The Carmichael Show (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

1 Cynthia, I am so glad our niece decided to become a lesbian.
I can't wait to post these pictures of that wedding tomorrow.
It's gonna make us look so liberal and sophisticated on that Facebook.
Joe, you know it doesn't work like that.
People don't choose to be gay.
Of course they don't.
Who would choose to offend God? Look, they're going to a lesbian wedding.
How much progress do you expect in one afternoon? Let's just give 'em a B-minus and move on.
Well, I don't know if I'm-a be able to join y'all at that wedding tomorrow.
Bobby, you can't miss a gay wedding.
That's considered a hate crime.
But I hate going to weddings when I'm single.
It just makes you feel so alone.
Especially a lesbian one.
It's like everybody can get a girl, but Bobby.
JERROD: Well, Bobby, I thought you and Nekeisha agreed to go together.
Yeah, that was the plan, then she met some dude at a UPS Store.
Now, she's bringing him to the wedding.
Well, Bobby, if you want, I could try and set you up with this co-worker friend of mine.
She's funny, smart, successful.
She's even got her Ph.
D.
Maxine, you'd do that for me? Yeah, of course.
I'll text her right now.
Bobby, why can't you find your own date? I thought you were meeting all kinds of women on them dating apps.
Daddy, I just swiped through all them apps.
I already did Tinder, Bumble, SoulSwipe.
Shoot.
I'm thinking about converting to Judaism so I can join JDate.
Bobby, no.
They are going to come out with a new regular person app soon.
You just keep hanging in there, baby.
Hey.
Victoria said yes.
I'm back in the game, y'all.
This is gonna destroy Nekeisha.
JERROD: Wait a minute.
Maxine, your friend already got back to you? Yeah, how is it this eligible bachelorette with a Ph.
D.
is free to go to a wedding at the drop of a hat? CYNTHIA: Yeah.
Maxine, be honest with us right now.
Does she have herpes? BOBBY: Now, look here, Mama.
I don't care what she got, okay? I'm just excited that Maxine's hooking me up with one of her hot friends.
Well, hold on now, boy.
You don't know if this woman is really hot, now.
I mean, come on, Dad, look at Maxine.
She's almost a nine.
I think her friends at least got to be eights.
Bobby, this is my girlfriend we're talking about, okay? Show some respect.
Maxine is a nine and a half.
Well, I don't care how hot Maxine is.
I do know that every group of pretty girls always has one ugly friend to remind them where rock bottom is.
- Patrice is ours.
- Yep.
So, what's up, Maxine? Is she one of the pretty ones or are you trying to set my son up with the short straw? What? No.
My friend's cute.
- Uh-oh.
- JERROD: Mmm.
- Cute, Maxine? - What? Well, cute is how you describe a premature baby.
All right, let's see a picture.
Ugh.
Mmm, she doing a awful lot of scrolling over there.
Just trying to find the right one, hold on.
Here.
All right.
Oh, okay.
Wait, wait, I want to see.
Ooh.
What? Maxine, your friend is hideous.
That is so rude, Jerrod.
Yes, Jerrod, that's rude.
But he's right.
Your friend's face is a real problem.
Jerrod, how could you call my friend hideous? That's so mean and totally unfair.
Beauty is subjective.
No, you're right, Maxine.
Beauty is subjective, but ugly is universal.
Well, I wasn't gonna say anything, but if people were graded like restaurants, this girl would've been shut down by the city.
Oh, come on, Maxine.
She looks awful.
And you know it.
That is not true.
And looks aren't all that matter.
She is one of the kindest people I know.
She has a beautiful soul.
Well, so did Mother Teresa, but I'm sure she spent plenty of Saturday nights alone.
It's easy for God to be your only man when no other one is interested.
Okay, what about you, Bobby? I've never thought of you as superficial.
But, if you're so against going out with her, then I guess I'll text her back and cancel.
No.
We can't do that.
I guess that would be rude, right? (sighs) I'll go out with her.
Oh, that's really great, Bobby.
I think you guys are gonna totally hit it off.
(flatly): Thanks, Maxine, for this wonderful opportunity.
JERROD: Bobby Bobby, you don't have to go out with this girl if you don't want to.
No, no, no, I'll go.
Maybe I deserve this.
(sighs) If Maxine is hooking me up with a three, then maybe I'm a three.
Can y'all be honest with me? Am I a three? Bobby, no.
You deserve so much more than that creature with the Ph.
D.
Maxine, why are you trying to destroy my baby's self-esteem? MAXINE: I'm not.
I think that Bobby is great and I think she's great.
JERROD: Yeah, but, Maxine, this is a family wedding we're talking about.
I mean, family weddings are the-the high school reunion of family affairs.
I-It's where everyone comes together to judge one another based solely on how hot their date is.
JOE: That's right, Maxine.
We have always prided ourselves on being a family of eights.
Now, if this girl comes to the wedding with us, looking all busted out, she could single-handedly drag us down to a four.
Or-or, or maybe even a three and a half.
Like what Caitlyn Jenner did to Bruce Jenner's beautiful family.
Okay, you guys, I really don't think that society is gonna be as judgmental as you think.
Of course they will be.
I mean, who do you think society is, Maxine? It's us.
We are society.
And I don't know if you've been paying attention, but we've been saying some pretty horrible things about this girl.
JOE: Well, I mean, in certain ways, society has come a long way.
Like, we don't care about mixed race anymore, but we do care about mixed league.
These days, when it comes to looks, you expected to stick with your own kind.
JERROD: That's true.
The other day, I saw a white guy, like, making out with a black dude, and the only thing that stood out about them? One of those dudes was way hotter than the other one.
Well, which one? Was it the black one? I hope it was the black one.
So you mean to tell me people are gonna be judging me if I bring Maxine's friend to this wedding? Son, I already think less of you for even considering it.
Bobby, people will be happy for you if they see that you are happy with her.
Hey, everybody.
I want you all to meet my date to the lesbian wedding.
Todd, he fine as hell.
Go ahead, take it all in.
(squealing): Oh! Nekeisha! Todd, Todd, this is my ex-husband and his family.
Hi, everyone.
Really nice to meet you.
All right, everybody, it's time to see his abs.
Todd, go ahead and lift up your shirt and show them your abs.
Show them the goods.
Hey, hey, ain't nobody trying to see dude abs like that, Nekeisha.
Yeah, I-it's degrading.
You two, don't be rude to the guest.
Nekeisha, I don't know if it's appropriate for me to Lift up your shirt and show them your abs.
I'm not gonna ask you again.
(sighs) You're right.
CYNTHIA: Ooh! (squeals) Nekeisha! Ooh.
Todd, you must work really hard for those.
Do you need anything? Could I get you an energy drink? Um, some lemon meringue pie? We got lemon meringue pie? No, but I can make some.
Actually, we about to go have sex.
Um, Bobby I'm not gonna leave a sock on the door like I normally do, 'cause I'm telling you in person, right now.
Okay? CYNTHIA: Well, Todd, nice to meet you! Nice to meet you.
Don't be a stranger! (whoops) Ooh, Lord.
It's so exciting meeting new people.
Well, Todd settles it.
Maxine, I can't take your ugly friend to the wedding.
Well, I hope you guys are happy.
You made Bobby so self-conscious that now he's missing out on what could have been a great relationship.
Just being honest, Maxine.
Yeah, well, "being honest" is why so many women have body image issues and hate the way they look all the time.
I can't believe how superficial and small-minded you all are.
Well, Maxine, that's easy for you to say.
What is that supposed to mean? JERROD: Well, Maxine, with all due respect, you have no perspective on any of this because you're beautiful and your life has been a cakewalk because of it.
But, again, that's with all due respect.
You think my life has been a cakewalk? Well, she was born rich, too, but we not gonna bring that up.
I mean, it is rather condescending the way you walk around looking like that, acting like you the Martin Luther King Jr.
of ugly people.
Okay.
This is, this is totally unfair.
I have never used my looks to get anything in life, big or small.
Even when a guy I don't know offers to buy me drinks at a bar, I decline.
Yeah, but let's not be naive and pretend you don't enjoy the perks of being beautiful.
Like what? Like, when we go to parties, you ever notice how hard guys laugh at your jokes? No.
I think that people laugh the appropriate amount.
So you think you funny? No.
I don't I don't think I'm the funniest person in the world, but I think that I have my moments.
Okay, then, say something funny.
Well, no one can say something funny when they're put on the spot.
That wasn't funny at all, Maxine.
You know something? When a beautiful woman sneezes and she don't cover her mouth, I don't mind if a little sneeze get on me.
Look, l-let's face it, your life would be completely different if you weren't attractive.
I mean, we wouldn't be together.
You would have never gotten that low interest rate on your car.
- We probably - We wouldn't be together? What, Maxine? I mean, I didn't notice your intellect and ambition from across the room.
Okay, so you're dating me - because of what I look like? - No, no.
No.
I started dating you 'cause of what you look like.
I also slept with you for that same reason.
But somewhere around, I don't know, week ten, I really started enjoying you as a person.
It took you ten weeks to figure out that I'm a good human being? Damn, Jerrod.
Well, her looks are very distracting.
Look, Maxine, I think it's great that you're hot enough to not need a good personality but you still have one anyway.
I mean, your personality is like finding a hundred dollar bill in a box of donuts.
I would have been happy with just the donuts.
Do you know how offensive it is to tell someone that their mind is just a little extra bonus? It's dismissive and belittling that you think I'm defined by my looks, Jerrod.
No, no, Maxine.
I don't think you're defined by your looks.
Everyone thinks that.
Maxine, come on.
We can't be late for a lesbian wedding.
Who knows when those laws are gonna change again? All right, I'm ready.
Maxine, why you look like you only got six months left to live? I realized that I play a part in this superficial world we're living in, by wearing makeup and fancy clothes, doing my hair.
I was just telling society that they were right to judge me by my looks.
Okay.
I get it.
You're trying to prove a point, but, Maxine, this isn't the day to do that, okay? Now, will you please go in there, put on a nice dress and some high heels, and, you know, let's go to the wedding.
Why do you want me to change? You gonna be embarrassed to be seen with me? Yeah.
Yeah.
I am.
Of course I'm gonna be embarrassed.
I mean, look at you.
Maxine, you look like a disciple.
I-I-I I told my entire extended family how hot you are.
Okay? I said you were a nine and a half, emphatically.
You're gonna make me look like a liar.
I bet my Uncle Pete $200.
Jerrod, this isn't about you.
I'm very serious about this.
I don't want to be judged on my appearance anymore.
And, if I'm gonna be meeting your entire family, I really want it to be all about connection and conversation.
Okay, Maxine.
(sighs) I've never said this to you and I feel really vulnerable saying it, okay? But, you are my biggest accomplishment.
Is that supposed to be a compliment? 'Cause you're talking about me like I'm a trophy.
Yeah, what's wrong with trophies, Maxine? People love trophies.
- People work hard for trophies, okay? - Okay.
Look, I think that you are smart, I think you're kind, I think you have a big heart, etc.
Now, will please go back into the bedroom and turn yourself into the award I worked so hard to win? Nope.
We're leaving.
Well, if you don't do it for me, Maxine, do it for gay people.
Come on.
Maxine! Maxine? You love gay people! That's one of the things that makes you such a good person on the inside or whatever.
I hope the Lord is too busy to know I'm here.
Well, I'm excited.
After I watch this lesbian wedding, I don't think I can go back to a heterosexual one at all.
I mean, that's not inspiring.
You got to give me something.
A man and a man, a transgender and a regular gender.
Hell, I'd even watch two dogs get married if they're wearing outfits.
I mean, this is 2017.
At this point, a man and a woman, that just seems wrong.
Hmm.
Well, I just hope one of the brides is not wearing a tuxedo.
I mean, two women getting married, that's one thing, but a lady in a tux, that's going too far.
Hey, y'all.
Todd flaked on me, so I'm stuck with Bobby.
The beautiful people's flakiness allowed me to be the man that women settle for.
Maxine, what are you wearing to my niece's wedding? You look like a runaway slave.
You supposed to bring our ratings up.
This is like when your star quarterback shows up in a wheelchair.
Maxine, is this some sort of silent protest? I thought you loved gay people.
All right, look, Maxine, you got to be on the right side of history on this one.
I'm not protesting anything.
I'm just being me.
Are you sure you not protesting? 'Cause the only way that I would wear what you're wearing is if I thought that I was gonna get hit with a fire hose at some point during the day.
BOBBY: Ah, there she is, y'all.
It's Aunt Clarice! - CYNTHIA: Oh - Can y'all believe it? My baby's getting married.
(chuckles) Hey, Aunt Clarice.
It's been forever.
Oh, hey.
Is this that girlfriend I heard so much about? (flatly): Yeah, this is Maxine.
(clicks tongue) You are just stunning.
- What a natural beauty.
- (chuckles) You're way prettier than that queer my daughter's marrying.
Clarice! I know.
I still got a long way to go accepting this choice she's made.
Well, I guess I'll get in and watch my daughter kiss a woman for some reason.
Hey, see you in there, Aunt Clarice! Look, that's crazy.
She thought you were pretty.
Y'all see that? She was lying.
You look terrible.
You're embarrassing.
Well, the whole point is: it's not supposed to matter what I look like, so you should be embarrassed for being embarrassed.
BOBBY: Uh-oh.
Here he is, y'all.
Uncle Pete! Hey, y'all.
Wait a minute.
Is this Maxine? Yeah.
Damn! All right, a bet's a bet.
Mmm, Mmm, Mmm.
Look at this girl.
Are you sure you ain't a prostitute that he picked up to come over here and try and win a bet? No.
What kind of prostitute dresses like this? All right.
Congratulations, Jerrod.
But if I find out she's a prostitute, I'm-a come back for my damn money.
See you in there, Uncle Pete! Maxine, this is crazy.
You're so hot, you can't even make yourself look ugly even when you try.
I'm not trying to look ugly.
The whole point of this is to just not be focused on looks.
(Bobby laughs) Look who it is, y'all.
It's Cousin Demarquill.
Oh, right.
How much we bet? A hundred? Yeah, yeah, and she's not even wearing makeup.
Yeah, and "she" also has a name.
And a personality.
And a master's degree.
Yeah, we didn't bet on any of that stuff.
All right, see you in there, Cousin Demarquill.
Jerrod, you making bets on my appearance is totally degrading.
Why, you mad 'cause you didn't get in on the betting? No, I don't want any of this money.
Well, what do you want, Maxine? I mean, everybody's saying you're pretty, and you and I damn well know that you look like you just broke out of a women's prison.
Now, I want to be on your side, Maxine, but I'm not sure what your side is.
Maxine, is all the attention you're getting from being beautiful not enough? Now you need attention from my whole family because you're beautiful even without trying? Who do you think you are, Alicia Keys? Okay.
Fine.
We're all superficial.
Is that what you want to hear? I have been complimented on my looks my entire life.
My nose? It's perfectly symmetrical.
And whenever people ask me if I've ever had braces, I lie, because I am too ashamed to tell them that my teeth are naturally perfectly straight and white like columns of a Roman temple.
And every day, when I get catcalled or unsolicited phone numbers on my coffee cup, I'm reminded of the fact that my looks are all people are ever going to see.
And there's nothing I can do about it, so Are you happy? Now, can everyone please just get over how incredible I look, for once?! Damn, Maxine.
Maxine that was very, very ugly.
Today wasn't supposed to be about you, Maxine.
Today was supposed to be about two lovely young lesbians.
Nekeisha? Todd, what do you want? I'm sorry I flaked on you.
Apology accepted.
Now, let's show these lesbians what they missing out on.
Well, you win some, you lose some.
I'm going home.
Can't believe I said all that.
Am I a monster? Yeah, a little bit.
But, you're a beautiful monster.
I just really wanted to believe that the world wasn't so superficial.
Look, Maxine, I really respect what you were trying to do.
Okay? And, for what it's worth, I do value who you are as a person way more than I do your looks.
So much so, that (sighs) if you got in some sort of disfiguring car accident, I wouldn't leave you.
But, if you got some type of brain injury, and you were as hot as you are now, I'd have sex with you one last time, then I'd get out of there.
That's how much I value your personality.
I'm taking that $300.
Mmm.
You know, if you wore lipstick, we could have made $1,000.