Abbott Elementary (2021) s03e05 Episode Script

1
Check out the new sub. Oof.
Little bow tie. That does not bode well.
Uh, I beg to differ.
You know how hard it is
to tie one of those?
That man has already
persevered once today.
- I think he got this.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Grand rising, brother
- All right.
- Sister
- Mm.
And ma'am.
I'm Ethan Joyner,
subbing for the second grade.
Thanks for coming in. You'll be
right down the hall and on the left.
Okay. Thank you.
He will be selling bean pies
betwixt lanes of traffic before lunch.
Five bucks that he's gone
by the end of recess.
You know what? Gregory
really needs a win today.
- I'll take that bet.
- All right.
I just smelled a smelly smell
that I've never s-smelled before, and
and the doorknobs are so sticky!
I think I just lost
a couple fingerprints.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] I forgot.
I actually want to be a lawyer.
But the kids ain't even here yet.
Mm-mm-mm. Mm-mm.
It's a clip-on! [LAUGHS]
A real bow-tie bamboozle. Mm-hmm.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
You want to get a drink
at Rubies tonight?
Uh, yeah. I'm down.
Did y'all not check out
Sabrina's yesterday?
- Oh, we did.
- Yeah. Did you mention my name?
Yeah. The staff had
a really loaded reaction.
Bet you didn't have to pay, though.
Monetarily? No. Emotionally, however
You know, you're a real
social butterfly lately.
Takes me back to when
I used to stay out all night
to avoid my problems.
But that was last week.
Old gal still got it, huh?
I mean young maiden.
Hey, that's how we roll, Mel Mel.
Dudin' it up. Blokin' it back.
Bro-ing it down.
Really?
MR. JOHNSON: We used to be
the Three Musketeers.
But now I'm one musketeer,
and they're just two [BLEEP]
that don't invite me to things.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hey, there. How you doing?
I'm Melissa Schemmenti.
I'm the other second grade teacher,
so I just wanted to pop over and say hi
and let you know
I'm right across the hall.
- Thanks.
- In case you need anything.
- Okay.
- I doubt I'll have any issues.
I used to be a kid. I think
I can handle a dozen me's.
Well, you know, this is a public school,
so there's gonna be
like 30 of youse there.
[LAUGHS] Thirty?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
That's three groups of ten.
Hey, you're qualified
to take classes here.
- Yeah. Well, thanks for checking in.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna be the best temp
these parts have ever seen.
You mean sub.
- I did mean sub.
- Yeah.
But not all of us can remember
the right words every time.
Um, how long you been a sub?
Ever since I got my gift card
gift certificate
teaching certificate.
Teaching feels like a gift.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Okay, y'all. Good job today.
And remember, practicing is more
important than your homework.
And if any of your teachers disagree,
I can and will fire them.
Well, I hope the gym
is to everyone's liking.
I find the acoustics to be delicious.
Well, Sister Howard,
with a little practice,
our voices will ring louder
than that lipstick of yours.
[WOMEN MURMURING]
My church choir is going to be
rehearsing in the school gym
because they found mold
in the church rehearsal room.
So I'm graciously letting them use
the freshly named
Ava Coleman Memorial Coliseum
for a very reasonable
yet expensive price.
All right, choir.
The announcement of the closing number
for the Triumphant Love Concert.
After careful deliberation
and consultation,
we are going to sing "Shackles."
Oh! Just imagine.
One woman will harness
the power of two Marys!
- Right you are, Sister Howard.
- Yes!
And we all know there's only one woman
who can lead us through
those melodious pastures.
Yes.
Sheila! [WOMEN MURMURING]
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
- Congratulations, Sheila.
- AVA: Ooh, ooh.
Have y'all heard the mash-up
between "Shackles" and "Poundtown"?
You are not gonna believe what
she took the shackles off of.
Guess.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, DART THUDS]
Ah! I love it here!
It's like "Cheers"
except nobody knows my name.
Hey. I'm gonna go close out.
Oh, close out?
Not so fast, mon frère.
I'm trying to get another round!
Of water. The drinks here
are a wee bit pricy.
Don't you think it's getting a
little late for a school night?
It's okay.
I will caffeinate to the gods tomorrow.
Besides, I think Zach's still awake,
so I kind of want to wait that out.
Oh, what's going on? You all in a fight?
Didn't nobody tell you to stay
out of gay folks' business?
Now, you know that's not the same.
Fine.
Yeah, we've we've been
arguing a bit more lately,
but that's normal.
You have your honeymoon phase
and then your "I'm in Hell" phase
and then "I guess
we're stuck here" phase.
And then you get married,
and then you die.
Well, how long has this been going on?
Mm, about a month.
Wait. No. February is almost over.
So I'd say seven months.
Seven months?
We're bored, I guess.
We go entire days without talking.
And when we do, we're just
kind of pretending
to still be into each other.
And when we're not bored,
we're bickering.
I don't know. It's just
It's not working.
It's like a DC movie over here.
I-I don't want to overstep,
but at this point,
if you're avoiding going home,
you might want to consider breaking up.
Well, when you put it like that,
I guess it's pretty obvious, huh?
[DART THUDS] Oh! Nice!
I got one!
Take the shackles off my feet
so I can dance ♪
I just want to praise You ♪
What you gonna do? ♪
- I'm gonna praise You ♪
- Damn, Barb!
You were robbed of that solo.
Sister Sipp picks who she thinks
should sing the solos
based upon who she thinks
is gonna sing it best.
And it just so happens it's never me.
That's just like my sorority.
If you're not cool with the mean girls,
they'll have you all the way
at the back of the step show
like the creepy uncle at a wedding.
But this is different.
What is a choir if not
a sorority for the Lord?
While I do not agree, I see your point.
At the next rehearsal, you
need to ask for what you want.
You got to walk in there
like "I am that girl."
I am that woman.
That girl.
I am that lady.
It's just that that doesn't
really hit the same.
[WHISPERING] That girl.
- That girl.
- Yes.
[CHILDREN SCREAMING]
Is everything all right?!
For sure.
Been using tactics I read
in a book I heard.
You know, sometimes it feels
like I'm the one teaching them.
Where did you say you got
your teacher's certification?
I didn't.
You didn't get your certification?
No, I didn't say.
Hey, you want to get in on this?
Aah!
We can't bill them. [PHONE BUZZES]
Hey, Melissa. Look,
I'm completely underwater
and just in the middle of an
impossible decision right now.
- What's up?
- Okay.
There's a phony subbing for your class.
Oh, my goodness. Are the kids okay?
Yeah, they're fine, but there is no way
this person has a teaching certificate.
Melissa, are you sure?
I mean, I cannot be weird
about another sub.
Please just look up
Cassidy Jeffrey for me.
Okay. But you owe me one.
I'm hanging up now.
All right.
I didn't get in this position by
shying away from bold choices.
Put me down for the
Waldorf salad, extra grapes.
Damn it, Janine. You've done it again.
Them doughnuts are gonna kill you.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know that, right?
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
VEHICLES PASSING IN DISTANCE]
Witchyo nosy ass.
- Well, I did it.
- You broke up with him?
What? No. Never.
I started the process of
getting him to break up with me.
By telling him that you're
unhappy in the relationship?
Uh, no.
By doing things
that I know he doesn't like.
For example, when I just
got out of the car right now,
I did not say goodbye.
He hates that.
So you did nothing.
Trust me, this is not nothing, okay?
If I know him, he is
absolutely fuming right now.
I can't watch.
- Hey, man, you got a second?
- Uh, I'm kind of busy.
I got to finish watching the Eras Tour.
When Zach finds out
I watched it without him,
we are gonna have bad blood.
- I said we're gonna have bad
- Yeah, I heard you. Um, look.
I don't think you're gonna end up
feeling really good about
what you're doing here.
I don't. I feel terrible.
Then why are you doing it?
Because I love Zach,
and if I break up with him,
it will crush him.
And so I'm doing this for him.
Okay.
Maybe I should stay out
of gay folks' business,
but you can't actually
think this is gonna work.
Would some positive
reinforcement kill you?
I have never broken up
with someone, okay?
I don't even know how to do it.
Uh, "Hey, Zach, neither of us is happy,
and so I think we should break up"?
- That's pretty much exactly it.
- Well, you would know.
You're, like, the only person
who's been dumped
more times than I have.
My time for caring about this
has expired.
- Wait.
- No, no, no.
You said what you said. I heard you.
- I
- Mm-hmm.
What do you got for me, kid?
Not only can I not find
a sub cert for Cassidy Jeffrey,
there's not even
a Cassidy Jeffrey in the system.
[GASPS] I knew it. Okay.
Are you on your way down here
now to bury their ass?
Just hold your horsies, okay?
I will be there when I can,
but they need me here.
[SIGHS] What
[PHONE BEEPS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, sorry. I had to take that call.
We saw you dial.
Emily, I swear to God.
Barbara, is that a new
ear piercing I see?
No, Sister Sloss. It's the same one.
You mean the same several.
Before we begin, I'd like
to throw my hat in the ring
as lead singer on "Shackles."
I've been in the choir
for quite some time now,
and I think that I deserve a chance.
Well, that's rather unorthodox,
but I shouldn't say I'm surprised.
In order for us to get a better
sense of your vocal stylings,
why don't you sing "O Happy Day"?
Oh. A curveball.
O happy day ♪
Thank you!
That was beautiful.
However, "Shackles"
is more in Sheila's key,
so I think we'll stick with her.
I understand.
[SCOFFS] I don't.
And this time it's not because
I wasn't paying attention.
Ava, please. Just calm down.
Nah! 'Cause they ain't gonna be
lying in my coliseum.
No, no. They have made up their minds.
It's fine.
This is ridiculous.
I've heard Sheila sing.
What she does to those songs,
it's not right.
It's not of the Lord.
Well, sometimes she does sound like
she's the one up on the cross.
[LAUGHS] That's a good one.
Let's go back in and say that.
No.
Ava, I tried. Let's just leave it alone.
[SIGHS]
Well, the plan continues
to work flawlessly.
Last night, I focused on
the most passive-aggressive room
in our one-bedroom apartment
the kitchen.
I didn't squeeze out the sponge.
I left the microwave door open.
As if that wasn't enough, I made toast.
I took a knife, and I spread the butter,
and then I took that same knife
and I got some jelly.
I left everything out,
and then I took a big old bite.
[DOOR OPENS] Crumbs, like, everywhere.
[GASPS]
It's frightening how good I am
at all of this.
It's, um I'm s I'm scaring myself.
All right. We got to do this quickly.
Pulled out of an early meeting.
Told them I had to go feed the meter.
Don't you guys have a parking lot?
They knew I was lying. Ready?
Oh, absolutely.
You know, most people
calm down over time,
but I just get angrier
and less rational.
That's concerning.
- [JANINE CLEARS THROAT]
- Oh. Hello, Melissa and
Your worst nightmare.
The jig is up, Jeffrey.
I actually work at the school district.
And guess who isn't
in the substitute database?
Who? You.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I've subbed all over Philly.
Oh, yeah? What schools?
Washington. Jefferson. Roosevelt.
McKinley. Roosevelt again.
Okay. You're just naming presidents.
- You're out of here.
- Yeah.
I've searched every employment file
that the district has,
and there's no record
of a Cassidy
Is it "Gee-oh-free"?
It's pronounced "Jeffrey."
But it isn't spelled that way,
now, is it?
And And I bet
if I spelled it correctly
that there would be a record
of you at the district.
Yeah, you really
stepped in it this time,
didn't you, Teagues? [CLEARS THROAT]
So, is that the German spelling?
Ja.
It's finally gonna be over soon.
Zach just sent a text that said,
"We need to talk,"
and he should be here momentarily.
You shouldn't have doubted me.
My plan worked, and your plan shorked.
Not a word. I just came
to get my pen I forgot.
Hey, Gregory!
Oh, hey, Zach. I just came
to grab my pen and I'll be out.
You seemed really, uh, stressed
in your text. What did
you want to talk about?
Jacob, I've been rather
frustrated and confused.
Well, that seems really
frustrating and confusing.
And you don't deserve to feel that way.
My brother, if I could just
Jacob, I didn't think
it would come to this,
but I think we should go
to couples counseling.
I wanna break up!
This is exactly why
I'm not in a throuple.
- You want to break up? What?
- You want to break up? What?
Jacob, you said you wanted to break up.
Are you sure you didn't say it first?
Because I-I think you did.
And if that's the case,
I-I totally understand.
I'm glad you got that off your chest.
Jacob, what's going on?
Are you breaking up with me?
Yes. I don't think we
should be together.
I'm sorry.
We haven't been happy
for a long time, okay?
I felt it. I know you felt it.
I don't think either of us
wanted to admit
that this is what needs to happen.
In my heart of hearts,
if I'm being completely honest,
maybe I just brought up couples therapy
because I was too afraid
to rip off the bandage.
Mm.
This sucks.
Yeah.
I mean thank you for being upfront.
That took guts.
Well don't give me too much credit.
I've I've been so scared.
I've been trying to get you
to break up with me.
Sorry. What?
Well, actually, it's
it's really funny.
Like, because I've been
trying to drive you nuts
so that you would break up with me.
Is that why you've been buying
two of every condiment
despite our limited fridge
and cabinet space?
No. That was That was
a genuine mistake
each and every time.
But, uh, everything else
was kinda on purpose.
Jacob Hill, you sick bitch.
You just released the kraken.
[CLAPS HANDS] Ca-caw!
The kraken isn't a bird.
It's a sea mons
Quiet, sweet prince.
I don't have to care about that anymore.
And FYI Your facts were never fun,
composting is disgusting,
and you held our team back
at trivia night.
Oh, my God ♪
JACOB: You were right.
I was.
I should have talked to him immediately.
You should've.
You came back for me.
Came back for my pen.
[PEN CLICKS]
Yeah, I guess I do have other pens.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Oh. There you are.
Here is the key to the gym.
I will not be sticking around
to overhear those old biddies
praying for the curbs
to stop being so high.
Thanks, Ava.
I know why my sorority sisters
don't like me.
But why don't those
church ladies like you, Barb?
I'm too modern for them.
I am not Christian enough for them.
All because you got a few piercings?
If anybody can appreciate
a few extra holes
in their bodies, it's Jesus.
It is not just about the piercings.
It is the jazz nights with Gerald.
It's the all-inclusive cruises
where Sea Barbara
pokes her little head out.
And not to mention that
I'm friends with some of
Abbott's more colorful teachers.
Why do you even want
to be part of that choir
if that's how they treat you?
Because when I'm singing, that's
when I feel closest to God.
And when my kids were younger,
you know, balancing it all,
it was it was rough.
So one day I didn't go to church.
And then the next week,
we didn't go to church.
And I just started to think
if I could just give it all up
like that, what does that mean?
Then I started questioning
my faith altogether.
And then one day, I heard
"Shackles" on the radio.
And that song ooh!
It brought me back to church.
[SIGHS]
"The testing of your faith
produces perseverance."
Not you quoting scripture.
Lord, He does work in mysterious ways.
Not that mysterious.
You thought they could
keep me away from a place
that passes out free money
on a free plate?
You know something, Ava? You are right.
Ah. The Lord wants me to persevere.
He wants me to tell that story.
Yes!
Tell that story.
That's not what I meant at all.
Hey. How we doing, buddy?
Not great. Turns out
Zach is the vengeful type.
He shrunk all of my shrinkables,
which is pretty much
every sweater I own.
And not only do I need new clothes,
but I also have to find
a new apartment and soon.
Zach has already started writing
a one-man show about me.
He's calling it "Fleabag,"
but with an "F."
"Fleafaf"?
No.
I am so sick of you two.
Um, why don't we go
to Rubensteins tonight?
I should probably teach you
how to throw darts
so you don't take somebody's eye out.
We can invite Janine.
Yeah. That sounds nice.
Hey, can can you grab
that granola for me?
It's on the top shelf, and I've
got this situation happening.
Yeah.
Just came from apologizing to the sub.
- Oh.
- It went well,
but they are filing a complaint
with the school district.
Just hope they spell
Teagues with two G's.
I'm sorry I roped you
into this whole thing.
I don't know whether it's
'cause I'm down to one class
or I'm home by myself
all the time now or
I don't know
maybe I'm just plain bored.
Maybe you just miss getting
into classic high jinks
with you and me.
Nah. That's not it.
It's the bored thing.
So, did you tell them why
"Shackles" was so important to you?
I did. They were unmoved.
I knew they wouldn't go for it.
Church ladies, sorority sisters,
everyone who's ever worked
at a dermatologist's office
They're all the same.
You know what? It's all right.
I've learned not to overlook
my many blessings.
Besides, I still get to perform
a song that means so much to me.
And you get to do it twice.
What do you mean?
I threw together this little
surprise recital for Barb,
because apparently you can't key
a church lady's car anymore?
Well, go on in.
[APPLAUSE]
[MID-TEMPO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]
- It sure is hot out here.
- Go, girl.
I don't mind, though.
I'm just glad to be free.
Know what I'm sayin'? Unh!
Take the shackles off my feet
so I can dance ♪
I just want to praise You ♪
In the corners of my mind, ♪
I just can't seem to find ♪
A reason to believe ♪
That I can break free ♪
'Cause, you see, ♪
I have been down for so long ♪
Feel like all hope was gone ♪
But as I lift my hands, ♪
I understand ♪
That I should praise You ♪
Through my circumstance ♪
This is making me want
to rejoin the Church
- of Latter-day Saints.
- So I can dance ♪
Just want to praise You ♪
I just want to praise You ♪
I should've told Barbara
to stick to one song.
She's going through
her whole discography.
We've heard everything
from "We Shall Overcome"
to "This Little Light of Mine."
We can't keep going on
with all this biblical talk.
This is a public school, for God's sake.
BARBARA: Now, this next note
is called a whistle tone.
Your first instinct might be
to cover your ears.
Don't. Ahhh ♪
Hey, Barb. Hey.
Do you know "Go Down, Moses"?
Oh, yes.
'Cause I'mma need you
to let my people go.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you. Thank you.