Taskmaster (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

1
Hello! I'm Greg Davies and
this is Taskmaster.
We're nearing the end
of the series,
and before long we'll find out
who's going home with this.
The most sought-after trophy
in television.
Imagine the delight as they
wake up each morning
with this face next
to theirs in bed.
Because that's definitely where
they'll be keeping it.
Let's meet our five contenders
now. They are
Al Murray!
Dave Gorman!
Paul Chowdhry!
Rob Beckett!
Sara Pascoe!
And next to me,
statistically speaking,
- it's Alex Horne.
- Mm-hm.
- Is it? Is it Alex Horne?
- It is.
I am Alex Horne. I am
officially
the deputy Taskmaster.
So if you get ill
or weak, or lost, I become
the Taskmaster.
Or else it says we might
get David Walliams.
Really?
OK, we usually start the show
with the prize task,
and today?
Oh, yeah, we're gonna start
the show with the prize task.
Today you've asked the
people, these five,
to bring in their
shiniest thing.
So whoever brings in
the shiniest thing,
that you judge to
be the shiniest,
will win the first maximum
points of the show.
Whoever wins the whole
episode will go home
with five shiny things.
- Wow.
- Yes.
Everyone's into shiny
things, right?
Right.
- Sara?
- Yes?
What shiny thing have you brought
in and why should it win?
Oh, I have brought in the
shiniest thing of all,
which is the single
Shine by Take That.
Every kind of meaning of the word
"shine" is encapsulated,
plus it's one of the best
songs ever written,
I think we all agree.
Or don't we?
It seems to me your relationship with
Take That is fairly complicated.
When Take That were first together,
I really loved them,
and then they broke up and
I didn't kill myself,
I just carried on going.
And I'm glad that I did because
then they got back together.
And then we found out that
three of the four
didn't actually pay tax,
which I'm very against,
- so it's complicated.
- It is.
But I think if I love them
enough, they'll change.
For the better.
Uh, Rob, what have you brought in?
Well, I've brought in something
quite close to my heart.
- Yeah?
- I'm a big football fan
and I've brought in my
almost 99% completed
sticker album from the World Cup.
Look at all those
shinies in there.
The difficult thing for me is, Rob,
it brings back pretty awful
memories from the 80s,
'cause I despise football, and I
So not a great pick then, was it?
I got a Panini sticker
just to try and fit in.
Paul, what have you brought?
I've brought in my shiny balls.
Of course he did.
I mean, what do you use them for?
Just playing with them, innit?
OK.
It's good for your joints
and your movements.
Yeah, they're also called
Chinese exercise balls,
Chinese medicine balls or
Chinese healthy balls.
Those are the official names.
That is genuinely the
official name.
Is it like a stress-release thing?
- It is, Sara, yeah.
- Oh, OK.
Al Murray?
Um, I've brought in a torch.
Is it a nice torch?
I haven't seen it.
- It doesn't work, does it, Al?
- What?
No, it turns out it doesn't work.
What do you mean?
Don't offload all your crap
on this show, mate!
What's really good about it is,
if it worked,
it could be used to test
how shiny our objects are,
- which are actually shiny.
- If it worked!
If it worked, it would be useful.
To be fair, yours doesn't work
without a CD player.
- Hang on
- Your CD.
Well, hang on, mate.
I can't look at your stickers
if someone plucks my eyes out.
Fair point!
Doesn't that make 'em
all null and void?
No, my balls are fine.
- Pop 'em in your eyes.
- Pop 'em in instead.
I'll look like a Doctor Who monster.
It'll be wicked.
You already do.
Welcome to last place.
I hadn't finished saying, "One of the
nice monsters that everyone loves."
Too late.
So, we don't need to
see what Dave's is.
Come on, Dave. What's yours?
I've brought in a cycling jacket
made of what I think
science has proven to be the most
reflective surface on Earth,
so it's very, very shiny.
It also has a little
light in the back,
so it actually creates
its own light also.
So it's doing what
the torch does
and what these other
objects do, combined.
- It's not cool.
- You can't stick it in a book, mate.
- And it's not called Shine.
- You actually can.
Can you?
Yeah, if you open the pages of a book,
you put the jacket in, you close the
You can literally do that.
You're gonna be telling me next,
with enough encouragement,
it can sing a song and avoid tax.
OK, well thanks for
your shiny objects.
Here comes my judgment.
Strap yourselves in.
Al's broken torch last.
- Really?
- It's broken.
Yeah. Number four.
I'm really sorry, Rob
It's your shiny stickers,
but that's 'cause of my past.
It's not fair, but that's
what's happening.
Three, Dave's high-vis jacket.
It's just boring.
Number two, Take That.
You know, they would've
been number one,
if they'd stop avoiding tax.
Stop it. Pay your tax.
You'd have been number one!
Number one, it's Paul's
Chinese handballs!
What's next?
Uh, we're gonna have
some fun undressing.
- Ready?
- Yep.
- Here we go.
- Oooh.
Oh, that's good, innit?
That's a good one.
"Spread your clothes as far
and wide as possible
at your own expense."
"Your must discard four
items of clothing
that you're currently wearing."
"Farthest and widest wins."
"You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now."
Four items.
So, what, I just dump me clothes?
Well, it says "discard",
but whatever.
"As far and wide."
So they've gotta go in
opposite directions.
Yeah, I mean, essentially I wanted to
mark my territory with your clothes.
We're looking for an enormous shape
with four corners made of clothes
and they've got the whole
of London to play with.
All of London, they could use.
Well, they only had half an hour,
but we did film this in London.
Any part of London. Good.
Let's see how Paul got on. Ready?
As far and as wide as possible?
Yes, please.
So we'll start with one sock here.
Shall I put the other one
in the other corner?
Alright, and the other
one's over there.
If we can get that
plane to take off
I can get it even further.
Pretty far, innit?
Far and as wide as
possible, that was.
You know that if you throw
a sock over a fence,
it's still just the other
side of the fence?
You didn't see where it landed.
- What, the sock?
- Yeah, I chucked it over the fence.
Unless you did some sort of
martial arts throw
I mean, it's just the other
side of the fence.
Yeah, but when you
twist your hand
it gives it a spin, and it
It's probably still travelling now.
What did you think were the
chances of that plane
flying with your fucking
sock wrapped round it?
Pretty high.
- High?
- I was when I tried it.
I thought if I put
the sock on it
I put it in the place where
it could've still flown.
So when you see all those
nerds at weekends,
at flying club,
putting their models
and getting them
absolutely perfect,
the last thing they always do
is stick a sock on it.
OK, so we're going to the break.
I just want to say a
quick thank you to Paul
for being extraordinary.
In fact, to express
this gratitude
we've set Paul his
own special task.
- What?
- See you after the break.
"Have the most fun on this
bouncy castle."
"You have one hour."
One hour?!
"Your time starts now."
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
and thank you, Paul.
Alex, what was
happening before the break?
Well, clothes
Clothes were being shed left, right,
and in Paul's case, centre.
Happy with Paul?
Are you joking? I fucking love him.
Who's next?
Well, we're gonna have a
look at Sara and Dave,
and see if they left the house.
Come on, then.
Come on, Alex! We can do better!
One magpie.
I'm gonna put this bit of
wood inside my sock,
so that it goes out to the
middle of the river.
Yes?
And then we can watch it drift away.
That's it.
Yeah.
There she goes.
If I gave you a sock to
put in your pocket,
would you take it with you
to the end of your journey?
Can do.
And whereabouts is the
end of your journey?
East Sheen.
I appreciate your help.
Thank you.
Godspeed. Thanks, mate.
Thank you.
How are we doing time-wise?
Halfway.
Oh, great, there's no
barriers. Right.
I might as well walk this way
for a little bit, then.
There's no bus coming.
It's the other platform,
it's the other platform!
It's coming in! Oh, no!
Not for the first time,
Sara Pascoe,
your response to a task
is just to run. Run fast.
I take everything very literally.
My favourite bit of the
whole tape was, uh
I don't know what it meant,
the "Yeah!" that you did
after you'd put a piece
of wood in your sock
and chucked it in the Thames.
- What d'you mean?
- You went, "Yeah!"
Like, "Yeah!"
I felt really great about it.
I felt like that's what our
ancestors would have done
if they needed something
to go really far away.
But you went in an exact
straight line for 1.6 miles.
So we are trying to look
for an area, but it's
Am I being stupid here?
Are you saying that Sara ran
with her sock down the Thames?
I mean, sort of ran
It was going slower than Sara,
but it was bobbing along.
But it's probably still
going out to sea now,
which is the important
thing for this task.
Even though you had
a time limit,
you think you've taken
the moral victory.
Oh! Ooh
So it doesn't matter how
far the sock went.
I've just got what we were
supposed to be doing.
Oh, I understand it now!
I've got it!
I should've put a sock
over a plane.
- Now it makes sense.
- Exactly.
Well, that sort of explains
your Forrest Gump
reaction to tasks now.
Dave, you used some
clothes mules.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got a bus, then
got off the bus,
leaving a sock there,
so that travelled.
Yeah, lovely.
All makes perfect sense.
You got a round of applause
when you got on a bus.
Using public transport,
very impressive.
None of this quite
explains why you
took a knife to one
of your shirts.
Because
we were doing four
items of clothing
and I split one of
my four in two.
So that they could go in
opposite directions,
so I had five nodes to play
with instead of four
to give me further breadth.
It's not an item of clothing,
half a shirt.
Unless you're howling mad.
No, but if one half
of a shirt is here
and one half of a
shirt is there
- You're naked.
- that shirt is spread.
It's a broken shirt, so
It's no longer an
item of clothing.
It's like when David Banner
turns into the Hulk.
- It's exactly like that.
- He can't put the Hulk's shirt back on.
'Cause they're two pieces
of a shirt, you can't
Well, I would say that
shirt has been spread,
and I think their
reaction to hearing it
says that they agree with me
that that shirt has been spread.
What a shame they have no power.
You did use the word
Did you use the word "nodes"?
Yeah, I did.
You did use "nodes" and that
almost got me back onside.
Dave Gorman's in the lead.
Next up, Rob and Al, and we've
grouped them together
because they did similar
things. Here we go.
You've got your van?
I've got my van.
Shall we go for a drive?
Request taxi.
So, two of you go
One with the jacket, one with the hat.
Right? And then we'll do the
similar in another direction.
When I figure out how to
order a second taxi.
It's the "and wide"
that's the problem.
You've got 28 minutes
and 15 seconds left.
OK, let's go! Left
out of here, mate.
OK.
Here he comes.
- Good luck.
- Thanks, Al.
Fly like the wind. Right.
OK.
Ugh, I don't know this area.
You for hire?
Ha-ha!
So towards Richmond or
towards the south-west?
Toward Richmond, please.
First exit.
Just over there on the right
by that Fiat, please.
Yeah.
Thank you.
So
So just drop it out the window?
If you want, yeah.
Discarded, isn't it?
Right.
OK.
Socks gone?
Socks are gone!
Ooh!
A bit of my bum came out then.
If we could stop in 30 seconds,
that would be brilliant.
Five, four, three, two, one
Trousers gone, are they?
Yeah, no trousers any more, mate.
Just me in my pants.
I mean, you are the
naughtiest boy.
You know, I'd always been
warned of getting into
a van with a man with a beard
with no trousers on,
but it was great.
We had such fun,
didn't we, Alex?
- We had a lot of fun.
- Hope you're listening, kids!
Al throwing cash at the problem.
Yeah.
There were three different
vehicles involved.
My taxi cost 60 quid,
which, you know,
you could buy a sofa.
I'm selling a sofa at the moment.
Sixty pounds.
What he did well was
three of the clothes
went in different directions
at the same time.
You paid a man to just walk
- with some clothing.
- Yeah.
- Very impressive.
- You're gonna be at a loss
at the end of this series,
the amount of money you spend
What price glory?
Currently £340.
Have we got some statistics, or what?
Yes, do you want to see?
What I've done, I've
plotted it on a map.
It's my sort of thing.
So, we can see the distances
covered here
We're gonna look at Sara's
first of all, in green.
It's quite narrow,
so it's a total of
0.02 square miles.
Then we've got Dave's in blue
It's more of a shape,
it's 0.3 square miles.
Then in red, we've got Rob's.
2.7 square miles.
Then finally, in purple
nearly finally
in purple, Al Murray,
6.2 square miles.
Ba-ha!
Wait, we're gonna zoom in!
In pink in pink
Paul Chowdhry's clothes
covering 0.0001 square miles.
Pretty much the same as his clothes.
Yeah, chuck it over a fence,
stick it on a plane. Bam.
So, Al Murray was the
winner of the task.
I'd like to see the scoreboard,
Alex. If I could, please.
This is our fifteenth show,
and for the first time ever,
we have joint leaders.
- Whoa!
- Six points each!
That's nice!
- Next task, please, Alex.
- OK.
This one is one of my favourites.
It's a lab-based task.
Oooh.
Ooh.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Mornin'!
Oh Hi there, mate.
I'm Rob. Nice to meet you.
He looks-- Is he your dad?
Are you his dad?
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
"Find out what this gentleman
did for a living."
"You can ask him any question,
but you must whisper at all times."
"The gentleman can only nod
or shake his head."
"The gentleman can only lie."
- Ooh!
- Oh, man.
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts"
"now."
Is everyone getting someone dressed
up as their future self?
- I loved this.
- I loved this one as well.
Rob's instinct was exactly
the same as mine.
I presume that is your dad, is it?
It's not my dad.
He looks nothing like me.
He definitely looks
like him, right?
Who else thought it was Alex's dad?
Nothing like me.
It's not my dad. His name is Hugh.
He's 83 years old.
Same age as Michael Caine,
but we couldn't get Michael Caine
because people know he's an actor,
and also he hates people whispering.
The rule is these guys
had to whisper
Yeah.
and he could only nod
or shake his head.
- And he's your dad.
- He's not my dad.
Terrible timing, but we have
to stop now for a break.
Back soon.
Welcome back.
And, uh, thanks so much
for that, Paul.
Our contestants are playing
for shiny items today,
and the eagerness to win them
is written all over
their little faces.
Alex, can you bring us back
up to speed, please?
Of course I can. So, Hugh,
our octogenarian friend,
is being grilled by the comedians
on what he used to
do for a living.
The rule is you guys had to
whisper, he had to lie
Yeah.
and he could only
nod or shake his head.
- Yeah.
- That's it.
Do you want to start
with Rob and Paul?
- Yes.
- Here we go.
Here we go.
Did you work in
a public sector job?
The government?
The council?
Oh, was you a doctor?
What sort of doctor, Rob?
That's niche! What sort of
doctor? Are you mad?
Did you help people?
You worked in a care home?
Were you a driving instructor?
Are you a doctor?
Were you a doctor?
He's a doctor.
What sort of doctor, Paul?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
You fucking bastard.
I don't know what type
of doctors there are.
Oh, were you a GP?
No, you weren't.
Was you a surgeon?
Oh, brain-- brain doctor?
I don't know any more doctors.
Dentist?
I said, "Are you a doctor?"
and he went "No,"
which means he was.
That's a job.
I don't know what more
you want from me.
Were you a GP?
A doctor of paediatrics?
Like a psychiatrist?
This is unfair. I've
got he was a doctor.
Were you a Dr Pepper?
Dr Dolittle?
OK, I don't know what other
doctors are there.
A surgeon?
Was you a doctor in hearing?
Uh, heart doctor? Brain doctor?
What kind of sort of
doctors are there?
Were you a surgeon?
Were you a nurse?
Did you ever get involved
with the nurses?
Have you got a degree in medicine?
Was you a psychologist?
I might need one.
X-rays?
Are you a bone doctor?
Radiologist?
Are you an ear, nose
and throat surgeon?
Were you a doctor's assistant?
So you gave
the patient something
in the surgery rooms?
Can you mime what you
did as your job?
Anaesthetist?
That was hard work, weren't it?
Anaesthetic doctor?
He's an anaesthetic doctor.
What's that called?
When you put people
into anaesthesia.
Are you saying
anaesthetic doctor?
Er an anaesthesis?
A what?
An anaesthesis.
A what?
Anaesthesis.
Thank you, Paul.
Wow. I'm gonna recreate my
favourite moment from that.
When Rob got his
breakthrough on the NHS.
"Do you work for the NHS?"
"Oooh"
Rob get NHS very early, but then
spent a long time after that
- pinning it down.
- Oh, ages.
You then said things like,
"Captain Birdseye."
"Head of the NHS." It took a while.
I was in there for about two days.
You both seemed very angry
that you had to get
- the type of doctor.
- Well, yeah.
'Cause it said, "What job is it?"
A doctor.
That's your job, isn't it,
if you're a doctor?
He shouldn't have said yes.
The trouble is, yeah,
he is Dr Hugh,
but he's an anaesthetist.
I struggle with that
word as well, Paul.
Could you say it now?
Anaeth-eses-tist.
Yeah, I struggle with it too.
Do you want to know some of the
other things that Paul guessed?
Yes, please.
Yoga instructor, rent boy,
babysitter, hygiene doctor.
Dr Dre. There was quite a few.
Dr Dre!
Look, I didn't know.
I may as well get these
ticked off before we
Rob said the word
"doctor" 49 times.
Paul said the word
"doctor" 63 times.
He made 15 sexual references
and he swore 23 times.
Fifteen sexual references?
Rob took ten minutes and five
seconds to discover the truth.
OK.
Paul, slightly longer,
42 minutes and seven seconds.
Let's take a look
at Sara and Dave.
Here we go.
Medicine?
OK.
Er, was it something you needed
a university education for?
Yes.
Were you a doctor?
No, I'm getting very
confused about what's
Make sure you whisper,
please, Dave.
Did your job begin
with the letter "A"?
Wow, OK. I wasn't expecting
it to go that well.
Er, right. Were you an architect?
Oh, that's the only
job I can think of
that begins with an "A".
Were you a heart surgeon?
Um
Er, were you an archer?
Oh, God. I've really
hamstrung myself
by knowing it begins
with an "A" now.
Did you ever get to go
in an ambulance?
Were you a paramedic?
OK, um
Were you an ambulance driver?
No
A general practitioner?
Did you ever use an
X-ray machine?
Were you a nurse?
I'm in the ballpark, right?
Yeah. You've been in the
ballpark for quite a while.
I know!
Was it medical in any way?
Yes!
Was it-- And it's not
an ambulance driver.
Paediatrician?
OK, um
Were you an anaesthetist?
Get in.
Yeah, amazing. Lucky.
That's a result!
Wow.
Well, I think I've got to
win this one, haven't I?
Surely that's
Four minutes 21, Dave.
Nobody's getting that in
under four minutes 21.
Were you an anaesthetist?
Is that it?
Yeah! That was pretty fast!
Sara seemed very
efficient to me.
Couple of highlights from Sara -
"Did you make babies
in a test tube?"
- It's a doctor!
- Yeah.
And, "Did you specialise in
urinary tract infections?"
Very specific.
I was trying to guess the
different kinds of doctor!
That's an incredibly
specific doctor.
Eight minutes 31, she took.
So it's pretty impressive.
She's into the lead.
But we obviously we heard that
Dave did it in four minutes 21,
so currently in the
lead with one to go.
- That was good.
- It was good.
- It was.
- It was.
Er, Al?
Four minutes 21 to beat.
Four minutes 21 to beat. You ready?
Impossible, innit? Let's go.
Dave thinks so.
Let's see. Here we go.
Not any more, I don't.
Did you do it for
a very long time?
So yeah, you did.
Was it highly skilled?
Yes, it was.
Did it involve working with,
like, machinery?
Yes, it did. OK.
Were you a doctor?
Keep your voice down
a little bit, Al.
Sorry.
Were you a doctor?
Yes?
So were you a GP?
No. Were you a surgeon?
No.
Er, an anaesthetist?
Yes!
Nice to meet you.
Oh, my God!
Unfortunately not whispering at
the beginning of the task,
so null and void.
I'm joking! I'm joking, of course.
Like me. Please like me.
Good. Well, I mean,
amazing performances
nearly all round.
Yeah, I mean, Al was
He was tender, he was
professional.
He said afterwards, he knew
because he had soft hands
when he shook his hands.
- Really?
- Yep.
I could just tell!
He'd not done anything
like manual labour
'cause he had very soft,
delicate hands.
So he must have been an
an anaeth-etist.
I have a cousin who's
an anaeth-anae-No.
Who does this job.
And, er, so I just got
this vibe off him.
Wow.
Properly Derren-Browned it.
Oh, yeah.
D'you wanna know his time?
Nah.
Yeah, yeah, please.
Eight seconds and two minutes.
Tell me how it's affected
the scoreboard.
Well, obviously, they are now
no longer on the same score.
They're all on different scores
and Al Murray is in the lead.
Bam!
Lovely whispering work.
Let's have another task,
Alex, please.
OK, it's a team challenge.
It's a high-tech team task.
Ready? Here we go.
OK.
- Do you wanna read it?
- No, you read it.
OK.
P-51D Mustang.
- Is that a good one?
- Yeah.
"Make the most special effect."
"Make the most special effect."
"You have one hour."
"Your time starts now."
A special effect?
So, we've got green-screen.
Yeah.
If one of us wore
a green outfit
we could fly this
aeroplane across
this amazing landscape
that we put in later.
Well, it's pretty special!
I could try and be King Kong.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
- You can come in really angry.
- I can do a chimp face.
So it's like this horrible monkey
Well, then, we could tell a story.
We could do anything.
We could make us all disappear.
Independence Day.
Big Momma's House?
Pick a film.
Some very interesting team dynamics
straight away, I thought.
Some very sensible suggestions
from Dave and Al,
followed by Paul listing terrible films.
Big Momma's House.
There was three to choose from.
I think you misunderstood
the task, mate.
Special effects, innit?
So why are you saying
Big Momma's House?
The same actor played all
of the characters.
- Martin Lawrence isn't a woman.
- They're not the same people.
It's not different
He's doing all of 'em!
We watched that together.
We didn't have a clue, did we,
- when we watched that?
- No, we didn't!
We thought it was all real.
It's all CG. It's very special.
You need to watch more
foreign films.
Let's have a look at Al, Paul
and Big Momma's House
and David.
OK.
Very good.
I mean, pleased with it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Bit different to Big Momma's House,
but that's as close as
you could get to it.
You'd been sacked by the
end of the film, it seems.
Your character. That's gone.
Yeah, there's a sequel to that
coming out soon, I think.
Can we talk through the
narrative of the film?
I can talk you through it,
'cause I watched it.
What it is
I don't wanna read too much into it,
but at the beginning there's a man
who's got a head, but another
head on top of the head.
One of his heads is
reading the paper
and the other head is Al Murray,
the comedian.
Am I right so far?
Well, I had no idea it was
an autobiographical piece.
And then a ball hits it,
and then
Al Murray's head is in the air,
and you're like,
"Oh, no! I'm really worried
about Al Murray!"
Can I stop you, Sara?
I'll just tell you now,
I don't know whether
people will be going
"Oh, no! I'm worried
about Al Murray!"
because Al Murray's
disembodied head
was smiling throughout.
Also, sometimes, for the viewer
who might get scared too easily,
he occasionally just came
out of the green-screen
so you could see his trousers.
I'd remember what it was
and stop worrying.
- It's all pretend.
- That's special. That's a special effect.
- It's very unusual.
- It's one of our special effects.
Sometimes the word
"special" can mean "bad".
Right, I think this is as good a
time as any to take a quick break.
When we return, we'll see Rob and Sara's
potentially Oscar-winning short film.
Then all five will hit the stage
for the final task of the show.
Bye-bye for now.
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
And thank you, Paul.
So, here we are in the
final part of the show.
There's Al Murray's
broken torch to be won
and a live task to take
place, but first
What were we up to?
Well, we've just seen The Beards'
very incredible special effects movie.
It's just the brother and sister,
Rob and Sara's film to go.
- You ready?
- Yep. Let's see the twins.
Here we go.
Hey, Rob. D'you like my new shoes?
What shoes?
My shoes have disappeared!
No, they haven't!
These aren't mine!
What about these?
I've never seen these
before in my life!
Here you go, then.
Ugh, Rob! This is ridiculous!
Can you just give me back my shoes?
Coming right up.
Oh, phew.
Thank gosh you've stopped
mucking around with shoes.
And I asked you not to
use magic in the house!
We're not in the house!
Rob!
How are you gonna magic
yourself out of a divorce?
I'll find a way.
Nice shoes.
Introducing them as
brother and sister
has taken a sinister
twist, hasn't it?
Shoes were the least
of our worries.
I think regardless of
their relationship,
it's a fairly sinister film.
I'm intrigued. What was your
understanding of it, Al?
What d'you think was
going on there?
Well, they were doing
a thing where
they were making shoes
appear and disappear.
- Correct.
- Yeah.
Is that your review?
Three stars. Out.
But there was also the
emotional story.
This poor woman who has
to live with this guy
who keeps making shoes
appear and disappear,
and then there's the
divorce and then
- there's a new coupling.
- Mm-hm, yeah.
There were some issues
there, wasn't there?
I mean, it was a gay man trapped in
a heterosexual marriage, presumably.
- Er, yes.
- Or just maybe
Hence his obsession with shoes.
Why are we talking about my
private life? We're at work.
I thought he was a very nuanced
character, though, the
The insane, winking, gay magician.
As far as I can work out in
the narrative, though,
you taunted her by repeatedly
changing her footwear.
Yeah, sure.
And then you made her disappear
and you replaced her with a man.
Yes, that is correct.
Why taunt her with the shoes?
Why not just get rid of her
and bring the man in?
'Cause that shoe's too loose.
I don't know what that means.
The character you're playing,
the shoe didn't fit him.
- The shoe didn't fit.
- Yes, that's probably what it would be called!
The shoe didn't fit emotionally.
So really, I should've
been with a man
It's like a reverse Cinderella
story, in a way.
Yeah, it was me going through
my emotional changes of
"What do I want? When do I want it?"
and also, just, what a waste of magic.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, honestly, I preferred
the football one,
until I started getting into
the backstory of those
Poor couple. I mean, what he
must be going through.
So difficult not to be able to
just live in your own skin,
or indeed to be fired into
a different dimension.
Can I do a draw?
No, 'cause it's gotta be
five points split.
Alright, then. I'm gonna give
three to the football team
and two to that team there.
Three, two.
Well done. Good work.
So Alex, where are we
at score-wise now?
Well, it is exciting.
For the first time in the series,
with one task to go,
any of them can still win,
but Al Murray is currently
in the lead with 14.
Right, one of our contestants
is gonna go home safely
in Dave Gorman's high-vis jacket.
To find out who that person is,
we need them all to participate
in one final contest.
Will you please make your
way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Not many props this time.
Sara Pascoe, would you please read the
task to your fellow contestants?
Can I point out that Sara is not
wearing any shoes because Rob winked?
Still got my powers, guys.
There we go, Sara.
Thank you.
"Wearing a blindfold, cover
yourself in sticky notes."
"Sticky notes must be applied
individually."
"The person with the most sticky notes
still sticking to their body
after 100 seconds wins."
- Pretty straightforward.
- Yeah.
It's got "dignity" written all over it.
When you say "body", you've
gotta take your clothes off
- and put them on your body?
- No, mate.
Absolutely not.
Blindfolds on.
So they can't go inside clothes?
- Ah, no! Good question, Rob.
- Thank you.
They must be on the outside
of your clothes.
'Cause I was gonna get a hundred
sticky notes in my pants!
Pew, pew! Sticky notes!
Problem with this is
I can't see anything.
It does make it harder, doesn't it?
OK, blindfolds on. Good luck!
Off they go.
- How's it going, Paul?
- Good, man.
- What's your technique, Paul?
- Just rub 'em on me.
Fifteen seconds left!
- Go on, Al. Stick to the jeans.
- Ten!
Five, four, three, two, one
Stand still!
The counters are coming on.
I feel vulnerable.
Is everyone else standing here
like this or is it just me?
Rob, it's so weird.
Dave, you get extra marks for
your comedy eyelashes.
I'm gonna hold you to that.
The sticky notes
are being counted.
Please join me down here and we'll
find out the final scores.
So there we are, Alex.
Have you got some stats for me?
Have I?
- I dunno.
- Yes. Yes, I do.
So the worst person at sticking
sticky notes to their body
was Paul Chowdhry.
- Really?
- 29, 29 sticky notes.
Then Al with 31.
I'm surprised by that,
because Al was hampered
by an overly expensive jacket.
He did come second last.
Sara in third with 33.
Dave and Rob both in the 40s.
Dave got 40, Rob 45!
Without resorting to ramming
them down your pants.
Didn't have to ram 'em down me pants.
- That's nice, innit?
- Impressive.
So I presume that means you have
the final scores of the show?
I do. I can say that Rob is winning
the series by just two points.
Whoa, series leader!
But the winner of this episode,
a first-time winner.
It's Mr Dave Gorman!
Get in!
Thank you very much.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you very much. I feel good.
Dave Gorman is the winner,
thoroughly deserved.
You may go up and collect
your shiny prizes!
Well, we made it, Alex.
You made it, Greg.
- I did, didn't I?
- Yes, you did.
And what exactly have
we learnt today?
Well, this is what we've learnt.
The next time you get on a plane
and you're experiencing turbulence,
have a look out the window.
There might be a giant sock on it.
But more than anything,
we've learnt that today's
winner is Mr Dave Gorman!
Congratulations to Dave,
commiserations to everyone else.
Thank you. I love you all.
Good night.