The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s03e04 Episode Script

These kids have got to be more sensitive to these bills.
I mean, look at them, they're Out of sight.
- Philip, stop looking at my chest.
- I'm sorry, honey.
It's just that ever since you've been pregnant they're back.
Is that all I am to you is a bustline? I'm sorry.
Did you say something, honey? - Hey, morning, y'all.
- Hey, baby.
Hey, check this out, Aunt Viv.
What are you doing? I learned in biology class that, you know, babies can respond to music while they still in the womb.
You know, like when you was carrying Carlton you kept listening to /t's a Sma// Wor/d After A//? Oh, the baby's kicking.
Who's that singing? Just a little Heavy D for Heavy V.
Will, it's bad enough you have an influence on Ashley.
Hands off the fetus.
All right, look, well, come on, can we at least make the kid be righteous? You know, like let him have an African name like Brother Outaphilia.
Oh, hey, check it out, I got him a gift.
Little itty-bitty X cap.
Little teeny-weeny Doc Martens.
Too cool for pre-school, right? Will, honey, why all this sudden interest in the baby? Well, I mean I've been able to save Ashley, but as far as your other two kids Let's just say they a couple of wings short of a bucket.
Just one minute, there is nothing wrong with Hilary and Carlton.
Daddy, how do you expect me to support myself if you don't increase your credit card limit.
Dad, I decided to throw caution to the wind.
V-neck! Coincidence? I think not.
Allow me.
- Dad, I'd like to try something out on you.
- Carlton, please.
Do I have to sit through your Urkel impression again? Maybe later, but right now I've been reading this book on negotiating - and I'd like to practice my technique.
- No.
I'm gonna look you straight in the eye and ask you again.
No, and get some Binaca.
Come on, big guy, work with me.
I'd like a raise in my allowance.
- All right, how much? - $75,000.
- Are you insane? - The book says start high.
And obviously you are.
- I'll give you $3 more a week.
- Gee, thanks, Dad.
Now I can stop taking money from your wallet.
Sorry, Margo, I can't make the Neiman sale.
No, now that I'm living on my own I have to do my own grocery shopping.
I know.
Okay, bye.
Hilary, honey, I'm really proud of you.
I don't think you've ever gone grocery shopping.
Well, I guess it's time I spread my wings.
This is the last time I shop here for fruit.
Oh, that's okay, Daddy.
You don't have to carry it, I'm a big girl.
Let go, Daddy.
Do your own shopping.
Dad, if you'd put a bell around her neck we'd at least know when she was coming.
- Shut up, Carlton.
- Okey-dokey.
Hilary, you're a 23-year-old woman living in your parents' pool house.
You haven't had a job in over two months.
- What do you have to say for yourself? - I'm not pregnant.
Honey Sweetheart I don't want to be too hard on you.
The hell I don't.
Get a job.
Why don't you just beat me with a wire hanger? Yo, yo, my posse, check it out.
In less than five minutes, yours truly is going to be on the 6:00 news.
And without handcuffs.
What, they use the old choke hold? This I got to see.
No, no, it was a peaceful protest.
Would even made Gandhi proud.
You know, except we went out for burgers afterwards.
Well, what were you protesting, Will? Well, you know, the city wants to tear down the rec center on Pico so a couple of us got together, started a petition.
You know, we get enough signatures, we might be able to save it.
So, when did you become so socially conscious? Well, you know, I play ball down there, and plus it's good for the community.
And there's also this girl down there on the swim team.
She teaching me the breaststroke.
Come on, you guys, the news is starting.
- Tear it down.
- Save the rec.
- Save the rec.
- Tear it down.
/'m standing outside the LA Recreationa/ Center on Pico Bou/evard.
The peop/e you see behind me a// have one thing in common.
Yeah, polyester.
Except for that guy holding the microphone.
He's kind of cute.
I wonder why I've never seen him before.
Probably 'cause this is the news and he's never been on Studs.
Doesn't matter.
He wouldn't be interested in me anyway.
I have no job.
I have no self-esteem.
- I'm nobody.
- Shut up! We're trying to hear the TV.
This p/ace is a magnet for urban decay.
/'ve been mugged here twice.
/ say tear the sucker down.
Of course, not everyone fe/t the same way.
Here we go, here we go.
/'m for the rec center because that's where / do most of my rec centering.
And when /'m not down with R-E-C, /'m down with R-A-P.
When / got home /ate from the grocery store Mama said, "Lock him out!" Now / know why Pops had to go 'Cause Mama is way whacked out! Mama is way whacked out! Good /uck, homey.
I don't believe that mess.
You know, it's the same thing every time they interview a black person on TV.
They either singing or dancing.
And they got curlers in their head or out of activator.
You know, Will, that really makes you think.
What's activator? Come on, man, you saw that story.
I mean, that ain't fair! Life isn't fair, Will.
I mean, was it fair when Bambi's mother died? Or is it fair that the coyote still can't catch the roadrunner? Or how about Roger Rabbit? How did he get a babe like that? You know, Carlton, you're right.
Life isn't fair.
Because if it was, then your legs wouldn't be shorter than your arms.
Hey, good morning.
Hi, Carla, any calls? Just another Ionely white woman wanting to sleep with you.
Carla, that is very unprofessional.
- Besides, how do you know she's white? - She's my mother.
Oh, forget it, Will.
Trevor's not gonna be interested in some unemployed freeloader.
Now, come on, Hil, look, your job is not your identity.
I mean, you got a lot of other things going for you.
- Like what? - Well, like the fact that you're Well, well, you know that you're y our hat always matches your shoes.
Talk about missing the obvious.
Thanks, Will.
Excuse me, miss last night this station did the crazy hatchet job on the rec center and I want to talk to somebody about it right now.
That would be our producer, Howard, but he doesn't talk to the viewing public.
It causes his ulcer to bleed.
Howard, there's someone here to see you.
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
- Oh, God.
- What? There's Trevor.
Oops! I dropped my wallet.
Could you get that for me, please? Look, if your horny friend wants to meet Trevor, he's down the hall to the right.
But you'll have to fight my mother for him.
Okay.
- Somebody here to see me, Carla? - An angry viewer.
I'm going to lunch.
See you tomorrow.
Look, kid, I've got an emergency here.
I've got to find a new weather man.
Whoa, look, I just need 30 seconds on the air to talk about why the rec center shouldn't be torn down.
Ethnic is definitely a way to go.
Yo, come on, man, look, this ain't about color.
Look, I ain't just some young rapper trying to get on TV, man.
Great legs.
Thanks a lot, man.
Hey, but, look, I ain't dancing either.
- Come on, this is serious.
- Look, kid, I gotta run.
All right, look, I'll dance, just no tap, all right? Maybe Mike here can help you.
Look.
Mike, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I need 30 seconds on the air to talk about why the rec center shouldn't be torn down.
Can you help me? I'm 60 and I'm pushing a mail cart.
Do I look like I can help you? Excuse me.
I'm Howard, the producer of News and Action.
- Could you do that again? - Do what? Stand like you were before on your toes.
Only this time I'd like you to point.
Incredible! How would you like to be a weather girl? I don't know the first thing about weather.
Sure you do.
- What happens when it rains? - You send Geoffrey out to get the car.
Hey, yo, man.
Look, I don't appreciate being played off like this, right? This is 'cause I'm black, right? That's why you won't put me on the air.
Look, I'm on to your little scheme and that one black anchor you got just ain't gonna cut it.
That's why I'm making her our new weather girl.
I love a screamer.
Oh, Will, this is all thanks to you.
I owe you big time.
No, Hil, this is great.
Now you can put me on the air.
Forget it.
What experience do you have? It's 'cause I'm black.
That's what the thing is.
Hey, yo, I don't believe this.
The news station won't let me come on to talk about the petition.
Will, Will, Will.
Haven't you learned anything living with me the past two years? What, you mean other than the words to Mandy? I'm talking about The Art of Negotiation and I'll be glad to share my wisdom with you.
No, no, no.
Last time you shared something with me I was on antibiotics for two weeks.
- Hi, boys.
- Hey, what's going on, Uncle Phil? So, Will.
Have any luck down at the news station? No, Uncle Phil.
It was kind of weird, too.
It was like no matter how much sense I was making, the dude wouldn't listen.
I don't know, it was almost like a discrimination type thing or something.
I don't know.
Boy, I wish I knew a lawyer.
What are you talking about? You know me.
- You? - Yeah.
No, Uncle Phil, I mean, you're this big-time lawyer and everything.
I mean, you ain't got time to help us little guys fight the system.
I mean, now, you did back in the day though.
You was the man back then.
But, you know, now Don't even worry about it, Uncle Phil.
It's all right.
We sha// overcome Wait a minute, Will, who'd you meet with down there at the station? Some producer named Howard, Uncle Phil.
Well, I think it's time you and I pay Howard another visit.
- Yes, sir, it is.
- Nobody pushes my nephew around - and gets away with it.
- No, sir, they do not.
I will slap that place with so many class-action suits they won't know what hit them.
- We// - Come on! Hi, everyone.
Did Will tell you the good news? - What? - I got a job.
- Hallelujah! - Praise Jesus, let's go, Uncle Phil.
No, no, no, wait a minute.
Now, it's not every day that my little baby gets a job.
- So, what will you be doing? - Okay, try to guess.
A limo will pick me up and take me home.
I'll make lots of money, and I'll only have to work an hour a day.
Oh, my God! She's gonna be a hooker! No, you idiot.
I'm gonna be a weather girl.
That is so great.
Get going, let's go, Uncle Phil.
What a surprise! You know, I didn't even know you were up for the job.
Well, I wasn't.
It's all thanks to Will.
Unlike you who kicked me when I was down Will took me by the hand and led me to the news station to meet Trevor Collins.
And, while I was there this guy, Howard, offered me the job.
I love Howard.
Whoa, whoa, Uncle Phil, come on, remember Howard's the enemy.
Shut up, Will.
Howard's a god.
He performed a miracle.
Hilary's working.
With any luck, she'll be off my property before I'm dead.
So, sweetheart, tell me about this Howard.
Does he like cashmere? My man, Carlton.
What's up with this negotiating thing, man? Hop on one foot and say, "Carlton is king.
" You know, I got a better idea.
How about I squeeze your neck till your head pops off? See, you're negotiating already.
You guys are the greatest.
Thanks for making sure I got here okay.
Come on, Hil, that's what family's for.
And besides, we never would have gotten past security without you.
- I don't understand.
- We were counting on that.
Hi, Carla, any calls? All right, come on, man, let's break.
I'm gonna demand to get on the air.
Will, has all that hot sauce finally gone to your brain? Look, there's a right way to negotiate and a wrong way.
Observe the right way.
Hi, I'm here to see Howard.
- Your name? - Bryant.
Bryant Gumbel.
And I'm Patti LaBelle.
Beat it.
Look, Patti, you seem like a no-nonsense kind of slimmy, right? So, I'm gonna give it to you straight.
Will, you gotta lie to get what you want.
Didn't you watch the Republican convention? Carlton, don't make me come down there.
Look, it's like this.
I need 30 seconds on the air to talk about why the rec center shouldn't be torn down and I don't care if I gotta force my way on the set to get it.
Let me get this straight.
You want to storm the set, disrupt a live newscast and jeopardize the credibility of this station.
- Yes.
- Will you be needing wardrobe? Five minutes to air, everybody.
Oh, Hilary, before you go on I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Dan Rather.
Wet your lips.
Thank you.
- So, how do you like the jacket? - Incredible.
Makes me look really buffed.
It sure does.
Hi, I'm Hilary Banks, I'm your new weather girl.
Well, welcome aboard.
You know the last person who had your job was really special to me.
I'm gonna miss Lou.
- I thought his name was Jack.
- Whatever.
Wow! I know.
Hi, I'm Trevor Collins and these are my real teeth.
- Wow! - I know.
My God, you have incredible eyes.
- Really? - Yes, I can see myself in them.
Don't blink.
And to conclude our story on the homeless I'd like to leave you with something a young girl named Dorothy once said "There's no place like home, Auntie Em "there's no place like home.
" Trevor.
Well, on a brighter note, Jack, our weather man, died.
So, it is now with great pleasure that I introduce the newest addition to the News and Action team, Hilary Banks.
- How's it looking for tonight? - Very promising.
Here in Southern California, we're experiencing a warm front with increasing humidity.
That's right, girls, it's a frizzy-hair day.
Looking at the nation, oh Looking at the nation, there's a cold front blowing in from the Atlantic with a high probability of rain in the Midwest.
The South, however, will enjoy pleasant and sunny weather.
So, if you're planning on going to the beaches, remember you can help keep America beautiful with two simple words Jenny Craig.
Now, let's go look at our big board for the local weather for the week.
Will! That's right, Will Smith here on community feedback.
Today's topic is the petition to save the Los Angeles Rec Center.
See, the rec center for a lot of us is, you know, it's like a home away from home.
The people down there, they understand us and they help keep us out of trouble.
Just hand me the mike and we'll pretend this never happened.
Oh, my God, can we get a close-up? I am so choked up at this moment.
Howard, the producer, has just asked me if he can sign the petition live on the air.
- What? - And, of course, the answer is yes.
Talk about a leader.
Talk about a man that's here to support his community.
Thank you, Howard.
Now for those of you that want to follow in Howard's footsteps there's still time.
You can get down to the LA Rec Center and sign a petition and show our kids that we really care.
Thank you.
Well, as I can see, my time has run out.
Trevor.
No wonder they love me, man.
Well, thank you for that commentary and please remember to put back my blazer.
Hilary, thank you for that delightful forecast.
We will certainly be looking forward to seeing more of your warm front.
I mean, the warm front.
Well, from all of us here on News and Action good night and Godspeed.
- Hi, Will.
- Hey, what's going on, Hil? Why aren't you in bed? Uncle Phil saw the news and he threatened to kill me in my sleep.
That's nice.
- With a big butcher knife.
- Good for you.
- Hilary, your hair's on fire.
- Thanks.
You know, Will, life doesn't get any better than this.
I mean, I have a great job, I met a great guy and I have the thinnest ankles of any girl I know.
So, you mean you're not mad at me for messing up your first day? Of course not.
I mean, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have got the job in the first place.
Thanks a lot, Hil.
I'm proud of you.
You know, I'm kind of proud of myself.
For the first time I feel like I know what it means to be an independent woman.
I think I'm gonna go back to my little pool house and toast myself with a glass of champagne.
- Good night, Hil.
- Good night, Will.
- Good night, Trevor.
- Good night and Godspeed.
Well, for all of us here at News and Action good night and Godspeed.
Another one in the can.
- Yes, you're in awe of me, aren't you? - I am.
- You're the best.
- I'm a god.
You're very good.
- Exce/ente.
- Yes.
Cut.
Pretty good.