Weird Science s03e04 Episode Script

You make man? No-- woman.
MONSTER: Woman? [THEME MUSIC.]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and making weird science.
Something like a recipe.
Bits and pieces and bits and pieces, pieces, pieces.
My creation-- is it real? It's my creation Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold, just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
Oh, my creation.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand? It's alive-- alive! Bang.
Bang, bang.
[CHUCKLES.]
You think your bullet can harm me? I'm Captain Invincible.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Hm.
Damn sun shower.
I don't believe this.
Feel the wrath of the cloud king.
I gotta hand it to ya, Lis', this remote control cloud is pretty handy.
Torturing Chett brings out the artist in me.
I push it here-- [MECHANICAL SOUNDS.]
--it comes down there.
[BEEPING.]
[GROANING.]
Aw, what do you want from me?! How long do you think it's gonna take before he gives up and goes to a tanning salon? This cloud's a little small.
Let's turn it up.
[BEEPING.]
[THUNDER.]
CHETT: Oww! Uh-oh.
What'd I do? It's stuck on Lightning Barrage.
Oh, is that bad? [THUNDER.]
Bad-ish.
Lisa, Chett's about to be French-fried.
[THUNDER.]
Do something, anything! OK, OK.
Calm down.
[THUNDER.]
[ELECTRICITY.]
[SHOUTS.]
Nice save.
Chett? What a way to go.
Why didn't you save him? I thought I did.
Your parents are going to be really pissed.
I know he was mean to me and beat me up, took my things.
But he was my only brother.
He wasn't all bad.
Uh, Wyatt.
I never even told him I loved him.
[GRUNTS.]
Now I remember why.
I think that's enough sun for one day.
You made him what? Invincible.
You know, just like Captain Invincible.
Well, that's just great, Lisa.
Maybe next time, you can turn him into a raptor so he could devour us.
Or how about the might Zeus? Because then, he could smite us with his divine wrath.
You asked me to do something, so I did something.
You turned a gun-crazy psychotic ugly bully into the Terminator? Chill out.
The spell won't last forever.
And in the meantime, Wyatt's a dead man.
How do you figure? Whenever Chett is torturing me, my only hope is to get in there with an Indian burn or a nipple twister or a taffy pull, distract him long enough to escape.
But if he can't feel pain, I haven't got a chance.
Taffy pull? You guys are getting way too stressed over this.
Chett will never even notice.
[CAR HORN.]
[CHANTING IN MILITARY RHYTHM.]
Sound off.
Sound off.
[GRUNTING.]
[TRUCK IGNITION STARTS.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
Somebody stop that truck! Ah! [CLANK.]
Pretty close there, huh, pal? What the hell? [GASPS.]
I should be dead.
This will probably pop right back out.
[GUNFIRE.]
[SCREAMS.]
Huh? Huh? You know, you gotta work on your aim, lumpy.
What's this? [MUSIC PLAYING.]
Whoa.
What's happening to me? [WHISTLING.]
Electrocuted, run over, shot.
It's as though nothing can hurt me.
But that's impossible.
Or is it? I need some real proof.
[GRUNTS.]
[METAL CLANK.]
[CLANK.]
[CLANK.]
[CLANK.]
These accommodations bite.
You wanted to spy on Chett.
We're spying on Chett.
Yeah.
I feel just like James Bond.
Whose hand is that? Sorry.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'm not hemorrhaging.
I'm invincible.
[LIQUID SLOSHING.]
[GLASS BREAKING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh, what are you looking at? [GLASS BREAKING.]
I saw your sister.
[GLASS BREAKING.]
I think he suspects.
I can't feel my foot.
We're in big trouble.
No, really.
It's all tingly.
REPORTER (ON TV): We interrupt our regularly scheduled program for this special report.
We have just received word that there has been a thwarted robbery attempt on an armored car.
Just what exactly happened during this armored car robbery no one seems to know.
But whoever the lone mystery hero is-- Me-- REPORTER (ON TV): --wherever he may be at this time-- --a hero? REPORTER (ON TV): --he has the thanks of a most-- Outstanding.
REPORTER (ON TV): We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.
So Chett actually used his powers for a good cause, kind of like a superhero.
We're just lucky nobody got that superhero's name.
If people found out about Chett's powers, they might find out about me.
[WHISTLING.]
Uh-oh.
Well, well, if it isn't the lipstick twins.
Where are you off to, Chett? Anywhere interesting? Well, as a matter of fact, I am.
You heard about the mystery hero? It's me.
You stopped a robbery all by yourself? Something happened to me, something strange.
Bullets bounce off me like Captain Invincible.
I think it was this lightning bolt that hit me.
Weird things happen to people who get hit by lightning.
The blind can see.
The deaf can hear.
The dumb get smart again.
Well, you can count on us to keep your little secret.
What secret? I'm going to tell everyone it was me.
I'm finally getting the respect that I deserve.
And you two puke mops are not going to mess it up.
We just want to see you get a lot of respect, the kind of respect Captain Invincible gets.
OK, Wallace.
You got my attention.
Superheroes wear capes and masks.
That's what you need to do.
You want me to dress in some fruity Spandex? Me? [LAUGHS.]
Think about it.
Masks make heroes larger than life, thrilling.
The more mysterious a hero is, the more people worship 'em.
This is stupid.
Oh, yeah? What soldier has a grave and monument all to himself in Washington The Unknown Soldier.
The one with the secret identity.
Do you think Batman dressed up just because he liked the way the tights felt? Superheroes get respect, movie deals, supermodel girlfriends.
Think of it as a uniform.
A uniform, huh? Hmm.
"The Masked Tough Guy.
" "Can't Hurt Him Man.
" "The Star-Spangled Avenger.
" "The Star-Spangled Avenger Man.
" "The Masked Star-Spangled Avenger Man.
" No.
Where's the name that says, I'm the guy to look out for, the name that says, this guy kicks major butt.
That's it! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ZIPS.]
[ZIPS.]
[HEROIC MUSIC.]
[THWACK.]
[RATTLING.]
[CAT YOWLING.]
Only 200 bucks? That's gonna cost you, my friend.
Time to step in the batter's box.
Huh? What? Maybe you'd like to try that out on me first.
Oh, buzz off, flag boy.
[WOOD CLANKING.]
Do me a favor.
Tell your friends about me.
What are you? I'm The Star-Spangled Butt Kicker.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Star-Spangled Butt Kicker? I know it's a mouthful.
But I like it.
POLICEMAN: He's on the left-side of the house.
[SIREN SOUNDING.]
NEGOTIATOR (ON MEGAPHONE): This is your last warning.
Put down your weapons and come out with your hands up.
[GLASS BREAKING.]
Come and get us, chumps.
[GUNFIRE, SHOUTING.]
We got him.
Call in the SWAT team.
Is there anything I can do to help, Lieutenant? I've already got a house full of armed, escaped convicts.
An escaped lunatic I do not need.
I'm here to help.
Hey, hey, hey.
Wait! [HEROIC MUSIC.]
[SHOUTS.]
Dunham, make that the SWAT team and the coroner.
[GUNFIRE.]
[SIRENS.]
[HEROIC MUSIC.]
I don't think they'll be giving you any more problems, Lieutenant.
You're that mystery butt dude, aren't you? Just call me a concerned citizen.
It's you boys in blue who are the real heroes.
[CHEERING.]
Uh-- wouldn't happen to have a towel, would you? You-- you have this body bag ready for you.
Much obliged.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
And, sure, everybody can't grow up to be like the old Star-Spangled Butt Kicker here.
But you could all be heroes in your own way.
Just be the best citizen you can be.
[APPLAUSE.]
Oh, yeah-- and don't do drugs.
Now, who wants autographs? KIDS: Me! Me! Me! Me! He comes off like such a dweeb.
Why is everyone digging on him? He's a hero.
You're not buying into this, take your vitamins and say your prayers, garbage, are you? I don't think it's garbage.
Chett has really changed.
In the last two weeks, he hasn't inflicted so much as a wet-willy on me.
Maybe you are right.
Deep down, maybe Chett really is a good guy.
[TV CONVERSATION.]
Whew.
Oh, what a day.
Dig in, boys.
You brought us pizza? I was over at Casa De Pizza when some hooligan threw a cherry bomb into the toilet.
Luckily, I was in a position to smother the blast.
The owner was so grateful, he have me a free pie.
And you actually thought of us? Thanks, Chett.
This means a lot.
Ah, well, I'm not gonna make a habit of it or anything.
It's just that if the Butt Kicker kept presents for himself, he wouldn't be a hero, that's all.
Gotcha.
[BEEPING.]
Uh-oh.
The Butt Signal.
POLICEMAN (ON RADIO): Mobile 3 requesting immediate backup to Nation Reserve Bank.
We have a hostage situation here.
We need a SWAT team and a negotiator.
Repeat-- we need immediate-- [GUNFIRE.]
get down! Get down! With great power comes great responsibility, which means dinner on the run.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh, God.
It's hot.
Careful.
Oh, ow.
Ow? But he's invincible.
-You don't think-- That it was the spell wearing off? No, he just thought he burned his mouth.
Right.
Yeah, it was psychosomatic.
BOTH: Lisa! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
POLICEMAN: Let's go, let's go! You two back.
[ELECTRICITY.]
(SARCASTIC) Oh, good.
This'll make us inconspicuous.
Yeah, like anyone's gonna buy Lisa is a SWAT commando.
/ Hey, Heather Locklear was on "TJ Hooker" for six years, and nobody blinked.
This is a crime scene.
What are you people doing here? Told you so.
[CHIMES.]
Nothing unusual here.
Nothing unusual here.
We should go about our business.
You should go about your business.
These aren't the droids you're looking for.
These aren't the droids I'm looking for.
[HEROIC MUSIC.]
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
Lieutenant.
Butt Kicker.
We've got hostages in the bank.
You know what to do.
Where you going? I think I'm looking for some droids.
Hey, what are you two doing here? I know, you want to be a hero like your big brother? I'm flattered.
But it's dangerous.
Run along.
Chett, your superpowers are gone.
I don't have time for this.
Chett, I'm serious.
The ma-- the lightning wore off.
Get out of my way.
Aren't you listening? You're not invincible.
Oh, I knew it'd come to this.
Your jealous of me.
You've never been second best.
You've always been the good son.
You're going to get the good job.
You're the one Nanna wants to see at Christmas.
Well, not anymore.
Now you can see how I felt when you potty trained at eight months.
Out of my way.
[SIRENS.]
Eight months? Impressive Yeah, yeah.
I had a knack.
What do we do about Chett? I'll zap the bullets out of the robbers' guns, and nobody will get hurt.
Good thinkin'.
[SCREAMING.]
No, you listen to me.
You get a helicopter down here, or we're gonna start-- [CHETT CLEARING HIS THROAT.]
--tossing bodies out the door.
WOMAN HOSTAGE: Don't hurt me! Starting with this fruit roll.
I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Any to shoot someone.
Look what we have here-- a heaping helping of criminal scum.
Bon appetit, fancy pants.
Now to get rid of the bullets.
Look, guys, "Bewitched"-- [WOOD BLOCKS.]
Pretty impressive, huh? I really gotta work on my nose wiggling, though.
Lisa, pay attention! [GUNFIRE.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GUNFIRE.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SHOUTING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Chett! Speak to me.
Looks like this is it.
No, Chett.
Don't say that.
Come closer.
I have something important to tell you.
You better not touch my stuff.
[BELCHES.]
Lisa, isn't there something you can do? I don't know.
I've never tried bringing someone back to life.
Let's see.
[ELECTRICITY.]
[FAINTS.]
Whoa.
Took long enough for my superpowers to kick in, didn't it? What happened to officer finger-licking good? Passed out from all the excitement.
Well, as soon as I take care of those crooks, I'll give her mouth-to-mouth.
My head feels fluffy.
Lisa, he's going back in.
Zap him.
LISA: Five more minutes, Mom.
You're not going back in.
You're not invincible! Uh, who's gonna stop me? Me.
[THWACK.]
Ow.
That hurt, you little pit whiffer.
I'm gonna-- [GASPS.]
Wait a minute.
That hurt.
That really hurt.
You were right.
My powers must be gone.
I could have gotten killed.
Let's just go home.
Yeah, yeah.
I-- I guess you're right.
No.
No, you guys go.
[GROANS.]
What are you talking about? There are people in there depending on me to save them.
Powerless or not, I can't let them down.
I'm a Marine.
I can't walk away.
Sure, you can.
It's easy.
I do it all the time.
That's not what a hero would do.
Wh-- we-- we shot you.
OK, trouser trap, you've had your fun.
It's time to give it up.
How you gonna stop us? We've still got all the guns.
You talk the talk.
But can you walk the walk? Well, I don't know about the walk.
But I can blast a hole in you wide enough to chuck a monkey.
You could do that.
Or rather, you could try to do that.
But you already shot me-- lots of times.
Bullets don't kill me.
That must mean I'm one bad mother, right? If you want to be technical, we all sort of shot you.
Yeah, right.
Anybody tries to shoot me again, I might get real mad.
And then you know what I'd do? Uh, arrest us? No way.
(WHISPERING) You wish.
Too easy.
Not enough pain involved.
See, I got this little pinkie cut.
And if you shoot it, that might make my owie worse.
That'd really piss me off.
[COCKS GUN.]
It's gun droppin' time, boys.
POLICEMAN: Go, go, go! SQUAD LEADER: Blue team, Red team, let's go.
Go, go, go, go.
Move, move move.
POLICEMAN: Got it.
Let's go.
Get down.
Nice going, Butt Kicker.
I lost my powers.
The Butt Kicker's dead.
No way.
I'm proud of you.
For what, looking like I escaped from the Elton John 4th of July picnic? No, for knowing you could have been killed, but still saving all those people.
You're a real hero.
Thanks.
If you try and hug me, I'll gut ya.
Oh, it's the bank.
Go get me some muffins.
Wee.
Excuse me, everybody.
I've got an announcement to make.
I'm officially retiring from the superhero game.
[AWING.]
No.
I've tried to do my part.
But now, it's time for all of you to do the same.
But fear not, for wherever there is injustice, I'll be there.
Wherever there is oppression and tyranny, I'll be there.
Whenever a man raises a fist against his brother, I'll be there.
I thought you said you were retiring.
In spirit.
I'll be there in spirit.
Moron.
All right, get him up.
Let's go.
[APPLAUSE.]
NARRATOR: After foiling that daring daylight bank heist, the Star-Spangled Butt Kicker melted back into the shadowy midst whence he came.
And while a grateful city slept, the Butt Kicker watched over it, eager to serve mankind, ready to answer the call-- the call of the Butt Signal.
[HEROIC MUSIC.]
[THEME MUSIC.]
THEME SONG: Weird science.
Fantasy and microchips, shooting from the hip, something different.
We're making weird science.
Oh, pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces and bits and pieces, pieces, pieces.
My creation-- is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions?