The Big C (2010) s03e04 Episode Script
Family Matters
Previously on The Big C - Who's this? - Joy Kleinman.
Life coach, cancer survivor, and joyologist.
Hello, voyagers! Hi, Joy.
I am a blogger.
I saw the light.
You have a *** for story-telling.
- You gotta use that.
- Thank you.
Baby Cathy is gonna live forever.
I'm running gay phone sex business.
I'm thinking about checking out a Bible group.
Respect for God, that's everlasting.
Are we gonna see you morrow, Alexis? Most likely.
You might be surprised at what is your most joyful moment.
I want another baby.
It's so hard to turn our life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life - Oh! Oh, God! - Yes! Paul? Paul? Paul? - Paul! Paul! - Oh, God! No, I'm-- I'm okay, honey.
It's not my fault.
- I thought you were dying.
- Ohh.
Do you think it's crazy that we're talking about adopting a baby? No.
What I think is crazy, is what a turn off is to talk about babies after sex, even though ironically that's how you get babies.
Hmm.
I must admit, as annoying as that Joy Kleinman retreat was, it really did lead us to a good place.
Tell me about it.
Ever since she thumbs-upped my site, my God, I've had so many readers come to the blog.
I mean, people from all over the world.
This lady from China posted on the site today.
Can you believe that? - Oh, that's great.
- I know it's as if what I'm saying, I mean, it really matters.
You know, honey? You know what I mean, honey? Yeah, I'll make all your dreams come true, buddy.
You just give me your credit card number while I pull my big ole nine-incher out of my tight true religions.
Okay, 0-1-9-2-6-8 Fuck you! Oh, is this Willy Wanker again? Seriously, dude, you need to get a life.
I had a life, butt whistle, and you stole it.
And if you don't give me my phone number back, I swear to God I will foist those stupid pink lady slippers up your dirty derriere.
Oh, yeah? I'd love to see-- It's called reverse phone lookup, jackass.
Boom! Jesus Christ.
Huh.
I pictured you less dapper.
And I pictured you better looking.
Guess we were both wrong.
Well, well, well, we, well, this is a real shit-hole.
Look, I've been patient, but this is getting silly, Willy.
You gotta stop harassing me.
You know as well as I do I came by this business fair and square.
Fair? You call it fair that just because I was a millisecond late paying my phone bill you were able to inherit my hotline and steal my identity? No one can do me but me.
Then how come in the month since I've been you, my weekly phone calls have gone up from 15 to 80? - That many? - Yeah.
You only received these calls because of me.
I invented Willy Wanker.
You owe me.
Oh, do I? Did Steve Jobs invent the iMac? No.
Did Mark Zuckerberg come up with the concept for Facebook? No.
But did they both have the business savvy to make those ideas and therefore reap the rewards of said creations? Yes! Face it, buddy, I'm the Steve Blowjobs and the Mark Fuckerberg of the gay phone sex industry.
You're just pissed off 'cause I'm a better Willy Wanker than you will ever be.
Oh, please.
Name the steps of a lemon baller.
Twist, lick, finger, suck.
Also known as the Tequila and very nice after a round of ass-cubing.
Asscubi, what's that? Trade secret.
Damn you! Fine, you won't give me back my identity, I'll steal yours.
Whoa, well, seeing as how I don't have a driver's license or a credit card and most of that mail belongs to a dead woman, I'd say your shit out of luck.
Hey, but look on the bright side.
Sunset casual is having their annual sale.
I refuse to leave these premises unless I get my phone line back.
Then have fun sleeping outside.
I will destroy you.
Mmm.
Carbs.
Mmm.
I missed the stupid bus.
Can you drive me to school? No, I'm going in late.
Your father and I have an appointment.
You can walk with me, but you have to help me carry my African drum circle stuff for afro club.
What kind of an appointment? A doctor's appointment? Well, no.
Actually, it's an appointment with a lawyer.
I knew it.
You guys are getting a divorce.
No, it's nothing bad.
We have a meeting with an adoption lawyer.
No way.
You're adopting a baby? We're just finding out what our options are.
We were gonna wait to tell everyone once we have more information.
Seriously? Can't we go a single month where something crazy isn't happening? We know it's been a bit of a roller coaster the past few months.
That's kinda the idea though.
Your mom and I, we both got so close to death, it made us want to celebrate life.
And wouldn't it be cool to have a little brother or a little sister? You should adopt from Ghana.
I think we're just looking into domestic adoptions now.
Because you probably want a perfect little white baby, just like everybody else.
You know what? Color-blind, my ass.
Andrea.
My name is Ababuo.
Come on, whitey, let's go.
Oh.
Oh.
You will never guess who just texted me back.
Joy Kleinman.
Back? You wrote her? Yeah, to thank her for being a fan.
Listen to this.
"Why don't you thank me in person? "Click on link for two free tickets to my talk tomorrow night in Minneapolis.
" How cool is that? We're free tomorrow night, right? Yeah.
Ohh.
Look how sweet.
Can you imagine us with one of these? Mr.
and Mrs.
Jamison? Hi, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
Fred Bobick.
Please, sit down, sit down.
So I understand that you folks want to learn more about adoption? Yes.
We just wanted to get an idea of what was involved.
Well, you have come to the right place.
I've recently had some heart issues, which have been dealt with and I'm fine, but I just wanted to make sure that that wouldn't-- We'd be okay with that.
Yeah, he has an I.
C.
D.
device in his chest.
It's kind of a pacemaker.
Well, you know, I really don't see that as being much of an issue at all, as long as you're in good health.
And actually, that's something we wanted to get your input on.
I do technically have melanoma, but my doctor says I'm doing great.
My tumors are virtually undetectable.
I'm gonna just stop you right there.
Um, you know, it's difficult enough to convince and expectant mother to hand over her newborn to a couple of your advanced age, especially if one of you is undergoing cancer treatment.
Advanced age? Fred, within this chest beats the heart of a horny teenager.
Look, well, maybe we could-- we could help with some of your less desirable kids from your angels in waiting program.
One with special needs, or A moustache? You know, the challenged kids need even more help, so What about adopting abroad? Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
Look, why don't you just come back and see us when you're cancer-free? One minute, everyone.
Hey there, sis.
Is there something you wanna tell me? Sean, what are you doing? Or maybe you were just gonna wait and spring this whole adoption thing on me just like you did with your fucking cancer.
Okay, why don't we take this discussion out in the hall? Oh, what, I'm sorry, is this private information? I just assumed your whole class knew since everyone seems to know everything before me.
Just keep working, everyone.
Are you trying to get us both fired? My dead fetus is barely fucking cold, Cath.
I know it was hard for you to lose the baby, and I am sorry that happened.
I-I really am.
But this, this is not about you.
This is about me.
I want a baby, Sean! Of course you do.
You need something to fill the fucking cancer hole, right? No, I have a right to chase some happiness after everything I went through.
I can't believe I have to deal with this shit on top of a fucking stalker.
What? Are you off your meds? You were right, there really are some nice things in here.
How the fuck did you get in my house? Wouldn't you like to know.
You know what, no! I don't really care.
I got nothing better to do today.
You gonna go all "Occupy Anus Street" on my ass, I'm up for the challenge.
Fine by me.
Call from Richard Hughes.
Richard.
I've missed your sweet touch.
Shall we commence with some passionate ass play? Commence? No wonder you couldn't pay your phone bill.
About-face, sergeant Dick.
You better pull those camouflage briefs down, boy.
It's time for some corporal punishment of the digital kind! Oh, yeah, you know what I like.
Yeah, I do.
Now tickle my balls and lick them ever so delicately.
Uh, oh, okay.
You're supposed to be getting him off.
I bet you'd rather have my finger up your ass.
And my Buddha-shaped dildo.
- And my fist! - And my riding crop.
All at once? That's too many things up my ass.
Too many! Too many things up my ass! Ugh! You annoying prick.
Hey! Mmm.
It is--it is so nice to be back.
Just, I hate working those international flights.
The passengers, they get bored.
They get needy.
Well, that'll all change once you get your pilot's license, right? The experience is so different in the cockpit.
It's nice being the one in control.
You have kids, Kirby? Nope.
But I do have eight brothers and sisters.
Really? I can't imagine growing up with that many people.
Yeah, it was fucking nuts.
Someone was always mad at somebody.
You never knew whose underwear you had on.
What about you, kids? Yeah.
I have two.
Our oldest Adam is in college.
He's a pre-med major.
And then our younger one, Ella, we had her much later.
She's kinda like the dessert to our main course.
She really likes ballet.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, next round's on me! All right! All right all right! Yeah? I'm sorry, Dr.
Sherman just called.
He's still in surgery and won't be able to make it after all.
Oh, shoot, I really want to talk to him.
There's no way for me to see him before he goes on vacation? I could take a message.
Maybe he'll get back to you by the end of the day? Uh, okay.
I just--tell him I wanted to ask him if he could possibly write a note for me.
Mm-hmm.
I just need something that says I'm in good health.
And if he could maybe leave out the part about my still having cancer, that would be great.
You know, why don't you just have him call me.
I'll do that.
Honey, if we wanna be on time for Joy's thing, we're gonna have to leave in about an hour to beat the downtown traffic.
Whatcha doing? I'm copying Dr.
Sherman's signature.
Which one's best? Where did you get these? I stole them.
I found out the only way to get the adoption ball rolling is to have a doctor's note that says I'm healthy, so I'm writing one.
- Are you insane? - No.
Honey, it's illegal.
You can't forge a doctor's note.
I thought we agreed we were gonna take a little time and do some more research.
I did.
Without that note, it will take years to prove that I'm healthy enough to care for a baby.
Well, then We're just gonna have to wait.
Aren't we? So let's see, my parents just told me they wanna adopt a baby, which is, like, totally insane.
Well, clearly you've never seen a Jackass movie then, 'cause I'd say stapling your nutsack is insane.
Wanting to give a kid a better life, not so bad.
Yeah, I know, it's just, like, things were finally going okay for half a second.
And who needs more things to change, right? Look, I know.
It sucks.
But we're not steering the ship.
So basically you're saying weave no control.
No, what I'm saying is having faith means you don't need control.
Gos watching out for you.
How 'bout we-- we close things up with prayer? Lord, watch over us and keep us and those douchebags on Jackass safe from harm.
Amen.
Amen.
Have a great week, everybody.
Come with me.
What what the fuck? I might as well not even have a lock on the door.
I know you're probably not speaking to me, but I just wanted to say I'm glad I have a brother.
And I'm glad it is you.
And you got your wish.
Looks like the baby thing isn't happening, so I just did a numero uno all over the bathroom floor, and a deuce is on the you.
Who the hell is that? My stupid stalker.
Wait, you mean that was for real? What, you thought I made him up? Like I have an imaginary stalker? Jesus, even I'm not that crazy.
Hmm.
I have to go.
We're gonna go hear Joy Kleinman speak tonight.
Oops, just dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.
Hey, where is this speaking thing? Downtown.
Why? That's far enough.
I'm coming with you.
Alone in your home? If I lock him out, he will just find a way to get in.
And P.
S.
, I'm still not talking to you.
Corn? When the hell did I eat corn? I don't know what you're doing, but it's starting to freak me out.
Don't worry.
God, help me help Adam.
Let him know your love and protection the way I do.
Let him give over his life to your loving hands.
Okay.
- Run! - What? Holy shit! Praise Jesus! Oh, shit.
I can't believe we-- Jesse, we could have died! Yeah.
But we didn't.
Because God protected us.
Just like he protects all of his children.
What? What's so funny? If we're all God's children, that makes you my sister.
Welcome to the family.
And we are the biggest obstacle to our joy.
Ladies, I'm speaking primarily to you, because we are the greatest culprits.
Let me let you in on a little secret.
We are worthy.
Oh, you didn't hear me way in the back? Let me say it a little bit louder.
We are worthy.
What did I say? We are worthy.
Thank you.
Very good.
Now, as a little reward, you can go into those goody bags that you got when you came in.
And I want you to take out the lipstick.
That's right, now put it on.
Yep.
It's bright.
Because you are going to stand out to the world.
Because from this moment on, you are going to fucking kiss Joy on the mouth.
That's right.
That's right.
You deserve it.
All you.
You, yes, you do.
That's right.
Oh, dear, now I feel really a little bad for the guys out there with no lipstick, but I'm not gonna let you off the hook because you can't just sit in your chair and let life grab you by the balls, no.
We only get one chance to live.
Well, at least most of us.
Actually, I know someone who got a second chance.
Paul? Paul? Paul Jamison.
How 'bout coming up here and sharing your story with us? Paul got a second chance.
Wouldn't you all like to hear about Paul's story? Come on up, Paul.
That's right.
That's right, bring him up.
Paul.
Here you go.
Come on up.
Uh I, um, clearly wasn't prepared for this because I would have dressed better.
So where do-- where do I begin? Um, I guess with my heart attack.
I had one recently and am told that I was dead for three minutes.
Which is weird, because it felt longer.
But when I woke up, there was this light.
And I know it just sounds like the most cliche bullshit thing that you ever heard of, but imagine every wonderful thing you can think of enveloping you.
Happiness, sex, pastrami.
And it just-- I didn't want to come back.
It just felt so right.
But I did come back.
I came back to my bills and my problems.
You know, my-- my bullshit.
Like the faucet on my bathroom sink.
The hot water faucet on my bathroom sink, it keeps breaking, and it's really annoying.
You know, so last week I decided I was gonna spend the afternoon fixing it.
And I couldn't get it to work.
And I got so angry.
I started yelling at it, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" And that's when I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and I said, "What's wrong with me? "Why do I have any right "getting stressed out about anything when I know that that light is waiting for me?" And here's the thing, it's not just when you die.
It's here.
I think it's here.
I think it's all around us.
And it's just waiting for us to tap into it.
I might have had to die to wake up, but you don't have to.
You You don't have to.
Yeah, Paulie! No, no, no, no.
I'm so glad I stalked you here.
She is amazing.
It was like Joy was speaking right to me.
I do deserve more.
I want to find my happiness.
You can have the Wanker business.
I can? Running a sex line was never a good fit for me.
I always felt such shame.
I could never tell my mother what I really did for a living.
But you, you seem to have no shame.
Why thank you.
I need to pursue my real dream, toe a singer-songwriter entertainer.
I never thought I was worthy.
But now I know I am.
Good-bye, Willy.
Paul? We just wanted to tell you how much we loved your story.
So inspiring.
Thank you very much.
That so nice of you to say that.
One of my girlfriends was asking if you were single, and I said, "Um, a catch like that, I doubt it.
" You didn't say that.
- I did.
- Ha! Are you? Oh.
But please tell your friend that she made my day.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I had a hunch you'd be a natural.
You had hunch about me? Yeah, that's why I invited you.
It was an audition.
And you passed with flying colors.
Yeah, so I was thinking that maybe, if you're interested, you'd wanna come back and try it again and-- Only of course the next time you'd get paid for that gold.
Are you kidding me? Yes, the answer is yes I would like to do it again.
Good.
All right, well, then I'll have my assistant call your assistant.
Joy, there's some people that want to say hi to you.
I don't have an assistant.
Wait, I'm saving myself.
Oh, it's all good.
You know, we can stop.
No, no, no, I just mean we can't use the front door.
But You can go in the other way.
Oh, I was wondering where you ran off to.
Joy.
Nice to see you.
Thank you for the tickets.
Oh, sure.
You're not wearing my lipstick.
Oh, yeah.
Just, um, feeling kind of blah.
Not your fault.
Maybe I can help.
Not much you'd rather ***.
What? Oh, I-- I want to adopt a baby, but apparently nobody wants to give a kid to the cancer lady.
No, they hear the word "cancer" and people think you're the Boogeyman.
Hmm.
Can't say I blame them.
I know this sounds stupid, but I just-- I just thought if maybe I got a baby it would somehow magically guarantee I'd be around to take care of it.
Oh, it's not stupid.
But if you want something, if you really want something, you don't ask for it.
You demand it.
Shout it out to the fucking universe because you deserve it.
There, now you're wearing my lipstick.
Bathroom's all yours.
Excellent.
I'm gonna take the longest, hottest shower ever.
The minute I got off stage, my sweat had a total pit parade.
You did good tonight.
I did, didn't I? You wouldn't believe how many new readers I have on the blog.
It's like it got infected by the Joy virus.
You know, I'm really out there.
Cathy, did you go on my blog last night and post about how we wanted a baby? I did.
I thought if we put it out to the universe, who knows? Well, this guy just wrote me.
And his wife's pregnant.
And they're looking for a good family.
Do they wanna meet us? Do they-- Oh, they want-- they want to meet us! They--ha ha! Ah.
Ha ha!
Life coach, cancer survivor, and joyologist.
Hello, voyagers! Hi, Joy.
I am a blogger.
I saw the light.
You have a *** for story-telling.
- You gotta use that.
- Thank you.
Baby Cathy is gonna live forever.
I'm running gay phone sex business.
I'm thinking about checking out a Bible group.
Respect for God, that's everlasting.
Are we gonna see you morrow, Alexis? Most likely.
You might be surprised at what is your most joyful moment.
I want another baby.
It's so hard to turn our life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life - Oh! Oh, God! - Yes! Paul? Paul? Paul? - Paul! Paul! - Oh, God! No, I'm-- I'm okay, honey.
It's not my fault.
- I thought you were dying.
- Ohh.
Do you think it's crazy that we're talking about adopting a baby? No.
What I think is crazy, is what a turn off is to talk about babies after sex, even though ironically that's how you get babies.
Hmm.
I must admit, as annoying as that Joy Kleinman retreat was, it really did lead us to a good place.
Tell me about it.
Ever since she thumbs-upped my site, my God, I've had so many readers come to the blog.
I mean, people from all over the world.
This lady from China posted on the site today.
Can you believe that? - Oh, that's great.
- I know it's as if what I'm saying, I mean, it really matters.
You know, honey? You know what I mean, honey? Yeah, I'll make all your dreams come true, buddy.
You just give me your credit card number while I pull my big ole nine-incher out of my tight true religions.
Okay, 0-1-9-2-6-8 Fuck you! Oh, is this Willy Wanker again? Seriously, dude, you need to get a life.
I had a life, butt whistle, and you stole it.
And if you don't give me my phone number back, I swear to God I will foist those stupid pink lady slippers up your dirty derriere.
Oh, yeah? I'd love to see-- It's called reverse phone lookup, jackass.
Boom! Jesus Christ.
Huh.
I pictured you less dapper.
And I pictured you better looking.
Guess we were both wrong.
Well, well, well, we, well, this is a real shit-hole.
Look, I've been patient, but this is getting silly, Willy.
You gotta stop harassing me.
You know as well as I do I came by this business fair and square.
Fair? You call it fair that just because I was a millisecond late paying my phone bill you were able to inherit my hotline and steal my identity? No one can do me but me.
Then how come in the month since I've been you, my weekly phone calls have gone up from 15 to 80? - That many? - Yeah.
You only received these calls because of me.
I invented Willy Wanker.
You owe me.
Oh, do I? Did Steve Jobs invent the iMac? No.
Did Mark Zuckerberg come up with the concept for Facebook? No.
But did they both have the business savvy to make those ideas and therefore reap the rewards of said creations? Yes! Face it, buddy, I'm the Steve Blowjobs and the Mark Fuckerberg of the gay phone sex industry.
You're just pissed off 'cause I'm a better Willy Wanker than you will ever be.
Oh, please.
Name the steps of a lemon baller.
Twist, lick, finger, suck.
Also known as the Tequila and very nice after a round of ass-cubing.
Asscubi, what's that? Trade secret.
Damn you! Fine, you won't give me back my identity, I'll steal yours.
Whoa, well, seeing as how I don't have a driver's license or a credit card and most of that mail belongs to a dead woman, I'd say your shit out of luck.
Hey, but look on the bright side.
Sunset casual is having their annual sale.
I refuse to leave these premises unless I get my phone line back.
Then have fun sleeping outside.
I will destroy you.
Mmm.
Carbs.
Mmm.
I missed the stupid bus.
Can you drive me to school? No, I'm going in late.
Your father and I have an appointment.
You can walk with me, but you have to help me carry my African drum circle stuff for afro club.
What kind of an appointment? A doctor's appointment? Well, no.
Actually, it's an appointment with a lawyer.
I knew it.
You guys are getting a divorce.
No, it's nothing bad.
We have a meeting with an adoption lawyer.
No way.
You're adopting a baby? We're just finding out what our options are.
We were gonna wait to tell everyone once we have more information.
Seriously? Can't we go a single month where something crazy isn't happening? We know it's been a bit of a roller coaster the past few months.
That's kinda the idea though.
Your mom and I, we both got so close to death, it made us want to celebrate life.
And wouldn't it be cool to have a little brother or a little sister? You should adopt from Ghana.
I think we're just looking into domestic adoptions now.
Because you probably want a perfect little white baby, just like everybody else.
You know what? Color-blind, my ass.
Andrea.
My name is Ababuo.
Come on, whitey, let's go.
Oh.
Oh.
You will never guess who just texted me back.
Joy Kleinman.
Back? You wrote her? Yeah, to thank her for being a fan.
Listen to this.
"Why don't you thank me in person? "Click on link for two free tickets to my talk tomorrow night in Minneapolis.
" How cool is that? We're free tomorrow night, right? Yeah.
Ohh.
Look how sweet.
Can you imagine us with one of these? Mr.
and Mrs.
Jamison? Hi, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
Fred Bobick.
Please, sit down, sit down.
So I understand that you folks want to learn more about adoption? Yes.
We just wanted to get an idea of what was involved.
Well, you have come to the right place.
I've recently had some heart issues, which have been dealt with and I'm fine, but I just wanted to make sure that that wouldn't-- We'd be okay with that.
Yeah, he has an I.
C.
D.
device in his chest.
It's kind of a pacemaker.
Well, you know, I really don't see that as being much of an issue at all, as long as you're in good health.
And actually, that's something we wanted to get your input on.
I do technically have melanoma, but my doctor says I'm doing great.
My tumors are virtually undetectable.
I'm gonna just stop you right there.
Um, you know, it's difficult enough to convince and expectant mother to hand over her newborn to a couple of your advanced age, especially if one of you is undergoing cancer treatment.
Advanced age? Fred, within this chest beats the heart of a horny teenager.
Look, well, maybe we could-- we could help with some of your less desirable kids from your angels in waiting program.
One with special needs, or A moustache? You know, the challenged kids need even more help, so What about adopting abroad? Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
Look, why don't you just come back and see us when you're cancer-free? One minute, everyone.
Hey there, sis.
Is there something you wanna tell me? Sean, what are you doing? Or maybe you were just gonna wait and spring this whole adoption thing on me just like you did with your fucking cancer.
Okay, why don't we take this discussion out in the hall? Oh, what, I'm sorry, is this private information? I just assumed your whole class knew since everyone seems to know everything before me.
Just keep working, everyone.
Are you trying to get us both fired? My dead fetus is barely fucking cold, Cath.
I know it was hard for you to lose the baby, and I am sorry that happened.
I-I really am.
But this, this is not about you.
This is about me.
I want a baby, Sean! Of course you do.
You need something to fill the fucking cancer hole, right? No, I have a right to chase some happiness after everything I went through.
I can't believe I have to deal with this shit on top of a fucking stalker.
What? Are you off your meds? You were right, there really are some nice things in here.
How the fuck did you get in my house? Wouldn't you like to know.
You know what, no! I don't really care.
I got nothing better to do today.
You gonna go all "Occupy Anus Street" on my ass, I'm up for the challenge.
Fine by me.
Call from Richard Hughes.
Richard.
I've missed your sweet touch.
Shall we commence with some passionate ass play? Commence? No wonder you couldn't pay your phone bill.
About-face, sergeant Dick.
You better pull those camouflage briefs down, boy.
It's time for some corporal punishment of the digital kind! Oh, yeah, you know what I like.
Yeah, I do.
Now tickle my balls and lick them ever so delicately.
Uh, oh, okay.
You're supposed to be getting him off.
I bet you'd rather have my finger up your ass.
And my Buddha-shaped dildo.
- And my fist! - And my riding crop.
All at once? That's too many things up my ass.
Too many! Too many things up my ass! Ugh! You annoying prick.
Hey! Mmm.
It is--it is so nice to be back.
Just, I hate working those international flights.
The passengers, they get bored.
They get needy.
Well, that'll all change once you get your pilot's license, right? The experience is so different in the cockpit.
It's nice being the one in control.
You have kids, Kirby? Nope.
But I do have eight brothers and sisters.
Really? I can't imagine growing up with that many people.
Yeah, it was fucking nuts.
Someone was always mad at somebody.
You never knew whose underwear you had on.
What about you, kids? Yeah.
I have two.
Our oldest Adam is in college.
He's a pre-med major.
And then our younger one, Ella, we had her much later.
She's kinda like the dessert to our main course.
She really likes ballet.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, next round's on me! All right! All right all right! Yeah? I'm sorry, Dr.
Sherman just called.
He's still in surgery and won't be able to make it after all.
Oh, shoot, I really want to talk to him.
There's no way for me to see him before he goes on vacation? I could take a message.
Maybe he'll get back to you by the end of the day? Uh, okay.
I just--tell him I wanted to ask him if he could possibly write a note for me.
Mm-hmm.
I just need something that says I'm in good health.
And if he could maybe leave out the part about my still having cancer, that would be great.
You know, why don't you just have him call me.
I'll do that.
Honey, if we wanna be on time for Joy's thing, we're gonna have to leave in about an hour to beat the downtown traffic.
Whatcha doing? I'm copying Dr.
Sherman's signature.
Which one's best? Where did you get these? I stole them.
I found out the only way to get the adoption ball rolling is to have a doctor's note that says I'm healthy, so I'm writing one.
- Are you insane? - No.
Honey, it's illegal.
You can't forge a doctor's note.
I thought we agreed we were gonna take a little time and do some more research.
I did.
Without that note, it will take years to prove that I'm healthy enough to care for a baby.
Well, then We're just gonna have to wait.
Aren't we? So let's see, my parents just told me they wanna adopt a baby, which is, like, totally insane.
Well, clearly you've never seen a Jackass movie then, 'cause I'd say stapling your nutsack is insane.
Wanting to give a kid a better life, not so bad.
Yeah, I know, it's just, like, things were finally going okay for half a second.
And who needs more things to change, right? Look, I know.
It sucks.
But we're not steering the ship.
So basically you're saying weave no control.
No, what I'm saying is having faith means you don't need control.
Gos watching out for you.
How 'bout we-- we close things up with prayer? Lord, watch over us and keep us and those douchebags on Jackass safe from harm.
Amen.
Amen.
Have a great week, everybody.
Come with me.
What what the fuck? I might as well not even have a lock on the door.
I know you're probably not speaking to me, but I just wanted to say I'm glad I have a brother.
And I'm glad it is you.
And you got your wish.
Looks like the baby thing isn't happening, so I just did a numero uno all over the bathroom floor, and a deuce is on the you.
Who the hell is that? My stupid stalker.
Wait, you mean that was for real? What, you thought I made him up? Like I have an imaginary stalker? Jesus, even I'm not that crazy.
Hmm.
I have to go.
We're gonna go hear Joy Kleinman speak tonight.
Oops, just dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.
Hey, where is this speaking thing? Downtown.
Why? That's far enough.
I'm coming with you.
Alone in your home? If I lock him out, he will just find a way to get in.
And P.
S.
, I'm still not talking to you.
Corn? When the hell did I eat corn? I don't know what you're doing, but it's starting to freak me out.
Don't worry.
God, help me help Adam.
Let him know your love and protection the way I do.
Let him give over his life to your loving hands.
Okay.
- Run! - What? Holy shit! Praise Jesus! Oh, shit.
I can't believe we-- Jesse, we could have died! Yeah.
But we didn't.
Because God protected us.
Just like he protects all of his children.
What? What's so funny? If we're all God's children, that makes you my sister.
Welcome to the family.
And we are the biggest obstacle to our joy.
Ladies, I'm speaking primarily to you, because we are the greatest culprits.
Let me let you in on a little secret.
We are worthy.
Oh, you didn't hear me way in the back? Let me say it a little bit louder.
We are worthy.
What did I say? We are worthy.
Thank you.
Very good.
Now, as a little reward, you can go into those goody bags that you got when you came in.
And I want you to take out the lipstick.
That's right, now put it on.
Yep.
It's bright.
Because you are going to stand out to the world.
Because from this moment on, you are going to fucking kiss Joy on the mouth.
That's right.
That's right.
You deserve it.
All you.
You, yes, you do.
That's right.
Oh, dear, now I feel really a little bad for the guys out there with no lipstick, but I'm not gonna let you off the hook because you can't just sit in your chair and let life grab you by the balls, no.
We only get one chance to live.
Well, at least most of us.
Actually, I know someone who got a second chance.
Paul? Paul? Paul Jamison.
How 'bout coming up here and sharing your story with us? Paul got a second chance.
Wouldn't you all like to hear about Paul's story? Come on up, Paul.
That's right.
That's right, bring him up.
Paul.
Here you go.
Come on up.
Uh I, um, clearly wasn't prepared for this because I would have dressed better.
So where do-- where do I begin? Um, I guess with my heart attack.
I had one recently and am told that I was dead for three minutes.
Which is weird, because it felt longer.
But when I woke up, there was this light.
And I know it just sounds like the most cliche bullshit thing that you ever heard of, but imagine every wonderful thing you can think of enveloping you.
Happiness, sex, pastrami.
And it just-- I didn't want to come back.
It just felt so right.
But I did come back.
I came back to my bills and my problems.
You know, my-- my bullshit.
Like the faucet on my bathroom sink.
The hot water faucet on my bathroom sink, it keeps breaking, and it's really annoying.
You know, so last week I decided I was gonna spend the afternoon fixing it.
And I couldn't get it to work.
And I got so angry.
I started yelling at it, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" And that's when I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and I said, "What's wrong with me? "Why do I have any right "getting stressed out about anything when I know that that light is waiting for me?" And here's the thing, it's not just when you die.
It's here.
I think it's here.
I think it's all around us.
And it's just waiting for us to tap into it.
I might have had to die to wake up, but you don't have to.
You You don't have to.
Yeah, Paulie! No, no, no, no.
I'm so glad I stalked you here.
She is amazing.
It was like Joy was speaking right to me.
I do deserve more.
I want to find my happiness.
You can have the Wanker business.
I can? Running a sex line was never a good fit for me.
I always felt such shame.
I could never tell my mother what I really did for a living.
But you, you seem to have no shame.
Why thank you.
I need to pursue my real dream, toe a singer-songwriter entertainer.
I never thought I was worthy.
But now I know I am.
Good-bye, Willy.
Paul? We just wanted to tell you how much we loved your story.
So inspiring.
Thank you very much.
That so nice of you to say that.
One of my girlfriends was asking if you were single, and I said, "Um, a catch like that, I doubt it.
" You didn't say that.
- I did.
- Ha! Are you? Oh.
But please tell your friend that she made my day.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I had a hunch you'd be a natural.
You had hunch about me? Yeah, that's why I invited you.
It was an audition.
And you passed with flying colors.
Yeah, so I was thinking that maybe, if you're interested, you'd wanna come back and try it again and-- Only of course the next time you'd get paid for that gold.
Are you kidding me? Yes, the answer is yes I would like to do it again.
Good.
All right, well, then I'll have my assistant call your assistant.
Joy, there's some people that want to say hi to you.
I don't have an assistant.
Wait, I'm saving myself.
Oh, it's all good.
You know, we can stop.
No, no, no, I just mean we can't use the front door.
But You can go in the other way.
Oh, I was wondering where you ran off to.
Joy.
Nice to see you.
Thank you for the tickets.
Oh, sure.
You're not wearing my lipstick.
Oh, yeah.
Just, um, feeling kind of blah.
Not your fault.
Maybe I can help.
Not much you'd rather ***.
What? Oh, I-- I want to adopt a baby, but apparently nobody wants to give a kid to the cancer lady.
No, they hear the word "cancer" and people think you're the Boogeyman.
Hmm.
Can't say I blame them.
I know this sounds stupid, but I just-- I just thought if maybe I got a baby it would somehow magically guarantee I'd be around to take care of it.
Oh, it's not stupid.
But if you want something, if you really want something, you don't ask for it.
You demand it.
Shout it out to the fucking universe because you deserve it.
There, now you're wearing my lipstick.
Bathroom's all yours.
Excellent.
I'm gonna take the longest, hottest shower ever.
The minute I got off stage, my sweat had a total pit parade.
You did good tonight.
I did, didn't I? You wouldn't believe how many new readers I have on the blog.
It's like it got infected by the Joy virus.
You know, I'm really out there.
Cathy, did you go on my blog last night and post about how we wanted a baby? I did.
I thought if we put it out to the universe, who knows? Well, this guy just wrote me.
And his wife's pregnant.
And they're looking for a good family.
Do they wanna meet us? Do they-- Oh, they want-- they want to meet us! They--ha ha! Ah.
Ha ha!