The Great North (2021) s03e04 Episode Script

1
- Look up there ♪
- What do you see? ♪
Nature and stuff ♪
- Like a rock ♪
- And a tree ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
Catch some fish ♪
Or gaze at a bear ♪
Wow ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Here we live, oh, oh ♪
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
From longest night
to longest day ♪
In the Great North. ♪
Be right back. I got to pee.
I'll pause it
so you don't miss anything.
Uh, that's okay, Dad.
I've already seen
the delightful comedic
independent film Enough Said,
about the difficulties
of life after divorce.
Many times.
You always make us
watch it when it's your
pick on movie night.
So, no need to
Okay, and you did pause it.
So, that's perfect, thank you.
No offense, Mr. Tobin,
but I'm not sure
I really get this movie.
Moon said we were gonna watch
Maze Runner Two:
The Scorch Trials.
Yeah, sorry, I forgot
it was Dad's pick this week.
There is no greater
scorch trial, young Henry,
than searching for new love
in the bitter sands
of a painful divorce.
Beef, Enough Said is really
your favorite movie of all time?
Yes, and it's not even close.
I've pre-chiseled my gravestone
to simply read
"Beef Tobin: Enough Said."
My favorite movie is alcohol.
Yum, yum, yum.
Ah, Judy has returned.
Let's resume the movie.
Wonderful.
Oh, hey.
Someone's at the door.
Thank God.
I mean, I'll get it.
- Hi, Mrs. Tuntley.
- Hi, Judy.
I scurried over to get Henry
ASAP 'cause a sudden ice storm
is about to hit Lone Moose.
- Oh.
- I want to get him home
before the storm freezes
the roads and
Aah!
knocks out the power.
I got an alert on my phone.
The state troopers
are closing down the roads.
But I bet I could flash
a little leg at 'em
and they'd let me by.
The old Tuntley tease.
I don't think leaving
is a good idea.
It's pretty grim out there.
And with how frozen the
roads are, I doubt anybody's
gonna be getting out to
fix the power any time soon.
- We better hunker down.
- Oh, boy.
Should we put all
the guests in the panic room
and have them lock it
from the inside?
- What? Why?
- It's just that, historically,
when we've been cooped up
for too long with no power,
we Tobins go a little
Mm. Mm-hmm, yeah.
What's that phrase? Um
Stabby, stabby, kill, kill.
Now, now, no need
to scare our friends.
It's been years since
Moon even tried to cook
any of you over an open flame.
Let's just all agree to honor
the Tobin Ice Storm Accords.
What are the
Tobin Ice Storm Accords?
Oh, uh, after the last one,
we all signed that piece
of paper on the fridge
and it just says,
"Act normal until
the power comes back on!"
So, yeah, no yelling,
no food fights,
and no giving each
other revenge haircuts.
No wet willies or dry willies.
No pretending to be a Dracula
until half of us are crying.
- Sorry.
- And absolutely no holding
of sham bushiest beard
competitions
that only one person can win.
That was no sham.
I won by a mile.
But you don't
have to worry about that,
as I am also a signatory
to the accords.
And besides, there's plenty
of food in the kitchen,
more in the deep freezer,
we have a couple laptops
we can finish watching
the best movie of all time on,
and according to the Tivvy here,
the closet full of sleeping bags
doo, doo, doo, doo, doop
- is still full of sleeping bags.
- What's the Tivvy?
Oh that's
the Tobin family inventory.
It's where Dad keeps
a carefully organized list
of every single item
in the house.
From triple-A batteries to
our matching Christmas pajamas
to the Funko Pop dolls
of the entire cast of Damages
- that Wolf bought at an estate sale
- Best $4,000 I ever spent.
If it's under this roof,
the Tivvy has proof.
This thing is crazy.
There's an Altoid tin with
everybody's baby teeth in it
on the top shelf
of the southwestern bookcase
in the attic?
Good to know.
Ooh, Cheesecake,
you and I can use the time
- to practice our bo staffs.
- Bo boys!
Ooh, I'm staff-curious.
- Then get ready to get staff-serious.
- Yes, perfect.
Everyone just find something
to keep them occupied,
and we'll weather
this storm just fine.
Hey, uh, Dad?
Are you guys sure you can't
turn the movie down?
Enough Said is enough loud!
No, you can't adjust the volume
on this 2004 Lenovo Thinkpad.
- It's broken.
- Okay, wonderful.
Bo boys, please bo outside
and freeze to death.
Sorry, Judy,
there's absolutely bo way
any of us are leaving
the house right now.
It's more slippery than an eel
in suntan lotion out there.
That's slippery as hell.
Hey, guys.
I think I mastered the spin.
Don't give up, Jer.
Keep spinning.
Bo Boys! Bo Boys! Bo Boys!
Raah!
Guys, hush.
We're watching a movie.
- Oh, no.
- Dang it. We still had half to go.
Now we'll never see her
yell at the guy
for not helping her carry
the massage table upstairs.
But you've already
watched it, like, 20 times.
- It's comforting.
- Not to worry.
I believe we have
one last laptop
Kathleen's old Dell.
Here we go.
It's in a box in the cellar.
I'll be right back.
So, Dad is going to get another
computer to play Enough Said?
Can't we talk him into
watching something else?
- Anything else?!
- Ah, we tried.
But since it's been dark
for three days,
he keeps saying that technically
it's still his movie night.
So, what
we just have to sit here
listening to the frigging movie
about divorce again and again
until the stupid power
comes back on?!
- Not on my watch.
- Everybody, calm down.
Your father will be back in a
second. Don't do anything crazy.
Mrs. Tuntley's right. Let's
not go insane in the To-brain.
Ha-ha!
Too late!
Sounds like the crowd is
restless for more Enough Said.
Aha! There you are.
Great news, all.
I found Kathleen's old Dell
right where the Tivvy
said it would be,
along with a spare battery
and a cordless battery charger.
I bet we have enough juice
to watch this wonderful story
of acceptance and redemption
one and a half more
Ham.
What have you done?
You broke my Enough Said DVD?
Did I?
Did I?
- I did.
- Ham, not another word.
You don't want to incriminate
yourself any more than
being caught red-handed and
also confessing already has.
Dad, a crime has been
committed against you.
Would you like to press charges?
- I believe I would.
- Yes.
- Uh-oh. It's happening.
- Do we need to look at
that Ice Accords
piece of paper again?
Ham, you better lawyer up, pal,
'cause you got a date
- with Lady Justice.
- I'll get my gavel and robes.
What on Earth is going on?
We have a way of litigating
our most egregious crimes
in this family, Mrs. Tuntley.
Hold on to your boobs,
'cause it's about to get weird.
- All rise.
- Are you wearing a garbage bag?
Order. Order.
Moon Court is now in session.
Mr. Ham,
do you have an attorney
or would you like the court
to appoint one for you?
No jury in the world
would convict me.
I'll take the case, Your Honor.
While I abhor the crime,
I believe everyone
deserves a proper defense.
Your Honor, I have a question.
- I'll allow it.
- What is happening right now?
- I can answer that, Your Honor.
- I'll also allow that.
Moon Court
is a Tobin family tradition
in which interfamily
disputes are resolved
by holding a full trial,
complete with a jury, lawyers,
- and Judy is the courtroom stenographer.
- Guilty.
My first Moon Court
was two months ago
when Wolf accused me
of leaving the toilet seat up,
causing him to fall
into the toilet
in the middle of the night.
He lost, badly.
I couldn't get
a fair trial of my peers
because no one here
is on my level.
So, I'm guessing
the rest of us are the jury?
- Sustained.
- Does he think that means yes?
Sustained.
And Wolf's wearing a hat
that he wrote "bailiff" on.
- So he's the bailiff.
- Sustained.
Hey, only the judge
gets to say "sustained."
- Objection, Your Honor.
- Overruled.
- Sustained.
- Contempt.
And if it pleases the court,
I'd like to announce that
I am also the prosecutor.
It pleases the court very much.
Why is Ham on trial?
He confessed to the crime.
Come on, Jerry. Haven't you
ever seen a court show?
It could turn out Ham didn't do it.
He might have been coerced
into a false confession.
Maybe they did a whole
good cop/bad cop thing on me.
Did they?
- Did who?
- Okay.
My favorite part is the sentencing.
Whatever Judge Moon rules,
we have to do it.
One time, after being found
guilty of buying himself
a World's Greatest Dad mug,
Moon sentenced Dad to sing
the "Gatorade is Thirst Aid"
jingle for a week
whenever he took
a sip of coffee.
For that deep-down body thirst.
The jury may be seated.
Bailiff, direct them to the jury box.
- This rules.
- Sustained.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, you're
gonna be hearing a
lot of big words today.
Words like "code red,"
and "who ordered the code red?"
- What's a code red?
- It's a reference
to the movie A Few Good Men.
Tom Cruise at his absolute finest.
I'm kind of acting like
breaking the DVD was a code red.
You'll catch on.
As I was saying,
you'll be hearing "code red."
From me. A lot.
But one word you're not
going to hear is "innocent."
You want the truth?
You can't handle the truth.
Ham ordered the code red.
I rest my case.
So, how does Ham Tobin
wind up in this court
fighting for his life?
I can't wait to find out!
What happened here today
wasn't the behavior
of the Ham we know.
Uh-uh.
These were the actions
of a young man who found
himself trapped in this
house like an animal caged,
nothing to eat
but peanut butter,
and nothing to eat it with
but his fingers.
Objection.
We have spoons.
- You can't object to a opening statement.
- I'll allow it.
My point, ladies and gentlemen
and child of the jury,
is that a person like Ham
doesn't simply turn
to a life of crime.
No, no, no.
Unless they are pushed.
Someone else ordered
the code red.
Ham was simply following orders.
Follow the money.
I rest my case.
- Great job.
- You too.
- Love the maniacal laughter.
- Aw, thank you.
Court will adjourn
for a brief snack recess.
I would instruct the jury
to remain sequestered
in the panic room
and not to talk to the press
or discuss the case
with each other.
- So, the trial is over?
- No, it just started.
But you both said
"I rest my case."
- Because it's fun to say.
- But that means the trial is over.
- Objection.
- You can't object to the jury.
- Can he?
- Overruled.
- Your Honor
- Sustained. And contempt.
You know,
I still don't understand why Ham
We can't discuss the case, Jerry.
Do you want to be held
in contempt of court?
Oh, okay.
So everybody's lost it
from being trapped for three days.
That's fine.
I'll just eat my cheese.
Hello.
I'm writing a frothy tell-all
about the American
criminal justice system
and you are definitely not
supposed to be talking to me
about the case so,
would you like to talk to me
about the case?
- Absolutely.
- Oh, okay.
So, now we are
talking about the case?
- Uh, yeah, we want to be famous.
- Okay. Sure.
This trial will now continue.
Mr. Tobin, call your first witness.
The prosecution would like to
call Mrs. Tuntley to the stand.
- But I'm in the jury.
- Objection.
Okay, then. Here I come.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth
and nothing but the truth,
- so help you Godzilla?
- I do.
Ma'am, please do
a Godzilla voice.
I do.
Mrs. Tuntley, could you
describe for the court
what Mr. Ham did
to the Enough Said DVD?
I can tell you
what he didn't do
he didn't bother
to wash the peanut butter
off his hands before snapping
that DVD into little pieces.
Your witness, counselor.
- Mrs. Tuntley, do you wear glasses?
- Yes
Tell me, what does it say
on the big giant tablet thingie
- held by the Statue of Liberty?
- I I don't know.
Really? The Statue of Liberty
is 151 feet tall.
Would you consider that
large or small, Mrs. Tuntley?
Large?
I think
we all can agree on that.
Now, the big giant tablet alone
is 23 feet tall.
Are you telling me you can't read
a 23-foot-tall copper tablet,
Mrs. Tuntley?
I don't have it in front of me.
Okay, so you admit
that you would need
a 23-foot-tall giant tablet
to be right in front of you
- in order to be able to read it?
- Well, I-I-I
The tablet held
by the Statue of Liberty
says "July 4, 1776," Mrs. Tuntley.
Each letter of that sacred date
is about eight feet tall.
Now, if you can't read
eight-foot-tall letters
etched into metal
and etched into history,
how could you possibly have seen
my client do anything?
Damn, she's good.
Your Honor, this is all hearsay,
follow the money,
motion to strike the witness,
motion to dismiss,
- I rest my case.
- But do you?
Wolf, do you have
any further witnesses?
The prosecution rests,
Your Honor.
The defense also rests, Your Honor.
Although I'm going to interrupt
my own closing statement
with a surprise witness.
The court will now gasp.
Your Honor,
ladies and gentlemen of
the jury, I'll make this brief.
Ham Tobin is guilty.
He broke the DVD,
his alibi is more slippery
than an eel in suntan lotion,
which, as we've established,
is slippery as hell.
- Do I even have an alibi?
- You do not.
And that's why you'll burn.
Ham ordered the code red.
You can handle the truth.
I rest my case.
Counselor,
don't control your client.
- Dad, help!
- Order! Order!
Miss Shaw-Tobin.
Your closing statement, please.
Your Honor, house guests
of the jury,
before we send this young man
to his room for eternity,
the defense would like to call
a surprise witness.
- The defense calls Wolf Tobin.
- Pelican's Briefs!
Mr. Tobin, please
examine exhibit nine million.
- Tell us what you see.
- It's a broken shard of a DVD
of the hit Nicole Holofcener
movie Enough Said.
- Do you see teeth marks on the DVD?
- I'm not a CSI: Las Vegas,
but there do appear to be some
kind of puncture wounds on it.
But they look too small
to be human.
Unless you're suggesting
that a baby bit the DVD.
- He said a baby bit the DVD.
- I love this guy.
Defense enters
the Tobin family inventory
commonly known as the Tivvy
into evidence.
Mr. Wolf, please look at page 483,
and read for us entry 3XB12.
It's a listing for an Altoid
tin of baby teeth.
And if we were to open
the Altoid tin right now,
we know from the Tivvy
that inside it
we find baby teeth belonging
to Ham, Judy, and Moon.
Do you see where I'm going
with this?
I'm not
a Law and Order: SVU.
Now, Mr. Wolf,
I'm gonna ask you to do
something a little unusual.
Could you humor us please
and bite the DVD
where you see these
supposed puncture marks.
Wha Objection. Uh, wh-what
about the chain of custody?
The witness will humor us,
as instructed.
- Bite that DVD, Wolf.
- The court will now hear
some more encouragement
for the man to bite the DVD.
Press play on your lips, Wolf.
- Put the movie in your mouth.
- Chomp the disc, son.
I did it!
Okay, I did it!
I bit Enough Said.
I betrayed my own father.
- Oh, God.
- Okay, I like this now. This is fun.
The reason Wolf's baby teeth
aren't to be found
in the Altoid tin
is because Wolf Tobin
still has his baby teeth
in his mouth.
He never grew adult teeth.
And those tiny, precious
little corn kernels
match up perfectly with
the bite marks on the DVD.
Wolf ordered the code red.
- Oh, no!
- I'm not guilty, Daddy!
I hope you have a lawyer, because
you no longer have a father.
Wolf Tobin,
you stand accused of biting
the Enough Said DVD in half
with your precious little
raspberry seed baby teeth.
How do you plead?
I plead insanity, Your Honor.
Whoa!
Ugh, we should've done that.
He's really stealing our thunder.
Mr. Wolf Tobin,
do you have counsel?
With your permission, I will be
representing myself, Your Honor.
My permission? I insist.
Did my client, Wolf
Tobin, bite the DVD like
a beautiful, intelligent,
very cool wild animal?
Yes. But as this defense
will lay out over the next
month and a half
- Month and a half? Objection.
- Overruled.
My client, me, had no choice
but to bite that DVD.
Was I insane? Yes.
But I bit that DVD to keep everyone
else from also going insane.
Also, Wolf's a hero,
not all heroes wear capes,
and I did not order the code red.
And I rest my case.
Wolf, if that's your whole case
I'm definitely
going to find you guilty.
Wait, I-I unrest.
I have a bunch more case to do.
Fine, but I have to pee. Court
will recess for a pee break.
If the jury needs to pee,
please sequester your pee
to the panic room.
Habeas corpus.
Probably not supposed to
say this to opposing counsel,
but, uh, you make
The Lincoln Lawyer
look like the Lincoln Loser.
You're not such a bad piece
of evidence yourself, counselor.
What do you say
we take this rivalry
from the courtroom
to the bedroom?
Welp, this
is going in my tell-all book.
Personally, I'm appalled,
but it's exactly the kind
of stuff that moves units.
I know it's kind of hack
to joke about not going in there, so I'm
gonna be completely
serious. Don't go in there.
Defense would like to call
the Bo Boys to the stand.
Mr. Cake, please describe
what kind of man Wolf Tobin is.
And a reminder:
you are under oath, sir.
Wolf Tobin is a cool guy,
a good friend,
and a great Bo Boy,
Your Majesty.
Now, Mr. Jerry,
how would you describe
- Wolf's relationship with his father?
- Very close. I've heard Wolf
refer to him
as his Prince Charming.
I've also heard Wolf
refer to himself as Mrs. Dad.
Sounds very cool.
Now, in your expert opinions,
as Bo Boys,
would you say that my client,
me, is clinically insane?
Nuttier than Mr. Peanut's
bachelor party.
I mean, imagine the guys
who would show up to that.
Objection, Your Honor.
Calls for speculation.
Mr. Wolf, do you in fact
have any evidence of what type
of guys would show up to
Mr. Peanut's bachelor party?
- Uh, d overruled.
- I find you in contempt.
Counselors!
Both of you, my chambers, now.
I do declare.
Now, we've been over this,
counselors,
only I get to say
the coolest stuff like
"I hold you in contempt."
Also, my patience
with your trial of yourself
is wearing thin, Mr. Wolf.
I'm trying, but there's nothing
I can do with this client.
The jury hates him.
No offense to me,
and none taken.
I'm sorry, I'm a little lost.
Are we all actually
crazy now from this storm,
- or are we still having fun?
- Let's get back in there and find out.
Stenographer,
could you read back
the most recent exchange?
Absolutely, Your Honor,
and thank you for asking.
"The wheels of justice
turn slowly,
but if you get caught in the gears,
your bones are ground to dust.
That's what
Dorothy Tuntley thought
- as she sat"
- Wait, what are you reading?
Oh. Well, I've been working
on a frothy tell-all.
It's an indictment of Moon Court
and it's called Are you there,
Law? It's me, Judy.
Well, that's jury tampering,
and you know what that means.
Judy Tobin
is now also on trial.
Ms. Tobin, do you have a lawyer?
- Sure, it's, uh Ham.
- All right.
I'll stop being
the crazed criminal
and start being
an underpaid public defender
who always mops
his forehead with his tie.
Sustained.
The court will now
move on to the trial
of Judy Tobin.
Wait, no.
Excuse me, Your Honor,
but the trials of Wolf
and Ham Tobin aren't concluded.
There is more information
about the death of the DVD
- that hasn't come out yet.
- Please, she had a name.
Her name was Enough Said.
Your Honor, I call myself,
Wolf Tobin, to the stand.
The crowd may go wild.
Who ordered the code red?
We live in a world
that has walls.
And those walls have to be
guarded by men with baby teeth.
Who's gonna do it you?
I'll ask you again.
Who ordered the code red?
Papa, forgive me.
I went insane, Papa.
We all did.
Elaborate on that, Mr. Wolf.
What do you mean, "We all did"?
Ham and I didn't act alone.
There are others here
who helped kill Enough Said.
What is going on here?
It's true.
I bit the DVD in half.
But at that point, I was just
getting in on the fun.
The DVD was already broken
in half by Jerry,
who snapped the DVD with his bo staff.
That was an accident!
Mr. Jerry, please join the defendants.
This isn't fair. Mrs. Tuntley
ordered the code red.
When Beef went down
to the cellar,
Mrs. Tuntley told us
if we didn't like the movie
- we could break the DVD.
- You keep your mouth shut, Jerry!
And that's when I accidentally
hit it with my bo staff.
It cracked a little,
and then Wolf bit it
with his tiny little
Detective Pikachu teeth,
but it didn't fully break.
That's when Ham,
who hates feeling left out
- Guilty as charged.
- finished the job by snapping the DVD
with his peanut butter hands.
Henry's mom,
are these accusations true?
I might have suggested that
if the DVD were to somehow break
we wouldn't be able
to watch it anymore.
But I didn't think
anyone would actually do it.
Henry, take the witness stand
so you can hang out with me.
Henry's mom,
join the defendants' table.
Bailiff, go to the cellar
and get some extra chairs.
- Uh, yes, Your Honor.
- Son, while you're down there,
would you take the carton
of soup labeled Barley,
June, 2019
out of the deep freezer
- so I can start making dinner?
- Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning.
Right.
Okay, the shrimp chowder, then.
That's more of a breakfast soup.
In conclusion, my
client is insane, Mrs. Tuntley
ordered the code red,
and I do rest my case.
For real.
Guess I'll just
Okay. I'll sit here.
Since the jury in this trial
had to be dissolved
due to everyone being a party
to the crime, a key witness,
or having ordered the code red,
I have no choice but to take
the weight of justice
into my own hands
and move on to sentencing.
- Yuh-oh.
- Wolf Tobin,
you are hereby sentenced to death.
Get on your feet, you lowlife.
What?
Have mercy on me, Your Honor.
I'm too young to die.
I don't even have
my big boy teeth yet.
Moon, please don't sentence
your brother to death.
Father, you are also
sentenced to death.
- You'll never take me alive!
- Mrs. Tuntley,
- death sentence.
- Exciting.
- Henry, death sentence.
- Hey.
- Jerry, death sentence.
- Okay, I don't like this again.
- Honeybee, innocent.
- Correct.
- Judy, death sentence.
- Fair.
- Ham, death sentence.
- Not if I death you first.
And now I will choose
who we eat.
What about the Tobin
Ice Storm Accords?
I wouldn't mind
a little bite of Jerry.
Aah! No!
Oh, uh-oh.
There we go.
Look out, Jerry!
- Get him, Moon, get him!
- Huh?
Ah. Well, looks like
the power is back.
So it is. Henry, hon,
let's pack up and head out.
Court adjourned.
I am never
coming over here again.
Well, we came very
close to violating the Tobin
Ice Storm Accords, but no
one actually ate anyone,
so the most important treaty of
our modern age remains intact.
And I didn't mention it
during the trial
because everyone was having fun,
but I actually keep a backup
DVD of Enough Said
in the tsunami kit.
So I call dibs on the TV
for an Enough Said watch party.
Code red on Dad!
Grab his beard, grab his beard!
Contempt! Code
red back on you guys!
Enough said ♪
Enough said ♪
Enough said ♪
Enough said ♪
Enough said ♪
Enough said ♪
Enough said. ♪