Workaholics s03e04 Episode Script

Man, this summer kickoff party's gonna be, like, mtv beach house throwback status.
Daisy Fuentes's butt-cheeks are just gonna be flowing - in the wind.
- Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! - That wasn't racist, was it? - She had s--that's a good one.
- It was a little.
- Okay, well.
- It was a little racist.
- Hey, uh, dirk to blaze.
Any sign of what's clogging the drain, my main man? Negative, dude.
I do see a barbeque down here, though, and a suitcase full of your clothes.
I'm almost to the drain.
It's 2 meters.
How's the air quality down there? It's okay, it's all right.
But I could use a blow of the dro, sir.
Blowing dro.
He's blowing dro now.
Over.
I just blew the dro.
Blew the dro.
Hey, blaze, come on, man.
Any sign of what's clogging the drain? That's affirmative.
There's something Oh, my God, guys! You're not gonna believe this.
[Beat-boxing.]
I'm fresh [Beat-boxing.]
You gotta you gotta - You gotta, gotta - Gotta be fresh Gentledudes, before you lies a fierce beast known to suck the brains out of humans and goats, driven from their habitat during the construction of the Rancho Garden Mall in '98.
Heck, the scientists thought they moved up north.
But I had a different hypothesis.
Looks like I was right.
I give you The Rancho Chupacabraj.
No, that is definitely our neighbor mark's dog ambush.
Covered in some of your hair and possibly jizz.
Not mine, though.
It's a Chupacabraj.
I can't believe you're carrying around a dead animal.
Well, I can't just leave this priceless artifact at home.
What happens if, like, Nicolas cage rolls through the neighborhood and steals this national treasure? Whatever.
Let's stick to the mission, stromies.
- We need some, like, pool toys.
- Yes.
Chicks are like cats, dude.
If you don't keep their attention, they'll wait for--on-- on top of the refrigerator.
- Yep.
- Welcome, gentlemen, to Tez's summer blowout special.
I got everything you need.
Games for the Dreamcast, Playstation One, and free smoovies.
'Cause white folks love smoovies.
- Smoovies? - That's what I said.
- Smoovies.
- With a "v"? Smoothies! Wait, what do y'all want? We're actually looking for pool toys and whatnot - and what have you.
- Pool toys.
Let me check my inven-- you know what? Can I interest you boys in some straw cowboy hats? Oh, that's a great idea.
Whenever chicks wear straw cowboy hats, they turn into sex cattle, man.
And cowgirl butts - Just get my thing hard.
- Mm-hmm.
Could you just show us to the pool supplies? All right, it's or this way, and-- Waymond, you touch it, you bought it.
Come on.
He has the Space Jam soundtrack.
Whoa, dudes, check this out.
All: Damn! - Aw, yeah.
- What? That's the hover beast hovercraft.
Colleen won that in a Tropicana bikini contest.
Four-blade warp drive prop.
- And it's all yours for $500.
- Dude.
If we get this thing, man, it'll vault our party into the most awesomest maximus event of the summer.
- Ah, brain freeze.
- Montez Walker - on the invite list? - Never.
How about I give you $200? [Laughing.]
Y'all talk about that.
No, no, no, no, no.
We can't spend that much money, because then we won't have enough money for the cowboy hats, and if we don't have cowboy hats, how am I gonna save a horse, ride a cowgirl? If we have a hovercraft, we don't need cowboy hats.
- Yeah.
- Hovercrafts are aphrodisiacs.
They're basically oysters of the ocean.
Yummy.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Plus, you know what? We could charge people money to ride on the hovercraft and also money to take pictures with the Chupacabraj.
At this point now, we're making money.
We're making money off our party.
Guys, we could just buy it and return it next week.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
I heard that.
No refunds around here.
- All sales final.
- How did he hear that? $450, plus you throw in all the straw cowboy hats we can eat, and that's a deal.
And whatever's in arm's reach.
- And this--this suit.
- Whoa, cool! - Sold! - Okay! - Yes! - But you be careful in that suit.
It's powerful.
It makes women just [Swooning.]
.
They just [Swooning.]
Waymond! Get over here and get a sendoff picture - like we at the Saturn dealer.
- There we go.
- All right.
- Charge that to the game.
[Chirp.]
Cool.
All right, Ders, fire this puppy up.
- Whoo! - You got it! [Laughing.]
Here we go.
- Land-ho! - Ahoy! All: [Screaming.]
Oh, captain, this is going down! I don't like when your mom visits.
She's always flirting with me.
She's got those big titties like you.
- No sale! - What in the [bleep.]
is going-- We want our $450 back, because the hovercraft you sold us catches fire way too easily.
I told y'all no refunds.
Ain't that right, way-way? - He heard me.
- We don't want refunds.
We want our money back so we can buy a hovercraft that actually flies.
- Mm-hmm.
- In the water.
- Wat--water flight.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's right.
Our pool party's ruined.
Now it's just guys with cowboy hats squirting each other.
That's bad.
- And? - Well We'll sue you.
We'll take everything you've got.
- That's a really good idea.
- Thanks.
That's why he's the brains of the operation.
You want to get judge Joe brown on it? You want some judge Judy up your booty? You better lawyer up.
- You better lawyer up.
- Lawyer up - You better lawyer up! - There's no lawyers - in small claims court.
- What? - Then lawyer down, okay? - Yeah, so lawyer down.
You know what? We're gonna see you in court, man.
- See you there.
- No, we will.
- We'll see you in court.
- Oh, well, bring it.
Yeah, fine, we will bring it.
- Fine, then.
- Mm.
Yo, what the [bleep.]
you did right there? That's my cactus! You want to go in the [bleep.]
garbage can? - Sorry.
- Sorry, jet set.
We thought it was his cactus.
We didn't know.
Now y'all get out of my house.
Have a good day.
Move it along, people.
We got a big-time lawyer coming through.
Guys, I applied to law school.
I didn't even get accepted anywhere.
Well, that's not true.
You got accepted in our hearts.
No homo, pro bono.
That's a lawyer term, right? I'm gonna say it again.
I have no idea.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't understand how you don't know, because you've seen every episode of Franklin & Bash.
- Who hasn't? - That's true.
That's a good show.
Really good show.
Ders, you have a briefcase.
Use that.
I do have a briefcase.
We bought a hovercraft for a party that we can't have.
You know how sad that makes me? - Lawyer the sadness away.
- I will, man.
- This your bag? - Uh, yes, sir, it is.
- That was salty.
- I'm gonna have to search it.
Oh, uh, yeah, go ahead.
- Sure, yeah, of course.
- Oh, damn! Yeah, pretty freaky, right? It's a, uh-- It's actually a Rancho Chupacabraj.
Uh, but I have to take it with me.
It's evidence in a Uhwell, a--a dude having sex with a Chupacabraj case, so - Get out of here.
- All right.
- Thanks, sir.
- He found it covered in jizz.
We're not sure what--animal jizz or human jizz, we're not sure.
[Rapping gavel.]
You've all been sworn in.
Gentlemen, I've read your complaint.
Do you have anything to add other than your claim of boat fraud in the first degree, which I'd like to point out is not real thing? Well, we're here to prove that it is, your honor.
If I may, I'm gonna stand.
I'd like to, uh, address the jury here.
Uh, plaintiff, uh, this isn't a jury trial.
They're here awaiting their cases.
- These people? - Uh-huh.
Thank you, judge Tibbles.
Ladies and gentlemen of the esteemed court, two dudes with some bodacious ponytails.
- 22 inches and counting.
- Dude.
This is 19 inches.
It's longer than yours.
- No, it's not.
- I measured it - from the base up here.
- I measured it from the top of my forehead.
I have but one word: "Justice.
" Right? Just.
Us.
It's just us on this planet earth.
We're alone, so We need to trust each other.
Trust.
Us.
Rhymes, so you know that it's real.
Which brings me to the question Are we human Or are we dancers? Plaintiff, is there any additional evidence besides the defective hovercraft? No, but look, I was having a good time.
The problem is that this guy sold us a bunk hovercraft, and now we're gonna have a sausage fest with no bikinis and no straw cowboy hats, and I don't think you're being fair.
This isn't fair.
Mr.
Walker, how do you respond to the accusation? Your honor, I know your time is valuable, so I will be brief.
Um, this here is a textbook witch hunt-- - How's he sound so real? - That will clearly exonerate me from all these prejudicious and unfair charges.
This isn't a race thing, sir.
- May I approach the bench? - Proceed.
- He knows exactly - You're dumb.
Your honor, as you can see, in nine separate locations, in accordance with our great law, is my signs.
Ders, why aren't you using the briefcase? There's nothing inside the briefcase except for golf pencils and baseball cards, and slim Jim dare.
Slim Jim dare really freaking hot beef jerky, and you didn't give us any of that.
This is the jalapeno kind, and you didn't give-- - You didn't even think-- - Gentlemen, please.
This is a court of law.
It's not a feeding trough.
I had one.
I had--this one was out.
- I just--okay.
- No, no, dude, dude, come on.
I think you're making a very good case here.
Okay, Ders's lawyering didn't work, so it's time for me to do some liar-ing.
- I'm gonna lie.
- Oh, cool.
[Southern accent.]
Your honor, I do declare that we have a star witness that we would like to call to the stand.
- To the what? - To the stand.
I don't understand the word you're saying.
To the stand, to the stand.
And we all were just screaming, "Montez, stop," and he just continued to squeeze the life out of the poor little girl scout's dalmatian.
- It was--it was disgusting.
- What? - Can we get back to the case? - Your honor.
We are just here to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about a vile and disgusting man who was trying to ruin our party.
Could you use your regular voice, please? [Continues accent.]
This young lady knows where I'm coming from, - don't you, doll? - Huh? Do you like pool parties, miss? Yeah.
And are you available this Saturday, and may I remind you you are under oath? I guess I don't have any plans.
Can we get back to the case please? Your honor, I'm just making sure that everybody in here is being truthful, such as myself holding on to my nine-inch lap-hog, which must be a true thing since I am also under oath.
Uh, yeah, we all have really big dongs.
- I swear on a stack of bibles.
- My dick's big.
I believe we've had enough lap-hog talk for one lifetime.
I'm sorry, your honor.
Did you guys see the "No refund" signs at the garage sale, or no? I certainly did not see a sign-- - That is a lie! - I should warn you gentlemen that perjury laws are swift and severe.
Mm-hmm, swift willy style, all in there.
You may sit down.
Does the defense have any response? Yes, I do.
I also have a star witness who can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that these sucker-necks are lying.
Defense calls Waymond Womano.
Oh, [bleep.]
, this is bad.
He saw everything.
We can't let him testify.
If he testifies, we're gonna go to jail for perjury.
- You should've told me that.
- I thought you knew.
I choose to accept this mission.
Uh State your name for the court record, please.
What the heck's that? - What the - [Whimpering.]
What the hell? Court is adjourned till tomorrow.
- [Rapping gavel.]
- Yeah.
Adjourning's the best.
Obviously we're adjourning 'cause you have rats in your vents.
That's the first smart thing you done all day.
You're at the courthouse.
Y'all slick, you're real slick.
I know y'all threw that dookie bag.
But we back tomorrow, and Waymond is pissed.
You messed up his church shoes, and look at my good suit.
How about we settle out of court? You know, we'll take you to Ruby Tuesday's, we'll buy you a root-beer and a burger.
The only thing y'all gonna be eating is ass salad.
Talking about prison for in and around 30 days.
Good luck.
Oh, man, we're going to jail, and I never got to Eiffel Tower a chick with one of you guys.
We're not gonna go to jail if Waymond doesn't testify.
Oh, we're eating ass salad, man.
I'm gonna ha a big bowl of ass salad.
You heard Tez.
Waymond's snitching tomorrow.
Not we get to him tonight.
Shut up, stay right there! - And drive! - Whoops! Hey! Don't talk though.
Don't talk though.
Waymond Womano, we can't be responsible for what happens if you show up in court tomorrow.
But we can be very responsible if you-- if you don'tdo that.
Yeah, stick your hand in this bag.
Do it! You feel that? Those are the eyeballs of kids that we plucked out of their heads! And this? This is intestines.
No, Blake.
We're, uh-- Dude #1, we told you he's not blindfolded.
He's not blindfolded.
He can see that it's spaghetti.
Well, this is spaghetti that a dude was eating, but we killed him.
All: Yeah! And we'll kill you too.
- Yeah, we killed his ass.
- Are you ready to die? Oh, that's the game you want to play? - Oh, okay.
- Dig your own grave, bud.
Yeah, dig the fricking grave, you marshmallow-looking mother[bleep.]
.
All: [Chuckling evilly.]
- What? - Heh, heh - Little help? - Oh.
- Just throw--hurry up.
- Yeah.
- Go falcons! - Thank you.
Hey, nice arm.
It's a shovel, not a broom.
- Come on, jeez.
- That's what you got? Harder.
He's throwing it on his shoe--shoes.
You really suck at this.
He sucks at this.
Jesus Christ, you're horrible.
I'm actually not very good either.
Well, you're holding the spaghetti.
We told you not to bring the spaghetti.
I'm gonna go get some more shovels.
Yeah.
I'm actually really proud of us, guys.
This hole is freaking impressive.
- It's crazy.
- Whoa, dude, look, you're gonna kill yourself if you don't start lifting with your body instead of your arm muscles.
Well, my arm muscles are my body, Ders.
In fact, I think they're most of it.
I think we can all agree that the most important thing to do is come from the top here.
- Yeah.
- Because all the leverage when you're going--ow! - Aah! - Wait, what happened? - I think - What happened? - Splinter.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's painful, that's painful, that's very painful.
Waymond? Waymond? Wait, Waymond! - Waymond! - Waymond! Waymond, wait, wait! Maybe we went too far! Uh, we were just trying to scare you out of testifying.
It's us, the bull[bleep.]
boys! Well, we shouldn't have let him wait - in the car to get warm.
- Really boner move on our part.
Yeah, now we're gonna go to prison for perjury.
- And liar-ing even.
- Oh, man.
Hot dudes like us do not do well in prison, guys.
We are like three fresh meat butt sticks just waiting - for a dry rub.
- Oh, God, Blake's right.
His American Idol hairdo, your norse-ness.
My pecs, my hammies.
My gluts, man! They're just waiting for a good dicking.
- Oh, we're gonna get pounded.
- Maybe, like, over time, it, like-- it gets okay.
It's just skin after all, right? - What? - I don't know.
I'm just trying to be, like, a "glass half full" guy.
You're gonna have an ass half full of prison [bleep.]
.
So what should we do right now? Should we go get hamburgers? Eat a bunch of hamburgers right now and get fat? So the dudes won't want to butt-fun us? - We'll get fat, we'll get ugly.
- We have to beat the pretty out of each other.
All right, well, how do we go about doing that? I don't know.
What do you say, we count to three, and all, like, just punch each other, same time? - To the right? - Yeah, to the right.
I don't want to call you guys bitches, but you guys are bitches.
You're bitches.
You guys wouldn't be able to hurt me, my face is very hard.
Growing up, all the bullies were, like, "Holy [bleep.]
, man.
- Your face so hard.
" - Right.
"It hurts my hand when I punch.
" I need something much harder to hit it.
- Whoa! Uh - Dude, whoa.
- You want me to blast you? - No, no, no.
Let's just, uh, we'll tell him we fought.
- No, yeah, good--good call.
- You all right, man? - Adam, Adam, you okay? - [Moaning.]
- Adam.
- Sorry.
- [Moaning.]
- Come on, okay, oh Did I get you? Did I get you good? - Did I get you good? - Uh, no.
But Ders got me a-- a cracked rib for sure.
We fought, and, uh, Blake curbed me.
- Just destroyed my face.
- Yeah, twice.
I can see that.
I can see that.
You look bad, dude.
You look bad.
- Okay, let's-- - You look bad, dude.
- This way.
- This--yeah.
- Let's go home.
- Whoo! Oh, great, the sun's coming up soon.
Guess we'll be walking straight to the courthouse.
[Beat-boxing.]
Hey, guys, when the judge reads our sentences, - just don't cry.
- Yeah, definitely.
Band of brajs, we got this.
Does it smell like burnt tires in here? Smell, like, a little like something's burning? - No.
- Nice of you - to join us, gentlemen.
- Sorry, your honor, but took a one-and-a-half in my pants on the elevator.
Yes, that, uh, definitely happened, but we won't bother you with our whole morning.
- No, uh - That's why we're late, 'cause I-I-I [bleep.]
and pissed my pants-- - Adam, don't.
We're ready to take responsibility for whatever Waymond told you we did.
Before Mr.
Womano testifies, I understand that he has some physical evidence that may be pertinent to this case.
I got pictures of y'all in front of my signs.
You gonna fry.
Some ass salad.
[Gobbling.]
[Laughing.]
I mean Whoo, wow, I'm hairy.
I fail to see the relevance of any of this.
Sir, my wife Colleen is taking a photography class at the learning annex and she needed a sexy model, so Just move ahead at your discretion.
Oh, bam! There it is! Well, would you look at that? Seems like Mr.
Walker's been telling the truth the whole time.
Oh, this one has a little "play" icon in the corner.
Shall I play it and see what we can surmise from this? Did you see Monteezy work his magic? I sold these fools a broke-ass hovercraft.
That's what they get for never inviting me to their parties.
Now let's go get some tacos and free smoothies.
You're killing me, Waymond! After reviewing the evidence, the court finds in favor of the plaintiffs.
The defendant is ordered to pay repair costs in their entirety.
[Rapping gavel.]
Did you just see the video? You won, gentlemen.
- What? Oh! - We won? - Whoo! - We did it! Whoo, we [bleep.]
won! We won! - Whoo, this party sucks! - [Laughing.]
All right, a maniac, I like it, very cool.
Hey, don't be shy, dudes.
Come on up and take a picture with the picture of the Rancho Chupacabraj.
Come on, we got one picture for $10, two pictures for $5, so.
Just take two.
Two.
It's a cheaper deal.
Yo, blaze, any day now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, guys, I just want to, uh, take this opportunity to say welcome to our premier beach house party of the summer! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Okay, you guys don't seem amped, and I get that.
It's about 98% to 99% dudes here.
- It's mostly dudes.
- Yeah.
That's okay, though, 'cause once this bitch gets soaring, - it's gonna be a chick stampede.
- That's right.
Let's take off those straw cowboy hats, though, 'cause those are for the chicks.
- Hey, look! - Oh! Oh! - Hey, come in! - No, no.
- Yeah, yeah, she's with me.
- Let's go, let's go.
[Bleep.]
this.
[Rock music.]
- Aah! - Oh That was not our fault.
- Oh, fudge.
- That's not our fault.
Oh, my God.
Are you--are you boys okay? Yeah, if you mean almost getting decapitated by your sharp-ass fence, then yeah.
Ow! Ow! Why is your fence so sharp, dude? Are you kidding? You just drove a boat through my yard.
Well, we'll just have to see how that holds up -in small claims court.
- Whoo! Yeah, that's right.
You better lawyer down, sir.
I am a lawyer.
And with this kind of damage, I'm gonna bring you to big boy court.
Well, then, [bleep.]
, sir.
Nice.
[Snorting sounds.]
[Party horn blows.]