The Muppet Show (1976) s03e04 Episode Script
Gilda Radner
Gilda Radner, Gilda Radner.
Thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Radner.
Well, Scooter, what's all this fuss I keep hearing about me doing The Muffin Show? I mean, what kind of a show is it about muffins? Why, the next thing you know, they have me do a show with rye bread, or little, tiny lovely biscuits.
Why, I can't do a show like that, it's outrageous! Excuse me, ma'am.
- What? It's not The Muffin Show.
It's The Muppet Show.
Ooh Well, that's very different.
Never mind.
It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Gilda Radner.
Yeah! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? I always get butterflies before a show.
Not this time.
- Aah! # It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show! # Thank you, thank you and welcome, again, to The Muppet Show.
Hey, tonight, we have with us one of America's brightest young comedienne's, Miss Gilda Radner! But first, let us take a moment to consider the folk music of the North American Eskimo.
Here is a traditional lullaby from beyond the Antarctic Circle or somewhere.
# Come on along and listen to # The lullaby of Broadway # Hip hip hooray and ballyhoo # The lullaby of Broadway - # The rumble of the subway train - # A ding, a ding - # The rattle of the taxis - # A ding, a ding, a ding - # The daffodils who entertain - # A ding, a ding # At Angelo's and Maxie's # When a Broadway baby says goodnight # It's early in the morning # Manhattan babies don't sleep tight # Until the dawn # Goodnight, baby # Goodnight # Milkman's on his way.
# Sleep tight, baby # Sleep tight - # Let's call it a day - # Hey! - # Come on along and listen to - # A ding, a ding - # The lullaby of Broadway - # A ding, a ding, a ding - # A hi-dee-ho and boopa doo - # A ding, a ding # You'll sleep all day # Goodnight, baby # Goodnight # Milkman's on his way # Sleep tight, baby # Sleep tight # Let's call it a day Hey, Norton, I don't think this is 42nd street.
# Listen to the lullaby - # Of old Broadway - # A ding, a ding # A ding, a ding A ding, a ding # A ding, a ding, a ding # Hey! # Weird, why did they want the igloo? What? - Why did they want the igloo? Well, maybe someone broke their "ig.
" OK, OK.
Do Eskimos have chickens? Good number, but move it, move it, move it! I can't.
I've got a broken ig.
Ah It's Gilda Radner.
Hi, Kermit.
Hi there.
- Listen, I want to really thank you for letting me do the operetta number.
I love operetta, and no one's ever given me a chance to do one before.
Oh, well, you're welcome.
Have you got my parrot? - Your what? My parrot.
My seven-foot-tall talking parrot.
A seven-foot-tall talking parrot? Right.
I wrote you in the letter.
Well, well, I got your letter, but I couldn't quite read your handwriting.
A parrot? Well, what'd you think I asked for? - I I wasn't really sure.
I thought it was a Never mind.
Must I share my dressing room with the other vegetables? A seven foot tall talking carrot? Watch it, lady, I'm a star.
I sang the hit song from Cole.
Cole? Cole Porter? - Coleslaw.
They paid him a huge celery.
Now she's stealing my jokes.
Well, I have to do something.
I don't have an opening number now.
Why not? Well, I was going to do selections from The Parrots of Penzance.
The Parrots of Penzance? Yeah, well it's better than The Carrots of Penzance.
Come on, vitamin brains.
Ker Ker Ker Kermit.
Gilda Radner and a seven-foot-tall talking carrot? Well, I introduce 'em.
I don't explain 'em.
Uh A few performers are brave or foolhardy enough to tackle the blinding complexity of the following musical number, but here she is, tempting fate, Miss Gilda Radner.
# I am the very model of a modern Major-General # I've information, vegetable animal and mineral # I know the kings of England and I quote the fights hysteric # - # From Alahoo to - Hold it.
Hold it.
Maestro, please.
You blew it, my child.
Never send a girl in to do a carrot's work.
Ooh, if I knew a 1 2-foot rabbit, you'd really be in trouble.
Why don't we try an easy one, hmm? Maestro, please.
# When a carrot's not engaged in his employment # His employment # Or maturing his felonious little plans # Little plans # His capacity for innocent enjoyment # cent enjoyment - # Is just as great as any honest man - # Honest man # Our feelings we with difficulty smother # culty smother # When our vegetary duty's to be done # To be done # I'll take one consideration with another # With another # A carrots lot is not a happy one # Aah! Wait a minute.
Who are these guys? They're my back-up group.
They travel with me everywhere.
What have you got? A chauffeur-driven shopping cart? Why don't you just stand back and let me show you how it's done.
# I am the very model of a modern Major-General # I've information, vegetation animable Oh Hold it, hold it.
See, you didn't make it either.
Maybe I didn't want to make it.
Why don't you sing, Gilda? # Poor wand'ring one # Though thou hast surely strayed # Take heart of grace # Thy steps, retrace # Poor wand'ring one! # Poor wand'ring one # If such poor love as mine # Can help me find # True peace of mind # Why, take it, it is # It is thine Here we go! # I am the very model of a modern Major-General # I've information, vegetable animal and mineral - # I know the kings of England - # I quote the fights historical # From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical # In military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury # Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century - # But still in matters vegetable - # Animal and mineral # I am the very model of a modern Major-General # But still in matters vegetable animal and mineral # I am the very model of a modern Major-General # You know, usually operetta music puts me right to sleep.
You too, huh? Uh Ladies and gentlemen, a Muppet melodrama.
Help! Oh And now, for the last time, my little peach pie, will you marry me? Drop dead! I think that might be my line, my dear.
Oh, where, oh, where is my hero? I said Where, oh, where is my hero? Here I am, my precious.
Sorry I was late.
I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
Never mind, just get me out of here.
Say! I know those boots! - Hmm? Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City? Why, yes, I was.
- Harry's Boom Boom Room? You've caught my act? - Huh.
I never could figure out how you did that passe double thing, though.
Paso doble.
Oh, quite simple, my boy, quite simple.
Music, maestro, please.
- Music? What? Hey, hey! Cool it up there! a little flourish! Watch it! - A-ha! You mean, like this? - Whoo-hoo! Oh, there! Easy! Down, boy.
- A-ha! Almost, almost.
More like - Hey! Oh! - Hey, wait Hey! I suppose you think that's funny! I think you might well start with a new pair of' boots.
All right, Muppaphones, move it, move it, move it, move it.
How am I doing? Any better? Yes.
Yes, you're getting it, you're getting it.
Yeah? Well, you're both gonna get it.
Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Whoa! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is time, once again, for a return engagement of the incomparable Marvin Suggs.
I say "incomparable" because I can't imagine anything to compare him to.
Anyway, here he is with his Muppaphone, Marvin Suggs! Gracias, gracias, gracias.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Hi-yah! Yes, I am the beloved Marvin Suggs, and these are my Muppaphones Move it, move it, move it! - You're so strict.
Silencio.
And now Virginia and Stan exchange.
Sorry I'm late, I couldn't get a parking space.
Who cares?! Thank you, thank you! And now, we will play and sing for you the beloved old ballad, Witch Doctor.
Oh, but I just had my hair done.
Shut up! Thank you! Maestro! # I told the witch doctor I was in love with you # I told the witch doctor I was in love with you # And then the witch doctor he told me what to do - # He say - # Ooh! - # Ee! - # Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang - # Ooh! Ee! - # Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang Thank you! Thank you! Second verse! # My friend, the witch doctor He taught me what to say # My friend, the witch doctor He taught me what to do # I know that you'll be mine when I say this to you - # When I say - # Ooh! - # Ee! - # Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang - # Ooh! - # Ee! Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang Modulate! - # Ooh! - # Ee! - # Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang - # Ooh! Ee! - # Ooh! Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla # Bing bang # I told the witch doctor I told you never to tell anyone! # Every Saturday Willie got his pay # Then he'd call on Nellie # Trousers neatly pressed and nice, white vest # Button holed bouquet, as well # On Nellie's little hat there was a little bird - # That little bird knew quite a lot - # It did, upon my word # And in its quiet way it had a lot to say # As the lovers strolled along # I'll be your little honey I can promise that # Said Nellie as she rolled her dreamy eyes - # It's a shame to take the money - # Said the bird on Nellie's hat # Last night she said the same to Jimmy Wise # Then to Nellie, Willy whispered as they fondly kissed # I bet that you were never kissed like that! # Well, you don't know Nellie like I do # Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat - # Oh, it's twelve o'clock - # Said Willie, as he took her home # Now, I bet you're never out as late as that.
Hmm? # Well, you don't know Nellie like I do # Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat # Autumn came along # Love's young dream gone wrong # Will went 'round to call # Servant with a grin said # She's not in, Nellie's gone away That's all # Poor Willie's heart was broke His life seemed all in vain # Until upon 5th Avenue he met his Nell again - # Said he - # We meet once more - # She said - # Love's dream is o'er # But we can still be real good friends # And I'll keep your presents, honey just for old times sake # Said Nellie as she rolled her dreamy eyes - # She's fixed him good and plenty - # Said the bird in Nellie's hat # Oh, really, Willie when will you be wise? # Yes, but how about the diamond engagement ring - # Of course - # Said Willie # You'll return me that # Oh, brother # Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat # Oh.
Dr.
Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today.
And here with me, is the lovely Miss Gilda Radner.
Thank you, Dr.
Honeydew.
Today we have an amazing demonstration.
And Gilda here has graciously volunteered to be our human guinea pig.
I have? Good.
That's settled then.
Oh, I shall need you, too, Beaker.
Come on in here.
Now we're ready to begin.
Listen, Dr.
Honeydew, you said "assistant.
" I never heard you say the word "guinea pig.
" Just put your head down here, so Dr.
Honey can work on you.
Well, I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea pigging.
There we go.
Blink.
There.
I have just placed on Gilda's forehead, a single teensy weensy drop of Muppet's new Super Adhesive.
Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.
What are we waiting for? - For it to get tacky.
Another first on this show.
- How's that? It's the first time we've had to wait for it to get tacky.
And, with that single drop of glue, I shall stick this rope to Gilda's forehead, and then Beaker and I shall haul on the rope, thus lifting Miss Radner bodily off the floor.
No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
That's OK, Gilda-poo, that's all right Now, Beaker, I hope you're feeling fit.
That's good.
OK Oh! Uh Oh, there was glue on the rag.
Maybe it says something about a Oh, wait! - Oh, no, wait.
Don't squeeze that tube! I'm sorry What do we do now? Let me consult my notes.
Oh, you're stuck! Oh, wait a minute, Beaker, I'll help you.
Wait a minute.
Whoa! It wasn't meant to go this way.
That's all for now from Muppet Labs.
Beaker! Well, that must be the glue, all right.
Well, what glue is that? - The one they mend the "ig" with! Yeah, well, OK.
Here she comes now, Mr.
Scribbler.
I'll ask her.
Oh, Gilda.
A reporter would like to know, "What is the secret of your success?" Kermit, can I talk to you for a second? I guess you can just say that she has stuck with it.
In the little time I've known her, she's really cemented our friendship.
I've heard of close friends, but this is ridiculous.
OK, well, bye-bye.
Hey, guys, get on stage! The intro! Oh, oh, help.
- Kermie, my sweet.
Piggy, not right now.
I'm stuck on the phone Literally.
Oh, Kermie, all this work and worry - Oh, Piggy don't touch me.
Oh, Froggy-poo.
- Now I'm stuck on you! Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Thank you! Oh Oh Will you let Will you let Get away from me! What is this? Zoot, my fingers are glued to the piano.
I can't get my saxophone out of my mouth.
Let's get out of here! Here is a Muppet newsflash.
The great Glue Threat is over.
The rogue adhesive is under control, but Oh, everything is under Oh, Kermie-poo.
Piggy, you're putting all your weight on me.
Hmm.
Maybe we shall be stuck like this forever.
I don't think I can go on supporting you that long.
Well, if you think I'm gonna go out and work Aah! Can we get the band ready? - Get the band ready.
Come on, you guys.
Piggy - What? Hey, Floyd, what is Gonzo doing back there? Oh, he's watching television.
Shouldn't he be further from the screen? No His eyes are glued to the set.
Oh, my Aah! Fozzie, would you introduce the next number? Oh, boy Uh, hi.
We're having a little trouble back here, but that's OK, that's OK.
Let's just give a great big hand for our very special guest star.
Oh, no, my hand is stuck Uh Uh Miss Gilda Radner.
What did you do? # Tap # Your troubles away # You've bounced a big check # Your mom has the vapors # Tap your troubles away # Your car had a wreck # They're serving you papers # When you're the one that it always rains on # Simply try putting your Mary Janes on # Your boss just gave you the axe # There's years of back tax # You simply can't pay # If you're having bad luck # If you seem to get stuck # Make a curtsy and tap your troubles away # When you need something to turn your mind off # Why not try tapping your poor behind off? # Your boat goes over the falls # The plane you're on stalls # The pilot yells "pray" # When your parachute strap # Is beginning to snap # Smile a big smile And tap, tap, tap # Your troubles away # When the wolf's at your door # There's a bluebird in store # If you glide 'cross the floor # Till your ankles get sore # Just tap your troubles away! # Your troubles away # Your troubles away # To the left, to the left.
Keep going, keep going.
A little bit more.
Keep going a little bit more To the left.
Hold it, hold it.
Too far.
Back a little bit.
Back, back, back.
OK, that about does it for another regular, nothing out of the ordinary, everything under control Muppet Show.
And somewhere back amongst us is our very special guest star.
She's the one behind us here, Miss Gilda Radner.
Thanks, Kermit, it's been great.
I just can't seem to tear myself away.
Yeah, OK.
Well, that's all for now, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! OK, everybody bow.
Goodnight.
- So long.
Oh, no!
Thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Radner.
Well, Scooter, what's all this fuss I keep hearing about me doing The Muffin Show? I mean, what kind of a show is it about muffins? Why, the next thing you know, they have me do a show with rye bread, or little, tiny lovely biscuits.
Why, I can't do a show like that, it's outrageous! Excuse me, ma'am.
- What? It's not The Muffin Show.
It's The Muppet Show.
Ooh Well, that's very different.
Never mind.
It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Gilda Radner.
Yeah! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? I always get butterflies before a show.
Not this time.
- Aah! # It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show! # Thank you, thank you and welcome, again, to The Muppet Show.
Hey, tonight, we have with us one of America's brightest young comedienne's, Miss Gilda Radner! But first, let us take a moment to consider the folk music of the North American Eskimo.
Here is a traditional lullaby from beyond the Antarctic Circle or somewhere.
# Come on along and listen to # The lullaby of Broadway # Hip hip hooray and ballyhoo # The lullaby of Broadway - # The rumble of the subway train - # A ding, a ding - # The rattle of the taxis - # A ding, a ding, a ding - # The daffodils who entertain - # A ding, a ding # At Angelo's and Maxie's # When a Broadway baby says goodnight # It's early in the morning # Manhattan babies don't sleep tight # Until the dawn # Goodnight, baby # Goodnight # Milkman's on his way.
# Sleep tight, baby # Sleep tight - # Let's call it a day - # Hey! - # Come on along and listen to - # A ding, a ding - # The lullaby of Broadway - # A ding, a ding, a ding - # A hi-dee-ho and boopa doo - # A ding, a ding # You'll sleep all day # Goodnight, baby # Goodnight # Milkman's on his way # Sleep tight, baby # Sleep tight # Let's call it a day Hey, Norton, I don't think this is 42nd street.
# Listen to the lullaby - # Of old Broadway - # A ding, a ding # A ding, a ding A ding, a ding # A ding, a ding, a ding # Hey! # Weird, why did they want the igloo? What? - Why did they want the igloo? Well, maybe someone broke their "ig.
" OK, OK.
Do Eskimos have chickens? Good number, but move it, move it, move it! I can't.
I've got a broken ig.
Ah It's Gilda Radner.
Hi, Kermit.
Hi there.
- Listen, I want to really thank you for letting me do the operetta number.
I love operetta, and no one's ever given me a chance to do one before.
Oh, well, you're welcome.
Have you got my parrot? - Your what? My parrot.
My seven-foot-tall talking parrot.
A seven-foot-tall talking parrot? Right.
I wrote you in the letter.
Well, well, I got your letter, but I couldn't quite read your handwriting.
A parrot? Well, what'd you think I asked for? - I I wasn't really sure.
I thought it was a Never mind.
Must I share my dressing room with the other vegetables? A seven foot tall talking carrot? Watch it, lady, I'm a star.
I sang the hit song from Cole.
Cole? Cole Porter? - Coleslaw.
They paid him a huge celery.
Now she's stealing my jokes.
Well, I have to do something.
I don't have an opening number now.
Why not? Well, I was going to do selections from The Parrots of Penzance.
The Parrots of Penzance? Yeah, well it's better than The Carrots of Penzance.
Come on, vitamin brains.
Ker Ker Ker Kermit.
Gilda Radner and a seven-foot-tall talking carrot? Well, I introduce 'em.
I don't explain 'em.
Uh A few performers are brave or foolhardy enough to tackle the blinding complexity of the following musical number, but here she is, tempting fate, Miss Gilda Radner.
# I am the very model of a modern Major-General # I've information, vegetable animal and mineral # I know the kings of England and I quote the fights hysteric # - # From Alahoo to - Hold it.
Hold it.
Maestro, please.
You blew it, my child.
Never send a girl in to do a carrot's work.
Ooh, if I knew a 1 2-foot rabbit, you'd really be in trouble.
Why don't we try an easy one, hmm? Maestro, please.
# When a carrot's not engaged in his employment # His employment # Or maturing his felonious little plans # Little plans # His capacity for innocent enjoyment # cent enjoyment - # Is just as great as any honest man - # Honest man # Our feelings we with difficulty smother # culty smother # When our vegetary duty's to be done # To be done # I'll take one consideration with another # With another # A carrots lot is not a happy one # Aah! Wait a minute.
Who are these guys? They're my back-up group.
They travel with me everywhere.
What have you got? A chauffeur-driven shopping cart? Why don't you just stand back and let me show you how it's done.
# I am the very model of a modern Major-General # I've information, vegetation animable Oh Hold it, hold it.
See, you didn't make it either.
Maybe I didn't want to make it.
Why don't you sing, Gilda? # Poor wand'ring one # Though thou hast surely strayed # Take heart of grace # Thy steps, retrace # Poor wand'ring one! # Poor wand'ring one # If such poor love as mine # Can help me find # True peace of mind # Why, take it, it is # It is thine Here we go! # I am the very model of a modern Major-General # I've information, vegetable animal and mineral - # I know the kings of England - # I quote the fights historical # From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical # In military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury # Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century - # But still in matters vegetable - # Animal and mineral # I am the very model of a modern Major-General # But still in matters vegetable animal and mineral # I am the very model of a modern Major-General # You know, usually operetta music puts me right to sleep.
You too, huh? Uh Ladies and gentlemen, a Muppet melodrama.
Help! Oh And now, for the last time, my little peach pie, will you marry me? Drop dead! I think that might be my line, my dear.
Oh, where, oh, where is my hero? I said Where, oh, where is my hero? Here I am, my precious.
Sorry I was late.
I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
Never mind, just get me out of here.
Say! I know those boots! - Hmm? Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City? Why, yes, I was.
- Harry's Boom Boom Room? You've caught my act? - Huh.
I never could figure out how you did that passe double thing, though.
Paso doble.
Oh, quite simple, my boy, quite simple.
Music, maestro, please.
- Music? What? Hey, hey! Cool it up there! a little flourish! Watch it! - A-ha! You mean, like this? - Whoo-hoo! Oh, there! Easy! Down, boy.
- A-ha! Almost, almost.
More like - Hey! Oh! - Hey, wait Hey! I suppose you think that's funny! I think you might well start with a new pair of' boots.
All right, Muppaphones, move it, move it, move it, move it.
How am I doing? Any better? Yes.
Yes, you're getting it, you're getting it.
Yeah? Well, you're both gonna get it.
Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Whoa! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is time, once again, for a return engagement of the incomparable Marvin Suggs.
I say "incomparable" because I can't imagine anything to compare him to.
Anyway, here he is with his Muppaphone, Marvin Suggs! Gracias, gracias, gracias.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Hi-yah! Yes, I am the beloved Marvin Suggs, and these are my Muppaphones Move it, move it, move it! - You're so strict.
Silencio.
And now Virginia and Stan exchange.
Sorry I'm late, I couldn't get a parking space.
Who cares?! Thank you, thank you! And now, we will play and sing for you the beloved old ballad, Witch Doctor.
Oh, but I just had my hair done.
Shut up! Thank you! Maestro! # I told the witch doctor I was in love with you # I told the witch doctor I was in love with you # And then the witch doctor he told me what to do - # He say - # Ooh! - # Ee! - # Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang - # Ooh! Ee! - # Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang Thank you! Thank you! Second verse! # My friend, the witch doctor He taught me what to say # My friend, the witch doctor He taught me what to do # I know that you'll be mine when I say this to you - # When I say - # Ooh! - # Ee! - # Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang - # Ooh! - # Ee! Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang Modulate! - # Ooh! - # Ee! - # Ooh! - # Ah! Ah! # Ting tang - # Walla walla - # Bing bang - # Ooh! Ee! - # Ooh! Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang - # Walla walla # Bing bang # I told the witch doctor I told you never to tell anyone! # Every Saturday Willie got his pay # Then he'd call on Nellie # Trousers neatly pressed and nice, white vest # Button holed bouquet, as well # On Nellie's little hat there was a little bird - # That little bird knew quite a lot - # It did, upon my word # And in its quiet way it had a lot to say # As the lovers strolled along # I'll be your little honey I can promise that # Said Nellie as she rolled her dreamy eyes - # It's a shame to take the money - # Said the bird on Nellie's hat # Last night she said the same to Jimmy Wise # Then to Nellie, Willy whispered as they fondly kissed # I bet that you were never kissed like that! # Well, you don't know Nellie like I do # Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat - # Oh, it's twelve o'clock - # Said Willie, as he took her home # Now, I bet you're never out as late as that.
Hmm? # Well, you don't know Nellie like I do # Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat # Autumn came along # Love's young dream gone wrong # Will went 'round to call # Servant with a grin said # She's not in, Nellie's gone away That's all # Poor Willie's heart was broke His life seemed all in vain # Until upon 5th Avenue he met his Nell again - # Said he - # We meet once more - # She said - # Love's dream is o'er # But we can still be real good friends # And I'll keep your presents, honey just for old times sake # Said Nellie as she rolled her dreamy eyes - # She's fixed him good and plenty - # Said the bird in Nellie's hat # Oh, really, Willie when will you be wise? # Yes, but how about the diamond engagement ring - # Of course - # Said Willie # You'll return me that # Oh, brother # Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat # Oh.
Dr.
Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today.
And here with me, is the lovely Miss Gilda Radner.
Thank you, Dr.
Honeydew.
Today we have an amazing demonstration.
And Gilda here has graciously volunteered to be our human guinea pig.
I have? Good.
That's settled then.
Oh, I shall need you, too, Beaker.
Come on in here.
Now we're ready to begin.
Listen, Dr.
Honeydew, you said "assistant.
" I never heard you say the word "guinea pig.
" Just put your head down here, so Dr.
Honey can work on you.
Well, I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea pigging.
There we go.
Blink.
There.
I have just placed on Gilda's forehead, a single teensy weensy drop of Muppet's new Super Adhesive.
Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.
What are we waiting for? - For it to get tacky.
Another first on this show.
- How's that? It's the first time we've had to wait for it to get tacky.
And, with that single drop of glue, I shall stick this rope to Gilda's forehead, and then Beaker and I shall haul on the rope, thus lifting Miss Radner bodily off the floor.
No, no, no.
Wait a minute.
That's OK, Gilda-poo, that's all right Now, Beaker, I hope you're feeling fit.
That's good.
OK Oh! Uh Oh, there was glue on the rag.
Maybe it says something about a Oh, wait! - Oh, no, wait.
Don't squeeze that tube! I'm sorry What do we do now? Let me consult my notes.
Oh, you're stuck! Oh, wait a minute, Beaker, I'll help you.
Wait a minute.
Whoa! It wasn't meant to go this way.
That's all for now from Muppet Labs.
Beaker! Well, that must be the glue, all right.
Well, what glue is that? - The one they mend the "ig" with! Yeah, well, OK.
Here she comes now, Mr.
Scribbler.
I'll ask her.
Oh, Gilda.
A reporter would like to know, "What is the secret of your success?" Kermit, can I talk to you for a second? I guess you can just say that she has stuck with it.
In the little time I've known her, she's really cemented our friendship.
I've heard of close friends, but this is ridiculous.
OK, well, bye-bye.
Hey, guys, get on stage! The intro! Oh, oh, help.
- Kermie, my sweet.
Piggy, not right now.
I'm stuck on the phone Literally.
Oh, Kermie, all this work and worry - Oh, Piggy don't touch me.
Oh, Froggy-poo.
- Now I'm stuck on you! Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Thank you! Oh Oh Will you let Will you let Get away from me! What is this? Zoot, my fingers are glued to the piano.
I can't get my saxophone out of my mouth.
Let's get out of here! Here is a Muppet newsflash.
The great Glue Threat is over.
The rogue adhesive is under control, but Oh, everything is under Oh, Kermie-poo.
Piggy, you're putting all your weight on me.
Hmm.
Maybe we shall be stuck like this forever.
I don't think I can go on supporting you that long.
Well, if you think I'm gonna go out and work Aah! Can we get the band ready? - Get the band ready.
Come on, you guys.
Piggy - What? Hey, Floyd, what is Gonzo doing back there? Oh, he's watching television.
Shouldn't he be further from the screen? No His eyes are glued to the set.
Oh, my Aah! Fozzie, would you introduce the next number? Oh, boy Uh, hi.
We're having a little trouble back here, but that's OK, that's OK.
Let's just give a great big hand for our very special guest star.
Oh, no, my hand is stuck Uh Uh Miss Gilda Radner.
What did you do? # Tap # Your troubles away # You've bounced a big check # Your mom has the vapors # Tap your troubles away # Your car had a wreck # They're serving you papers # When you're the one that it always rains on # Simply try putting your Mary Janes on # Your boss just gave you the axe # There's years of back tax # You simply can't pay # If you're having bad luck # If you seem to get stuck # Make a curtsy and tap your troubles away # When you need something to turn your mind off # Why not try tapping your poor behind off? # Your boat goes over the falls # The plane you're on stalls # The pilot yells "pray" # When your parachute strap # Is beginning to snap # Smile a big smile And tap, tap, tap # Your troubles away # When the wolf's at your door # There's a bluebird in store # If you glide 'cross the floor # Till your ankles get sore # Just tap your troubles away! # Your troubles away # Your troubles away # To the left, to the left.
Keep going, keep going.
A little bit more.
Keep going a little bit more To the left.
Hold it, hold it.
Too far.
Back a little bit.
Back, back, back.
OK, that about does it for another regular, nothing out of the ordinary, everything under control Muppet Show.
And somewhere back amongst us is our very special guest star.
She's the one behind us here, Miss Gilda Radner.
Thanks, Kermit, it's been great.
I just can't seem to tear myself away.
Yeah, OK.
Well, that's all for now, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! OK, everybody bow.
Goodnight.
- So long.
Oh, no!