Stella (2012) s03e04 Episode Script

I'm turning into a dirty old woman, lusting after every fella I see.
- I love you, Marcus.
I do, man.
- Oh, God! - Does Luke know you're here? - What do you think? If you report me, I'll report you! Who to? Environmental Health.
It's like living next door to a bloody refugee camp! Muscle Man here.
How horny are you? Well, quite a lot, actually.
In fact, it's getting a bit ridiculous.
Like - Every man I look at - Is that Stella Morris? What? No! It's Malcolm Tippins, it is! Megan's brother I thought it was you.
We used to go to Pontyberry Juniors together .
.
Oh Well, Tess, Maybe Pontyberry isn't such a shit-hole after all.
Tessa! What? What's going on? Pipes are down.
For two days.
From your house right round up to number 46.
Sequential engineering.
- Oh, brilliant.
- Isn't that right, Stell? - What's that? - Water's off.
No, not in my house, it isn't.
Oh, God, did I say house? Refugee camp, I meant.
For God's sake.
Don't bother me, Mike.
I didn't wash for two months in 'Nam.
Two days won't even scratch the surface.
Great! Stupid bloody shit-hole of a place.
Ow! How do, Stell? What brings you here? - Looking to trade up? - Oh, you're joking, aren't you? - No, what it is - Looking to trade down, then, - now you're doing the nursing, is it? - No I got just the thing.
- Edna Meredith's Mini.
- No, what it Vintage, virtually.
She's lingering on but her son said he'll text me the moment she goes.
- Yeah - Every inch spells excitement.
Well, the car, that is.
Not Mrs Meredith.
No, it's about Luke, it is.
You know he never got the driving job last week? Yeah, as I say, I'm sorry about that.
- How sorry? - Hey? Sorry enough to find him something else? You got a lot of cars to sell here, Dai Davies.
Maybe my Luke could help you out? Interesting.
Tell him to pop and see me.
I'll have a little think.
You are a star.
Can't stop! Yoo-hoo, Dai, love! - Aunty Brenda.
- Have you got a min? Now, you won't believe it to look at her but apparently Nadine Bevan do do a lot with the Petunia Trust.
- For the special needs kiddies? - Does she? Yeah! I know! But she's just been on to me now about providing transport for their trip to Castell Coch on Saturday.
- She've been let down by Sid Lloyd.
- Well, she won't be the first.
He's gone to pot since he split up with Lena.
Yeah.
Anyway, I said yes.
Did you? Well, as a partner in the business, I would've said a definite no.
- You what? - Them buses are like new, Aunty Brenda, and kids is messy.
And furthermore, I've pencilled in the Pontyberry Pensioners.
They're on hold for a trip to the retail outlet on the A470.
Well, I'm sorry, but I think we should take a leaf out of Whitney Houston's book, God rest her tortured, bloated, drug-addled soul.
It's the children are the what-yer-call.
And anyway, all this is by the by 'cause Nadine have paid up front.
So Anyone like a go? All yours, Stella Morris.
That's a very firm pump you've got there.
You like it hard, don't you? Oh, I love it! Argh! Enough of the pumping already.
- She's a patient, not a push bike! - Sorry.
Oh, I tell you what, these pills are doing my head in.
Hey, nice wrist action, mind.
Oh, I got to take this.
Hiya, presh.
Did you get my message about Dai Davies? Yeah, sounds brilliant.
What is it, a car salesman? Is that a personal call, Stella Morris? On the ward? Mam? No.
Mam? Yellow card.
Yellow card.
Yellow card.
Late night? - No, actually, my water - Look, buddy.
Break-ups are hard, yeah? Different people react in different ways.
Jan's blooming and And you've taken a hit.
But you can't let yourself go like this, yeah? Be strong.
Look, my water's been cut off.
That's why I look and smell like this.
Well, Andy wasn't to know, was he? Well if the smug git had let me get a word in edgeways Michael, you're getting aggressive.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Look, can I just please just use our I mean, your shower tonight? Please? No! I've got my book group coming over.
What would they think? Tomorrow, then? Please? Look, I'm meeting the Wilson Associates for dinner, I can't go like this! I want you out of there by 7:00.
Fine.
I just never thought of you as having the gift of the gab, that's all.
Ah, see, but it's not just about the chopsing.
- It's about the mind games.
- Shut up.
You got to look at your potential buyer and find their weak spot.
Flatter them, tell them what they want to hear, big 'em up, but do it subtle, like.
Then, bam! You got 'em in the palm of your hand.
I get it, that's how you got me into bed, was it? Exactly! Right, wish me luck.
Just my mam.
Good luck.
I love you.
See you later, Jack.
But still, a beaut of a vehicle, mind.
How many horsepower? Now you're asking.
Let me find out.
- Luke! I've been expecting you.
- All right, Dai? My mam told me you might have a job going.
Well, yeah, there is, as it goes.
Great! So, uh, when do you want me to start? Well, now's good.
Though you might be a bit overdressed.
Really? I thought you had to look smart to sell cars, like? Well, no, I wasn't looking for someone to sell cars, son.
I was looking for someone to, uh To wash 'em.
That car should carry a public health warning.
Oh, mind, don't forget to lock it, will you? 'Cause you know what us lot are like round here.
Someone might steal it! Well, my day couldn't really get much worse, so here, feel free.
I don't bloody want it! It's an even bigger scrapheap than mine! Sorry.
- That was really childish of me.
- Oh, forget it.
No.
I'm stressed, I am.
'Cause I've got to stand on a weighing scales in a minute and have my ex-husband's beautiful, skinny girlfriend tell me how fat I am.
- What? - Doesn't matter.
And look, I'm sorry about last week, calling you an English bastard.
Well, I am English.
And about Ben breaking in and all that.
Anyway.
He's been grounded now till he's at least 45.
It's fine, I I overreacted.
It was quite inventive of him, really.
Truce, then, Mr Jackson? Truce, then, Mrs Morris.
You, in.
Now! Thoroughbred of a man, that, Stell.
What? Well, I would.
If I were three years younger! Well, I reckon you've done yourself a favour making friends with him.
Hang on, I didn't say we were friends per such, just you know, on friendly terms.
Anyway, I thought you didn't like him? Yeah, but I'm not the one that's living next door to him, am I? I mean, the last thing you want to be is in a permanent hoo-hah with the bloke next door.
Happened to a cousin of mine.
Oh, terrible trouble with a woman over the road.
Neighbour from hell, she was.
In a documentary and everything.
- What, about neighbours from hell? - No, no.
Diabetes or something.
Right, let's go and bust some blubber.
Where you been going wrong is you've been saying yes to any old Tom, Dick and Larry instead of being selective.
Have you gone totally cracker barrel? - You're suggesting we turn work down? - Hear me out.
If we go for the classier stiffs I'm talking doctors, dentists, solicitors, celebs Then we can charge their families three times as much as an Aldi assistant from Atlee Way! Making more money for less work! Exactly! So, how do we attract this this new clientele, pray tell? By making a little promotional video.
Now, remember, I want all of you to come back here next week with an active hobby, okay? See you in seven days! Made it this week, then? On time.
Who are you? The speaking clock? - No, I just meant it's nice to see you.
- I know what you meant, you daft bugger.
See you next week.
Hmm.
She's an odd fish! Yeah.
Hey, Aunty Brenda Before I forget, thanks ever so much for making me the lead bus driver on the Castell Coch trip.
It means a lot.
Who said you was lead bus driver? Dai Davies.
Oh, did he, now? Excuse me.
Who died and made you God of the buses, I want to know? - Sorry? - Aye, you want to be! Telling Alan Williams he's lead driver on the what-yer-call without consulting me! - Sorry, I didn't mean to start nothing.
- You haven't, son.
- This is business.
- Hey, what's going on? I don't see why there's a problem.
You never bothered consulting me before you took on them kids.
You just booked it with Nadine.
That's because it's my business, buddy boy! It's called Brenda's Buses! And I'm Brenda! Yeah, I think we all know that, Aunty Brenda.
- Let's just calm down, is it? - Leave it, Stell! There's a lot of low blood sugar in this room tonight, so tempers are rife.
Sometimes a fight's the only answer.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Ben, I swear to God! Don't make me come up there! All right, coming.
Two more.
Aw, you looked so nice in your suit and all.
I thought you preferred a bit of rough.
There's nothing rough about you, Luke Morgan.
Well, sometimes there is So, you going to your mam's again today, are you? Whilst I slave over a load of soapy cars.
Yeah.
You're all right about that, though, aren't you? Yeah, of course I am.
Give me that ball.
- Oh, Mam! - Give it! If you are not careful, good boy, I am sending you on a one-way flight to Abu Dhabi and you can go and live with your bloody father! What am I supposed to do? You've grounded me! I got to have some entertainment.
It's like being a prisoner! Yeah, Ben, it's exactly like being a prisoner.
Get to school! That ain't going to fill a fella your size.
- Won't even touch your side.
- Tell me about it.
There is always surgery, Alan.
My Aunty Esha had five stone of body fat removed from her abdomen and thighs.
Really? How's she now? - Dead.
- Dead.
Well, we did all warn her not to go to Estonia to get it done.
But she was a stubborn old witch.
Ah, Parvadi.
Please! She wasn't that old.
Don't tell me.
You're advertising all your old dresses, now the weight's dropping off you like? No.
I reached my target weight two years ago, actually.
Sorry, I didn't mean anything I only go to Blubber Busters so I can maintain my weight.
I don't need to lose any more.
No, no, I wasn't saying Just, you know, so Did you used to be - you know - Fat? - Yeah.
- 16 stone, at one point.
Good God, I can't imagine that! Hoo! Had a big double-chin, the lot.
Sleep apnea, borderline diabetic and I couldn't cross my legs.
Piano for sale, eh? Yeah.
My son's.
Got bored of it, did he? - Something like that.
- Yeah.
Kids, eh? Sorry, it's none of my business.
You know, funny thing is I've been thinking about getting a piano.
Really? Can anyone tell me what this is? - A glove.
- Wrong.
- A hand? - Uh-uh.
This is a serious oh-my-God-her-face- have-swollen-up-like-a-balloon- and-her-tongue's-going-blue- and-she's-asphyxiating life-and-death-situation hazard! 'Cause Mrs Wong by here's allergic to latex.
One tickle from me wearing this and she's as dead as your Aunt Fanny Andrews.
Always check for allergies.
Aspirin, penicillin.
Stella, allergies? Cats.
You seen my hands? They do look like my nan's, they're so shrivelled.
She's had me washing hair all week, the bitch.
Yeah, well, you shouldn't have got your tits out at the awards, then, should you? Or tried to snog her husband.
Well, what does she care? She wasn't even there.
We all know why.
No, we don't.
I heard they had a big row just before they left the house.
She refused to go.
She dug her heels in, had a massive strop.
Who told you that? My cousin knows their babysitter's boyfriend.
Heard everything.
Apparently Collette can be a right princess and Marcus just does everything she tells him.
Idiot.
He should leave her and run away with me! Problem, Amy? No, I was just telling Emma Let's not forget you're still on a warning.
The only reason you still have your job is because Marcus fought your corner.
And he's going to be teaching you tonight on his own, so try to keep your hands off him.
'Cause one false move and you're out.
Right.
So, this training night, it's 100% non-gratis? Look out, crazy's about! For real? No hidden costs? None at all.
The whole point is the clients don't pay 'cause the junior staff are training.
And I'll definitely get my actual hair washed, will I? - Er, yeah.
- You're a life-saver, Marco.
Water's still off at ours, you see.
Oh, right.
Oh, don't get me wrong I'm fine with a bit of body odour but I spent two hours on a hookah pipe in Aberbeeg last night and it clings to your mane like a Lebanese Saadoon monkey.
What do you think? Lovely photo of you, that.
You look like a young Patsy Kensit.
Erm, of the piano? Oh, yes, of course, right.
Well, let's see Keys.
Lid.
Foot pump.
Very, uh Very well-equipped.
I can't see the likeness myself.
Are you kidding? Straight out of Absolute Beginners, that is.
All you need is David Bowie by you and you'd be sorted, eh? Thanks.
I think.
That's a handsome lad, too.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, he is Eddie Goggles wouldn't lend me his ski rack.
But George the Butcher gave me a few of his meat hooks.
You think they'll keep the piano secure, like? Zoe Stewart with Jack, Lenny Mack's son.
Is it okay if we search the baby? What? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Actually, I've changed my mind.
Oh, we'll be really careful, love.
No, it's not that, I just I don't want to see him.
Tell him I don't want to see him.
Tell him it's better this way.
I would definitely use Simpson's if I was wanting to book myself a funeral You can't go wrong with them.
They got flair, dignity.
And what-yer-call Top class.
Right I got to go, I got customers waiting.
Daddy Simpson, he's a fantastic funeral director He could direct a piss-up in a brewery.
That's disgusting.
Without Without him, this whole town would be dead - We are, of course - Impartial at all times But we'd just like to say.
.
That Daddy Simpson and his team give a Far better send-off than - Thomas.
Evans.
- Thomas.
Evans.
- And Thomas - And Evans.
- Any day of the - Week Or day Is that it? What? How can you take your name off it, Daddy? It's not even on there yet! Er, you should have come to me.
You should have asked for my help.
- Why? - Uh, because I'd have told you exactly who we need to help us put Simpson's on the map.
Our happiest customer to date and Simpson's most glitziest funeral to date.
Thai Dai? What do Thai Dai know about glitzy funerals? Everything! He was married to Su-Su Chong, for a start-off.
Pontyberry's first karaoke bar owner? Yeah, they met out in Bangkok when he was cage-fighting.
Now, I'm not saying he bought her, but he definitely remortgaged his semi when he came home.
Oh! Yeah, they were very, very happy.
Till she died in a Subaru.
Oh.
Is that like a tsunami? No, it's a car, you daft clot.
- Oh.
- Oh, it was tragic.
But her funeral was to die for! If we can get him to recommend us on tape, we'll be sorted.
Result! Let's get this show on the road.
Great.
Right.
Pleasure doing business with you.
I'm not surprised.
That's daylight robbery, that, for a hundred pound.
Oh.
I don't know what he wants a chunky old thing like that in the house for, anyway, Mrs B.
Can't swing a rat in his place, I'm telling you.
I need it, man.
We've all got to get an active hobby this week, haven't we Celia? Yeah, and Well, you get a lot of finger exercise playing the piano.
And lower arm movement.
Don't you? Course you do.
Thanks a lot.
See you.
"Swing a rat.
" Well you're dirty and sweet Hello, how are you? I used to call her my Asian Zeta-Jones, I did.
'Cause of the age difference? 'Cause she had a glorious voice! Uh, pizzazz.
Just tell us in your own words what was so good about Su-Su's send-off.
Well, I met And if you could face the camera, that'd be great.
For God's sake, I don't see what the problem is! You agreed! It's a 10-minute shower in my own house! My house! And the problem is that Andy's now coming over so I can hardly have my idiot of an ex-husband showering upstairs, can I? If I had any bloody money, I'd book into a hotel! Jan, you definitely had a heart once.
See if you can find it again, yeah? - See you tomorrow, darling.
- Bye.
She can't stay here, I don't have any bloody water! She's a child.
They go weeks without washing.
Don't mind me.
I was just leaving.
I was lucky.
When me and Karl split up, he was too guilty to be mean.
And I was too tired.
Yeah, I'm sorry you had to see that.
I'm a little bit agitated, shall we say.
That's what smelling like a bin does to you, I suppose.
Look Why don't you shower at mine? If you're desperate, like? Really? Yeah.
Why not? Thank you.
You've got to be very careful with the timing of a bubble perm, Amy.
Okey donkey.
Leave it two minutes too long and you're looking at a very tight curl.
Right.
Are you sure about this, Verv? Perm reversal can be a very lengthy process.
Deffo.
I've got a gut feeling about curls, Marcus.
They're intrinsic to my power animal.
My spiritual animal guide.
We've all got one, they walk with us.
Mine's a La Mancha goat.
It's stood right by there.
Okay, great.
Well, uh I'll let you get on.
Does that mean I got an animal too, then, Verv? Oh, yeah.
My third eye is seeing a parakeet on your shoulder.
Or a cockatiel.
Stop encouraging her! Hectic, right? - Shit! - Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
You playing hooky, too? Sort of.
My cousin's doing my head in.
- She's hilarious.
- She's not.
She thinks she's so well-travelled and different and spiritual.
But really, she's just a weirdo.
She's all right.
There's no way you two are from the same gene pool, though.
So, you settling in all right, then, are you? Yeah! Yeah, I'm loving it.
Every day's different and I'm just learning so much.
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
You're happy with what I'm doing, aren't you? I mean, you would say, wouldn't you, if there was something I was doing wrong - or where I can improve and that? - It's all good, Ems.
It's funny, that.
You calling me Ems.
It's what my family call me.
Oh, would you prefer it if I didn't? No.
I like it.
I'm sorry the lock don't work.
It's something to do with the hinge.
Oh, and you'll have to pull the shower curtain all the way round or it'll be swimming in there.
Ben, behave! Oh, and the hot is actually the cold 'cause we had Gerry the plumber fix it from Twynabery and he's dyslexic.
Got it.
What's that thudding noise? Ben, seriously, you are doing my head in.
You are a horrible, selfish teenager.
- Oi! - Oh, shit.
- What the f - Oh, my God! I am going to bloody kill you! He's wrecked it! He's wrecked it! - Who are you? Norman Bates? - I'm not even bloody insured.
- Are you all right? - Do I look all right? Excuse me.
Do you want me to finish you off? Do you want to finish off? Can you pass me the towel, please? Yeah.
- I am really sorry.
- It's fine, it's fine.
- Castles are boring.
- Can we go to Barry Island? - Or shopping.
- Shopping? Look, Castell Coch's where we're going and that's that.
Now, don't stress me out, Lucy.
- Why's the red bus in front, though? - It's completely out of my hands.
But Hang on, just a minute.
I thought I was the lead bus driver? I promised Ffion here she could be the co-pilot.
Yeah and I'm going to read the map.
- She's reading the map.
- Well, she still can.
But you'll be following, not leading, love.
- Why'd you change your mind? - To put me in my place.
Actually, as Managing Director, I had to make an executive decision.
And I feel that Yanto here could do with the challenge.
He can't even read a map, man.
Here's a list of directions, Yant.
Guard them with your life.
Any probs, I'll be on the CB radio.
I'll be fine, Bren.
I go to my sister's down Cardiff all the time, no trouble.
Yeah on the train.
Doggy Man! You forgot your Scooby snacks.
Aw, thanks, babes.
Hey, don't she look stunning? I know what you're thinking, Al.
Poodle in human form.
It's disgusting keeping these kiddies waiting like this! Don't you think they been through enough in their lives? They've had their hearts set on this trip for weeks.
- No! We want to go Barry Island.
- No, we haven't Right, hang on Right, enough! - On the bus, you lot.
- Come on, kids.
Come on.
- Oh, hello.
- Just came to give you this, to say thank you for the use of the facilities.
Oh, seriously, it was no biggie.
And I wasn't referring to, you know What I meant was Well, about that, I'm sorry you had to see me in flagrante delicto.
Come again? Un Unclothed.
Oh, don't be daft.
It's like water off a ducks doo-dah in this house, if it's not Luke in his birthday suit, it's Ben or Jack or Abs.
No, tinkle-tonkles are part of the scenery round here.
Anyway, that's That's for you.
Oh, mmm, shouldn't have.
Lambrusco Bianco.
Wow, Dad, I didn't realise it was still 1985.
Well, I didn't know if you'd prefer wine because, well I'm from Pontyberry.
Oi! Where do you think you're going? - It's Saturday.
- So? The grounding still applies.
Just to the end of the road where you can see me.
As per the bail conditions of the aforementioned grounding.
A solicitor in the making, by the sounds of it.
Hmm.
Or a convict.
- Anyway, cheers for this.
- Pleasure.
Right, come on.
I reckon we've got 40 minutes before she notices I'm not here.
Okay, now.
That's it, now.
Keep calm, everybody.
Ah! That just hit me in the head.
Right, everyone, calm down! Ten-four, ten-four.
Yanto, do you read me? - Watch the bloody road, you.
- Sorry, Nadine.
Er, yep, Yanto here.
Over and out, like.
Now, do you know where you're going? Yant! - I think so.
- What do you mean, you think so? Where's the directions I gave you? Right I'm covered in bread now.
This is absolutely ridiculous! Right, who keeps throwing that? # Seventy-eight green bottles hanging on the wall # Seventy-eight green bottles hanging on the wall And if one green bottle should accidently fall He's going the wrong way.
What do you mean he's going the wrong way? How do you know? Where'd you get that from? # Seventy-seven green bottles hanging on the wall And if one green bottle should accidently fall He's a dick.
But he sells dodgy designer gear.
It's stolen or fake, I don't know.
But I'm going to ask him to cut us in on the action.
"Action"? Hello, Jason Statham! And why would Keckers cut us in? Access to the school market, innit? We can sell in school but he can't.
That's hundreds of buyers we could get to.
Oh, Keckers! All right? All right? - I'm all right, you all right? - I'm all right.
Great.
We've established everyone's all right, now let's see what you've got.
Okay, starting with the watches.
I got D&G, Gucci, TAG, Disney.
I got tops, too, and trainers.
The lot.
Don't you want to go and explore the castle with the rest of your mates? Nah.
It's just, like, old.
It's not old, it's historical, man.
Which, in fairness, is probably just another word for Old.
You're it.
One, two, three it.
Go! Whoa! One, two, three, British bulldogs! I'm loving that side fringe on you, Mrs Dougan.
He's a genius, isn't he, my husband? Yeah, yeah, what are you buttering me up for now? Me? As if.
God, she is so annoying.
Listen, I'm going to finish early again tonight.
Lisa's had a big row with Paul, she needs a shoulder to cry on.
But you went out last night.
I didn't realise there was a weekly limit.
I didn't mean it like that, I just mean it's Saturday, isn't it? - I thought we might do something.
- Well, Lisa needs me.
Yeah, and so do I.
Emma, you can help Marcus close up tonight.
And don't worry.
We'll pay you overtime.
Okay.
Yeah, we've had a fantastic time, Aunty Bren.
One two I know, I know.
It's just a shame that you didn't follow Yanto.
- His kiddies had a grand time.
- You what? I thought he got lost? Five six He did, but he sold it as a mystery what-yer-call.
Eleven.
Yeah, well, I tell you, all 11 of my kiddies had a grand time, too, for your information.
- Twelve.
- No, 11, I just counted.
- There should be 12 of us.
- What? Problem, Al? Oh! More Lambrusco? Erm, not quite.
How about we share this one? I'm partial to a bit of fizz, aren't you? - Oh, Stella.
- Oh, Michael.
- Oh, Stella.
- Oh, Michael.
Oh Michael.
- Freaky.
- What? - Nothing.
- You're not going to believe this.
They've turned my bloody water off again.
Oh, right, it's fine, er Go and grab your towel.
No, you see, it's only going to be off for an hour or so.
I was just wondering if I could fill up my kettle? And have you got any teabags? I've run out of those too.
Oh, you're bloody useless, you are! You may as well come in and I'll make you the damn thing.
Are you sure? Visitor for you.
Everything all right? Oh, sorry You look like you've got the world on your shoulders, Alan.
- He lost a child.
- What? On a day trip.
I misplaced him, I didn't lose him.
- But you found him again? - Ebbw Vale market.
Though no one knows quite how he travelled the 36 miles there.
Or how he was selling secondhand mobiles on a stall.
Dad's worried he might get sued.
- By Nadine.
- Nadine? From the slimming? She couldn't sue her way out of a paper bag.
And anyway, if she tries, she'll have me to deal with.
I don't mean to be rude but, uh, what are you doing here? Oh, right, yes sorry, erm I found these tunes, if you want them.
That is if you're actually going to use the piano.
What, can you actually play? I remember when rock was young Mmm.
Takes you back, doesn't it? Not really.
Don't think I've ever tried it before.
Oh, you haven't lived.
Must've been a bit of a culture shock for you, mind, moving here.
Er, yeah, and I don't think I handled it very well.
I certainly didn't behave very well, did I? You talking about the antisocial miserable old bugger routine? Yeah.
I think the whole divorce thing really got to me.
Gets to everyone, presh.
Believe me, I been there.
Me and Karl, we bought the t-shirt, the mug and the novelty sun visor.
You must have been married young, though, with Luke being in his twenties.
Oh no, Karl's not Luke's dad.
That was Rob, that was.
And we weren't married, we were Anyway.
Relationships.
They're a minefield, aren't they? Yep.
You know, it's not a bad place to live, round here.
Bit mental, like.
What, like the donkey thing? And bin-burgling is rife.
I tell you what, how do you fancy integrating yourself into the community a bit? Sounds ominous.
- What did you have in mind? - Hmm Hello, ladies and gents, girls and boys! Firstly I want to say a big thank you all for coming and I sincerely hope we'll be burying one or more of you in the future.
Distant future, obviously.
Honoured, I'm sure.
And lastly, a special shoutout to Nadine Bevan for the delicious nibbles.
I do call 'em Celery Snaps, I do.
You do burn more calories chewing 'em than eating 'em.
- Oh! - She don't say.
- I'll have yours.
- You bloody won't.
Now, without further to-do, I give you the all-new Simpson's.
Roll the tape, Daddy! Everybody's looking for that something Loved one just died? Don't know where to turn? Then look no further 'Cause Simpson's are here to make the whole process smooth and elegant and .
.
and beautiful Meet Thai Dai Thai Dai lost his lovely wife Su-Su in a tragic accident.
But here at Simpson's, we made sure Su-Su met her maker in style.
We even went that extra mile for Su-Su, so she could be buried with her vast collection of football trophies.
She may have become a dainty.
little songbird in her later years but having been born a bloke, she was a devil of a mid-fielder in her teens.
with our brochure, lovely colour - When the hell did you edit that in? - Last night.
I just thought it added to the bespokeyness of it, et cetera.
Everyone knew he was a she-male, didn't they? I'll kill you! Come here, butt! Come here! Welcome to Pontyberry, presh.
I've left them towels to soak.
Okay.
Oh, and I re-stocked the coffee.
We're running a bit low, to be honest.
Are you all right? You seem a bit I don't know, down, like.
I'm fine.
Is it Collette? What makes you say that? Amy said you had a big row the other night.
- You know, before the awards.
- How did she know that? And that things are a bit difficult between you.
Amy's job's already in the balance.
She'd do well not to go gossiping about her boss like that.
I know.
And you probably think you can't trust me, but you can.
I'm not like Amy.
I've had to keep loads of secrets in the past.
I'm really good at it.
I'm sure that you are.
So come on, Marcus Jensen.
Tell me what's on your mind.
You really don't want to know what's on my mind right now, Emma.
I think I've got a pretty good idea.
Yeah.
I thought it was that.
I'm sorry, Em.
That was really stupid of me.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yeah, it was.
I think you should go home right now.
I'll finish up here.
Okay.
You've definitely flooded the engine and your manifold's cracked.
- Jesus Christ! - Oh! Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to come out for dinner with me sometime? - Ooh! - No, I would not.
Oh my God, there he is! That's Rylan! Is it? I know you're not happy, Marcus.