The Mindy Project s03e04 Episode Script

It's pretty amazing that, in the most romantic city in the world, I just happened to have found the most romantic boyfriend in the world, and every date is full of surprises.
Danny, how can something as disgusting as an apple make something as delicious as apple pie? Mindy, I have something really important to ask you.
Would you like some more apple pie? That's even better than what I thought you were gonna ask.
Come here.
I knew you'd like it.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Danny.
I love it.
Yeah? Did you also happen to remember my nose hair trimmer? Love you.
Love you.
I'll be out in 20.
Okay.
But perhaps most surprising, not all surprises are equally romantic.
Oh, my God, Danny, this is heaven.
Wait.
Danny.
Danny, that doesn't go there.
Oh, my God, Danny! I slipped.
why is it so hard to believe me? Because slipping is like, "whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened? Not, "whoa, whoa, oh, yeah.
" Okay, you're twisting my sounds.
Besides, you weren't where I was, okay? You didn't see how it all went down.
Danny, this is not Benghazi.
Well, sure feels like it.
Never thought I'd sympathize with Hillary about anything.
Who is Hillary? Sometimes I feel like you're just making these people up.
Okay, so you're innocent? You had no intent? Of course no intent.
I'm catholic.
Even if I think about that They promote you to cardinal? Hey, hey.
That is all over.
It's over.
Pope Frank is on the case.
He Morgan, we're just in the middle of a conversation right now.
Okay, then these cobwebs can just clean themselves.
Get out of here.
We're having a private conversation.
Thank you.
Can we please just go talk about this in your office? Please? I don't know, Danny.
Because my office only has one entrance, and I don't think that's enough for you anymore.
What? I was just walking to the subway, and this scout was like, "girl, you should model.
" I'm like, "I already have a job.
" That's so weird.
The same thing happened to me.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? Dr.
Reed, if you think you're about to sit over here and eat breakfast with us and share our weekend stories, you got another thing coming.
You're not still mad at me for dating Lauren, are you? You mean stealing Lauren? Sorry, I'm #teampeter.
Uh-huh.
The whole office is #teampeter, and we got merch.
We got a website.
We have a mascot.
I'm glad to see #teampeter's assembled.
I am furious.
Last night, I graduated from nurse practitioner school.
None of you came.
It was sad as hell.
Morgan bought an extra wheel of brie just for you, Dr.
L.
Aw, that's so nice.
It really set me back.
Can I still have it? All that's left is the crust.
Put it in my office.
Morgan, I'm sorry I didn't go.
It's just that Danny and I had a date last night.
You've changed.
You always promised me you'd never be one of those girls who ditches their best friend the minute they get a boyfriend.
I would never promise that.
All I've wanted in my life is to abandon all my friends for a boyfriend.
Calm down.
Morgan, I'm sorry that I could not attend.
But in my defense, I thought that he was gonna be there.
Well, I didn't come 'cause I thought he was gonna be there.
Me too.
That's my excuse too.
I'm really caught up in their beef.
You just said it was 'cause of your boyfriend.
No, it's because of their emotional issues that I didn't go.
Felt uncomfortable.
Great, now the whole office hates me.
I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.
I think it's because my heart has been ripped out through my ears and there is blood spurting all over innocent Tamara.
That's not scientifically sound, and you know it! Do you know what? It's fine.
Be team Peter.
I don't need friends.
I spent all of form three locked in a cupboard.
Excuse me.
Peter You know know a lot about skeevy guy stuff, right? I do follow the Internet chat rooms until the government shuts them down.
Perfect, you're my most perverted friend.
Be honest with me.
Have you ever been with a girl in bed and then accidentally slipped? Nope.
Danny's lying.
What? Danny? I'm not talking about Danny.
No man in the history of time has ever been in bed and "slipped" and not been lying.
How do you know that? What's the most valuable thing in the world to you, the thing that you treasure above all else? My signed photo of Kris Jenner.
Do you ever not know exactly where that is or exactly what's doing? No, that thing's locked behind plate glass in my That son of a Hey, Danny.
Hey.
Hey.
Wow, is that a smile I see? I thought I saw the last of those.
Well, I've been thinking about it, and I really want to believe you.
Then believe me.
Just believe me.
I believe you all the time.
I believe that you floss.
I believe that your gym is closed for a multi-year remodel.
That's sweet.
Yeah.
You're sweet.
Thanks.
Which is why I will believe you Great.
If you swear to God that it was an accident.
Oh, let's leave God out of this.
He doesn't know about us.
I told him you were my assistant.
Okay, I'm I'm gonna level with you.
Yeah, level away, pervert.
Okay, here it goes.
My eyes have gotten bad, really bad, and in the dark, I-I can't see anything.
It's just a big Big jumble of parts.
Danny, why didn't you just tell me? Well, because you always give me a hard time about being old.
If you go blind, I'm gonna get so fat.
It's not a big deal.
Let's just forget about it and move past it.
If I don't see ever again, I don't see.
Oh, my sweet Danny.
We're gonna go to the ophthalmologist.
We're gonna go see Colin right now.
Now? Fantastic news, Danny.
You are not going blind.
Your eyes are fine.
Colin, as a doctor, I'm gonna have to tell you that you are wrong.
As an eye doctor, I have to tell you I am right.
Okay, okay, don't phone this in, man.
Come on, let's Let's do it again.
Danny, Mindy, I am so glad I stepped away from my son's second birthday to Wade into what is clearly a relationship issue.
I'm gonna go.
Colin, Colin, I'm so sorry.
Sorry, Colin.
Did you know that it was Caleb's second birthday? You think I want to hurt Caleb? I love Caleb.
Okay, fine, you know what? You're right.
I did it on purpose.
I did.
I knew it, you stupid sneak.
Stop, stop.
I assumed you'd done it before, okay? What? Yeah, you're always bragging about you're so crazy in the sack.
I just assumed you'd done it before with your long list of companions.
Is that what you think of me? That I'm just some, like, gorgeous, high-class prostitute? Look, I've seen your cable bill, all right? You're not pay-per-viewing boxing matches.
I'm sorry.
That is anime pornography, okay, which is a victimless crime.
The only victims are the animators.
They pay them next to nothing in Korea.
What? Doesn't matter.
I will not be slut-shamed in an ophthalmologist office.
I'm gonna leave.
What are you doing? Don't want you to get any ideas.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Mindy.
Oh, cookie dough, please solve my problems.
Oh, Mindy.
Stress eating cookie dough? Was I right about Danny? Yes.
And the worst part is, Peter, he thought it was something I had done thousands of times, like jaywalking or lying under oath.
Is that what he thinks of me? Well, I mean, all your shorts do say "porn star" across the back.
But that's the problem.
Look, I know that I talk this big talk, but really, I'm a prude.
A prude that slays dudes like whoa, but still.
Mm-hmm.
Danny's so sexually experienced.
He's been with a ton of women, and I'm worried I'm boring in bed.
Is that a big problem? No, stop it.
Not at all.
It's a huge problem.
I almost broke up with the girl of my dreams because my water bed made her seasick.
I would break up with you for having a water bed.
Look, Danny loves you, okay? He just expects you to know everything because you're old.
Hot as hell.
Well, there's plenty of other stuff you could do that I've seen online, awful, nasty, depraved stuff.
I could teach you.
If I wanted to have a hands-on sexual education, I'd go back to computer camp.
I meant I could talk you through it, dispense my knowledge.
I will warn you, though.
My course is graded on a curve.
Oh, man, that was so cool.
Yeah.
El, darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again again, again, again Oh, a person, like in the picture.
I'm actually just waiting for everybody to leave.
I didn't want to run into Peter in the elevator and start a row.
Now it's just me and the great American songbook.
Way down upon the swanee river hush, hush, hush, stop, stop.
Long Dr.
Reed, would you like to get something to eat with me tomorrow night? You'd have dinner with me even though I'm the office pariah? Nothing would make me happier.
Oh, I know this great place.
The waitresses wear hockey jerseys and no pants.
That's so lovely, Morgan.
I'll pick the place.
But I really appreciate you inviting me.
And now that I'm a nurse practitioner, it's also my treat.
Oh.
Just have to stop at the pawnshop on the way.
I'll pay.
Welcome to Peter Prentice's banging in bed booty camp.
For tonight's demonstration, I will be playing the part of Danny, and the part of Mindy will be played by If you say Cee Lo Green, I will kill you.
Brian the skeleton.
Oh, I get it.
'Cause I'm so skinny, I'm like a skeleton.
Yeah.
So we'll start with the basics, just a little "have you ever?" Something like this.
Hmm? Of course.
Have you done this? No.
No.
No.
How is it even sexual? Okay.
No.
I call this the neck tie.
Let it drop, and then it's an ascot.
Oh, my God, what is that? It's called a bagpipe.
Mindy, help.
I'm not kidding.
Oh.
Don't get scared, the hip is supposed to pop out.
Stop, stop, stop, I'm just gonna do the other thing that Danny wants to do.
If that's what you want and you think is empowering for feminist reasons.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I'm gonna do it, because Danny is an amazing boyfriend and I don't want to lose him.
So what if he wants to go to fifth base? Maybe I'll love it.
No.
You won't.
Hey, buddy.
Yo.
Cool glasses.
Oh, thank you.
Got them at the salvation army.
About to throw them out.
I said, "I'll take those.
" So I got you a little something-something for graduating and becoming a nurse practitioner.
The photo of you and your dad you keep on your desk? That's exactly what I wanted.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Look at those two little rascals staring at me.
Hey, I'm so sorry that I missed your graduation party.
It was a great party.
Had three large pizzas.
Went down to the dock.
No one showed up.
The seagulls were happy.
I think I just got wrapped up with my boyfriend, and I forgot the relationship that's most important, that of a casual work acquaintance.
Water under the bridge.
Tell me everything.
What have you been doing? Who have you been doing? My boyfriend that I mentioned.
Duh, my best friend.
I've always wanted to know.
Now that you're a nurse practitioner Yeah.
You can prescribe medicine, right? Oh, yeah.
Now I'm just another drug dealer for uncle Sam.
Whatever happened to preventative medicine, am I right? That's a great observation.
Thank you.
I have a lot of them, but I don't even have a pen to write them down.
Hey, I need you to prescribe me something.
I'm about to do something that I cannot be awake for, but I also legally can't be asleep for.
So you're using me.
I got to tell you, I expected more from my dog's godmother.
Morgan, come on and help me! Ow! Okay? If you knew what I was about to go through, you would understand.
You know I can't prescribe it for myself.
Okay, fine.
I'll write you a prescription for a very strong sedative.
I take it whenever I have to do something scary, like watch a scary movie or if I hear a scary story or, you know Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera? You can say it both ways.
All right.
Hey, what you watching? The history channel's counting down Hitler's 20 wackiest Whoa.
Why aren't you wearing your grandma's bathrobe? I love nana's bathrobe, but I thought you would probably like this a little bit better.
And you're such a good boyfriend that I thought tonight we could do things the way you like.
Scotch.
Yeah, a little scotch.
Okay.
You okay? Mmm, yuck.
You know what goes really well with scotch? Let me put on some the blues.
Blues? Mm-hmm.
Okay, sure.
I'll put on blues.
You always complain you don't relate to their ethnic struggles.
I think you've probably gotten me confused with someone else, because I have gone on record to say how much I love the blues.
I love that kind of stuff, just like real complainy-like.
It's good.
I like it better than Taylor Swift.
One summer oh, my ears! What? Are loving it.
Okay, what's going on? What? I love scotch and I love the blues.
No, you don't.
You don't.
What are you doing? Wait, is this because of what I said in the eye doctor? Look, I don't think you're one of these sexually freaky-deaky people.
I don't think you are, okay? The other night, yes, I got carried away.
The giants won.
I used my pizza stone.
You were wearing those sexy stockings.
My compression socks.
The point is, we don't have to do that stuff.
Is it because you've done it with so many girls and now it's boring to you and you want to do something even weirder? I will not let you pee on me.
No, that's not what I'm saying at all.
What I'm saying is, when I'm with you, it's enough.
Cool.
That's nice.
You know? We don't need all those, for lack of better words, fireworks.
I mean, we are very, very, very, very comfortable together, like an old shoe.
I'm an old shoe.
Yeah, like what nurses wear.
Like what Beverly would wear.
All right, I got to get this nighttime routine going.
These chompers aren't gonna water pick themselves.
Oh, Morgan, I'm so desperately lonely.
Sometimes I wonder if I've paid too high a price for love.
I know something about that.
I mean, Tamara and I can't walk through Harlem together, 'cause we're in a limo.
What? I'm out of money.
What the hell is he doing here? Let me explain.
Let me explain.
I invited both of you here because I Are you trying to parent trap us? Are you the Lindsay Lohan I said let me explain.
- But that's exactly right.
- Oh, my God.
That's actually kind of how I would've explained it.
Okay, please, enough fighting.
Everyone's sick of it.
Sit down.
Sit down.
The three of us are gonna be at this table.
We're gonna crack open a nice old bottle of red ketchup, and we're gonna dump it on our fries, and we're gonna chow down, and we're gonna eat.
And we're gonna get to the bottom of this, and I'm gonna mediate, and I'm not gonna leave Excuse me.
Dr.
L's texting me.
Dr.
Prentice, Dr.
Reed, you're on your own.
Oh, my God.
I miss and love you too.
Exclam, exclam, exclam, exclam.
I've actually written you an apology poem.
It's called master and apprentice.
Would you like to hear it? I would love to take that poem and shove it down your throat and then give you the finger through your belly button.
Okay, that's it.
You know what? I didn't steal Lauren.
She left you.
You know why? 'Cause you're over 30, yet you have four roommates, two pair of underpants, and no toothbrush.
You were the one that got her thinking those things were bad.
Well, your face is bad.
Oh, my face! Morgan, he's on fire.
My beautiful face! Oh, my God! Danny, I agreed to go on vacation with Morgan, okay? Why don't you cool it on the drinks, all right? You're being real funny tonight.
Yeah, I feel hilarious.
Come here.
Come here, I'm gonna make you laugh.
I'm gonna make you laugh all night.
Hold on a sec, I'm still working my ears.
Wow, it's gonna be a two swabber.
Huh? Huh? What? Oh, boy.
Okay.
Danny, Danny.
Danny, something really weird is happening, Danny.
Danny.
What's going on? Nothing.
I just missed you a lot.
Hey.
And I'm feeling super horny.
You okay? Oh.
Oh, God.
Mindy.
Min.
Oh, my God, Mindy.
I'm Detective Olivia Penderghast.
Ma'am, we have reason to believe that you were roofie'd with intent by this man.
Wait a minute, I thought you were from hospital billing.
Okay, no.
No, no, no.
He is my boyfriend.
It's always the ones you trust.
No, no.
He did not roofie me.
I roofie'd myself.
What? Why would you do that? Are you sure? You want to take a minute? 'Cause I think it was this guy.
No, I'm sorry.
He's innocent.
You make me sick.
It's scum like you that make me drink myself to sleep.
What are you talking about? It wasn't so bad.
What's going on here? Okay, wait.
Now I'm gonna be in the police blotter.
That's your thing.
Okay, I'm so sorry, Danny.
What happened? No! Oh, my God.
Whoa, whoa, Danny.
Your sex put her in the hospital.
What are you packing, bwaby? Wait a minute, you told Pete this? I told him because I was very stressed out about our situation.
He offered to What happened to your eyebrows? Ask Jeremy.
It wasn't enough he took Lauren from me.
He had to take the only straight hairs on my body as well.
You got plenty on your back, you Those are straight! Those are straight! The ones on my back are curled! Okay, okay.
You guys are being crazy dramatic.
This is coming from the most dramatic person here.
Remember when I almost jumped off that low bridge because I didn't agree with the American Idol results? Clay Aiken.
This feud is lame, and it's unprofessional.
Yeah, you guys aren't even famous enough to be in a feud.
You're just two basics having a bitch fest.
Yes.
Okay, come on, guys.
Let's do it.
Bury the hatchet.
Come on.
What did you say, Peter? Should we forge a detente de guerre? At work, we will not fight, but outside of work, we'll fight constantly.
And will you please say one sentence like a human being? Indubitably.
Damn it.
I look like skeletor.
What's going on? Babe, please let me explain.
Babe, just let me explain the details of our vacation, which is gonna be amazing.
Hey, I bought a soda, and two came out.
Were you not gonna get me one? Yeah, no, I was.
Mindy, why do you think you're not sexually advanced enough for me? Because you called me an old shoe, and you're basically like James Caan at the playboy mansion.
Okay, that's it.
No more lies.
You want the truth about the other night? Have I given you the impression that I don't? Okay, here's the real truth.
Didn't mean anything, and I don't want you to be anything.
I just tried something, all right? That's it.
Because America was built on trying things.
Okay.
No, no, no, this is good.
When the pioneers went out west on the wagon train, they didn't know what they were gonna find, bears, scorpions, but they just tried it out.
Weed.
No, not weed.
Gold, the grand canyon.
I mean, California, no, thanks, but the San Diego zoo's nice.
In America, you just go for it.
You just go for it, and, yeah, sometimes you pay the price, but other times Other times, jackpot.
Okay, I-I don't understand this, how this is the real truth.
Because it is.
Sometimes a guy just has to try something.
Well, why didn't you tell me this before? 'Cause I'd never done it before.
Neither have I.
You haven't? No.
Oh, well That's good.
See that, big guy? We can work with that.
Okay, you don't have to clear me with God.
I'm fine.
God's obsessed with me.
Hey, take it easy.
She's taken.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
So we good? We are.
Just if you want to try something freaky, just run it by me first.
Yes, I promise.
You ever have sex in a hospital bed? Danny, someone could walk in.
I should've just started kissing you.
Asking sucks.
Damn it, you're right.
Yeah.
No, no.
The moment's Yeah, it's ruined.
Let's drink our sodas and watch Colbert.
Okay.
Morgan, Peter and I have been doing some thinking.
You're gonna share Lauren.
Weekdays, weekends.
This is a good plan.
No.
God, no, no.
No, no, we just came here to say, in the midst of our feud, we did neglect to give you proper due for your new degree.
We got you something.
It's from the heart.
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Do you have, like, a gift receipt? Gift receipt? I mean, your it's your name's on it.
It's monogrammed.
You know, it's tookers with an s.
We gave it a shot.
It's the thought that counts.
I will wear it with pride.
Awesome.
At home.
You guys, I love it.
I love it.
Ooh, our first freaky consensual adventure.
Yeah.
Ah! You bit my tongue.
I'm so sorry.
The whipped cream just tasted so delicious.
Ow, Mindy, God.
Ow! God, Mindy, get off my hand! No! Are you kidding me? Ow! Mindy, let go.
Let go of my hand.
Ow! Danny, it just tastes so good.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
What's wrong with you? We just ate.