The Exes (2011) s03e04 Episode Script

Well, you're leaving kind of early.
Yes, I am.
I just closed a big case.
My mom said she was proud of me.
Well, she implied it.
Even my hair's kicking ass.
Life is good.
And I am proud of you too, especially how you've handled your breakup with Paul, how you have just moved on.
Yeah, you know, I really have.
I mean, I bumped into him today, and there was not even one pang of regret.
That's great.
It's like nothing can get you down.
Nothing.
- That's right.
Wait, what could get me down? Like you said, nothing.
Not even if I were to tell you that, say, Paul is dating someone.
Not even that.
Who is she? Does it really matter? Oh, God.
Is it that bad? No, don't tell me.
Tell me.
No, don't.
Is she young? I don't want to know.
Yeah, it doesn't really matter.
Oh, God.
She's young.
So what if he's dating some young, naive idiot.
She is an idiot, right? No, don't tell me.
Well, does it really Matt-- oh, God.
She's not an idiot.
Okay, she's kind of an orthopedic surgeon.
Oh.
But--but maybe she's one of the dumb ones.
So what if he's dating a young, smart doctor? With that kind of pressure, she must eat like a pig.
She's a little chunky, right? No, don't tell me.
Tell me she's a porker.
N-no.
- Oh.
But if it makes you feel any better, I think she's a little too skinny.
Oh! Uhh! Ugh! It's not fair.
I should have been the one to move on first.
He could have at least waited for me to find someone.
Well, you are the one who broke up with him.
What was he supposed to do, curl up in a ball and die? Yes! Holly, I'm sure he's only with her to get over the pain of losing you.
Yeah, all right.
Let's go with that one.
Her boobs-- small, right? No.
Don't tell me.
Does it really-- oh, crap! They're huge! Go ahead.
Ask me about my day.
Somebody ask me.
Come on, I dare you.
Look away.
Don't make eye contact.
Hi, Holly.
How was your day? It was hell! Paul's already dating another woman.
Some young, hot doctor with big boobs.
Hoo! Paul hit the mother lode! Two times in a row.
Well, Holly, maybe this is just a sign for you to get out there and find a new beau.
Actually, I met three wonderful guys just walking here from my office.
I just don't know which one to call first.
Really? - No, grow up! You have no idea how hard it is for a woman out there my age.
I'm so far past my sell-by date I'm beginning to curdle.
Somebody else speak.
Uh, Holly, look.
You'll meet someone else.
You met Paul, and he was almost the right guy.
Exactly.
It took me two years of bad dates to find "almost the right guy.
" How long is it gonna take me to find "the right guy"? Maybe you should try a different approach.
How about online dating? Oh, God.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Love might be just a mouse click and a background check away.
Forget it.
It's completely beneath what's left of my dignity.
What are you gonna do, just give up? Look, I've spent the last 20 years looking for the right guy.
Maybe it's time to call off the dogs.
The trail's gone cold.
Jeez, I hate to see her so cynical.
It's like she's given up hope.
Yeah, before you know it, she'll be that crazy old aunt at Thanksgiving who slips you the tongue.
You know what, boys, we're not gonna let that happen.
Because we're gonna take matters into our own hands and make sure she meets the perfect guy.
Stuart, you're gonna sign up for a dating site.
You're gonna pretend that you're Holly, and you're gonna create a profile.
Got it.
- Phil.
Yeah.
- You're the dating pro.
We're gonna use your expertise to weed out the losers.
Done! Haskell, what are you gonna do? Gentlemen, I'm the man who points and screams.
Now pay my tab, and let's get out of here! So you put Holly's profile up? Yeah, it's been up for three hours.
All right, boys.
I never thought I'd say this, but show me the men.
Phil, there are no guys.
Huh? - No.
No hits, no pings, no messages.
No one's interested.
It's like we're the girl at the dance with the head gear and the lazy eye.
Let me see what you wrote.
"Holly: Tall, strong-minded, Why don't you just put "angry old giraffe wants to die alone"? I-I don't understand.
What's wrong with it? We're competing with every other woman out there, man.
You gotta sell the goods.
Yes! - Put 'em in the window, baby.
Please.
First, she's not tall, she's statuesque - Yes.
"With legs built for danger.
" Work it, girl! And above all, she's not 40-ish.
She's 30-something.
- Mm-hmm.
Who cares if the "something" is 13 more years.
Let's see the picture you posted.
Oh! - Oh! Come on, man! What's wrong with that? I got it from her law firm website.
It's professional and dignified.
It's a boner-killer.
Where's that picture I took of her last new year's? The one where she's spilling out of her cocktail dress? Yeah, let's see, let's see, let's see.
Here it is.
And there they are.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
That is way more bosom than I'm comfortable showing.
No respectable man is going to respond to that.
Hey, we got a hit.
We got another one.
And another.
Men love us! It's open.
Hi, hi.
Hi.
I didn't know you were coming over.
Well, I knew you were upset that Paul's seeing someone, and I was afraid you'd be at home doing This.
Anyway, I thought maybe you could use a friend.
Aw, that is so sweet.
Oh, I didn't mean me.
I have a date.
I meant this little guy.
"Friendipals.
A huggy pal for the stay-at-home gal.
" It's fun, huh? They even have a website.
You can name him, register him online, buy outfits, even chat with other Cool women like yourself.
Great.
Paul's date is a hot, young doctor and mine was stitched in Taiwan and may contain lead.
You know what, fine.
If you don't want him-- no, no, no.
You can leave him.
I knew you two would hit it off.
Fyi, it's friendipals.
Com.
They also have a help line.
Okay, I've scheduled ten minutes for each suitor.
And if we like them, then we can arrange a chance meeting with Holly.
All right, I'll take the lead on this.
I know every guy trick in the book.
Yep, all I got to do is switch from offense to defense.
Good luck getting in my pants.
Okay.
First up is Blake.
He's a former olympic water polo player.
Huh.
- Ooh.
Check out those abs.
You were in the Olympics? Yes, sir.
Helsinki.
Took the gold in '52.
Give me a heads-up before she gets here.
I need to take my pill.
And not only that, but he plays the harmonica.
Show them, Sheldon.
Mom.
I paid for your lessons.
Show them! Don't you want to know what's in the box? Oh, boy, I got to tell you guys, this is harder than I thought.
After seeing this creep show, I'm just gonna come out and say it-- I'm a freakin' catch.
What the hell could've been in that box? Oh, hey.
There's our last guy, Alex.
I got this.
Hey, how you doing? Phil.
UhAlex.
Look, dude.
No offense, but I'm kind of here to meet aWoman.
Oh, "Holly.
" That's us.
Hey.
- Hi, Alex.
See ya.
- No! Wait, wait.
Let me explain.
Let me explain.
Let me explain.
Holly's our friend, right? And we're screening guys for her.
She's a really great girl.
It'd be worth it.
All right.
I'll play.
All right.
So look, Alex.
We're just trying to find an honest, decent guy who wants a real relationship.
Well, you've found him.
I'm not looking for one-night stands.
I want a woman who's strong and funny and intelligent, but most of all, who wants to build something together.
Let me ask you gentlemen, are you that woman? Yes.
Yes, I am.
All right.
Holly will be down here any second.
We just got to get her to the bar for her chance encounter.
Here she is, here she is.
Hey, guys.
What's up? I got an ice cream cake upstairs with my name on it.
Seriously, I had them write my name on it.
Well, we just thought it would be nice for you to get out of the house.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Actually, I could use a drink.
Yeah, good.
Go get yourself one.
Thanks.
Always a gentlemen.
Oh, they made contact.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, there's a hair flip.
Oh.
She's touching his arm.
Uh-huh.
Here comes that lilting laugh.
I can't look.
Is he still there? If he hung in through that, we're golden.
Guys, you're not gonna believe this.
I'm at the bar two seconds.
I meet the most incredible guy.
Really? - Oh, wow.
What are the chances? - Crazy, right? Look, he wants to buy me a drink.
You guys don't mind if I-- go, go.
- Quit standing here.
Thanks.
You guys are the best.
We are, aren't we? - Yes, we are.
Yep, we found a man for our little princess.
Oh, hey, guys.
So "So"? Aw, come on, Holly.
Don't leave us hanging.
How'd things go with studly do-right from the bar? Well, first, me and Alex went to dinner.
And then we went to this cute little jazz club in the village.
And then we came back here.
And-- - and have coffee and aperitifs, and you sent him off with a lingering kiss at the door? Exactly.
Right after we had sex.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It sounds like you two really hit it off.
Oh, yeah.
I'm never gonna hear from him again.
Huh? Why would you say that? 'Cause I've been through this many times.
Trust me, he ain't calling.
You don't know that.
Yes, I do.
Trust me, the 3:00 A.
M.
peck on the cheek, "sorry, babe, I got an early meeting.
" I know every step of that blow-off dance.
Look, don't tar Alex with your paintbrush of cynicism.
Open your heart.
Let the magic in.
Oh, my God.
My cell phone ringer was off.
I missed three calls from him.
Really? - No.
Grow up! Come in.
Hi, hi.
Oh, no.
Ice cream? A second friendipal? You know what the worst part is? The three of us are having a ball.
Okay, okay.
So that Alex guy was a dud.
You'll meet someone else on that dating site.
"Dating site"? What dating site? Uh, this one? Sad Larry in the copy room showed it to me.
Oh.
He's interested, by the way.
Oh, my God.
"Holly, 30-something voluptuous Manhattan attorney with legs built for danger.
" This isn't-- this isn't me.
I mean, it is me, but I didn't do it.
I've been hacked.
Well, and improved.
I don't understand.
Who would have done something Like--oh.
Wait a minute.
I remember this picture.
The guys took it in their apartment new year's Eve.
What? The guys did this? I told them I didn't want to do online dating.
They did it anyway.
I bet they were the ones that set me up with that creep Alex.
I'm gonna kill them! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh--oh-- let me go, let me go.
Settle down.
Let me go.
Killing them would be too easy.
How about getting even? Getting even? Tell me, what did you have in mind, my devious little sprite? Guys, Holly was right.
He never called.
I can't believe Alex played us.
Let's face it, boys.
He batted his baby blues at us, and our panties were practically around our ankles.
Ooh, we got a ding.
Forget it.
Probably just another loser.
Well, it doesn't hurt to look.
Ah, his name is Vic.
Ooh.
He's 6'6", works out.
Wouldn't you like to be wrapped in those arms? If you were Holly.
Hey, guys.
He's sending us a message.
He likes our profile picture.
He thinks we're sexy.
Well, even if you know it, it's nice to hear it.
"You got it going on yourself, big guy.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, slow down.
This is going too fast.
He wants to know what we're wearing.
Oh, please.
How desperate does he think we are? I'm wearing black fishnets and a torpedo bra.
"Torpedo bra"? Haskell's definitely doing the typing.
"Sounds hot.
Why don't you take it off, baby?" Oh, my God.
This is what my dating life has become-- home at a Saturday night, sexting myself.
The bra's off, boss.
What now? Now We show 'em why you don't screw with Vic.
Step aside, little lady.
Look, he wants to get together.
The fishnets never fail! Guys, guys, guys.
Look, he wants to come over.
What? - He wants to come over now.
Huh? Okay, this is getting kind of weird.
I think we should just put our bra back on and sign off.
I'll just tell him some other time.
"'Some other time'? "You haven't been teasing me, have you? 'Cause Vic don't like to be teased.
" Good one.
I can smell 'em sweating from here.
Is anyone else sweating? He--he says he's coming over now.
Oh, relax.
He doesn't know where we live.
That's our address! He knows where we live.
Aah! All right! Pull yourself together, man.
This is no time to panic.
A 6'6" enraged psycho is on his way to over-- this is precisely the time to panic! Hello? Aah! Think we've gone too far? - No.
Me neither! Tell him we're not a woman, we're three men, and we ain't scared.
- Yeah.
Tough men! Tell him we're tough men.
He says we look more like three scared little girls.
How does he know? How does he know? It's like he can see us, but how? The laptop has a camera in it.
Die, you sneaky bastard! Yeah, get it, get it! Don't stop! Don't stop! Get it! Get it! Don't stop! Don't-- let's get out of here! Come on.
Holly, get out of here.
There's an angry giant coming.
The angry giant is here.
Hold up, you're Vic? Mm-hmm.
Oh, you scared the crap out of those two.
You know, that isn't funny.
Yeah, well, neither is putting my name on a dating site when I asked you not to.
Sorry.
We're sorry.
It's just you were so down on men, we thought you'd given up hope.
We thought the only way you'd find a man is if we found one for you.
Yeah, but you were right.
There's nothing out there but liars, creeps, and freaks.
- Mm.
One of whom may or may not be carrying around a head in a box.
I have had it with men.
Sure, they'll talk pretty when they want something, but once they've had their fun, you are just one fabulous piece of ass that they brag about to their buddies.
Mm-hmm.
My God, you are three bitter bitches.
Is this what I sound like? Yeah, but for good reason.
It sucks out there.
Oh, okay, I mean, look.
It's hard, but it's not that hard.
Don't sugarcoat it.
It is one axe body spray scented nightmare.
I'm not saying it's easy, but you can't give up hope, I mean-- you know what, maybe you're right.
Maybe the perfect guy is right around the corner.
You think so? No, grow up! Well, I think he is.
And I don't care how hard it is or how long it takes.
I'm not gonna quit looking, because I don't want to end like you pathetic old maids.
Now hike up your fishnets and let's go get a drink.
I'm buying.
All right.
Come on! Yeah.