Two and a Half Men s03e04 Episode Script

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - What are you doing? - Masticating.
- What? - Don't worry.
- It doesn't mean what you think.
- What do you think I think? You know.
Okay, I know what I know.
What do you know? I know you're supposed to masticate your food 20 times before you swallow.
Yeah, but what about the other thing? What other thing? The thing you thought I was thinking.
I'm sorry, Dad.
You lost me.
- Morning.
- Oh, morning.
Isn't this your day off? - It is.
But I need to talk to Charlie.
- Well, good luck.
He got home, had a bowl of chili, threw up and went to bed.
He probably threw up because he didn't masticate enough.
Hey, potty-mouth, there's a lady present.
Why don't you tell me what you need then you can go enjoy your day off by spreading sunshine and cheer to others.
It's about the house.
I should wait for Charlie.
I live here too.
What's the problem? I'll wait.
Oh, for God's sakes, pretend I'm Charlie.
Talk to me.
Okay.
Charlie, I thought it over.
If you want me to kill your brother, I'll need the cash up front.
- Very amusing.
- Thanks, I've been taking an improv class.
Okay, here's the deal.
I got five brothers and sisters.
I'm the middle child, which probably explains why I'm such a people pleaser.
Anyhow, my brother Philip, he's the second oldest.
He's in the roadside fireworks business, which is, as you might expect, seasonal.
This creates some economic uncertainty, which has strained his marriage.
Perhaps not as much as him boinking his wife's half-sister.
But it's a snowball effect.
Anyway, to make a long story short.
T oo late.
Fair enough.
Berta one, Zippy one.
Anyway, Philip can't live at his house because technically it's a crime scene.
- Which is why I wanted to ask Charlie - You want your brother to stay here? Oh, don't be stupid.
He's staying at my place trying to wean himself off the meth and the codeine and whatnot.
I wanna stay here for a couple of days.
- That's okay.
I'll ask Charlie.
- No, you don't have to ask Charlie.
You can ask me.
Fine.
Oh, you'd like an answer now.
That'd be swell.
Well, I would have to say after due consideration and taking into account all the factors that are involved that it would be our pleasure to have you.
Super.
Do you mind if I take your room? - My room? Gee, I - Trust me.
You want me to have a room with a private crapper.
Okay.
By all means.
- Take my room.
I'll bunk with Jake.
- Thanks.
What do you mean you'll bunk with Jake? - Is that a problem? - Yes, I need my privacy.
- For what? - You know.
Never again.
Never, ever, ever again.
You gonna quit drinking? Don't be ridiculous.
I'm gonna quit waking up.
What are you doing? Is this your day off? It is, but your brother invited me to be your houseguest for a couple of days.
Did he, now? I was gonna ask you, but Alan said he could speak for both of you.
Did he, now? - You got a problem with that? - Don't be silly.
You're like family.
Yeah, well, I've seen how you treat family.
Hey, you're always welcome here.
You don't even have to ask.
- Morning, Alan.
- Hey, look, who finally Berta? Living here? Are you insane? She needed a place to stay.
What would you have said? I would have explained my sincere belief that there are boundaries between employer and employee which exist specifically to protect said employer from accidentally seeing the employee prancing around in her big cotton granny-panties.
All right.
Go tell her that.
Okay, I was bluffing.
Look, look, it's just for a couple of days.
We can tough it out.
But we wouldn't have to if you hadn't presumed to invite someone to stay without my permission.
Hey, hey, I live here too.
So do termites.
But they don't have guest-inviting privileges either.
- You're equating me with termites? - Hell, no.
You can get rid of termites.
You know, if I thought you meant that, I would be really hurt.
Too subtle? Okay, let me take another tack.
Do you know why I've never accepted money from you to stay here? I assumed you were being compassionate and generous during a difficult period in my life.
It's so you can be here and Jake can be here, but it remains my house.
- Not our house.
- What's the difference? In my house, what you think, what you want, what you say, doesn't mean squat.
It's just jibber-jabber.
So you're saying I have no rights here? I thought that was understood.
I can't believe we're talking about it.
I've been living here two years.
You still consider me a houseguest.
No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll go get some chardonnay and assume the position.
Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.
Pompous jerk.
I don't know how you put up with that.
You heard? We were whispering.
Must be one of them acoustical anomalies.
I just think it's criminal, the way Charlie treats you.
Like some kind of second-class citizen.
Second class? I aspire to second class.
You know the pecking order in this house? Charlie.
Women Charlie sleeps with.
Charlie's bookie.
Women Charlie hopes to sleep with.
Termites.
Me.
Well, that's just not right.
What am I supposed to do? I can't really afford my own place.
I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach.
Unless the beach was Guadalcanal.
It's a shame.
You paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house and you're not allowed inside either one.
Exactly.
I'm a victim here.
Yeah.
You got victim written all over you.
Does my brother sympathize? Do Catholic priests make good babysitters? Listen.
You want rights and privileges, you gotta demand them.
Stand up to Charlie.
Get in his face.
You know what? You're right.
- And starting now.
- Go get him, tiger.
Come here, Charlie.
I wanna Oh, that is so wrong.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You know, Charlie, you've really got a beautiful view here.
You're just noticing that? Well, I spend most of my days looking at dirty toilets and those Rorschach tests you call bed sheets.
It's nice you get a chance to stop and smell the roses.
Oh, don't get me started on the smells around here.
Hey, listen, Berta, you know how I feel about you, right? No, tell me.
Oh, gee, I could never put it into words.
Well then show me.
Relax, I'm just screwing with you.
Good one.
Anyway.
I believe there are certain boundaries between an employer and an employee.
I think it'd be best if you found Oh, I agree with you about the boundaries.
I've been keeping quiet about the things your brother says behind your back.
- What does he say? - I don't wanna cause problems.
No, no, no, come on, tell me.
Let's just say that he doesn't always appreciate everything you do for him.
You know what the problem is? - I'm a soft touch.
- You do have a big heart.
And there are always people out there who will take advantage of that.
- You wouldn't think it'd be your brother.
- Yeah, that's the saddest part.
But what can I do about it? Respect's not freely given in this life, Charlie.
You gotta demand it.
- It's time for me to stand up for myself.
- Good for you.
And while you're up would you get me one of those Japanese beers in the refrigerator? - Oh, sure.
Be right back.
- Thanks.
I'm a bad pussycat.
Did you know your body doesn't digest corn? It goes out the same way it comes in.
It's like a little bookmark in your poop.
Did they teach you that at school? Nope.
It's the powers of observation.
Jake, that's not dinner conversation.
You're right.
It's dinner corn-versation.
See what happens when you don't hit your kids? - Hey, something smells good.
- Meatloaf.
- Great, I love meatloaf.
- Well, you should make some.
I'll give you the recipe.
You didn't make enough for me? I'm not your chef.
Is that so? How did you cook the meatloaf? In the oven.
My oven.
- What's your point? - My point? Oh, don't put me in the middle.
I love you both.
My point is, I'm hungry and I want meatloaf.
Yeah, well, I'm Alan and I want respect.
I think I got a better chance at getting meatloaf.
I'm starting to feel like maybe Jake and I have overstayed our welcome.
Not at all.
Jake's still welcome.
You're the one with the attitude.
My attitude? I thought my attitude didn't count for anything.
That it was just jabberwocky.
Jibber-jabber, you moron.
Okay, okay, that settles it.
I think it's time we moved.
- We? - Yeah, we.
But I'm still welcome.
- You'll go where I go.
- Can we get a place on the beach? Sure, if you don't mind living under a lifeguard stand.
We managed to get by without your help before we came here, we'll do it again.
Why do you keep saying "we"? Your problem is you don't appreciate the things I do for you.
I'm tired of being treated as a second-class citizen.
Fine.
You wanna leave, leave.
Maybe I will.
- Way to stand up for yourself.
- Thank you.
So are we really out of meatloaf or were you just saying that to piss him off? Oh, this looks interesting.
"Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood.
" What does that mean, up-and-coming neighborhood? The realtor didn't think he could move the house saying drug-ravaged battlefield.
- Okay, we'll keep looking.
- Alan, I don't mean to pry.
But after alimony and child support exactly how much can you afford to spend? Really? - Y es, really.
- Sweetie, my shoes cost more than this.
Well, Mom, you have a lot of shoes.
The ones I'm wearing.
Based on this amount, you don't need a realtor.
You need someone who sells camping equipment.
Yeah, well, that's what I'll do.
All right.
But may I propose a simple alternative? I'm not living with you, Mom.
Okay.
- Then I have a final alternative.
- And what would that be? Run straight to your brother's ass and kiss it repeatedly.
Forget it.
I can't stay here anymore.
Hey, Red.
You wanna top this off for me? Certainly.
May I get you a short stack and some pork links while I'm at it? No, I'm full.
But as long as we're discussing dining choices, why don't you bite me? Oh, goodie.
More loved ones.
- Good morning, Charlie.
- Let me guess.
Alan invited you to move in.
No.
She's helping me move out.
This is a sad day.
- We're gonna miss you around here, Alan.
- Thank you.
Sad, sad, sad.
Don't you have anything to say, Charlie? Yeah.
Okay, well, enough of sentiment.
We should really get going.
Apartments in your price range are a long drive from Malibu.
- I know, Mom.
- A long, long drive.
Got it.
Maybe you should go pee-pee before Okay.
You mind looking after Jake? If it'll help get you out of here, I'll breast-feed him.
You know, with Zippy out of here you're gonna have that nice guest room just go to waste.
- Yeah.
- So I was thinking.
How about if I become a live-in? A live-in what? Housekeeper.
Easier for you, easier for me.
Everybody wins.
Gee Hold that thought.
My coffee just kicked in.
You wanna go down to the arcade and play air hockey? No.
- Wanna go to a movie? - No.
Come on, I'll take you to something R- rated.
See some boobs.
Just leave me alone.
- Are you mad at me? - What was your first clue? Well, frankly, your dismissive attitude toward boobs.
Why are you making us move? You're not moving.
Well, then why is Dad looking for another place for us to live? Because he's trying to teach me a lesson.
Why don't you tell him to stop? Because I'm trying to teach him a lesson.
What's your lesson? That it's my house.
What's his lesson? That he lives here too.
Okay, I'm just a kid, but that sounds stupid even to me.
Well, be that as it may, I give you my word I'm not gonna let you go anywhere.
- Promise? - Promise.
Is the boob offer still open? Come on.
- How do you pronounce her last name? - Hayek.
Salma Hayek.
Her name's as pretty as her boobs.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's all this? Found a place.
Fully furnished, ready to move in.
Jake, I packed most of your stuff.
You may wanna check if I missed anything.
- Uncle Charlie? - Listen to your father.
- But you said - I said, listen to your father.
I'm just a pawn.
- So where is this place? - In the Valley.
A lovely Spanish-style complex called Valley Hacienda.
- Good for you.
- Two-bedroom.
Pool, Jacuzzi, rec room.
- Sounds great.
- It is.
And we're going.
I can see that.
Well, it's for the best.
I'll finally have a place that's really mine and you can go back to living the selfish, unexamined life you obviously cherish.
Looking forward to it.
Okay, I guess I'm ready to go.
Well, then, I guess we should go.
Need some help? No, we can handle it.
All right.
Valley Hacienda, here we come.
Jake, say goodbye to your Uncle Charlie.
- Bye, Uncle Charlie.
- Bye, kid.
Jake, go get in the car.
Listen to your father.
I don't think anybody's learning anything here.
Well, thanks for your hospitality.
I'm sorry we overstayed our welcome.
- Alan.
- I don't wanna go.
Please don't make me go.
I love it here.
I love it so much.
- I thought you found a nice place.
- I was bluffing.
It sucked, they all sucked.
Do you want me to kiss your ass? Because I will.
Come on, turn around.
- Come on.
- Alan, cut it out.
I mean it.
You're the boss.
I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport.
Alan, Alan, calm down.
Calm down.
If you wanna stay, you can stay.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Charlie, you have no idea how bad it was.
I couldn't bring a woman to one of these places.
The only way I'd ever have sex was if I was molested by a rat.
Pull yourself together.
Now, go grab Jake and we'll have dinner.
Okay.
Okay.
- And thanks again.
- You're welcome.
- Hey, hey, Charlie? - What? Just before I went down on my knees were you about to say something? I don't think so.
Before I started weeping you were gonna tell me to stay.
No, I wasn't.
Okay, you're not fooling anybody.
You'd miss me if I was gone.
Despite everything you've said, we're brothers.
And we have a bond that's deeper and more meaningful than any He folded, didn't he? My ass is covered with lip prints.
Damn.
Well, anyway.
I guess you wanna head home and see how Philip's doing.
Who? Philip.
Your brother.
Detoxing.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Philip.
My brother.
This isn't so bad.
Seems reasonably safe.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure the Valley Hacienda crack dealers have organized some sort of neighborhood watch.
We could make this work.
I think it's got a lot going for it.
I'm not a big fan of the orange carpet.
But part of the fun of a new place is fixing it up, making it your own.
Slap on a coat of paint and of course, a little bleach to take those blood stains in the tub.
Or you could run home and kiss your brother's ass repeatedly.
Couldn't you just say, "I told you so"? SDl Media Group