The Detour (2016) s03e04 Episode Script
The Goal
1 Look what Uncle Joey found.
Evidentiary manilas.
All right, let's see what we have here.
What is this? A llama? Alpaca.
Town mayor.
It died.
Our son beat his son in an election, and now our son's the new mayor.
- What? - Out of context, it sounds stupid.
Oh, boy.
Someone doesn't like you.
Look at this.
[Whistles.]
Oh, my stars and garters.
Looks like we found the object of her desire.
Dude, she ain't right in the head.
- Tell me about it.
- Did she ever make contact? A little bit.
Let's go, let's go! Come on, come on, come on! Heads up, heads up! Martin, get that penguin in the game, or I will pull you! Come on! - Let's go! - [Whistle blows.]
What the hell was that, Stripes? He was offside.
The penguin was offside, not him.
Come on, coach, look around.
Who's your show for? Have a little fun.
And call me Todd.
- Eat shit, Todd.
- [Whistle blows.]
Let's go, let's go! I'm seeing a lot of dancing, - not a lot of skating.
- [Cellphone vibrates.]
Coach, I-I-I just need a second.
Hey, thanks for calling me back.
Listen, I need to ask a really big favor of you, okay? Um, I have this friend.
Fight for the puck! And then I was hoping you could maybe run a comm tap on him for me.
- [Whistle blows.]
- Oh, come on, Stripes! Take that call back to Wuss-illa! No, no.
I'm just I'm just helping him out.
I'm his assistant coach and friend.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! Dig, dig, dig, dig! [Whistle blows.]
Slashing, that's 5! What? He was all over my shit! This is my crease! My crease, God damn it! Like father, like daughter! Get off my crease! - [Whistle blowing.]
- Parker, on your feet.
Go sit in the back for your sister, would you? You have to be on the ice to take the penalty.
Go sit in the box! I'm going, I'm going.
Hey! Skate guards off.
God, who does that? I am just really getting to know Nate now.
He's really starting to trust me.
And the weird thing is, he is not the idiot I thought he was.
He's actually a really great dad and a damn fine hockey coach.
[Slamming.]
Oh, can you be professional, please? He's a surveillance target.
Just get me the tap.
I'll show you roughing, Todd! Oh, God, I got to go.
I've been to your house, Todd.
You can't see Russia! She never said that! Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
[Sighs.]
Oh, damn it.
Nate! Oh.
Damn it.
[Skype call ringing.]
Hey, babe! How you feeling? Terrible.
How's, uh, how's the trip? Uh, it's pretty good.
We're having a good time.
Everyone's in good spirits, considering how much we suck.
Isn't that right, guys? [Kids cheer.]
Hey, listen.
I was thinking maybe after my shift tomorrow, I could come to Anchorage to see you guys.
What was that? You're breaking up, babe.
Oh, well, I'm not moving.
I'm not getting any of that.
Here, talk to the kids.
No.
No, I wanted to ta Hey! Hey, Mr.
Mayor.
Try finding a better spot.
You're breaking up.
Yeah, like I said, I'm not moving.
Maybe you should stop moving.
Edie: [Scottish accent.]
Can't stop moving.
We're on a bus, mate, all the way to the Highlands of Scotland.
Who is that? Wh-Who is that? [Scottish accent.]
That's Scottish! You know, the one you can't do.
No, I know I know the accent, - but who was doing it? - I was! No, there was a woman's voice.
That was Edie.
- Who? - You don't know Edie? - No.
- Oh, right.
Why would you? Dad calls her his hockey wife.
She's just really cool.
You'd love her.
She's the best at accents.
Well, I'm I'm not too shabby at accents, either.
Listen to this one.
[Bad Indian accent.]
Tiki masala Birde-num-na Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
Hey, sweetie, are you having fun? Listening to music that's new.
Yeah, Edie let me listen to her show tune library.
- She's awesome.
- I'm enjoying them, too, but don't tell the boys back home.
What happens in Anchorage stays in Anchorage.
Feel better, sweetie.
Do you need Moishe to bring you a little broth or something? Maybe half a tuna fish sandwich? No, no, I'm okay.
[Coughs.]
Is Nate still around? Is Can I talk to Nate? Oh, hi, hello.
Can you get Coach Nate? Do you know who Coach Nate is? Coach Nate.
I need Coach Nate.
He's with our nice ass coach, Edie.
Uh what? She's bent over in front of Coach Nate.
He looks very happy, and he is never happy.
[Whispers.]
She's got blue underwear! Sweetie, can you can you turn the camera around so I can see what you're looking at? - Nate.
- [Nate laughs.]
Hey, Nate! Okay, bye! No, no, no, no! Ooh, that's a good one.
That's a good one.
[Irish accent.]
I I I I can't believe you haven't met Robin yet, who was on the phone there.
I'm still doing Scottish, aren't I? Shit.
[Irish accent.]
I can't believe she hasn't been to one of our games.
Ah, she don't like hockey.
Mm.
Sounds like a bit of a puckin' icehole.
Oh, that's harsh.
Ooh, sounds like a lass who doesn't appreciate - [Normal voice.]
Ahh! Whoa! - [Normal voice.]
Oh! [Groans.]
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Ooh! [Irish accent.]
Bumpy roads.
Right, yeah.
Aye.
[Skype call ringing.]
Hey, hi.
Can you get Nate for me? Him and Edie are busy doing accents.
Okay, well, show him this accent 'cause I'm pretty good, too.
Watch.
John Dunbar.
John Dunbar T-Tonk Oh, shit! [Beep.]
Edie: Hey.
So, about that comm tap, I've had a change of heart.
I-I don't want to rush into anything.
I mean, He's still a person of interest, but I think sometimes it's easy to forget that he's a person.
And interesting.
- Hey! - Hey.
Oh, you don't have to get off 'cause of me.
Oh, no.
I came out to drown my sorrows.
Oh, yeah.
No, I was getting off.
It was my ex.
I never really got off with him.
[Chuckles.]
He was married.
To his job.
What was that? He was married to his job! What was his job? Oh, okay, got it.
Um, he was in law enforcement.
- Oh, cool, what kind? - Yeah.
Um - He was a truck cop.
- Truck cop? - Yep.
- I don't know what that is.
It's like USPIS, but for trucks.
You know, if there's one thing I learned living up here, you don't have to make shit up.
Nobody cares about what you did in the lower 48.
- Just be yourself.
- Be myself? - Yeah.
- It's me.
It's just I mean, this place is weird.
It's 11:00 p.
m.
, and it looks like noon.
It does.
The only way to get by is to drown your sorrows.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah.
- Alaska's finest boxed wine.
[Laughs.]
- Uh, do you want some? - Yeah, yes, please.
- Nothing but the best.
- Here, let me help you.
- Big game tomorrow.
- I know! Right? All right, that's perfect.
That's good, that's good, that's good.
Someone's got to drink it.
It's either I drink it or - Or - or I drink it.
- Oh! - Hey, get back to bed! It's the middle of the night.
- What's that kid's name? - I have no idea.
God, I'm such a shitty coach.
You're pretty terrible.
To former lives.
So, where'd you meet your wife? That was a terrible segue that made it sound like I think she's your former wife, but she's your current wife.
Eh, wife is a relative term.
She's this is our life is pretty crazy.
Why, is it, like, 'cause of her dad or something? Weird, but yes, actually.
[Chuckles.]
Wow, that is so weird.
Where does he live? [Woman moaning.]
Oh, shit.
[Whispers.]
Did you hear that? [Laughs.]
[Moaning.]
That's what I'm talking about.
Actually, you were talking about your father-in-law.
Gayle: Oh, my God.
God, it's deep! Oh, my God.
That's Gayle.
- I know.
- Too deep! Too deep! Wait, no, I didn't say stop.
Oh, well.
I didn't know Moishe came.
I don't think he did.
[Man grunting, groaning.]
I stand corrected! Yes, he did.
He came hard.
[Laughs.]
And for a very long time.
That's over-compensating.
Is it still happening? He's st Oh, sh - Hi.
- Hey.
We were Just checking things.
You know, it's nice to hear Moishe came.
No.
That's it.
Busted! [Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
Yes.
Moishe, my my my husband, who I love dearly, he drove down here.
You know, just a few minutes ago, actually.
It was a really nice surprise 'cause that's what married couples do.
You know, they do things like that for each other.
Straight Jack: You don't got to make stuff up, Gayle.
There's no shame in this walk.
They know the score.
We're all just consenting adults burning a little latex.
- We didn't burn any latex.
- No, no one's burning anything.
Not yet.
Night's still young.
Okay, so I'm gonna I'm gonna Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Get home safe.
- Yeah, okay, okay.
That's the sideways walk of a satisfied woman.
Nighty night.
[Door closes.]
- Oh, wow.
- Straight Jack.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
I mean, what kind of grown-ups wear condoms, though? - Losers.
- Dummies.
- You snip.
That's what I did.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - Cut it off.
We're not having any more kids.
She wants more kids.
I put some on ice, in case.
- I donated it.
- Oh.
Who's gonna pay those storage fees, right? - Yeah.
- Got rid of them.
[Laughs.]
You know, give it away, nice guy.
- Help a stranger out, right? - Sure, yeah.
Um - anyway.
- Nope.
- [Chuckles.]
I'm wasted.
- Mm-hmm.
- I should - Okay.
- See you tomorrow.
Big game.
- Yeah.
Room's that way, forgot.
- Nope.
- It's not.
It's not, it's that way.
- Yep, yep, yep.
Okay, good night! - Good night! We're going postal Yeah, we're going postal We're going postal We're going postal Edie: July 10th.
I have continued to make progress with Nate.
I think he may be having some issues in his personal life.
Complications that may ultimately prove useful.
Pinky July 13th.
Nate Parker is a good man and an even better father.
He's the kind of guy July 22nd.
Today we just rode bikes.
I feel great.
I got him a bigger saddle, and he I feel like we challenge one another, you know? We set goals, then try to shatter those goals.
Holy shit! [Sirens wailing.]
- What the hell were you thinking?! - I'm sorry.
She went full Donnie Brasco on me! You should have known she was an undercover Fed.
I mean, she was the best at accents.
- Who does she work for? - USPIS.
- What the hell is that? - Oh, I don't know.
Only the oldest, most vital federal law-enforcement agency - in the country! - Sorry.
We're screwed.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
- What did that do? - That was my shake move.
Following the road is your shake move? [Sirens wailing.]
[Tires squeal.]
- She's such a badass.
- She's beautiful.
It's her confidence that makes her so attractive.
I'm confident.
Right? Mostly.
I mean, I think I'm confident sometimes.
- No? - Nate.
Nate Parker.
Why does she want you? Nate.
Nate Parker.
What? Nate Parker, get out of the car.
No, no, we're not going down without a fight.
You won't win! She's better than you.
I know that, but we at least have to try.
No! We're giving up.
Why, because you're in love with her? I'm sorry.
No, no, no, please, Nate, I know you're gonna be happier burning latex with her, but still, come on! Oh, almost paradise You can put your hands down.
Here.
On my ass, Coach.
I see what you did there.
It's clever.
She's so much better at sexy banter than you, too.
How could we ask for more? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't know if I can do this.
What do you see in her that you don't see in me? [Farting.]
[Groaning.]
[Farting continues.]
Oh! I got to be honest, I don't know.
[Laughing.]
So fat! She thinks hockey is stupid.
Hockey is stupid.
She wasn't there for you.
I was providing for my family! How? By jizzing tartar sauce on men's fish sticks for underwear tips? They also have potato wedgies, and Nate's favorite, a clam-jam box.
I do like a good clam-jam.
It's still good.
That's Whoa.
Is that a squirrel hair? It's thick.
- Don't look at me like that.
- Oh.
Just ignore her.
Kids, come help me lift it up so daddy can find it.
I don't want to have to lift it up to find it.
I want it just to be there.
- It's right here.
- It sure is.
Oh, almost paradise I didn't know those came out in the daytime.
Where'd they come from? My eyes.
Get some.
- Almost - Delilah: Wake up! Ahh! [Gasping.]
Hi! Did you hear that? Yes, and so did they.
Okay, just go to sleep, everybody.
Just, one, two, three, close your eyes.
Sweet dreams.
Nighty night.
You want to explain yourself? Sometimes Dreams can be very easily explained.
And they aren't exactly what they look like on the sur Edie: Am I attracted to Nate Parker? Not! Oh, my God, I am.
What am I doing? He's a potential key witness.
Okay.
That can also be explained.
How? You have a crush on my dad? Why else would you be making recordings about him? Yes! Yes! [Laughing.]
Oh, God.
Busted.
I have a huge crush on your dad.
That is the only reason why I am making recordings about him.
It's just a little school-girl crush.
You were gyrating your hips like you were riding a snow machine.
And unless you have a snow machine named Nate Parker, it's a lot more than a school girl crush.
Nate: Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go! Skate, skate, skate! Come on! Six! That's six, too many men on the ice, Ref.
Give it a rest.
Eat a shitsicle, Ref.
No, wait, wait, sorry, I take that back.
Timeout, timeout, I need a timeout.
Come on, there's ten seconds left.
Ref, this is important, give me time! [Whistle blows.]
Nate: Okay, everybody, come on, huddle up.
Bring it in.
- [Slam!.]
- Come on, Jared.
Stay on the ground.
Stay on the ground.
Stay on the ground.
You know Shit.
Oh.
Okay.
Listen up.
Not long ago, I was like you guys, okay? I was a loser.
A complete piece of garbage, just fighting for everything and getting nothing.
I was completely goalless.
But then one day, this beautiful, vivacious, incredibly sexy woman walked into my life, and she changed all that.
She gave me purpose.
She gave me a goal, and that's all you guys need is one goal.
God, I'm sick of being on this loser team.
Hey, we're not down by that much, okay? - Stay positive.
- I'm talking about our family! I was rooting for you, and you give it up for that? I am so tired of losing.
From here on out, I'm on my own.
Out of my way, loser! All right, you heard the captain.
You're either with her or without her.
I say with her 'cause she's the best player on the team.
Let's go! [Pounding.]
Come on, get on your feet, Jared.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Yes, you caught that reference.
"With or Without You," yeah.
I love U2.
Whoo! Let's get some! Stay in the crease, stay in the crease.
What are you doing? Oh! [Clang.]
[Cheering.]
[Buzzer.]
Talk to the hand Just talk to my hand Here's to Super D, playing by her own rules.
Huh? Sweetie? What? Oh, come on.
Why are you mad at me now? I mean, your mom I get, but me? - Like you don't know.
- I don't.
Talk to my hand [Scattered applause.]
- Whoo! - Thank you! [Applause.]
Edie: So, um, excuse me.
Can I just have everybody's attention, please? There's something I would like to say.
Something I've been holding on to for quite a while.
- Well, here it comes.
- Here what comes? What are you talking about? Oh, don't pretend like you don't know, egging her on with that speech.
"[Mockingly.]
She gave me a goal!" First, I don't talk that way.
Second, that was about your mom.
I was a loser before I met her.
- [Normal voice.]
Oh.
- Your mom and I are rock solid, okay? We bend, we don't break.
Then this should be good.
So, in musicals, when they can no longer find the words to speak, they sing.
And, Coach, this is for you.
[Belches.]
I thought that dreams belonged to other men This is a weird song to be singing to you.
What? No.
It's from "Footloose.
" It's about sticking it to the man.
We stuck it to Talkeetna today, right? - Yes! - It's called "Almost Paradise.
" Yeah, and it wouldn't be paradise if you hadn't have scored that goal.
Come on, here's to us! Both: I face the nights alone How could I have known That all my life I only needed you - Nate! - She's singing right to you.
Yeah, 'cause I'm the coach.
Almost paradise We're knocking on heaven's door You sure that's the reason? That's yeah.
- Almost paradise - Yeah.
How could we ask for more I swear that I can see forever in your eyes Oh, yeah, you're right.
It doesn't mean anything.
Straight Jack's singing right to you, too.
- [Laughs.]
- Paradise Almost paradise We're knocking on heaven's door Excuse me.
Almost paradise Get in my arms here! Get in my arms! How could we ask for more I swear that I can see forever - What'd you bring? - I brought a clam-jam.
Yes! We're jamming clams, kids.
Hi, honey.
Oh, I missed you.
No one breaks up this family.
If anyone does it, it's gonna be me.
Paradise - Hey! - Nice, right? No, they'll stay here.
- You guys take care of the bill.
- [Coughing.]
I'm gonna go burn some latex.
Bye, kids.
Paradise We're very excited that you decided to give this another try.
I lost a little perspective, but I'm ready to make my life about me again.
Good.
Oh.
How about this guy? He went to Harvard.
Nerd.
I don't like that guy's hat.
He looks dirty.
Don't like glasses.
That guy looks like Gollum.
That guy looks like Gollum's dad.
Yeah, I I just really want someone who gets me, you know? It's gonna be a little hard with pictures.
No, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Paradise No, you don't want that guy.
He's not the best.
Yeah, well, he's not the worst.
Paradise
Evidentiary manilas.
All right, let's see what we have here.
What is this? A llama? Alpaca.
Town mayor.
It died.
Our son beat his son in an election, and now our son's the new mayor.
- What? - Out of context, it sounds stupid.
Oh, boy.
Someone doesn't like you.
Look at this.
[Whistles.]
Oh, my stars and garters.
Looks like we found the object of her desire.
Dude, she ain't right in the head.
- Tell me about it.
- Did she ever make contact? A little bit.
Let's go, let's go! Come on, come on, come on! Heads up, heads up! Martin, get that penguin in the game, or I will pull you! Come on! - Let's go! - [Whistle blows.]
What the hell was that, Stripes? He was offside.
The penguin was offside, not him.
Come on, coach, look around.
Who's your show for? Have a little fun.
And call me Todd.
- Eat shit, Todd.
- [Whistle blows.]
Let's go, let's go! I'm seeing a lot of dancing, - not a lot of skating.
- [Cellphone vibrates.]
Coach, I-I-I just need a second.
Hey, thanks for calling me back.
Listen, I need to ask a really big favor of you, okay? Um, I have this friend.
Fight for the puck! And then I was hoping you could maybe run a comm tap on him for me.
- [Whistle blows.]
- Oh, come on, Stripes! Take that call back to Wuss-illa! No, no.
I'm just I'm just helping him out.
I'm his assistant coach and friend.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! Dig, dig, dig, dig! [Whistle blows.]
Slashing, that's 5! What? He was all over my shit! This is my crease! My crease, God damn it! Like father, like daughter! Get off my crease! - [Whistle blowing.]
- Parker, on your feet.
Go sit in the back for your sister, would you? You have to be on the ice to take the penalty.
Go sit in the box! I'm going, I'm going.
Hey! Skate guards off.
God, who does that? I am just really getting to know Nate now.
He's really starting to trust me.
And the weird thing is, he is not the idiot I thought he was.
He's actually a really great dad and a damn fine hockey coach.
[Slamming.]
Oh, can you be professional, please? He's a surveillance target.
Just get me the tap.
I'll show you roughing, Todd! Oh, God, I got to go.
I've been to your house, Todd.
You can't see Russia! She never said that! Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
[Sighs.]
Oh, damn it.
Nate! Oh.
Damn it.
[Skype call ringing.]
Hey, babe! How you feeling? Terrible.
How's, uh, how's the trip? Uh, it's pretty good.
We're having a good time.
Everyone's in good spirits, considering how much we suck.
Isn't that right, guys? [Kids cheer.]
Hey, listen.
I was thinking maybe after my shift tomorrow, I could come to Anchorage to see you guys.
What was that? You're breaking up, babe.
Oh, well, I'm not moving.
I'm not getting any of that.
Here, talk to the kids.
No.
No, I wanted to ta Hey! Hey, Mr.
Mayor.
Try finding a better spot.
You're breaking up.
Yeah, like I said, I'm not moving.
Maybe you should stop moving.
Edie: [Scottish accent.]
Can't stop moving.
We're on a bus, mate, all the way to the Highlands of Scotland.
Who is that? Wh-Who is that? [Scottish accent.]
That's Scottish! You know, the one you can't do.
No, I know I know the accent, - but who was doing it? - I was! No, there was a woman's voice.
That was Edie.
- Who? - You don't know Edie? - No.
- Oh, right.
Why would you? Dad calls her his hockey wife.
She's just really cool.
You'd love her.
She's the best at accents.
Well, I'm I'm not too shabby at accents, either.
Listen to this one.
[Bad Indian accent.]
Tiki masala Birde-num-na Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
Hey, sweetie, are you having fun? Listening to music that's new.
Yeah, Edie let me listen to her show tune library.
- She's awesome.
- I'm enjoying them, too, but don't tell the boys back home.
What happens in Anchorage stays in Anchorage.
Feel better, sweetie.
Do you need Moishe to bring you a little broth or something? Maybe half a tuna fish sandwich? No, no, I'm okay.
[Coughs.]
Is Nate still around? Is Can I talk to Nate? Oh, hi, hello.
Can you get Coach Nate? Do you know who Coach Nate is? Coach Nate.
I need Coach Nate.
He's with our nice ass coach, Edie.
Uh what? She's bent over in front of Coach Nate.
He looks very happy, and he is never happy.
[Whispers.]
She's got blue underwear! Sweetie, can you can you turn the camera around so I can see what you're looking at? - Nate.
- [Nate laughs.]
Hey, Nate! Okay, bye! No, no, no, no! Ooh, that's a good one.
That's a good one.
[Irish accent.]
I I I I can't believe you haven't met Robin yet, who was on the phone there.
I'm still doing Scottish, aren't I? Shit.
[Irish accent.]
I can't believe she hasn't been to one of our games.
Ah, she don't like hockey.
Mm.
Sounds like a bit of a puckin' icehole.
Oh, that's harsh.
Ooh, sounds like a lass who doesn't appreciate - [Normal voice.]
Ahh! Whoa! - [Normal voice.]
Oh! [Groans.]
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Ooh! [Irish accent.]
Bumpy roads.
Right, yeah.
Aye.
[Skype call ringing.]
Hey, hi.
Can you get Nate for me? Him and Edie are busy doing accents.
Okay, well, show him this accent 'cause I'm pretty good, too.
Watch.
John Dunbar.
John Dunbar T-Tonk Oh, shit! [Beep.]
Edie: Hey.
So, about that comm tap, I've had a change of heart.
I-I don't want to rush into anything.
I mean, He's still a person of interest, but I think sometimes it's easy to forget that he's a person.
And interesting.
- Hey! - Hey.
Oh, you don't have to get off 'cause of me.
Oh, no.
I came out to drown my sorrows.
Oh, yeah.
No, I was getting off.
It was my ex.
I never really got off with him.
[Chuckles.]
He was married.
To his job.
What was that? He was married to his job! What was his job? Oh, okay, got it.
Um, he was in law enforcement.
- Oh, cool, what kind? - Yeah.
Um - He was a truck cop.
- Truck cop? - Yep.
- I don't know what that is.
It's like USPIS, but for trucks.
You know, if there's one thing I learned living up here, you don't have to make shit up.
Nobody cares about what you did in the lower 48.
- Just be yourself.
- Be myself? - Yeah.
- It's me.
It's just I mean, this place is weird.
It's 11:00 p.
m.
, and it looks like noon.
It does.
The only way to get by is to drown your sorrows.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah.
- Alaska's finest boxed wine.
[Laughs.]
- Uh, do you want some? - Yeah, yes, please.
- Nothing but the best.
- Here, let me help you.
- Big game tomorrow.
- I know! Right? All right, that's perfect.
That's good, that's good, that's good.
Someone's got to drink it.
It's either I drink it or - Or - or I drink it.
- Oh! - Hey, get back to bed! It's the middle of the night.
- What's that kid's name? - I have no idea.
God, I'm such a shitty coach.
You're pretty terrible.
To former lives.
So, where'd you meet your wife? That was a terrible segue that made it sound like I think she's your former wife, but she's your current wife.
Eh, wife is a relative term.
She's this is our life is pretty crazy.
Why, is it, like, 'cause of her dad or something? Weird, but yes, actually.
[Chuckles.]
Wow, that is so weird.
Where does he live? [Woman moaning.]
Oh, shit.
[Whispers.]
Did you hear that? [Laughs.]
[Moaning.]
That's what I'm talking about.
Actually, you were talking about your father-in-law.
Gayle: Oh, my God.
God, it's deep! Oh, my God.
That's Gayle.
- I know.
- Too deep! Too deep! Wait, no, I didn't say stop.
Oh, well.
I didn't know Moishe came.
I don't think he did.
[Man grunting, groaning.]
I stand corrected! Yes, he did.
He came hard.
[Laughs.]
And for a very long time.
That's over-compensating.
Is it still happening? He's st Oh, sh - Hi.
- Hey.
We were Just checking things.
You know, it's nice to hear Moishe came.
No.
That's it.
Busted! [Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
Yes.
Moishe, my my my husband, who I love dearly, he drove down here.
You know, just a few minutes ago, actually.
It was a really nice surprise 'cause that's what married couples do.
You know, they do things like that for each other.
Straight Jack: You don't got to make stuff up, Gayle.
There's no shame in this walk.
They know the score.
We're all just consenting adults burning a little latex.
- We didn't burn any latex.
- No, no one's burning anything.
Not yet.
Night's still young.
Okay, so I'm gonna I'm gonna Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Get home safe.
- Yeah, okay, okay.
That's the sideways walk of a satisfied woman.
Nighty night.
[Door closes.]
- Oh, wow.
- Straight Jack.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
I mean, what kind of grown-ups wear condoms, though? - Losers.
- Dummies.
- You snip.
That's what I did.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - Cut it off.
We're not having any more kids.
She wants more kids.
I put some on ice, in case.
- I donated it.
- Oh.
Who's gonna pay those storage fees, right? - Yeah.
- Got rid of them.
[Laughs.]
You know, give it away, nice guy.
- Help a stranger out, right? - Sure, yeah.
Um - anyway.
- Nope.
- [Chuckles.]
I'm wasted.
- Mm-hmm.
- I should - Okay.
- See you tomorrow.
Big game.
- Yeah.
Room's that way, forgot.
- Nope.
- It's not.
It's not, it's that way.
- Yep, yep, yep.
Okay, good night! - Good night! We're going postal Yeah, we're going postal We're going postal We're going postal Edie: July 10th.
I have continued to make progress with Nate.
I think he may be having some issues in his personal life.
Complications that may ultimately prove useful.
Pinky July 13th.
Nate Parker is a good man and an even better father.
He's the kind of guy July 22nd.
Today we just rode bikes.
I feel great.
I got him a bigger saddle, and he I feel like we challenge one another, you know? We set goals, then try to shatter those goals.
Holy shit! [Sirens wailing.]
- What the hell were you thinking?! - I'm sorry.
She went full Donnie Brasco on me! You should have known she was an undercover Fed.
I mean, she was the best at accents.
- Who does she work for? - USPIS.
- What the hell is that? - Oh, I don't know.
Only the oldest, most vital federal law-enforcement agency - in the country! - Sorry.
We're screwed.
Not if I have anything to say about it.
- What did that do? - That was my shake move.
Following the road is your shake move? [Sirens wailing.]
[Tires squeal.]
- She's such a badass.
- She's beautiful.
It's her confidence that makes her so attractive.
I'm confident.
Right? Mostly.
I mean, I think I'm confident sometimes.
- No? - Nate.
Nate Parker.
Why does she want you? Nate.
Nate Parker.
What? Nate Parker, get out of the car.
No, no, we're not going down without a fight.
You won't win! She's better than you.
I know that, but we at least have to try.
No! We're giving up.
Why, because you're in love with her? I'm sorry.
No, no, no, please, Nate, I know you're gonna be happier burning latex with her, but still, come on! Oh, almost paradise You can put your hands down.
Here.
On my ass, Coach.
I see what you did there.
It's clever.
She's so much better at sexy banter than you, too.
How could we ask for more? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't know if I can do this.
What do you see in her that you don't see in me? [Farting.]
[Groaning.]
[Farting continues.]
Oh! I got to be honest, I don't know.
[Laughing.]
So fat! She thinks hockey is stupid.
Hockey is stupid.
She wasn't there for you.
I was providing for my family! How? By jizzing tartar sauce on men's fish sticks for underwear tips? They also have potato wedgies, and Nate's favorite, a clam-jam box.
I do like a good clam-jam.
It's still good.
That's Whoa.
Is that a squirrel hair? It's thick.
- Don't look at me like that.
- Oh.
Just ignore her.
Kids, come help me lift it up so daddy can find it.
I don't want to have to lift it up to find it.
I want it just to be there.
- It's right here.
- It sure is.
Oh, almost paradise I didn't know those came out in the daytime.
Where'd they come from? My eyes.
Get some.
- Almost - Delilah: Wake up! Ahh! [Gasping.]
Hi! Did you hear that? Yes, and so did they.
Okay, just go to sleep, everybody.
Just, one, two, three, close your eyes.
Sweet dreams.
Nighty night.
You want to explain yourself? Sometimes Dreams can be very easily explained.
And they aren't exactly what they look like on the sur Edie: Am I attracted to Nate Parker? Not! Oh, my God, I am.
What am I doing? He's a potential key witness.
Okay.
That can also be explained.
How? You have a crush on my dad? Why else would you be making recordings about him? Yes! Yes! [Laughing.]
Oh, God.
Busted.
I have a huge crush on your dad.
That is the only reason why I am making recordings about him.
It's just a little school-girl crush.
You were gyrating your hips like you were riding a snow machine.
And unless you have a snow machine named Nate Parker, it's a lot more than a school girl crush.
Nate: Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go! Skate, skate, skate! Come on! Six! That's six, too many men on the ice, Ref.
Give it a rest.
Eat a shitsicle, Ref.
No, wait, wait, sorry, I take that back.
Timeout, timeout, I need a timeout.
Come on, there's ten seconds left.
Ref, this is important, give me time! [Whistle blows.]
Nate: Okay, everybody, come on, huddle up.
Bring it in.
- [Slam!.]
- Come on, Jared.
Stay on the ground.
Stay on the ground.
Stay on the ground.
You know Shit.
Oh.
Okay.
Listen up.
Not long ago, I was like you guys, okay? I was a loser.
A complete piece of garbage, just fighting for everything and getting nothing.
I was completely goalless.
But then one day, this beautiful, vivacious, incredibly sexy woman walked into my life, and she changed all that.
She gave me purpose.
She gave me a goal, and that's all you guys need is one goal.
God, I'm sick of being on this loser team.
Hey, we're not down by that much, okay? - Stay positive.
- I'm talking about our family! I was rooting for you, and you give it up for that? I am so tired of losing.
From here on out, I'm on my own.
Out of my way, loser! All right, you heard the captain.
You're either with her or without her.
I say with her 'cause she's the best player on the team.
Let's go! [Pounding.]
Come on, get on your feet, Jared.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Yes, you caught that reference.
"With or Without You," yeah.
I love U2.
Whoo! Let's get some! Stay in the crease, stay in the crease.
What are you doing? Oh! [Clang.]
[Cheering.]
[Buzzer.]
Talk to the hand Just talk to my hand Here's to Super D, playing by her own rules.
Huh? Sweetie? What? Oh, come on.
Why are you mad at me now? I mean, your mom I get, but me? - Like you don't know.
- I don't.
Talk to my hand [Scattered applause.]
- Whoo! - Thank you! [Applause.]
Edie: So, um, excuse me.
Can I just have everybody's attention, please? There's something I would like to say.
Something I've been holding on to for quite a while.
- Well, here it comes.
- Here what comes? What are you talking about? Oh, don't pretend like you don't know, egging her on with that speech.
"[Mockingly.]
She gave me a goal!" First, I don't talk that way.
Second, that was about your mom.
I was a loser before I met her.
- [Normal voice.]
Oh.
- Your mom and I are rock solid, okay? We bend, we don't break.
Then this should be good.
So, in musicals, when they can no longer find the words to speak, they sing.
And, Coach, this is for you.
[Belches.]
I thought that dreams belonged to other men This is a weird song to be singing to you.
What? No.
It's from "Footloose.
" It's about sticking it to the man.
We stuck it to Talkeetna today, right? - Yes! - It's called "Almost Paradise.
" Yeah, and it wouldn't be paradise if you hadn't have scored that goal.
Come on, here's to us! Both: I face the nights alone How could I have known That all my life I only needed you - Nate! - She's singing right to you.
Yeah, 'cause I'm the coach.
Almost paradise We're knocking on heaven's door You sure that's the reason? That's yeah.
- Almost paradise - Yeah.
How could we ask for more I swear that I can see forever in your eyes Oh, yeah, you're right.
It doesn't mean anything.
Straight Jack's singing right to you, too.
- [Laughs.]
- Paradise Almost paradise We're knocking on heaven's door Excuse me.
Almost paradise Get in my arms here! Get in my arms! How could we ask for more I swear that I can see forever - What'd you bring? - I brought a clam-jam.
Yes! We're jamming clams, kids.
Hi, honey.
Oh, I missed you.
No one breaks up this family.
If anyone does it, it's gonna be me.
Paradise - Hey! - Nice, right? No, they'll stay here.
- You guys take care of the bill.
- [Coughing.]
I'm gonna go burn some latex.
Bye, kids.
Paradise We're very excited that you decided to give this another try.
I lost a little perspective, but I'm ready to make my life about me again.
Good.
Oh.
How about this guy? He went to Harvard.
Nerd.
I don't like that guy's hat.
He looks dirty.
Don't like glasses.
That guy looks like Gollum.
That guy looks like Gollum's dad.
Yeah, I I just really want someone who gets me, you know? It's gonna be a little hard with pictures.
No, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Paradise No, you don't want that guy.
He's not the best.
Yeah, well, he's not the worst.
Paradise