The Fast Show s03e04 Episode Script

(THUNDER) (MELODRAMATIC MUSIC) Chelsea 2, United 1.
Zola in the last minute of extra time.
Put a monkey on it! Monster, monster, monster! (CAR ACCELERATES) (EXPLOSION) Right.
Day one – survival.
We're going to be spending a week living wild.
Grrrrrr! Grrrrrr! Oh, I'm frightened (!) Right, we've already built the shelter or wickiup and – What? – Wickiup.
It's what they're called in the SAS book.
So now all we've got to do is get sorted for food.
There'll be no poofy roast Sunday dinners for us.
– From now on, we will only eat what we can kill.
– Or grow.
Yeah, we're gonna grow a lot in a week, aren't we (?) What about mustard cress? You grow it on blotting paper.
– I done it at school in two days.
– Shut up! Quite fascinating, actually.
No, Lyndsay, this little baby is all that stands between us and a lingering death.
– Nice one! – It's gripped! – It's sorted! – Let's survive! – Oh! Betty swallocks? – I'm sorry? – Betty swallocks? – Sorry, I don't know.
No, I was using a spoonerism, sir.
Betty swallocks.
You were walking in a manner which suggests that your scrotum is stuck to your leg, sir.
Well, it'sit is a hot day.
Hot, sticky and damp.
Oh! Suit you, sir.
A gentleman shouldn't walk about in weather like this.
Not good for the health.
– No.
– Brings 'em out, doesn't it, sir? – The hot weather.
– What? The ladies, sir.
Brings 'em out, doesn't it, sir? Oh! Where do they come from, sir? With their skimpy tops and their skimpy bottoms and their bare midriffs, sir.
Ohh! It's quim city out there! – Oh! Suit you! – Suit you, sir! It's a sign of the modern, independent lady, isn't it, sir? A lack of clothing.
And is it my imagination, sir, or are they ALL pierced these days, sir? Oh! On a hot summer's day like today, sir, don't you sometimes feel like falling to your knees and shouting, ''Thank God for women's liberation!'' When the character I play arrives in the small French village claiming to be Jean–Pierre Batois, a vagrant tinker, it's essential no one recognises him for who he truly is – the Comte de Valletta.
For the transformation from noble lord to common beggar to truly take place, it requires at least six hours in make–up.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Who will buy my sticks? When a bird starts moaning at me, I 'ate it, I can't stand it! I like my freedom, see.
Quick, quick! Quick! Quick! Hiya, love.
Skimmed milk.
Can't be doing wi' that, me.
It's like milk watered down.
Linda McCartney pie.
You're either a veggie or a Beatles fan.
Mixed salad.
It's poof's food, that.
Whiskas cat food.
You lot love cats, don't you? Rissoles.
You know what they're made of, don't you? Ear holes, eye holes and arseholes! You'll love them.
£6.
18, please.
Ah, Ted.
Yes, I'm glad I caught you.
I've just been walking in the upper field.
I noticed that some of the barbed wire there needs replacing.
It's next to useless in parts.
I wondered, if you had a moment Well done on fixing up the old trailer, by the way.
It really does look as good as new.
I could, er, see my face in it and And, er, seeing my face like that, partially obscured by rust and time, a strange melancholy took hold of me.
As you know, that trailer was bought in my fa my grandfather's time, in fact.
And how many long–gone faces it must have seen come and go.
I, too, will be dead one day, like those hens we massacred last week.
Although I do hope in not quite the same way of being held down by you andhaving my head chopped off.
But I do hope that when I die .
.
I can say that here was a man who lived, who tasted life in some small way.
– Would that be razor wire, sir, or standard? – Er, just the standard, please, Ted.
Yes, II apologise if I appear to be rambling on a little.
It's just I've beenI've been thinking about these things lately, Ted.
Abouteryou and me and my mortality.
Yes, I'min the process of drawing up a will, you see, anderhaving no next of kin and knowing thatI won't always be around to discuss with you my theories of tillage and the drainage system in the lower field Yes, II was wondering if I might leave you everything, Ted.
Thank you very much, sir.
Do you not think, though, sir, that it's more likely that I'll die before you? Oh, don't say that No, don't say that, Ted.
If Bergkamp keeps this form up, Holland have got to be worth an each–way bet.
I'm sorry, but Bergkamp plays for Arsenal, not Holland.
He plays for both, you tosser.
Don't Ah–ah–ah–ah, don't be daft.
Now, what if the Gunners got into Europe and had to play Holland? What would he do then? What side would he play for then? Ha–hah! Sussed! – Ee by gum, that were a right posh meal.
– Pass us t'port.
Have you got any pongy cheese? You know, that posh cheese no one likes.
– I fancy some after–dinner peas! – Hedges.
– Ee, that cheese stinks! – Ee, those peas are rotten! That's because it's new after–tea Gourmet Cheesy Peas.
Lovely! Yeah, a combination of right mouldy cheese and rank peas! Make every day a gourmet day with Gourmet Cheesy Peas! #By a moonlight shadow #He passed on worried and warning # Carried away by a moonlight shadow #Lost in a riddle that Saturday # Hey! How yer doin'? Dave Angel here again.
I'm in the Lake District in a place called Kendal.
My pal's got a caravan just back there.
Comes here at weekends.
They used to go fishing, but not any more.
This river used to be full of fish, tadpoles, frogs jumping, little water voles swimming from bank to bank .
.
dragonflies hovering above the water – whoosh, then away.
My pal swears he saw a badger once, swimming around.
I think he made it up.
But this river, like many rivers in our great country, has dried up.
There are loads of reasons, but there's one main reason – it just don't rain enough any more.
There's one more reason – something called global warming.
It sounds complicated, but, in a nutshell, old Mother Earth is heating up like a dirty great big cake, and if we're not careful, the icing's gonna melt.
Something's gotta give, 'cause old Mother Earth, she's give just about enough.
The world's turnin' and we're not learnin'.
Shirley, what are you doing, babe? SHIRLEY! What Oh, for crying out loud! You can't burn tyres here.
It's National Trust property, babe.
Hand over the bag! Drop the bag! You're absolutely right.
I knew this bag was a mistake with this coat.
The colours clash.
Oh, I know what you're thinking – never mind the coat, the shoes weren't exactly the most successful purchase! I look in the mirror and I think, ''Ugh, I look like a mad person!'' – Thank you, Ron.
– Should I shave my beard off for charity? – You haven't got one.
– Maybe I should shave my hair off.
Go for a Bobby Charlton – with a rogue hair from the side teased over! Oh, Ralphie Coates.
Do you remember old Ralphie Coates? Similar configuration.
I wonder what they call him these days – ''Rafe'' Coates, isn't it? Like ''The English Patient'' – ''Rafe'' Fiennes.
What if they made an Australian version? ''The Australian Patient'' starring ''Rofe'' Harris.
– Or ''Dofe'' Lundgren.
– Or ''Afe'' Garnett.
I'm just off for a round of ''gofe'' with ''Afefred'' Hitchcock and ''Wofe'' out of ''Gladiators''.
– Arseholes! – Arseholes, Ron? Sorry, I meant marvellous.
Right, I've been foraging, and I'm gonna be living mainly off worms, snails, moss anderthese mushrooms I found.
– I'm gonna be living off pizzas.
– Pizzas? – Yeah, there's a Pizza Hut down the road.
– This is a survivalist course.
You can't eat pizza! Why not? I'd survive.
The point of this exercise is we're supposed to be living off the land, as if we're behind enemy lines.
That's not very likely, is it? And, anyway, we're not in the army.
– What if we were invaded, then? – Not very likely.
And there'd still be Pizza Hut.
– What if we were at the bloody North Pole?! – Well, there wouldn't be any bloody worms! We've got to play the game or there is no point to any of this.
I'm not eating worms.
Well, I'll tell you what, we'll compromise.
We'll get some plain pizzas and top them with these mushrooms I've got.
– That way we'll be sort of half surviving.
– Yeah, all right.
– It's gripped! – It's sorted! – Let's go to Pizza Hut! – Let's half survive! Hello, dear.
How's it going? The weeds are taking over, the grass is a mess.
Did you get that stuff from the garden centre? Even better than that.
I got a Gregorian chant CD, a tea cosy shaped like a three–ton weight and a cap bra! In't the Mafia brilliant? Fantastic! You know, the Nosa Costra, the Costra Nothe Mafia.
I think they're about the most highly organised of all the organised crime organisations.
They really are organised.
The brilliant thing is, if they do you a favour, you have to do 'em one back, otherwise they might blow up your car – if you've got one.
Or they might make you sleep with a fish or put an animal in your bed.
I'm not sure of the exact terminology.
They might make you support a motorway or give you a concrete overcoat, which would be brilliant, but a bit heavy to walk in.
The Triads are all right, but they haven't had the same impact as the Mafia, who are brilliant! (COOLJAZZ) Hi.
You've got the best seats in the house.
Welcome to ''Jazz Club''.
Suuuu–perb! Jazz is a constantly progressing, constantly evolving musical art form.
Ragtime, Dixieland, swing, bebop, cool jazz, fusion, murder, third–stream, acid, dinner jazz, and, of course, Acker Bilk.
Shite.
And tonight, jazz on the cutting edge.
Ouch! Tonight we're in the presence of genius.
Well, actually, Genus.
Ted Genus, that is, from Milwaukee, with his band Wet Blanket.
Ted is famous for his jazz reworkings of classical music pieces.
Tonight he'll be performing a jazz version of perhaps the most famous piece of modern classical music.
Nice! So here's Ted Genus and Wet Blanket with John Cage's ''Four And A Half Minutes''.
(MOUTHS) (SILENCE) (MOUTHS) Go on! That's it! That's it! Quick! Good girl, go on! Run! (TRADITIONAL COUNTRY DANCE MUSIC) (ALL) Arse! Arse! Arse! – (PHLEGMY COUGHING) – Arse! And I didn't realise that Delia Smith's microphone was on, so the whole studio heard what I said.
Luckily, no one's gonna press charges and the police only held me for seven hours which was nice.
– Morning.
Don't worry, I'm not selling anything.
– Right.
I'm doing a survey on the area, checking what security measures people have got.
– So you ARE selling something.
– No, I'm not, honest.
– Fine.
– I'm thinking of moving round here.
I'm having a nose about to see how easy my life's gonna be.
Oh, well, it's lovely round here.
I mean, everyone's very friendly, it's very quiet.
– And, touch wood, there's hardly any crime.
– Oh, right, touch, result! 'Causeum How can I put this? Let me see.
You see, me, I'm like a one–man crime wave, I am.
No, I am.
I'm a little bit wuuuhh, a little bit wa–ay, a little bit whoosh–shh–shh! I'll nick anything.
So I'm having a look around to see what houses have got alarms.
– But you're not selling security? – No, I can nick stuff for you.
Keep out your average burglar, but not me 'cause I'm a geezer! Anyway, very nice to meet you, right.
You look after yourself.
And remember, whoosh–shh–shh! – Go on! – Oh.
Swishy–swoo–hoo! Very good.
Anyway, see yer.
Bye.
Nice lady.
Hello! Hello, there! Hello! Hello, I was wondering if you could help me.
My canteen's a bit low.
(COUNTRY ACCENT) I see! You'm lost and you'm wanting directions.
Right.
Now, you see this road here? You go up this road here until you come to a tree Lovely old tree.
No, you misunderstand me.
UmI need some water for my canteen.
Yes, it's very thirsty work hiking up and down the highways and byways.
– And you'll be needing directions – No, no.
No, I'm fully equipped.
I know exactly where I am.
I've never had to ask for directions ever.
I'm a fully experienced rambling hiker.
– You sure about that, then? – Yes, I'm quite sure.
What about down the end of that road there? You been down there? – I've just come from there.
– That's no guarantee! – I suppose not.
– You wanna watch where you're stepping, boy.
You might fall down a hole! Where would you be if you fell down a hole? – Yeah – What about the fog?! Stuck in a hole in the fog! Stuck in a hole in the fog in the middle of the night with an owl up a tree! Stuck in a hole in the middle of the night! Stuck down a hole with an owl! On your own! Behind the wall! Lovely old wall! Stuck down a hole with an owl in the middle of the night! It could happen! Stuck down a hole on your own in the middle of the night with an owl! We all went to the front of the class and held up what we'd made.
– The teacher said mine was the best.
– Hah! (DIDGERIDOO) Hello, and welcome to ''That's Amazing'', the show that literally looks at amazing things.
Now, robots! That's right, you heard what I said.
Robots.
We usually associate robots with the Japanese, along with some unpleasant stuff during the Second World War.
Am I allowed to say that? Yeah, course I can.
I'm Australian.
Tonight, we've got a bona fide, ''cut him in half and he bleeds lager'' Australian.
Please welcome Robert Howell and his ground–breaking technological marvel, Mr – I can't believe I'm gonna say this – .
.
Mr Dinkum.
– Robert, bring him on.
– Come on, Mr Dinkum.
– Oh, fantastic! Whoa! – There you go.
– He's a feisty little fella! – He certainly is.
– What makes Mr Dinkum so special? – What everyone always has wanted to do What everyone's wanted to do was build a robot that thinks like a human.
– You mean it can't always make up its mind? – No.
– He wants to get a divorce from his wife? – No.
– You mean it wishes it was down the pub? No.
– It wishes it could date Elle Macpherson? – No.
I was only playing round with you, mate, but I see you don't wanna go with it.
– So we'll go back to your computerised brain.
– Go ahead, ask him a question.
All right.
Tell me, what's the greatest country on God's earth? – (SQUEAKY VOICE ) That's easy.
Australia.
– That's fantastic.
The land of wonder! Right, then, Mr Dinkum, something a bit more tricky.
– Yes? – Particle accelerators.
In which year was the rotating signotron invented? – I dunno, Dad.
– Shh! I programmed him to think I was his dad.
– Why doesn't he know the answer? – He's mechanical, not a memory machine! – Why have a robot that's a moron? – He's not a moron! He's nearly caught up at school! He's working really hard.
We've had a few problems Don't touch that! You'll be zapped by a million volts! – G'day, mate.
– It was all his idea! – Go on, get off the show.
– That would've been believable on ''Dr Who''.
This season I'll be mostly wearing a thong.
I am the mushroom god! I am rugged! I am a survivor! (LYNDSAY VOMITS) ''Apocalypse Now''! I only eat what I can kill! I was stood here the other day.
I heard this really loud bang outside.
I rushed out there.
Two cars, one of them, right, on the wrong side of the road halfway up the pavement, the other car sat on top of it.
You know what it was, don't yer? Car accident.
Simple as that.
He–e–e–e–e–e–lp! It's looking at me all funny! (RAMBLES DRUNKENLY).
.
brrrrrrm, brrrrrrm! (SQUAWKING GEAR CHANGES) Brrrrm! (SQUAWKING GEAR CHANGE) (RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) (MAKES AEROPLANE NOISE) Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm! (MAKES MACHINE–GUN NOISE) Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh! Ah ah ah! (TRUMPETS LIKE AN ELEPHANT) Oh, dear me! (WHISTLES) (WHISTLES) (RAMBLES) Phmmmmmmmm! Bobble–lobble–lobble–lobble–lobble–lobble! (SUBMARINE ECHO) Powpowpow! Miaow! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Ohhhhh! Ha ha! Brrrm! .
.
and I said, no! I'm afraid I was very, very drunk.
– How are you getting on, Paul? – All right.
– About time we had the office smartened up.
– Shouldn't we get a decorator in, though? – No, we do it ourselves.
Decorating's child's play.
– What about the carpet? Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her.
If you're adventurous like me, you could try an underlay.
You can't go wrong with a carpet, but what about the wallpaper? Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste and stick her up.
Clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
Hello.
TC here.
We're now gonna witness a debacle.
It's a clip from the '70s British sex comedy, ''Confessions Of A Door To Door Cucumber Salesman''.
I often wonder what happened to Britain during the '70s, but thank God somebody, in the shape of M Thatcher, came along and saved us all.
I'm showing this clip as it features a cameo appearance from an ageing Arthur Atkinson.
They did offer me the role, but, during rehearsals, I found Kenneth Connor playing rummy with my wife Marie in a caravan on set.
I saw red and broke both his thumbs.
Terrible to–do.
In those days, the ''Carry On'' team were like gods.
I was forced out of Britain.
I had to do an Aussie sitcom with Old Wacko himself, Jimmy Edwards.
Still, Kenneth Connor never played cards with anyone's wife again! OK, here's the clip.
Morning, love.
It's big, it's fresh, it's all for you.
Hello, duckie.
It's my lucky day! Jeremy, get the best china.
We've got a guest.
No, it's all right, mate.
I've got the wrong house.
Good day.
Cor blimey! Oh! I'll wait for the milkman! How queer! – 'Ere, look, I'm selling cucumbers.
– Oh, right? – I can give you one! – You randy git! – Oh, Arthur, lend me your hosepipe.
– You keep away from me, you and your kind! I don't mind what goes on behind closed doors, but I won't have it rammed down my throat! It's not right! – (DOG BARKS) – Tiger, do be quiet.
– (BOING!) – It's a lovely day! Gorgeous! Ooh, that looks warm and hairy! – So what you got, then.
Is it big? – Enormous.
– I'm not talking about your cucumbers! – Neither am I! Come on, then.
I could do with a quick one! I'm feeling really randy! – Phwoarrrr! – Arthur! You're gonna spy on that young nymphette over the road again.
Well, someone's got to keep an eye on moral standards! I've a good mind to give her have a word with her! Where's me washboard? – Where's your what? – Never mind.
(QUIETLY) Trollop! 'Ere, you reckon he's on the job? She looked like a nympho to me.
– Lovely bit of crumpet.
– Yeah, I bet there's enough crumpet for all of us.
– Come on.
I like crumpet.
– Yeah, let's go and get some crumpet.
Blimey, they've gone sex mad down this road! Oh, well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Arthur! Arthur!