The Cleveland Show s03e04 Episode Script

Okay, break time's over.
Disengage autopilot.
Whoo-hoo! Skip Day! Cutting school! I'm homeschooled.
This is a normal day.
You hear that, Cleveland? It's Skip Day.
Remember Skip Day? Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry.
Wow, Terry, you're really good at deep-throating stuff.
No wonder you're so popular with the ladies.
Cleveland, you're up.
Belly flop, belly flop, belly flop, belly flop.
Piranhas! Oh, no! Skip Day! Cleveland all right! My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a man for whom an introduction is always necessary, Principal Wally Farquhar.
Thank you, subordinate.
And welcome parents.
I've called you all here today to witness the public scolding of each student who skipped school yesterday.
They're all awful, awful children.
Shame on you.
Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you, shame on you, Good for you, good for you, shame on you good for you.
and shame on you.
There is one student who will avoid the wrath of the finger of shame.
Oh, God.
The only student in a quarter century to attend school on Skip Day-- Cleveland Brown Jr.
Loser! You suck! Why didn't you tell me Junior went to school yesterday? I wasn't here.
It was Skip Day.
Cleveland Brown Jr.
will receive an award named after the last student to attend school on Skip Day-- the Wallace Farquhar Award of Attendance Excellence, known internationally as The Farky.
This is Cleveland Brown Jr.
's first nomination and first win for his role as Brown-Nosing Tool in Brown-Nosing Tool Goes to School on Skip Day.
I want to thank my daddy, all the teachers and my alarm clock.
You can go to bed now, Larry.
Wow.
Get off the stage! Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Look, Junior, you know I think you're a great kid.
Thank you Quiet.
But if you want other people to respect you you can't always blindly follow the rules.
But rules are our friends.
Well, if you want any real friends, you better start standing up to authority, or you'll end up lamer than Ben Stiller's career.
This Christmas the Fockers are on the move.
Sorry, but the job's in Montana.
Then Montana, here I come.
Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro in Butte Fockers.
That's right, Butte Fockers.
As long as you keep paying to watch, we'll keep farting them out.
Vroom, vroom.
Rallo's got a need for speed, and Rallo lives his life one quarter mile at a time.
And roads? Where Rallo's going, he don't need Oh, man, this is bad! Oh, look what God made me do.
All part of his plan.
Junior, I don't ever want to see you laughed at like that again.
Walk much? So anyway, from this moment on, I don't want you to follow anybody else's rules.
I want you to be a renegade.
Okay.
See? That's exactly what I'm talking about.
Don't say okay to everything.
Sorry.
And don't say sorry all the time.
Okay.
No! Oh, forget it.
Just go to bed.
Okay.
Sorry.
Dang it, Junior, it's only 6:30.
I thought it seemed early.
Then why were you going to bed? 'Cause you told me to, Daddy.
That's exactly why you shouldn't.
Here, chug this beer.
I'm not 21.
Plus, I'm on allergy medication that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol.
But if you say so.
I'm sorry, we did all we could.
He's dead.
Junior, please don't leave me! Okay.
Aw, you're hopeless! It was just a silly little mistake, Rallo.
Everyone makes mistakes.
Even God.
I mean, black people with freckles? What's up with that? Oh, cool, a meteor fell in front of our house.
Oh, my God, it's Kendra! Help! We need help! She can't fit in the ambulance.
Get the crane.
I've seen a horsefly, and I've seen a dragonfly, but I never thought I'd see an elephant fly.
We'll return to The Wonderfully Racist World of Disney after this.
Sure thing, colorful singing robot toy.
Anything you say.
Boop-beep-bap-boo-beep-beep.
Junior, what are you doing? Obeying the musical commands of my robotic overlord.
See, this is the problem, Junior.
You're always following the rules.
You've got to stand up to authority.
Larry! Larry's going away-- unless you stand up to me and take him back.
Put him down, Daddy.
He doesn't know your scent.
Does he know this scent? No! He's my friend! Fight me! I'm not gonna fight you.
Come on! Stop it, Daddy! He has a family! Damn it, I said stop it! Daddy, I'm stronger than you.
Well, one lucky punch does not You're a dead man.
So, son hell of a sucker punch you got in there the other day.
You told him to stand up to you, and then he beat your ass.
What'd you say, Junior?! You think you're a tough guy now? No.
That's it! Let's see you try to hit me when I've got my dukes up.
Boom! Get yo money! Get yo money! Oh, sure, it's real easy to sucker punch a man when he has his fists up.
But I'd like to see you try it when he gets on a table, grabs a frying pan, distracts you by saying there's something out the window, and then, when your back is turned, knocks you out cold.
Please don't.
Junior, look outside! There's a double rainbow! What does it mean? Whoa! (glass breaking, tin clinking) My mustache! I can't feel my mustache! Oh, my goodness, what has happened to Miss Kendra? I ask this question because I have been away at rehabilitation for quote, unquote, exhaustion.
Someone crashed into Kendra.
Leave the scab alone! Here.
Have some cheese diddles.
Hit-and-run, but Kendra got a good look at the bastard before he got away, and she sketched out a little drawing.
Look familiar? No.
This white, Chinese, or Latino woman does not look familiar to me at all.
Well, when I find whoever did this I'm gonna avenge my fat, disgusting wife.
Oh, Lester.
Pew! Watch out for that one.
Got to get rid of the evidence.
Vroom.
Vroom.
Well, my oldest friend, you deserve better, but we don't always get what we deserve.
See you! Aah, son of a bitch! Now, from the bruising here, it seems his boy caught him in the nose, in the cheek, and basically removed everything down here.
Come on, Cleveland, snap out of it.
Zing us back.
Yeah, come on, rib us for your pleasure.
We're all gonna die.
There he is! No, Tim.
Like Lopez Tonight, there's nothing funny about this.
After I got beat up by my son, then got beat up again, I had an epi-piphany.
With each year, Junior gets stronger and I just get weaker.
My best years are behind me.
I'm old.
We're all old.
I'm four.
As I have but little time left on this earth, I hereby make the following bequeathments.
To Rallo, I leave my library of vintage nudie mags, which he may not look at until he is nine years old.
To Roberta, I leave 365 yellow shirts.
And to my son, Cleveland Rog Rerun Dwayne Brown Jr.
, I will surely leave nothing.
For he hath already taken everything from me.
Amen.
Cleveland, what the hell are you doing? Dying.
So, I finished my will.
The good news is you'll be taken care of for six to eight weeks.
You're not planning to eat out, are you? You know I like my Boston Market.
Two weeks.
You're not dying, Cleveland.
You just need a little cheering up.
How about you splash around in the Tubbs? Good idea.
A warm bath with some Epsom salts is just what these tired old bones need.
Old.
Don't have to acknowledge them.
I may just leave that man.
Okay, that's great.
Good job.
Now, let's try something a little wild.
Loosen up a little bit.
I'm so cold.
Did I take my pill? Where's my cardigan? Daddy? Get back! I'm not carrying any money! Dad, I'm worried about you.
What do you say we go to the movies? Leave the house? Everyone will point and laugh at the weak old man who got beat up by his son.
Oh, Larry, I've got to help my dad.
You know, that guy with the mustache who just walked by.
Well, who did you think that was? What the hell would Danny Glover be doing in our house?! Shooting a movie, he says.
Hey, kids.
Any luck finding your perp? Nope.
But I'm seriously considering expanding our efforts beyond standing here on the porch.
I'm gonna ride Ride like the wind To be free again And I've got such a long way to go Such a long way to go.
Baby, I found him.
Holt's a dead man.
You know, I think I like cocking this thing more than I like shooting it.
Who are any of these people? Junior! My God! What happened to you?! Maybe I was beat up, maybe it's Maybelline.
Sweet illusions and fake contusions! But why? For Daddy.
I told everyone at school and everyone in town that my daddy beat me up.
Broke an arm, too.
Wink-wink.
So now he can hold his head up high as the guy who's still strong enough to beat up his own son.
Oh, Junior, what have you done? Donna, we need a phone with large buttons.
Must be that mischievous neighbor boy.
I'll get it.
Cleveland Brown? In my youth.
We got a report that you beat up your son.
Yep! He kicked my ass! Say what, son? You're under arrest for child abuse.
The hell I am! Wait a minute, that's my Maybelline? Don't you ever go in my makeup box again! Uh, bye, Cleveland.
That was Len Stein.
They're holding your father through the weekend.
Do Jews ever have good news? Oh, this is a nightmare.
I can't believe Daddy's in jail.
What was I thinking?! I don't know.
But now you're the man of the house.
Now, your father had a lot of chores, and you're gonna have to take care of them.
First up, I need you to relocate the pet cemetery from one corner of the backyard to the other.
Oh, Daddy, you don't belong in jail.
I should be the only man kissing you good night.
And I will be.
Holt, you have to listen to me.
Can't.
Got to bounce.
Mom's taking a nap.
Free time.
Wait, Holt! You're in terrible trouble! Oh, man.
Enjoy the ride! I sure hope he don't break nothing.
You cut his brakes?! Look, Mr.
and Mrs.
Krinklesac, there's something I need to tell you.
You know how the Bible's all about forgiveness? And vengeance.
And loving thy neighbor.
And killing sodomites! Let me start over.
You ever read The Berenstain Bears Forgive a Hit-and-Run Driver? I'm sorry I lied to you.
You know, Rallo, it takes a lot of guts to admit to something way after the fact and when you've put another man's life in danger.
Let's go save Holt! But I'm telling you, I wanted him to beat me up! This is all my fault! Son, all victims of abuse feel like it's their fault.
And I'll say to you what I say to them.
That's what you get for standing near Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Oh.
Daddy! Daddy! Whoa there, son, you're safe now.
Just cooperate with us and we'll see to it that your father is locked up for a very long time.
A very long time.
A very long time.
A very long time.
Very long time.
I can't live like this! I need my daddy! Uh-oh.
Give me my daddy! Junior, I don't think we should Shut the hell up and drive! Yes, sir.
I hear him! There he is! Holt, stop! Airing it out! Faster! Faster! No way, Junior.
If a police car gets a speeding ticket, we could open up a paradox that could destroy us all.
'Sup? I got a idea.
Step on it! Now! And I thought these things smelled bad on the outside.
Baby? Kendra? Say something.
Sorry.
Don't be sorry, honey.
Enjoy your scab.
You deserve it.
Go, Junior, go! You're awesome! We think you're cool now! Junior, look at you.
Brandishing a stolen gun, jacking a police car, and leading the entire force on a high-speed chase.
You're standing up to authority.
You're right! I am! Course, I'm still the guy who's weaker than his son.
No, you're not.
You're the guy who beat up his son and went to jail for it.
I won't tell anyone.
All this time, I thought I was teaching you.
But it was you who was Teaching? School! I've never missed school! I think we can all agree that anyone would have ended up in the same situation if their son had gone to school on Skip Day.
So, what do you say? Friends?