Wrecked (2016) s03e04 Episode Script
A Game of Chest
1 I'm going to break you and watch you hunt each other to the death.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Aah! Errol's bracelets can deliver up to 1,000 volts of just the touch of a single button.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
Must be a short circuit.
Jess! [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Ahh! - [LAUGHS.]
We comin' to paint the town - [GIRLS SQUEALING, LAUGHTER.]
- What up, hookers? This is my sister Caitlin L.
, and this is my sister Caitlynn with two N's.
If you're here, it's because we think you've got what it takes - to roll with Phi Gamma Phi.
- [GIRLS SQUEALING.]
But we've got one more test for you before you're officially in.
Hope you bitches are ready to ride the lightning.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- Who's up first? - [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Oh, my God, Alison.
I can't believe we got into Gamma Phi.
This is literally the best day of my life.
[LIQUID SWISHES.]
I mean, it's, like, I can just see the next four years - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Gamma Phi, Captain of the color guard team, graduation, and then, L.
A.
, here I come.
Oh, my God.
Do you think you'll meet - Nicole Richie? - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
GIRL: Ow! Probably.
I mean, I will be a publicist.
- But the most important thing - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
is getting out of Arizona.
And it looks so good having Gamma Phi on your résumé.
Mm-hmm.
It's like the most prestigious sorority in the whole country.
- You're up, donkey slut.
- We gon' own the night Phi Gamma Phi sister till I die! We gon' own the night [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GROANS.]
[BODY THUDS.]
TODD: Babe? Time to wake up.
Hey, buddy, I think you've slapped her enough.
What if you just let her rest for a bit and maybe she'll wake up on her own? Oh, I'm sorry, Owen.
- Are you a doctor? - Okay.
Are you a doctor? How about you three numbnuts? Did you go to med school together? Todd, you know none of us are doctors.
You're damn right I do! So shut your non-doctor yaps and let me slap my wife awake! Good morning, my little caged beasties.
You son of a bitch.
You're lucky my arms are too jacked to fit through this cage, or I'd be choking you out right now! Oh, yes.
Your wife.
Has she recovered from her little shock? Well, for your information, she's Pbht! Kidding.
I really don't give a goose's queef about you or your wife.
I'm here because I wish to speak with your leader.
All right.
Don't worry, guys.
He's not gonna break me.
I'm just glad I'm the one that's gonna have to Oh, God, no, not you.
I wish to speak with your leader.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
Him, with the mustache.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Steve?! You think that Steve is the leader? And why is that so hard to believe? I don't know.
'Cause you got your pants on backwards?! What? Oh, no, not again.
Okay.
Well done.
One to you.
But to be fair, they look the same no matter how you Oh, no, yours are gray on the All right, well - Oh! My God! - Oh, my God! - Jesus, man.
- You see, Owen, one quality of a great leader is being able to admit when one makes a mistake.
- [PANTS ZIP.]
- How can I help you, Declan other than kill you for murdering my best friend?! There it is.
That's why I want to speak with you.
Take him upstairs.
Well, don't worry about me, gang.
Worry about him.
Or what's left of him after I've done "unh"! Aah! That's actually hurting my arm! That's a little tight on the side there! What the hell am I supposed to do now, just sit back and watch my wife be all floppy? I mean look at her.
Yeah, it's too bad we don't have any smelling salts.
We might not have smelling salts, but we've got one better Toots! I wake Jess up like every night by beefing in bed.
Are you saying that you're gonna wake her up with a fart? That's exactly what I'm saying, unless one of you doctors disapproves.
Hmm? You? Tall doctor? Blondie? Dr.
Quinn? Scraggle hair? Beard? No? No? Great! Then let's fart my wife awake.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
DECLAN: Normally, this is the part of the story where the villain removes the hero's restraints to show that he's not afraid of him.
I'd like to see you try.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Aah! [BODY THUDS.]
[GROANS.]
But that's the thing Steve.
I am afraid of you because you're the only person here that I think could actually kill me.
And, frankly, I'm intrigued.
Well, let's see just how intrigued you are now.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Aah! You get how this works, right? I mean, I'm just gonna keep shocking you every time you do that.
I mean, you're you're just illustrating why I didn't take the bracelet off you in the first place.
Illustrate this, you rich bastard.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Aah! - [GROANS.]
- Are we good? Okay.
I get how it works.
I have a proposal for you, Steve.
But first how about we play a little gentleman's game of chess? Everybody, zip it! I'm almost ready.
All right, we got to make it like we usually sleep.
Danny, put her arm around me.
Put the blanket over us.
Come on.
Hurry.
All right, shut up! Everybody, shut up! [GRUNTING.]
- [FARTS.]
- [EXHALES SLOWLY.]
- Ohh! - [GAGS.]
- Come back to me.
- [WHIMPERS.]
Come on, babe.
Come on, baby.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GASPING.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
OWEN: Oh, my God! Hell, yeah, babe! - Come on! - [WHIMPERS.]
Where Where am I? Where are the Caitlins? Why does it smell like corned beef? Babe, calm down Hey, back away from me! Relax.
It's us your friends.
My friends? My friends are Alison, Tiffany, Tall Tiffany, and sometimes Kylie, when she's not being a bitch.
I've never seen any of you freaks in my life! Oh, my God.
Her brains are scrambled! Allie? Tiff? Tall Tiff? Where are you? Seriously, this isn't funny.
Hey, hon, why don't you tell us the last thing you remember? Uh, duh.
I was standing in the grand hall of Gamma Phi, I did a lightning shot, and then I woke up here.
Is this off-campus? Now, could someone please let me out of here? I have to get ready for the Cowboys and Indians party.
That's the night we first met.
Oh, God bless.
She thinks she's in college.
That's why she doesn't remember me.
She's gone completely pre-Todd.
Let me handle this.
[WHIMPERS.]
Jess, buck up 'cause here's the hard truth.
You were in a plane crash.
We landed on a deserted island where we were captured by sexually frustrated pirates.
We stole their cruise ship, but it sank, and now we're being held captive by a deranged billionaire who wants us to hunt each other so he can watch and presumably masturbate.
Wait.
Karen, no.
Karen, come You're upsetting her.
- Get - Okay.
[WHIMPERS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Owen.
- Hi, Owen.
I'm kinda the leader of the group.
Here's the deal.
You're not 19.
You are actually [LAUGHS.]
Okay, I see what this is part of the initiation.
Hey, Caitlin L.
, come out now, you stupid bitch! Get me away from these weird townies! [LAUGHS.]
Jess, it's true.
See for yourself.
I'm sorry.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Aah! I'm so old! Ah, chess.
It truly is a magnificent game, isn't it? A thousand strategies of attack and defense, all with the same simple goal - To kill the king.
- [CHESS PIECE THUDS.]
I'm sure you can relate to that, can't you, Steve? But the thing with chess is you always have to think five steps ahead to ca What does the horsey man do again? What? He's faster than the others, but I can't remember whether Does he move forwards and backwards whenever he likes? No, that's the rook.
Oh, you mean the castle.
Yeah, no, they don't move.
They're made of brick.
Do you not know how to play chess? Of course I know how to play chest.
It's not "chest.
" It's "chess," with an "s.
" I'm pretty sure it's "chest.
" Why would it be called "chest"? Because you get a chest of treasure when you win! - What?! - I'm sick of Let's stop mucking around! I'm making my move.
I pick up and levitate my priest character.
He then swims through all the prawns into your castle.
Now, he's an undercover priest, so he seduces your queen in the middle of the night, after a dinner.
Okay.
- [CHESS PIECE THUDS.]
- King me.
Why don't we do a little refresher? - [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
- And then we can get back to our game of chest.
Chess! Chess! So, you're telling me that I live in a condo in Scottsdale with him? Hell, yeah, you do.
'Sup? What about L.
A.
? Do I at least do P.
R.
in Scottsdale? Kinda.
You were a Red Bull girl till I drove your car into a Dumpster.
I blew that big old can right off the top.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, I basically graduated college, and I did nothing? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You didn't graduate.
You dropped out and moved to the 'Dale with me.
- What?! - Yeah.
I got that sick job offer from my dad's real-estate company, and you don't have to work, so you basically sit around all day doing nothing.
Oh, my God.
I need to be alone.
No.
Wait.
Jess! Oh, my God.
She has lost it! She can't even remember her kick-ass life! I just want the old Jess back.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I didn't see this.
You have to "Notebook" her.
What, like slap her with one? - Oh, no.
- What? No.
What? - No! - The movie.
When old Rachel McAdams loses her memory and so then old Ryan Gosling tells her the story of how they fell in love to get it back.
Maybe if you tell her a story like that, she'll get her memory back.
That could work.
All college girls love them some "Notebook.
" So, think, man.
What's, like, the most romantic memory you got? Easy.
My buddy Tug Nut's bachelor party.
He had a Slip 'N Slide on the roof, landed in a baby pool full of some naughty little Jell-O shots.
- What?! - Yeah.
Was Jess even there? Well, you didn't say she had to be there.
- Unh! - Oh, wow! Ugh! Of course she has to be there, Todd! What do you want? You want to know about the first time that I knew that I loved her? - Yes! - Yes! That's literally what we're saying! - Yes! - Okay! Stop shitting yourselves! Okay! - I'll tell you! - [SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
It was the first time that I took her to a golf course.
It was a Sunday.
She looked so beautiful in that morning light.
Wait.
Don't tell me.
Tell her.
I told you I don't know a "Bennifer.
" Well, is Britney still with K-Fed? 'Sup, Jess? I was wondering if I could tell you a story, the story of us.
Uh, are you trying to "Notebook" me right now? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Because I love that movie! - [ALL EXHALE HEAVILY.]
- Told you.
Sick.
It was the summer of 2006 [SEAL'S "KISS FROM A ROSE" PLAYS.]
two weeks before we moved to Scottsdale.
I'd never taken a girl with me to the golf course before.
There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea TODD: Babe.
Babe! And you - Sorry.
- I said club me.
Just listening to our song.
One that's not our song.
Our song is "Blurry" by Puddle Of Mudd.
Two if you want to hang out with me on the links, you have to pay attention to the Wait.
A muscle-back wedge with the grooved clubface? That's the perfect club for this shot.
Well, yeah, you're gonna want to get some spin if you want to get over the lake, right? It's not like I'm gonna hand you a cavity-back like some idiot.
Babe, you find a new way to amazing me every single day.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
Oh, that is so cute! Flo, shut up.
I haven't even gotten to the good part.
Now watch me crush this shot.
[CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- I love you.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh! God damn it! - [WATER SPLASHES.]
What are you doing?! I told you not to talk while I'm swinging it! I literally just told you I loved you, Todd.
Well, maybe you could have waited until Oh, I don't know after the shot! - After the shot?! Are you kidding me?! - I was having an incredible game! Oh, my God! Oh, no.
You just think you can do whatever you want.
What I want is for you to hand me a dang club.
- Oh, one of these clubs? - Yes.
Huh? Yeah.
How about this one, huh? You're going the wrong way.
Say goodbye to your iron, bitch! - What are you doing?! - Aah! No! [LAUGHS.]
No! Wait.
Hey! I bought these for you, you asshole! - God damn it! - Unh! Get off me! Aah! - [BOTH SHOUT INDISTINCTLY.]
- Sir, sir - What?! - Maybe you should just calm down.
What are you doing? Step off, you old [BLEEP.]
Don't touch him.
I-I thought he was bothering you.
You're bothering me.
Scram, you old sack of potatoes, you nasty, wrinkly old Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the That was when you knew you loved me? Hell, yeah.
When you swept that old fart's legs, I knew you were the one.
Oh, my God.
You literally turned me into a monster.
Oh, yeah? Well, you married me.
We're married? - [GASPS.]
- Yeah.
A couple days ago, on a Red Hot Chili Peppers cruise ship My dream wedding.
You.
You ruined my life.
I never want to see you again, so just go! - Get out of here! - Get out of where? We're locked in a cage! Then go hide in that toilet, you turd! The only turd here, it's you! [BOTH SCREAM.]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sorry you're going through this.
It's a lot to take in.
Shhyeah.
I just had this dream of how my life would turn out.
I'd be a successful publicist.
I'd be married to Mark Hoppus from blink-182 and have two kids named Buffy and Angel.
None of it turned out the way I thought it would.
I had dreams, too.
I figured this would be the year I'd make Variety's Top 35 Agents Under 35 Without a Sexual Harassment Lawsuit.
[SIGHS.]
What's Variety? It's just, like, the most important show-biz magazine in Hollywood.
Everyone who's anyone reads it.
It's, like, really big in L.
A.
[GASPS.]
You live in L.
A.
? Hey, Danny, quick question about "The Notebook.
" Does Ryan Gosling end up killing himself because he's lost everything?! I don't know how you got her in the first place, man.
That story was awful.
Not for me.
It friggin' ruled.
Exactly.
It ruled for you.
All of your stories are about you.
Your entire relationship is about you.
[SCOFFS.]
So, what? You're saying I should Do something nice for her, you moron! How am I getting this before you? I know one stupid-ass thing she'll friggin' love.
But I'm gonna need your help.
- Jumba - Hmm? Can you sing baritone? I don't know.
[DEEPLY.]
Can I? Okay, so so so, you've you've got it now? You You know all the pieces? I'm with you 100%.
Good.
All right.
So, where was I? [MUTTERING.]
You have to think five steps ahead and - [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
- So, tell me, Steve.
What will you do with your next move? Capture one of my pawns? Or will you keep your eye on the main prize? Easy.
I will move my king.
Nope.
Nope.
That's your queen.
It can't be.
It doesn't have boobs.
No, it doesn't have boobs! None of them have boobs! None of them have boobs! How many times do I have to tell you that?! Jesus Christ! I was trying to use chess as a metaphor! A metaphor for what? To tell you that I have placed a sizable bet on you winning The Hunt.
I was trying to give you an edge.
[SIGHS.]
What makes you think I want to help you? Because you want to kill me, and the only way you're ever gonna get close enough is if you win The Hunt.
We hunt the winner.
Guard! Could you please take him away? You have, like, the perfect life.
Hey, Jess, I want to say something to you.
Ugh.
What is it now? Hit it, Danny.
One, two, three, one, two.
Ba-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da Ba-ya-ya [OFF-KEY.]
There used to be a greying tower Alone on the sea You became the light to the dark side of me Love remains a drug that's the high, not the pill - But did you know - Know - That when it snows - Snows My eyes become wide And the light that you shine can be see-ee-n? Baby! I compare you to a kiss - Okay.
Thank you.
- Yeah? What? You can stop now.
Oh.
Nice.
Did it work? Do you remember me? No.
But this is really sweet.
But I still don't know who you are.
I don't even know who I am.
I just know that I can't be your wife.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
I'm sorry.
I guess today's the first day of me trying to win you back.
Cool.
It's the coolest.
See ya.
Hey, man, you did everything you could.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! You don't deserve that cool hat! Steve, what happened? [SIGHS.]
Well, nothing much.
He just wanted me to play this stupid game that he made up.
It's about a king and a boobless queen and some horse people.
Do you mean chess? Oh, my God.
Guys, did you even know that I was the chess state champion in high school? It should have been me in there.
But would you have been able to swipe this? What is that? It's a priest character from the game.
- You mean a bishop? - Well, yeah, whatever.
My point is, I risked my life to steal this.
What the hell are we supposed to do with it? I don't know.
Pick a lock with it or - What?! - Come on! - Ohh.
- Steve! Okay.
You had no plan? You just grabbed whatever? This could be our ticket out of here.
There wasn't anything else you could have taken? Yeah.
No, it was a room full of objects, so There was a knife.
- [BLEEP.]
- What?! There was a radio in the corner.
- Steve! - A radio?! - Yeah.
- Oh, my God! And there's the remote for these buzzy bracelets.
- Come on! - Oh.
Steve.
You're the dumbest person!
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Aah! Errol's bracelets can deliver up to 1,000 volts of just the touch of a single button.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
Must be a short circuit.
Jess! [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Ahh! - [LAUGHS.]
We comin' to paint the town - [GIRLS SQUEALING, LAUGHTER.]
- What up, hookers? This is my sister Caitlin L.
, and this is my sister Caitlynn with two N's.
If you're here, it's because we think you've got what it takes - to roll with Phi Gamma Phi.
- [GIRLS SQUEALING.]
But we've got one more test for you before you're officially in.
Hope you bitches are ready to ride the lightning.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- Who's up first? - [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Oh, my God, Alison.
I can't believe we got into Gamma Phi.
This is literally the best day of my life.
[LIQUID SWISHES.]
I mean, it's, like, I can just see the next four years - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Gamma Phi, Captain of the color guard team, graduation, and then, L.
A.
, here I come.
Oh, my God.
Do you think you'll meet - Nicole Richie? - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
GIRL: Ow! Probably.
I mean, I will be a publicist.
- But the most important thing - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
is getting out of Arizona.
And it looks so good having Gamma Phi on your résumé.
Mm-hmm.
It's like the most prestigious sorority in the whole country.
- You're up, donkey slut.
- We gon' own the night Phi Gamma Phi sister till I die! We gon' own the night [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GROANS.]
[BODY THUDS.]
TODD: Babe? Time to wake up.
Hey, buddy, I think you've slapped her enough.
What if you just let her rest for a bit and maybe she'll wake up on her own? Oh, I'm sorry, Owen.
- Are you a doctor? - Okay.
Are you a doctor? How about you three numbnuts? Did you go to med school together? Todd, you know none of us are doctors.
You're damn right I do! So shut your non-doctor yaps and let me slap my wife awake! Good morning, my little caged beasties.
You son of a bitch.
You're lucky my arms are too jacked to fit through this cage, or I'd be choking you out right now! Oh, yes.
Your wife.
Has she recovered from her little shock? Well, for your information, she's Pbht! Kidding.
I really don't give a goose's queef about you or your wife.
I'm here because I wish to speak with your leader.
All right.
Don't worry, guys.
He's not gonna break me.
I'm just glad I'm the one that's gonna have to Oh, God, no, not you.
I wish to speak with your leader.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
Him, with the mustache.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Steve?! You think that Steve is the leader? And why is that so hard to believe? I don't know.
'Cause you got your pants on backwards?! What? Oh, no, not again.
Okay.
Well done.
One to you.
But to be fair, they look the same no matter how you Oh, no, yours are gray on the All right, well - Oh! My God! - Oh, my God! - Jesus, man.
- You see, Owen, one quality of a great leader is being able to admit when one makes a mistake.
- [PANTS ZIP.]
- How can I help you, Declan other than kill you for murdering my best friend?! There it is.
That's why I want to speak with you.
Take him upstairs.
Well, don't worry about me, gang.
Worry about him.
Or what's left of him after I've done "unh"! Aah! That's actually hurting my arm! That's a little tight on the side there! What the hell am I supposed to do now, just sit back and watch my wife be all floppy? I mean look at her.
Yeah, it's too bad we don't have any smelling salts.
We might not have smelling salts, but we've got one better Toots! I wake Jess up like every night by beefing in bed.
Are you saying that you're gonna wake her up with a fart? That's exactly what I'm saying, unless one of you doctors disapproves.
Hmm? You? Tall doctor? Blondie? Dr.
Quinn? Scraggle hair? Beard? No? No? Great! Then let's fart my wife awake.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
DECLAN: Normally, this is the part of the story where the villain removes the hero's restraints to show that he's not afraid of him.
I'd like to see you try.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Aah! [BODY THUDS.]
[GROANS.]
But that's the thing Steve.
I am afraid of you because you're the only person here that I think could actually kill me.
And, frankly, I'm intrigued.
Well, let's see just how intrigued you are now.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Aah! You get how this works, right? I mean, I'm just gonna keep shocking you every time you do that.
I mean, you're you're just illustrating why I didn't take the bracelet off you in the first place.
Illustrate this, you rich bastard.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- Aah! - [GROANS.]
- Are we good? Okay.
I get how it works.
I have a proposal for you, Steve.
But first how about we play a little gentleman's game of chess? Everybody, zip it! I'm almost ready.
All right, we got to make it like we usually sleep.
Danny, put her arm around me.
Put the blanket over us.
Come on.
Hurry.
All right, shut up! Everybody, shut up! [GRUNTING.]
- [FARTS.]
- [EXHALES SLOWLY.]
- Ohh! - [GAGS.]
- Come back to me.
- [WHIMPERS.]
Come on, babe.
Come on, baby.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GASPING.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
OWEN: Oh, my God! Hell, yeah, babe! - Come on! - [WHIMPERS.]
Where Where am I? Where are the Caitlins? Why does it smell like corned beef? Babe, calm down Hey, back away from me! Relax.
It's us your friends.
My friends? My friends are Alison, Tiffany, Tall Tiffany, and sometimes Kylie, when she's not being a bitch.
I've never seen any of you freaks in my life! Oh, my God.
Her brains are scrambled! Allie? Tiff? Tall Tiff? Where are you? Seriously, this isn't funny.
Hey, hon, why don't you tell us the last thing you remember? Uh, duh.
I was standing in the grand hall of Gamma Phi, I did a lightning shot, and then I woke up here.
Is this off-campus? Now, could someone please let me out of here? I have to get ready for the Cowboys and Indians party.
That's the night we first met.
Oh, God bless.
She thinks she's in college.
That's why she doesn't remember me.
She's gone completely pre-Todd.
Let me handle this.
[WHIMPERS.]
Jess, buck up 'cause here's the hard truth.
You were in a plane crash.
We landed on a deserted island where we were captured by sexually frustrated pirates.
We stole their cruise ship, but it sank, and now we're being held captive by a deranged billionaire who wants us to hunt each other so he can watch and presumably masturbate.
Wait.
Karen, no.
Karen, come You're upsetting her.
- Get - Okay.
[WHIMPERS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Owen.
- Hi, Owen.
I'm kinda the leader of the group.
Here's the deal.
You're not 19.
You are actually [LAUGHS.]
Okay, I see what this is part of the initiation.
Hey, Caitlin L.
, come out now, you stupid bitch! Get me away from these weird townies! [LAUGHS.]
Jess, it's true.
See for yourself.
I'm sorry.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Aah! I'm so old! Ah, chess.
It truly is a magnificent game, isn't it? A thousand strategies of attack and defense, all with the same simple goal - To kill the king.
- [CHESS PIECE THUDS.]
I'm sure you can relate to that, can't you, Steve? But the thing with chess is you always have to think five steps ahead to ca What does the horsey man do again? What? He's faster than the others, but I can't remember whether Does he move forwards and backwards whenever he likes? No, that's the rook.
Oh, you mean the castle.
Yeah, no, they don't move.
They're made of brick.
Do you not know how to play chess? Of course I know how to play chest.
It's not "chest.
" It's "chess," with an "s.
" I'm pretty sure it's "chest.
" Why would it be called "chest"? Because you get a chest of treasure when you win! - What?! - I'm sick of Let's stop mucking around! I'm making my move.
I pick up and levitate my priest character.
He then swims through all the prawns into your castle.
Now, he's an undercover priest, so he seduces your queen in the middle of the night, after a dinner.
Okay.
- [CHESS PIECE THUDS.]
- King me.
Why don't we do a little refresher? - [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
- And then we can get back to our game of chest.
Chess! Chess! So, you're telling me that I live in a condo in Scottsdale with him? Hell, yeah, you do.
'Sup? What about L.
A.
? Do I at least do P.
R.
in Scottsdale? Kinda.
You were a Red Bull girl till I drove your car into a Dumpster.
I blew that big old can right off the top.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, I basically graduated college, and I did nothing? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You didn't graduate.
You dropped out and moved to the 'Dale with me.
- What?! - Yeah.
I got that sick job offer from my dad's real-estate company, and you don't have to work, so you basically sit around all day doing nothing.
Oh, my God.
I need to be alone.
No.
Wait.
Jess! Oh, my God.
She has lost it! She can't even remember her kick-ass life! I just want the old Jess back.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I didn't see this.
You have to "Notebook" her.
What, like slap her with one? - Oh, no.
- What? No.
What? - No! - The movie.
When old Rachel McAdams loses her memory and so then old Ryan Gosling tells her the story of how they fell in love to get it back.
Maybe if you tell her a story like that, she'll get her memory back.
That could work.
All college girls love them some "Notebook.
" So, think, man.
What's, like, the most romantic memory you got? Easy.
My buddy Tug Nut's bachelor party.
He had a Slip 'N Slide on the roof, landed in a baby pool full of some naughty little Jell-O shots.
- What?! - Yeah.
Was Jess even there? Well, you didn't say she had to be there.
- Unh! - Oh, wow! Ugh! Of course she has to be there, Todd! What do you want? You want to know about the first time that I knew that I loved her? - Yes! - Yes! That's literally what we're saying! - Yes! - Okay! Stop shitting yourselves! Okay! - I'll tell you! - [SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
It was the first time that I took her to a golf course.
It was a Sunday.
She looked so beautiful in that morning light.
Wait.
Don't tell me.
Tell her.
I told you I don't know a "Bennifer.
" Well, is Britney still with K-Fed? 'Sup, Jess? I was wondering if I could tell you a story, the story of us.
Uh, are you trying to "Notebook" me right now? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Because I love that movie! - [ALL EXHALE HEAVILY.]
- Told you.
Sick.
It was the summer of 2006 [SEAL'S "KISS FROM A ROSE" PLAYS.]
two weeks before we moved to Scottsdale.
I'd never taken a girl with me to the golf course before.
There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea TODD: Babe.
Babe! And you - Sorry.
- I said club me.
Just listening to our song.
One that's not our song.
Our song is "Blurry" by Puddle Of Mudd.
Two if you want to hang out with me on the links, you have to pay attention to the Wait.
A muscle-back wedge with the grooved clubface? That's the perfect club for this shot.
Well, yeah, you're gonna want to get some spin if you want to get over the lake, right? It's not like I'm gonna hand you a cavity-back like some idiot.
Babe, you find a new way to amazing me every single day.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
Oh, that is so cute! Flo, shut up.
I haven't even gotten to the good part.
Now watch me crush this shot.
[CHUCKLES.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- I love you.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh! God damn it! - [WATER SPLASHES.]
What are you doing?! I told you not to talk while I'm swinging it! I literally just told you I loved you, Todd.
Well, maybe you could have waited until Oh, I don't know after the shot! - After the shot?! Are you kidding me?! - I was having an incredible game! Oh, my God! Oh, no.
You just think you can do whatever you want.
What I want is for you to hand me a dang club.
- Oh, one of these clubs? - Yes.
Huh? Yeah.
How about this one, huh? You're going the wrong way.
Say goodbye to your iron, bitch! - What are you doing?! - Aah! No! [LAUGHS.]
No! Wait.
Hey! I bought these for you, you asshole! - God damn it! - Unh! Get off me! Aah! - [BOTH SHOUT INDISTINCTLY.]
- Sir, sir - What?! - Maybe you should just calm down.
What are you doing? Step off, you old [BLEEP.]
Don't touch him.
I-I thought he was bothering you.
You're bothering me.
Scram, you old sack of potatoes, you nasty, wrinkly old Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the That was when you knew you loved me? Hell, yeah.
When you swept that old fart's legs, I knew you were the one.
Oh, my God.
You literally turned me into a monster.
Oh, yeah? Well, you married me.
We're married? - [GASPS.]
- Yeah.
A couple days ago, on a Red Hot Chili Peppers cruise ship My dream wedding.
You.
You ruined my life.
I never want to see you again, so just go! - Get out of here! - Get out of where? We're locked in a cage! Then go hide in that toilet, you turd! The only turd here, it's you! [BOTH SCREAM.]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sorry you're going through this.
It's a lot to take in.
Shhyeah.
I just had this dream of how my life would turn out.
I'd be a successful publicist.
I'd be married to Mark Hoppus from blink-182 and have two kids named Buffy and Angel.
None of it turned out the way I thought it would.
I had dreams, too.
I figured this would be the year I'd make Variety's Top 35 Agents Under 35 Without a Sexual Harassment Lawsuit.
[SIGHS.]
What's Variety? It's just, like, the most important show-biz magazine in Hollywood.
Everyone who's anyone reads it.
It's, like, really big in L.
A.
[GASPS.]
You live in L.
A.
? Hey, Danny, quick question about "The Notebook.
" Does Ryan Gosling end up killing himself because he's lost everything?! I don't know how you got her in the first place, man.
That story was awful.
Not for me.
It friggin' ruled.
Exactly.
It ruled for you.
All of your stories are about you.
Your entire relationship is about you.
[SCOFFS.]
So, what? You're saying I should Do something nice for her, you moron! How am I getting this before you? I know one stupid-ass thing she'll friggin' love.
But I'm gonna need your help.
- Jumba - Hmm? Can you sing baritone? I don't know.
[DEEPLY.]
Can I? Okay, so so so, you've you've got it now? You You know all the pieces? I'm with you 100%.
Good.
All right.
So, where was I? [MUTTERING.]
You have to think five steps ahead and - [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
- So, tell me, Steve.
What will you do with your next move? Capture one of my pawns? Or will you keep your eye on the main prize? Easy.
I will move my king.
Nope.
Nope.
That's your queen.
It can't be.
It doesn't have boobs.
No, it doesn't have boobs! None of them have boobs! None of them have boobs! How many times do I have to tell you that?! Jesus Christ! I was trying to use chess as a metaphor! A metaphor for what? To tell you that I have placed a sizable bet on you winning The Hunt.
I was trying to give you an edge.
[SIGHS.]
What makes you think I want to help you? Because you want to kill me, and the only way you're ever gonna get close enough is if you win The Hunt.
We hunt the winner.
Guard! Could you please take him away? You have, like, the perfect life.
Hey, Jess, I want to say something to you.
Ugh.
What is it now? Hit it, Danny.
One, two, three, one, two.
Ba-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da Ba-ya-ya [OFF-KEY.]
There used to be a greying tower Alone on the sea You became the light to the dark side of me Love remains a drug that's the high, not the pill - But did you know - Know - That when it snows - Snows My eyes become wide And the light that you shine can be see-ee-n? Baby! I compare you to a kiss - Okay.
Thank you.
- Yeah? What? You can stop now.
Oh.
Nice.
Did it work? Do you remember me? No.
But this is really sweet.
But I still don't know who you are.
I don't even know who I am.
I just know that I can't be your wife.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS.]
I'm sorry.
I guess today's the first day of me trying to win you back.
Cool.
It's the coolest.
See ya.
Hey, man, you did everything you could.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! You don't deserve that cool hat! Steve, what happened? [SIGHS.]
Well, nothing much.
He just wanted me to play this stupid game that he made up.
It's about a king and a boobless queen and some horse people.
Do you mean chess? Oh, my God.
Guys, did you even know that I was the chess state champion in high school? It should have been me in there.
But would you have been able to swipe this? What is that? It's a priest character from the game.
- You mean a bishop? - Well, yeah, whatever.
My point is, I risked my life to steal this.
What the hell are we supposed to do with it? I don't know.
Pick a lock with it or - What?! - Come on! - Ohh.
- Steve! Okay.
You had no plan? You just grabbed whatever? This could be our ticket out of here.
There wasn't anything else you could have taken? Yeah.
No, it was a room full of objects, so There was a knife.
- [BLEEP.]
- What?! There was a radio in the corner.
- Steve! - A radio?! - Yeah.
- Oh, my God! And there's the remote for these buzzy bracelets.
- Come on! - Oh.
Steve.
You're the dumbest person!