The Conners (2018) s03e04 Episode Script

1 Any good news in there? Yeah, it says older gentlemen live longer when fed.
You've totally spoiled him by making him breakfast every morning.
Well, I find when he's full, he's tired and doesn't give me no lip.
That's right, you don't want to see me hungry.
There used to be another kid around here.
There's a problem with the chickens.
The problem is that we have chickens.
I'm really worried.
They've stopped laying eggs.
There was only one this morning.
If they're on strike, let's send a message by barbequeing the ring leader.
Morning, everybody! Uh-oh! Darlene's in a good mood! You better move your weed out of that face cream jar.
How do you know what's in my face cream jar? Relax.
I was just trying to steal your face cream.
Hey, I do not need to be stoned to be in a good mood.
Exercise and a job well done is the best high you can get.
That just tells me that there's a whole class of drugs you haven't tried yet.
What are we gonna do about the chickens? We've had them, but no one's ever taken a minute to learn how to care for them.
If we didn't do it for our kids, we're not gonna do it for chickens.
Ah, you know, my brother Neville is a vet.
He mostly works on big animals, but I don't think he'd charge us to come over and take a look.
That would be great.
They're my emotional support chickens.
That may be a sign I'm failing him as a parent.
I didn't know your brother was a vet.
Yeah.
He's even on call at the zoo.
I thought Lanford Zoo went out of business.
It's still open.
Beverly Rose got bored because it's mostly empty cages.
But she did enjoy a rat fighting a crow over a cigarette butt.
Hey.
I have great news.
You're still happy? This has lasted minutes.
You're not gonna believe this.
I'm pregnant.
Really? Yes, really.
Why would I joke about that? I don't know.
Sometimes you say things you think are funny but are just confusing, but that doesn't matter because you're pregnant! We can raise our babies together.
We can go to Mommy and Me and we don't have to talk to any of the other mothers at all! And Mark is great and Harris is Harris, so this baby will be like the tiebreaker.
When did you find out? I took a test this morning, but I haven't had my period in two months and I've been feeling moody lately.
No, no, no, it's different than the usual moodiness.
There's ups, not just down and downer.
Oh, Ben must be so excited.
I can't wait to tell him.
I mean, this couldn't come at a better time.
He told me he was okay with us not having a baby, but I know he was just saying that to make me feel okay.
Oh.
It means a lot that you told me first.
Oh, yeah, well, I wanted to show you that you're not the only one who can have a risky, old-lady pregnancy.
And I'm gonna have to have it right here on the afghan 'cause we got no health insurance.
You're having a baby! I'm having a baby.
Aah! 3x04 Birthdays, Babies and Emotional Support Chickens I'm an independent young woman, and you don't tell me who to marry.
And also, you are a bear.
Hey, Sweet Pea.
Your daddy promised me that you'd be taking a nap at this time every day.
Uh, either of you seen him? Five-ten, dark hair, big liar.
He tried to get Beverly Rose to go to sleep.
Ahhhhhh! Emilio, how many times can we talk about this? If she doesn't nap, she's a nightmare for me when I get home.
This is the only time I get to play with the baby.
If you tell your papá that I'm here, I can come to your house.
Are you out of your mind? If I tell him you snuck back into the States, he'll punch you back to Juarez.
Well, you better tell him before the baby's birthday because we should have the party at your place.
Why can't we have it here? It's just a cupcake with a candle in it.
A cupcake and a candle? Do you hate the baby? Sometimes.
Why? For my first birthday party, I was lowered down from the roof with angel wings onto a golden-sprayed pony.
Did they have your birthday at Burning Man? She's a one-year-old.
She's not gonna remember any of this.
I don't want to waste all that money.
But she will see the pictures.
And when she grows up, she'll look back and see how loved she was.
Ah, the Conners don't work that way.
We assume we were loved, but it's kind of like a perfect crime.
There's no hard evidence.
I'm not a Conner.
I'm a Rodriguez.
And in my family, the first birthday is important.
It's almost as important as the baptism.
Hang on, I never agreed to any baptism.
Wait, she's got to be Catholic.
No, she doesn't.
I'm not sure if I want to raise her in any specific religion yet.
A child needs to have a religion.
They have to think that God is watching or or or they'll do bad things.
Like getting girls pregnant in freezers? Do you know how many Hail Mary's that cost me? How about this? You can have a party, but don't make it crazy.
You can have music, a cake, and a piñata.
That's it.
Okay.
Uh, what if I invited our priest to the party and there was a punch bowl filled with holy water and he accidentally mistakes Beverly Rose for a cup and dips her? You're really cute.
No priest.
That'll only attract God, and God has been trying to pick off the Conners one-by-one for years.
If we're all in the same place at the same time, he only needs one lightning bolt to take us out.
I want to make him work for it.
Oh, man.
I starving.
That is good because I made you lunch.
Really? Is this a trick? You take the first bite.
Don't be silly.
If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead.
Oh, well, look at that.
It's an itty-bitty carrot, a tiny corn, and a candy bar.
No.
It's a baby carrot, a baby corn, and a Baby Ruth bar.
Yeah.
Come on.
Use that big, furry brain of yours.
What do all those things have in common? Uh, it They are all disappointing when you're expecting lunch? You're so stupid, I'm sorry I'm having a baby with you.
We're having a baby? - Yup.
- No! Oh, my God! Yes! Yes! Oh, we're gonna have the best baby ever! Oh, you know, when the doctor said the odds were against us and I said I'd be okay about not having one, but I was totally lying.
Oh, man! Oh, man! Who's the mom? You're the mom! Yes, I am! How are the chickens? This is Dr.
Neville.
He's Louise's brother.
He's a vet.
Okay, don't pull any punches.
I buried my sister.
I can handle whatever is going on here.
Dr.
Neville says that the chickens need more protein.
I think we've got weevils in the flour.
- I'll go strain 'em out.
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
Hi, Jackie.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You won't remember me, but I-I remember you.
I used to watch you practice your rifle twirling.
She did that in high school.
You were two.
Oh, he probably saw me in the park.
I used to practice for parades when I was on the police drill team.
Uh-huh.
Well, if you ever, uh, start practicing again, um, I am a fan.
Well, that's very sweet of you, Neville, but my performing days are behind me.
You can't bring a rifle to a park like you used to.
Hey, you know what? How about I stop by the diner with some vitamins for the chickens, and I'll bring a broom, and maybe you can teach me a couple of those twirls.
Brooms are for beginners, Neville.
You don't put Michael Phelps back in the kiddy pool.
Good to see ya.
Great seeing you, and can't wait to catch up with you at the diner.
Uh-huh.
Well, well, someone likes the crazy lady.
I hope not because I'm on a journey of self-discovery and reflection.
I don't have time for any men.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm such a mess.
That's a relief.
He's a really sweet guy.
Hey! What are you trying to say? I don't deserve a sweet guy? You said you don't have time for men.
You're right.
I don't.
I'm not in a place to date.
Good.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Can't we all just agree that there's something wrong with you? Yes! Thank you.
Tell her.
What are you doing here? I came to measure the backyard for the party.
But I haven't told my dad yet.
Well, why not? I'm waiting for the right time, but he's still alive.
I will go tell him right now.
No.
I'll do it.
Just stay there.
Hey there, Dad.
Hey there, Becky.
Look at that.
The one time you're watching TV without a beer.
That's too bad.
What's up, Becky? Ah, nothing.
Just feeling bad for Emilio.
Getting dragged out of this country unfairly when all he wanted was the American dream.
If he walks in here right now, I'm going to kill him.
Okay, there's no good way to do this.
Emilio! Hello, Dan.
Hello, Emilio.
My, oh, my, has it been two years already? Because that's how long you were supposed to stay in Mexico before you could come back here legally.
That's exactly what I said the night he showed up.
It's crazy how alike we are.
I love you, Dad.
I I understand why you're mad at me, Dan.
Do you? Is it because you married my daughter behind my back? Or because you're risking being dragged away from your daughter for good? Or C, all of the above? I already missed a year of Beverly Rose's life.
I'm not gonna miss more.
I am here for her.
No, no, you're here for you.
She's going to go to bed every night wondering if you're gonna be here tomorrow! Is that what you want? I'm not going back.
Then we're done here.
- Dan - Get out of my way, son.
Dad, stop.
Please.
I know you're upset right now, but we're gonna have a party for Beverly Rose, and if you kill him on her birthday, it's gonna be hard for her every year.
Not a problem.
'Cause I'm not going.
Hey, Jackie.
Back again I see.
I know.
But I couldn't help it.
I found this little bird mirror to hang in your coop.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings, so I let it slide when you came here with the chicken vitamins, and now you show up with this.
I think it's time for you to look at yourself in the tiny mirror and ask yourself, "What am I doing?" I like you.
I want to go out with you.
Neville, I'm poison.
The only common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me.
Well, you just haven't found the right guy yet.
Did you get kicked in the head by a horse? Nope.
All right.
All right, I didn't want to have to do this.
But, um, you and I are gonna have to go out for coffee.
You, me, and my demons, and we are gonna start out with my childhood hatred of my mother.
And then we're gonna work our way up through my last failed relationship, which was a thrupple.
And then you're going to get up and say you have to go to the bathroom, and I'll never see you again, and that will be that.
This is great.
I know a place that has the best coffee.
Y-Y-You got kicked.
Hi, Doctor Davis.
It's been 13 years since I was pregnant.
Have the rules changed? Can I eat sushi? Smoke? Drink? Looking for something to take the edge off of this thing.
I'm sorry, Darlene.
You're not pregnant.
What? Yes, I am.
The stick said I was.
You think you're smarter than a stick? I'm looking at your blood test.
You got a false-positive.
Wow.
Um Okay.
Uh, well, I guess we'll just try again.
One of the reasons you got a false-positive is because your FSH levels are elevated.
You're in perimenopause.
Well, that's impossible.
I'm too young to be in any sort of pause.
I'm 43.
That's not young.
Look, I really think you should just test me again, okay? It's not gonna change, Darlene.
Well, I can still have kids, right? Well, with your other issues, I-I'm afraid not.
Uh, just give me a moment to get my notes together.
What are you watching? The end of my child-bearing years.
Is that a Lifetime movie? Is that Stanley Tucci? Is my dad here? No.
He told me to call him when Emilio left.
Hey, Aunt Becky, check these balloons out.
Oh, that is so cute! Custom balloons? Those are expensive.
Well, at least when they fall into the ocean, the whales will be able to identify which little girl is choking them.
Uh, yeah, I thought that, uh, you should know that your brother and I are going out for coffee, but I will prove to him that I'm a toxic cloud, and anyone who gets mixed up with me is headed for certain disaster.
Do not agree with me! Hey, Becky, check out my dummy.
Emilio rented him for me.
I'm gonna do a routine at the birthday party.
We're doing a bit for the kids about why it's so important to wear masks.
That's not why you're wearing masks.
You just don't want anyone to see your lips moving.
They're not moving.
Watch.
See? They're not moving at all.
He really doesn't understand how this works.
I got to talk to Emilio.
Emilio.
What are you doing? Well, you said I could have some music, a piñata, some games, and a cake.
But you didn't say how much I could spend.
This cake is crazy.
Is another baby gonna jump out of it? How much did all of this cost? It doesn't matter.
You could've put this money away for college.
I told you I didn't want this big of a party.
It is not just your decision.
I'm the papá.
I am tired of asking you for permission to do things for my daughter.
You don't get it.
I almost didn't tell you I was pregnant because I didn't want anyone else interfering with the way I raised my baby.
You have all the cards.
You have custody.
I am undocumented.
If you think I'm interfering, then why am I here? This is just hard for me.
Okay? I went through the pregnancy alone.
I've been raising her alone.
And now all of a sudden you're here, and I'm not used to sharing her.
I just want what's best for Beverly Rose.
I know you do.
You're a good dad.
And the one thing that a good dad does is make sure that his daughter isn't living in hell for all of eternity because she wasn't baptized.
Okay.
Doesn't mean she's a Catholic, but we'll dunk her.
And don't be surprised if she sizzles.
That's just the Conner leaving her body.
Hey.
I got a little gift for Beverly Rose.
All the toy stores were closed, so I hope she likes rice.
I think she'll like shaking the box, though.
It's fun.
Whoa, ho, ho, ho! Hey, little mama, you shouldn't be drinking that.
The baby will come out all Jimmy Buffett.
Doesn't matter.
I'm not pregnant.
I would've told you yesterday, but I was looking for the right time, and there just isn't one.
Oh, hey, that's okay.
It's all right.
We did it once.
We can do it again.
No, we can't.
I'm in perimenopause.
The doctor says that, um, I can't have another baby.
I should've known.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
You know, I I know how much you really wanted this baby.
Oh, look.
Hey.
I only said all that stuff because I was excited, okay? The only thing that matters is that I love you.
I love you, too.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Are you really okay? Yes, absolutely.
Are you lying? Yeah.
Are you lying? Absolutely.
Hey, if you guys don't want to be the godparents now, I'll understand.
Oh, no.
No, we'll be fine.
Yeah.
What exactly are our responsibilities again? Well, if Emilio and I die, you're supposed to continue the baby's religious life.
So, you guys would be totally dead at that point and you'd have no idea whether we actually did it or not? Yes.
You can count on us.
I'd like to welcome everyone who came here today to celebrate this gift from God.
What name have you given your child? Beverly Rose.
And what do you ask of God's Church for her? We were hoping you could do the whole baptism thing on her.
Eternal life.
Can the godparents step forward? You thinking what I'm thinking? We can outrun Becky, but we'll never outrun Emilio.
I now trace the cross on your forehead.
Almighty God, you sent your only son to rescue us from the slavery of sin.
You came.
I was on my way to the liquor store, thought I'd drop by.
Thanks for being here.
I'm only doing this because years from now, she's gonna look at those pictures, and I want her to know that I loved her.
Hey.
I'm so sorry I'm late, I had to perform surgery.
We just found out that the two-hump camel at the zoo is actually just a one-hump camel with the biggest tumor I've ever seen.
Well, let's do this.
- Great.
- Okay.
My first memory is of my mother standing over my crib, blaming me for not being a boy.
And when I called her Mommy, she said, "There's no reason for us to be so familiar.
"