Spin City s03e04 Episode Script

Yes.
Way to go, Paulie.
You took that question on school vouchers, you turned it right back on that reporter.
That guy was so flustered, he called me a fathead.
(Chuckling) I don't have a big head, do I? I don't know how to put this, Paulie.
I don't know which I'd rather have a million dollars, or your head full of nickels.
The point is, you are the man.
Well, in that case, uh On the subject of a raise Anybody can get a raise, Paul.
I'm giving you a raise with a "p" on the front.
Praise? Good job, buddy.
W-w-wait, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.
At least, like a slap on the ass to show me you mean it.
Yeah.
Wait.
No, no.
In the bullpen, where everybody can see.
Jeez.
So I guess if that's everything, Mike, I'll just, uh I'll just head back to my office.
Mike? Way to go, Paulie.
It's a lot firmer than you think.
Ok, finally, Carter, Nikki and I are gonna be out of the office for the day doing some fund-raising.
Stuart I need you to cover for me.
And, Stacey, since you are my assistant Don't say it.
Today, you will be Stuart's assistant.
I wish you would've told me that before I came in.
Why? So you could've gotten extra dolled-up for daddy? I don't understand.
Why did you guys get to do this fund-raising thing? "Get to"? Heh, try "have to".
Frankly, James, it's the part of the job that sickens me.
BOTH: we're goin' golfin' we're goin' golfin' Whoo, hoo, hoo! Last time I went golfing, I parred 6 holes on the front 9.
- Fell apart in the back.
- Yeah? What happened? A windmill threw my ball into the parking lot.
Ok, boys, I've been working on this guy for months.
He is potentially the biggest non-corporate donor to the dnc we've got.
If you have questions, now's the time to ask.
- Carter, how's your short game? - Who cares? All I know is A black man's gonna be at one of the most exclusive country clubs in upstate New York.
And guess what.
I'm not replacing any divots.
Come on, guys, I don't want to be late.
Nolan can be unpredictable.
We're golfing.
How unpredictable can the guy be? Guess you can get some distance off the tee with this baby.
Golf's for sissies.
We're goin' deer huntin'.
That's a man's sport.
It certainly isn't a deer sport.
(BUZZ) Stacey, come in here a second.
What do you want? Just wanted to see if it worked.
Oh, and, uh, as long as you're getting yourself a cup of coffee, would you mind getting me one, too? I'm not getting myself coffee.
Let me rephrase that.
Get me a cup of coffee.
And by the way, I take my coffee The way I take my women.
Are you sure you want to pay Touche.
Now, chop-chop.
I'm gonna kill him.
Stacey, we're assistants.
We decide where they go, what they do, what they eat.
They don't control our lives, honey, we control theirs.
STUART: Coffee! You were saying? Look, do what I do.
Picture Stuart as a new puppy.
Is it helping? Nope.
Still trying to hump my leg.
So, Mr.
nolan, I think if you take a look at our track record, you'll see that mayor Winston is the man to support.
The climate for big business in Manhattan has never been better.
Furthermore, our whoa there! Who dropped a quarter in you? We can chitchat later.
Right now it's time for huntin'.
You a big hunter there, Flaherty? No, no, no, no.
Although my dad once bagged 2 deer in one shot.
One shot.
Did he use a rifle? No, a buick.
(CHUCKLING) (CACKLING) A buick! Ha ha ha ha! - A buick! - Ha ha! Well Oh, what the hell are we gonna do? Well, I was promised golf.
I have an outfit.
Mike, I have No guns, no girls.
All right, everybody.
Safety first.
Put on your orange vests.
Ok, 3 rules.
Well, are we gonna do this or what? Yeah, yeah.
You just show me what to shoot.
(CHUCKLES) It's nice to know my donation is going to somebody I can relate to.
Oh! There ain't nothin' like money.
Except, of course, maybe killing.
Here, I brought some elk urine to mask our scent.
You know what to do with it.
Just, uh, drop a little on your jacket.
Make sure you don't get any on your skin.
I can't believe Mike didn't give you the raise.
Especially since he said he was grooming you to be the next deputy mayor.
Please keep it down.
Not everybody's aware about Mike's plan.
Paul, if we really need the money, I can help out.
I can get a third job.
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
No wife of mine works more than 2 jobs.
Hey, Paul, I have your notes for today's briefing.
Check it out.
James, you're gonna have to cover for me this afternoon.
Doctor's appointment.
I'm not a public speaker You'll be wonderful! You can think on your feet, right? Say yes, James.
Yes.
There you go! You'll be see? You'll be perfect.
Get outta here! You'll be wonderful! They're gonna eat him alive.
That'll teach the mayor not to give me a raise.
Paul Thomas lassiter, what are you doing? I'm sorry, Claudia.
When it comes to our happiness Nothing gets in my way.
Oh, Paulie, you're like a gladiator.
(GIGGLING) I know.
Hey, bubba, you got any tobaccy? Sorry, cletus, I left it in back of my pickup next to my banjo.
Hey, what say after we bag us some critters we go into town and beat the tar outta some long-hairs? Hey, bubba, cletus, y'all gonna joke us right into the poorhouse, so shut the hell up.
Shh! Shh! First buck at 2:00.
Mike, you wanna translate? Well, uh, Carter, if then 2:00 would be That's gonna be right over oh, look at that pretty animal.
There's nothing more breathtaking than seeing one of mother nature's children in the open in all its beauty.
Who wants to shoot him? No, no.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Y-y-you go ahead because because I went first at the outhouse.
I insist.
I what's the matter, Flaherty? Don't you have the stones for it? Did I misread you? Whoa.
Wow.
I didn't even see that one.
We don't usually shoot babies, but that is one hell of a shot! (CACKLING) STUART: Stacey! You here now! He is Satan in a crew cut.
No.
He's a puppy! He's a puppy.
He's a puppy.
(SIGHS) So, Stuart, I finished typing up these parking permit plans of yours.
The only thing more boring than my parking permit plans is you telling me about it.
They're really good.
Really? Yeah.
Great job.
Huh.
Biscuit? It's a biscotti.
Oh.
That's what I said.
Huh.
Sit.
Oh.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You know, you have worked so hard this morning, I think you owe yourself a long lunch.
I have put in a full morning.
Ah! You're doing such a great job in Mike's place.
Yes, you are! I think I will take a long lunch.
Great.
Pick me up a Caesar salad? Dressing on the side? What a sweetie! Mmm, mmm.
It is a pleasure watching you shoot, Flaherty.
Yeah.
Just wish we could've found the little guy.
He-he's probably fine, though, right? I mean, he's, you know, just walking it off.
And sure, he'll have a scar, a nasty scar, but but the other deer will just think that's cool.
Nope.
You got him right in the haunch.
He ran away, but he'll soon Weaken from loss of blood.
Then he'll be sitting out there in the cold, his life ebbin' out of him.
Then he'll call for mama.
"Mama.
" "Mama!" But mama ain't comin', is she? I need a drink.
Oh, liquor at lunch! (CACKLES) You and I are kindred spirits, Flaherty.
I got a bottle right in here.
All right, all right.
"Kindred spirits.
" Time to make the deal.
No, no.
It's time to go find the deer.
Carter, you're with me.
Nikki, cover for us.
What? And say what? Tell him we got bored not killing anything.
Doesn't matter.
Come on, Carter.
Shouldn't we wear our oranges? Oh, forget the oranges.
(GUNSHOT) Let's orange up.
Help.
Help.
We need medical attention, stat! I have always wanted to say that.
My son may look like a deer to you But that doesn't mean he shouldn't get the same quality care as a normal-looking kid.
Now, go.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
You can't Yeah, I-I know what you're thinking, but, uh But that's not a deer.
It-it's a guy in a deer suit.
I saw it.
It's a deer.
Well, that means I got ed strapped to the hood of my car.
Don't think of him as a deer.
Ok? Think of him as one of God's creatures.
Think of him as courtside knick tickets.
I'll do what I can.
There.
Look how nice your coat looks.
Well, thank you.
My pleasure.
I have so much to learn.
You're doing great.
Just remember, sometimes you have to be firm.
Stuart, it's time for your meeting with the transportation board! Who's chairing, iverson or katz? Katz.
You know I hate katz.
Now, Stuart! Ok.
Hey, you have something on the back of your jacket.
Where? We have to fill out these forms.
Um, "blood type.
" Deer, Carter.
Deer negative.
Don't you get snippy with me.
All right, ask me your questions.
Fine.
"Nature of your relationship to the patient.
" Oh, that's easy assassin! Hey, buddy, I may have shot him, but you ate his mother! Oh! Please, you two.
This is a hospital.
He's right.
Yeah, yeah.
Cannibal.
Baby killer.
Oh, hi, Paul.
Looks like you got a little sun.
I was at the doctor's.
I wasn't on the roof.
So, uh How did James' press conference go? If it was a fight, it would've been stopped.
Well, then I suppose a $300-a-week raise wouldn't seem unreasonable.
Well, on the contrary, James' display of incoherent babbling James is still in the room, sir.
made me appear as cool as a cucumber.
It was great.
In fact, I'm thinking of having James do my press conferences more often.
How about I'm sorry, Paul.
You know Serious budgetary concerns.
My, uh My best offer is $300 Less than what you're making right now.
Less? You know what, sir? I'm actually I'm ok with my present salary.
No! Too late.
Offer's on the table.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I couldn't possibly work for less than $100 less.
Well, I'm gonna have to stick to $300 less.
$200 less! That's my final offer! You're a tough negotiator.
It's nothing personal, sir.
It's just business.
S-sir, did you just give Paul a pay cut? No, I was just kidding around.
Oh.
So then you don't really think I did that badly at the press conference.
No, no! You were great! Heh.
Carter and Nikki are waiting for the little guy to be discharged.
So, is the deer gonna live? Oh, who cares? We're all expendable.
You come to work, you do the best you can.
What do ya get? A kick in the teeth.
So, anyway I'm telling you, if that deer hadn't made it, I would not have been able to get nolan's voice outta my head.
NOLAN: Flaherty! You guys heard that, right? You got away without gettin' your check.
Oh, hey, Peter, come on.
Today today was not about money.
Here's a pen.
Well, what would you do if somebody gave you a half million dollars? Ha.
I'd kiss him on the mouth.
I would thank him and not touch him.
What was that? It sounded like hooves.
No, that was James.
Uh, James.
We call him old deer hooves.
Hey, James.
Um, show Mr.
nolan what-what you got.
I'm not big on dancin' men.
James, you're fired.
Now that was a hard-nosed decision.
I respect that.
How about we make it a million? Paul, you're fired.
Oh, that's just great.
Ok now, one million Uh, parks department, third floor.
Damn.
Here.
Try again.
- Ah! - Ah! Ha, you got me.
Excuse me! I'm waiting for a package.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Come back here! What's up with him? He's just chasing the mailman.
Mike's back.
You're not Stuart's assistant anymore.
You have to give him up.
Why? I can take care of them both.
You know what you have to do.
What's the matter? Stuart I'm not your assistant anymore.
Oh.
We'll still hang out, right? No.
Things are gonna have to go back to the way they were.
Oh.
Well, it was really a pleasure working with you today.
Shake? And if it's not asking too much, could you be my assistant one last time? Sure, Stuart.
What do you want me to do? Me.
Ya! (CHUCKLES) That kind will always turn on you.
Let me get this straight.
You're saying it's the money or the deer? Let's just say it's a test.
This is a very large donation.
I want to make sure you have my interests at heart.
Mike, we can't just allow him to shoot prancer! We named him.
What's it gonna be, Flaherty? The deer gets killed and you get a million bucks.
How about 500,000 and we just slap him around a little? No dice.
we call him names? He's just a kid.
That stuff stays with you.
I'm waiting.
All right, little fella.
This is where you get off.
I want you to always remember who you are.
You're the million dollar deer.
You guys wanna say your good-byes? I already had my good-bye with the check.
Say good-bye to Carter.
Come on.
Ah, a little life advice.
Let's see.
Ah! If ever there comes a time when you start to find the boy deer sexier than the girl deer, just go with it, man, 'cause life's too short.
Here we go.
You're free.
Go on.
Go on.
Come on, get outta here.
Go, will ya? (TEARFULLY) I never liked you anyway! Go! Get outta here! (SOBS) Aw.
Wonderful.
I know, I know.
No one treats my man that way.
I don't care if you're mayor of the city.
I am the mayor of the city.
Don't interrupt me.
Paul deserves that raise, and you know it.
Done.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, and Paul is very proud.
Really? Well, if he knew I was here doing this, it'd crush him.
Understood.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(BARKING) Moo.