Teachers (2016) s03e04 Episode Script

Look at that bump.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- I hope that's decaf.
- It is.
- Looking good, mama-to-be.
But it's time for some maternity clothes.
You don't want to squish the baby.
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.]
Sure don't.
Hey, sorry that took so long, but you know the rules.
I go to the grocery store, I get a treat.
And the lady saw you were pregnant, so I got a free pretzel.
Hey, I noticed you got cat litter.
You should get rid of your cat.
They have parasites in their poo that could eat your baby's brain.
Oh, thanks for the tip, bro.
Wow, people are so helpful when you're pregnant.
Hey, babe, door? [SIGHS.]
Welcome, my dazzling divas.
Are you ladies familiar with Bishop and Boo? It's the world's third-largest direct-sales cosmetics company.
I'd love to get you acquainted.
- Are you ill? - No, I'm broke.
I had to lease my horse, Passing Fancy, to a third grader, and she rides Western, not English.
It's been a nightmare.
So now I'm selling the finest wholesale cosmetics on the market.
And if I move enough product, I get a white Jetta! So who wants a makeover? Chelsea? [SCOFFS.]
I don't buy suburban-housewife makeup.
I wear classy makeup, like MAC.
Cecelia, are you eating a ginger root? Yeah.
I haven't had time to cook lately, and they don't have any vegan options on the cafeteria.
So I just grabbed this on the way out.
It's gross.
Why don't you just flavor trip? - What's that? - It's this hot new trend where you take a pill and it makes disgusting food taste good.
Seriously, you drink vinegar, and it tastes like grape juice.
That's how I got down to a size 0.
And I am a size zero.
- Stop looking at me.
- Oh, I'll have to get some.
- Oh, I've got some.
- Oh, not that one.
That's for something else.
- Good morning, Deb - No, it's not.
I've got insane heartburn from an ice cream and sardine binge, my butthole's pumping more gas than the Alaskan pipeline, and I have Shrek feet.
This pregnancy crap's overwhelming.
Why don't you join a mommy group? That way, you can share your frustrations with other women who are going through the same thing.
Maybe, as long as they don't call me a mommy.
Might I suggest making a good impression on your new friends with some "Won't Fade With The Day" eyeliner in emerald mist? Get a life.
Sorry, Ian, but when your grades slip, and you bring a honeydew melon from home to throw at your classmates, your mom and dad get called in.
Them's the rules.
- Ms.
Bennigan? - Oh, Mr.
Mund, hi.
- You can call me Lonny.
- It's nice to meet you.
You too.
Hey, bud.
Ian, would you mind stepping out for a sec so we can have a grown-up powwow? - Sure.
- Okay, I love you.
- Please have a seat.
- [GROANS.]
Uh, where's Mrs.
Mund? Oh, probably picking up her human suit from the dry cleaner's so no one knows she's the devil.
I don't know if Ian told you, but we are going through a divorce.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
That probably explains why he's falling behind.
Yeah, the custody dispute has been a total nightmare, thanks to my harpy, Medusa wife.
Sorry.
Why don't we just call her Paula? Sure.
"Paula.
" You see, Ian is adopted, and since it was Paula's initial idea, she's been using that as leverage to try and get full custody.
I wasn't aware he was adopted.
Chechnya.
Lovely people, but what a dump.
The whole place smells like fish.
You know, I have a question for you.
Do you think that Ian needs a tutor? Oh, no, I don't think that's necessary.
And it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate as is.
Tell you what, I'll give Ian a little extra one-on-one attention, and you keep him away from - My garbage wife.
- I was gonna say all the negativity.
Oh, same thing, but sure.
Okay.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
Oh.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
Painting your nails? Me too.
I'm using Bishop and Boo's "No Chip, Look Hip" glossy nail polish in Persian pink.
It lasts up to seven weeks.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
- Ms.
Snap? - Hmm? I can't go down the slide.
It's full.
What? Oh! Hi, Chelsea.
I didn't expect to see you here.
I'm just applying Bishop and Boo's all-natural "Spoil My Body" butter chiffon creme.
It boosts collagen and won't leave my skin feeling oily.
[SCREAMS.]
You are like the freakin' Babadook.
What is wrong with you? I'll tell you what's not wrong with me dry, chapped lips.
Thanks to Bishop and Boo's "Perfectly Plump Pout" lip balm, my lips are as soft as a seal's.
Oh, my God, Caroline.
Give it a rest.
Okay, fine.
I'm sorry I've been such a pest.
I just figured that your face would be the perfect canvas for the product.
I mean, if people saw someone as flawless as you wearing the makeup, it would sell itself.
Well, that makes a lot of sense.
A man who claimed he was a model scout at the mall told me the same thing.
So does that mean I get to give you a Bishop and Boo makeover? - Sure.
- [GASPS.]
But only if you promise to put me on your professional Facebook page and LinkedIn.
LinkedIn is a perfect dating Website.
I can literally search "CEO.
" [ROCK MUSIC.]
So, mommies, we have a new mommy in the group.
Please help me welcome Mrs.
Deborah Adler.
- It's just Deb.
- And I'm just Damien.
I'm the husband.
We're pregnant.
Mm.
Such a special time.
Why don't you tell us all about your birth plan? There isn't really a plan.
I'm just gonna go to the hospital, get drugged up, and blast this baby out.
[GASPS.]
You're not having a natural birth? No, I want all the drugs.
Yeah, not all the drugs, just the safe ones.
Oh, there are no safe ones.
Isn't that right, Siobhan? Yeah, they're all dangerous.
Deborah, this is a judgment-free zone, but your decision is terrible.
Do you want your baby to be born high? I gave birth to all of my children at home in our infinity hot tub.
- They just floated right out.
- It was blissful.
Yeah, I think I'm good with the hospital.
You're wrong! I'm sorry.
Just because you've chosen to harm your child doesn't mean I should be rude.
Okay, I gave it a shot.
Let's go, Damien.
Damien.
Fine, but just know if you get the epidural, you won't feel the orgasmic release of oxytocin as you crown! [DOOR SLAMS.]
She heard me.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Ahh.
Thanks for letting me eat in here.
Caroline banished me from the teacher's lounge.
She said the stench of my food was impeding her sales.
Yeah, I got to say, it's hard to watch you eat this stuff.
Oh, it's delicious.
The horseradish tastes like dessert.
Flavor tripping works.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Ooh, got to go.
Fourth grade lunch is over, and the lunch lady said I could have the leftover tater-tot grease.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Mund.
It's so good to see you.
Why did you tell my shrimp-dick husband to cancel the tutor? What? I didn't.
Uh, you said the tutor was "unnecessary," so that walking dildo canceled Ian's sessions, which I already paid for.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
I [BABBLING MOCKINGLY.]
Stay out of my family's business.
I don't want your opinion unless you're my attorney or Raoul.
You must be Raoul.
Raoul! [ROCK MUSIC.]
As a lactation expert, I highly recommend you join La Leche League.
It's a community that believes the child should decide when breastfeeding ends.
- Totally.
We love that idea.
- Oh, do we? Sorry, but when does the child usually decide to stop? Some breastfeed for as long as 72 months.
- Wow.
That sounds awesome.
- Does it? 'Cause, personally, I don't want to have a six-year-old feasting on my tits.
It is important for a child's psychological health that they decide when to wean.
You don't want them to feel rejected.
I got to say, Deb all the breasts I've been denied in my life, that really had an effect on my self-esteem.
We should think about this.
I'll think about this, because it'll be my nipples being gnawed on until the kid gets their driver's license.
My tits, my choice! [SIGHS.]
Hey, Deb Adler here fully preggers, and giving zero Fs.
You know what I'm sick of? Everyone telling me what to do with my pregnancy.
Mommy groups, lactation coaches, blogs, books, magazines, bowling alley attendants.
It's endless.
But just so all of you people who've given me advice know you've been heard, I'm gonna respond to each and every one of you.
[BLEEP.]
you.
[BLEEP.]
you.
Go [BLEEP.]
yourself.
Get [BLEEP.]
.
And, Randy, [BLEEP.]
you.
You wear a back brace when you bowl, you [BLEEP.]
asshole.
All you mothers-to-be out there, you do you.
Be the rock stars you are and tell everybody else to #LeggoMyPreggo.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
And upload.
This foundation feels - thick.
- It is.
The matte liquid fills in the deep creases.
[GASPS.]
I mean fine lines.
Very fine.
And to complete the Bishop and Boo new you, you can be the first to try our just released "Aubergine Lengthen and Strengthen" eyelash lengthener with natural peptides to give you longer, fuller lashes.
I don't want to brag, but at the Romanian Cosmetics Expo, we totally handed Latisse their ass on a plate.
So it makes your eyelashes longer, and I won't have to recycle my falsies every other week? - I'll buy one.
- Wonderful.
That'll be a one-time payment of just $45.
99.
- For mascara? - It has peptides, Chelsea.
Peptides.
Fine.
You see how easy that was? That mascara only cost $4 wholesale.
Wait.
You just flat out ripped me off? No, I sold you a product at a retail markup price.
You should consider selling Bishop and Boo.
If you sell enough in a year, you get a white Jetta.
And if you recruit new brand ambassadors, you get a cut of every sale they make, too.
I could use some extra cash for my nose job.
Deviated septum procedure which I desperately need in order to breathe.
You know what? I'm in.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
I will have that white Jetta.
I will.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Now, I know this is none of my business, but Paula stopped by earlier Did she bring Raoul? - Um - It's okay.
You can tell me.
I won't get mad.
- Yes, Raoul was here.
- Damn it! What did he look like? [LOUDER.]
What did he look like? - Swarthy.
- Like what? Like a sexy pirate? Admit it, he looked like a sexy pirate! I think he's just feeling a little insecure about Raoul.
He went to strip clubs having "business lunches" while I stayed home taking care of our child.
Oh, but now I'm not allowed sexual fulfillment for the first time in my adult life? Who's side are you on? Listen, I was up for trying new things, but if the only way that she can be "sexually fulfilled" is to put her fist up my my you-know-what, well, that is on her.
Stop putting me in the middle! I just want you guys to get along! I don't want to have two separate parent/teacher conferences! - Deb, we saw your video.
- I carry a knife in my boot.
Oh, no, no, it was amazing.
It was so real, so raw, so exposed.
You said what we all feel.
You have 40,000 views.
- For real? - Yeah.
We are so tired of Honour and all of her judgmental earth mama baloney.
Yeah, she's pretty dogmatic.
[GASPS.]
You should start your own mommy group.
- [GASPS.]
- We'd join.
Oh, my God, please.
- We hate Honour.
- Mm.
She makes us stick essential oils up our vaginas.
- And she checks.
- Oh.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Guess what.
I already recruited two new brand ambassadors.
- Wow.
That's amazing.
- Ms.
Snap, it worked.
All the homely girls are buying the makeup, just like you said they would.
We even sold some cellulite cream to a fat boy.
Excellent.
Fun fact transfer students are always hard up for friends.
They'll do anything to fit in.
So make sure to sell them the big-ticket items.
Okay? Chelsea, you're having children prey on each other's insecurities to sell makeup? Oh, but Jennifer Aniston can make me hate myself enough to buy fancy water? It's called sales, Caroline.
Oh, my God.
Is Cecelia eating a leaf? Mmm.
Okay, listen, you two babies.
I'm laying down the law.
I'm tired of your inability to communicate like adults.
This isn't about winning or who's right or who's wrong.
It's about Ian, your son.
Remember him? Now get it together.
You assholes! Did you just call us assholes? That was highly inappropriate.
- Are you okay? - I-I don't know.
- Are you okay? - No, I am shaken.
Oh.
How dare you call my husband an asshole? He yelled at me today.
Well, I'm sorry if my husband got passionate about his son's well-being.
Why are you defending him? You called him a [SOFTLY.]
Shrimp penis.
Well, if she said that, and I highly doubt she did - I didn't.
- She did so in the sanctity of a parent-teacher conference.
That's right.
I am so sick of you being attacked like this.
Come on, let's go.
Yeah, we're leaving.
Oh, and for your information, this man tried to take a fist for me.
- Like a boss.
- Like a boss.
This isn't your mother's mommy group.
Nobody's gonna tell us what to do, right? - ALL: Right! - We make our own rules! - Right? - ALL: Right! Leggo My Preggo! ALL: Leggo My Preggo! [ALL YELLING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, I was going to Mommies 4 Mommies.
- I told you I quit that.
- Yeah, I know.
I was just, uh, gonna gonna go alone.
- Are you kidding me? - I need support, too, Deb.
You're not the only one who's pregnant here.
Yes, I am.
You just like to wear elastic stretch pants.
Please don't take this the wrong way.
- Oh, here we go.
- I just feel like you're not willing to listen to anyone.
I mean, you dismiss everybody's advice out of hand.
We've never done this before.
Maybe it will be better for the baby - if you didn't get the epidural.
- Oh-ho-ho.
This is my pregnancy, and I don't want any of that.
Yeah, it's your pregnancy, but it's our baby.
I-I just want to consider all the options.
Great, go consider them.
And while you're hanging out with all of the perfect moms, tell Honour I looked her up on Facebook, and of course her real name is Ruth.
Of course it is! [GASPS.]
Cecelia, I see you tried Bishop and Boo's Perfectly Kissable lipstick.
Oh.
- You got a little on your teeth.
- Uh-huh.
It's delicious.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Mmm.
Mmm.
That'll be $29.
95.
You made my parents get back together.
- Aren't you happy? - No.
If they're back together, they'll fight all the time.
I bet they'd get along just fine if it wasn't for me.
Oh, honey, that's a very common thing for children to think when they're parents are getting divorced, but that's not true.
They love you very much.
Then why were they always arguing about me? They were arguing about getting to spend time with you.
- Really? - Absolutely.
I guess they really do love me.
Of course they do.
They flew all the way to Chechnya to adopt you.
I'm adopted? Ooh.
- You told him he was adopted? - You told her he was adopted? I'm so sorry.
If I had known it was a secret, I wouldn't have said anything.
We were waiting to tell him after his bar mitzvah.
I told you that that would be way too late.
If we waited that long, he would have figured out why he doesn't look Jewish.
Oh, my God, that is so offensive, Lonny.
You know what? This is over.
And I mean it this time.
- Oh, fine by me.
- Great.
Well, let's go tell Ian we're getting divorced again.
- Terrific.
- Fine.
I am so sick of you and your anti-Semitic comments.
Oh, you have no room to talk with the amount of Mexican jokes you tell.
Margot, how many sales did you make today? Zero.
No one will buy anything since the mascara recall.
[SCREAMS.]
Margot? Margot, come back here.
What recall? Hey, Damien, how was your meeting with Ruth? Ignore her.
Oh, of course she's telling you what to do.
Grow some balls.
Hey, wanting the best for our baby does not mean I don't have balls, Deb.
Yes, we saw your foul-mouthed video, Deborah.
Don't be surprised if your baby's first word is the f-bomb.
I pity your child.
Not everyone wants to crap their baby out on the top of a mountain like "The Lion King.
" Oh, well, of course you would think that, Siobhan, since everyone here knows your emergency C-section was planned weeks in advance.
- Eat me! - Okay, everybody calm down.
Oh, shut up, Deborah! Why don't you do us all a favor and get your tubes tied so you don't bring another drug addict into this world, who will probably grow up and become a serial killer because you find breastfeeding inconvenient? Hey, that's our kid you're talking about.
It is not your kid! It's Deb's! Relax.
It's his kid, too.
If you admit that, then he will try to tell you what to do! Okay, this is straight up bonkers.
I'm dissolving Leggo My Preggo.
[ALL GASP.]
I got to bounce.
I'm starving.
I'll join you.
I'm sorry, Ruth.
I got to quit.
My name is Honour! Aah! [ALL YELLING.]
Hi, ladies.
I've got fading cream, you've got stretch marks.
Let's do business! - Caroline.
- Aah! Your janky mascara gave me Robert Durst eyes.
I'm sorry! I didn't know about the recall! Besides, it's not that bad.
Then why aren't you looking at me? [WHIMPERING.]
- Look at me! - I can't.
I'm afraid of sharks.
I am gonna tell everyone about your Bishop and Bullshit! You are never gonna get a Jetta! No! [SOFT MUSIC.]
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry I got all up in your pregnancy.
That's okay.
You should be involved.
And we'll figure this stuff out together.
We both want the same thing for our baby to flourish in a nurturing and enriching environment.
Totally.
[MENACING MUSIC.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]