You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s03e04 Episode Script

1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats # The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? Ivy? I think I've got it working.
What? My crystaI set, come and have a Iisten.
I haven't much time, I've got to serve the tea.
This won't take a minute.
Ooh.
How does it work? WeII, this is a crystaI.
And you have to touch the right part of it with this, the cat's whisker.
We haven't got a cat.
Did you get it from the one next door? No, it's just a bit of wire.
- Ooh.
- You mustn't touch the crystaI with your fingers, otherwise it won't work.
I'II see what I can get.
Does this wire go straight through to the BBC, Iike a teIephone? What did you say? Does this wire go to the BBC? No, there's wireIess waves aII around us in the ether.
They're everywhere.
- Yes, but - Shhh, I got it.
(Faint voice and interference) - Let's have a Iisten.
- 'Ere you are.
What's he taIking about? It's the fat stock prices.
What's that? TeIIs you how much you get if you seII a pig.
Ohh, isn't that wonderfuI? Yeah, it's amazing.
It's a miracIe.
Ooh, what eIse can you hear? Chamber music, morning prayers, midday prayers, evening prayers, the news - and taIks.
- What about? AII sorts of different things.
Like phiIosophy and Greek peopIe.
And I heard one the other day on farming impIements used by ancient Britons.
That sounds ever so boring.
Don't they have anything joIIy on? Oh, no, it's not supposed to be entertainment.
Oh, I see.
WeII, why can't they have jazz bands and funny comedians? You couIdn't have things Iike that on the BBC.
What are you two doing? Why aren't you getting the tea ready, Ivy? I'm sorry, Mr TweIvetrees, Henry was giving me a Iisten to his crystaI set.
It's wonderfuI.
The voices come from out of the air.
Do you Iike the wireIess? Not much, couId give peopIe ideas.
If anyone can Iisten it couId be dangerous.
What's to stop a Labour poIitician taIking about sociaIism? Quite right, Mr TweIvetrees, where wouId it aII end? But his Iordship's going to be one of the governors of the BBC.
Then I'm sure he'II prevent anything infIammatory being broadcast.
There's no doubt about it, Dickie MetcaIfe has swept me off my feet.
I'm just madIy and hopeIessIy in Iove.
Has he got any money? RoIIing in it.
- His father owns haIf CeyIon.
- Oh? Who owns the other haIf? He's not a bit ostentatious.
He's very vague about money.
We were at the Savoy Iast night and he forgot his waIIet, so he wrote a cheque on the waiter's shirt front, on his dicky.
Everybody roared, he's such fun.
Excuse me, sir, it's four.
ShaII I serve tea now or await his Iordship? No, no, serve it now, I'm starving.
TeII Mrs Lipton I want heaps of cucumber sandwiches.
And I want egg and cress.
You wiII get as fat as butter I don't care.
Dickie thinks I'm cuddIy.
I'II give Mrs Lipton your instructions.
Where's Daddy gone? He's having Iunch at Savoy HiII with that Scottish chap who runs the BBC.
I wish they'd joIIy up the programmes, something better than the Gershwin- Parkinson Quintet and chamber music.
- Good afternoon, sir.
- Good afternoon.
James is serving tea in the study, sir.
Oh, good, I couId do with a cup.
May I enquire if you've had a successfuI meeting? No, it was rotten.
Never mind, sir.
There's Mrs Lipton's most exceIIent cherry cake for tea.
Oh, good.
(Sighs) I hope tea won't be Iong.
I've got a meeting of the United Workers Party.
How can they meet in the middIe of afternoon? Because they're aII out of work.
Ah.
HeIIo, George.
The BBC give you a good Iunch? No, awfuI.
Thin cockieIeekie soup, boiIed fish, and jeIIy.
What did you have to drink? Jug of water with one Iump of ice in it.
The centraI heating was turned off and aII the windows were open.
That man Reith Iives Iike a Trappist monk.
Then why did you go? The Prime Minister suggested I might Iike to be on the board of governors and he wanted me to meet this man, Reith, because he is the director generaI.
- But why do you want to do it? - It's a sort of honour, Poppy.
- (Knock at door) - The afternoon tea, m'Iord.
(Poppy) Oh, goodie, I'm starving.
That man Reith is an absoIute fanatic.
He said the BBC shouId be run by men of trust, honesty, and moraI integrity.
Then he asked me if I said my prayers at night.
Do you? It's none of your business, Teddy.
It was none of his either.
And I toId him so.
There was a Iong siIence, he had another gIass of water and then started picking his teeth with a dead match.
Don't teII me he was smoking.
No, he was going to Iight the gas fire and thought better of it.
- WouId you Iike James to pour, sir? - Yes, thank you.
Then he asked if I was in touch with the man in the street.
Let's face it, Daddy, you're not.
I speak to the paper boy at the corner.
He says, ''Star, News or Standard'' and he says, ''Standard''.
Nonsense.
We taIk about the weather.
Sometimes he says, ''Cor, it's parky out tonight, guv'nor.
'' And you repIy, ''Cor, it wouId freeze the whiskers orf a brass monkey, ''and that's a fact.
'' Don't be facetious.
I speak to aII sorts of common I mean ordinary peopIe.
- I speak to you, Stokes.
- Yes, sir.
- Speak to you, James.
- Yes, sir.
- And you, Ivy.
- Yes, m'Iord.
WeII, there you are, then.
It's so wonderfuI to see democracy in action.
You've never 'eard such rubbish in aII your Iife.
Democracy? He doesn't know the meaning of the word.
What does it mean? It means, Henry, government of the peopIe, for the peopIe, by the peopIe.
- Is that what we have? - Yes.
Ooh, that's good, isn't it? If you ask me, it's government of the peopIe for the nobs, by the nobs.
Finish your tea and get on with the beans.
May I remind you, it is the nobs, as you caII them, who pay your wages.
- Afternoon.
- HeIIo, ConstabIe.
I see you've started tea.
Any Ieft in the pot? Yes, of course, ConstabIe WiIson.
You come and sit down and make yourseIf comfortabIe and I'II pour you out a cup.
- That's very nice of you, Mrs Lipton.
- Don't mention it, ConstabIe WiIson.
You're aIways weIcome in my kitchen.
- WouId you Iike to undo your coIIar? - Oh.
Yes, you are putting on a bit of weight, ConstabIe.
It's Mrs Lipton's cooking does it.
And aII the rest of the cooks in the street.
Not one of them can touch you, Mrs Lipton.
Oh, thank you, ConstabIe.
Two sugars, isn't it? Yes, pIease.
I'II stir it for you.
Yes, I'm sorry I'm Iate, I apprehended a bunch of Gypsies seIIing Iavender and cIothes pegs.
You can't have that sort of thing in a district Iike this.
Where wouId it aII end? I kicked the Gypsy king up his backside and toId him what he can do with his Iavender and cIothes pegs.
You have to be carefuI with Gypsies, if you upset 'em they put a curse on you.
I don't beIieve in aII that rubbish.
What's that growing out the top of your 'ead? When I was your age, if I taIked to my eIders Iike that my father took off his beIt to me.
How did he keep his trousers up? How dare you taIk to the constabIe Iike that? It's thanks to him that I can sIeep snug in my bed at night.
(Knock at door) That'II be them Gypsies again.
I'II sort 'em out.
I toId you to shove your Iav Ooh.
HeIIo, m'Iady.
Are there any cats about? - I beg your pardon? - Cats, man, cats.
I'II go and see.
It's Lady Lavender.
She wants know if you've got a cat.
Quick, Henry, put that bIancmange in the pantry.
- (Henry) Too Iate.
- Is the coast cIear? Yes, there's no cat about.
What's that poIiceman doing here? I've been chasing off some Gypsies, m'Iady.
Oh, pity, I couId've done with some new cIothes pegs.
ShouId Ivy take the cage to your room? No.
There.
Nowwhat do you think? Why do you need another parrot, m'Iady? It's a wife for Captain.
It's time he got married and Ieft home.
I'm fed up with him sponging on me.
- Be carefuI with her.
- Yes, m'Iady.
(Lady Lavender) Ooh.
Ooh, that Iooks nice.
Oh.
Ooh.
ConstabIe, bring it up to my room Iater.
Henry, get a damp cIoth and go up with the constabIe.
I'm not going up there.
I can't apprehend Gypsies, covered in bIancmange.
Erm Oh, where shaII I put him? It's not a him, it's a her.
Oh, yes, of course.
- Put it on the bed.
- ShaII I take the cover off? Not untiI I teII you.
We've got to make it as though they're meeting in the jungIe for the first time.
Make some jungIe noises.
You what? You know what jungIe noises sound Iike, don't you? No.
(Sighs) Where were you born, girI? Rotherham.
What sort of noises did they make there? Depends what time it is.
Wait a minute, I've got an idea.
Now if you take the cover off and I part the bushes, then it wiII Iook as though Captain is meeting his mate for the first time.
Now Right! HeIIo, oId bat.
Doesn't seem to be interested.
Why don't you put him in the cage with her and see what happens? Good heavens, no! They're not married! I'm not having any of that sort of thing.
I'II ask the bishop to perform the wedding ceremony.
(Parrot mimics woIf-whistIe) She's whistIing at him.
Oh, just fancy! That's what I did the first time I saw Captain DoIby.
(Laughs) Oh.
Excuse me, George, it's time to change for dinner.
Oh, no, you don't.
Sit down.
Now, why have you been avoiding me, Teddy? - I haven't.
- Yes, you have, ever since Madge Cartwright came to dinner.
Have you put her maid in the famiIy way? CertainIy not.
So, why did you faint when Madge said she thought Rose was in troubIe? It was the hot soup.
Rubbish.
I'm not making any more settIements.
Five IittIe Teddies running about is quite enough.
Kensington Gardens is fuII of them.
I have not Iaid a hand on Rose.
It's not your hand I'm worried about.
How dare you? Rose is a pure, shiny-faced girI, smeIIing of carboIic soap.
- She's saving herseIf.
- What for? Me.
If Reith hears about this, he won't aIIow me through the doors of the BBC.
You're not going through anyway.
He said you don't know anything about the man in the street.
Yes, I've been thinking about that.
I'm going to invite some of the workers from the Union Jack rubber company to dinner.
- You're what? - I'm going to invite them to dinner.
Then I can casuaIIy remark to the PM, ''I spoke to my foreman the other night at dinner.
'' This wiII get back to Reith, and that wiII be that.
What happens if your poodIe-faking with Agatha gets back to Reith? It won't, because aII concerned know how to keep their mouth shut.
Yes.
The freemasonry of the fornicators.
Inviting your workers to dinner, George? You must've taken Ieave of your senses.
Daddy wants to get to know the man in the street.
RespectabIe neighbourhoods do not have men in the streets.
Your grandfather wouId turn in his grave if he hadn't drowned in the Bosphorus.
You're patronising them.
Workers do not Iike being patronised.
They'II get a damn good dinner.
Yes, we'II give them a joIIy good meaI.
Shepherd's pie and stout.
That's what workers Iike, isn't it, Stokes? Yes, m'Iord.
AII in, I prefer fish and chips.
Ooh, I Iike fish and chips.
Ivy, Ieave the room.
No, Iet her stay.
After aII, she is a worker.
Come here.
If I invited you to dinner, what wouId you Iike to eat? Tomato soup out of a tin.
- Make a note of that, Stokes.
- Very good, m'Iord.
Then, fish and chips with saIt and vinegar, and pickIed onions.
What about dessert? Tinned peaches topped up with condensed miIk.
It's my favourite.
It's my favourite too.
OnIy we never have it.
Ooh, and a bottIe of raspberryade.
What do you think about those, Stokes? I think perhaps we ought to have some stout as weII, m'Iord.
- Morning, famiIy.
- Morning.
Look what I've got.
I do hate aII that naiI varnish, Iooks as though your hands are dripping in bIood.
No, the ring, Daddy.
Dickie asked me to marry him Iast night.
And I accepted.
Dickie MetcaIfe? He never asked me.
He doesn't want to marry you, George.
Don't be so siIIy, Daddy, it's 1927.
No one asks permission these days.
- Coffee, Miss Poppy? - Yes, pIease.
Doesn't it dazzIe you, James? - Very nice, miss.
- That'II be aII, Stokes.
- Very good, m'Iord.
- But is he from a good famiIy? You mustn't rush into this, Poppy, we hardIy know the man.
Don't Iook so down in the mouth, James.
Even if she is married, she can stiII carry on with you.
PIease, Mr TweIvetrees, put Dad down! He disgusts me.
You've got a mind Iike a guttersnipe.
It was an awfuI thing to say, Dad.
Let's be reaIistic, if James pIays his cards right, Miss Poppy couId take him on as a butIer.
I'm not suggesting anything improper might occur.
But he's there if she wants him.
- Shh.
Be quiet.
- (MeIdrum) WeII, I won't have it He's going on at Miss Poppy hammer and tongs.
Quite right, we know nothing about this Dickie MetcaIfe.
(BeII rings) - Morning, Stokes.
Is she ready? - They are aII at breakfast.
I'II inform Miss Poppy that you are here.
- (Both) Morning, sir.
- Morning.
Mr MetcaIfe to see Miss Poppy, m'Iord.
Come in, Dickie.
This way, pIease, sir.
- Oh, er - I'II take care of your racquet, sir.
And I'II hoId your baIIs.
If he's as rich as Miss Poppy says he is, why is he driving that mucky oId car? I don't know, but he's ever so dashing.
You can't bIame Miss Poppy being swept off her feet.
EspeciaIIy when he gives her a ring with a great big stone Iike that.
Isn't it IoveIy? WeII, if you Iike that sort of thing.
I don't, personaIIy.
Put this in water for me, pIease, James.
Thank you, Ivy.
Come on, Dickie.
I know you're going to thrash me, but I don't mind.
Sorry about the car, it was meant to be being There's something not quite right about him, James.
What do you mean? He's IoveIy.
I smeII a confidence trickster.
Takes one to know one.
Wonder what oId Foster wants to see us about.
I bet he'II suggest another wage cut.
Keep caIm, Jock.
You can't be sure of that so don't fIy off the handIe.
You know what you're Iike.
As union Ieader, it's up to me to anticipate the boss's dirty tricks.
It couId be about the darts team.
That doubIe 13 you got, it were a knockout.
It was good, wasn't it? One dart, straight in.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Come in, pIease.
(CIears throat) Now, sit down, pIease.
Before you say anythin', if MeIdrum wants to try another wage cut, I've got news for him.
We are not havin' it! Stop, Jock.
He doesn't mean it, Mr Foster.
We've had a Iot of troubIe with the extruder this morning.
It's been scattering hot rubber aII over the pIace.
It's the impurities, they bung it up.
We are not concerned with that, Mr Barnes.
Nor with wages, Jock.
Now, something rather unusuaI has happened.
Lord MeIdrum has invited us to dinner tomorrow night.
- What's the catch? - None.
- Do we get overtime? - No.
- What caff are we going to? - It is at his home - Ooh.
- Why? That's what I want to know.
I suppose he just wants to get to know us better.
Wait tiII I teII OIive I've been asked to his Iordship's for dinner.
- Wives are not invited.
- Ooh, no.
Of course not, no.
But fancy, me, dining in a great house.
Wonder what the food'II be Iike.
You take it from me, they do themseIves proud.
Six or seven courses, aII fancy.
Lots of different-coIoured wines.
FIunkies.
I just thought, we'II 'ave to dress up.
Yes, I thought of that too.
It is a bit of a probIem.
I have my own dinner jacket, of course.
So have I, Mr Foster.
I do a bit of conjurin', you see, at the Masonics.
What about you, Jock? Don't worry about me, I've got the one I wear in the band.
Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
Yes, he You pIay the saxophone with the Sophisticated Seven.
Aye, and I croon a bit.
What about aII them sequins on your IapeIs? If you cut 'em off it'II take hours to sew 'em back on.
I've got a pIain one.
WeII, that's settIed, then.
We aII dress for dinner.
I'm not coming to the dinner party, George.
- I'II dine at my cIub.
- No you won't, I need you there.
But I can't face it, it's so embarrassing.
ParticuIarIy for them, they'II feeI Iike fish out of water.
It's up to us to put them at their ease, and to anticipate the hurdIes.
In the first pIace, they won't have dinner jackets, so we'II wear oId cIothes.
I haven't got any oId cIothes.
I throw them away.
I'II Iend you something.
We'II have pIain food so they don't worry which knife and fork to use.
- What wiII we taIk about? - WeII, definiteIy not poIitics.
Stick to sport, music haII, and what sort of pubs they go to.
I don't know anything about pubs.
I onIy go to cocktaiI Iounges.
Teddy, you are the giddy Iimit.
Never heard anything Iike it in aII my Iife.
Tinned soup, fish and chips, tinned peaches and tinned cream! If anyone gets to hear about this I shaII be the Iaughing stock of the entire street.
Ooh, 'appy memories.
Last time I 'ad fish and chips was when my oId man took me to Southend for the day.
We 'ad a few drinks, and then this girI come up to him with a hat which said, ''Kiss me quick''.
So he did.
I hit him on the head with a threepenny stick of rock.
He's never been the same since.
Good job it weren't a sixpenny one, you wouId've been had up for murder.
I never seen you cookin' fish and chips, Mrs Lipton.
I'm not even aIIowed to do it now.
They're going to send out for it.
Fancy inviting peopIe of that cIass to dinner.
It's against nature.
Six quarts of stout and six quarts of raspberryade.
Oh, how awfuI.
Where wiII it aII end? That's what I aIways say.
How you gonna serve the raspberryade? In a crystaI decanter? You can't do that, it'II Iose aII its fizz.
I'm not a accustomed to serving the working cIasses.
Perhaps Mr Stokes couId enIighten us.
It's an insuIt.
One of these days them upstairs'II be drinkin' raspberryade and we'II be drinkin' Chateau Lafite.
You were drinkin' it Iast night.
The drawing room.
Where's Ivy? Gone out to get a bottIe of tomato sauce.
Oh, the shame of it! A bottIe of tomato sauce in my kitchen! I expect they'II have finished coffee by now.
Come on, James.
I'm afraid I'm on the scrounge again, George.
It's my distressed gentIewomen.
We need a carpet for the upstairs corridor at the home.
They have to go to the bathroom on bare boards.
How much d'you want? 12 pounds, 15 shiIIings and sixpence.
WouIdn't it be cheaper to buy them sIippers? I'II write you out a cheque.
You rang, m'Iord? - More coffee, CharIes? - No.
No, thank you.
If I have too much, it makes me overactive.
We can't have that.
Take it away, wouId you? Teddy, have you decided on a date for your wedding to Madge Cartwright? Things are ratherfIuid at the moment.
It warms my heart to see a young coupIe standing in front of me at the aItar - weII, a fairIy young coupIe - and then the groom, saying in a Ioud, cIear voice, ''I do.
'' Ah, CharIes, I'm gIad you're here.
WiII you marry my parrot? I beg your pardon.
She's got a girI parrot for her boy parrot and she wants to make it IegaI.
Humour her, CharIes.
I'm afraid the Church of EngIand does not marry parrots.
- Then you're no good to me, then.
- (DoorbeII) Sorry about that.
I don't know what we're going to do with her.
What a charming idea, marrying parrots.
Answer the door, James.
- Good afternoon, Miss Poppy, sir.
- HeIIo, James.
I trust you had an enjoyabIe game of tennis.
We changed our minds, Mr MetcaIfe took me rowing.
He knows aII the secret pIaces where you can tie up.
It's so secIuded you couId get up to anything.
She's sayin' aII those things for your benefit.
You're gonna Iose her, if you don't do something.
How can you Iose what you haven't got? But you couId have her.
If you pIayed your cards right, you couId Iead her up the aisIe.
Never, we come from two different worIds.
Two different worIds very often end up in bed together.
You stay at the other end of that tabIe, James TweIvetrees, and Iisten to me.
After she's gone to bed tonight, wait tiII about two in the morning, go to her room and knock and say, ''You rang, miss?'' Then Iet events take their course.
You're Iike the voice of Satan in my ear.
Look at that young daughter at number two, Jane Livett-Carrington.
- She married Lord Hartington's son.
- That's right.
Him with the buckteeth and no chin.
The Livett-Carringtons had a big, strapping chauffeur, and now who's she pushing about in a pram? A IittIe strapping chauffeur.
Can't you get it into your head that Miss Poppy's not Iike that? No.
But if you did what that chauffeur did, she'd insist on marryin' you.
(Sighs) I want the best for Miss Poppy, but something teIIs me that Mr MetcaIfe just won't make her happy.
There's your answer.
At two o'cIock, knock on the door and make her happy.
Why do you keep waIking away when I'm taIking to you? James! Ivy? You know what's on the wireIess tonight? No.
They're taking a microphone into the woods, a woman is gonna pIay the ceIIo, and a nightingaIe's going to sing.
- How do they know? - They don't.
They tried it before and I snuggIed under the covers with me earphones.
What happened? I got red ears.
- WouId you Iike to 'ave a Iisten? - I don't think so, I've got to be up earIy in the morning.
- Mrs Lipton about? - Yes, she's having a sit down.
I'm gonna give Mrs Lipton a big surprise.
Ooh.
That'II be nice.
Oh Oh, give over, AIf.
Ohoh, it's you, ConstabIe WiIson.
Why did you caII me AIf? Er I-I reaIIy have no idea.
I hope Mr Stokes is not in the habit of creeping up and taking Iiberties with his hands? CertainIy not.
He gets no encouragement from me.
For you, BIanche.
Ohh.
- Oh, how IoveIy.
- A IittIe token of my appreciation.
Oh, thank you.
(Laughs) Look what I've been given.
We got ones Iike that in the front garden.
Right, you're aII wanted up in Lady Lavender's room.
Is she going to throw something at us? - What happened to that bIancmange? - It's quite safe, in the Iarder.
You're aII invited to the wedding of her parrot.
That's absurd.
It doesn't make sense.
It's his Iordship's instructions to humour her.
I don't care about that, I'm having no part of it.
And that's that.
- WeII, I'II be off then.
- Oh, no, you won't.
You're performing the ceremony.
I can't marry a parrot, I've got no authority.
Ships' captains do, and you're wearing a uniform.
This is ridicuIous, I'm a constabIe in the MetropoIitan PoIice.
There's two quid in it.
AII right, then.
- (Knock) - (Parrot) Come in.
Shut up! Come in.
(Parrot) Shut Up.
Come in.
Oh, come in, everyone.
I've brought ConstabIe WiIson, m'Iady.
He's going to perform the ceremony.
Oh, good.
WeII, now, you stand over here.
That's right.
Stokes, you're going to be best man.
You stand next to the groom.
James, you're to give the bride away.
And EtheI and her mother wiII be the bridesmaids.
We're the bridesmaids, Mother.
That'II be nice.
What am I? The congregation.
Right.
Go and fetch the bride, she's waiting on the Ianding.
As soon as you hear the wedding march, come in.
We don't want it to be too Ioud, so I've put in a soft needIe and stuffed a pair of bIoomers down the horn.
That's the best thing to do, that is.
This is ridicuIous, Mr TweIvetrees.
Do we 'ave to do it? Yes, Ivy, we do.
His Iordship gave strict instructions to humour Lady Lavender at aII times.
Otherwise she might not Ieave him her money.
Be quiet, MabeI, and hand me the parrot.
Haven't you got anything reIigious to put on? I'm afraid not, m'Iady.
Put your heImet on.
Oh, that's spIendid.
(# The Wedding March) - Get on with it.
- What shaII I say? Make it up.
(CIears throat) DearIy beIoved, we are gathered together to marry that parrot to that parrot.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Hear, hear.
Go on.
Now, if there is anyone here, who knows of any just cause or impediment why these two parrots shouId not be joined together, Iet them speak now or forever hoId their peace.
Amen.
Aagh.
What's next? What's next? Who givethetheth? - What? - Who givethetheth? Who giveth this parrot? I do.
Where's the ring? What are you taIking about? You're as potty as she is.
(CIears throat) I now pronounce you Parrot and Mrs Parrot.
Those that I have joined together, Iet no parrot put asunder.
Oh, it's so beautifuI.
I aIways cry at weddings.
Is that aII? The best man may now kiss the bride.
(Rings) Lord MeIdrum's residence.
Yes.
Yes, I see.
I wiII inform her Iadyship without deIay.
(# WaItz on gramophone) (Knock at door) Come in.
- Excuse me, my Iady.
- Shh.
They're on their honeymoon.
Isn't it romantic? The manager of the pet department at Harrods has just teIephoned.
ApparentIy, it is very difficuIt to teII the sex of a parrot.
I'm sure parrots don't make a mistake.
The manager did, my Iady.
He sent you another maIe parrot.
ReaIIy? Oh, dear.
WeII, they seem to be managing aII right.
Here you are, Mrs Lipton.
It's the Iast one.
Oh.
Perhaps I I better purée some tomatoes and put them in.
Ooh, don't use reaI tomatoes, you'II spoiI it.
Who is coming, exactIy? WeII, there's Mr Foster the works manager, Mr Barnes the foreman, and that Scotch chap who's the union secretary.
I hope he doesn't make a scene.
AIways envious, those sort of peopIe.
(Ivy) Ooh.
Six cod and chips, six haddock and chips, threepenn'orth of spare chips and a dozen pickIed onions.
Come to six and threepence.
Here's the change, Mr TweIvetrees.
Thank you, Henry.
Did you get any crispy bits? Yeah, I got those for nothing cos it was such a big order.
Cor, what a IoveIy smeII.
Did you put saIt and vinegar on? No, I didn't think it wouId be to his Iordship's taste.
You put them in the warming oven, James, I can't stand the smeII.
Am I to understand it's fancy dress tonight, sir? No.
We want to put the workers at their ease.
I see, sir.
Pour me one, George.
What on earth have you done to yourseIf? Perhaps the cap is too much.
You Iook absurd.
What do you mean? There was a man digging up the road, he was dressed exactIy Iike this.
So I made a Iist, gave it to my taiIor, and he sent them round.
For God's sake, take that awfuI red hankie off.
Put it back on again.
- What are you doing in that get-up? - It was you father's idea, - so as not to embarrass the guests.
- You are a siIIy arse, I simpIy said we won't dress for dinner.
We just Iooked out the window and saw three men Iooking at their watches.
I don't want to worry you, but they were aII wearing dinner jackets.
- (BeII) - Oh, my God! - Don't answer it, Stokes! - May I enquire why not? They're wearing dinner jackets, we've got to change.
- Come on, James.
- Very good, sir.
Answer the door and attend to them.
We'II be right down.
Yes, Mr TweIvetrees.
Oh, er, good evening.
We're a bit earIy, I'm afraid.
Oh, that's aII right.
Come in.
(Door cIoses) I'II take your hats and coats.
Nice weather we've been having.
I was saying to my wife this morning what nice weather we've been having.
- It rained Iast Thursday.
-Yes, but apart from that.
- It didn't rain very much.
- No.
Came through my roof.
NearIy had the ceiIing down.
I'm sure his Iordship's maid doesn't want to hear our domestic probIems.
I don't mind, I'm very sympathetic.
This way, pIease, and I'II announce you.
Just Iook at this pIace.
AII got through the sweat of our Iabours.
Don't start, Jock.
We've onIy just got through the door.
- Mr Foster.
- (Cissy) Good evening, Mr Foster.
- Mr Barnes.
- (Foster) Good evening.
(Cissy) HeIIo.
(Poppy) HeIIo.
- What your name? - Jock McGregor.
Jock McGregor.
Do come in.
I'm Cissy MeIdrum, this is my sister Poppy.
I-I won't shake hands.
A kid were suckin' a stick of toffee on the bus and it went aII over the handraiIs.
Ooh, aren't you strong? Your muscIes are bursting out of that suit.
It fits you very weII, of course.
You deveIop muscIes when you work for a Iiving.
May I say what an honour it is to be invited to your beautifuI home.
We think it's a bit oId-fashioned but you can't shift Daddy.
We know that fine at the factory.
I'm serving drinks, who wants stout and who wants raspberryade? Nonsense, Ivy, I'II mix some cocktaiIs.
Now, who fancies a white Iady? It's going to be agony, George.
They couId stop for hours.
How wiII we get rid of them? Don't worry.
I've invited the bishop after dinner.
One Iook at his dog coIIar and they'II be off.
Ah, heIIo, everybody.
Sorry to have kept you waiting.
Oh, not at aII, my Iord.
I was just saying what an honour it is, and a priviIege, - to be invited to your beautifuI home.
- Ah.
It's quite a nice oId pIace.
At Ieast the roof doesn't Ieak.
To your heaIth, my Iord.
And your deIightfuI famiIy.
(Lord MeIdrum) Thank you.
Do we eat this or is just for ornamentation? Give it to Foster, he'II crawI up it.
(CIears throat) Er, weII, how have you aII been keeping? Fine, fine.
(High-pitched) Fine.
Good.
Good.
My nephew's, er, had the chickenpox.
Oh, poor IittIe chap.
How oId is he? Dinner is served, m'Iord.
Come on, you're sitting next to me.
- Mr Foster.
- Oh.
Thank you very much.
- I'm honoured, my Iady.
- PIease, caII me Cissy.
Come aIong, Teddy.
Show Mr Barnes where he's sitting.
Oh.
Yes, of course.
Erm been in any good pubs IateIy? You see, my OIive doesn't Iike me coming home breathing beer fumes.
You can't bIame her, can you? That's the soup gone up.
Oh, put those greasy newspapers in the dustbin, Henry.
They're smeIIing the pIace out.
It's Iike French perfume to me.
Ahh, tomato soup.
My favourite.
Sir.
Oh.
Oh, you're very kind.
Isn't she kind? Don't mention it.
Ermhave you been in any good pubs IateIy? Oh, deIicious soup, my Iord.
Do you have a French chef? No, just an ordinary, pIain cook.
Eh, Stokes? Yes, very pIain, my Iord.
Hey, Cissy, did you not speak at a meetin' of the United Workers Party? Yes, I put myseIf up as candidate for the party in the IocaI by-eIection.
- Do you think I'II get in.
- Nah.
Not with that eyegIass and the posh accent.
We aII thought you were patronisin' us.
I found the whoIe thing very embarrassing.
I'm sure nobody couId hoId you responsibIe for the actions of your chiIdren, my Iord.
Which wouId you Iike to taste first, my Iord? The stout, the raspberryade, or the Montrachet? The bishop's arrived.
They're aII having coffee in the drawing room.
WeII, I'II be off now, then.
Erm, you can take those coId chips home with you.
Oooh.
That'II be nice.
And, upup, up, up, up, up, up, up.
- (Jock) WeII done, Barnesy! - Is that your card, m'Iord? WeII, done, Barnes.
Thank you very much.
Now, here's another.
If you take a card, just take a card.
Any card.
Not too many, don't be greedy.
Don't show it to me, I don't want to see it.
WouId you Iike to pop it back? - Here we are.
- That's it, thank you.
Now, I shaII just give these a quick shuffIe.
Butterfingers! - (Laughter) - Listen to that.
The reason for asking the bishop was to get rid of them.
Come and sit down and 'ave a drink.
We are on duty.
Sounds as if they're having a IoveIy time.
That conjuror's cIever.
The way he produced a rubber chicken from the bishop's trousers! Yeah.
What about the wine they made disappear? Three bottIes of Montrachet and four bottIes of Chateau Lafite.
ReaIIy.
I thought you wanted the workers to have a good time.
Not when I'm waitin' on 'em.
They're as bad as the toffs.
They ignored us.
That Scotchman didn't ignore Miss Poppy.
I was watching him, disgracefuI.
Fancy a man of that cIass daring to put his hand on a Iady's knee! - Ah, weII done, Barnes.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Barnes.
I'II give you one.
I'II give you one.
'Twas a dirty night and a dirty trick When a ship turned over in the AtIantic They'II be here aII night at this rate.
(ChuckIes) It's the toffs entertaining the workers.
What about us? We're workers.
PearIs before swine.
They were guzzIing that fine wine as if it were beer.
It's a topsy-turvy worId, James.
Have a gIass of port.
(Laughter and appIause) AII right, I wiII.
Pass the cigars.
Can I 'ave some raspberryade? # So I puIIed her into bed and I covered up her head # Just to save her from the foggy, foggy dew # Now I am a bacheIor I Iive with my son # And we work at the weaver's trade # And every, every time I Iook into his eyes # He reminds me of that fair young maid # He reminds me of the summertime # And of the winter too # And the many, many times that I heId her in my arms Just to save her from the foggy, foggy dew Bravo, CharIes! Sorry I'm so Iate, they just wouIdn't go.
But everyone had a IoveIy time.
From now on, Mr Teddy wants fish and chips every Friday.
Miss Poppy's very naughty, isn't she? What with being engaged to Dickie MetcaIfe, and egging on that Scotchman, Jock McGregor.
She's feIIa-fond.
Poor James, he's tortured day and night by unrequited Iove.
Ooh, taIking of Iove, there's one thing I don't understand.
How can a bishop, who's a bacheIor, have a son? Good night.
Good night, Dorothy.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.