Stath Lets Flats (2018) s03e04 Episode Script

Well, as you can see,
this is a little bit slippery,
little bit slick, er, you've just
got to, er, focus onto the towel
and you will be inside the flat,
believe in me and you.
A bit unsafe, maybe?
No, no, no, I bring my daughter
here all the time.
It's as safe as the month of
Ju-u-u-ne!
Whoa! Look at that!
HE GIGGLES
You missed out on some fun!
I don't need to go into every
single, er, room,
but this one, you wanted to come in,
and I' never say no,
that's my rule.
Never say no to anyone about
anything they ever ask,
and that's what you get from us
as a agency,
never say no,
and actually, sometimes,
we struggle to say yes.
So let's get onto the next, er,
room
Well, yeah, the ceiling's a bit low
no?
Oh, come on, kid, this is beautiful.
Snip the hair bump off,
let it flow,
you'll be able to do a mini jump
for all I have known.
My boyfriend's about your height.
Would he be able to jump?
Does he love jumping?
Yeah, he does.
Why don't you try it?
Do you reckon you'd take,
take the flat, if I jump, if I jump?
Yeah.
Welcome to your new property.
See? Easy. OK
I heard, from you, you don't like
things being low,
so I've got something nice
and high for you.
Come with me, to have a good look,
here.
So, er,
yeah.
Really odd.
It's a really odd, er, toilet.
But I thought, er, you might like it
cos you've got that odd, er,
trousers top on, and, er,
it is strong.
Honestly, go for the loo,
I'll leave the room.
Strong as a uncle.
Gary Jones!
HE CHUCKLES
You'd have been
happy for me to sit on that?
BEFORE it fell?
Thrilled for you, yeah.
All this is going online,
by the way.
Do you have anything to say
to my followers,
before you get cancelled?
OK. Hello!
Er, shoutout to my daughter, Dina,
my sister, Sophie,
my g-, my ex-girlfriend, Katia,
I love ya! I need ya!
I need ya!
That sort of thing?
CHEAP-SOUNDING THEME MUSIC
Welcome for internet television,
Speak Greek Speak. It's interviews,
politics, celebration,
opa and gossip.
Our guest today is scandal
from the world of lettings agency.
True News. A girl make videos
of ordinary Haringey letting agents
being naughty.
The one of our guests, Michael
Eagle, got 80,000 views on YouTube.
Now
..THAT'S views.
Let us, er, take a look.
Yeah, oh, as a FYI,
you can't really have pets here.
Erm, I think that's
Oh, I've got four cats.
Is that OK?
I mean, I don't
I don't really care.
Why is this door handle
covered in blood?
Oh, the tap's really sharp.
I cut my hands washing them,
and then opened the door.
The tap's so sharp
you cut your hand?
No.
It's always weird when there
isn't a baby,
but there is a baby's bedroom,
d'you know what I mean?
Like, ooh, like a horror film.
Come and have a look,
come and have a look.
Babe! Get off!
So, Efstathios,
did you be, er, disgraceful?
No.
Thank you for having me,
and, er, I just want to say, yeah,
right,
well, I know some people are, er,
thinking letting agents
are naughty or whatever, cos
we've been naughty or whatever.
But, I just want to say a comment,
which is,
what's the point?
D'you know what I mean?
What's the point in filming me,
making me look like a idiot,
making me feel stupid,
in front of my dad,
ashamed of me.
What's the point?
What's the point? The point is
that we have come to say sorry
to our tenants, because, obviously,
there's a problem with housing
in London, and What, do I look
like housing? Do I have a chimney?
No. So what's the point?
Al, say "what's the point".
Oh, wh-what, what's the point?
I-I'm sorry, I'm not too, er,
not too confident in front of cam,
erm
I'd just like to say I'm so sorry
for everything,
and I will look at myself
in the mirror,
and not like what I see,
and I promise that I'll
Sophie, hm? This is your husband?
Oh, no, we're No husb-, er, my,
just, my best friend.
We're best friends. I look at your
acting films on Instagram.
You want to do your next film
here on Speak Greek Speak, huh?
What, like a blox-office smash?!
She is a wonderful actor. Oh!
You are much better person
than your brother.
HEY!
HUH!
What's the point of this, man?!
This is maniac!
I call you for you to, to clean
the shame off of me and my daughter,
but you're pouring it on my head
like a beef custard, man!
I'm not sorry
and I'm not disgraceful!
Bog off, man!
Stop clapping while I'm shouting!
Can someone please tell me
why I said yes to that?
What?
Arnie's making me go confession.
What, she didn't like it?
Aw, I thought we come across
as really good.
And cool and, yeah, wicked.
Have you read the comments?
What comments? Is there comments?
Oh, God.
"These guys are stupid idiots.
"Seriously stupid, man."
Who the hell said that?!
TinkyB663.
TinkyB?! Yep.
All right, well, say something
back in her, innit.
Say to her, in the comments Yrah.
.."Don't you ever"
"Don't you ever"
"..EVER" OK.
"..EVER say that to me." "..to me."
And then, yeah, tell her everything
I've been through in my life.
Yeah, I'm not sure
it would allow for that.
Why? Oh, who do you think it is?
Do you know a TinkyB, Dean?
It's obviously just tenants, man.
They don't like us.
We only lie to them. Who's ever told
the truth to their tenant?
Er, me? You think I haven't heard
Carole talk about,
"It's a door, but it can be a chair
if you lean on it"?
Yeah, cos it can be. How?
Anyway, Gary Give-A-Guff what
tenants think - they're all rank.
I've just found an article.
I think other agencies are doing
content to prove that they're nice.
What?! Do they? Oh, I think
Smethwick's done one of them.
So, yeah
Oh, my God.
Is that Andrew Lee Strachnan?
Hi, I'm Anthony Stappan.
Hi, I'm Anthony Stappan,
and, as a letting agent,
I stand with tenants
and I'm raising awareness
by starting a herb garden in my car,
representing grow
CAR HORN HONKS
Representing growth.
It's a good strategy. Yeah.
Here at Smethwick's,
we work pretty damn hard.
But sometimes, while we're working
our butts off doing our hard job,
we forget to work on ourselves.
So we went away
for a two-day workshop.
And, whilst chatting
and playing games
Oosh! Ya bastard!
THEY CHUCKLE
..we realised we owe our tenants,
huge time.
And, as a big fat treat,
we thought
..a tenner to a tenant! What?!
A tenner to a tenant.
We value our clients so much,
we just can't bear the thought
of them feeling short-changed.
We're challenging all the agencies
in the Haringey area -
Chigby Estate, Vape Estate,
Michael andBugle Lettings -
to take part.
Post your vid of you
treating your tens to a ten today!
HE LAUGHS
ALL: Tenner to a tenant
Tenner to a tenant
Tenner to a tenant
One per household! ♪
Very nice.
It's cunning. It's cunning.
It is cunning. It's cunning.
It's coming home, it's coming ♪
OK. Carole, why are you there?
Wait, was there a Carole in that?
Yeah, no. I mean,
I was just passing by
and they wanted an extra sort
female presence, you know?
What do you think I look like,
sort of in amongst with them?
Oh, my God, Chigby Estate
have been cancelled. What?!
What does that possibly mean?
I-I don't know.
They're very sensitive guys.
They can't hack that.
I think we should just
do tenner for a tenant.
But it's Smethwick's, man.
We don't have to do
trick-a-trick-a-trainer
cos they told us to.
We can do whatever charity
we want for the tenants.
I'll do a rap for them.
We could all rap with them.
Like a 24-hour rap for charity,
innit.
I think maybe we just give tenners.
I don't have a camera on my phone
Well, I've got a camera.
Film me first, I'll film you,
then I'll film everyone doing
the rap. OK, I'll go first. OK, OK.
Hey, you gotta know that
I'm sorry to the tenants tonight
But if you knew my life,
you know I'm a parent, all right? ♪
OK. Dean, jump in, jump in. No, no,
no. I'm not fucking jumping in.
This ends now. Carole,
where do we keep the tenners?
And action, Sophie.
One more time tonight,
if you say, "Come to me,"
one more time tonight,
then I match my words -
I promise I will scratch you
every day,
every single day
of the rest of your life.
So don't ever say,
"Come to me," again.
And what if I do say, "Come"?
What are you going to do about it?
Scratch you every day
for the rest of your life.
OK, cut.
OK, so I'm thinking
I actually do want to have a gun.
I feel like it's not 18 rating
just to say "gun".
Everything we make has to be 18.
Maybe it could be like a 12 or 10,
just cos
it's going on Speak Greek Speak,
and all my cousins in Cyprus
is going to watch it
and don't want them
to think I've gone, like, gun crime.
This is a fat opportunity, OK?
It's fat. We're talking about
Speak Greek Speak.
Peter Andre could be watching.
But maybe we could do it
like a positive story for Peter.
Like, um, "Michael and Eagle
is so caring."
I just want to help Al and Stath,
and it's wrecking my mind
with guilt,
thinking what the tenants is writing
on them on the internet.
OK. So we make a film about Al. OK.
Here is the film about Al.
"Once upon
I don't care about Al!"
Might save up for a takeaway
one day, an Indian takeaway.
Yeah, might put it towards that.
Dean, what, er
What would you do with ten big ones?
I'd go to a tenant's house and give
it to them. Who's got the tenner?
Oh, I do.
Gotcha! I don't have a tenner.
Oh, you don't?
I think Carole asked you
to take it out of petty cash.
Yeah, well, she was just saying
stuff, like, throughout the morning.
That wasn't What?
Well, it's not
a proper thing to say, is it?
"The pretty cash"? Fair.
For these two, I've got nothing.
Nothing, bothers. I got, like, £3.
Why are you knocking
if you don't have the tenner?
What are you talking about?
You don't have the? Hello.
You all right?
Oh, er, are you guys?
You from the letting agents?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Did you come to fix the door?
Cos, once it's open,
it's impossible to close.
I mean, shouldn't you have just
sent a locksmith?
We could just hit that
with a hammer, I think.
Sorry. Hi. So you have been calling
about your door,
and we are going to get that fixed
at some point,
but what we're going to do
Have you seen that thing
on the internet
about how we've got to give you
a tenner to a tenant for charity?
And then, Dean, give him the tenner.
I said I don't have it.
Sorry. One second, sir.
Have you got anything? I don't
have I think I have a pound.
Oh, that's good. That's great.
Sorry, what's going on?
I was trying to tell you -
it's for charity,
so we can show off on the internet
about how good we are.
Would you take £4.03?
OK, instead of the £4,
how about how about I give you £50
to go and jump in that canal
for charity?
No! Goodbye. What? No.
No.
Hey, Rick! No.
Are you serious? Are you serious?
I'm very serious.
I asked you to come and fix my door,
you're pushing your way
into my house.
No, but about the thing about us
jumping in the canal for £50 -
was that serious?
Obviously not, no.
And do I have to do it?
I can't believe we're even
talking about it, to be honest.
Well, you said you wanted me
to do it.
Now what's this about?
You said 50 quid.
No I mean, yeah, like,
I'm well up for you doing it.
I just didn't expect you
to take me seriously.
Why are you going to do it?
Well, you're not going to do it,
are you? Of course I'm not.
It's charity. We've got to
be doing things like this.
That's the spirit of the time, man.
I don't know. I hear those things
are quite full of soot and things.
Look, if we get 50 quid
to the charity for tenants,
this is people when they pass us
in the street.
Why do you want that?
Because it's thumbs up.
Listen, man, if you don't
want to do it, don't do it.
Just don't keep me waiting here.
I'm thinking about it, Rick!
You ever done that - think?
Give me a second.
Do I have to do it?
No! No, no. Obviously not.
Oh, God.
He didn't take his jacket off.
GASPING: A fish chased me!
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
Let's have a look. What?
Let's have a look. At what?
Let's have a look. What?
Did it look good? Ah,
it looked amazing. Olympic. Yeah?
Let's have a look. At what?
The video.
I don't think anyone took a video.
Al! And Dean and Rick!
Al and Dean and Rick!
That was the whole point of me going
in the water for the money,
so people knew I was trying
to make monkey for charity. Money.
I don't have a camera on my phone.
Mine's in the car.
Yeah, and mine's in my pocket. Oh
Look, I'll film it
if you want to do it again.
I'll film it.
No, I'm not doing it again.
I'm not a performing puppy, man. All
right. No, no. Don't go. Don't go.
Let me think about it.
Obviously, don't do it again.
Hello. What's your name, friend?
Tim Dawson.
I've been living on the streets
for some time.
Oh, and my name is.
I'm from Michael and Eagle Lettings
and I want to hear your life story
and change your life
and give you a flat, Jim Dawson.
Tim Dawson.
Oh, this is whack, man!
This is some pussy soy milk shit.
Oh, actually, it's a very good film,
actually,
and I did think it was very moving.
PHONE CHIMES
Oh.
Oh, it's a text from Stath.
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
It is clear that's for charity.
It's a video of you
jumping into a canal.
Why would anyone
think it's for charity?
Rick really should have signposted
that better in the title.
He's going to kick himself.
Wait, what on Earth is the title?
Er, "I paid a lying letting agent
to jump in a pooey bog."
OK, Dina's never allowed
to learn how to read.
This Rick!
Saying I lie when I do not!
Do you know what I mean?
Did I forget to tell him that I'm
the tiny father of a tiny daughter?
Completely. And so unfair of him
to say the bog was pooey.
I mean, he's really making
a meal out of that.
There was definitely poos in there.
Are you smelling Stath right now?
Please don't mention
that I smell right now -
I don't think I can handle
a mention like that.
Apologies. Hi, I'm Kara,
a tenant at 46 Hundig Grove.
When we moved into the flat,
we were told we weren't allowed
to put shelves up
because you guys
were going to do it.
So would that be possible?
Look, I don't have time to put up
shelves. Do you know what I mean?
I'm getting in the water, I'm doing
my things, do you know what I mean?
Can't you just put all your stuff
on, like, a small,
like, dark green table?
It'd be a bit weird to keep
everything I own on a small table.
Well, it'd be pretty weird to put
everything you own on one shelf.
Know what I mean? Are you going
to put your shoes on the shelf?
Get a life, Kara.
Are you serious? No.
Actually horrible person.
Whoa
Kara, no! Come on.
Kar No, Kara, Kara!
Why was that your reaction?
Just give the girl some shelves,
you lunatic!
You're saying you want tenants
to like you, for some reason -
do something for them!
I did do something for them!
I went in the water for them!
I went on Greek YouTube for them!
And I asked that guy
if he'd take £4.
And then he made me
get in the water for them.
Why do you think
they want any of those things?
You two are so shook of tenants
thinking that you're nice.
Why don't you go
to their broken flats
and fix the mess they've been
asking you to fix since, like, 1999?
Yeah. It'll take you, like,
two hours.
Maybe
Maybe we should fix some things.
MUSIC: If You're Too Shy
(Let Me Know) by The 1975
No, no - French kiss me at the end
of the film or I'm out. God!
Katia! I just don't think
that me and you taking a kiss
is going to clear Al's damn name.
God! All right, Sophie? I let myself
in. You all right? I let myself in.
I've been trying to fix a load
of tenant stuff round the corner,
but they keep getting annoyed
with me cos of my scent. Don't.
Me and Al are going to have a couple
of showers if that's all right?
Oh, I'm good for a shower, actually.
Oh, my God. Al, are you OK?
I have been feeling so guilty
about our actions having
a negative impact on the crucial
work that you've been doing
I've been trying to
make a film for you.
..at this key moment in your career.
I just feel like a hug
And-and with me and you, Katia,
I just wanted to say I've been
going around all the bloody houses,
smacking things with a hammer
to fix them,
but it just
is breaking them instead!
That is a deep stench, brother.
That's not us talking over
each other, is it? That's
Haven't you heard about the strife
I've been getting
from the haters, man? Why are you
so scared of being trolled?
I love to be trolled.
Rip me to shreds, please.
Oh, sorry. Have you ever been filmed
crouching in a flat
and then put that on the internet?
Nerd!
Oh, I've been filmed crouching
on the internet.
Why don't you two
go and have a shower,
and we continue
with our boring film?
I wanted to
Katia! It is not boring film!
All right. It's actually going to be
very sexy and thrilling
and have an incredible message
about you two and Michael and Eagle.
Is it?! Oh, no, don't waste
this opportunity on us, please.
I mean, we've ruined
these tenants' lives.
We need to reflect on that.
We're tenant of Michael and Eagle.
I'm a piece of shit.
I have no respect for flat.
You should be making
secret troll film about us.
FANFARE
Tonight is special theatre film
and acting special fantastic.
We have everyone who is working
the theatres and the films.
You maybe remember last week,
we have Vasos's daughter, Sophie,
on the show.
She is make a video for us.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Thank you.
Tell us, please, about the film,
Once And For All Eternity.
It's basically finally telling
the other side of the story
of the life of working in lettings.
Cos it's not always the agents
that is out of order.
Sometimes the tenants
can be dangerous, too,
and also me and Katia
are the tenants.
I see. OK.
Let's watch
Me And Katia Are The Tenants.
TENSE MUSIC
Hello, letting agent.
It's the tenants.
Hello. Of course I can help,
Mrs Rick.
I'll be there in a instinct.
We have a very nice problem.
Would you like to come over
and fix it?
Say, Colin,
you're a letting agent with me.
You want to come help? The tenants
having a problem like no other.
Oh, yeah. We have to really
help out the tenants.
They have no idea
They have no idea
..what they're getting into.
..what I'm getting
..are getting themselves into.
THEY CACKLE
Ah!
God, I'm drunk.
It's crazy how much
I hate this flat.
SHE STOMPS
I like this glass that
the letting agent put in the flat.
Not!
GLASS SHATTERING SOUND EFFECT Smash!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Let's go!
KNOCKING SOUND EFFEC
How can we help you out of this mess
you're in, ladies?
Tell me and Kevin
about the problem.
Problem is,
we're gonna come after you.
No, don't do that.
We can't spend the rest of our lives
watching over our backs.
We need a promise.
We don't ever have to pay
the rent again,
and you have to go on TV
and say that you're dogs.
What do we have to do
to prove to you ..you
..that we are the respectful
..are the respectful
..letting a ..landlords?
..letting agents? ..letting agents?
THWACK!
Oh, stop!
CRACK!
Argh! She kicked me in the head!
Don't you ever help me! No!
Rah! Rah! Rah!
THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!
Don't hit me with a hammer.
GUNSHO
So much for helping tenants!
She's shooting me now.
Don't worry about them.
I need you to fix my bed,
cos it's not working.
SHE CACKLES
SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS
HARSH STRINGS PLAY
Wait, what?
That's right. That's the twist.
It was me and Colin all along.
Yeah, we were on the same side,
so Yeah.
No!
Please, no!
Yes. Yes.
OK, do the kiss.
Kiss.
No, longer.
That's right.
Oh, God.
Stath! Stath! Look.
So, erthis is not your husband?
ErI
It's just a flippin'
astonishing performance. Huh.
Not now!