What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s03e04 Episode Script

1
My name is B.J. Novak. I wanna
tell you about this show I made.
It's a completely different
episode every time.
- Pop culture.
- Sex.
Revenge.
Here it is. Is that it?
That's it.
Attention! The party bus
will be leaving in a moment!
We have a massive backlog
of Vampiric Council business,
and you all pick now to go on a trip?
All work, no play makes
Colin Robinson a dull guy.
Guillermo, there are two missing.
- Great.
- Holiday time!
It has been several
decades since we have taken
an excursion away from our home.
But Sean and Charmaine
Seanie!
Yes, exactly. Sean and
Charmaine from next door
have organized a group getaway
to celebrate their anniversary.
- Yeah.
- And
they've invited us!
For vampires, traveling away
from home can be very difficult.
It's not the same as just flashing
a few papers or wanking
off Morris from steerage.
There's a lot more to it.
Most important rule you must
take with you the homeland
soil of your coffin.
-Without this ancestral earth
- Thank you.
you cannot sleep, you cannot leave,
- Come.
- you cannot hypnotize,
and your powers go
to absolute liquid shit.
Take the soil with me. All of it.
- Tie a knot. Very safe.
- There we are.
Ready to travel!
Some call our destination
a mecca of the depraved.
America's premier nocturnal playground
of hedonistic debauchery.
Sin City, U.S. of A., baby!
Viva Atlantic City ♪
- Viva Atlantic City ♪
- Atlantic City, baby!
- Atlantic City, baby.
- Viva ♪
Not you, Guillermo.
- Viva ♪
- Atlantic ♪
City! ♪
Atlantic City, baby!
Come on, guys, get off the bus!
Yeah!
Here you go, my darling.
Your home away from home.
I'll be honest I'm jealous.
That cot looks pretty sweet.
Really? Do you want to trade?
No, I was just being polite.
It's obviously very shitty.
Thank you for the tiny bed.
I hereby present you, the innkeeper,
with a feather from a female crow,
as is customary amongst travelers.
Uh, sir, sorry, no, this is for you.
- I'll take that, thank you.
- I'm going to spread my soil.
Hey, Nadja, Laszlo, you guys
hitting the skins in there?
Yes, Colin Robinson, we are!
Oh.
Al Qolnidar. ♪
- It smells like shit.
- Okay, so 65% off, Nordstrom Rack.
- No!
- Yes.
- What are you doing?
- Stop.
On my mother.
- Norway? Wow.
- No, well, Nordstrom Rack, yeah.
Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding.
Ding, ding, ding!
Now, anyone who knows me
knows that I am not much for speeches.
- Seanie!
- Hey! There he is!
But, uh, I just want
to say to my wife
That's me.
that I adore you.
Yeah.
I mean, look at us. You
know? It's 11 friends,
all together.
- It's pretty amazing, you know?
- Yeah.
Holy shit. It's just
like Ocean's Eleven!
"What, did you guys get a group rate
- or something?"
- Yes!
I love this woman!
Okay, okay.
I've always been a Twelve man at heart.
But, recently, we rewatched Eleven,
and I have to say that
it's, uh, not just a prequel.
It's, uh it's got a
lot of world-building, too.
All right, let's bring
it up a little bit.
Let's give a shout-out to my best buds.
- My main man Laz.
- Seanie!
To my guy. Frankie, we
played peewee together.
- Frankie!
- Yeah, you remember that?
Hey, Mikey! Wake up! We played
peewee together, too, right?
Oh! Holy shit!
- Mikey!
- What, are you drunk already?!
- Oh, no.
- There's glass in all our food.
- We can't eat it.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
Gizmo, be a good familiar
and fetch a broom.
Well, I'm not a familiar anymore, so
Fetch a broom from the
hostess now, Guillermo.
Ooh, ah.
Cheeky prick.
Yeah, the transition
from familiar to
bodyguard has been, um
not much of a transition, I guess?
Guillermo is no longer a familiar.
So just make him feel
like he's part of the team.
No, no, Nandor is right. I mean,
at every office I've worked at,
they always say, "We're
a big family here."
And it does motivate
people to work harder
and neglect their actual families
- and put up with all sorts of degrading shit.
- Okay.
They are going to
bring a mop and a broom.
Oh.
Hmm?
Um
Hello, Guillermo.
Um, do you have any, um
- interests?
- That's a great question.
I was wondering that, too.
- Do I have any interests?
- Hmm.
- Yes, of course I
- Wow!
- Very cool.
- He's got interests
and he knows what's interesting.
- Yeah. I've got interests, too.
- Hmm.
It's important.
- Okay.
- We are the same.
- All with interests.
- Mm.
Uh, you've got interests, don't you,
- Colin Robinson?
- I like to walk around.
- I like to stare.
- Did I
- did I miss something?
- We're all a big family here.
- Right.
- These interests that you have,
do they involve the fairer sex?
I'm not gonna do that.
- I'm not talking
- Guillermo, do you have yourself
a little cutie, chubby
little girlfriend?
Why does she have to be
chub You know what
- Maybe a boyfriend?
- Yes. Have you got
a little secret, you little sick fuck?
Yeah, come on, you stinky
bitch. The library is open.
Definitely not gonna talk about
- Oh, one of each, you dirty dog.
- Ooh, yes, he does.
No, I I just I guess I grew
up in a family where, you know,
talking about your
private life is that.
- It's private.
- Oh, please.
Do you know what the most
beautiful thing in the world is?
What?
Fucking.
The kaleidoscopic entwining
of limbs and genitalia.
Men, women. Women, men.
Women, women, women,
women, men, men, men, men.
Anything gets me hard.
Sometimes it's a problem.
Not to me.
Everyone fucks and sucks,
- thousands of chaps and chap-esses
- Mm.
before they meet the
one. But if they're lucky,
they can go off and fuck
millions of others, like we do.
Don't think that was
the case with my parents.
Tell us more about that.
You really want to know?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
Uh, well, yeah.
It is tough. I mean, I
remember being ten or 11
when I first realized that I was
Frankie put glass in the piccata
and the restaurant comped us,
so we got all these chips.
Let's hit the casino.
- All right.
- Come on, Nadia. Let's go watch this Rat Pack show
- with the girls.
- Did you say "the Rat Pack"?
- Yeah, they're good.
- They're here?
Yeah, yeah, it's the Rat Pack.
Chips ahoy!
Yeah!
Atlantic City, baby!
- We're actually seeing the Rat Pack?
- Yeah!
I couldn't bloody believe it
when Charmaine said we
were seeing the Rat Pack.
I mean, what a coincidence.
My old mateys, performing here, tonight!
Oh, we used to have such fun together.
Hanging with the who's who of the local
Cosa Nostra in the back room.
What can I say?
We were just a bunch of night cats,
and nobody was playing for keeps.
I used to scream,
"Ain't That a Kick in the Head!"
at every show because it was
my favorite number and also,
you know, what a stupid name for a song.
Frankie used to say that
they should callme the Voice.
He'd say, uh,
"Nadja, I don't know
what's more of a problem,
your voice or my taste in blondes."
- Cheers, ladies!
- I love alcohol.
I have to drink it. Um, num, num, num.
Okay, here they they are!
Frankie! Deanie!
Oh, this is amazing for me!
It's me, Nadja! Hello!
How lucky can one guy be? ♪
Oh, wow. I mean, they
haven't changed at all.
Nadja from Antipaxos! Hello!
They did say, uh,
"Ring-a-ding-ding" a lot.
- Ring-a-ding-ding!
- Which is one of their catchphrases.
It's Nadja! Do you remember?!
All right.
But, you know, crooners gonna croon.
Tell me quick ♪
Ain't that a kick ♪
In the head ? ♪
Oh, boy. All right.
We got some live ones tonight.
So, who do you guys
favor for Monday night's fight?
I understand
you're indicating that
you want me to proceed.
But I'm still assessing my cards,
which is within my right.
Rodriguez, of course, has that uppercut.
But Jackson has the reach.
70 inches. That's no slouch.
Yes.
He hasn't moved for hours.
I've actually never seen
him like this, to be honest.
Let's go. Come on.
I am playing a game called
The Big Bang Theory game.
So hypnotic.
Really has me in its grips.
Two Leonards and a Raj.
I need three Rajs! Again.
I won!
Bazinga !
"Bazinga" is the war cry of Sheldon,
their tall leader.
I haven't seen them in so long.
Frankie, Deanie,
Sammy, my sweet paisans.
It's me,
it's your "luck be a lady"!
- Oh.
- Oh,
you were the aces of clubs tonight.
Ring-a-ding-ding!
There it is!
I don't think it's
gonna be a classic match.
Anyway, it Let's see.
We got a six and a fi
I don't really know how to play this.
- Come on, Sheldon.
- Yeah, I know they're still having fun,
but it's almost sunrise.
It's very important for a bodyguard
to be on top of when
it's time for nap-naps.
Do it for me, Raj.
They get a little aggravated
- when they don't get their night
- Fucking game!
See?
- Time for night-night.
- Come on. Guillermo, not now.
Give me more quarters.
- I need more quarters.
- No, I think
- I think it's time for night-night.
- No.
The sun is about to come up.
- You can't make me.
- Aw. Come on.
- No, these are my new friends.
- We should go.
- This way. Over here. This way.
- What does this one do?
No, it doesn't do anything.
I still cannot slumber.
Colin Robinson, are you slumbering?
No. And stop asking me.
Are you slumbering in there?!
We are having a very hard
time trying to slumber!
Yes, we are also unable to slumber!
Guillermo, are you slumbering?
Guillermo.
Guillermo, wake up! I asked
you, are you slumbering?
What is this?
Oh, shit.
Shit. No.
Shit. Shit!
My ancestral soil!
It is gone!
Our ancestral soil is also gone!
What the piss in hell is happening?!
You know how it is when you have
the binge-watch blinders on.
I got caught up in a show
that I'm obsessed with,
and they only air it here at the hotel.
Roll the dice ♪
Spin that wheel ♪
Anyway, housekeeping came in, and
I-I didn't notice what she was doing.
The sushi's raw ♪
Catch a show and hit the spa. ♪
- This is very bad.
- "Very bad"?!
This is a fucking catastrophe!
If our ancestral soil is gone,
then we cannot rest! If we cannot rest,
then our powers
I can't even say it.
Our powers are poof! Gone!
I can feel my powers fading.
Bat!
A fucking sparrow.
The lamest of all birds.
There is but one solution.
Guillermo,
you must go on a journey,
a quest.
How do you feel about that?
Uh
Good. Will the roads
- be treacherous?
Yes. - Yes. - Yes!
- Maybe I shouldn't
- Will there be foes at every turn?
- Most certainly.
- Yes. Yes.
- I have a lot of enemies.
- Don't like that.
But you are the only
one that can save us.
Are you man enough?
Uh
Good.
- He's my best friend.
- Please.
No, I'm your best friend.
My hypnosis powers are buggered.
So I have to look elsewhere
to secure Gizmo's travel money.
Could this ruin the greatest
friendship of my life?
- Seanie!
- Hey.
Hey, Laz. What are you
doing?! Get the "D" back!
I need to borrow your credit
card and not tell you why.
You can't tell me why
you need to borrow my credit card?
No explanation necessary.
- Really?
- You're my best friend.
Oh, Marone. Are you kidding me?
Fucking Knicks. They'll
break your heart every time.
But I can't quit 'em.
You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- Hey, listen, you're gonna have
to pay me back, like,
right away. ASAP, okay?
'Cause the Patrick Ewing
commemorative Discover Card,
that's for emergencies only.
Get it back soon. Listen, I trust you.
You're my main man. I'd die for you.
Thanks again.
Yeah, I know that collecting
dirt is shit work, but
I've never been to Europe before, so
- Seanie.
- Yeah.
The past 20 years have
not always been easy.
We are trapped in an eternal limbo
at the Monaco Grand
Hotel and Casino facility.
our roses and our thorns.
Oh, look at that.
Oh, she already drank so much.
Our powers are waning, and our minds
are turning into a thick, lumpy soup.
Yes, you have to say you're
It is like hot onion water.
And then you put that in my
head and that's my brain now.
In the name of Jesus Christ.
As the pages fall from the calendar,
we can do nothing but wait
No!
amongst the broken tulips
in the Garden State.
Vow renewal ceremonies.
Too long. They're too long.
And I pronounce you man and wife.
Pointless.
It has been weeks since any of us
have had even a moment of slumber.
It's actually been only, like, 14 hours,
but they get a little punchy
when they don't get their sleep.
Three, two, one.
- Cheese.
- Cheese. Let's do it.
Cheese!
Okay, here we are
in jolly ole England.
I'm in London, mate.
Oh, that's not good.
Just got to get this dirt.
So I'm gonna put you guys down here.
I'm just here for
British dirt for Laszlo.
All right.
Back on the plane.
- This Big Bang Theory is really very good.
- Bazinga.
Very faithful to the slot machine.
- Yeah.
- For the last time,
can you turn this TV down?!
Laszlo can be a real Leonard sometimes,
- can't he?
- Mm-hmm.
Laszlo is feeling very
badly for taking $7,539
from Sean for the airplane tickets.
Like a cheap thief.
- I need to sort this
- Yeah.
and I need to sort it now.
Bazinga!
Shut up!
What are you doing, playing
Ping-Pong or basketball?!
- Come on!
- Seanie
Yeah. Hey, Laz.
Good to see you.
Fuck! Fuck me!
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Learn how to use the board!
Geez
Are you okay?
Listen, Laz, can I be honest with you?
Of course.
I used to have a
big-time gambling problem.
- Right.
- Like, big-time. You know, I promised Charmaine,
you know, I said, "Hey,
listen, we go down to AC,
- I'll be good this time."
- Right.
And then I have just blown all the money
that we were gonna use for the new deck.
And we still owe money for
that stupid vow renewal.
And I've lost all of our money.
There's no money, Laz.
I got to make it back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
She's gonna leave me, Laz.
She's gonna leave me.
Yeah, yeah.
What good is some
soil from your homeland
when your best friend in
the whole world is suffering?
Seanie !
And then it hit me.
I know a few bambinos who are
absolutely rolling in the dough-re-mi.
Surely they won't miss a few clams.
Oh, this has been such a scream,
catching up with
you old so-and-sos.
Unfortunately, I cannot hypnotize them
due to my weakened state. But
I can definitely use my
greatest non-vampiric power,
my irresistible charms.
How's about you guys give
me all the money you have?
- Hey, boys?
- I don't think so, sugar.
You don't think so?
Well, I do think so!
'Cause if you don't empty your
motherfucking wallets right now,
I'm going to empty all
of you of your lives!
Kill you! Kill you dead!
That's right.
Uh
Just do it. She's not well.
- Yeah.
- Here you go, sugar.
My sweet maraschino cherry babies.
- Bye.
- Yeah.
- Laszlo, get the fuck out of here.
- Yeah, yeah. I say, Mr. Sinatra,
forgive me, my mind's
a little foggy, but
last time I looked,
you weren't Chinese.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
I stand corrected.
You guys work with those
people? I need that dough.
Here we go.
Okay.
$20.
$100. What?
This is about $300.
- Oh, fucking
- 300 shitting dollars!
My darling, don't explode,
but are you quite sure
they're the real Rat Pack
that you met years ago?
What exactly are you trying to say?
Nothing. All good.
Hello. I'm in Greece.
Aeropuerto airport can
we go to the airport, please?
Thank you.
Hey.
Look at that.
You got a couple Koothrappalis,
a Hofstadter, and four Wolowitzes.
Oh, and Penny. Not bad.
Do you know what I have been
wondering, Colin Robinson?
- What's that?
- Why do they call it The Big Bang Theory?
It's about the creation of the universe.
The what?
And in a single instant,
my world was turned upside down.
hence the
Shaminovich-Cohen conjecture.
I-I gave him the broad strokes,
the heliocentric nuts and bolts,
uh, if you will.
Has nothing to do with
cats, like you thought.
But what about the four elephants?
For 750 years,
I believed I knew the truth:
that the Earth rested upon the shoulders
of four mighty elephants
Forget about the four elephants.
who stood on a shell
of a large and noble turtle.
Look at the turtle.
- Uh-huh.
- And then four more elephants.
around which the sun and the
moon and all the stars revolve.
But now, thanks to modern science,
Nandor understands that we're
all just temporary aggregations
of dust and fluid
camping out on a big rock
that's just one of an infinite number
of equally unspecial
big rocks that make up part
of this vast and uncaring universe.
This is science.
But this is a turtle.
The world which I have known
for seven and a half centuries
is a lie.
Okay, so we're here at the border,
and he's just talking to the soldier.
While he's doing that, I'm gonna go
Okay.
Just gonna get some dirt right here.
Just gonna get
We got to go.
Hours pass,
but the cosmic words of Colin Robinson
are still bouncing around
my slumberless head.
Really makes you think.
What's the point of it all?
What does it mean to be a vampire?
I mean, we have no real families.
Some of us don't even have girlfriends.
Even Sheldon had a girlfriend.
But me? I am all alone,
floating through the
cold, dark universe like
a little grain of furry sand.
I got 'em.
One, two, three.
- I got them al
- Something to drink?
No, thank you!
I'm back! And I brought every
What happened here?
I have caused my best human friend Sean
to be on the brink of
financial ruin and heartache.
We are just like my beloved Rat Pack
once glorious, now pathetic peasants.
And, also, I have never felt
so small, and what is
the point of anything?
They won't let me watch my
favorite TV show with the sound up.
Okay.
First things first, you need to slumber.
- Huh?
- Here you go. And while you're slumbering,
- I'll think of a plan.
- But, first,
scatter the soil around
our insignificant bodies.
No. First, turn up the sound
on my fancy casino show.
Roll the dice ♪
Spin that wheel ♪
Double down on a lucky deal ♪
Feel the breeze where ♪
The boardwalk meets the shore ♪
Before we get started,
should we go around the group,
see how everyone's energy is doing?
- No. Fuck off.
- Okay. Back to normal then.
So, at 6:47, I'm gonna
go down to the box office.
I'm gonna buy our tickets for the fight.
- Yes, Guillermo, we've got it.
- Okay, okay.
- Just want to make sure everyone knows what the plan is.
- Honestly,
sometimes I just think you love
the sound of your own voice.
You know what? Let's go.
Let's let's do the plan.
I wasn't really listening, so if
you wouldn't mind repeating it.
Master, what are you gonna do?
I am to meet my mark
Eli Jackson the boxer
by the main elevator
at 6:52 in the p.m.'s.
Shit.
Going down.
Into my hypnotic trance.
- Laszlo?
- At 6:55,
I hypnotize "Arturio" Rodriguez.
Mr. Rodriguez, could I have
a self-portrait photograph?
Splendid.
Piece of piss.
It is 6:59.
Time to place a nice, simple bet.
Hello!
And in the red corner,
- heavyweight champion
- At 8:00 p.m., we all take our seats
at the fight.
Ten seconds into round six,
I trigger the hypnosis of the two
very large warrior men by crying out
Ain't that a kick in the ♪
Head ? ♪
No!
- It worked!
- Yes!
- Look at that!
- Yes!
And that is why Frankie said
that I should be the Voice.
23
Benjamin Franklin.
A lot of people think he was president.
They're wrong. He was an ambassador.
24 Stay with me.
Stay I
Shoot. Now I lost my spot.
- Uh, how does it ?
- You have to step on it.
- I'm on. I'm on!
- Just
- What is happening? Am I flying?
- Just hold on to this.
- Possessed by witches.
- Nadja, turn around, turn around.
- Jump, jump, jump, jump.
- Keep moving. Leap.
There he is. Sean.
Hey, Laz. What's going on?
A gentleman's debt,
repaid in full.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
Laz, you're a lifesaver!
Thank you. You don't
know what you just did.
I could kiss you. And I promise you,
I'm never, ever, ever
gonna do this again.
- I promise you guys. That's it. I'm done.
- Mm.
- I'm never gambling again. I'm a new man.
- Good.
- Good man.
- All right. You guys are lifesavers.
- Oh, thank God.
- We just did such a wonderful thing, my love.
I think we did.
Put it all on lucky number 12!
Life spins like a wheel ♪
You bet ♪
Just what you feel ♪
The chance ♪
Life is the chance ♪
I didn't want a pine
deck, and now I'm stuck
with a freakin' pine deck.
Oh, that's a hell of a beaver.
- Charmaine
- What the fuck? You bet the deck?
You did a very good job, Guillermo.
Oh. Thank you.
This is from all of us.
What-what is this?
Surprise.
"You are a very good familiar."
And "familiar" is crossed out
and replaced with "bodyguard."
- You are the bodyguard.
- Bodyguard.
We're all a big family here.
With the turn of a card
and the flip of a coin ♪
You're in love ♪
With the turn of a card, ha ♪
Flip of a coin, ha ♪
Ha, love! ♪
I did not have sexual
relations with that woman.
I think this is gonna be the perfect
place to work without distraction.
This place inspires us.
We're not safe here.
It takes pain to make beautiful things.
I'm trying to keep his family together
under very difficult circumstances
You're probably wondering
what we're doing.
Short answer, saving the earth.
Again.
I'm not leaving without you.
I need something soft to land on.
We've heard rumors
that some men survived.
Those people will jump at anything
that has a whiff of conspiracy.
So you'd better be sure.