The Neighborhood (2018) s03e04 Episode Script

Hey, Dave.
Oh, hey, buddy.
Hey, this came while you guys were out, so I just signed for it.
Ah, thanks.
No problem.
It's just what neighbors do.
Looks like you opened it.
Again, it's what neighbors do.
Calvin, this could have been something personal or private.
I know.
I was pretty disappointed.
'Sup, dudes? Whoa, is that a rooster? Yeah, man, why are you walking your dinner? This isn't dinner.
This is Beaker.
I'm Wyatt.
I just moved in the house behind you.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm-I'm Dave.
This is Calvin.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
And welcome to the neighborhood to you, little buddy Ow! No! I get it.
Threatened by another alpha male.
Yeah, seriously, though, man, what's up with the rooster? Well, I'm what some might call an urban homesteader.
Oh, does that mean you have a lot of wives? No.
Calvin, an urban homesteader is someone who lives in the city, but does things you'd normally do on a farm.
Actually, it's a little more sophisticated than that.
See, I live a totally sustainable lifestyle, only eating from my organic vegetable garden, harnessing energy from the sun and the wind.
Basically, trying not to be just another parasitic leech, sucking the life out of Mother Earth.
Okay, yeah, I get it.
- This dude smokes a lot of weed.
- No.
Don't listen to him.
I think it's great that you're trying to save the planet.
Forget the planet.
You want to save that bird, don't walk him down Third Street.
It's a chicken joint on the corner, and you walking a number four combo plate.
I know you think that's funny, but if you ask us, it's finger-lickin' rude.
Well - congratulations, Dave.
- Well, for what? You're finally cooler than a Black guy.
Hey, babe.
Why you reading that fiction when you got a fantasy right here? Oh, yeah? Well, what is it about? Well, once upon a time, there was all this.
Ooh.
You get in here, my knight in shining armor, and you storm my castle.
Oh, no, not again.
Oh, b-babe, ignore it.
O-Or make it a part of the fantasy.
I'm a knight that lives on a farm.
You know what? That damn bird has been crowing - for the last three nights.
- Come on, Tina.
I'm not trying to get rooster-blocked again.
Uh, I-I'm sorry, Calvin.
I can't do this to animal sounds going on.
I'm freaky, but not that freaky.
Come on, Beaker.
Knock it off! Hey.
How are we supposed to get any sleep with all that crowing going on? Gemma.
Gemma.
Gemma.
- Huh? What? - Oh, great.
Now the rooster woke you up, too.
Dave, just ignore it.
How can you possibly sleep through that? I-I grew up in Hickory Corners.
You learn real quick to sleep through animal noises, tractor engines and the occasional exploding meth lab.
Well, since we're both up, I do know one thing that'll help me get back to sleep.
Shut up, Beaker.
Stop rubbing it in! Oh, hey, everybody.
Uh, Mom, I got some laundry for you.
Okay, baby.
Just leave it on the table.
All right.
Why can't Marty do his own laundry? He is a grown man, not a child.
Plus, Mama, he ate the piece of pie that I hid in the back of the fridge.
I know he's not a child.
- But look at these cheeks! - Hey, aw, come on.
Hey, Malcolm, what can I say, man? It ain't easy being squeezy.
Well, I just don't know why you let him take advantage of you.
He's not taking advantage of me.
His apartment doesn't have a washer and dryer.
And I don't want him having to lug all his dirty laundry to some sketchy Laundromat.
Yeah, she's right, Malcolm.
Look at these cheeks.
It ain't safe out there, man.
Well, I'm-a put these in the washer right now.
You have no shame.
That's true.
But you have no pie.
Oh, hey, Calvin.
Calvin? Hey.
Calvin.
Pick a lane, jackass! Let me guess: Wyatt's rooster's been keeping you up, too? Every night this week.
I'm so exhausted, this morning, I put my phone in the toaster and tried to call my mom on a bagel.
You know what? That's it.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm going over there to wring his damn neck.
Okay, Calvin, you can't just go over there and kill Beaker.
Beaker? I was talking about Wyatt.
Calvin, just hold on.
I know we're both tired and grouchy which, I know for you, is business as usual but that doesn't mean that violence is the answer.
Then what is? We kill Wyatt with kindness.
- I like the first half of that.
- No, no.
Calvin, we're gonna go over there, we're gonna bring him some homemade cookies, we're gonna say, "Welcome to the neighborhood," and then we're gonna bring up the rooster, at which point, I'm sure he's gonna be very reasonable.
D-Dave, please.
He'd be a fool to fall for that.
Would he? I got you to stop mowing your lawn so early in the morning.
Are you kidding me? I got to sleep in and I got cookies? Who played who, Dave? Oh, hey, Mom.
What are you doing here? Well, I finished doing your laundry and thought I'd bring it over to you.
Oh, Mama, you didn't have to come all the way over here.
I was gonna drop off another load later tonight.
Well, actually, I was also thinking that maybe I could take a nap here.
I just can't get any rest at home with that rooster crowing all the time.
Yeah, no problem.
But I was just on my way out.
Some cast members from Star Trek are doing a signing at my favorite comic book store.
Captain's log: excited! Okay, baby, well, go have fun.
And may the Force be with you.
Eh, ooh, um, actually, that's Star Wars.
See, Star Trek takes place in a completely different universe where there's a united federa Look at that.
I'm half asleep already.
Point taken.
Uh, sleep well and prosper.
Thank God.
All right, so where does he keep his pillows? Pillows Ah.
Yeah.
Oh, hell no! I'm-a beam my foot up his ass.
Calvin, I'm telling you, this is gonna work.
Wyatt is gonna love my ladyfingers.
Yeah, I bet he's gonna love your cookies, too.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, there, Wyatt.
What you doing there? Yeah, did we, uh, catch you in a private moment? Oh, no, just churning some butter.
You want to take a tug? I most certainly do not.
Uh, yeah, Wyatt, we just came by to officially say welcome to the neighborhood.
Oh, thanks, but no thanks.
I don't know about you, but my conscience won't allow me to support the sugar cartels.
Oh, well, I-I've never heard of the sugar cartels.
And yet, you're a soldier in their army.
L-Look, man, your rooster has been crowing every night, and no one around here is getting any sleep.
Yeah, I hear you.
Beaker's a bit of a night owl.
Which is funny because my night owl is a real early bird.
Great, then you'll do something about it? Oh, no.
Getting rid of Beaker would upset my delicate backyard ecosystem.
I don't want to play God.
That is his/her/their business.
You know what? That's it.
Old MacDonald is about to get E-I-E-I-O'd.
No, uh, Calvin, no.
Hey, Wyatt, we all really appreciate what you're trying to do for the planet, but, uh, you know, a-around here, we look out for our neighbors.
Mm.
Oops, got to go.
It's feeding time, and Beaker hates to eat alone.
Oh, keep your feathers on.
I'm coming! You were right.
We got to whack that bird.
All right.
- You ready to do this? - Oh, yeah.
Let's choke this chicken.
If we go to jail for this, you have got to stop talking like that.
- All right, let's go.
- Hold on.
Let me just get my pillow out.
A pillow? W-Why a pillow? This is a bird-napping, not a sleepover.
It's a part of my plan.
Look, if we just steal the rooster, Wyatt is gonna know that it was us, which is why we're gonna make it look like a coyote attack.
Why would a coyote be carrying a pillow? No.
When we get into the yard, we're gonna rip open the pillow and throw feathers all over the place.
Then we're gonna squirt this fake blood everywhere.
After that, the only thing that's left to do is to grab the rooster, jam it in the pillowcase, and then go home to a good night's sleep.
Damn it, Dave.
That's the most brilliant plan - I've ever heard.
- That's what I'm saying.
You knew there was a gate? Yeah.
I was gonna say something, but then I thought, "Why?" - Okay, so where is he? - He's right over there, - on top of the chicken coop.
- Ah.
Standing guard over the ladies.
Respect, respect.
Okay, you go grab him.
I'm gonna frame a coyote.
Okay, Beaker this is nothing personal.
I just hate you and I want you to die! All right.
- Get him, Calvin, get him! - I'm trying.
But this sucker's fast.
He must be free-range! Calvin, quit messing around.
Get him.
Look, I'm trying.
Okay, I got him, I got him.
- Ooh.
- Calvin, nice work.
- That was amazing.
- I know.
When it comes to chasing chickens, it's all about the footwork.
Come on.
Let's get out of here before, uh that happens.
Go, go, go! Oh, hey, Mama.
- I'm surprised you're still here.
- Mm.
Well, I guess that's the thing about surprises.
You never know when you're gonna open a door and find one.
So, how was the comic book store? - Oh, it was incredible.
- Mm? I got my shirt signed by two Klingons, a Romulan and a Borg.
Well, that's wonderful, baby.
- I'm glad you had fun.
- Yeah.
How about you? Did you have a good nap? Well, I ended up not taking one.
Oh, why not? Well, you know, your place is so nice, I just got caught up doing other things, like watching your big TV and enjoying your beautiful view, and finding you have a damn washer and dryer! What? There's a washer and dryer here? I can't believe you.
Why would you lie to me? Uh, well, uh, technically, I didn't lie.
I just withheld the truth, which, according to Dad, there's a big difference.
All these years I've been doing your laundry when you could've been doing it your damn self? Actually, actually, that's not true, either.
See, 'cause I never learned how to do my laundry, because you always did it for me.
So, if you think about it, this is kind of on you.
It's on me? No, no, no, it's-it's on me.
It's on me.
Well, in that case, this is on you.
Mama! Oh! Mama.
This is a collector's item.
Why would you do that? To give you a reason to learn how to do your own laundry.
And you better do it quick before that stains.
Oh, mama's log: payback! Wow.
I've never really seen a rooster up close.
Yeah, me, neither.
They're weirdly kind of beautiful.
Yeah, really is.
Okay, now, go ahead and snap its neck.
What? I can't do it.
I'm not a killer.
I can't, either.
I caught him.
He'd see it coming from me.
Uh-uh.
Not me.
I can't do it.
Look, I know this is gonna be hard for you to believe, but I'm not as hard-core as I look.
Okay.
If you can't do it, then I guess I'll do it.
Stand back.
Let me show you how a gangsta takes out a bird.
Ah, ooh, ah.
Ah - Ah, I can't.
- Why not? We made eye contact.
I saw his soul.
Saw whose soul? Uh, uh, Calvin's.
By the way, beautiful soul, Calvin.
Really.
Oh, my God.
Did you two steal that guy's rooster? Okay, look, I know, I know it seems crazy, but we tried talking to Wyatt, and he wouldn't do anything about it.
Which is why we had to steal it.
And now neither one of us can bring ourselves to send him to the big chicken coop in the sky.
I can't believe you guys.
You are two grown men, and you can't kill a rooster? - Whoa! Whoa! - Whoa! Come on, it's no big deal.
Back on the farm, I used to kill chickens all the time.
You did? Trust me, once you've gone elbow-deep to inseminate a cow, you can do pretty much anything.
Wow.
Tina won't even stick her fingers in a bowling ball.
Okay, okay, okay.
Stop, please.
I-I know what we can do.
We can drive him out to the country and leave him at a, at a real farm.
You know what? That's a great idea.
Stay here.
I'm gonna go get a box.
You keep an eye on her.
Come on, please, come out, come out, come out! How's it going out here? Terrible.
The stain's spreading.
Oh, well, I am so glad I switched from red to white.
It pairs so much better with revenge.
You know, how can you sit there and just watch me suffer like this? You mean like how you sat and watched me do your laundry for years? That's not true.
I never watched.
I just dropped it off and left.
That's it.
I give up.
The shirt's ruined.
- I hope you're happy.
- No, I am not happy.
My own son lied to me and treated me like the help just because he was too damn lazy to do his own laundry.
Mom, I didn't lie to you because I was lazy.
Then why did you? I don't want to say.
It's embarrassing.
Marty, you went out in public dressed as an imaginary space captain.
The embarrassing ship has sailed.
Fine.
The truth is, the reason I had you do my laundry is so I had an excuse to come home.
What are you talking about? You don't need an excuse - to come home.
- Yes, I do.
Mama, I'm a grown man living on my own.
I'm not supposed to run home every time I get lonely and miss you guys.
How does that look? It looks like somebody who loves his family.
No, more like somebody who can't live without them.
Marty, that's a good thing.
Too many kids can't wait to grow up and get out of their homes.
And the fact that you love coming back means that we have something special.
You should never be ashamed of that.
You're right, Mama.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
It's okay.
I forgive you.
That's why I'm gonna do this.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Mama! Why'd you do that? You said you forgave me.
I do forgive you.
White wine is the only thing that gets red wine out.
Wait, so the shirt's gonna be okay? - Sure is.
- Okay, awesome.
That means I won't look ridiculous wearing it.
I never said that.
How's Beaker doing in there? He seems pretty quiet.
He actually looks pretty comfortable.
I think he knows that we're taking him to a good home.
Hopefully, one without someone like Gemma.
All I know is I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep.
Yeah, me, too.
You don't feel bad about what we're doing to Wyatt, do you? Hell no.
This guy gets what he deserves.
Moving in with his stupid farm, trying to save the Earth.
I mean, if you ask me, - it's just plain selfish.
- Yeah.
You know what? You're right.
He was driving everyone in the neighborhood nuts.
You're damn straight.
W-We're the good guys here.
Good guys? We're practically heroes.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not saying that we deserve a holiday, - but I wouldn't be mad at a parade.
- Yeah I mean, seriously, who keeps a rooster, anyways? Yeah.
Get yourself a dog.
That's a real pet.
Did you ever have a dog? Yeah.
Yeah, his name was Duke.
Best friend I ever had.
Don't you mean second best friend? I said what I said.
Well, what happened to him? He ran away.
I left the gate open one day, and when I came home, he was gone.
Oh, man.
That's awful.
Yeah, broke my heart.
Yeah, but this-this is different.
Yeah, no, totally.
I mean, just 'cause Wyatt took him for walks and cared for him and gave him a name.
- We're monsters! - What have we done?! I feel terrible.
Yeah, me, too, man.
You know what? W-We got to get Beaker home.
Yeah, turn the truck around.
- Hold onto the box.
- Okay.
I miss you, Duke! This is great.
I've always wanted to make my own butter.
You know what they say.
Once you go churn, you never return.
Oh, hey, Calvin.
Check this out.
Dave, please don't say my name when you're doing that.
Hey, you know, I'm really worried about my technique.
Am I doing this right? Close.
But do it like this.
Oh.
That's it.
Tina! Throw out the butter! From now on, I'm eating my toast dry!