The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s03e04 Episode Script

1
You got me breathin' in pure oxygen ♪
Yes, darlin' ♪
- My life is over.
- You said that yesterday
when the Wi-Fi went out for five
minutes. What's happening now?
I sent Arvind a risky DM yesterday,
and I've been spiraling
about it all night.
I'm sure it's not that bad.
What was the message?
Tried to reverse-psychology him
into breaking up with his girlfriend.
Sorry. That was just so much worse
than anything
I thought you were gonna say.
Did he respond?
No, he hasn't seen it yet.
He hasn't seen it yet.
I can still unsend it. Kimberly,
you wicked psycho, how do you come up
with these sick little schemes?
I didn't, and I really
don't want credit for it.
Unsent. Holy shit, that was close.
Phew. Thanks, Kimbo.
Prove you got the right to please me ♪
Time is passin' like a solar eclipse ♪
See you watchin'
and you blow me a kiss ♪
It's your moment, baby,
don't let it slip ♪
Come in closer ♪
- Are you readin' my lips? ♪
- (SIGHS)
- They say I come and I go ♪
- (MOANING)
Tell me all the ways you need me ♪
I'm not here for long ♪
Catch me or I go Houdini ♪
- Catch me or I go Houdini. ♪
- BELA: Excuse me.
Where are you ladies coming from?
- Um, nowhere.
- You know, stuff.
Oh, my God.
A double walk of shame? I need to record
this historic moment in our suite.
Say "Dicked down"
on three. One, two.
- Dicked down!
- Absolutely not.
Okay, spill!
I want all the juicy details.
Um, well,
Isaiah and I have been hooking up
every day for the last week.
- Ee!
- But we're keeping it casual,
which is great for my busy schedule.
We don't waste time on boring things
like conversation and greetings.
- That sounds efficient.
- And hot.
Turns out being friends
with benefits is way better
when you're not even friends.
Oh. Do you like him as a person?
Honestly, no idea. It's great!
Well, Eli and I have been having
the most amazing sex, too.
You know how there are
aftershocks after big earthquakes?
I've been having internal aftershocks.
Like, I had one the entire time
when he was talking.
- (GASPS)
- Sorry, but is this what y'all do for fun?
Talk about the sex you're having
with guys who don't want to date you?
Well, I like to think
it's a little bit
more nuanced than that.
Oh, trust me, I'm not judging.
I just did the most
desperate thing of all time.
Download dating apps to find a new guy.
Yeah, we all have been
on every dating app
that has ever been made.
Oh. Fun. Sorry I called it desperate.
It's just that I think it is.
Well, word to the wise
don't get discouraged.
Sometimes it takes a while
for the algorithms to give good matches.
My profile has 200 likes in a few hours.
Is that a lot?
- It's fine. Yeah.
- It's okay.
Well, um, I'm glad
you all are having successful
sex and dating lives.
Meanwhile, I'm going
to go to guard the spirit rock.
- The what?
- BELA: Oh, Essex is playing
our rival Crestmont this weekend,
and it's part of school tradition
to guard this big painted rock
so their students don't vandalize it.
- That sounds fun!
- It's not.
- Oh.
- But it is part
of my FAF duties to guard it.
And I will be doing my shift with Arvind
and his basic bitch girlfriend.
Really not looking forward to
third-wheeling them for six hours.
Wish me luck.
Hmm. Up to 250.
I know it's problematic
when a man says this,
but could you smile more?
I want people here
to think I have friends.
Yeah, but did you see the story
on C-SPAN last night
about the chief of staff
of the transportation secretary
who had to resign
over their digital footprint?
Do you watch the news? You know
you can change your algorithm
to block that stuff out, right?
Yeah, I'm going
through my Instagram right now
and deleting anything that could
possibly be seen as offensive.
- Offensive in what way?
- Like this.
I was once a sushi for Halloween.
And that might not be cultural
appropriation right now,
but in a couple of years, who knows?
I would delete it,
but for very different reasons.
If I want to be a Supreme Court justice,
I have to make sure
that my record is squeaky clean.
Which is why I'm also deleting
this photo of me from 2017
captioned, "Me gusta Cinco de Mayo."
Like, what were you thinking,
Younger Kimberly?
That is not your holiday to gusta.
You should also delete that one
of you wearing Crocs.
Oh, are Crocs offensive?
To the concept of fashion, absolutely.
Hey, do you know
where the theater department is?
In light of recent events, I've decided
to get the lead in the fall musical.
Oh, I didn't know you were a performer.
You don't seem
like a theater person at all.
That is the nicest thing
you could ever say to me.
Theater people are so thirsty
and embarrassing.
I only do it because I'm pretty,
and I dance really well,
and I sing like an angel.
Right. I think the shows here
are pretty hard to get cast in,
but no matter what happens,
it's really good
to put yourself out there.
And maybe you'll make some new friends.
Theater friends? (LAUGHS) God, no.
I just want my shitty ex,
Calvin, to be pissed
when he has to see my face
on every bulletin board
on campus.
Wow. What a fun goal to have.
Hello, hello, it's a mellow day ♪
You see me sitting pretty
while the cellos play ♪
This is so exciting.
I'm so happy you two are
finally getting to meet.
Yup. Really exciting stuff.
- I've heard so much about you.
- Mm.
Arvind is always telling me
the funny things you say.
Yeah, I do a really bad job
of repeating them,
but then, Emily laughs anyway,
because, well, she laughs a lot.
- (LAUGHS)
- You do laugh a lot.
It's true. (LAUGHS)
Uh, I think I'm gonna
go check out the other side
- of the rock for a bit.
- Cool.
MAN: Hey.
- Oh. Hey. You're the mascot.
- Yup, that's me.
I didn't know you were allowed to talk.
I normally don't, unless
there's someone worth talking to.
Okay. Have we met before?
No, but I wanted
to come over and say "hi"
to the sexiest girl here.
Wow. Uh, I'm Bela, by the way.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Sorry. That's my cue.
They all cool I'm a whole vibe ♪
- Life of the party ♪
- Hey ♪
Watch how the
dance floor get so live ♪
Whole crew fresh, money in the bank ♪
Man, I'm feeling like the GOAT ♪
Got a mean two-step,
wanna learn my dance ♪
I can show Ali the ropes ♪
- Every lady and man ♪
- Get down, get down ♪
- Get down ♪
- Get down, get down ♪
Hey ♪
Got a drink in your hand ♪
Okay, Franklin The Fox.
- Hey! ♪
- You came here to dance ♪
TERESA: So on behalf
of the administration,
congratulations on being chosen to pilot
Essex's new food delivery system.
Yas! It's giving innovation, honey.
Thanks to these delivery robots,
students will be able
to enjoy Sips beverages
wherever they are on campus.
And he's just so cute. Hello.
Welcome to the Sips family.
It's so nice to meet you.
It's not a Pixar movie. They don't talk.
We don't know that.
- They do not talk.
- Got it.
Feel free to reach out
if you have any questions.
The other three robots
will be delivered later.
It's an honor, truly.
Take care. Lovely to meet you.
Fuck these things. I'm
not gonna let this little
- R2-D2-ass bitch take my money.
- What are you talking about?
Wake up. If people start
getting their drinks delivered,
that means they won't come into
Sips, which means less tips.
This robo devil is
stealing money from us.
She's right. These big corporations
- are using automation to replace us.
- Mm.
I don't want to sound like
my craziest uncle on Facebook,
but these robots come for everybody.
Hmm. Zippy would never do that.
I named him Zippy, by the way.
- Let's shove it in the supply closet.
- I'm with that. Okay.
Wait, guys. No. I'm
uncomfortable with that idea.
- We could get in trouble.
- Okay.
What do you suggest we do?
I'm open to ideas.
Um, well, we could start by
gathering compelling data points,
and then we do
a letter-writing campaign.
And I bet in a few short weeks,
we could have Essex see our side.
- Horrible idea. We're doing my thing.
- CANAAN: Mm-hmm.
- Bye, Zippy.
- Adios.
Wait, guys.
I think we're making a mistake.
- Can we at least talk about it?
- No!
- (GRUNTS)
- Yeah, that's right, robot.
You just got human-ed.
Back to work.
KACEY: Whitney!
- Have you been out here all night?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Sophomore year is no joke.
We have a huge game this weekend,
and classes are kicking my ass.
Being a student athlete
was so much easier
when I didn't care about
the student part. But it's okay.
I think I've figured out a way
to get it all done.
Turns out there's a bunch of hours
in the day I just haven't been using.
- Do you mean the ones at night?
- Yeah.
- (PHONE ALARM CHIMES)
- Protein break.
If I eat every 30 minutes,
it tricks my body
into never falling asleep.
Between that and tripling
my caffeine intake, I'm golden.
It's a life hack.
Good morning!
(GASPS) Wow. Bela, you look amazing!
- Thank you.
- And this time, I, like, really mean it.
Okay. Yeah. Thanks.
- Hmm. (GROANS SOFTLY)
- Oh.
Will one of you smell me?
I need to make sure
my perfume can penetrate a thick mask.
Oh, did I not tell you guys?
I'm gonna fuck the mascot.
- I'm sorry. What?
- Franklin the Fox?
The one and only.
I met him at the rock yesterday,
and we were vibing.
I'm-a get all up in that fur.
Have you ever seen him
without his costume?
Do we ever really see anyone
outside of their costume?
I haven't, but, like, I will.
I get it. Franklin the Fox
is jacked and stacked.
Thank you.
All right, well, I'm
gonna start getting ready.
- I have my audition today.
- Oh, right.
Oh, thanks, but you don't need luck
when you were the second best
singer in your whole church.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Is anyone else worried
she might not be as good
as she hypes herself up to be?
I'm starting to think that, too.
- Yeah.
- (PHONE ALARM CHIMES)
Did you just take
an espresso bean like a pill?
Yeah, she's booked and busy,
but she got this.
Heads up. It's gonna be
a long wait to audition.
You might want to take a seat.
Oh, thanks,
but my clothes are way too cute
to get wrinkled by sitting.
I don't think I've seen you around.
Yeah, I don't really do
the whole theater-kid thing.
It's just not really my scene.
I mean, what's going on over there?
It's sad to look at.
You do realize I'm, like,
obviously a theater person,
- too, right?
- Right.
I'm sure you're different.
I-I'm just saying
those people would've been eaten
alive in the pageant world.
Oh, you're a pageant girl.
That makes sense.
I'm sorry. Do you have
an issue with pageants?
Well, I mean, aren't pageants
just girls in bathing suits
walking across a stage,
being objectified
while they, like,
talk about world peace?
Yeah, I mean, that's a part of
it, sure, but all I'm saying is
that pageants have done way more
for America than theater ever has.
Okay, well, that's insane, but respect.
- (SCOFFS)
- Well, look, just a heads-up,
Professor Dorfmann is
super intense during auditions,
so don't expect any reactions.
She doesn't laugh, doesn't clap.
- Like, I don't think she even blinks.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
She's into all sorts of mind games.
Trust me, whatever mind games
she plays has nothing
on the girls backstage
at Little Miss Charlston.
I once saw a girl put Sprite
into another girl's eye drops.
- That's deeply disturbing.
- She was legally blind for two hours.
Ruined her baton routine. The point is,
I'll be fine. I don't get rattled.
Well, good luck in there, pageant girl.
- Kacey.
- Cooper.
Good luck, Cooper.
Thanks.
♪
Hey, if Eli invited me
to a rave that doesn't start
until 12:30 a.m., do I text him,
"See you tonight" or "See you tomorrow"?
If you're asking that question,
this rave
like all raves is not for you.
I'm just gonna just give it a thumbs-up.
Hey, everybody,
look who decided to stop by
with absolutely no warning whatsoever.
Oh, hey, robot lady.
Hey, everyone, just decided to drop
by and see how everything's going.
Oh, it's a slay, mama.
I mean, where have
these little machines been
my whole life, am I right, sister?
I have some follow-up questions
to see how the program is doing.
Sounds great. I can answer
any and all of your questions.
Actually, I'd love to ask the barista,
since you're the one who deals
with the robots the most.
Okay, fun, yeah.
Uh, Kimberly and Canaan,
who is also a barista,
would be happy to tell you
- how great and normal everything's going.
- Mm-hmm.
- CANAAN: Yep.
- Yep. Definitely. I'm Kimberly.
Great. I'll pull up this form.
Oh, are my answers being recorded?
Mm-hmm.
Got it.
How difficult have you found it
to integrate the robots
into your system?
Uh, uh, some words
that come to mind for me
- are "seamless," "synergy"
- Mm. Mm.
- "slam dunk," all around, all around.
- Mm-hmm.
TERESA: Kimberly? Have you found it
just as easy to integrate the system?
- Super easy.
- Mm.
Or, like, medium easy.
And, like, sometimes hard.
Yeah, that's a really tough one.
I'm sorry, how many more
questions do you have?
- Well, I've asked one.
- Mm.
Do you feel Essex College
should invest more
in automation to optimize efficiency?
I can't lie, we haven't used
them, we locked them in the closet.
What Kimberly's trying to say
is that we had some difficulties
- Mm-hmm.
- Setting them up.
Canaan, can you show the nice lady
where they're being carefully stored?
Of course, of course. Right this way.
- The fuck is wrong with you?
- Ugh, Lila, I'm sorry,
but I can't lie,
I have to keep my record clean.
Well, I hope you're happy,
because we're all
about to be poor, because of you.
- Lilo & Snitch up in here.
- Don't be mad at me.
Oh, I'm not mad. I'm piss-appointed.
Which is worse than "disappointed,"
because I'm pissed.
- (DEVICE WHIRRING)
- (GASPS)
Oh, how wonderful.
The robots are working again.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, um, seems like the issue
is that you didn't take them
out of the boxes
or turn them on.
- What?
- Oh. Man, technology,
it just gets more
and more advanced every day.
CANAAN: The manual
didn't say that, it said
to leave it in the box
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
♪
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Let's go.
- Hang on, give me a second, I'm on hold
- with my car lease guy.
- Dude, I have 20 minutes.
- Do that later. Take off your pants.
- W-Wow. Okay, yeah.
Uh, let's do this. Let's do it oh.
- Uh
- What what-what's going on?
They're button fly, it takes
a second. 20 minutes seems like
a normal amount of time,
do we have to move at this pace?
My schedule is insane today.
I'm squeezing this in
- between practice and a lab.
- Uh-huh.
A lab? Are you a STEM major?
Is that a follow-up question?
You know the rules we've established:
no follow-up questions, no sleepovers
and no childhood stories
longer than one sentence.
I told you, you can't tell
a story in one sentence.
- Shut up.
- Whoa. Okay. Damn.
I like this side of you.
It's scary, but don't stop.
CARL (OVER PHONE):
Isaiah, what's it gonna take
to get you in a Land Rover?
Hang up, Carl.
♪
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
- Friggin' nerds.
- MASCOT: You came.
Hey. I knew you'd be here.
MASCOT: To be honest,
I'm supposed to be at
a women's fencing match right now.
But I had to see you again.
You look great.
So do you. I like your jacket.
MASCOT: Thanks. It's
actually sewn into the fur.
- No, not yet. Keep it on.
- If that's what you want.
Mm-hmm. Let's get out of here.
Eat the cake as fast as you can ♪
Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man ♪
Eat the cake as fast as you can ♪
Oh, my God. Franklin.
Put your face on the plate,
go ahead and clean it ♪
Take a plate, eat it,
kiss it, eat it ♪
Put your face on the plate ♪
Go ahead and clean it. ♪
Kacey Baker?
You're up.
(EXHALES)
Hi.
I'm Kacey Lynn Baker.
You're ♪
Gonna hear me ♪
Roar ♪
I used to bite my tongue
and hold my breath ♪
Scared to rock the boat
and make a mess ♪
So I sat quietly ♪
Agreed politely ♪
You held me down, but I got up ♪
Already brushing off the dust ♪
I see it all, I see it now ♪
I got the eye of the tiger ♪
A fighter ♪
Dancing through the fire ♪
'Cause I am a champion ♪
And you're gonna hear me roar ♪
Louder, louder than a lion ♪
'Cause I am a champion ♪
And you're gonna hear me ♪
Roar ♪
You're gonna hear me roar, yeah ♪
You're gonna hear me roar. ♪
(PANTING)
DORFMANN: Kacey?
Well done.
Thank you.
Yes.
♪
- Morning.
- Morning?
- What do you mean, "morning"?
- You fell asleep.
I've never seen anybody
go down that hard.
Oh, my God. What day is it?
It's tomorrow?
No, but it has to be yesterday.
- Please don't tell me it's not yesterday.
- Can you rephrase that?
Fuck. Fuck. I am so screwed.
I slept through my lab.
I have so much work to do
before my game tomorrow,
I needed last night to be productive.
- Oh, trust me, it was.
- Why didn't you wake me up?
Oh, I was going to,
but you seemed so comfortable,
- and you had this cute snore
- This is never happening again.
Fuck, where's my phone?
It's in your hand.
Great, now I'm even
more behind than I was.
Just assume you're not gonna
see me for, like, the next week.
But I'll-I'll squeeze you in if I can.
Squeeze me in? Who are you, my barber?
♪
BELA: I'm telling you, Kimberly,
you have to have sex with a mascot.
I mean, Franklin the Fox
definitely knows
his way around a human woman's body.
- Okay.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
(GASPS) Did the fox text you?
No, it's Arvind.
He texts me a random emoji every day.
Today's was a saxophone.
(LAUGHS)
It's funnier than it sounds.
I think I still have a crush on him.
Aw, Bela.
I just had the best sex of my life.
Why am I still thinking about
a wifed-up nice boy?
'Cause I think you're experiencing
- real feelings for someone.
- What?
So my feelings for Paul Mescal's
rugby thighs aren't real?
Ugh, I hate real feelings.
- (WHIRRING)
- Ugh, thank God.
I could really use
whatever's in here. (GRUNTING)
Oh, did you order a coffee?
No, I just open the top
and grab what's inside.
You know somebody else
paid for that, right?
Meh. The robot can just
make another one.
LILA: Well, well, well,
look who's fraternizing
- with the enemy.
- I didn't order it, I promise.
Well, I wanted to give you
your split of the tips
- from yesterday.
- Oh, great.
It's a hair tie
and a gum wrapper. Enjoy.
Look, Lila, I know you're mad,
but I couldn't lie
to the administration.
It's not worth the risk that
it could come back to haunt me.
You should be sorry, because now
I won't have enough money
to buy my dream horse.
Yes, that's right.
My dream horse. (GRUNTS)
No one help it!
♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Excuse me? Would you do me a favor?
I'd love a reaction video
I could post online,
so as the cast list goes up,
can you focus in
on my name and the role,
and then whip over
to do a slow push-in on my face
while I react shocked?
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Keep it vertical
and film from a high angle.
- And don't cut off my hair.
- (DORFMANN CLEARS THROAT)
(EXCITED CHATTER)
KACEY: "Old Woman"?
Are you fucking kidding me?
LIZ: Do you want me to keep recording?
No, stop recording.
LIZ: I accidentally cut off
part of your hair.
("WEALTHY" BY TAMBOUR BATTANT PLAYING)
Them the wealthy ♪
This may come as a surprise to you,
but this is my first time
at a party like this.
No, I believe it, from
everything I know about you,
- and, also, your dancing.
- The music is so loud,
- I can feel it in my teeth.
- Cool.
How do I know when it's
a good time to take a break?
This beat doesn't contain
any natural cues.
It's sort of supposed to feel
like a single four-hour song.
Four hours? I love that.
I can't wait to do this for that long.
But maybe we can step aside for a bit.
(EXHALES)
I still feel so bad
about how upset Lila is.
But I have to protect my future, right?
You got to let all this go.
Just slow your mind
and try and have fun.
Okay. I can do that.
The water here tastes so bad.
Did you notice that?
What table did you get that from?
There.
I think you're drinking Molly water.
Wait, what?
That has MDMA in it.
Oh, my God! I did drugs?
Okay, no. Don't panic.
We'll go find a place,
we'll sit down and we'll ride it out.
Okay. I'm on water drugs.
But I'm fine. Everything's fine.
(CHEERING RISES)
Eli.
Eli.
Fuck.
MASCOT: Hey, you.
Hey.
MASCOT: Last night was so
hot, I can't get it out of my head.
Look, I-I don't think
it's gonna work out between us.
MASCOT: What?
I realized that I think I was trying
to use you as a way
of getting over someone else.
- I'm okay with that.
- But I'm not.
I think I want to try
and be on my own for a while.
MASCOT: What if we
started over, face-to-face?
Look, I'm sure you're a great person,
but I've made my decision,
and I think it's best
if I never know who you are,
and just imagine you're
some sort of a butter face,
or an older janitor who loves
to clean the floors
or other parts of people's
Oh, come on! That's your face?
How dare you be handsome right now?
(SIGHS)
Doesn't matter, I
(SIGHING) I've made up my mind.
I'm going.
Bye, fox.
("DIZZY" BY OH CAROLINE PLAYING)
(CRYING)
- (DOOR OPEN, CLOSES)
- The stairwell's in use!
Oh, sorry.
Uh, didn't mean to interrupt you.
Oh. It's you. (CHUCKLING)
I thought I heard someone
crying, are you all right?
Oh. No, I'm, I'm just, um
admiring the architecture.
(SNIFFLES)
Strong. (CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
Got it.
Do you want to talk?
No, I'm good.
- Congratulations on your role, though.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
It's honestly messed up
that you didn't get the lead.
I heard your audition,
you are so much better
than the girl who got cast.
Like, you were incredible.
That means a lot.
You sure you're all right?
It feels weird
leaving you here like this.
No, I'm fine.
I just need to be alone
for 10 to 80 minutes.
Ah, you'll work it out.
You don't get rattled.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Well, I actually do have
to use the stairs, though.
Right. Of course. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- (SNIFFLES)
Oh-oh ♪
♪
(STUDENTS CHANTING): Essex!
- (GROANS)
- Essex! Essex!
Essex! Essex! Essex!
Essex! Essex!
Goddamn school spirit!
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
I know we said we wouldn't do this,
but I need to sleep
before my game tomorrow,
and there are 50 drunk idiots
outside my window.
Can I sleep here one last time?
I wish I could,
but that would break the rules.
Plus, I have another
overscheduled soccer player
spending the night.
(CHUCKLES)
Get in.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Also, I'm gonna need to borrow
your biggest and softest T-shirt.
("TRAVEL THROUGH THE SOUND"
BY ORANG UTAN PLAYING)
Oh, that feels nice.
I like that.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, no! I'm so sorry, Sonia.
Oh, don't say that.
Oh, don't call me a skank,
Sandra Day O'Connor,
I love you so much.
- Kimberly? Kimberly.
- Lila.
LILA: Get up. I'm taking you home.
(GASPS) How did you find me?
You texted me "I'm dying,"
like, 15 times.
Let's go.
Oh, my, it smells like
ass and titties. Move.
Just so you know, you've been
shaking the bed all night.
My Apple Watch asked me
if I was in a car accident.
I'm so sorry.
- Have you slept at all?
- Not really.
God, this sucks.
I really thought I would
sleep better here.
You nervous about the game?
Yeah. And school and friends,
and a weird joke my mom tweeted.
And this article I read about
increasing trash volumes.
Like, seriously,
where does our trash go?
It's 3:00 a.m. I don't want
to talk about trash.
I don't know why.
I think I've just been, like,
trying to do too much lately
and it's, like,
it's, like, keeping my heart rate
up when I try to rest or something.
Or maybe it's anxiety.
Have you talked to someone about it?
- Other than you right now? No.
- Sorry.
That was a major rule break.
I will shut up.
No. No, um
I appreciate it.
Now that we're both up, should we
like, watch something?
Watch? No. I have to go to sleep.
I have I have class tomorrow.
- Can you give me that pillow?
- What?
- You want my pillow?
- Yes. Okay? Your bed is
You already have three, how
much neck support do you need?
- What?
- Just a little bit, okay?
- Oh, my God.
- (SHUSHING)
I'm trying to get some sleep.
("I NEED A GUY WITH MONEY"
BY BRBN PLAYING)
I can't believe Eli didn't
even try to come find me.
- (SIGHS)
- But thank you for picking me up.
Are you kidding?
I would never miss a chance
to tell a bitch "I told you so."
I know, I'm a hypocrite.
I'm a drug-using hypocrite.
And you're also a narc,
and you suck at cleaning
the espresso machine.
If we're just naming your flaws.
I can't believe I did Molly
in front of 200 witnesses.
(GROANS) Now I'll never be
a Supreme Court Justice.
I'll probably just end up on, like,
- a regional circuit court.
- Girl
I'm pretty sure nobody
in that stanky-ass barn
is gonna be testifying in Congress.
Listen, you can't live
your life trying to do
everything perfectly, okay?
You-you just got to trust
that even if you make mistakes,
you're a good person.
- Mm.
- Okay?
People will see that.
Thank you, Lila.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're a such a good friend.
I know.
All right. Come on, let's go.
Where are we?
Oh, no, is this
a scared straight moment?
You ask way too many questions.
Let's go.
Oh. Why are all
the delivery robots here?
(ROBOT BEEPS)
Because I dropped a pin in a ditch
and ordered 50 coffees to it.
You can be the good girl that does
everything the right way. But me?
I get shit done.
It's best if you look away.
Oh-oh ♪
Goodbye, bitches.
- I think I'm high again.
- Nah, this shit's real.
Oh-oh ♪
Oh-oh-oh ♪
Professor Dorfmann?
- Can I have a minute?
- Go ahead.
I think you made a mistake.
Despite my audition
which I think we can both agree
was fantastic
I got cast in a pretty small role.
And I wanted to give you
the opportunity to fix that.
I think the right hard-working lead
might help drive tickets sales.
Of course I'm talking
about me. (CHUCKLES)
My guess is you do that quite a bit.
You are talented.
So, why did I get cast
as Old Woman? (CHUCKLES)
Because you have a beautiful voice,
but there's nothing behind it.
You lack substance.
You're empty, you're a reflection
of other things you think are
good without being good yourself,
and that makes you boring.
So I expect you to quit and tell me
you'll take your talents elsewhere,
which, let's be real, will be nowhere.
So, can we just skip to that part?
I can give your small role
to someone else.
Well, I won't be going anywhere.
I will stay right here,
work my ass off as Old Woman,
so that eventually
you'll see that you did
make a mistake.
And that you don't know me at all.
How you feeling ♪
One in a million ♪
Will back it now,
well, yeah, this is it ♪
I'm the OG of a modest kind of fit ♪
I'll be runnin' the show,
I'm not to fit the script ♪
(CHEERING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Let's go. Go, go, go, go!
Move!
Yeah ♪
(JOYFUL CLAMORING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(CHANTING): Essex! Essex! Essex! Essex!
Yeah, this is it. ♪
("PEACEPLEASURE"
BY POSIE POCKET PLAYING)
Two roads diverged
in a dense green woods ♪
And you chose a difficult one ♪
And it's only just begun ♪
Desperate for ♪
Hello. Are you here for an appointment?
No.
Would you like to speak
to someone today?
Actually, I think I think I'm good.
But thank you.
I always feel a little unwell ♪
Too close for comfort ♪
Bela! Where have you been?
I sent you a picture of that squirrel
that looks like Ellen DeGeneres
and you didn't even ha-ha it.
Something wrong?
No, nothing's wrong.
Just been kind of busy.
Oh. Okay.
Well, I wanted to talk to you
about something.
Yeah, I don't know
if that's a good idea.
- I-I feel like I might
- Uh, I broke up with Emily.
("NEW THING" BY CHELSEA PERKINS PLAYING)
Oh, no.
That's
terrible.