Wizards of Waverly Place s03e04 Episode Script

Oh, my gosh, she did it.
The vampire took all the jelly out of this donut.
And no weight gain because you're dead.
The jelly does kind of look like blood.
Yeah, that's why vampires always carry jelly donuts.
- [chuckles.]
You're awesome.
- I know.
And I don't say that to any 'cause they're all monsters.
I mean, there was a centaur, a werewolf.
Well, I'm a vampire.
Yeah, but you have normal feet.
Oh, that's true.
OK, I gotta ask you something.
Why would someone be dating my brother? Well, I find that cooler than your boyfriend, he'll never dump you.
[both.]
Ohh! OK, now I have a question.
When you turn to a bat, where do your clothes go? You know, you're not really you're going [screams.]
Yeah, well, when you spend as much time making dresses like this you want to know where they're going.
Wait, that's actually your dress? Oh, I thought you were selling pens, I'm sorry.
[laughs.]
I know! [humming.]
Oh! - Hey, Juliet.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? I really wish I could hang out, but I have a ton of to do, sostudying No, that's fine.
I with Alex and Harpert and show them the jelly donut thing with the That was actually She did the whole - With the? Ah! - Uh-huh.
You know, I think are hanging out together.
I mean, my sister, my girlfriend, and Your ex-girlfriend.
It's OK.
You can say it, dear.
- We're all cool here.
- [clears throat.]
OK, whatever you guys do, just, uh, don't do too much talking about me.
There's a lot to talk about but keep it to a minimal OK.
- Justin, we're not talk- [grunts.]
you! I was just I was just checkin', you know.
Gotta go! gonna be a breeze * * Well, you know everything's * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please it'll go to your head * * But you might find out * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * OK, Max, let's try some spells.
Look, you're my conscience.
You're not the boss of me, so just tell me what to do and keep quiet.
OK.
All right, schoolyard spells sound cute and innocent, but they can be very dangerous.
That's why you practice them on a spell dummy.
You're calling me a dummy? No.
I said "spell dummy.
" Fine.
D-U M-M Y.
Now I'm calling you a dummy.
Good.
Now that we've got that straightened out, let's get to the spell, shall we? Liar, liar, pants on fire! [grunts.]
Max, how many times have I told you not to do magic in the living room! As many times as I've done it? I'm sorry, I've been on his wizard studies.
k Really? Well, that's great.
What else have you been doing? He's been tricking me into spelling things.
Wow! You've been helping him with his magic and schoolwork? And don't worry, he cleans this mess up.
Oh, you're like the son I don't regret having.
Oh, she means Justin! [beeping.]
Monster hunter Justin Russo, on the lookout for monster activity.
Yeah, you better just be a hydrant.
[clears throat.]
So far, all seems quiet.
- Perhaps a little - [alarm beeping.]
My monster alarm ruined it! My monster alarm ruined it! There's three monsters I gotta call this in! Wait! I sounded panicky! [deepens voice.]
I've got to call this in.
[shrieks.]
What was the number? - Ah! - [dialing.]
Wizard Education Department, Rudy Tootietootie speaking.
How could I help you? Uh, yes, this is, junior monster hunter.
[grunts.]
I love the way that sounds! I would like to report three unrin my sector, sir.
Three monsters? That's very good for a junior monster hunter.
Your mother must be very proud.
My mother says my head's too square.
I think your head svery nicely, sir.
rs Thank you.
Now, when your monster detector went off, what was the code that came up? Uh, I believe it was the letters R-U-N.
What does that stand for? Nothing.
It spells "run".
You've got level six monsters on your hands.
This is well beyond the scope of your independent study.
We're going to send in professional monster hunters.
I get to work wmonster hunters? [chuckles.]
Sweet! We'll send our two best guys to capture the monsters.
What? Really? They were swallowed whole? Yeesh! We'll send our second-best guys, who I guess now officially are our best guys.
Goodbye.
That kid is gonna be inside of an hour.
What are we gonna do? I don't know what to do.
What do I have to do? Sir, you're still on the phone with me.
Oh.
[laughs.]
I wasn't talking about you.
I was talking about another bone necklace.
How do I hang this thing up?! It sure is quiet in here.
Yeah.
When my dad's out of town, I sometimes forget to put the open sign up.
But I'll probably remember around 3:00, after everybody out there's already had lunch.
There's level six monsters on Waverly Place! Everyone stay calm.
[groans.]
Everyone, take preparedness plan that I prepared in the fifth grade.
No, no, no! Justin, what's going on? There's three monsters on Waverly Place.
I detected them aMonster Hunter Council.
- Wait.
Three monsters? - Yes! On Waverly Place? That's exactly what I said.
Hey, you know who you should tell that to? Your vampire girlfriend and her two vampire parents that live on Waverly Place.
You're right! Because the three monsters could catch them too! Just tell him.
You turned in your girlfriend to the Monster Hunter Council.
What?! [scoffs.]
No, I didn't.
[alarm blaring.]
Oh, no! Hey, who wants to see me empty a calzone? What's going on? I accidentally reported you and your family - to the Monster Hunter - You did what?! Well, hey, let's see you do that calzone trick thing.
I I want to see it.
[nervous chuckle.]
Wait, monster hunters are coming? They're gonna put me in monster jail forever! Which is a long time, because I live forever.
You finally get a girlfriend with normal feet and then you report her to the Monster Hunter Council? I'm sorry, Juliet.
that you were a monster.
Because you're so pretty and smart and you don't eat spiders in front of me.
Anymore.
After that one time.
Eww! I've gotta do something before the monster hunters get here.
OK, look, look, look! messed something up, putting the woman he loves in danger, which doesn't surprise me but curiously affects me because I kind of like this girl, so will everybody just calm down! Alex Russo's on it.
Alex, this was my mistake, she is my girlfriend, - and I'm gonna fix it.
- No.
After what you did, that whole girlfriend thing is hanging by a thread, so I'll fix it.
We'll fix it.
I'm gonna go block the portal door to buy us some time hunters get here.
r Oh, hey, that's number five preparedness plan, but I guess you can skip a few steps.
Thank you for reading the plan, Harper.
And there's no future for us.
OK, um All right, let's put our heads together and think of something.
Grab a marker, ladies.
Let's start writing.
OK, well, we should start by getting rid of my scent 'cause that's what the monster hunters are gonna be coming after.
Mmm, you smell like vanilla.
Yeah, I wear that to disguise the smell of death and decay.
Well, this dress made of non-toxic permanent markers is pretty smelly.
I could make you one.
What are your 50 favorite colors? Harper, no.
We don't have time for that.
But we do have time for this.
I'm rubber, you're glue.
Take her smell and put it on you.
Great.
Now the monster hunters will be chasing Harper.
- Yes! - Wait, what?! Well, what happens if they catch me? Oh, no, don't worry.
They'll find out you're a human impersonating a monster, and then they'll throw you back like a little fish.
I think.
I've got it! I'm a monster hunter.
They're coming after three monsters, so all I have to do is find three monsters other than Juliet and her family.
I fixed it! No! You just made a plan.
That's not fixing it.
I did something constructive.
I sent my best friend off to her possible doom.
Juliet, where did you get that dress? You know, actually, it looks really good on you.
- Aww! - You know what? I was going to be a lady about this, but let's go! I want my dress back! Strip it down, sister! OK! OK, you guys, calm down.
We have a couple of hours to find some monsters before the actual monster hunters get here, OK? - [cell phone rings.]
- I gotta get this.
Hello? Hmm Hey there.
I'm Luxor.
This is Dr.
Ice.
We're professional monster hunters.
No, no! We were actually recently voted, uh, - best in the business.
- That's not true.
The other guys were swallowed whole.
Shh! Everyone loves us! We're the best.
Someone barricaded your wizard portal.
We were worried it might be monsters, so we came through the phone.
Lucky you guys get pretty good reception down here.
Sometimes it's just half of us, maybe an ankle.
- Whoa, what's going on? Who are these guys? - They're monster hunters.
I seem to be picking up a level six.
Masked with vanilla.
That spells vampire.
Man, I hate those guys.
Their breath is like a punch in the face! No.
It's on me.
It's all over me.
- [screams.]
- Come on, Luxor! Let's get her! Max is folding his own laundry? You're amazing.
What What did you do? Forget it.
Just Just thank you, thank you.
I'm only doing the folding.
Don't I deserve a hug? Sure! Maybe later.
I don't want to slow you down.
He also made his bed.
- You found his bed? - Yep.
I just peeled back the mold and there it was.
I'm baking you cookies, dude.
- What do you like? - Oatmeal.
- I like chocolate chip.
- Shh! Keep folding.
I'm out of oatmeal, but for you I'm gonna run to the store.
Max, if you want a snack there's a pot of beans on the stove.
[guffaws.]
Oh, I know what you're trying to do.
You're not giving me advice.
You're trying to steal my mother away from me.
Max, we have the same mother.
I'm your conscience.
Not anymore.
You're fired.
You can't fire me.
Ah, you should've thought of that before you tried to steal away my mother.
Look, I'm the third favorite in this house and no one is taking that away.
Max, I can't go anywhere.
Fine.
If you're not gonna go, then I'm gonna do my best to get away from you as soon as possible.
As your conscience, I don't think that's the right thing to do.
Yeah.
You know, you're probably right.
But I'm doing it anyway.
OK, are you still mad at me? Because I'm about to go out there and capture three new monsters and might not make it back.
Now you don't have to say anything, but if you're mad at me, you should kiss me.
If you're not mad at me, you should still kiss me.
[sighs.]
OK, well, only because you reminded me you might not be coming back, I'll give you a medieval friendship grip.
Oh.
- Ahem.
- We're in here! Can't you knock? [Justin shudders.]
Yeah, sorry to interrupt your weird display of affection, but, Justin, you don't have to go looking for three more monsters because I already found them.
[stammers.]
Great.
Uh, where are they? Well, when the monster hunters eventually catch Harper they'll realize that she's not a monster and they'll bring her back here where they will find * Ta-da-da-da! these three real monsters! It was dark in there.
This is never gonna work, Alex.
You're just upset because you didn't think of it.
No, I'm upset because there's only two things here.
This is FrankenGirl, a monster I created.
Hi, Daddy! [chuckles.]
A robot, which I also created.
And the third monster is, oh, look Nothing! This is never gonna work.
Well, you guys have done a great job trying to fix this, but, um I'm gonna go hide because of the great job you've done trying to fix this.
Juliet! - [squeaking.]
- I'll make this right, Juliet, I promise.
[screaming.]
Markers, markers, go away, hey! All right, good news.
I think I lost them.
You know, you probably could've ditched that outfit in the bushes and then they'd stop chasing you.
Here's an idea: next time you want to involve me in one of your spells, do something less painful, like hit me in the head with a hammer.
- [cell phone rings.]
- Oh! That's me.
I gotta get that.
Excuse me, guys.
- [both.]
No! - Hello! Hey! Got here a lot quicker.
You're on speed dial now.
There's the monster.
Blast her! - Hold on! - I'm not a monster! They all say that.
That's a monster trick.
Blast her! Not a monster.
Sure does smell like a monster, though.
Yeah.
Wow! [sniffs.]
You know, maybe it's us.
We've been running around a ton today.
Well, I guess we better keep hunting for the three monsters.
No, you don't, you don't have to keep hunting, because they're right here.
Three monsters.
Yep, see? One two-three! OK, you can leave.
Take them.
Bye! [rapid beeping.]
- [FrankenGirl chuckles.]
- Excellent.
A homemade jobber.
You don't see those that often.
Oh! [groans.]
- [rapid beeping.]
- Another monster.
A robot monster from the future.
So, where's the third monster? There's not three? [chuckles.]
I know there's three.
He's around here somewhere.
Invisi-Monster, where are you, you invisible monster? Here I am! I'm the monster.
Max, what are you doing? I'm sick and tired of me doing all the work and Mom giving Conscience all the credit, so I've decided to live in a monster jail for the rest of my life.
As you can see, I've pretty much lost control.
Take me away.
- There's your monster! Get him! - Get him, get him, get him! - [rapid beeping.]
- [buzzer sounds.]
That's not a monster, it's just a boy.
Look, there it is! Well, a watermelon with a wig.
I've heard about these bad boys.
[grunts.]
They have to be put down right away.
Justin, can Luxor and I speak to you for a second? Yeah.
[clears throat.]
I think I know what's going on here.
- I'm dating a vampire.
- What? What?! Nothing! Vampire bites would hurt.
I mean, owwie! Look, I was a junior monster hunter once myself.
You wanted to catch all three monsters before we got here to impress us.
I get it.
Yeah, but you only got two of the monsters so you tried to pass off the watermelon as a third monster.
Genius! Listen, we're gonna let it slide this one time.
Could I have your phone? - Thanks.
- [phone beeps.]
Transport.
Yeah, we got a two plus two situation.
Us plus two monsters.
Read the manual! No, seriously, I think there is one.
OK.
Justin, our fake monsters just disappeared.
Uh, no, the monster hunters took them to monster jail.
Great! I'll go tell Juliet.
I'll tell Juliet, she's my girlfriend.
Well, she's my friend.
[annoyed grunt.]
You are friends with my girlfriend.
Look, I know, I'm just as freaked out as you are.
- Let's just not talk about it.
- OK.
We'll tell her together.
- OK.
Fine.
- OK.
Fine.
[Alex.]
No! It worked! You guys did it.
I kind of wish I had caught three real monsters, though.
I would've gotten a trophy.
Well, I guess my trophy's right here.
do not objectify me.
of the 21st century, Justin, as a woman of years before that been alive for thousands But as a woman who's - [laughs.]
- Oh, come here, you! on the hug there.
your hand's a little low Hey, uh, Justin, - No, that's just me.
- Oh.