Strangers with Candy (1999) s03e04 Episode Script

1
NOBLET:
Okay, here's an idea.
I'll be a cowboy,
you be an Indian.
JELLINECK: How come you
always get the upper hand?
Fine, then you
think of something.
Prison guard and you could
be a death row inmate.
Who has the upper hand then?
BOTH:
U-Boat captains!
Jawohl!
We can chase each other
around the murky deep. Yeah!
Then we can fire our missiles!
"Rig for silent running!"
What are you two
doing down here?
Hey, is that how they
heat the whole school?
Yeah, that's the boiler
and this is the, uh
Gauge.
All right, you two.
If you don't mind, the school
day is over. I'd like to lock up.
Hey, and I'd like to go home.
I'll drive.
All right.
Principal.
[KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK]
Oh, baby, mmmm.
Bring your fine
white ass down here.
Watch the pipe, it's hot.
And I don't mean
the heating duct.
Hello!
I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends,
did a lot of time
I was a boozer,
a user, and a loser.
I stole the TV
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
thanks for sneaking away
and secretly meeting me.
Oh, Laird
Look, I better go.
And remember,
this is our little secret.
Oh, and Jerri, could you count
to 20 or so before you leave?
Thanks.
[KNOCKING]
Little help!
L-Little help!
[KNOCKING]
Little help.
Jerri, what are you doing
in Laird's locker?
Wouldn't you like to know?
I can't believe
you missed Noblet's class again.
We had a pop quiz.
Did we?
Are you up to something
with Laird?
I don't kiss and tell,
well I do,
but let's just say that
the person with whom
I was engaged in
a major lip lock with
will remain Lairdless.
You and Laird?
Laird, the hottest,
most popular guy in school?
That's right, Tammala.
Right now it's all
pretty hush-hush.
We're playing this
little romantic game,
where he pretends
I don't even exist.
But I'm sure we're gonna
go public with it real soon.
But you're going to the Fall
Make-Out Festival together, right?
Well he hasn't asked me yet,
but, uh, I'm sure he will.
I'm so happy for you, Jerri!
Even though it seems pretty
likely you're gonna be badly hurt.
Not this time, nuttage.
Because I'm blindly in love,
and mindlessly
following my whims,
as well as putting all
my emotional eggs
in one fragile basket.
Just be careful.
I am!
Oh Tammi, I gotta go!
Laird wants me to hide in the
trunk of his car during lunch!
Is he gonna meet you there?
I don't know, who cares,
I'm in love!
Wheeee!
Wheeee!
So that's it, I'm out of a job.
I don't believe it, Stew,
there must be plenty of work
for a meat man of your caliber.
You don't understand, Sara,
the meat market has crashed.
People don't want meat anymore.
We're just gonna have to
accept that for now
I have no savings,
no means to make money
and no desire to do so.
So until I either find a job
or get sick of livin' here,
I'm just gonna hang out.
Maybe you could
check the want-ads.
Goddammit, Sara!
I get enough of that crap
from my wife when I'm at home,
do I have to hear it here too?
Mumsy!
Oh, did you do something
new with your hair?
Stew!
I love my family!
That is gonna stop right now!
"Dear diary,
"I'm sorry for all those hateful,
racist things I said about you.
"Everything has changed,
I'm in love!
"This is no crush!
"I feel like I'm
wildly out of control
"on a toboggan of passion
"sliding down
an icy mountain of Laird
"headed towards a giant
oak tree of denial!
"I've never been so happy!
"Something you would
never understand,
"you dirty, dirty Jew diary.
"Kidding, just kidding!
Jerri Blank."
[SNORING]
Now I can kill too, Chino.
Because now I have hate!
Is there a boo-let left
in this gun for me?
Or for joo?
Or for joo?
[SOBBING]
It's okay, you can applaud.
Okay!
What do you think Shakespeare
was trying to say here
at the end of "West Side Story"?
Anybody?
Jerri?
Yes, sir?
Jerri, where is
what's left of your mind?
At the end of "West Side Story,"
why do the lovers
strangle each other?
To prove that love
is worth dying for?
No, I think what
Shakespeare was getting at
is that death is
preferable to having
your secret relationship
revealed.
Is that true?
What would I know about
secret relationships, chip?
I'm in a very open, very
married relationship with my wife.
See?
That's her.
Uh, Claire.
Psst.
Picnic in the boiler
room. Five minutes.
Hey, mister,
eyes on your own test!
But we're not taking a test.
I can fix that right now.
Everybody get out
a piece of paper.
Hey, don't get angry with me!
Blame Mr. Nosey-Eyes here.
OK, question #1.
Explain Western history.
Be specific,
support your answer.
[BELL RINGS]
OK, put your pencils down,
hand in your tests.
I'll grade them
on their penmanship.
Jerri, can I talk to you
for a minute?
I'm a little concerned
about your grades lately.
For most of the semester, you've
been holding nice and steady at an
"F".
But lately,
you've been slipping.
You're gonna have to pull
an "A" on the midterm
just to fail.
Is everything okay?
Everything's wonderful!
I don't like the sound of that.
I probably shouldn't
be telling you this,
but, uh, I've been involved
in a secret relationship
Jerri, I don't have time to
listen to your dirty little secrets.
I've gotta get down
to the boiler room
and grade some papers.
With Laird.
Laird!
Watch where you're going,
you stupid bitch!
Meet me at
the secret place in five.
Love.
Hey, Jerri.
Hey, Laird.
What's up?
Nothin' much,
what's up with you?
Nothin', thanks for
meeting me here.
Thanks for askin'.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did you hear about
the make-out party?
Oh yeah.
Hey man, we're hittin'
the crapper, wanna go?
Hell yeah, I'll be there
in a second.
Look, Jerri, I gotta go.
I gotta go take a dump
with my buddies.
That's cool.
Laird, when can we tell
other people about us?
Jerri, we can't tell any of
the guys about this secret.
But why Lairdiles?
I don't know, it's just
You know, hangin' out
with the guys is cool,
and, you know, havin'
a girlfriend is so gay.
Look, I better go.
I don't want those guys
to start without me.
Okay.
I'll catch you later.
Hey, Jerri, what are you doing?
Oh, Laird says it tickles him,
or repulses him or something.
How are things going
with you two? Great!
I'm meeting him later
in this hole he dug for me.
I can't believe he still wants to
keep this relationship a secret.
That's wrong, Jerri!
It's disrespectful.
You need to start
respecting yourself!
Look, Jerri.
I'm dating Mr. Gwinnette,
the science teacher,
and he's doing the right thing
by keeping it very open.
Don't let Laird
get away with this!
I'll see you later.
Hey.
Hey.
Stew, who
who are these children?
It's Chuck and Patty,
they're my kids.
I thought while
I wasn't working,
they could sort of
live here for a while.
I don't know if I can
support two more children.
This is what love
is all about, Sara!
Why can't you understand that?
My wife does!
Hey, Stew, you seen my mother?
Which one, your real one,
your dead one,
or the one I have sex with?
Mmm, sex with.
I can tell you where she's not!
Makin' dinner
for me and my kids!
Nice chat, Stew.
[GLASS BREAKING]
I don't know what to do.
Hmm, what an odd situation,
that you my mother figure
might need the insight
of her only fake daughter.
Luckily for you,
I got nothin' to say.
You know, Jerri, it's just that
when Stew takes advantage of me,
I feel like I'm being
taken advantage of!
Because it seems like it
would give me the upper hand,
I'm going to help you.
Stew is disrespecting you.
You need to start respecting
yourself, stand up for yourself.
Where have I heard
those words today?
Hmm.
The point is,
I have the upper hand.
You're right, Jerri,
and thank you.
I need to take some action.
I want you to move out
to make room for Stew's kids.
What?
Hey, you going to
the school make-out party?
You kidding me?
I wouldn't miss it.
Oh.
Oh, this air shaft's so cozy.
Speakin' of shafts,
you going to the make-out party?
Oh yeah, I'm gonna check it out.
Bet there's gonna be
a lot of people there.
Gosh, I'm not doin'
anything tonight.
Wait a minute, I've got an idea!
You wanna make-out?
Sure!
How 'bout tonight?
Ah, I can't.
Goin' to a make-out party.
Listen, Jerri, I gotta go.
I'll catch you on the flip side.
Good, now isolate each
of the vital organs
and the neural ganglia.
Hey, hey, hey, mister!
That fetal pig gave its life
so you could learn something!
Show a little respect!
Hey, honey, let me
show you something.
I
Heart
You!
Oh, Mr. Gwinnette!
EVERYONE:
Awwww!
Now, the chambers of the heart,
or ventricles,
can be divided by two, twice
So, what's happening with Laird?
Is he gonna go public
with you guys?
I'll have you know
that Laird invited me
to the make-out party tonight.
Jerri, that's great!
Mr. Gwinnette and I
will see you there.
Oh you would've, but I got
somethin' better to do.
What?
Oh, I'm uh
I'm getting
a colonic.
Yeah, getting some soapy water
pumped up the old chute.
You know, get
rid of the black tar
that's been buildin' up
in the old pipes.
Good times!
Come on Jerri,
blow that off and come.
Let everyone see
that you're a couple.
Okay, I will!
Hey, Blank, who you taking
to the make-out party?
Is it human?
I'll have you know
that I'm making-out
with someone real regular!
Who?
Laaarrnyah-nyah-nyah
Who?
I can't tell you.
Right, because he doesn't exist.
[WHISPERING]
Laird!
[WHISPERING]
Laird!
[WHISPERING]
Laird!
Meet me in the science lab
after 6th period.
Bring a disguise!
Stew, I think we need to talk.
That's it!
Look, why don't
you find yourself
another unemployed married man
with two children to support,
because I am out of here!
Stew, that's not what I
Stew!
Stew!
Hello, hello,
Mr. Cow?
You have got the cow pox
and I am Louis Pasteur
and I have come
to inoculate you!
You gotta catch me first!
Oh, Mr. Cow,
you come back here!
You naughty little cow!
Well, is this my Bunsen burner?
I was looking for this.
Laird, what am I doing here,
shouldn't I be in class?
I don't know.
Well, I'm gonna
find out, mister!
Jerri?
Look, Laird.
Look, I'm all for anonymous sex,
don't get me wrong.
I couldn't possibly count the number of
steam pipes I've been hiked up against,
but, oh, it's very difficult
for me to say
This better not be you wanna
go to that make-out party.
Of course not.
Laird, I wanna go
to that make-out party!
Look, I love you!
And I want everybody
to see us together
so I can exploit the situation
before you come to your senses!
Look, Jerri, I'm feelin' a lot of
pressure from you right now.
We had a great one-sided
relationship goin' on,
I don't know why
you'd wanna ruin it.
I'm not tryin' to ruin it,
I wanna make it better.
Maybe we should stop pretending
not to see each other,
and start really not
seeing each other!
Laird!
Zarlox?
I shouldn't.
Maybe for later.
Laird left me!
Stew left me!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
That's terrible!
That's terrible!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Who's Laird?
Laird's my secret boyfriend
he was the fire of my loins.
I wanted to make our love public
and he left me.
Oh, I understand.
You understand why I'm so upset?
No, I understand why
someone would leave you.
Well, Stew left you
and Laird left me,
so I guess we're
in the same boat.
Oh, I prayed this day
would never come.
That he would leave you?
That we would have
something in common.
I guess you and I have
had some bad times together.
Oh yeah, but we've had
some horrible times, too.
You know what
you and I need, Jerri?
We need something to
take our minds off
of our failed relationships.
I know where there's
a make-out party.
I'm in.
Let's go!
Let's go!
[GROANING AND SUCKING]
Welcome, ladies,
to the semi-annual
Flatpoint Fall
Make-Out Carnivale.
Can I get you a couch?
Actually, we're just
here to browse.
Hmm, maybe you care to
partner-up.
I happen to know plenty
of mature eligible me-s.
That's a very kind offer,
Principal,
but I strongly oppose
racial "co-mingling".
I'm with you 100%,
except, of course,
for my uncontrollable desire
for middle-aged white women.
Enjoy yourselves.
Good turn out!
Mmph, a lot of
tongue-lashing goin' on.
You know I I think maybe
I pushed him too hard.
I think I'll give Stew a call.
Don't do it!
Respect yourself,
make him come to you.
There's Laird,
I'm gonna go to him!
Oh God!
Stew, I can't believe
you found me here!
Neither can I,
what are you doin' here?
Oh I just came to wallow in
other people's happiness.
What are you doing here?
I just came to make-out
with somebody.
Why can't that somebody be me?
I don't see why not.
But first, there's somethin'
I wanna say to you, Sara.
I've been a fool, it's somethin' I
should have said a long time ago.
Here goes
I'm willing to come back to you,
as long as nothing changes.
Stew!
Geoffrey!
[WHISTLES]
Uh-huh, Geoffrey!
Geoffrey!
Psst, Laird!
Laird, psst!
Laird!
Laird, I'll make this quick,
so you can get
back to your pals.
This isn't easy for me to say,
but unless we make our love
public, tonight, right now,
I'm gonna have to keep doing
exactly what I've been doing
and keep our love a secret.
And I mean it!
Sounds good to me.
But I thought you were
angry at me and everything.
What about your self-respect?
I've recently learned
something about self-respect.
I don't have any.
Hey, Jerri.
Wanna make out?
Oh Laird!
Hide in the dumpster,
I'll be out later.
I'll be there!
Mmph!
Hi Jerri, did you keep
your self-respect?
No, what about you?
Nope.
But you know what we have
that's a lot more important?
We both have someone
to make out with!
Where are you headed?
I'm meeting Laird
in the dumpster!