don't wanna know.
- You know what?
They're actually kinda sweet.
They were like these notes, I guess,
that she left for him on
his workbench or something,
you know, telling him to
"Have a great day, handsome,"
or you know, "Save me a
kiss" or shit like that.
- What?
- I know! And
And there were handmade birthday cards.
- I never got a handmade birthday card, did you?
- I mean
- No!
- No!
- (LAUGHS)
- That is ins
I just, like
I just wish that I could've known
that that was there, that that existed.
That that existed from
her! You know? Like
(SCOFFS) I just feel like
all I ever saw was the
crappy stuff, and it
- it really made me not wanna follow in their footsteps.
- Well
I mean, I always still wanted
to get married. I just
I just thought that
I would do it better.
- (GIGGLES)
- Yeah, well
Well, look at you now.
- Ew.
- I'm sorry.
- Just Sorry.
- Never mind.
(SIGHS) Don't you have to pee?
- Yes, I have to pee, damn it!
- I knew you'd have to pee.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(QUIET TRADE SHOW CHATTER)
You need your passes to get
in, Keynote starts at 3:00.
Okay, great. Ooh! I can't
wait to meet Cathleen.
- Ooh! Who's that?
- That's her right there.
- She's the Joanna Gaines of the Midwest.
- SAM: Oh.
- Cathleen with a C? Seriously?
- Yeah, seriously.
Look, karaoke!
- You girls like to sing?
- TRICIA: Well, I don't,
- but my sister is an amazing singer.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are!
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are!
- Well, as I always say,
as long as you're having
fun, that's all that matters.
Yeah, exactly, right?
Alright, let's go do our
map out our strategy. This
is gonna be so much fun!
(WHISPERS) Is Joanna Gaines coming?
- Oh, I don't think so.
- Aw.
- BRAD: This is exciting.
- JOEL: It is.
Why do you think they don't
have one for both men and women?
Mm, I guess it was just always this way,
I don't know.
Just I don't know
if I'm gonna have anything
to talk about with them.
To the guys?
- Really?
- Really.
They're all so nice.
Well, Bruce can be a little
rough around the edges,
but you like Mark.
I like Mark's wife.
- Well, she's wonderful.
- JOEL: Mm.
She is wonderful.
- You're just so good at it.
- BRAD: What?
- JOEL: Hanging with the guys.
- Oh.
Well,
it's just muscle memory for me.
I had to do it for years and years
and years and years.
I'm a little older.
Things
were a little bit different
back then. I don't know.
- I just, it's
- Not that different.
I can never hide it. I
I've tried to, and I just can't.
Well
you're not the athlete that I am.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Yeah, that's true.
- (BRAD LAUGHS)
There's nothing to be nervous about.
You'll see.
- Yeah.
- What's the worst that can happen?
(ENGINE ROARS, TIRES SQUEAL)
Excuse me! Absolutely not!
- Pull up!
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Joel! Please pull up!
Joel. (STAMMERING)
- (WINDOW LOWERS)
- It's ridiculous!
Excuse me, sir!
Sir! That was very rude!
And dangerous!
S-Sorry.
Well
(WINDOW SHUTS)
(GIGGLES) You showed him.
- It's not funny.
- JOEL: It is a little bit funny.
Just the part where you went
(STAMMERING, LAUGHS)
- Oh, my God.
- (JOEL LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
TRICIA: I have so many ideas,
and I have so much stuff!
I hope I can get it all
in the car to get it home.
(GIGGLES)
Yes. Oh, well, it's great!
I can't wait to show you!
Alright. Thank you, Mitch.
Okay, you, too. Bye-bye.
You know what? He is a really nice man.
Oh, that's great.
You know, I'm just gonna close
my eyes for a quick 20 minutes
No! Sam, you can't! We have
networking to do. A ton of it.
- SAM: Tricia?
- Hm?
Those are your people.
They terrify me. It's
way too many teeth.
Sam, just get up, get
dressed. You're doing karaoke.
Now!
Oh, you really don't like me.
(SIGHS)
(UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
I love brass monkey,
but I don't give D it ♪
(GASPS) Oh, my God. There's Cathleen!
- Where?
- Right there!
- You see her?
- Yeah, she looks like a lifestyle brand.
- Yeah, she totally is, yes.
- She is, right?
Well, go talk to her.
I can't just walk up and talk to her.
- You are Tricia M-M-Miller.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Hm You're right.
Okay. Should I just go?
- Yeah, go. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me.
- Okay, I'm not.
Well, you can worry about me a little.
TRICIA: Excuse me.
(QUIET CHATTER)
SAM (ON PHONE): Joel.
Here I am in a "Mom's
Gone Wild" hellhole.
How are you doing?
- You got the score?
- Uh (NERVOUS LAUGH)
I'm sorry, that scared
me. I don't know why. Um
Uh, no, I-I don't have the
score, sorry. I'm sorry.
I-I didn't wanna assume
you don't like sports
- Oh.
- You know?
Good, yeah. Th-Thank you.
- But I don't. (LAUGHS) Sorry.
- (LAUGHS)
Oh, hey! Hey, Tyler! Just one sec.
Oh, totally. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (QUIET CHATTER)
- (PRESSES RECORDING BUTTON)
(WHISPERS) I'm dying here.
Bruce was just telling me that, um,
well, h-he's got a lot of weapons.
- Uh, you said 14?
- Mostly muskets, yeah.
(LAUGHS) They go through it, don't they?
- TRICIA: Did you see all that?
- See what?
Tha I've been talking to
Cathleen this entire time!
She is incredible!
- Trish!
- Yeah, no!
She is so full of, like, creativity
a-and ingenuity and
But I gotta tell you,
like, I was giving it right back to her.
- Okay!
- TRICIA: And
(GASPS) I'm having breakfast
with her tomorrow morning!
- Tricia!
- Yeah, can you even stand it? I mean,
- just give me a new drink because this is my night!
- (BANGING)
Well, I'm really happy
for you. That's awesome.
And I'm telling you, Sam,
this is how you do it.
You take life by the balls,
and you make shit happen.
- Here, hold this.
- SAM: You're singing?
Yes, I am.
- (LAUGHS)
- Thank you.
(LAUGHS) Well, this is unexpected.
- Does she normally sing karaoke?
- No, not that I've ever seen.
("SLOW HAND" BY THE
POINTER SISTERS PLAYING)
As the midnight moon ♪
Was drifting through ♪
The lazy sway of the trees ♪
Here he says Uh, this
is in his fourth letter
"Yet we often stop this torrent
"by the little value we set upon it.
"Let us stop it no more.
"Let us enter into ourselves
"and break down the
bank which hinders it.
- Let us make way for grace."
- BRAD: Mm.
I had to let that sink in a bit.
Mm-hmm. I underlined that, too.
- (CHAIRS SCRAPING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
BRAD: You have the calendar, right?
MARK: Yeah.
Hey, Joel. I-It's Brett.
- Do you remember me?
- (WEAK LAUGH) Yeah. Yeah, I remember you.
How you doing?
Good. Uh, yeah, great. I
I really enjoyed
the-the discussion today.
- It was good.
- Yeah.
- Well, it was good to see you.
- (CHAIRS SCRAPE)
I've seen you at church,
- and, uh
- Really?
Y-Yeah.
And I haven't said hello to you
because I'm ashamed
about how I treated you in high school.
No, we were young.
That was such a long
time ago. It's-It's okay.
No. It's not okay.
- (EMOTIONAL) It's fine.
- It was wrong.
Anyway, I'll, uh
I'll let you get back to it and
U-Um Yeah.
You hungry? I'm starving.
We could get some pizza!
Mushroom?
Mushroom and spinach?
I just need your wallet.
- Did you pass out on the toilet?
- TRICIA: No!
(TRICIA GROANING)
Trish, come on. I don't
know what's going on here,
- but I really gotta pee.
- Sam!
Well Trish, I gotta pee.
(TRICIA PANTING)
What's going on?
It burns.
What burns?
Me! When I pee.
Oh
- Okay.
- TRICIA: What?
What?!
Nothing, it's
Sometime I mean, everybody
burns a little bit when they pee.
- TRICIA: Oh, my God, this really burns though!
- Hm
(TRICIA INHALES SHARPLY, SIGHS)
Have you, um
(INHALES) I really don't think
it's anything to worry about.
Will you look at it?
- (WHISPERS) At y At your vagina?
- TRICIA: Yes!
- Tricia
- I-I can't. I can't, please.
- (SAM SIGHS)
- Please, please just look at it. Just quick.
- (SIGHS)
- Sam! Look!
(TRICIA PANTING)
SAM: (SIGHS) Okay, just
- I mean, it's probably just a UTI, you know?
- Right.
- That's not a UTI.
- Oh, my God! How do you know that?
- I know, Tricia.
- (MUFFLED SCREAM)
SAM: Can't believe how long it took me
to figure out how to
spell "venereal." (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS) Well,
look, according to the
internet, and I'm no doctor,
uh, looks like you have nothing
that a pill won't cure, so
- That's good.
- (SIGHS) I mean, I can't tell Dr. Weis.
No, no, don't tell her.
Who do you think it was?
(SIGHS)
I'm not even sure.
Well, was it th-that little short one?
No, no. One kiss, that was it. He had
- terrible breath.
- Right.
- The country club guy?
- No.
No, I mean, we only went to third base.
- SAM: Oh.
- Unless, I mean, can you get it? I don't
No, no, come on. It's
not medically possible.
What happened here happened at home.
Was it the
the guy with the braces?
Oh, my God
SAM: "Oh, my God" what?
No, no, no.
No
- Tricia.
- TRICIA: Fuck me.
- Wha
- That asshole!
Tricia, who are you talking about?
- (TRICIA SNIFFLES)
- Who is it?
- TRICIA: Fucking Rick.
- No!
- It has to be him.
- Tricia, you did not sleep with Rick!
- I didn't I didn't I did not mean to!
- SAM: Didn't what?
- Oh my, you didn't
- TRICIA: And I did not want to!
- H-H-He came over!
- Oh, and he just
threw your legs apart and stuck it in?
No, he was crying about missing me,
and I felt bad, and then
Oh, my God! And what?
Well, then we fucking got drunk,
and now I have a goddamn
disease, that's what!
- Oh, Tricia Oh
- TRICIA: Oh, my God!
- Rick!
- I have a fucking STD!
I have an STD!
Y-You have an STD, but it's
not as bad as you think it is!
What if this never goes away?
That goddamn motherfucker! I hate him!
- (SHOWER RUNNING)
- I swear to fucking God! I'm such an idiot!
Just waving that dirty
dick all over town,
and now I have to deal with it?!
- I know.
- No, ma'am!
You do not mess with Tricia!
I swear to God,
the next time I see him,
I'm ripping it off his
scrawny ass motherfucking,
ass-eating pussy body,
and I'm throwing it
straight into Tuttle Creek,
and if he wants it back,
he can dive in and get it!
Fuck him!
- (GROANS)
- (SCRUBBING)
- Goddammit!
- Yeah, fuck him, right?
- What if it spreads to my bottom?!
- SAM: Uh Ooh
That's grisly.
- (INSECTS CHIRPING)
- (CAR KEYS JINGLE)
(OPENING DOORS)
(DOORS SHUT)
- (SNIFFS)
- (STARTS CAR)
(SIGHS)
BRAD: You okay?
(WEAK LAUGH)
Yeah. No, I'm fine.
Well
I heard you talk to Brett.
- You heard that?
- BRAD: I did.
- I just wasn't expecting that.
- BRAD: Well,
it's good to know
that people can change.
Can they?
Yeah.
I think so.
You want me to drive?
No.
I don't think I can risk
a road rage incident when
I'm feeling this fragile.
(BRAD LAUGHING)
Wow.
You want me to
make you some chili?
I wanna see my friends more.
We can do that.
And I wanna load the dishwasher.
You don't like how I do it?
(SCOFFS)
No, you don't like how I do it.
- (SIGHS)
- (LAUGHS) Well, you don't.
I-I just I have never
seen anybody (LAUGHS)
load, you know, the
glassware in the bottom rack.
I just have never seen that
before in my entire life!
- Yeah. Well
- It works, I mean, you know?
And I want
I wanna put pictures on the fridge.
I like seeing people
that I love in the
morning when I have coffee.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
On the fridge?
(LAUGHS)
- Yes! I wanna put 'em on the fridge.
- (BRAD LAUGHS)
Okay. You know what?
That is absolutely no problem.
- (LAUGHS)
- Not a problem at all.
I love you, Brad.
I love you.
Okay.
Let's go make chili.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
- You okay?
- Yeah.
(DEEP SIGH)
What?
What do you mean, "What?"
Well, you just made that sound.
- What is it?
- It's nothing.
TRICIA: It's not nothing.
Just tell me.
Mm, it's just a guy. You know?
We don't have to talk about it. (SIGHS)
There's a guy?
Who is it? Like
- Somebody from the bar?
- Kind of.
- And?
- (SIGHS)
And nothing. I-It's nothing.
Nothing's happened, nothing's
gonna happen, but
(SIGHS) it doesn't matter 'cause I
keep fucking thinking about him.
Okay, well
- what are you gonna do about it?
- (SCOFFS) Nothing.
- TRICIA: Why?
- I m
- He's not thinking about me.
- TRICIA: You don't know that.
- I know that, Tricia.
- TRICIA: No.
You don't. You don't know that.
- Why don't you just ask him out?
- (SCOFFS) Are you high?
(SIGHS)
I mean, what is what is
the worst that could happen?
(HEAVY SIGH)
Well, I could end up with an
unexplainable burning itch, for one.
- (LAUGHS)
- Okay. (SCOFFS) Too soon.
Sorry.
TRICIA: I mean, Sam
there's really there's
nothing to be scared of.
Nobody knows what
they're doing, I promise.
Nobody. You just
just do it.
Oh, I wish I had your confidence.
(SNIFFLES)
I mean, not your disease,
but your confidence.
(WEAK LAUGH)
(SIGHS) It's stupid.
TRICIA: It's not stupid.
(SOFTLY) Yeah.
TRICIA: Well,
you know, it's actually
very simple, Sam.
You just have to manifest it.
(BOTH LAUGH)
You gotta shut the fuck
up with that manifesting.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Oh, my God!
- Did you manifest that?
- Shut up.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
(GIGGLING STOPS)
- Thank you.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, never better.
- (BOTH GIGGLE)
(SIGHS) Alright, well,
good night.
Good night.
(CLICKING)
(SIGHS)
(CLICKING PHONE)
(HEAVY SIGH)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(QUIET STREET NOISE)
- Goddammit.
- (DOOR OPENS)
Well, you were right. It's chlamydia.
Prescription will be
ready in 20 minutes.
Well, good news is I got
you a Coke for your hangover
and a cinnamon roll just 'cause.
(SIGHS)
- Thank you for taking such good care of me.
- You're welcome.
(BOX RUSTLING)
Well, you gonna share or what?
- Yes.
- You know I didn't get it just for you.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(SMACKING)
You know, last night
the way you were talking
with me made me really happy.
Yeah, well, it was a moment
of weakness. I'm better now.
- Even if it was about Iceland (GASPS)
- What?!
Excuse m
- (SNICKERING)
- You fucking
- Did you look at my fucking phone?
- Yeah, I did.
- Oh, you bitch.
- (GIGGLING)
- Ah, bitch!
- (LAUGHING)
Now, I know! You have
to tell me everything.
You don't think he smells a little bit?
- Seriously?
- No, he doesn't smell! God.
- Alright, then I wanna know everything!
- Sorry,
your window of
opportunity is now closed.
- Now who's the bitch?
- Uh, you're the I'm the bi We're the bi
- We are the bitches. We're the bitch sisters.
- (LAUGHS)
- Chlamydia bitches. (LAUGHS)
- No!
Alright, let's go get those horse pills
for your diseased twat.
- Oh, my God, are they really big?
- Oh yeah, they're huge.
Just like that guy from the country club
- you're too scared to sit on.
- (STARTS CAR)
- (TRICIA LAUGHS)
- Gimme his number, I can handle it.
TRICIA: What do you
mean "sit on"? (LAUGHS)
("NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS"
BY SALT-N-PEPA PLAYING)
'Cause I'm gonna be
just fine, check it out ♪
If I wanna take a guy
home with me tonight ♪
It's none of your business ♪
And if she wanna be a freak
and sell it on the weekend ♪
It's none of your business ♪
Now, you shouldn't even get into ♪
Who I'm giving skins to ♪
It's none of your business ♪
So, don't try to change my mind ♪
I tell you one more time,
it's none your business ♪
Now, who do you think you are? ♪
Puttin' your cheap two cents in ♪
Don't you got nothin' to do ♪
Than worry 'bout
my friends, check it ♪
I can't do nothin', girl,
without somebody buggin' ♪
I used to think that it was
me, but now I see it wasn't ♪
They told me to change ♪
They called me names
and so I popped one ♪
Opinions are like assholes
and everybody's got one ♪
I never poke my nose
where I'm not supposed to ♪
Believe me, if he's
somethin' that I want ♪
I'm steppin' closer ♪
I'm not one for playin' high-pole ♪
Like the house of
ditty 90210 type of hoe ♪
I treat a man like he treats me ♪
The difference between
a hooker and a hoe ♪
Ain't nothin' but a fee ♪
So hold your tongue tightly,
wish you could be like me ♪
Your poppin' all that
mess only to stress ♪
And to spite me ♪
Now, you could get with that ♪
Or you could get with this,
but I don't give a shit ♪
- 'Cause really it's none of your business ♪
- (RECORD SCRATCHING)
1993, throw the beat back in ♪
'Cause Salt and Pepa's
got it swingin' again ♪
'Cause Salt and Pepa's
got it swingin' again ♪
(SONG FADES OUT)