Ted Lasso (2020) s03e04 Episode Script

1
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[RINGING CONTINUES]
[KNOCKING]
[RINGING CONTINUES]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
- Fucking hell. [GRUNTS]
- [WATCH BEEPS]
All right, let's go.
It's 4:00 a.m.
Yeah. We start at 4:00 a.m.
I thought you were joking.
How is that a joke?
'Cause it's 4:00 a.m.
We start at 4:00, so you can do
three workouts a day instead of two.
[SIGHS] Okay, but it's 4:00 a.m.
Do you wanna be better than Zava or not?
[SIGHS] Well, how are we
gonna see? It's dark out.
Fucking hell.
Now get dressed. Or I
start flicking your balls.
This is perverse.
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES] Whoops.
[SIGHS] There you go.
[GRUNTS]
Good morning, Sassy Smurf.
- Good morning, Marlboro Man.
- [CHUCKLES]
You know, you snored all night.
Hmm. I'm sorry about that. [SIGHS]
That's all right. It's
actually very soothing.
Sounded like the sea.
Well, I'm glad you didn't
hear any boat horns,
given all the fried
yams I ate last night.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh.
Hey, I was thinking. We have
a good time together, yeah?
They're called simultaneous
orgasms, Ted, yes.
Yeah, well, but I mean
also all the talking and
laughing and all that stuff. Yeah?
Sure. Well, apart from
all your dreadful puns.
Right. Well, it's tough.
Sometimes I just see 'em there,
and I gotta take a
swing at 'em, you know?
No, I Well, what
I'm getting at is, um
Well, I was just thinking
maybe [INHALES DEEPLY]
we could go on an
actual date sometime.
You know? You and me,
together. [CHUCKLES]
God, no.
Well, I appreciate you taking
the time to consider it.
Ted, we can't date.
Why not?
- You're a mess.
- I'm a mess?
Course you are.
I'm a mess too, but I'm a mess
three years further on than you,
so I'm more of a slight disarray.
More like a slight disarray
of sunshine, if you ask me.
Oh, God.
- Sorry.
- Ted, on the day my ex got remarried,
I drank a bottle of
red wine through a straw
and told my Uber driver
I was in love with him.
Then, when he dropped
me home, I puked so much,
my mouth was like an elevator
from the goddamn Shining.
Knocked my rating down to a 3.9.
3.9? Ooh.
Fuck you. Why? What's yours?
Oh, God, you're a five, aren't you?
Course you're a five. How
the fuck are you a five?
I don't know. I'm tidy. I
say "Please" and "Thank you."
Sometimes I offer to
drive if they look tired.
Oh, you are such a mess.
[SIGHS]
Ted, I like our status.
Friends with benefits, like
Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher.
Oh, no, no, no. I think
you're thinking of 2011's other
good-friends-turned-casual-lovers
based rom-com.
No Strings Attached.
Friends with Benefits was Mila
Kunis and Justin Timberlake.
Oh, wow. 2011, friends be fuckin'.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
So, let's keep things
2011. Cool and breezy.
- Like an Arab Spring.
- [CHUCKLES] Mmm.
[KISSES] And good luck
against West Ham this weekend.
- Mmm.
- Fuck Rupert
and that shriveled
raisin-pouch he calls a nutsack.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Hello! Here for Flo?
- You can jump in, love.
- Lovely, thank you.
Ooh, this is nice.
Gray seats? Yes, please.
[RADIO PRESENTER] West Ham.
This is the real opportunity
for the Wonder Kid to
become the Wonder Man
[ROY] 101.
- [GRUNTS]
- [ROY] Ninety-nine.
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[GAGS, COUGHS]
Why do you only sleep with a top on?
Because I get cold
upstairs and hot downstairs.
Hmm. I get that.
[RETCHES, GRUNTS]
Mornin'.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[REBECCA] Oh, listen to
what Rupert said in this one.
"I truly look forward to
seeing my old club again.
Richmond are top-class."
Ugh, what a soggy, wet piece of shit.
- Thank you.
- Mmm.
[DOOR OPENS]
Right, I'm off to the training ground.
Thanks again for the opportunity.
Babe, you earned it.
Shandy came up with this
super fun Bantr promo.
It uses all the single
players on the team.
[SHANDY] Yeah.
The anonymous man you're Bantr-ing with
could be a professional footballer.
- Mmm?
- Oh, that's great.
And that's all the
single players, you say?
So, it's, like, Colin and
Dani and Sam, et cetera?
Yeah, although I don't
think Sam's doing it anymore.
- [MOUTHING] No.
- Mmm. So fun.
- [CLEARS THROAT] Um, Ms. Jones.
- Hello, Barbara.
- All right there, Barbs?
- It's "Barbara."
Um, if possible, could I get two tickets
for the Richmond-West Ham match?
Jack might be coming
to London this weekend.
Of course.
Who's Jack?
[CHUCKLES]
- Jack Danvers.
- Mmm?
The head of the VC that
funded your company.
Our boss.
Yes. That Jack. Of course.
- Uh
- That's not a problem, Barbara.
I can let you have
some seats in my suite.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Lovely.
Thank you so much, Rebecca. That's
so kind of you and so efficient.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Keeley.
Thanks, Barbara. [SIGHS]
So, the one thing we cannot do
against West Ham is the False Nine.
- 'Cause that's Nate's shit.
- [COACH BEARD] Exactly.
So, we decided to go
with our classic 4-4-2.
Which is exactly what that
prick expects us to do.
So, we do the opposite. Five
up front. Full-on attack.
But Nate knows we're gonna do that,
because Nate knows that we're trying
to outthink him by thinking like him.
Well, fuck Nate, fuck thinking
and fuck fucking Socrates.
So, we gotta stop thinking
like Nate and start thinking
like Nate would think we would
think if Nate were thinking like us,
and then do the last thing
that Nate thinking like us
thinking like Nate thinking like
us would ever expect us to do.
Have Zava drop back and
play Nate's False Nine.
Voi-fucking-là.
Brilliant.
- Ah, it's mostly Beard's idea.
- Nah, it was a group effort.
I do have one question.
- Of course.
- Who fucking cares?
Do you think Zava'll do it?
Fuck!
- Good mornin'.
- Hey.
- [ROY SIGHS, GROANS]
- Oh. Oh.
- Uh-oh, what's wrong? - Roy
doesn't think we can beat Nate.
- Higgins doesn't think so either!
- [GASPS] Beard said it to me first.
- You throw me under the bus? How dare
- You walked in here this morning
- Oh, you're gonna sell me out?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Y'all pointin' more fingers
than Ganesha givin' directions.
Now look, you fellas need
to calm down and just kiss.
He's right.
Keep it simple, smartypants.
- [GROANS]
- An answer will show up. Don't worry.
But until it does, here's a
question for y'all: Am I a mess?
[STAMMERS] Sassy ended up spending
the night last night and, uh
- [COACH BEARD, HIGGINS] Ooh.
- No, no, no, hush your butts.
That ain't the headline.
Well, I asked her out on
a proper date this morning.
She turned me down cold.
She said I was and I
quote "a mess." [SIGHS]
- Ooh.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sounds like a case for the Diamond Dogs!
Release the hounds. [HOWLING]
Yeah, here we go! Let's do it.
[HOWLING, BARKING]
Fuck's sakes.
[HOWLING, BARKING CONTINUES]
Yes.
- "Yes" what?
- Yes, you're a mess.
Okay. Expound.
We're playing Nate this week,
and you're acting like
it's not a big deal.
Nothing's different. He didn't hurt you.
Hey, look, we ain't talking
about Nate right now.
I'm asking you if you
think I'm a mess. All right?
Higgy pie, what do you think?
I think I don't understand how
you're not pissed off with Nate.
[GROANS]
We have a saying in
Co-Dependents Anonymous.
Y What?
Uh, Jane makes me go with her.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
[SIGHS] Pain is like carbon monoxide.
[SIGHS] Expressing it to the person
who hurt you is like opening a vent,
but holding it in will poison you.
[WHISTLES] I like that.
But Nate didn't hurt me.
Bullshit!
Oh, Roy, did you wanna get in
on this Diamond Dog situation?
- Hey, Roy! [KISSING] Hey, Roy.
- [COACH BEARD] Hey, Roy. Here, Roy.
- [BARKING]
- Here, Roy. Come here, Roy.
La, la, la, la, la!
So, the match of the week is
clearly Richmond and West Ham.
Now, it's been a strong start to
the season for both of these teams,
but I think the Hammers are favorites,
going into the London derby,
based on the tactical acumen of
the Wonder Kid, Nathan Shelley.
- [BOOS]
- [ALL GROAN]
Yeah, Shelley is brilliant,
there's no doubt about that,
but Zava, he is a genius. I like
the Greyhounds for this one.
- [PLAYERS CHEER]
- That's my guy!
No, you can't have him. He's mine.
[PLAYERS CHUCKLE]
- Let's move on, shall we, to Sunday's
- [THIERRY] Hey, look. Guys, guys.
Who cares, right?
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
Now come on, we've got
work to do. Let's go.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- [ZAVA] He is correct.
We must ignore these talking faces.
Even when they are in our favor.
Thank you, "Zorro."
Oh, exactly, but it's, uh It's
actually pronounced, uh, "Zoreaux."
Why?
I don't know. Because that's
how my parents say it, I guess?
My friend, you can be
whoever you want to be.
I let all of my children name themselves
once they reach the age of seven.
That is why my eldest is
called "Smingus Dingus."
- Mmm.
- Dream big, and you may never wake up.
Thank you.
Jesus.
I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but hey, lads, I agree with Zava.
Yes, it's a big fucking game,
but we've just gotta
focus, do what we do,
- do you know what I mean?
- Yeah. He's right.
And don't forget, yeah?
- Believe in "Believe."
- Yes.
- [GASPING] Whoa!
- Whoa! What the
What?
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, shit.
- What?
Oh.
- Why the fuck did you do that?
- I was just checking
if I acquired the ability
to chop things in half.
Yeah, and what if you had?
Sorry, bruv. I didn't think it through.
[STAMMERS]
Fellas. Someone ripped this in half.
What the fuck? What?
[PLAYER] What the fuck?
- [ALL CHATTERING]
- [PLAYER] You're joking.
[PLAYER] What the fuck?
[GREEK MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, hello
Jade.
Nathan.
Shelley.
Lovely to see you again. [CHUCKLES]
Okay.
[SMACKS LIPS] Sorry I've not
been around much. [CHUCKLES]
You haven't?
No. No, I've been, uh, really
busy with, uh with my new job.
Big, big new job just keeping
me [GROANS] very busy.
Sounds silly. Maybe you should
quit your big new busy job.
Anyway, uh, just here
to pick up my takeaway.
I bought lunch for my whole staff.
Apart from the trainers, 'cause
they eat like cows. [CHUCKLES]
Sorry, that sounds, um
No, they're love I
mean, they're lovely people.
They're just vegetarians. [CHUCKLES]
No way.
Look who's here. No
fucking way! [LAUGHS]
Do you know who this is?
Mmm. Jason Jelly.
- [MANAGER] That's right.
- No, "Nathan Shelley."
- Mmm.
- That's right, Nathan Shelley,
manager of West Ham
United, in my restaurant!
- [LAUGHS] Big week, my guy.
- Yep.
Big fucking week. [INHALES SHARPLY]
I'm Derek. I'm the manager here.
[CLEARS THROAT] Anything
you need, you got it.
- Okay.
- From one manager to another. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, well, it's not
not quite the same, but
[CHUCKLES] Facing your team this week.
- [HUFFS] That's gotta be hard-core, right?
- Mmm.
I mean, you talked a lot of shit
about them in the press. [CHUCKLES]
- Didn't ya? I loved it. [CHUCKLES]
- Sorry, can I, um can I pay?
[STAMMERS] No. No. No, no, no, no.
This is on me, okay? On me. Understand?
This man's money is
no good here. [LAUGHS]
Never charge. Except for
booze. Gotta charge for booze.
I didn't order any booze. It's 12:30.
[LAUGHS] Knock 'em dead.
- Mmm.
- Go Hammers! [CHUCKLING]
No way.
Oi, oi, oi. Do you know
who this is? [CHUCKLES]
All right, okay. Bye.
[SHANDY] And cut!
Lovely, Colin. Thank you.
All right. [INHALES DEEPLY]
Okay, Dani, you're up.
- [CHATTERING]
- I'm very nervous.
Oh, no, no. Don't be
nervous. Look, just sit here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Look into the camera
and pretend you're
talking to an old friend.
My oldest friend is Javiar.
Great. How long have you known Javiar?
Only a couple of months, but he
turns 108 years old next week.
- Perfect.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Final checks.
Thank you.
- [CREW MEMBER] Hello, Keeley.
- Hi.
Yeah. Just scoot to
your left a little bit.
Yeah, that's it. Okay, off you go, Dani.
You may not know who I am,
but I think the most beautiful
parts of a woman are her flaws.
- Hmm.
- And cut! Thank you, Dani. Next!
Okay.
- [GASPS, SCREAMS]
- [EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS]
- Brought you coffee.
- Yeah.
- How's it going?
- Oh, my God. This is great.
- Yeah?
- They're great.
I just I love being the boss.
- Cheers to that. Yeah.
- Cheers to that.
Uh, you ready, Zoreaux?
Oh, uh, yeah, but I actually
go by "Van Damme" now.
Okay, great. Action, Van Damme.
You don't know who I am,
but I'm looking for someone who
likes short walks on the beach,
so we can spend more time, you know
[SNICKERING]
And cut.
Great, thanks, Van Damme. Next!
[CHATTERING]
- Van Damme?
- Yeah. It's my new name.
Oh, cool. Why?
Because I love Jean-Claude Van Damme,
and Zava told me I should
be whoever I wanna be.
- Okay, yeah. Cool.
- All right, Van Damme.
- All right, boys.
- Take it easy.
- [SHANDY] He's so fucking hot.
- [CHUCKLES]
What's his story?
Jamie? Oh, he's so cocky.
But I guess you have
to be at this level.
But he only thinks about himself.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
At least, he used to.
[JAMIE] Joking. No.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
But he's not accountable for his
actions and what they do to others.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Except he is getting
better at making apologies.
Still, he only thinks with his dick.
And yet, I don't think
he's seen anyone in ages.
[INHALES DEEPLY] I just wanna
know if I can bang him, babe.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] I don't know.
You should probably ask him,
it's his dick. [CHUCKLES]
Cool. Off you go, Jamie.
[ENGINE REVS]
[CHATTERING]
Oh, what are y'all still doing here?
Coach, you're gonna
wanna watch this. [SIGHS]
Ooh, is it one of them videos
of a military parent coming
home after a long tour?
'Cause if so, I'm gonna be
eating tears and snot for dinner.
- Not quite.
- Hmm.
[ROY CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[COACH BEARD SIGHS]
[ROY] Here we go.
[TED GROANS]
[GROANS]
Where'd this come from?
This fucking legend thought
to pull the security footage
when we told him about the sign.
I guess you can take
the boy out of journalism
but you can't take
journalism out of the boy.
Right, you fucking ruined
it now. The point is,
the answer we were
looking for has arrived.
What are you talking about?
A video like this could
motivate a team, perhaps.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you for your help, Trent.
May a young Robert Redford
portray you in a film someday.
- Probably Dustin Hoffman.
- Mm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES] Good night.
- Good night.
Go home, guys. Get some sleep.
- Okay.
- [TED] Mm-hmm.
- Good night, Ted. Night, Beard.
- Good night.
Night, Coach.
[SIGHS]
- Uh, Coach.
- Mmm.
I was thinking about
your Sassy situation.
Oh, yeah.
Jane's sister is in town.
- No, thank you, Coach.
- That's the right answer.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Burning the midnight oil, I see.
Uh, yeah. Sorry for the smell.
[CHUCKLES]
The oil burning. [STAMMERS]
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
So, you're feeling
confident about this weekend?
Yeah. Yeah, no, I think so. Um
Yeah, no. Go Yeah. We're
gonna destroy, right? [CHUCKLES]
Good.
No, it's j Um It's just, I
I just haven't seen Ted
since I left and, uh
We didn't leave on the
best of terms and
I feel like I owe him
an apology or something.
You did what was best for you.
What were you meant to do?
Hang around, supporting Ted
for the rest of your life?
I don't think so.
[CHUCKLES]
You've done nothing wrong,
Nathan, I promise you.
You earned this job.
Well, so what do I say when I see him?
[CHUCKLES] You say
nothing, apart from "hello."
You look him in the
eye. You shake his hand.
And then you beat him.
And then we go and celebrate.
[SCOFFS] Okay.
Good night, Nathan.
Good night, Rupert. Thank you.
Mr. Mannion.
[SCOFFS]
Hey.
Working late? Or hardly working?
Well, I don't think that's
how the joke goes. [CHUCKLES]
What joke?
Never mind. What's up?
[SIGHS]
I really want to win this one.
I know.
Everything okay?
Am I a mess?
Of course you are.
That's why we get along.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
And I wish I could tell you to
ignore Sass, but she's usually right.
[CLICKS TONGUE] So, Sassy
already told you about the
Of course. Girl talk.
Girl talk.
Mm-hmm. [SIGHS] Hmm.
So, is everything all right?
Yeah, I'm good.
Oklahoma?
[GRUNTS]
I'm a work in "progmess."
[CHUCKLES]
Good night, Ted.
You already won, you know?
You got that turkey out of your life.
[SIGHS]
Beat them.
Good night, boss.
[SIGHS]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
[REPORTERS] Oh!
[REPORTERS CHEERING]
Oi, do I look all right?
Of course you do. Why?
Well, if Jack actually shows up,
I want him to think that I
look mysterious and powerful.
Dynamic, you know?
- All of that.
- You are mysterious, powerful and dynamic.
Ooh. Shit, I'm nervous.
I think I need to go
and reapply my lip liner.
- I'll see you upstairs in the suite.
- Yep.
[REBECCA CHUCKLES]
Hey, Rebecca!
- Rupert.
- Wonderful to see you.
- Bex. Love the new hair.
- Hi.
I haven't changed my hair.
Nor should you. It's perfection.
[CHUCKLES]
So, how's the little one?
Oh, yeah, Diane. She's already
walking. Can you believe that?
Yeah. Drooling and
pooing around the house.
[CHUCKLES] Takes after her father.
- [LAUGHING]
- Well. Hey, take it easy on us today.
Aah. No promises.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[GASPS] Oh, shit. [SIGHS]
Excuse me.
I've got a bit of a situation here.
Oh, thank you. But
it's actually not that.
[GASPS] You're a lifesaver!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Usually I'm like clockwork,
but because I've been so
stressed, I've come on early.
Oh, I'm so happy that it's
a super and not a skinny.
Who are those even for?
It's not like my vagina is on a diet,
I'm on my fucking period. [CHUCKLES]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Oi, thanks for helping me.
And I love your shoes!
Ah, yeah. [CHUCKLES] Thanks.
- Pay it forward.
- Yeah.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Sorry.
Excuse me.
Hi.
- Boy, you're tall.
- [CHUCKLES]
Is your dad a tree or
something? [CHUCKLES]
No, I'm screwing around. [SIGHS]
Hey, speaking of trees, who
are y'all rooting for today?
[ALL] West Ham.
- Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Go ahead. Yeah. Going
down one more floor.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, of course.
Best of luck out there.
Hey, Nate. That you?
Oh. Hi. I didn't see you there.
- Oh, that's okay. How you been, man?
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah. Good. Good.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [SIGHS]
Listen, Ted.
- I I just wanna say that
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
the way I left
Nathan. There you are.
Yeah.
Hey, Rupert.
- Ted.
- Nice to see you again.
[CHUCKLES] Good luck.
[DOOR CLOSES]
- [BARBARA] Keeley? Yeah. [LAUGHS]
- [REBECCA] She's absolutely fantastic.
- Oh, here she is now.
- [REBECCA] Ah.
- Hey. Hey. Yeah.
- Um, Keeley? This is Jack Danvers.
Hello.
I believe you have something of mine.
Oh, fuck. You're Jack?
[CHUCKLES]
Ooh, this is a bit embarrassing.
- No.
- Yeah. We all thought you were a man.
Yeah, that too. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, it's like that old riddle.
- What riddle?
- You know, always a tricky one, this one.
A father and son are in a car wreck.
Dad dies instantly, the son
is rushed to an emergency room.
A surgeon walks in and says,
"I can't operate on
this boy. He's my son."
[WHISPERS] How is it possible?
- [GASPS] Because she's a woman.
- She's gay.
- Sperm donor.
- He lives in a simulation?
Right. Yeah, I guess
that's a bit dated now.
Um, so, I assume "Jack" is
short for "Jacqueline," right?
No. It's short for my
father wanted a boy.
[SHANDY CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna go and sit
down now, outside. Now.
[CHUCKLES] Jack, welcome.
We are not allowed to
take drinks to our seats.
So if you want to get plastered,
we should probably do that now.
- Mmm. Okay.
- [LAUGHING]
Well, after you.
[BARBARA CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Ah, you're so funny, Rebecca. [CHUCKLES]
[EXHALES HEAVILY] Barbara's
obsessed with Rebecca.
I hope she doesn't try and kill
her and wear her skin as a suit.
What the fuck?
- Cheers. It's gonna be a good day.
- [DOOR BELL JINGLES]
- All right, Baz.
- Oi!
[DOOR BELL JINGLES]
This is a Richmond pub.
It's all right, Mae. He's with me.
Get the fuck out!
[ALL LAUGHING]
[PATRON] Come on, Richmond!
[ALL] Come on, Richmond!
Come on, Richmond!
[ARLO] It's a full
house for today's battle
between West Ham United
and Zava's AFC Richmond.
A win would take either team
to the top spot in the table,
knocking mighty Manchester
City off number one.
Should be a tight match,
Chris. Any predictions?
I stopped making predictions, Arlo.
Because I was never wrong.
Got to the point I was worried I
was the one making things happen.
Well, that's interesting.
I knew you'd say that.
[CROWD SINGING] They fade and die ♪
Fortune's always hiding ♪
I've looked everywhere ♪
I'm forever blowing bubbles ♪
Pretty bubbles in the air ♪
United! United!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Uh, Nate.
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
Let's have fun out there
today, yeah? [CHUCKLES]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] West Ham are quite happy
to just soak up the pressure.
Not taking any risks at
all against Richmond,
of all teams, at home.
- A sign of how far Richmond have come.
- It's all right. We're okay.
[CHRIS] What a threat Zava is.
Richmond! To the right,
to the right, to the right!
Tight! Don't get scared.
- [THIERRY GRUNTS] -
[ARLO] And it stays nil-nil,
thanks to an amazing save by Zoreaux.
- Van Damme. Van Damme.
- [COACH BEARD, ROY] Van Damme!
I hear he wants to be
called "Van Damme" now.
Why?
Well, we'd probably have to dive
into his childhood for that answer.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[ARLO] Richmond need the key pass
to unlock the Hammers' defense.
That could be the one.
- Tartt hits the woodwork.
- No!
- That was close.
- Zava was wide open.
For Zava!
[ARLO] There'll be two more minutes
in the first half of this scoreless,
but pulsating, London derby.
- Obisanya caught in possession.
- No. No, no, no.
[ARLO] And here come
West Ham on the break.
Armando bearing down on goal.
[GRUNTS]
- [WEST HAM FANS] Yeah!
- Yes!
[ARLO] And it's there.
Right under Van Damme.
The Canadian keeper
apparently not as unstoppable
as the Muscles from Brussels.
[CHRIS] That's not
fair, Arlo. Nobody is.
- We've been here before. Come on.
- Come on, lads.
[ARLO] The Hammers go up
1-nil just before halftime.
Fuck it.
All right, guys. Come on, now.
Let's end this half strong!
Huddle. [WHISTLES]
What's this shit?
- [TED] Hmm.
- I don't know.
- Lower. Lower. Move it right. Five.
- Brilliant. Brilliant.
- Right now, come on. Five.
- Ref, just blow the fucking whistle.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] West Ham pressing now.
- No, no.
- [ARLO] A new tactic from the Hammers
in the closing seconds
of the first half.
[CHRIS] It's never too
late to change, Arlo.
- [THIERRY] No!
- Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck!
[ARLO] And it's 2-nil. Oh, deary me.
Excuse me.
How did that happen?
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [ARLO] We go to halftime.
Richmond have dominated possession,
but out of absolutely nowhere,
it's 2-nil to the Hammers.
[BAR PATRON] We don't deserve that.
- What the fuck just happened?
- [SIGHS]
I I d I don't know.
Hey, fellas. Uh, I'll
be right back. Okay?
The fuck are you going?
- I'll just be a minute or two, okay?
- What do we t-tell tell the team?
I don't know. Surprise me. [CHUCKLES]
[STAMMERS]
Hey, boss. What you doing down here?
I just wanted to tell you
that I believe in you, Ted.
Uh-huh?
And I know that I've been putting
an awful lot of pressure on you
to win today, but I just just
want you to forget all about that.
Just [INHALES SHARPLY]
be yourself and have fun.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay. Well, thank you.
I believe in you, Ted.
- And it's intense.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- I better go. All right.
- Off you pop. [CHUCKLES]
[REBECCA BREATHES DEEPLY]
Remember, have fun! Whoo-hoo!
- Yes! This is so exciting!
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[PLAYERS CHATTERING]
No.
[CLAMORING, SHOUTING]
This is your surprise, huh?
A minute ago, they were
catatonic. Now look at them.
- They're killers.
- Frankly, Ted, sometimes that's good.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[ARLO] Oh, my. Richmond
coming out of the tunnel
with a palpable chip
on their shoulder.
[CHRIS] Wow. A real
tension on the pitch.
I think we're in for an exciting half.
[ARLO] We begin the second half
with Richmond looking
for a strong start.
- Come on, boys. Fucking kill 'em.
- Fucking kill 'em.
- Here we go. Here we go!
- Kill!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [ARLO] Ooh. That's an awful tackle.
- [PATRONS] Oh.
- He would be fortunate to escape
- Oh, fuck.
with just a yellow.
It's a deserved red, and Richmond
will play almost the entire
second half with ten men.
He's actually a very sweet young man.
[ARLO] Here come West Ham. [GRUNTS]
[PATRONS] Aw.
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
[ARLO] And now Van
Damme has been sent off.
- We're playing like Italians.
- I know.
It's awesome.
[PLAYERS CLAMORING, GRUNTING]
Oh, dear.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [GROANS]
[PLAYERS SHOUTING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] It's getting a
touch spicy out there.
[CHRIS] Spicy, Arlo?
This is vintage vindaloo.
[GRUNTS]
No.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[ARLO] Oh, Montlaur has lost his mind,
and Richmond have lost a third player.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Om.
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
- Oof.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
Fucking come on.
[ARLO] Richmond have
completely lost the plot.
Zava must be wondering what
he's done to deserve this.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Yes!
- [CROWD CHEERS]
[ARLO] And it's 4-1 to the Hammers.
It went from evenly
matched to unevenly matched
to light a match on fire and
put it into a can of petrol.
[CHRIS] That second half should've
come with a trigger warning.
[ARLO] One extraordinary goal by Zava
did not make it any less tough to watch.
Richmond showed a side of
themselves we've never seen before.
They played angry,
dirty and ugly.
[CHRIS] Which are also the names
of Zava's three youngest kids.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
- [HIGGINS] Hey, it's okay.
- [REBECCA] Shit.
Did you guys have fun?
[STAMMERS] Yeah.
The violence was quite entertaining,
wasn't it? [CHUCKLES] In a way.
[KEELEY CHUCKLES]
[GROANS]
Sending off Van Damme was a mistake.
He played with passion.
"Passion" is a word we use
when we talk about love.
It is also a word we
use to describe a crime.
Sometimes it is also a fruit.
Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.
[RUPERT CHUCKLES]
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
- We fucked up.
- We overcorrected and played with hate.
Mmm.
- Be great if you yelled at us a bit.
- Please.
- Call us pieces of shit or something.
- Now.
You can hit us.
Get it over with.
Tried something new. It
didn't work. Big whoop.
I will take that thumb
drive one of y'all's got.
- [COACH BEARD SIGHS]
- [TED GRUNTS]
Shake it off, fellas. Lot
of football left this season.
- What a fucking arsehole.
- I know.
[REPORTER] You have to feel
pretty good about yourself
after that win, yeah?
Well, yeah. Uh, Richmond
were clearly rattled.
Um, it was easier than I
expected, if I'm honest. [CHUCKLES]
[REPORTER] What about Ted?
Quite a snub not to shake his
hand at the end of the game.
Did I not? [STAMMERS]
I I didn't mean to.
I Guess I just got caught
up in the excitement of it all.
Yeah. [INHALES DEEPLY]
Excuse me a minute. I just
Coach Shelley, Mr. Mannion
asked me to give you this.
He'll meet you there in an hour.
Oh. Thank
- It's so good to see you, Rebecca.
- You too, Bex.
Oh, Rebecca, my dear.
- So sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
Come on, old man. It's
way past your bedtime.
[REBECCA CHUCKLES]
Lovely to see you. [KISSES]
I saw you with your assistant.
Your daughter deserves
better, and so does Bex.
Stop fucking around.
- Here you go. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] We are normally a lot
better than that. And nicer.
Well, it's never great when your team
gets more red cards than goals, is it?
- No. [CHUCKLES]
- [JACK CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] What a shit show. [CHUCKLES]
Anyway, good news. Bantr's trending.
- It is?
- Yeah.
Pretty sure the change
to the bio line helped.
What are you talking about?
Who did this?
I did. This afternoon,
when I uploaded the vids.
[CLICKS TONGUE] You're welcome.
- Shandy.
- Yeah.
This This is the opposite
of what Bantr is trying to do.
Are you joking? They're gonna love it.
I've literally tripled
their subscribers in an hour.
[JACK INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
You need to change
this back, now. Please.
Yeah.
It was really lovely to meet you.
- You too.
- Excuse me.
- [RUPERT] Hey. Here he is!
- [PATRONS CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
[RUPERT] The Wonder Kid himself.
The man of the hour!
Aw. [STAMMERS] Thank you
very much, Mr. Mannion.
[GRUNTS] Please, no. "Rupert."
- Oh.
- Nathan.
Oh. Thanks, Ms. Kakes. That's
And, uh, Nathan, allow
me to introduce Anastasia.
Huge fan.
Oh, my God. You're famous.
[CHUCKLES] So are you.
[CHUCKLES]
Congratulations to your victory.
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
Mmm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[KNOCKING]
Come on, Tartt! One more before dinner!
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
Let's go, Coach. [PANTS]
[GARY] That was hard to watch.
Thierry, West Ham's domination today
saw Ted Lasso being totally exposed
by his former assistant Nate Shelley.
[THIERRY] Gary, I love this quote
from a Chinese philosopher, Laozi,
"When the student is ready,
the teacher will appear.
When the student is truly ready,
the teacher will disappear."
The Greyhounds
[GLASS THUDS ON TABLE]
[COMPUTER LINE RINGING]
[EXHALES DEEPLY, CLEARS THROAT]
- [MICHELLE] Hi, Ted.
- Hey.
Sorry about the match.
No, no. That's all right. It
was a tough one. [CHUCKLES]
Henry's not here right now.
He's at a birthday party,
- but I'll
- No, that's okay.
I w I was actually
hoping just to chat with you.
You You You got a minute?
Sure. Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh Well, uh No.
You know, I I just, um
I wanted to say something
real quick. Um
[STAMMERS] Look, I, uh
I know that you and I aren't,
you know, together anymore.
A-And And I respect that.
Okay? I I do. Um
But, um Well, uh, you know,
this whole thing with you and
Dr. Jacob really ticks me off.
And I'm upset that we didn't
ever really get to talk about it
before it all started.
Yeah.
A-And l-look, I understand
that m-me saying all this,
uh, might be the wrong
thing to do, but
I just feel like not saying it
i-i-isn't
the, um
Well, wouldn't be the
right thing either.
'Cause we gotta raise this
little boy together, you know?
We're stuck with each other.
We're gonna share grandkids.
[CHUCKLES]
I love you, Michelle.
And I love Henry.
And I love our family.
No matter what it looks like.
Okay?
Of course.
Well, uh, I'll talk to y'all soon.
Have a good night. Tell
Tell Henry I love him.
Good night, Ted.
[SIGHS]