Two Doors Down (2016) s03e04 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 4
1 This programme contains strong language - DOORBELL RINGS - Beth, that's Ian and Gordon! - Hello, Eric.
- Christine.
Ooh, hi, Christine.
Beth, this came to me by mistake.
- Private and confidential.
- Ooh.
Terrible rate you're getting in these ISAs nowadays, isn't it? Well, that's very kind of you, Christine, but we're - Off out, are we? - Just for a bite to eat.
Aw, that's nice.
What's the occasion? - Nothing.
- Beth's birthday.
Well, it was her birthday during the week, so Ian and Gordon offered to take us to dinner.
Oh, that's lovely.
That is nice, eh? Oh, happy birthday, Beth.
Sorry I missed it.
What day was it? - It was Tuesday.
- Oh, Tuesday.
No, I was away in town handing in my sample that day.
- CAR HORN HONKS - Well, that's them now, so - Where is it you're going? - Oh, it's nothing fancy.
- It's just like a pub that does food.
- Oh, I like a pub that does food.
- Yeah, very informal.
- That's the best way, Beth.
Very flexible, too.
- Sorry? - Well, not like a restaurant where, say, you booked for four and then five of you turn up.
Then there's a problem! No, these places are much more accommodating, aren't they? CAR HORN HONKS Would you like to? I'll just get my coat.
Thanks, Eric.
SYNC by DakinPEx SUBSCENE - ON RADIO: - # Lead me Out on the moonlit floor Ah, this is a real treat for me, Gordon, being driven in for my dinner.
I must thank you for organising it.
Well, it's for Mrs Baird, really, isn't it? This a regular haunt of yours, then, is it? Erm, we've been twice.
No, er, three times.
No, no .
.
twice.
Last time, it were two courses for £7.
95! - Oh, that's good, isn't it, Beth? - Ooh, yeah.
- Mm.
A lot cheaper than buying a present.
You didn't really need to bother, though, Gordon.
I could have just as easily cooked us something at home.
No, not on your birthday! Well, her birthday was Tuesday, Gordon, so she's right - she could have cooked.
And she'd have done us three courses and it wouldnae have cost you a fucking penny.
- HE WHISPERS: - Dad? - Mm-hm.
You haven't got Mum a cake, have you? - Cake? No.
- Right.
We could stop at the garage and get a swiss roll.
- No, no, I was just checking.
- Or there's Costa's.
We can go in there and get her one of those big Jaffa Cakes.
No, no, it's fine, it's fine.
Forget it.
- Have you booked a table? - No, you just sit where you like.
- You order at the bar, don't you? - What's he saying? It's not waitress service.
What do you mean it's not waitress service? Well, you sit down, the tables have got a number, you take that number up to the bar and order your food.
Christ, have I to put my hair in a net and go into the kitchen - and cook it for them, as well? - Where do yous want to sit? It's your birthday, Mrs Baird.
You decide.
What about there? - No.
- Eh? - I'm not sitting at the back.
- Why? - I want to see what folk have got on their plates.
Oh, for God's sake! - Well, what about that one there? - Ah, that's fine.
- No.
- Eh? Next to the fruit machine, Beth? - So? - You're no' wanting that, Beth.
Men standing next to you rummaging aboot in their pockets for change.
- Mum, you decide.
It's your birthday.
- Well, not today itself, it's not.
Well, we're out for your birthday.
Where do you want to sit? Look, I really don't mind.
Right, that's good.
Come on, we'll sit over here.
This'll do us fine.
Oh, thank you.
Oh-ho! Big menu, eh? It's absolutely terrific, Mr Baird.
I don't know where to start.
- Erm, which ones are on the deal? - Oh, just them three there.
- Ah.
- Would you like me to hang that up for you, Mrs Baird? - Oh, thank you.
- Pleasure.
- Empty the pockets, Beth.
There might be junkies in.
Do you know, I think this is the place that Pat came to.
- Right.
- She had the gammon steak.
- Oh, did she? - Great big slab of a thing.
- Lovely.
- Two fried eggs on the top, but still you had the fat peeking out the side.
- What are you fancying? - I might just get the nachos or something.
Oh, what are you having, Gordon? What's he having? He's thinking about nachos.
- Oh, lovely, Gordon.
- Oh, I've seen them.
It's like somebody's ripped up a cardboard box and grated some cheese on it.
- I quite fancy a burger.
- Are you having a starter? Nah, I might have a pudding instead.
- Can you do that? - Well, I presume so.
It just says, "Two courses - £7.
95.
" Some of the starters are practically the same size as main courses! Can you do that, Beth? Any two courses? I don't know.
It'll say somewhere on the menu.
- Whereabouts on the menu? - I don't know! Oh, wait till I get my specs on.
Aw, isn't this lovely? Are you going to have a starter? Well, I quite fancy the breaded mushrooms.
- Instead of a pudding? - Well, maybe as well as.
- So, you're having three courses? - Oh, can you do that? Give me a fucking chance, will you? Oh, here it is here.
There it is.
See? "Any two courses on the meal deal menu - £7.
95.
" Where's the meal deal section? What does it say about three courses, though? - Oh, don't confuse me.
- I think, if you're looking for three courses, - you're on to the main menu.
- Ah.
Do you really think you need three courses, Eric? Oh, here it is.
Here it is.
There we are.
"Any three courses, £9.
50.
" Oh, I apologise, Mr Baird.
There you go.
Well, I'm just going to have a main and a pudding.
Well, if nobody else is having a starter, I won't either.
- Oh-ho-ho, Beth - they've got sticky toffee! - Mm.
Do you want me to phone Pat and see what size it is? - OK, are we ready to order, then? - I think so, yeah.
- I am.
- Oh, yes, indeedy.
- Right, tell me what you want and I'll go up to the bar and get it.
- I'll have the nachos.
No, the veggie burger.
No, the nachos.
No, wait - Mum, what do you want? - I'll just have the fish, son.
Battered haddock for me, Ian.
- Me, too.
I'll have the fish, please.
- Aw, look.
Two twins, eh? Me and you - both haddocks.
The haddock girls.
- I'll go for that, as well.
- Trust you.
OK, OK, OK, I'm going to have the sweetcorn fritters with mango salsa.
- Where's that?! - Down there.
- Ah.
Oh, that sounds fucking horrible, son.
Eh, you stay where you are.
I'll get this.
- No, no, this is our treat.
- Don't be daft.
No, we wanted to get it.
It was supposed to be our treat.
Away.
Right, well, that's that sorted, thank goodness.
Oh, er, sorry, just one last thing - what does everybody want to drink? - Oh.
- SHE SIGHS - Two seconds, honey.
- Ah, right.
Colin! Oh, look who it is, eh? - How are you doing? - Hey! - Oh, bring it in.
- Bring it on in, Eric.
- Oh! HE CHUCKLES This is my neighbour.
- This is my neighbour.
- What you up to? - I'm just having a drink.
- Ah, right.
Where's Cathy? Cathy's no' here.
She's away.
- Where to? - A spa.
- Oh, right.
- Aye, she got a Groupon for a night in one of they health farm places in Perthshire.
Oh, that sounds lovely.
Aye, she'll enjoy that.
Aye, she will.
She got a room on the ground floor so she can climb out the window for a smoke.
This is my neighbour.
What you doing here, anyway? Oh, it's Beth's birthday.
We're in having a meal.
- Away! - Aye.
Well, it was during the week, actually.
What, you were in during the week, as well? No, no, no, it was her birthday during the week.
Ah.
So, how come you're in today? - Right, what are we having? - Can I order some food? - Course you can.
- Colin, do you want? Hello there! - Oh, hi, Colin.
- Oh, Christine! Didnae recognise you there without your broomstick and the flying monkeys.
And there's Ian with hiswith his pal there.
Hello there.
It's good to see you in a mainstream venue.
So, what's the special occasion? Mrs Baird's birthday.
Was.
It was her birthday on Tuesday.
Oh, it's your birthday, Beth? - I'm sorry.
I didnae know.
- That's fine.
Oh, here, I'll give you a wee squeeze, eh? - No, no, honestly.
- Aw, come on.
Up you get.
Let's get you hugged, eh? Oops! Sorry, no offence.
It's no' what it seems.
You're all right.
Just because Cathy's away doesn't mean I'm firing into Beth.
Couldnae anyway, no' unless I was really pished.
- Where is Cathy? - She's away at the spa.
- Oh.
- Ah, lovely.
- Aye, I was just telling Eric, she got one of they vouchers for this big, fancy place up in Perth.
You want to see it.
I mean, it's got steam rooms, Jacuzzis.
You know, and a big room filled with oxygen, so it can clean out your blood.
Oh, that sounds amazing.
So a proper detox.
Aye, well, you know, she's been drinking every night, so, you know, she gets the benefit of it, you know.
So, you're left on your own, then, are you? Aye, but, you know, I don't mind it, though, Ian.
You know, give me a bit of time to myself.
You know, do a few bits and bobs, catch up with a few of my pals.
- So, what you been up to, then? - Just been sitting in here.
- Sorry to interrupt yous.
- Whoa! - Did yous order three fish? - Yes, we did, and I hope your chef has got his oil up to temperature because I am not in the mood for soggy batter, hen.
Nah, nah, what it is is we've only got two left.
- You what?! - We've only got two fish left.
Have you still got the corn fritters, though? - Oh, aye, plenty of them.
- Well, it is your birthday, Beth, - so you've got to have one.
- Hear, hear! And I'm fucking sure I'm having the other one.
Right.
Well, let's see the menu over again? Hang on, hang on.
How big are they, the fish? They're quite big, aye.
A lot of folk don't finish them.
My friend struggled with one of your gammon steaks.
- Right.
- She eventually took it home in her handbag.
Why don't we take the two and I'll just split them up - and share them about? - What? - Oh, that's a brilliant idea.
Let's just do that.
Bring us an extra plate and I'll sort it out.
- What, you just want a plate on its own? - Yes.
Is that all right? Well, aye, I suppose.
Wait a minute.
If he's having some of ours and a pudding, - what does he get charged for that? - What pudding are you having? - I'm not sure yet.
- Oh, they've got sticky toffee, Eric.
- What size is your sticky toffee? - Christine! He's already paid for a fish and a pudding.
- So? - So, he's not getting what he paid for.
Aye, but he's getting a plate.
She'll get a fucking punch in the jaw.
Let's do that, then.
Just get us an extra plate, thanks.
- Anyway, happy birthday! - Exactly.
Happy birthday! She better no' be away in there spitting in our meals, Beth.
- Let's do a toast.
- No, no! - Ah, come on, come on.
Oh, wait, I've no' got a drink.
Where's my drink? He is absolutely hammered.
They shouldnae still be serving him.
See, that's what happens, though.
Folk just make a pig of themselves as soon as there's cheap drink.
Oh, you're quite right, Christine.
That's a good, big glass for £1.
50, isn't it? Listen, he's all right.
He's no' doing any harm.
Happy birthday to you Shh! Shh! Happy birthday - Colin! - All right, all right.
- We'll sing Happy Birthday later, OK? - OK, OK, fair enough.
I'll just I'll just maybe have a wee trip to the wee boys' room, eh? Here, Christine, you're not going to be the only one about to enjoy a single fish.
HE LAUGHS That is a disgraceful state to get yourself into.
Well, no wonder, if he's been sitting in here since lunchtime.
Bad things can happen when you get into that sort of state.
Last time I drank during the day, I ended up ordering garden furniture online.
Eric, erm, do you not think you should go in there and see if he wants you to put him into a taxi? - Och, away! - Go on, Eric.
- He's not THAT bad.
- He's fucking blootered, Eric.
- Go on.
- Och! You know the worst thing, Beth? He has invited himself into your company without an ounce of shame.
Unbelievable.
DOOR OPENS Hey! - You all right, Colin? - Aye, there's just a lot to come out.
Aye.
Are you no' thinking about maybe getting up the road, eh? Oh, Eric, Eric.
Eric, Eric.
How often do we get the chance to get a drink, just the two of us? Aye, but it's Beth's birthday, so Aye, all right.
Get her a pint, as well.
Eric, Eric - You're a real pal, Eric.
- Right.
- I'm going to text Cath.
- Now, Colin? I'm going to text Cath and tell her that I'm in the loo having a pish with my old pal Eric! No, no, no.
Just let her enjoy her time at the spa, eh? Look, come on.
We'll go downstairs and I'll get you a taxi, eh? All right, all right.
Here .
.
am I being a wee bit too much, am I? - No, no.
- Cos you can tell me if I am.
Am I, Eric? Am I being a bit OTT? A wee bit.
Right, OK.
That's fine.
Fair enough.
Let's go.
Let's go right now.
Hey! This is my neighbour! Neighbour There we go.
Oh, and, Mum, we've also got you a wee something.
- Ooh, what is it? - Aw, that's nice.
A wee surprise for you, Beth.
- Saved yourself the price of a stamp there, boys, eh? - Aw.
- What does it say? - "To the best mum in the world.
" - It was the only one they had left, so - Cheeky wee shite.
Oh, what's this? Oh, that's a wee voucher for you for that place you get your hair done.
They've got a wee beauty therapy bit now.
- Oh, thank you.
- It looks lovely.
Our friend Morven had reflexology there.
- She had what? - Reflexology.
You get it on your feet.
Oh, is that with the wee fishes? - What? - Aye, you know - the wee fishes in the tank that you put your feet into and they nibble all the dead skin off your toes.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, I had that.
Aye.
The guy said that they were full up for a fortnight after it.
Hey! - Ah.
- Christ, here's wee Tufty back.
- Colin.
- Beth, Beth, a little birdie told me it was your birthday.
- Colin! - Happy birthday, missus.
Come here till I wish you a happy birthday.
You've already given her a kiss.
He's already given her a kiss, Gordon.
Come on, Beth.
I washed my hands.
- Colin, I'll ask Ian to phone you a taxi, OK? - Eh? I think Cathy would prefer it if you went up the road.
- Aye.
- No, she's at a spa.
- Cathy's at a spa, Gordon.
- Ignore him, Gordon.
Ian, just call.
Gordon, Gordon, you'll like this.
You know, there was a guy in there earlier having a slash with his trousers round his ankles.
You saw the lot.
- Right, I've got a haddock.
- Whoo! There she is, - with the fishes and the dishes.
Whoo! Whoo! - Haddock! Here! Oh, look at that! Fucking yes, Beth! - Another haddock? - Erm It's her birthday.
Well, was.
- HE SLURS: - Ian, youyou all right? You all right, aye? Yous having anything? - Sweetcorn fritters.
- They're just bringing them.
Right, OK.
Right, apologies.
Nae bother.
- Just start.
- I'm waiting on my tartare sauce.
Where are the sauces, Beth? We'll ask the waitress when she comes back.
- Right, I've got a burger.
- That's mine.
- Excuse me? - And sweetcorn fritters.
- That's me.
- Excuse me? - Two seconds.
Whose is the extra plate, again? That's me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there's nothing on that! - That's what he asked for.
- Excuse me? I mean, I know he's on a diet, but come on! It's all right, Colin.
It's all right.
We're sharing.
They're sharing their fish with him.
- Excuse me? - Oh, right.
I thought he got an empty plate! Beth, I thought I thought he'd been given an empty plate.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, darling.
Just give us a hug, eh? - No, no, no.
- Colin, no! - Excuse me! - Yes? - Do you have any tartare sauce? - Yep.
Anything else? - Erm, tomato sauce, please.
- OK.
Anything else? - Vinegar, please.
- Anything else? - Is it sachets? - Aye.
Aw, well, fuck it, just bring us two of everything, then.
Right, give us your plate over, Eric.
Here, Eric, you can have some of these chips.
Some of these massive ones are quite hard in the middle, - so you can have them.
- Here you go.
Oh, you should have given him the wee curly bit at the end, Beth.
There's bugger all fish in that, Gordon.
It's just pure batter.
- That all right for you? - Mm, looks good.
Yours? - Oh, yeah, it looks nice.
- Let's have a wee look, Gordon.
Let's see what you got.
Aw, see, that's the thing about being vegetarian - you always end up with the shitest thing on the menu, don't you? Oh, here's my friend again.
Here, see when you See when you brought that plate over, I thought that was supposed to be his meal and you forgot to put food on it.
Oh, right, there we are.
Oh, that's it.
Right.
- Oh, bastard! Have you got yours, Ian? - No.
Fucking nuisance, these things, aren't they? Oh, there we are! That's it now.
That's it.
That's it.
Mm.
Do you know, I remember the days when this would have been a luxury - going out for a meal.
Special occasions only.
- Well, it's Beth's birthday.
- Ah, well, was.
See when I was your age, we never went out for something to eat.
No, we always got fed in the house.
- Aye, and once in a blue moon, you'd get a chippy.
- Aye.
Oh, and you had the same every week, eh? You had mince on a Monday, and your cottage pie on a Tuesday to use up the mince from the Monday.
SHE CHUCKLES Stewing steak on a Wednesday, pork chop on a Thursday and then your fish, done in a crumb, fried with an egg, on a Friday.
Oh, nothing wrong with that, eh? Good Scottish diet.
My mother made that every week till she had those heart attacks.
I remember my mother used to cook lamb every Sunday.
- I loved it.
- Ooh, lamb.
Do you know that lamb comes from an actual lamb, Gordon? We always had chicken on a Sunday and then, on the Monday, we'd have soup.
Oh, yes, that's your proper way to make stock, you know - boil up the carcass of the bird.
- Christine, Gordon's vegetarian.
- Oh.
Oh, sorry, son.
Sorry.
I meant skeleton.
I tell you, I'm glad that I ran into you today.
I really am.
It's actually made my day.
- Aw.
- No, it has.
I'm actually feeling quite emotional about it - just thinking about it, you know? - Aw, that's nice.
Any word on that taxi, Ian? I mean, you're my neighbours, you know, but see just sitting here, you know, watching you eating your chips, it's made me realise that you're .
.
you're actually my friends, as well.
- Aw! - Phone it again, son.
- # Happy birthday to you # - Oh, for God - Shh! - Colin! Shh! Shh! Shh! - # Happy birthday to # What is it? What is it? It's Beth's birthday! I just want to wish her a happy birthday, right? Yeah, not just now.
We'll do it later, eh? I'm sending Cathy a text.
- Have you got enough? - Aye, I'm fine.
- Have a few more.
- Did you guys order a taxi? - ALL: - Yes! - Colin, that's your taxi.
- Mm? - Colin.
- What? - That's your taxi.
Oh, right.
Come on, I'll see you in to it.
I need to get something out the car, anyway.
- PHONE BEEPS - Wait.
She's text me back.
Let's see.
What's that, Gordon? I cannae see what that is.
Is that a picture of a flag? - What is it? - She's sent me a flag.
He asked her what treatment she'd had done at the spa and she's just sent him a picture of a Brazil flag.
Oh, right.
Come on, Colin.
Let's go.
OK, OK.
- Bye, Colin.
- Bye, Beth.
Beth, Beth Happy birthday, Beth.
- Thank you.
- I'm very sorry I didn't get you anything.
- Och, don't worry.
- Beth, Beth - Colin, come on! - All right, all right.
Christine - Right, let's go.
- Come on.
HE EXHALES Two minutes, my friend.
OK, well, that's us, then.
- Here, give us a hug, Gordon.
- Aw, you're all right.
Just hope people don't think we're a couple.
- No.
- I mean, you look it, but I don't.
- Nae offence.
- That's fine.
- Do you think you can tell? - Tell what? If someone's, you know - What is it you're meant to say? - Gay? - Aye, or bent or whatever.
- Well, I can.
You see, I can't.
You know, well, I can sometimes tell lesbians, but see guys? You know, it could be anybody.
Do you know, there was a guy once who gave me the eye in Starbucks, Gordon? - Really? - Mm-hm.
He was He was standing next to the marshmallows and he just looked at me.
No.
Looked at you how? It was like this.
You know, it was like - What is going on? - Erm, Colin's just telling me about the guy who were coming on to him in Starbucks.
- Oh, right.
- He looked at me like this, Ian.
Right, well, erm, we should just go in.
- What's that? - Erm, it's a cake for my mum.
Away! Oh, come on, I cannae miss that.
Two minutes, my friend! Two minutes! Do yous want the menus back to look at the desserts? - Oh, I'm not really that - I'm wanting a sticky toffee pudding with one of your lattes in a big glass with two bits of tablet on the side, hen.
I'll just leave these here.
- Hey-hey! - Oh.
- Aw, you're fucking joking! - I thought you were - I couldn't leave without singing Happy Birthday! - Oh, no.
- Aw, look at that! Hey, you kept that quiet, eh? Aw, that's nice.
A birthday cake, eh? Oh, and look - Tesco's Finest.
You've certainly been getting the five-star treatment today, Beth.
You know, I feel bad I havnae got you anything, honestly.
- Don't worry, we got her something.
- Did you? I'm a last-minute invitation, so I havnae had a chance.
Oh, the boys got me a voucher for a treatment.
PHONE BEEPS Oh, it's Cathy.
Aw, she's sent me a photo.
Why don't we get this out of the box and sing Happy Birthday so Colin can get on his way? Aw, that's nice, Beth.
You've certainly got a lot to choose from there, you know.
- Oh, thanks, boys.
- Pleasure.
You could always get one of these done, Beth.
- What's that? - Look at that.
- Is that? - It's Cathy's, aye.
- What is it? Aw, for God's sake! Sorry, Eric.
I can't show you.
- Fair enough.
- It's private.
It's Cathy's chuff.
OK, are we ready? Shall we do this? ALL: # Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you At last! # Happy birthday dear - # Mrs Baird - Beth Happy birthday to you.
- Come on, everybody! Hip hip! - ALL: Hooray! - Hip hip! - Hooray! - Hip hip! - Hooray! Jeez! SHE SNIGGERS Are yous all right? Is he all right? - Aye, aye, he's fine.
- He's all right.
- Sorry.
Aw, what a shame.
Is that your birthday cake, as well? Don't worry.
- Whose birthday is it? - Mine.
- Aw.
Well, was.
# Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Get your finger out of it # It don't belong to you # Get your finger out of it # It don't belong to you I wouldn't give you a piece even if it's your birthday, too.
- Christine.
Ooh, hi, Christine.
Beth, this came to me by mistake.
- Private and confidential.
- Ooh.
Terrible rate you're getting in these ISAs nowadays, isn't it? Well, that's very kind of you, Christine, but we're - Off out, are we? - Just for a bite to eat.
Aw, that's nice.
What's the occasion? - Nothing.
- Beth's birthday.
Well, it was her birthday during the week, so Ian and Gordon offered to take us to dinner.
Oh, that's lovely.
That is nice, eh? Oh, happy birthday, Beth.
Sorry I missed it.
What day was it? - It was Tuesday.
- Oh, Tuesday.
No, I was away in town handing in my sample that day.
- CAR HORN HONKS - Well, that's them now, so - Where is it you're going? - Oh, it's nothing fancy.
- It's just like a pub that does food.
- Oh, I like a pub that does food.
- Yeah, very informal.
- That's the best way, Beth.
Very flexible, too.
- Sorry? - Well, not like a restaurant where, say, you booked for four and then five of you turn up.
Then there's a problem! No, these places are much more accommodating, aren't they? CAR HORN HONKS Would you like to? I'll just get my coat.
Thanks, Eric.
SYNC by DakinPEx SUBSCENE - ON RADIO: - # Lead me Out on the moonlit floor Ah, this is a real treat for me, Gordon, being driven in for my dinner.
I must thank you for organising it.
Well, it's for Mrs Baird, really, isn't it? This a regular haunt of yours, then, is it? Erm, we've been twice.
No, er, three times.
No, no .
.
twice.
Last time, it were two courses for £7.
95! - Oh, that's good, isn't it, Beth? - Ooh, yeah.
- Mm.
A lot cheaper than buying a present.
You didn't really need to bother, though, Gordon.
I could have just as easily cooked us something at home.
No, not on your birthday! Well, her birthday was Tuesday, Gordon, so she's right - she could have cooked.
And she'd have done us three courses and it wouldnae have cost you a fucking penny.
- HE WHISPERS: - Dad? - Mm-hm.
You haven't got Mum a cake, have you? - Cake? No.
- Right.
We could stop at the garage and get a swiss roll.
- No, no, I was just checking.
- Or there's Costa's.
We can go in there and get her one of those big Jaffa Cakes.
No, no, it's fine, it's fine.
Forget it.
- Have you booked a table? - No, you just sit where you like.
- You order at the bar, don't you? - What's he saying? It's not waitress service.
What do you mean it's not waitress service? Well, you sit down, the tables have got a number, you take that number up to the bar and order your food.
Christ, have I to put my hair in a net and go into the kitchen - and cook it for them, as well? - Where do yous want to sit? It's your birthday, Mrs Baird.
You decide.
What about there? - No.
- Eh? - I'm not sitting at the back.
- Why? - I want to see what folk have got on their plates.
Oh, for God's sake! - Well, what about that one there? - Ah, that's fine.
- No.
- Eh? Next to the fruit machine, Beth? - So? - You're no' wanting that, Beth.
Men standing next to you rummaging aboot in their pockets for change.
- Mum, you decide.
It's your birthday.
- Well, not today itself, it's not.
Well, we're out for your birthday.
Where do you want to sit? Look, I really don't mind.
Right, that's good.
Come on, we'll sit over here.
This'll do us fine.
Oh, thank you.
Oh-ho! Big menu, eh? It's absolutely terrific, Mr Baird.
I don't know where to start.
- Erm, which ones are on the deal? - Oh, just them three there.
- Ah.
- Would you like me to hang that up for you, Mrs Baird? - Oh, thank you.
- Pleasure.
- Empty the pockets, Beth.
There might be junkies in.
Do you know, I think this is the place that Pat came to.
- Right.
- She had the gammon steak.
- Oh, did she? - Great big slab of a thing.
- Lovely.
- Two fried eggs on the top, but still you had the fat peeking out the side.
- What are you fancying? - I might just get the nachos or something.
Oh, what are you having, Gordon? What's he having? He's thinking about nachos.
- Oh, lovely, Gordon.
- Oh, I've seen them.
It's like somebody's ripped up a cardboard box and grated some cheese on it.
- I quite fancy a burger.
- Are you having a starter? Nah, I might have a pudding instead.
- Can you do that? - Well, I presume so.
It just says, "Two courses - £7.
95.
" Some of the starters are practically the same size as main courses! Can you do that, Beth? Any two courses? I don't know.
It'll say somewhere on the menu.
- Whereabouts on the menu? - I don't know! Oh, wait till I get my specs on.
Aw, isn't this lovely? Are you going to have a starter? Well, I quite fancy the breaded mushrooms.
- Instead of a pudding? - Well, maybe as well as.
- So, you're having three courses? - Oh, can you do that? Give me a fucking chance, will you? Oh, here it is here.
There it is.
See? "Any two courses on the meal deal menu - £7.
95.
" Where's the meal deal section? What does it say about three courses, though? - Oh, don't confuse me.
- I think, if you're looking for three courses, - you're on to the main menu.
- Ah.
Do you really think you need three courses, Eric? Oh, here it is.
Here it is.
There we are.
"Any three courses, £9.
50.
" Oh, I apologise, Mr Baird.
There you go.
Well, I'm just going to have a main and a pudding.
Well, if nobody else is having a starter, I won't either.
- Oh-ho-ho, Beth - they've got sticky toffee! - Mm.
Do you want me to phone Pat and see what size it is? - OK, are we ready to order, then? - I think so, yeah.
- I am.
- Oh, yes, indeedy.
- Right, tell me what you want and I'll go up to the bar and get it.
- I'll have the nachos.
No, the veggie burger.
No, the nachos.
No, wait - Mum, what do you want? - I'll just have the fish, son.
Battered haddock for me, Ian.
- Me, too.
I'll have the fish, please.
- Aw, look.
Two twins, eh? Me and you - both haddocks.
The haddock girls.
- I'll go for that, as well.
- Trust you.
OK, OK, OK, I'm going to have the sweetcorn fritters with mango salsa.
- Where's that?! - Down there.
- Ah.
Oh, that sounds fucking horrible, son.
Eh, you stay where you are.
I'll get this.
- No, no, this is our treat.
- Don't be daft.
No, we wanted to get it.
It was supposed to be our treat.
Away.
Right, well, that's that sorted, thank goodness.
Oh, er, sorry, just one last thing - what does everybody want to drink? - Oh.
- SHE SIGHS - Two seconds, honey.
- Ah, right.
Colin! Oh, look who it is, eh? - How are you doing? - Hey! - Oh, bring it in.
- Bring it on in, Eric.
- Oh! HE CHUCKLES This is my neighbour.
- This is my neighbour.
- What you up to? - I'm just having a drink.
- Ah, right.
Where's Cathy? Cathy's no' here.
She's away.
- Where to? - A spa.
- Oh, right.
- Aye, she got a Groupon for a night in one of they health farm places in Perthshire.
Oh, that sounds lovely.
Aye, she'll enjoy that.
Aye, she will.
She got a room on the ground floor so she can climb out the window for a smoke.
This is my neighbour.
What you doing here, anyway? Oh, it's Beth's birthday.
We're in having a meal.
- Away! - Aye.
Well, it was during the week, actually.
What, you were in during the week, as well? No, no, no, it was her birthday during the week.
Ah.
So, how come you're in today? - Right, what are we having? - Can I order some food? - Course you can.
- Colin, do you want? Hello there! - Oh, hi, Colin.
- Oh, Christine! Didnae recognise you there without your broomstick and the flying monkeys.
And there's Ian with hiswith his pal there.
Hello there.
It's good to see you in a mainstream venue.
So, what's the special occasion? Mrs Baird's birthday.
Was.
It was her birthday on Tuesday.
Oh, it's your birthday, Beth? - I'm sorry.
I didnae know.
- That's fine.
Oh, here, I'll give you a wee squeeze, eh? - No, no, honestly.
- Aw, come on.
Up you get.
Let's get you hugged, eh? Oops! Sorry, no offence.
It's no' what it seems.
You're all right.
Just because Cathy's away doesn't mean I'm firing into Beth.
Couldnae anyway, no' unless I was really pished.
- Where is Cathy? - She's away at the spa.
- Oh.
- Ah, lovely.
- Aye, I was just telling Eric, she got one of they vouchers for this big, fancy place up in Perth.
You want to see it.
I mean, it's got steam rooms, Jacuzzis.
You know, and a big room filled with oxygen, so it can clean out your blood.
Oh, that sounds amazing.
So a proper detox.
Aye, well, you know, she's been drinking every night, so, you know, she gets the benefit of it, you know.
So, you're left on your own, then, are you? Aye, but, you know, I don't mind it, though, Ian.
You know, give me a bit of time to myself.
You know, do a few bits and bobs, catch up with a few of my pals.
- So, what you been up to, then? - Just been sitting in here.
- Sorry to interrupt yous.
- Whoa! - Did yous order three fish? - Yes, we did, and I hope your chef has got his oil up to temperature because I am not in the mood for soggy batter, hen.
Nah, nah, what it is is we've only got two left.
- You what?! - We've only got two fish left.
Have you still got the corn fritters, though? - Oh, aye, plenty of them.
- Well, it is your birthday, Beth, - so you've got to have one.
- Hear, hear! And I'm fucking sure I'm having the other one.
Right.
Well, let's see the menu over again? Hang on, hang on.
How big are they, the fish? They're quite big, aye.
A lot of folk don't finish them.
My friend struggled with one of your gammon steaks.
- Right.
- She eventually took it home in her handbag.
Why don't we take the two and I'll just split them up - and share them about? - What? - Oh, that's a brilliant idea.
Let's just do that.
Bring us an extra plate and I'll sort it out.
- What, you just want a plate on its own? - Yes.
Is that all right? Well, aye, I suppose.
Wait a minute.
If he's having some of ours and a pudding, - what does he get charged for that? - What pudding are you having? - I'm not sure yet.
- Oh, they've got sticky toffee, Eric.
- What size is your sticky toffee? - Christine! He's already paid for a fish and a pudding.
- So? - So, he's not getting what he paid for.
Aye, but he's getting a plate.
She'll get a fucking punch in the jaw.
Let's do that, then.
Just get us an extra plate, thanks.
- Anyway, happy birthday! - Exactly.
Happy birthday! She better no' be away in there spitting in our meals, Beth.
- Let's do a toast.
- No, no! - Ah, come on, come on.
Oh, wait, I've no' got a drink.
Where's my drink? He is absolutely hammered.
They shouldnae still be serving him.
See, that's what happens, though.
Folk just make a pig of themselves as soon as there's cheap drink.
Oh, you're quite right, Christine.
That's a good, big glass for £1.
50, isn't it? Listen, he's all right.
He's no' doing any harm.
Happy birthday to you Shh! Shh! Happy birthday - Colin! - All right, all right.
- We'll sing Happy Birthday later, OK? - OK, OK, fair enough.
I'll just I'll just maybe have a wee trip to the wee boys' room, eh? Here, Christine, you're not going to be the only one about to enjoy a single fish.
HE LAUGHS That is a disgraceful state to get yourself into.
Well, no wonder, if he's been sitting in here since lunchtime.
Bad things can happen when you get into that sort of state.
Last time I drank during the day, I ended up ordering garden furniture online.
Eric, erm, do you not think you should go in there and see if he wants you to put him into a taxi? - Och, away! - Go on, Eric.
- He's not THAT bad.
- He's fucking blootered, Eric.
- Go on.
- Och! You know the worst thing, Beth? He has invited himself into your company without an ounce of shame.
Unbelievable.
DOOR OPENS Hey! - You all right, Colin? - Aye, there's just a lot to come out.
Aye.
Are you no' thinking about maybe getting up the road, eh? Oh, Eric, Eric.
Eric, Eric.
How often do we get the chance to get a drink, just the two of us? Aye, but it's Beth's birthday, so Aye, all right.
Get her a pint, as well.
Eric, Eric - You're a real pal, Eric.
- Right.
- I'm going to text Cath.
- Now, Colin? I'm going to text Cath and tell her that I'm in the loo having a pish with my old pal Eric! No, no, no.
Just let her enjoy her time at the spa, eh? Look, come on.
We'll go downstairs and I'll get you a taxi, eh? All right, all right.
Here .
.
am I being a wee bit too much, am I? - No, no.
- Cos you can tell me if I am.
Am I, Eric? Am I being a bit OTT? A wee bit.
Right, OK.
That's fine.
Fair enough.
Let's go.
Let's go right now.
Hey! This is my neighbour! Neighbour There we go.
Oh, and, Mum, we've also got you a wee something.
- Ooh, what is it? - Aw, that's nice.
A wee surprise for you, Beth.
- Saved yourself the price of a stamp there, boys, eh? - Aw.
- What does it say? - "To the best mum in the world.
" - It was the only one they had left, so - Cheeky wee shite.
Oh, what's this? Oh, that's a wee voucher for you for that place you get your hair done.
They've got a wee beauty therapy bit now.
- Oh, thank you.
- It looks lovely.
Our friend Morven had reflexology there.
- She had what? - Reflexology.
You get it on your feet.
Oh, is that with the wee fishes? - What? - Aye, you know - the wee fishes in the tank that you put your feet into and they nibble all the dead skin off your toes.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, I had that.
Aye.
The guy said that they were full up for a fortnight after it.
Hey! - Ah.
- Christ, here's wee Tufty back.
- Colin.
- Beth, Beth, a little birdie told me it was your birthday.
- Colin! - Happy birthday, missus.
Come here till I wish you a happy birthday.
You've already given her a kiss.
He's already given her a kiss, Gordon.
Come on, Beth.
I washed my hands.
- Colin, I'll ask Ian to phone you a taxi, OK? - Eh? I think Cathy would prefer it if you went up the road.
- Aye.
- No, she's at a spa.
- Cathy's at a spa, Gordon.
- Ignore him, Gordon.
Ian, just call.
Gordon, Gordon, you'll like this.
You know, there was a guy in there earlier having a slash with his trousers round his ankles.
You saw the lot.
- Right, I've got a haddock.
- Whoo! There she is, - with the fishes and the dishes.
Whoo! Whoo! - Haddock! Here! Oh, look at that! Fucking yes, Beth! - Another haddock? - Erm It's her birthday.
Well, was.
- HE SLURS: - Ian, youyou all right? You all right, aye? Yous having anything? - Sweetcorn fritters.
- They're just bringing them.
Right, OK.
Right, apologies.
Nae bother.
- Just start.
- I'm waiting on my tartare sauce.
Where are the sauces, Beth? We'll ask the waitress when she comes back.
- Right, I've got a burger.
- That's mine.
- Excuse me? - And sweetcorn fritters.
- That's me.
- Excuse me? - Two seconds.
Whose is the extra plate, again? That's me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there's nothing on that! - That's what he asked for.
- Excuse me? I mean, I know he's on a diet, but come on! It's all right, Colin.
It's all right.
We're sharing.
They're sharing their fish with him.
- Excuse me? - Oh, right.
I thought he got an empty plate! Beth, I thought I thought he'd been given an empty plate.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, darling.
Just give us a hug, eh? - No, no, no.
- Colin, no! - Excuse me! - Yes? - Do you have any tartare sauce? - Yep.
Anything else? - Erm, tomato sauce, please.
- OK.
Anything else? - Vinegar, please.
- Anything else? - Is it sachets? - Aye.
Aw, well, fuck it, just bring us two of everything, then.
Right, give us your plate over, Eric.
Here, Eric, you can have some of these chips.
Some of these massive ones are quite hard in the middle, - so you can have them.
- Here you go.
Oh, you should have given him the wee curly bit at the end, Beth.
There's bugger all fish in that, Gordon.
It's just pure batter.
- That all right for you? - Mm, looks good.
Yours? - Oh, yeah, it looks nice.
- Let's have a wee look, Gordon.
Let's see what you got.
Aw, see, that's the thing about being vegetarian - you always end up with the shitest thing on the menu, don't you? Oh, here's my friend again.
Here, see when you See when you brought that plate over, I thought that was supposed to be his meal and you forgot to put food on it.
Oh, right, there we are.
Oh, that's it.
Right.
- Oh, bastard! Have you got yours, Ian? - No.
Fucking nuisance, these things, aren't they? Oh, there we are! That's it now.
That's it.
That's it.
Mm.
Do you know, I remember the days when this would have been a luxury - going out for a meal.
Special occasions only.
- Well, it's Beth's birthday.
- Ah, well, was.
See when I was your age, we never went out for something to eat.
No, we always got fed in the house.
- Aye, and once in a blue moon, you'd get a chippy.
- Aye.
Oh, and you had the same every week, eh? You had mince on a Monday, and your cottage pie on a Tuesday to use up the mince from the Monday.
SHE CHUCKLES Stewing steak on a Wednesday, pork chop on a Thursday and then your fish, done in a crumb, fried with an egg, on a Friday.
Oh, nothing wrong with that, eh? Good Scottish diet.
My mother made that every week till she had those heart attacks.
I remember my mother used to cook lamb every Sunday.
- I loved it.
- Ooh, lamb.
Do you know that lamb comes from an actual lamb, Gordon? We always had chicken on a Sunday and then, on the Monday, we'd have soup.
Oh, yes, that's your proper way to make stock, you know - boil up the carcass of the bird.
- Christine, Gordon's vegetarian.
- Oh.
Oh, sorry, son.
Sorry.
I meant skeleton.
I tell you, I'm glad that I ran into you today.
I really am.
It's actually made my day.
- Aw.
- No, it has.
I'm actually feeling quite emotional about it - just thinking about it, you know? - Aw, that's nice.
Any word on that taxi, Ian? I mean, you're my neighbours, you know, but see just sitting here, you know, watching you eating your chips, it's made me realise that you're .
.
you're actually my friends, as well.
- Aw! - Phone it again, son.
- # Happy birthday to you # - Oh, for God - Shh! - Colin! Shh! Shh! Shh! - # Happy birthday to # What is it? What is it? It's Beth's birthday! I just want to wish her a happy birthday, right? Yeah, not just now.
We'll do it later, eh? I'm sending Cathy a text.
- Have you got enough? - Aye, I'm fine.
- Have a few more.
- Did you guys order a taxi? - ALL: - Yes! - Colin, that's your taxi.
- Mm? - Colin.
- What? - That's your taxi.
Oh, right.
Come on, I'll see you in to it.
I need to get something out the car, anyway.
- PHONE BEEPS - Wait.
She's text me back.
Let's see.
What's that, Gordon? I cannae see what that is.
Is that a picture of a flag? - What is it? - She's sent me a flag.
He asked her what treatment she'd had done at the spa and she's just sent him a picture of a Brazil flag.
Oh, right.
Come on, Colin.
Let's go.
OK, OK.
- Bye, Colin.
- Bye, Beth.
Beth, Beth Happy birthday, Beth.
- Thank you.
- I'm very sorry I didn't get you anything.
- Och, don't worry.
- Beth, Beth - Colin, come on! - All right, all right.
Christine - Right, let's go.
- Come on.
HE EXHALES Two minutes, my friend.
OK, well, that's us, then.
- Here, give us a hug, Gordon.
- Aw, you're all right.
Just hope people don't think we're a couple.
- No.
- I mean, you look it, but I don't.
- Nae offence.
- That's fine.
- Do you think you can tell? - Tell what? If someone's, you know - What is it you're meant to say? - Gay? - Aye, or bent or whatever.
- Well, I can.
You see, I can't.
You know, well, I can sometimes tell lesbians, but see guys? You know, it could be anybody.
Do you know, there was a guy once who gave me the eye in Starbucks, Gordon? - Really? - Mm-hm.
He was He was standing next to the marshmallows and he just looked at me.
No.
Looked at you how? It was like this.
You know, it was like - What is going on? - Erm, Colin's just telling me about the guy who were coming on to him in Starbucks.
- Oh, right.
- He looked at me like this, Ian.
Right, well, erm, we should just go in.
- What's that? - Erm, it's a cake for my mum.
Away! Oh, come on, I cannae miss that.
Two minutes, my friend! Two minutes! Do yous want the menus back to look at the desserts? - Oh, I'm not really that - I'm wanting a sticky toffee pudding with one of your lattes in a big glass with two bits of tablet on the side, hen.
I'll just leave these here.
- Hey-hey! - Oh.
- Aw, you're fucking joking! - I thought you were - I couldn't leave without singing Happy Birthday! - Oh, no.
- Aw, look at that! Hey, you kept that quiet, eh? Aw, that's nice.
A birthday cake, eh? Oh, and look - Tesco's Finest.
You've certainly been getting the five-star treatment today, Beth.
You know, I feel bad I havnae got you anything, honestly.
- Don't worry, we got her something.
- Did you? I'm a last-minute invitation, so I havnae had a chance.
Oh, the boys got me a voucher for a treatment.
PHONE BEEPS Oh, it's Cathy.
Aw, she's sent me a photo.
Why don't we get this out of the box and sing Happy Birthday so Colin can get on his way? Aw, that's nice, Beth.
You've certainly got a lot to choose from there, you know.
- Oh, thanks, boys.
- Pleasure.
You could always get one of these done, Beth.
- What's that? - Look at that.
- Is that? - It's Cathy's, aye.
- What is it? Aw, for God's sake! Sorry, Eric.
I can't show you.
- Fair enough.
- It's private.
It's Cathy's chuff.
OK, are we ready? Shall we do this? ALL: # Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you At last! # Happy birthday dear - # Mrs Baird - Beth Happy birthday to you.
- Come on, everybody! Hip hip! - ALL: Hooray! - Hip hip! - Hooray! - Hip hip! - Hooray! Jeez! SHE SNIGGERS Are yous all right? Is he all right? - Aye, aye, he's fine.
- He's all right.
- Sorry.
Aw, what a shame.
Is that your birthday cake, as well? Don't worry.
- Whose birthday is it? - Mine.
- Aw.
Well, was.
# Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Get your finger out of it # It don't belong to you # Get your finger out of it # It don't belong to you I wouldn't give you a piece even if it's your birthday, too.