The Durrells (2016) s03e04 Episode Script

1 That's good is it, the drinking? Mmm.
As long as it doesn't run away with you.
It's been a bumpy month or two.
Sunshine in a glass.
Oh, hello darlings.
I've just sat down.
Good day at work? I X-rayed a woman who had a fur-ball stuck in her oesophagus.
We think she's been licking her cat.
Yeah and I can't talk about my work, it's confidential.
- Thank goodness.
- Except to say that Here we go.
There's one less shoplifter called Alexis Spiliotopoulos.
Oh, I'm proud of you darling.
Just don't do anything brave, please, ever.
Oh telegram from Larry from Athens.
Postman gave me it.
"Athens is fulgent.
" "Met Indian Prince JeeJeebuoy.
" - "He arrives tomorrow, short stay.
" - We've a prince coming to stay?! I hope his immigration papers are in order.
A tiara does not constitute a valid passport.
But royalty! Maybe he'll come on an elephant.
We're not making any concessions just because he's a, a silly prince.
But no harm in a quick spring clean.
Oh, yes good.
You three can start on the garden.
- Ooh, please check Roger for fleas.
- I'm studying.
Thank you.
I'm so pleased, finally.
We're immune.
Don't want to give minor royalty a rash.
There we are.
Typical of Larry to dump someone on us.
- We did live in India after all.
- Well, I'm going to work.
Leslie was born in India, Lugaretzia, in the Punjab.
You are Indian? Well, not really, but it's all fluid, isn't it, these days.
We're here, Margo's boyfriend is Turkish, and Leslie's having a baby with a Greek girl.
Do try to get to know Daphne better, especially now that you've got a responsible job you can be proud of.
I've tried, but her family are so angry with me for not marrying her.
I can't do any more.
Good morning, officer.
Don't you dare kick my wheels.
'Policed' to meet you! Mrs Durrell, Margo says you have a maharaja coming to stay.
Yes, Larry's started picking up exotic friends.
- Why stop at exotic animals? - I come bearing shrimps.
Perfect! I can make shrimp mango pulao for Prince JeeJeebuoy.
No, they're for Gerry's flamingos.
Shall I get you Champagne for your special visitor? No, no, no! He will live like the rest of us.
Actually, Larry might like some.
So yes, thank you.
Do pick up a crate.
Die, you old bastard.
Hardest bed ever.
All gone wrong Captain Creech? Captain Creech! Yes.
Only just.
- Can I help you up? - What's the point? Perhaps I could find you a nicer gutter, with a view? We will feed one shrimps, the other not, to see if it affects their colour.
Are there many animals whose colour changes with what they eat? Yes.
Salmon.
Goldfinches.
Also from carotenoids.
You know, she's stopped fretting about my education now I take my books with me everywhere.
What's really in there, dormice? A weasel? So, how do you end up here? Oh Chasing a popsy.
Mellifluous arse.
Bosoms lagging far behind, perfectly acceptable.
Aren't you a bit old for that? It turns out I am.
So many luscious beauties have slipped through my fingers.
How is your mother? Fidgety at the prospect of grandmother-hood, otherwise rather well.
I'm at rock bottom.
I don't have a pot to piss in.
Although out the window works just as well, I find.
I hate to sound like a bank manager, but, haven't you any savings put by? I, I have my boat in Corfu .
.
and what I stand up in.
I tried to kill myself, you know.
I couldn't.
That's ironic.
I imagine many people have wanted to kill you over the years! Relax! He'll probably be one of those modern royals who love normality.
It's not normal here.
There's a zoo.
Lugaretzia will call him something awful, and he'll be expecting a lavatory that isn't open to the elements.
- Are you all right? - Yes, of course I am.
Gerry! He's just drawn animals and written daft stories.
What do you expect, Latin declensiables? That's not right, is it.
"The huge hairy animal mad a bow", he spells like a half-wit, "Hooly mackrel, a gray baboon, my farverit, he sayed.
" Gerry, you solemnly promised that you were studying.
There is no actual work here.
- Certain is not spelt S-U-R-T-E-N.
- It should be though, shouldn't it? It's not good enough! You need the structure of a school.
Where you can make friends with people your own age.
I am not going to a horrible English boarding school that smells of fear and sick.
No, of course you're not.
I'll find you a school here.
Royalty, coming up the garden path! Hello.
You must be Mrs Durrell.
Such charm.
Leslie, the hunter.
Margo, the beauty of the island.
Naturalist par excellence, Gerry.
And Lugaretiza.
The cleaner! Thank you for letting me stay.
It makes me very hot to see you all.
We're honoured to welcome you.
We've had to scrub the house.
The animals have left a lot of worrying stains.
May I offer you a welcoming glass of Champagne, Your Highness? No! Oh no! - Have you forgotten something? - Your elephant? No, it's my foolish name.
My mother named me Prince, her attempt to make our humble family sound royal.
- Oh.
- That is brilliant! I'm gonna name my son King.
If I'm allowed a say in the name.
- So what do we call you? - My friends call me JeeJee.
Shall I give back the rest of the Champagne? No.
Mrs Durrell, I'll try to make amends by being a most entertaining guest.
The tiger padded into the room.
He froze hoping that if he attacked anybody it would be Major Ponsonby, whom nobody liked, but it turned towards me.
I vowed that if I escaped, I would live as if each day were my last.
Why is he such a joy? He loves life, and he's on the side of the angels.
Gerry, you have a beautiful future.
You understand that animals are our simpler, better selves.
They teach us so much, from how to sit quietly, to how to eat a fruit with elegance.
I don't think Mother agrees with you.
That's not fair.
I've given you freedom most boys only dream about.
So why take it away now? It's a school, not a house of correction.
What's the difference? The age-old dichotomy between formal education and learning from what my mother calls 'fannying about'.
Yes, none of my children liked school.
Leslie took his uniform into the garden and shot it.
You've created a special family.
Yes, I have, haven't I? Thank you.
I'm remembering how lovely it can be to have guests.
- JEEJEE! - Larry! Thank you! I love your family! No, these aren't mine.
You've come to the wrong house.
Humour as a deflective modesty reflex! Yes! Yes! How was Athens? Full of good things.
I loved the old ruins so much, I bought one back.
- He's homeless and destitute.
- Yes, of course he is! He's a drunken old lech.
Nobody wants him in their house.
- I found him at death's door.
- Shall I bury him in the quarry? No.
Oh! Nice to be talked about.
Or are you discussing how to get rid of me? - That's one of the choices.
- Tell Mother about karma.
Rebuff him, and it may come back to bite you in the afterlife.
It's rather full here, but you can stay for a day or two.
You'll have to have Gerry's room, With the bugs and the rotting stuffed bat.
Ah! Is that a barely crested grebe? By then, the water was up to my arsehole, a soothing balm for my dysentery, but bad news in the middle of cocking Baffin Bay.
Talk about a grim Northwest Passage 'ey! I fear these need a scrub, my dear.
English today.
I must practise.
I do not like to arrest people.
- Are you in the right job? - No! But being a baker turned me into a whale.
- Come on, trot along! - No! Daphne - I want us to be friends.
- How could we? You are abandoning me.
I'm not.
So marry me, then the baby can have a respectable life.
But that's not fair.
Daphne Mrs Durrell! Nothing medical, I hope? I'm very well.
Although less so now Captain Creech is staying with us.
Well this will cheer you up.
Look.
We had a quiet day at work so we X-rayed a rabbit wearing glasses.
Can I ask your advice about Gerry? I want to find him a local school.
- Oh.
- And this is a fish with an earring.
Let's try to look like professionals.
As you know, Gerry hated school in England, so I need somewhere that's welcoming, but not too lax.
- And sporty, because his interests are a bit narrow.
- Mrs Durrell He loves writing so a school with a creative ethos would be There's only one school he can go to.
- Oh.
- The nearest one.
You'll both have to be interviewed by the headmistress, who will test Gerry's Greek.
Ah.
I love having him round the house.
- But, school's a good idea, isn't it? - Why not? He's fiercely intelligent.
Anywhere would be lucky to have him.
Let's leave it.
If they're not sleeping, they're shouting.
You can't just leave it.
Nope.
Mrs Petridis, have you mislaid a baby? Thank you! I put him in the shade but I couldn't remember where.
At least he didn't roll down a hill this time.
- I won't charge you with neglect on this occasion.
- Thank you.
I am restored! Ha! Good.
Well, do try to stay on the straight and narrow.
Well, I will, if you will.
We er, both have er, bent for er, liquid indulgence.
Oh, I think she's an amateur compared to you.
So, who will buy my boat? I've never seen the appeal.
Water.
Wind.
Seagulls.
Chunky knitwear.
Oh, don't listen.
Les and I are dying to do some sailing.
Oh! Oh! I like you more and more my boy.
There! Twenty pounds.
Go on! Arrest me.
I'm robbing myself.
It's not even worth 20 bob! - If you knew anything about boats - I do! I do! .
.
you would appreciate her solid qualities.
I love it.
You suddenly realise you can go anywhere.
- What a fine fella you are.
- And this boat's like Well, it's like you, Creech, barnacled, leaking Yes I, I do do that.
.
.
but heroically holding onto existence.
- I'll buy it.
- What?! - Hooray! - You don't know how to sail! - What an opportunity to start.
- The Captain will teach me.
- Will I? Bollocks.
Cheer up.
My brother, having waltzed at the ball with an eminent European lady, led her back to her seat, took her fan and said, "Madam, may I make wind in your face?" India enchanted us.
That's why it was hard to settle down in Bournemouth, too many memories of warm nights and fireflies and music, and your father coming home late from building bridges to find you all in bed, fighting sleep, so you could tell him about your day.
- Applause for the chef! - Well done, Mummy! The curry was just missing some Bombay duck.
- You can't get it on Corfu.
- Use a local duck.
It's not duck.
It's dried lizardfish.
- I'll find a substitute.
- What are your plans after us? I'm en route to Persia to visit a famous holy man, a fakir.
To prepare, after this meal, I'll fast for four days to aid meditation into a trance.
I'll fast too.
I'm intensely spiritual.
I can't fast.
I'm too busy righting wrongs out there on the streets.
Creech! I thought it was quiet.
Yes, I've just been er, snoozing off the boozing.
Forgive me, Mrs Durrell, but I think you drink too much.
The body is a precision instrument.
To take alcohol is like pouring treacle into an expensive piano.
Oh, nonsense! Leave the gal alone.
Do you think it's easy trying to run a ship, erm, house? Thank you.
And now Oh right, let's have a sing-song.
I'll start off and you join in.
What? Oh Mary she's a sailor's lass To me hooker John o John We courted all night on the grass To me Hooker John o John! Oh Susanna, woa-hoa, way up high Johnny's on the foreyard Have you noticed? It's like Mother's Good Angel and her Bad Angel.
Wonder who's going to win.
He's so skinny, he'll blow into the sea, especially after two days of fasting.
I wonder if it's making him less judgemental.
It's making him beautifully calm.
I wonder why it's not doing the same to Margo? What are you staring at?! Don't kill each other, and stay away from Albania.
Watch and learn from me at first.
Watch and learn from me at first.
I was hungry in the night and I er, ate one of the locusts.
Don't tell the boy.
- No, first pull on the vang.
- What's the vang? It's on the end of the gaff.
I TOLD you what everything is.
You were too busy posing in your blouse! I will arrest you if you touch that rope again! This is MY boat, so can you stop, for one second being a policeman? No, fine, no, no fine.
- I'll leave you to it, shall I? - I would adore that.
Yeah.
I don't think you'll find any lizard fish here, for your Bombay duck thing.
I'll dry whatever I catch.
Let's talk about school.
I'm going to test you on your Greek.
You must impress your Headmistress.
Or your mother will be broken into two.
- Greek for 'school'? - Skoolopolos? - So close! - Really? No.
Greek for 'mathematics'? - Mathonopolous.
- Almost there! - Was I? - No.
Darling! Please eat something.
Fasting doesn't agree with you.
No, it's spiritually cleansing.
Well, you did eat five biscuits and lunch yesterday.
This is harder than childbirth.
Right! Uh! Mmm-mmm! No! Lugaretzia.
Oh, hello.
Fish for drying! You don't like him no more? I do, but I don't like being told off in front of my family.
What's going on down there? It looks illegal.
Never mind, live and let live.
Isn't that Daphne's father? - Herete, Mr Lykourgo.
- Leslie.
Well, Junior Constable Durrell, strictly speaking.
Yassas.
JEEJEE! MARGO! Oh! No wonder he fainted, it smells hideous.
No, it's the fasting.
He's too thin! I'm cooking you a very big lunch.
I'm sure enlightenment is also possible on a full stomach.
- Please tell me to shut up but - Shut up.
Thank you, JeeJee, but I am old enough to make up my own mind.
Of course you are.
Now, finish that, er, fizzy tosh, and move on to this.
- Oh, I'm fine thank you.
- They say it goes with this.
- If you're a girlie.
- Oh.
- Leslie! - Hi, JeeJee.
There's a stink in the garden.
Yes, JeeJee's drying sardines to make Bombay Duck.
Mummy, can I? Why are you taking me over here, darling? I found out that Daphne's father is involved in smuggling cigarettes.
- Oh no! - I don't know whether to report him.
- Wha, what happens if you don't? - If I'm caught, I'll lose my job.
Oh, darling Come and eat.
Now, try that.
Are you OK, Miss Margo? I was fasting and then I ate a whole pie.
And that's another reason why I love it here.
Travellers pass through, you, my Swedish friend Sven, and Hugh, of course, or Huge, depending on who you talk to! Although there was something missing.
Oh, and recently in London - Spiro.
- Hello, JeeJees.
- Mrs Durrells, your car awaits.
- Oh! Where are we going? I do love surprises! I'm taking you and Gerrys to meet the Headmistress of the school.
Oh, I forgot! I'm an idiot.
I would advise you to postpone the encounter, Mrs Durrell.
- Or shall we just get it over with? - Yes.
It's vital he gets a bloody good education.
I think the bad angel is winning.
Ah Albania! No, let's not go that way.
Bugger! It's all Greek to me.
Ooh! Oh, I do apologise.
You know I think, don't you, that a school is, is like a greenhouse.
- Carry on.
- Do you want to get some air, Mother? No, no, darling.
There's plenty of that in here.
My mother has a lot of guests at the moment, and they can be quite a handful, late nights, that kind of thing.
My fakir Andrawathi is an amazing man.
He was once buried alive for 120 days.
- Oh, how awful! - No, it was deliberate.
- Oh.
- He was in a trance.
- I've experienced it myself.
- Is it magical? It is.
You feel you're floating.
- Indeed, real levitation does occur.
- Wow! It is a paradox that most of us love the world, but wish somehow to escape its bounds.
- Like Mother's drinking.
- Indeed.
I fear I've offended her.
It is after all, another form of trance.
I wonder if she's come out of it yet.
Would I be able to bring my dog Roger in? - No.
- Really? He's now fully free of fleas.
That's not easy to say! - I'm afraid you will not be coming to this school.
- What? Why? It is not your son's fault, though his Greek is limited, it is yours.
Oh, hello dear.
Please, Daphne.
May I talk to you? Yes.
I don't know if your father said anything, about this morning? He did.
I'm not going to tell anyone.
Thank you.
I won't tell anyone, even if it costs me my job, because whether you like it or not, we WILL be family.
It's me who wants us to be a real family.
We need to be in love for that.
Bloody teachers! - Always judging everyone.
- I know.
Outrageous.
Creech is right, the finger-waggers will always be with us.
A woman can't have a drink now, is that it? JeeJee's You need to come.
He's in a trance.
Gerry, run upstairs and try to grab him.
Margo, bring cushions.
That doesn't look very safe.
Why don't you and I? JeeJee! Oh, God! Speak to me! Please! There we go.
Let's both try to be more normal.
- Did the pelican get you? - No, he fell onto the pergola.
- I'm going to try it again.
- Please don't.
Has anyone seen Larry? Not since I left him on his boat, which he can't sail.
He was SO annoying I just left him there.
Hello, Albanians.
I am British.
But think of me above all, as a Friend Of Albania.
It's bloody easy when you know how, isn't it, this sailing? Bloody easy! Bloody.
Easy.
Hello! I'm back.
Oh! Sorry, you must have been really worried.
Yes, yes.
Don't do that again.
I drifted, but I was in safe hands.
Albanians are fantastic people.
Good, let's send Gerry to school there.
He didn't get in? Why? Did he bang on about bugs or otter crap till she snapped? No, I ruined it, by turning up drunk.
- Come on, that is quite funny.
- No, it's not! I keep messing up Gerry's education and I've been drinking like a fish since Auntie died and Leslie made a baby nobody wants, poor little mite.
Exactly, that's why you're drinking, to numb the pain.
You're a fine mother, and a generous host to whomever I throw at you.
No more guests, please, unless they're like JeeJeebuoy.
He's sweetened our lives so much, unlike our sailor friend.
I can't for a moment imagine why I listened to Creech over him? That was stupid.
- Well, I've given up alcohol, again.
- I haven't.
I need one right now.
I was scared back there.
We're heading for war in Europe, and I panic at the sight of some delightful Albanian fishermen.
That's not me that stinks of fish, is it? I think it must be, darling.
We are ready to record the results.
It's a black and white photograph, of course, but we'll get the idea.
When you feel the urge to have a tipple, adopt this meditative position.
Now, think of a word to say over and over.
Something simple.
Grandmother.
- Grand - Don't say it out loud.
Possibly a word with fewer syllables.
How about 'fish'? Try something unrelated to what's on your mind.
I was unfair, Gerry.
- You're a lovely writer.
- Thank you.
Larry writes to dazzle.
You write to entertain, and your spelling makes me laugh out loud.
This is my scientific report, to show I'm doing fine without school.
Oh, well thank you.
I shall read it with interest.
I'm so sorry for yesterday.
I can't promise I'll never embarrass you again, but I won't do it for a while! ~ - The sardines smell dead.
- I know, and Zoltan's coming.
He vomits at the drop of a hat.
Close your eyes and make your chin go floppy.
Chin is floppy.
You do it.
You would benefit from meditation, because you have a stressful job.
Oh! I have.
Don't even get me started.
- Quick, quick.
- Wait, Margo, please! Ignore us, Daphne, we're just burying some fish.
Quick! - Hello, Daphne.
- Hello.
Thank you, Leslie.
Hello, Sir.
Welcome to the family.
And welcome to mine.
I'm not perfect, but my daughter is.
Please - Tea for our guests.
- Thank you, Lugaretzia.
Oh! Hello! Hello.
Larry? Larry Albania! Champagne? No, mother's ruin.
No! Kill it! Make a handbag.
I've changed my mind.
I love having guests.
What are we humans for otherwise? Trains moving forward on tracks that never touch.
Mrs Durrells, I was worried about you.
Thank you.
- I'm fine now.
- I blame myself for buying the bubbly.
Well, it's all gone now.
And to be honest, I had a back-up vat of cooking sherry.
Er Well, er tragically, dear lady, I, I, I must depart.
- Hmm.
- You er, saved my life.
Well, that was rather gracious.
Thank you.
Anyway, it won't be so much fun round here now the loopy Indian's buggering off 'ey? I knew it couldn't last.
As they say at sea, "One should always leave, before they count the cutlery.
" And I'm very pleased to tell you, that I've FINALLY beaten the demon drink.
Gosh! How? Well I, I watched you pour it down your neck all this week and realised frankly, it's all a bit, unsavoury.
Not really the kind of thing I like to see in a lady.
Shall I strike him? There's a line of people ahead of you.
- Shall we say goodbye, Captain? - Rather inhospitable.
Got any, er, tucker for the journey? No, no, no.
I didn't see much of you JeeJee, but I hear you went down a storm.
I fear I lost credibility when I became lodged in your greenery! We thought that was your finest hour.
Oh, Prince, it's been a joy.
And if ever you want to be the fifth Durrell child, don't hesitate.
I'm still amazed that seagulls managed to eat all my dried fish.
- Shocking(!) - ~ Good luck with your fakir.
Send us a photograph of you levitating.
Daphne agrees we should call our baby King.
- No, I don't.
- Or Count, or Doctor.
Please all visit me in India! Gerry, I'm sure I can rustle up a tiger.
Bye.
Well, that's two guests gone, now there's just your 54 unwanted animals to go.
Always funny.
But in fact, there are a couple whose work is done.
So room for some more now.
It's been so quiet since our guests left.
Mmm, don't worry, I've got a batch coming over.
"Greetings.
From the bottom of my heart via a friend in Colombia, to my kind hosts.
JeeJee.
" Oh.
That is the weirdest monkey! Have I been drinking again, or does it look like that? It's a sloth.
Gosh! We hear you need more fireman.
- You fail! - Are you trying to kill me? I'm Guido Ferrari.
Clara, Yolata and Paulo.
They're so delightful! You'll end up with Daddy.
There's always love interest.
- ~ - ~ Theo, I want to spend time alone with Galini without you there.
Did you know vultures have intensely corrosive stomach acid? We're starting to wonder about the Ferrari family.
What are you doing, man?! Arrivederci!