Veep s03e04 Episode Script
Clovis
Ah, very inspirational speech, ma'am.
Oh, come on, you wrote it, you can't review it.
How are you? I meant that you read it very inspirationally.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
I love Silicon Valley.
I love Silicon Valley! Yeah! Boy, it's a real can-do attitude.
This is what DC must have been like under Jefferson, except that would have been a horse, right? Yeah.
There's a typo on the home page.
She might have a "great sense of density" for this nation, but that's not the line we want to push.
- It's up.
- What is Oh, MeetMeyer? MeetMeyer.
corn.
Everything you wanted to know about Selina Meyer that we want you to.
You should have changed the name to MoneyMoneyMoney.
gov.
That's right.
It's 5,000 a ticket, and 10,000 to be at the Veep's table.
- What did you just say? - No, not really.
So, what about Clovis? When are we doing that? ls that tomorrow? Yes.
That company is worth 4.
3 billion.
- I know.
- That's more than I make in a year.
Yes.
Yes, we will need Wi-Fi.
Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe.
I was just fanning myself with my arm.
- Here, can you take this? It's heavy.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You take that.
Okay, this way? Wi-Fi.
Do you have that in Silicon Valley? This sun is unbelievable.
I've got to move the government here.
Oh, you wanna do a selfie? I call that an ussy.
It's an iPhone joke or something.
And who is this gorgeous thing? - This is Gracie.
- Look, here, look! She's wearing a campaign button, folks.
- Well, I campaigned for you.
- You did? Yeah, Cassie Langley.
I can't resist a baby.
Hello, Gracie.
- Now, how old is she? - I'd say she's eight and a half months.
- She's nine months.
- Okay' she's rounding up.
She's crawling.
Isn't that about the age No, she's been really, really slow to develop, actually.
They've been fracking in our area.
Hydraulic fracturing to extract oil and gas.
- You don't know what it is? - I absolutely know what fracking is.
We just don't know if there's contamination in our homes.
And when you ran, you said that you were pro-environment.
- I am pro- environment.
Absolutely.
- No, you were.
Now I don't know what you are, and I feel very, very let down by you.
You know what your mommy and I are doing? We're having a very serious conversation about political issues, aren't we? And the issues are complex.
You said you were against it, now you're saying you're for it.
I'm just confused.
Which one is it? We need to make that woman go away.
- And I don't mean kill her.
- Kill her.
who believe that a certain kind of fracking I don't think that you know what you are talking about.
I care about my daughter very much - Wrap it up.
- I'm trying.
I believe that children are our future, Cassie.
And they deserve an energy policy that protects the world, okay? The world in which there is a country called the United States of America.
Move on.
We're moving on.
Let's move on.
Excuse me, can I please have my child back? Oh, my God, I've got the baby! - This hurts, this hurts.
- No, no, no.
The mom.
This hurts, this hurts Hi! She was like a beached whale with one flipper fucking around in the air, and you were nowhere to push her back in the sea.
I was shutting it down, Amy.
Meanwhile, you were watching a baby fill its diaper.
That baby had a mean look in its eyes, like its mama.
- Hey, ma'am? - Uh-huh.
What do you think of a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.
- You know what trim is? - Yeah? - It's twat.
- Oh, yeah.
So, ma'am, right now, you're at your hotel.
- I know that, yes.
- What about this one, Alcatraz-matazz? - What do you think of that? - They look like two couches.
Couches.
Great.
No couches.
So, tomorrow morning is Clovis.
Then you go to Yahoo.
But remember, while you're there, do not use Google as a verb.
- They Yahoo things there.
- Okay, bye.
MeetMeyer.
com is burning down the house, ma'am, if that's a good thing.
What about this whole fracking mother with this baby situation? How bad is it? If we were gonna rate it on a scale of one to, like, fucked, what would you say? - Well, she's a woman.
- Right.
- In her 30s.
- Yeah.
You alienate them, and you'll be dead somewhere before New Hampshire.
Oh, my God, I know.
I mean, I lose women and what am I left with? I'm left with gay Latinos and Jews at college, I guess.
Does someone please want to tell me why Danny Chung is on this television? Even Selina Meyers supporters are not supporting her.
Now, speaking as a military man, if you lose the trust of the men and women on the ground I've got to take this fucker out.
I have to succeed where the Republican Guard failed.
All while doing 10 million other little things.
It is called multitasking, Dan.
I do it every Damn it.
You just typed the word multitasking, didn't you? No.
Yeah, Amy, Fracking Lady.
Want me to get her in here or shut her down? What do you want me to do? Tame her or shame her? Either.
Both.
And quickly.
- Oh, well, this is fuckin' terrible.
- I know.
You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever "they" are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.
No, no, I'm not talking about that.
Jonah's got a new post up.
And he's getting hits.
Not the kind he deserves, either.
So, the Veep's gone to Silicon Valley of the Dolls.
And instead of California dreaming, she's got 'em Califomia screaming.
And that's why drinking chemical sludge is good for you.
What? But We been drinking that track water, and took what it's gone done to my titty milk! My baby, Oh, my baby! Vice President's office, secure line.
Sue.
Sue-ster.
Sue of steel.
Sue-Sue-Sue-dio.
Jonah, get off the line.
And then the planet.
Sue, have you seen my viral Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Kent Davison on line three.
- Mr.
Davison? - Dan-zibar, what's happening? Hey, have you seen my viral? Dan, we need to break this Cassie bitch, the British dick who invented the Internet, and anybody in between.
- Yeah, yeah.
What about Jonah? - Jonah? Here.
Hey, fucking pencil neck.
He just swallowed his phone in fear.
- Look, Dan, fix this.
- I will get right on it, sir.
Then we'll hit O'Malley's at 8:00 for a beer or 10.
I'd ask Mike, but he's too happy now that he's married.
- Oh, thank you.
I look forward to that.
- Too happy.
It's obvious that I would make the best campaign manager.
I'm not asking you to tell her that, but please, would someone fuckin' tell her that? Take it from me, Dan, in a couple of months on this job, you'll go from those six-pack abs to this keg.
I haven't seen my penis since the first Gulf War, and I kinda miss the little guy.
I mean, I know that I can do it.
So how low can you go, Dan Egan? How down and dirty are you willing to get? Pretty grubby.
I would definitely need regular showers, for sure.
If someone brought you this Chung Iraq thing, you'd just tell 'em it's fuckin' bullshit, which it is.
What Chung Iraq thing? You know how Chung just bores the shit out of you, right? Well, it seems his unit in Iraq did that to some poor slob with a drill.
But that's, you know, it's just nut fluff.
I mean That's unusable, don't you think? Yeah.
Hey, could we get two more? Yeah, and a couple of whiskey chasers? It's still Tuesday for another six minutes.
Mike, I am balls deep in this omelet.
Can you please call this Cassie woman and invite her to Washington already? How come I don't have a "tell what to do guy"? - Amy? Amy? - Hmm? - Did you see that hot guy? - No.
He just came out of Gary's room.
- No.
- Yeah.
- What are you - What is going on with that? - No, he Another room or something.
- Yeah.
Hi! Hey, is that egg whites or is it - It's an egg white.
- That? Well, it's a few egg whites.
- Right, and some broccoli.
- You good? You excited about Clovis? Sure.
Ma'am, I want you to bring your A-game to the Craig Jergensen meet.
He's rich, as in wipe-out-the-deficit rich.
- How old is he? - 26.
Oh, my God.
See, that's wrong.
That's too young.
No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your 30s.
That's what Andrew and I did.
It kept us completely grounded.
Yeah.
- Oh, isn't this nice? Oh, poor kids, they don't realize they're all gonna be executed by the time they turn 30.
Wow, look at Oh, look here.
Madam Vice President, welcome to Clovis.
Melissa, so good to see you.
Melissa Conners, chief financial officer.
I am the oldest person at Clovis by five years.
I feel ancient.
You must be 12 years old, then.
I'm not, no.
No, no, this is Amy Brookheimer, my chief of staff.
- We know all about you, Amy.
- Hmm.
- Let me show you Clovis.
- Fantastic.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Well, I'm really looking forward to meeting Craig.
Absolutely, although it is pronounced Cray-eeg.
- Craig.
Yeah.
- Cray-eeg.
- C-R-A-I-G.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Craig? - No, Cray-eeg.
- Cray-eeg.
- Very close.
Gray-eeg.
- That's it.
Well done, Amy.
- Oh, okay.
You got it right, Ah-mee.
We have gyms and restaurants, entertainment facilities for the creatives.
Sleeping pods Oh, how wonderful.
Child care is a huge part of my campaign.
Oh, no, these are Legos.
Craig believes that Legos are an important part of creative thought.
Wow, and what are you making, Kent? Are you making a friend for the robot, huh? No, I think they're onto something here.
We should have this stuff up on the Hill.
- We could build a consensus.
- All right.
So, the Veep's gone to Silicon Valley of the Dolls Will someone please either kill the sound or kill that idiot? Whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? Back on.
Now.
Idiot.
Oh, God.
My brain feels like it's being fucking circumcised.
You know what? You, every day, I want you to remind me never to go drinking with Ben, all right? And you, get me a cheeseburger made of aspirin.
Where are you going, Dan? I am going to get some air and then throw up in it.
All right, the game is Texas Hold 'Em.
There are no comfort breaks in this game.
You're gonna sit there and piss your pants like a man while I take your money.
You're little.
You're big.
Put them in.
One-two.
Hey, the Egan has landed.
You look terrible, man.
Yeah.
Tone down the exuberance.
I got a hangover worse than the film they made after The Hangover.
- Fuckin' no! - Hey, Dan.
You actually do look like shit.
Who let him in here? Our weekly poker game was supposed to be sacrosanct.
Sorry, man.
His site has traction.
- My site has traction.
- It was linked on Playbook this morning.
Oh, my God, yeah, did I tell you? My site was linked on Playbook this morning.
- All right.
Just deal 'em up.
- I'm gonna crush you bastards.
Anybody want some fruit salad? I got plenty.
How long is Craig gonna be held up? Craig will be with us momentarily, but at present he's in his coding hour.
I imagine that's when he's creating code.
That's what she said, She called it that.
Craig's coding hour is sacred.
It happens every day, but you don't know when.
- Perhaps if Craig - It's Cray-eeg.
kept some sort of calendar, then he could write down his schedule.
Then he would know where he was meant to be.
- Noted.
- Yes.
What is all this writing on that wall? Oh, this is our graffiti wall.
Perhaps as one of our honored guests, you'd like to sign it.
- Oh.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
No, ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy.
I know, he's a great actor.
He was Scar in The Lion King.
That was Jeremy Irons.
Ron Jeremy is a porn legend.
- Oh, here.
- No Uh, Lance Armstrong.
We're having that one chemically expunged.
- Good idea.
- So - What are you doing? - It's like a rollaway.
But there's no wheels.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
Gonna raise 100.
You got nothing.
I know you, you got a tell.
That's your tell, Dan.
That's a William fucking Tell.
It's like an apple sitting right on your head, Dan.
I can see it.
It's plain as day.
I call.
See, I got one pretty lady, and, oh, look, she brought her sister, and hello, honey.
Three pretty ladies, like Saturday night at Chez Jonah.
And here endeth the lesson, children.
You look like you're gonna heave, man.
I just had a bellyful of Chung this morning.
I don't get it' either.
I don't know why no one's going after that guy.
Because unlike your boss, his day-to-fuck-up ratio isn't one to one.
At least Selina didn't torture any Iraqis.
Unless she had an Iraqi maid or something.
- That's bullshit.
- No, I heard his unit tenured a guy.
- Seriously? - I don't know for sure.
- You think that's true? - I'm not saying anything, okay? I know nothing.
Wow, it's like the rain forest, isn't it? - Nature is very important to Clovis.
- Uh-huh.
- Here is some.
- How do you take care of all the roots? Oh, these are synthetic.
- This is our Black Sky ideas room.
- Uh-huh.
Google has Blue Skies, but Craig doesn't stop at the atmosphere.
Ah! - But he stops at meeting me, doesn't he? - Yes.
In his own motherfucking building.
She said we'd see Craig momentarily.
Our withdrawal from Afghanistan has been more momentarily than this.
Sorry, guys, my size-of-a-planet bad.
Craig Jergensen, as I live and breathe in the genius.
Kent Davison.
- Selina.
- No, it's "Madam Vice President.
" - It's Madam Vice President.
- I'm sorry.
Madam Vice President.
- Oh, right.
- Right.
I shouldn't say this because I majored in math, but you have my 1,000% attention.
Wow, that's a lot.
I'm thrilled to hear that Excuse me one moment.
Have you heard from Indonesia? - They've made a counter.
- Okay.
Hope Melissa's taken care of you.
She's our "financy Nancy," but she's cool, sometimes.
I can be cool sometimes.
So what we need to do - Oh, um, talk to me.
- What about? Anything.
Doesn't quite matter.
"Congress," "legislature," words like that.
Yes.
Exactly.
What about France? So pretty.
The museums are too big.
- They could be smaller.
- That's a great point.
- Did Melissa show you our new baby? - We won.
- I'm so sorry.
What? - Did she show you the Smartch? This march? Do you have a special little march? - No.
- No? - You are going to love this.
- It's a little on the loud side, guys.
How about putting a sock around the ball? - Oh.
- We're going to put this on you.
You are wearing a smart watch.
Hence, Smartch.
It swaps Clovis profiles when you shake hands.
If it's a phone and watch, just call it a Fotch.
Or a Wone.
If you wanted it to bomb.
- Let's shake.
- All right.
- And now it is on.
- Oh.
Oh.
- It worked this morning.
- Okay, one more time.
This way.
Uh-oh.
I feel like we're sawing a tree or something.
Now we're milking a cow.
Maybe there's an on button.
You know what? We'll come back to shaking, okay? - Great.
- Um - Why don't you ask it a question? - Um - Can Craig see - Selina, you need to say "Smanch.
" - It's Madam Vice President.
- I know.
Um Okay.
Smartch, can you see for Craig - It's Cray-eeg.
- It's Cray-eeg.
Cray-eeg The MeetMeyer website.
These are the opening times for Sea World.
You know, this is good.
If things work all the time, it means we can't make them better.
We have a saying here at Clovis.
Dare to fail.
Then that's a job well done.
Stop playing ping-pong here and go have a great time somewhere else.
Look, if we don't go with this Chung torture story, someone else will.
We just don't know the facts.
Okay.
We put it out there, and then something will arrive that backs it up.
That's Journalism 101.
Hey, Dan.
It's Jonah.
Hey, do you think I should go with this? I'm probably going to, but if you think I shouldn't go with it, just call me back.
Okay? Call me back if I shouldn't go with it.
Okay.
Thank you.
This is Jonah.
Bye.
He's not calling back.
Go with it.
Stop.
Yeah.
- Done? - Done.
Ma'am, could I address the Smartch one more time? - Oh, yeah.
- At work they call me the tech whisperer.
- No, we don't.
- Smartch, can we see MeetMeyer? The Smartch learns quickly.
- It's like it has an Asian mother.
- Hmm.
- What - What is this? Some college kids made it, ma'am.
It's a comedy thing where they represent you as meat and act out news stories.
It's making fun of our website, which is MeetMeyer, M-E-E-T.
Oh, that's me.
What was the site, Meeting Meyer? Yeah.
Uh, Smartch, show us Meeting Meyer.
- No, no! No, Smartch, no! - What? - No.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's a porn site.
- Okay, okay.
- Gary, oh, my God.
Now I'm getting fucked harder that way, Gary.
Don'tâ.
- Engage family filters.
- You have to say Smartch.
Smartch, engage family filters.
All right, it's off.
Come down from that.
I am so sorry, Madam Vice President.
If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sure sign that you've officially made it.
Um, technically, becoming vice president could count as making it.
So who was that fucking me? Was that Jeremy Irons? - I think you mean Ron Jeremy.
- Whatever.
- It wasn't.
- Okay, this raises another point.
We cannot have this Jonah Ryan or this fracking story behind the Veep when she's talking.
Yeah, I can't take it from them, too.
You know? A girl gets tired.
Guys, you're not asking me to pull content.
That's very much against our ethics.
- The political reality is - I don't follow politics.
But I do like your Tablets in the School initiative.
How about I give you a few to get you started? Say, 50,000? That's a very generous offer.
We appreciate that.
Bang.
That's how fast we move here.
Well, that could be the start of a nice friendship.
Now that we're on the topic of friendship, that repatriation tax stops so much innovation.
We would love to have a dialogue about that.
You don't follow politics, I thought.
Or you do now follow politics? We see ourselves as very much post-tax.
I do have one fiscal question.
Right now, you are showcasing other people's content for free.
Once the content providers start charging you, do you have a plan for that? I think there's a misunderstanding.
People want to work with us more than they want to be paid.
That's a given.
Well, if that plan works, you've changed humanity.
- Bravo.
- Yeah, indeed.
- Melissa - Craig is bookmarking this chat.
- He's what? - You mean metaphorically? Look at that pile of elbows.
Look at this.
Number one.
His site's been blowing up all day.
Who is that guy? That's Jonah Ryan.
Everybody knows Jonah.
He's well-known in DC circles.
Okay, how much do we have in the New Venture fund? Okay, let's take three or four and buy that site.
- Oh, no way! - You mean millions? Fair enough.
Four to six.
He said he's a popular guy, so I didn't say that.
- Yes, he definitely said that.
- I didn't say that.
I've got to go talk to Indonesia.
Recap.
Tablets, cool.
No tax, awesome.
See you at the Town Hall.
Gonna be fun.
So glad you support us.
Okay, thanks.
Okay, bye.
- Who was that? - It was nobody.
Just a nice little pretty lady I like to call Destiny.
Clovis wants to buy Ryantology.
- That's right! That's right! - What? Oh, my God.
You see these brains? See why I'm pattin' 'em? Because they are made of solid platinum.
- This is really good for all of us, right? - I am going to be so rich.
Oh, my God.
You know what? Everybody who said that I would never make it, where the fuck are you now, huh? Some of them are still in senior positions.
Fuck you, Kent Davison.
Fuck you, Mrs.
Gravestock from the third grade.
Fuck you, stepdad one and stepdad three.
I gotta sit down.
I think I just had a money-gasm.
Jonah with money.
God Almighty.
It's like if Hitler could fly.
- I vote we tape Gary's mouth closed.
- I did not say anything.
He asked me to come in with him, Jonah did.
I'd be rich right now.
- I'd be handcuffed to a prick, but I'd be rich.
- No, you wouldn't.
You would not.
Absolutely not.
What? So they buy it for four, so that gives you, what, one? After taxes, it's like 500,000.
It's nothing.
What are you gonna do with that? - Ow.
- Oh, my God.
Do you think this is appropriate? 'Cause when you do that to the vice president, this is what happens! God.
Oh, my God.
- Gary, are you okay? - I'm fine, I'm fine.
- God! - You know what? You kids have no - Ma'am? Ma'am? - What? These idiots are the Internet.
- Excuse me, Madam Vice President.
- Madam Vice President.
- Amy, can we huddle for a second? - Yeah.
It's okay, we have a huddle area.
I'm taking these people back to dial-up.
You know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.
- Well, in a way they are.
- No, they're not.
Okay.
I take your point.
I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big, brass, shiny erection, but I got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyberbrats.
And I'll tell you something else.
If you're over 30 Check it out.
That's where you're headed, my friend, if you work here.
I got to go to the bathroom.
They have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud? Down the hall to the right.
I hate this fucking place.
Way to go, Gary.
Oh, it's a space toilet.
Okay.
Oh.
I've been watching you and I like what I see.
Right.
Would you work here and share an open plan environment with me? I'm flattered, but the sheer positivity of this place would break me.
- Hey, Doug, they got different trail mix today.
- Somewhere else.
This is what we'd pay you.
Go fuck yourself.
Sorry, that's the opposite of what I meant to say.
Oh.
Iraq, land of history, but also land of unspeakable torture! Chung's proud of his beatboxing, but what about the beating and boxing he did in Iraq? Proud of that, Guv'nor? - I don't understand what this is.
- I know.
I don't want any of this.
Figure out a way to get rid of it.
I don't know what that is.
- What's wrong? What's wrong? - I'm sorry.
I've got to confess, ma'am, I've been in a lot of pain lately.
It's my shoulder.
The masseuse at the hotel this morning told me to take it easy, - but it's just been hurting.
- Oh! - It was a masseuse.
- That makes total sense now.
Wait.
Who did you think it was? Kent, it was a masseuse.
Ah.
Masseuse.
I buy that.
Why else would I invite a man into my hotel room? - Well - Nothing.
Why are you looking at me like that? Like what? Nobody's looking at you in any way.
It's a free country.
- I know it's a free country.
- I had a cousin like that.
Not to split hairs or anything, but it was a man.
So, technically, it's a masseur, not a masseuse.
- Whatever makes you happy.
It doesn't matter.
- I don't understand what's God! Whatever makes me happy? - It's complicated, isn't it? - It is, it is.
But my job is to discover how America thinks.
And right now, the public is interested in tax relief for tech firms.
Interesting.
Yeah, but they're still deciding.
There is a lot of interest in the Chung torture story.
The public may decide to put it on the Clovis front page after all.
Instead of those Selina stories.
Also interesting.
Well, I do admire the power of the public.
- Aren't they magnificent? - Mmm.
Welcome to the Clovis Town Hall, guys! Next week we have Rupert Grint from the Harry Potter movies.
But today I am honored to welcome the Vice President of the United States, Selina Meyer.
Oh, God.
- Hi.
- Now, Selina Oh Some people call me, "Madam Vice President.
â But you can call me whatever you want, Craig.
Cray-eeg.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Well, Madam Vice President, um, why don't you name a website, suitable for work, please.
Okay, Smartch, show me the Clovis home page.
You know what? Guys, I have to address this.
This Danny Chung torture story.
Uh, I know Governor Chung very well and I can tell you that these allegations are utterly unfounded.
Utterly unfounded.
If you are telling me that Danny Chung condones torture, I am telling you that those allegations are false.
False.
I mean, the words Danny Chung and torture, they don't belong in the same sentence.
They don't.
Danny Chung? Torture? Come on.
Well, ma'am, by denying that Chung and torture are connected, everyone now seems to think that, well, Chung and torture are connected.
And I wonder what magician got that little story out there? Well, you're a very smart boy.
Listen, we're gonna end this conversation.
We're never gonna refer to it again, okay? Melissa, I've had time to think about it now, and I'm a grown-up.
I don't think I'm the right fit here.
I wasn't even that into toys when I was a kid.
The Veep doesn't value you.
She's about to promote me to campaign manager.
She values me.
That's off the record, by the way.
I don't need you.
I can buy 1,000 Amys.
That's fine by me if your idea of special is Jonah Ryan.
Jonah Ryan? We sunset-ted that idea minutes ago.
We've withdrawn our offer.
Well, "like.
" Sorry, wrong company.
These Pentagon files prove beyond doubt I had no involvement in torture.
I've never made political capital from my military record.
A service to this great country Okay, yes.
I understand.
but the now utterly discredited website Jonah, we didn't get into this for the money.
You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul.
destroy the allegations against me and the brave men and women Hey! Dan! Hey, pizza delivery, buddy.
I got some meat you can put in your mouth.
You fuckin' asshole! Hey, you want a complimentary soda? What the hell are you doing' Jonah? - Screw you, Dan.
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
Speaking of screwed, I heard you lost $4 million.
- Yeah.
- I feel your pain, buddy.
I had to dump that 150 on purpose in the game today.
You fucked me, Dan.
You fucked me with your face.
Oh, would that be this face? Melissa, what an enjoyable day.
- Thank you very much.
- Our pleasure.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Amy, can I talk to you just briefly? In the ladies' restroom, they have some sort of an Internet toilet.
I couldn't figure out how to flush it.
It's got all these buttons that freak me out, so can you go handle that? Okay.
It's the third stall.
Thank you.
Oh.
Wonderful day, wonderful device.
- Wanna take one away? - No.
Here you go.
All the best.
Oh, come on, you wrote it, you can't review it.
How are you? I meant that you read it very inspirationally.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
I love Silicon Valley.
I love Silicon Valley! Yeah! Boy, it's a real can-do attitude.
This is what DC must have been like under Jefferson, except that would have been a horse, right? Yeah.
There's a typo on the home page.
She might have a "great sense of density" for this nation, but that's not the line we want to push.
- It's up.
- What is Oh, MeetMeyer? MeetMeyer.
corn.
Everything you wanted to know about Selina Meyer that we want you to.
You should have changed the name to MoneyMoneyMoney.
gov.
That's right.
It's 5,000 a ticket, and 10,000 to be at the Veep's table.
- What did you just say? - No, not really.
So, what about Clovis? When are we doing that? ls that tomorrow? Yes.
That company is worth 4.
3 billion.
- I know.
- That's more than I make in a year.
Yes.
Yes, we will need Wi-Fi.
Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe.
I was just fanning myself with my arm.
- Here, can you take this? It's heavy.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You take that.
Okay, this way? Wi-Fi.
Do you have that in Silicon Valley? This sun is unbelievable.
I've got to move the government here.
Oh, you wanna do a selfie? I call that an ussy.
It's an iPhone joke or something.
And who is this gorgeous thing? - This is Gracie.
- Look, here, look! She's wearing a campaign button, folks.
- Well, I campaigned for you.
- You did? Yeah, Cassie Langley.
I can't resist a baby.
Hello, Gracie.
- Now, how old is she? - I'd say she's eight and a half months.
- She's nine months.
- Okay' she's rounding up.
She's crawling.
Isn't that about the age No, she's been really, really slow to develop, actually.
They've been fracking in our area.
Hydraulic fracturing to extract oil and gas.
- You don't know what it is? - I absolutely know what fracking is.
We just don't know if there's contamination in our homes.
And when you ran, you said that you were pro-environment.
- I am pro- environment.
Absolutely.
- No, you were.
Now I don't know what you are, and I feel very, very let down by you.
You know what your mommy and I are doing? We're having a very serious conversation about political issues, aren't we? And the issues are complex.
You said you were against it, now you're saying you're for it.
I'm just confused.
Which one is it? We need to make that woman go away.
- And I don't mean kill her.
- Kill her.
who believe that a certain kind of fracking I don't think that you know what you are talking about.
I care about my daughter very much - Wrap it up.
- I'm trying.
I believe that children are our future, Cassie.
And they deserve an energy policy that protects the world, okay? The world in which there is a country called the United States of America.
Move on.
We're moving on.
Let's move on.
Excuse me, can I please have my child back? Oh, my God, I've got the baby! - This hurts, this hurts.
- No, no, no.
The mom.
This hurts, this hurts Hi! She was like a beached whale with one flipper fucking around in the air, and you were nowhere to push her back in the sea.
I was shutting it down, Amy.
Meanwhile, you were watching a baby fill its diaper.
That baby had a mean look in its eyes, like its mama.
- Hey, ma'am? - Uh-huh.
What do you think of a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.
- You know what trim is? - Yeah? - It's twat.
- Oh, yeah.
So, ma'am, right now, you're at your hotel.
- I know that, yes.
- What about this one, Alcatraz-matazz? - What do you think of that? - They look like two couches.
Couches.
Great.
No couches.
So, tomorrow morning is Clovis.
Then you go to Yahoo.
But remember, while you're there, do not use Google as a verb.
- They Yahoo things there.
- Okay, bye.
MeetMeyer.
com is burning down the house, ma'am, if that's a good thing.
What about this whole fracking mother with this baby situation? How bad is it? If we were gonna rate it on a scale of one to, like, fucked, what would you say? - Well, she's a woman.
- Right.
- In her 30s.
- Yeah.
You alienate them, and you'll be dead somewhere before New Hampshire.
Oh, my God, I know.
I mean, I lose women and what am I left with? I'm left with gay Latinos and Jews at college, I guess.
Does someone please want to tell me why Danny Chung is on this television? Even Selina Meyers supporters are not supporting her.
Now, speaking as a military man, if you lose the trust of the men and women on the ground I've got to take this fucker out.
I have to succeed where the Republican Guard failed.
All while doing 10 million other little things.
It is called multitasking, Dan.
I do it every Damn it.
You just typed the word multitasking, didn't you? No.
Yeah, Amy, Fracking Lady.
Want me to get her in here or shut her down? What do you want me to do? Tame her or shame her? Either.
Both.
And quickly.
- Oh, well, this is fuckin' terrible.
- I know.
You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever "they" are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.
No, no, I'm not talking about that.
Jonah's got a new post up.
And he's getting hits.
Not the kind he deserves, either.
So, the Veep's gone to Silicon Valley of the Dolls.
And instead of California dreaming, she's got 'em Califomia screaming.
And that's why drinking chemical sludge is good for you.
What? But We been drinking that track water, and took what it's gone done to my titty milk! My baby, Oh, my baby! Vice President's office, secure line.
Sue.
Sue-ster.
Sue of steel.
Sue-Sue-Sue-dio.
Jonah, get off the line.
And then the planet.
Sue, have you seen my viral Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Kent Davison on line three.
- Mr.
Davison? - Dan-zibar, what's happening? Hey, have you seen my viral? Dan, we need to break this Cassie bitch, the British dick who invented the Internet, and anybody in between.
- Yeah, yeah.
What about Jonah? - Jonah? Here.
Hey, fucking pencil neck.
He just swallowed his phone in fear.
- Look, Dan, fix this.
- I will get right on it, sir.
Then we'll hit O'Malley's at 8:00 for a beer or 10.
I'd ask Mike, but he's too happy now that he's married.
- Oh, thank you.
I look forward to that.
- Too happy.
It's obvious that I would make the best campaign manager.
I'm not asking you to tell her that, but please, would someone fuckin' tell her that? Take it from me, Dan, in a couple of months on this job, you'll go from those six-pack abs to this keg.
I haven't seen my penis since the first Gulf War, and I kinda miss the little guy.
I mean, I know that I can do it.
So how low can you go, Dan Egan? How down and dirty are you willing to get? Pretty grubby.
I would definitely need regular showers, for sure.
If someone brought you this Chung Iraq thing, you'd just tell 'em it's fuckin' bullshit, which it is.
What Chung Iraq thing? You know how Chung just bores the shit out of you, right? Well, it seems his unit in Iraq did that to some poor slob with a drill.
But that's, you know, it's just nut fluff.
I mean That's unusable, don't you think? Yeah.
Hey, could we get two more? Yeah, and a couple of whiskey chasers? It's still Tuesday for another six minutes.
Mike, I am balls deep in this omelet.
Can you please call this Cassie woman and invite her to Washington already? How come I don't have a "tell what to do guy"? - Amy? Amy? - Hmm? - Did you see that hot guy? - No.
He just came out of Gary's room.
- No.
- Yeah.
- What are you - What is going on with that? - No, he Another room or something.
- Yeah.
Hi! Hey, is that egg whites or is it - It's an egg white.
- That? Well, it's a few egg whites.
- Right, and some broccoli.
- You good? You excited about Clovis? Sure.
Ma'am, I want you to bring your A-game to the Craig Jergensen meet.
He's rich, as in wipe-out-the-deficit rich.
- How old is he? - 26.
Oh, my God.
See, that's wrong.
That's too young.
No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your 30s.
That's what Andrew and I did.
It kept us completely grounded.
Yeah.
- Oh, isn't this nice? Oh, poor kids, they don't realize they're all gonna be executed by the time they turn 30.
Wow, look at Oh, look here.
Madam Vice President, welcome to Clovis.
Melissa, so good to see you.
Melissa Conners, chief financial officer.
I am the oldest person at Clovis by five years.
I feel ancient.
You must be 12 years old, then.
I'm not, no.
No, no, this is Amy Brookheimer, my chief of staff.
- We know all about you, Amy.
- Hmm.
- Let me show you Clovis.
- Fantastic.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Well, I'm really looking forward to meeting Craig.
Absolutely, although it is pronounced Cray-eeg.
- Craig.
Yeah.
- Cray-eeg.
- C-R-A-I-G.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Craig? - No, Cray-eeg.
- Cray-eeg.
- Very close.
Gray-eeg.
- That's it.
Well done, Amy.
- Oh, okay.
You got it right, Ah-mee.
We have gyms and restaurants, entertainment facilities for the creatives.
Sleeping pods Oh, how wonderful.
Child care is a huge part of my campaign.
Oh, no, these are Legos.
Craig believes that Legos are an important part of creative thought.
Wow, and what are you making, Kent? Are you making a friend for the robot, huh? No, I think they're onto something here.
We should have this stuff up on the Hill.
- We could build a consensus.
- All right.
So, the Veep's gone to Silicon Valley of the Dolls Will someone please either kill the sound or kill that idiot? Whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? Back on.
Now.
Idiot.
Oh, God.
My brain feels like it's being fucking circumcised.
You know what? You, every day, I want you to remind me never to go drinking with Ben, all right? And you, get me a cheeseburger made of aspirin.
Where are you going, Dan? I am going to get some air and then throw up in it.
All right, the game is Texas Hold 'Em.
There are no comfort breaks in this game.
You're gonna sit there and piss your pants like a man while I take your money.
You're little.
You're big.
Put them in.
One-two.
Hey, the Egan has landed.
You look terrible, man.
Yeah.
Tone down the exuberance.
I got a hangover worse than the film they made after The Hangover.
- Fuckin' no! - Hey, Dan.
You actually do look like shit.
Who let him in here? Our weekly poker game was supposed to be sacrosanct.
Sorry, man.
His site has traction.
- My site has traction.
- It was linked on Playbook this morning.
Oh, my God, yeah, did I tell you? My site was linked on Playbook this morning.
- All right.
Just deal 'em up.
- I'm gonna crush you bastards.
Anybody want some fruit salad? I got plenty.
How long is Craig gonna be held up? Craig will be with us momentarily, but at present he's in his coding hour.
I imagine that's when he's creating code.
That's what she said, She called it that.
Craig's coding hour is sacred.
It happens every day, but you don't know when.
- Perhaps if Craig - It's Cray-eeg.
kept some sort of calendar, then he could write down his schedule.
Then he would know where he was meant to be.
- Noted.
- Yes.
What is all this writing on that wall? Oh, this is our graffiti wall.
Perhaps as one of our honored guests, you'd like to sign it.
- Oh.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
No, ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy.
I know, he's a great actor.
He was Scar in The Lion King.
That was Jeremy Irons.
Ron Jeremy is a porn legend.
- Oh, here.
- No Uh, Lance Armstrong.
We're having that one chemically expunged.
- Good idea.
- So - What are you doing? - It's like a rollaway.
But there's no wheels.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
Gonna raise 100.
You got nothing.
I know you, you got a tell.
That's your tell, Dan.
That's a William fucking Tell.
It's like an apple sitting right on your head, Dan.
I can see it.
It's plain as day.
I call.
See, I got one pretty lady, and, oh, look, she brought her sister, and hello, honey.
Three pretty ladies, like Saturday night at Chez Jonah.
And here endeth the lesson, children.
You look like you're gonna heave, man.
I just had a bellyful of Chung this morning.
I don't get it' either.
I don't know why no one's going after that guy.
Because unlike your boss, his day-to-fuck-up ratio isn't one to one.
At least Selina didn't torture any Iraqis.
Unless she had an Iraqi maid or something.
- That's bullshit.
- No, I heard his unit tenured a guy.
- Seriously? - I don't know for sure.
- You think that's true? - I'm not saying anything, okay? I know nothing.
Wow, it's like the rain forest, isn't it? - Nature is very important to Clovis.
- Uh-huh.
- Here is some.
- How do you take care of all the roots? Oh, these are synthetic.
- This is our Black Sky ideas room.
- Uh-huh.
Google has Blue Skies, but Craig doesn't stop at the atmosphere.
Ah! - But he stops at meeting me, doesn't he? - Yes.
In his own motherfucking building.
She said we'd see Craig momentarily.
Our withdrawal from Afghanistan has been more momentarily than this.
Sorry, guys, my size-of-a-planet bad.
Craig Jergensen, as I live and breathe in the genius.
Kent Davison.
- Selina.
- No, it's "Madam Vice President.
" - It's Madam Vice President.
- I'm sorry.
Madam Vice President.
- Oh, right.
- Right.
I shouldn't say this because I majored in math, but you have my 1,000% attention.
Wow, that's a lot.
I'm thrilled to hear that Excuse me one moment.
Have you heard from Indonesia? - They've made a counter.
- Okay.
Hope Melissa's taken care of you.
She's our "financy Nancy," but she's cool, sometimes.
I can be cool sometimes.
So what we need to do - Oh, um, talk to me.
- What about? Anything.
Doesn't quite matter.
"Congress," "legislature," words like that.
Yes.
Exactly.
What about France? So pretty.
The museums are too big.
- They could be smaller.
- That's a great point.
- Did Melissa show you our new baby? - We won.
- I'm so sorry.
What? - Did she show you the Smartch? This march? Do you have a special little march? - No.
- No? - You are going to love this.
- It's a little on the loud side, guys.
How about putting a sock around the ball? - Oh.
- We're going to put this on you.
You are wearing a smart watch.
Hence, Smartch.
It swaps Clovis profiles when you shake hands.
If it's a phone and watch, just call it a Fotch.
Or a Wone.
If you wanted it to bomb.
- Let's shake.
- All right.
- And now it is on.
- Oh.
Oh.
- It worked this morning.
- Okay, one more time.
This way.
Uh-oh.
I feel like we're sawing a tree or something.
Now we're milking a cow.
Maybe there's an on button.
You know what? We'll come back to shaking, okay? - Great.
- Um - Why don't you ask it a question? - Um - Can Craig see - Selina, you need to say "Smanch.
" - It's Madam Vice President.
- I know.
Um Okay.
Smartch, can you see for Craig - It's Cray-eeg.
- It's Cray-eeg.
Cray-eeg The MeetMeyer website.
These are the opening times for Sea World.
You know, this is good.
If things work all the time, it means we can't make them better.
We have a saying here at Clovis.
Dare to fail.
Then that's a job well done.
Stop playing ping-pong here and go have a great time somewhere else.
Look, if we don't go with this Chung torture story, someone else will.
We just don't know the facts.
Okay.
We put it out there, and then something will arrive that backs it up.
That's Journalism 101.
Hey, Dan.
It's Jonah.
Hey, do you think I should go with this? I'm probably going to, but if you think I shouldn't go with it, just call me back.
Okay? Call me back if I shouldn't go with it.
Okay.
Thank you.
This is Jonah.
Bye.
He's not calling back.
Go with it.
Stop.
Yeah.
- Done? - Done.
Ma'am, could I address the Smartch one more time? - Oh, yeah.
- At work they call me the tech whisperer.
- No, we don't.
- Smartch, can we see MeetMeyer? The Smartch learns quickly.
- It's like it has an Asian mother.
- Hmm.
- What - What is this? Some college kids made it, ma'am.
It's a comedy thing where they represent you as meat and act out news stories.
It's making fun of our website, which is MeetMeyer, M-E-E-T.
Oh, that's me.
What was the site, Meeting Meyer? Yeah.
Uh, Smartch, show us Meeting Meyer.
- No, no! No, Smartch, no! - What? - No.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's a porn site.
- Okay, okay.
- Gary, oh, my God.
Now I'm getting fucked harder that way, Gary.
Don'tâ.
- Engage family filters.
- You have to say Smartch.
Smartch, engage family filters.
All right, it's off.
Come down from that.
I am so sorry, Madam Vice President.
If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sure sign that you've officially made it.
Um, technically, becoming vice president could count as making it.
So who was that fucking me? Was that Jeremy Irons? - I think you mean Ron Jeremy.
- Whatever.
- It wasn't.
- Okay, this raises another point.
We cannot have this Jonah Ryan or this fracking story behind the Veep when she's talking.
Yeah, I can't take it from them, too.
You know? A girl gets tired.
Guys, you're not asking me to pull content.
That's very much against our ethics.
- The political reality is - I don't follow politics.
But I do like your Tablets in the School initiative.
How about I give you a few to get you started? Say, 50,000? That's a very generous offer.
We appreciate that.
Bang.
That's how fast we move here.
Well, that could be the start of a nice friendship.
Now that we're on the topic of friendship, that repatriation tax stops so much innovation.
We would love to have a dialogue about that.
You don't follow politics, I thought.
Or you do now follow politics? We see ourselves as very much post-tax.
I do have one fiscal question.
Right now, you are showcasing other people's content for free.
Once the content providers start charging you, do you have a plan for that? I think there's a misunderstanding.
People want to work with us more than they want to be paid.
That's a given.
Well, if that plan works, you've changed humanity.
- Bravo.
- Yeah, indeed.
- Melissa - Craig is bookmarking this chat.
- He's what? - You mean metaphorically? Look at that pile of elbows.
Look at this.
Number one.
His site's been blowing up all day.
Who is that guy? That's Jonah Ryan.
Everybody knows Jonah.
He's well-known in DC circles.
Okay, how much do we have in the New Venture fund? Okay, let's take three or four and buy that site.
- Oh, no way! - You mean millions? Fair enough.
Four to six.
He said he's a popular guy, so I didn't say that.
- Yes, he definitely said that.
- I didn't say that.
I've got to go talk to Indonesia.
Recap.
Tablets, cool.
No tax, awesome.
See you at the Town Hall.
Gonna be fun.
So glad you support us.
Okay, thanks.
Okay, bye.
- Who was that? - It was nobody.
Just a nice little pretty lady I like to call Destiny.
Clovis wants to buy Ryantology.
- That's right! That's right! - What? Oh, my God.
You see these brains? See why I'm pattin' 'em? Because they are made of solid platinum.
- This is really good for all of us, right? - I am going to be so rich.
Oh, my God.
You know what? Everybody who said that I would never make it, where the fuck are you now, huh? Some of them are still in senior positions.
Fuck you, Kent Davison.
Fuck you, Mrs.
Gravestock from the third grade.
Fuck you, stepdad one and stepdad three.
I gotta sit down.
I think I just had a money-gasm.
Jonah with money.
God Almighty.
It's like if Hitler could fly.
- I vote we tape Gary's mouth closed.
- I did not say anything.
He asked me to come in with him, Jonah did.
I'd be rich right now.
- I'd be handcuffed to a prick, but I'd be rich.
- No, you wouldn't.
You would not.
Absolutely not.
What? So they buy it for four, so that gives you, what, one? After taxes, it's like 500,000.
It's nothing.
What are you gonna do with that? - Ow.
- Oh, my God.
Do you think this is appropriate? 'Cause when you do that to the vice president, this is what happens! God.
Oh, my God.
- Gary, are you okay? - I'm fine, I'm fine.
- God! - You know what? You kids have no - Ma'am? Ma'am? - What? These idiots are the Internet.
- Excuse me, Madam Vice President.
- Madam Vice President.
- Amy, can we huddle for a second? - Yeah.
It's okay, we have a huddle area.
I'm taking these people back to dial-up.
You know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.
- Well, in a way they are.
- No, they're not.
Okay.
I take your point.
I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big, brass, shiny erection, but I got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyberbrats.
And I'll tell you something else.
If you're over 30 Check it out.
That's where you're headed, my friend, if you work here.
I got to go to the bathroom.
They have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud? Down the hall to the right.
I hate this fucking place.
Way to go, Gary.
Oh, it's a space toilet.
Okay.
Oh.
I've been watching you and I like what I see.
Right.
Would you work here and share an open plan environment with me? I'm flattered, but the sheer positivity of this place would break me.
- Hey, Doug, they got different trail mix today.
- Somewhere else.
This is what we'd pay you.
Go fuck yourself.
Sorry, that's the opposite of what I meant to say.
Oh.
Iraq, land of history, but also land of unspeakable torture! Chung's proud of his beatboxing, but what about the beating and boxing he did in Iraq? Proud of that, Guv'nor? - I don't understand what this is.
- I know.
I don't want any of this.
Figure out a way to get rid of it.
I don't know what that is.
- What's wrong? What's wrong? - I'm sorry.
I've got to confess, ma'am, I've been in a lot of pain lately.
It's my shoulder.
The masseuse at the hotel this morning told me to take it easy, - but it's just been hurting.
- Oh! - It was a masseuse.
- That makes total sense now.
Wait.
Who did you think it was? Kent, it was a masseuse.
Ah.
Masseuse.
I buy that.
Why else would I invite a man into my hotel room? - Well - Nothing.
Why are you looking at me like that? Like what? Nobody's looking at you in any way.
It's a free country.
- I know it's a free country.
- I had a cousin like that.
Not to split hairs or anything, but it was a man.
So, technically, it's a masseur, not a masseuse.
- Whatever makes you happy.
It doesn't matter.
- I don't understand what's God! Whatever makes me happy? - It's complicated, isn't it? - It is, it is.
But my job is to discover how America thinks.
And right now, the public is interested in tax relief for tech firms.
Interesting.
Yeah, but they're still deciding.
There is a lot of interest in the Chung torture story.
The public may decide to put it on the Clovis front page after all.
Instead of those Selina stories.
Also interesting.
Well, I do admire the power of the public.
- Aren't they magnificent? - Mmm.
Welcome to the Clovis Town Hall, guys! Next week we have Rupert Grint from the Harry Potter movies.
But today I am honored to welcome the Vice President of the United States, Selina Meyer.
Oh, God.
- Hi.
- Now, Selina Oh Some people call me, "Madam Vice President.
â But you can call me whatever you want, Craig.
Cray-eeg.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Well, Madam Vice President, um, why don't you name a website, suitable for work, please.
Okay, Smartch, show me the Clovis home page.
You know what? Guys, I have to address this.
This Danny Chung torture story.
Uh, I know Governor Chung very well and I can tell you that these allegations are utterly unfounded.
Utterly unfounded.
If you are telling me that Danny Chung condones torture, I am telling you that those allegations are false.
False.
I mean, the words Danny Chung and torture, they don't belong in the same sentence.
They don't.
Danny Chung? Torture? Come on.
Well, ma'am, by denying that Chung and torture are connected, everyone now seems to think that, well, Chung and torture are connected.
And I wonder what magician got that little story out there? Well, you're a very smart boy.
Listen, we're gonna end this conversation.
We're never gonna refer to it again, okay? Melissa, I've had time to think about it now, and I'm a grown-up.
I don't think I'm the right fit here.
I wasn't even that into toys when I was a kid.
The Veep doesn't value you.
She's about to promote me to campaign manager.
She values me.
That's off the record, by the way.
I don't need you.
I can buy 1,000 Amys.
That's fine by me if your idea of special is Jonah Ryan.
Jonah Ryan? We sunset-ted that idea minutes ago.
We've withdrawn our offer.
Well, "like.
" Sorry, wrong company.
These Pentagon files prove beyond doubt I had no involvement in torture.
I've never made political capital from my military record.
A service to this great country Okay, yes.
I understand.
but the now utterly discredited website Jonah, we didn't get into this for the money.
You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul.
destroy the allegations against me and the brave men and women Hey! Dan! Hey, pizza delivery, buddy.
I got some meat you can put in your mouth.
You fuckin' asshole! Hey, you want a complimentary soda? What the hell are you doing' Jonah? - Screw you, Dan.
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
Speaking of screwed, I heard you lost $4 million.
- Yeah.
- I feel your pain, buddy.
I had to dump that 150 on purpose in the game today.
You fucked me, Dan.
You fucked me with your face.
Oh, would that be this face? Melissa, what an enjoyable day.
- Thank you very much.
- Our pleasure.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Amy, can I talk to you just briefly? In the ladies' restroom, they have some sort of an Internet toilet.
I couldn't figure out how to flush it.
It's got all these buttons that freak me out, so can you go handle that? Okay.
It's the third stall.
Thank you.
Oh.
Wonderful day, wonderful device.
- Wanna take one away? - No.
Here you go.
All the best.