The IT Crowd s03e04 Episode Script
Speech
Wow.
That's quite something.
Quite an honour.
I know.
They really must be very impressed with you.
I didn't even know they had an employee of the month thing here.
Really? I thought you won it once.
No, that was everyone thought I was dead.
A-ha.
Hmm, employee of the month.
Yeah, it's, it's a valued title.
Have you ever won it? Er, no.
No, I haven't.
I don't know, Jen, sometimes I think it's because I just want it, so damn much! I am the employee of the month.
And yet, to a casual observer, it would appear that you do very little around here.
Yeah, they must have seen through that.
I think someone up there must have sensed something in me.
Something I've always known was there, er a greatness? No, I'm not saying that, buti mean, something Yeah, yeah, I'm sensing something.
Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.
Moss, guess who's won employee of the month? -Roy.
-No.
-Richmond.
-No.
Harry.
Who's Harry? -The postman.
-No.
Me.
No.
I said Roy, right? Richmond? Me! Oh, about time! Whatever happened to Richmond? He got scurvy.
subsBusters proudly presents The.
IT.
Crowd.
S03E04 Can you be more specific? I'm trying to picture your role in Reynholm Industries.
Well, I'm the boss, head honcho, el numero uno, Mr Big, The Godfather, Lord Of The Rings, the Bourne Identity, er Taxi Driver, Jaws.
I forgot the question, quite a while back.
Who are you again? I'm April Shepherd.
You've been my Richest magazine's Man Of The Year.
I'm doing the profile.
Oh yes, that's right.
I know you're the boss, but what does that entail? Oh, many things.
Like this morning, for instance.
I had to choose the Employee Of The Month, from the box.
May I ask, what are you doing on that pad? One of my little hobbies is caricature.
Sometimes, I like to sketch someone as I'm talking to them.
May I? Well, I'm not very good.
I'm no Truman Capote.
Great, OK.
Um I'll tell you what, let's just do some quick-fire questions.
Maybe they'll give me an insight into the real you.
-OK.
-Right Tell me, who's your favourite person from history? Sherlock Holmes.
Well, he's fictional.
Whoa! I think you'd better check your facts there.
Fictional? Who took care of the business with the giant dog that was eating everybody? Well, it wasn't Watson.
Don't tell me, I suppose he was fictional too.
Maybe there was no giant dog.
(LAUGHS) No, no, I think you're playing games with me, young lady.
OK, then, favourite fictional character.
Oh, ha-ha, ha! The Elephant Man.
Tell you what, let me widen the question out.
Favourite popular figure? Churchill.
Well, what is it you like about him? I love the way he says, "Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
" I think, perhaps it's you who's playing games with me.
You're a very surprising man, Mr Reynholm.
Yes.
I am a surprising man.
April, may I take you to dinner? Oh, I don't think I could.
.
In Paris.
Paris? Paris, yes.
It's the name of a new restaurant in Hull.
That's right, we're going to Hull! (Hey, Roy, come over here.
Look at this.
) "The biggest adventure you can ever take "is to live the life of your dreams" - Oprah Winfrey.
I suppose that is the biggest adventure.
Guys, come on in.
Sit down.
Is this a new desk? Yeah, I thought I needed some new furniture.
So, I got some stuff from upstairs.
Sit down, please.
I just thought, what with all this extra attention on us on me, it might be worth looking at ourselves and saying, "Hey, am I really giving it 110 per cent?" And if not, "Why not? What the heck is wrong with me? "Am I mentally ill or something?" Roy, let's start with you.
When you're upstairs, fiddling about with computers would it hurt to smile? Don't you realise what a difference that would make? Eh? Come on, let's see a smile now, come on.
No, more warmth, warmer.
You're just showing more teeth, that's not warmth.
I would say that's more of a threatening look, actually.
I'll tell you what, Roy, keep at it.
That's your homework.
Moss.
So, what's your speech going to be about? What speech? Every employee of the month has to give a speech in their area of expertise.
Which for you is computers.
Where do I have to? At the monthly shareholders meeting.
When do I have to? Friday.
What time? Morning.
How's that? What's up, guys? All right, Jen? Urgh! God! Just writing a speech.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
How's that going? Good, good, good, good You know, I was thinking, er if there's anything you guys wanna say, I can put it in, it's no problem.
Oh, oh, yeah, oh, mm, interesting.
Um, is there anything you'd like to say to the shareholders, Moss? Just say, "Hi.
" Say, "Hi," from us.
OK.
I love this.
I wonder how many more times she's gonna come in.
You know, I think, maybe, it'd be a good idea if you two contributed to this, I really do.
Oh, yeah.
Why? Hmm.
I think, I think it would give you experience in writing a speech for a public figure.
Well, obviously, in our line of work that would be handy.
But, you know what, Jen, I'm actually, I'm snowed under here.
Wait a second! Wait a second! Oh, oh, what are we doing? Eh? We should totally write that speech! -What? Why? -Okay Offer to write the speech for Jen.
No.
You have to! I cannot do it! She'll know something's up if I do it! -You have to do it! -Why would I do that? Moss, do you trust me? No.
Do you trust me? No.
Right, If you trust me, then offer to write that speech! I.
Don't.
Trust.
You.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi.
'I feel really bad having all the fun writing this speech.
' (Offer, offer, offer.
) Well, I suppose we could write the speech so that, you know, you look like you know what you're talking about.
Thanks, I'm off for lunch.
Leave it on my desk.
My God.
I know.
That's brilliant.
So, now you understand why we have to write that speech for Jen.
She will say anything we tell her to.
She will say anything we tell her to.
We can put any old bollocks in that speech and she shall repeat it.
It's going to be hilarious.
Sometimes I could kiss your mind, Roy.
OK, so let's just, um I don't know, let's just throw around a few ideas.
OK.
OK.
Ahoh, could we tell her that there's an apple inside every Apple Mac? -It's good.
-Yeah.
We could say that Bill Gates is called Bill Gates, because he owns a lot of gates.
Hmmm.
That's good, but it's not quite punchy enough, and it's probably true now anyway.
I'll bet he does own a lot of gates.
He probably does.
It's got to be something big! I think I may have it.
What? You best put seatbelts on your ears, Roy, 'cause I'm gonna take them for the ride of their lives! Delightful.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're silly.
Do you know, I've never been so enchanted by a woman in all my life.
What's your name again? I know you told me.
April.
Ah, what a charming name.
Always been one of my favourites.
April, after dinner, would you do me the honour of accompanying me to my bed? Oh, erm No, I've said too much! I've let my heart overpower my head, which is my wont.
But I don't care.
I find you enchanting.
And there's a condom machine in the toilet.
I've checked! I'm very flattered, Douglas but, erm, -there's a problem, something I should tell you.
-Go on.
Erm, I I have a secret.
I could dance around the subject, but I like you, Douglas.
I want to be straight with you.
Oh? I used to be a man, Douglas.
I used to be a man.
I wish there was an easier way of saying that, but, believe me, there's not.
I've had a lot of hormone therapy and a number of operations.
I'm really sorry.
I hope you don't feel I deceived you.
I understand if you would rather I left.
I don't care.
What? Doesn't bother me.
Doesn't bother you at all? It takes all sorts to make a world.
Wow, it bothers most men.
I am not most men and the offer still stands.
Are you up for it? Amazing, just amazing.
You liked it? You really know your way around that area.
Well Tell me, what are you doing tomorrow night, April? I was thinking of staying in and watching the darts.
You've read my mind.
'60s Swing music What is it? This, Jen, is the internet.
What? That's right.
This is the internet? The whole internet? Yep.
I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.
It's so small.
That's one of the surprising things about it.
Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything.
It's wireless.
Oh, yes, everything's wireless nowadays, yeah.
I can use it in my speech? What if someone needs it? Oh, no, no, people still be able to go online.
It will still work.
Oh, good.
Good.
I tell you, you present this to the shareholders and you will get quite a response.
Can I touch it? Ooh, it's so light.
Of course it is, Jen.
The internet doesn't weigh anything.
Ha-ha.
No, of course it doesn't.
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
Hey! What is Jen doing with the internet? Moss said I could use it for my speech.
Are you insane? What if she drops it? I won't drop it, I'll look after it.
No.
No, no, no, no, Jen.
No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.
Big Ben? It goes on top of Big Ben.
That's where you get the best reception.
I promise I won't let anything happen to it.
No, Jen, I'm sorry.
The elders of the internet would never stand for it.
No, no, Roy.
I spoke to the elders of the internet, not one hour ago.
I told them Jen had won employee of the month and they were so impressed - wanted to do whatever they could to help.
Wait a minute, the elders of the internet? The elders of the internet know who I am? You've got to let me have it! No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just too risky.
Oh, please, Roy.
Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised? By Stephen Hawking himself.
He sends his congratulations.
Well, if it's OK with the Hawk.
So, can I have it? You can.
Oh, don't forget your speech.
Oh, thank you.
Slowly.
April, these past few days have been like a dream.
Usually, I can't wait to get away from a woman once I've ejaculated, but with you, I don't know, I feel alive.
April, I love you.
What? That's right, I totally love the bloody arse off you.
Oh, Douglas, I love you too.
Oh, poppet, to think when we met, you were so worried that you came from Iran.
What? When we met.
As if I'd be worried about something like that.
I don't care where you're from.
Iran, France, doesn't bother me.
I'm very modern.
I'm not from Iran.
Well, you said something along those lines.
No, not Iran, a man.
I said I used to be a man! You used to be a man? Yes! Oh, God! Well, we have a very interesting talk lined up for today.
Our employee of the month, and computer expert, Jen Barber, has kindly agreed to say a few words about her role in the IT department.
Now, speaking as someone who doesn't know the difference between a laptop and, erm, the larger one, I'm certainly looking forward to hearing what she has to say.
(STIFLES LAUGHTER) Good morning.
When I was asked to give a speech about what it is I do and everything, I was very excited.
At last, I thought, a chance to explain the wonders of technology to ordinary folk.
But then I thought, "Who wants to listen to a boring old speech?" Wouldn't it be better if I could actually bring one of these wonders in to show you it? Say, oh, I don't know, the internet! I think it would - and I have.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you the internet! No flash photography, you'll harm it.
Ladies and gentlemen Why's no-one laughing? If anything were to happen to this box, the world as we know it would fall into chaos.
Planes would drop from the sky, like tables.
Society would tear itself apart like an angry child with a napkin.
Man's primeval instinct to survive at any cost, would lead to terrible violence, so, please, no flash photography.
I must say this is all very impressive, Douglas.
What exactly are you working on? I dunno.
April, we need to talk.
Darling, couldn't we do this at home? I was hoping we'd get shit-faced and watch telly.
There'll be no more getting shit-faced and watching telly.
There'll be no more Steven Seagal marathons, and there'll be no more paintballing weekends.
I'm afraid our adventure has come to an end.
What? But But why? It's not you, it's me.
No, actually it's not me, it is you.
I'm sorry.
You don't think of me as a woman, do you? What? Of course I do! It bothers you that I used to be a man.
No, I love that you used to be a man.
It's your thing.
I love thinking about that operation that you had.
Oh, please, look at me.
I am a woman.
This is a woman in front of you.
Excuse me.
I am a woman! You're tearing me apart.
Please, Douglas I'm sorry, it's beyond my control.
Please, Douglas, please! Just go.
You're making this harder for me.
How could you do this? How could you do this to me?! You bastard.
And that's what the flashing light's for.
Any more? Is it heavy? Is it heavy? That's a bit of a silly question.
The internet doesn't weigh anything.
OK, guys, I guess I should wrap it up.
(THEY GROAN) No, no.
I really have to finish up.
More! More! More! More! Guys! Oh, my God, you really like me.
This really isn't that funny.
I know, it's terrible.
I thought at least we'd get a good story out it.
you know? Something we'd remember.
It's over, April.
Oh, Jesus.
The internet! Argh! We're all gonna die! SCREAMING AND SHOUTING Everybody, stay calm! 'He needs to hold his nerve 'He's done it!' But it's not the same.
(SOBS) Oh, April.
subsBusters
That's quite something.
Quite an honour.
I know.
They really must be very impressed with you.
I didn't even know they had an employee of the month thing here.
Really? I thought you won it once.
No, that was everyone thought I was dead.
A-ha.
Hmm, employee of the month.
Yeah, it's, it's a valued title.
Have you ever won it? Er, no.
No, I haven't.
I don't know, Jen, sometimes I think it's because I just want it, so damn much! I am the employee of the month.
And yet, to a casual observer, it would appear that you do very little around here.
Yeah, they must have seen through that.
I think someone up there must have sensed something in me.
Something I've always known was there, er a greatness? No, I'm not saying that, buti mean, something Yeah, yeah, I'm sensing something.
Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.
Moss, guess who's won employee of the month? -Roy.
-No.
-Richmond.
-No.
Harry.
Who's Harry? -The postman.
-No.
Me.
No.
I said Roy, right? Richmond? Me! Oh, about time! Whatever happened to Richmond? He got scurvy.
subsBusters proudly presents The.
IT.
Crowd.
S03E04 Can you be more specific? I'm trying to picture your role in Reynholm Industries.
Well, I'm the boss, head honcho, el numero uno, Mr Big, The Godfather, Lord Of The Rings, the Bourne Identity, er Taxi Driver, Jaws.
I forgot the question, quite a while back.
Who are you again? I'm April Shepherd.
You've been my Richest magazine's Man Of The Year.
I'm doing the profile.
Oh yes, that's right.
I know you're the boss, but what does that entail? Oh, many things.
Like this morning, for instance.
I had to choose the Employee Of The Month, from the box.
May I ask, what are you doing on that pad? One of my little hobbies is caricature.
Sometimes, I like to sketch someone as I'm talking to them.
May I? Well, I'm not very good.
I'm no Truman Capote.
Great, OK.
Um I'll tell you what, let's just do some quick-fire questions.
Maybe they'll give me an insight into the real you.
-OK.
-Right Tell me, who's your favourite person from history? Sherlock Holmes.
Well, he's fictional.
Whoa! I think you'd better check your facts there.
Fictional? Who took care of the business with the giant dog that was eating everybody? Well, it wasn't Watson.
Don't tell me, I suppose he was fictional too.
Maybe there was no giant dog.
(LAUGHS) No, no, I think you're playing games with me, young lady.
OK, then, favourite fictional character.
Oh, ha-ha, ha! The Elephant Man.
Tell you what, let me widen the question out.
Favourite popular figure? Churchill.
Well, what is it you like about him? I love the way he says, "Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
" I think, perhaps it's you who's playing games with me.
You're a very surprising man, Mr Reynholm.
Yes.
I am a surprising man.
April, may I take you to dinner? Oh, I don't think I could.
.
In Paris.
Paris? Paris, yes.
It's the name of a new restaurant in Hull.
That's right, we're going to Hull! (Hey, Roy, come over here.
Look at this.
) "The biggest adventure you can ever take "is to live the life of your dreams" - Oprah Winfrey.
I suppose that is the biggest adventure.
Guys, come on in.
Sit down.
Is this a new desk? Yeah, I thought I needed some new furniture.
So, I got some stuff from upstairs.
Sit down, please.
I just thought, what with all this extra attention on us on me, it might be worth looking at ourselves and saying, "Hey, am I really giving it 110 per cent?" And if not, "Why not? What the heck is wrong with me? "Am I mentally ill or something?" Roy, let's start with you.
When you're upstairs, fiddling about with computers would it hurt to smile? Don't you realise what a difference that would make? Eh? Come on, let's see a smile now, come on.
No, more warmth, warmer.
You're just showing more teeth, that's not warmth.
I would say that's more of a threatening look, actually.
I'll tell you what, Roy, keep at it.
That's your homework.
Moss.
So, what's your speech going to be about? What speech? Every employee of the month has to give a speech in their area of expertise.
Which for you is computers.
Where do I have to? At the monthly shareholders meeting.
When do I have to? Friday.
What time? Morning.
How's that? What's up, guys? All right, Jen? Urgh! God! Just writing a speech.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
How's that going? Good, good, good, good You know, I was thinking, er if there's anything you guys wanna say, I can put it in, it's no problem.
Oh, oh, yeah, oh, mm, interesting.
Um, is there anything you'd like to say to the shareholders, Moss? Just say, "Hi.
" Say, "Hi," from us.
OK.
I love this.
I wonder how many more times she's gonna come in.
You know, I think, maybe, it'd be a good idea if you two contributed to this, I really do.
Oh, yeah.
Why? Hmm.
I think, I think it would give you experience in writing a speech for a public figure.
Well, obviously, in our line of work that would be handy.
But, you know what, Jen, I'm actually, I'm snowed under here.
Wait a second! Wait a second! Oh, oh, what are we doing? Eh? We should totally write that speech! -What? Why? -Okay Offer to write the speech for Jen.
No.
You have to! I cannot do it! She'll know something's up if I do it! -You have to do it! -Why would I do that? Moss, do you trust me? No.
Do you trust me? No.
Right, If you trust me, then offer to write that speech! I.
Don't.
Trust.
You.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi.
'I feel really bad having all the fun writing this speech.
' (Offer, offer, offer.
) Well, I suppose we could write the speech so that, you know, you look like you know what you're talking about.
Thanks, I'm off for lunch.
Leave it on my desk.
My God.
I know.
That's brilliant.
So, now you understand why we have to write that speech for Jen.
She will say anything we tell her to.
She will say anything we tell her to.
We can put any old bollocks in that speech and she shall repeat it.
It's going to be hilarious.
Sometimes I could kiss your mind, Roy.
OK, so let's just, um I don't know, let's just throw around a few ideas.
OK.
OK.
Ahoh, could we tell her that there's an apple inside every Apple Mac? -It's good.
-Yeah.
We could say that Bill Gates is called Bill Gates, because he owns a lot of gates.
Hmmm.
That's good, but it's not quite punchy enough, and it's probably true now anyway.
I'll bet he does own a lot of gates.
He probably does.
It's got to be something big! I think I may have it.
What? You best put seatbelts on your ears, Roy, 'cause I'm gonna take them for the ride of their lives! Delightful.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're silly.
Do you know, I've never been so enchanted by a woman in all my life.
What's your name again? I know you told me.
April.
Ah, what a charming name.
Always been one of my favourites.
April, after dinner, would you do me the honour of accompanying me to my bed? Oh, erm No, I've said too much! I've let my heart overpower my head, which is my wont.
But I don't care.
I find you enchanting.
And there's a condom machine in the toilet.
I've checked! I'm very flattered, Douglas but, erm, -there's a problem, something I should tell you.
-Go on.
Erm, I I have a secret.
I could dance around the subject, but I like you, Douglas.
I want to be straight with you.
Oh? I used to be a man, Douglas.
I used to be a man.
I wish there was an easier way of saying that, but, believe me, there's not.
I've had a lot of hormone therapy and a number of operations.
I'm really sorry.
I hope you don't feel I deceived you.
I understand if you would rather I left.
I don't care.
What? Doesn't bother me.
Doesn't bother you at all? It takes all sorts to make a world.
Wow, it bothers most men.
I am not most men and the offer still stands.
Are you up for it? Amazing, just amazing.
You liked it? You really know your way around that area.
Well Tell me, what are you doing tomorrow night, April? I was thinking of staying in and watching the darts.
You've read my mind.
'60s Swing music What is it? This, Jen, is the internet.
What? That's right.
This is the internet? The whole internet? Yep.
I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.
It's so small.
That's one of the surprising things about it.
Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything.
It's wireless.
Oh, yes, everything's wireless nowadays, yeah.
I can use it in my speech? What if someone needs it? Oh, no, no, people still be able to go online.
It will still work.
Oh, good.
Good.
I tell you, you present this to the shareholders and you will get quite a response.
Can I touch it? Ooh, it's so light.
Of course it is, Jen.
The internet doesn't weigh anything.
Ha-ha.
No, of course it doesn't.
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
Hey! What is Jen doing with the internet? Moss said I could use it for my speech.
Are you insane? What if she drops it? I won't drop it, I'll look after it.
No.
No, no, no, no, Jen.
No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.
Big Ben? It goes on top of Big Ben.
That's where you get the best reception.
I promise I won't let anything happen to it.
No, Jen, I'm sorry.
The elders of the internet would never stand for it.
No, no, Roy.
I spoke to the elders of the internet, not one hour ago.
I told them Jen had won employee of the month and they were so impressed - wanted to do whatever they could to help.
Wait a minute, the elders of the internet? The elders of the internet know who I am? You've got to let me have it! No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just too risky.
Oh, please, Roy.
Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised? By Stephen Hawking himself.
He sends his congratulations.
Well, if it's OK with the Hawk.
So, can I have it? You can.
Oh, don't forget your speech.
Oh, thank you.
Slowly.
April, these past few days have been like a dream.
Usually, I can't wait to get away from a woman once I've ejaculated, but with you, I don't know, I feel alive.
April, I love you.
What? That's right, I totally love the bloody arse off you.
Oh, Douglas, I love you too.
Oh, poppet, to think when we met, you were so worried that you came from Iran.
What? When we met.
As if I'd be worried about something like that.
I don't care where you're from.
Iran, France, doesn't bother me.
I'm very modern.
I'm not from Iran.
Well, you said something along those lines.
No, not Iran, a man.
I said I used to be a man! You used to be a man? Yes! Oh, God! Well, we have a very interesting talk lined up for today.
Our employee of the month, and computer expert, Jen Barber, has kindly agreed to say a few words about her role in the IT department.
Now, speaking as someone who doesn't know the difference between a laptop and, erm, the larger one, I'm certainly looking forward to hearing what she has to say.
(STIFLES LAUGHTER) Good morning.
When I was asked to give a speech about what it is I do and everything, I was very excited.
At last, I thought, a chance to explain the wonders of technology to ordinary folk.
But then I thought, "Who wants to listen to a boring old speech?" Wouldn't it be better if I could actually bring one of these wonders in to show you it? Say, oh, I don't know, the internet! I think it would - and I have.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you the internet! No flash photography, you'll harm it.
Ladies and gentlemen Why's no-one laughing? If anything were to happen to this box, the world as we know it would fall into chaos.
Planes would drop from the sky, like tables.
Society would tear itself apart like an angry child with a napkin.
Man's primeval instinct to survive at any cost, would lead to terrible violence, so, please, no flash photography.
I must say this is all very impressive, Douglas.
What exactly are you working on? I dunno.
April, we need to talk.
Darling, couldn't we do this at home? I was hoping we'd get shit-faced and watch telly.
There'll be no more getting shit-faced and watching telly.
There'll be no more Steven Seagal marathons, and there'll be no more paintballing weekends.
I'm afraid our adventure has come to an end.
What? But But why? It's not you, it's me.
No, actually it's not me, it is you.
I'm sorry.
You don't think of me as a woman, do you? What? Of course I do! It bothers you that I used to be a man.
No, I love that you used to be a man.
It's your thing.
I love thinking about that operation that you had.
Oh, please, look at me.
I am a woman.
This is a woman in front of you.
Excuse me.
I am a woman! You're tearing me apart.
Please, Douglas I'm sorry, it's beyond my control.
Please, Douglas, please! Just go.
You're making this harder for me.
How could you do this? How could you do this to me?! You bastard.
And that's what the flashing light's for.
Any more? Is it heavy? Is it heavy? That's a bit of a silly question.
The internet doesn't weigh anything.
OK, guys, I guess I should wrap it up.
(THEY GROAN) No, no.
I really have to finish up.
More! More! More! More! Guys! Oh, my God, you really like me.
This really isn't that funny.
I know, it's terrible.
I thought at least we'd get a good story out it.
you know? Something we'd remember.
It's over, April.
Oh, Jesus.
The internet! Argh! We're all gonna die! SCREAMING AND SHOUTING Everybody, stay calm! 'He needs to hold his nerve 'He's done it!' But it's not the same.
(SOBS) Oh, April.
subsBusters