Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s03e05 Episode Script

This wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode Morning, Saffron.
Instructions.
Damn! Let's turn now to the mechanism of protein synthesis.
What is this called? Translation.
Because the four-letter alphabet of nucleic acids is translated into the Get out! A protein is synthesised in the amino oxil direction by It's next to the sink under the surface.
It's labeled.
Did I tell you we're amalgamating with a big PR company in America? PRM.
Yes, the big time, darling.
It should be enough to bring Lulu back into the fold anyway.
I'm getting all the majors from the States, darling.
Planet Hollywood, AIDS, big AIDS conventions - Elizabeth Taylor AIDS conventions, darling! We're talking of three-lunch days.
Goodbye, Tanya Bryer, and "Hello"Sweetie? Sweetie! Swee - Damn, damn, bugger, bollocks! - Good morning, Eddie.
Oh, morning, darling.
- Did you sleep all right? - Eventually You know, after a few hours - Not in Saffy's bed! - My bed.
Oh, God Who was it anyway? It was just a male model.
Square head and Calvin Klein underpants moulded to him.
- Wanted to show me his portfolio.
- How was it? Fantastic.
- Do you want a cup of coffee? - That would be nice.
- Eddie, where did I leave my keys? - I've told you.
You always leave them around.
When you come in the house, put them in the bowl.
I put them in your bag for you.
Ed, this is like the old days.
You and me just talking to each other in your kitchen.
Without old Mrs Grundy.
Yeah, it's great.
I can just do whatever I want now, you know.
I'm sort of a free, liberated woman, with a career that's going fabulously.
Well, I can just do whatever I want.
What should we do, darling? - I've got to go and see Magda.
- Hmm? Then I'll go to the office and sort out the deal.
I'll take the car, shall I? And send him back for you.
- Yeah, all right.
- By the way, you're out of mixers.
- OK.
- See you later.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah You'll forget your head one day.
- Have a nice day at the office.
- Thank you That is not going to happen.
No, no, no, no, no Anyway, how come she always gets to be the man? Talking to yourself, dear? That's the first sign of madness, you know.
Really? I thought it was talking to you.
What do you want? Huh? I just popped by to use your oven to bake the cakes for the shop.
- What? The old miseries' charity shop? - That's right, dear.
With a moth-eaten felt hat, a chipped cup and a couple of dead batteries passing as a window display? We don't put anything people might want to buy in the window or we'd have to keep replacing it.
You're all out of cocoa and I promised Mr Potter a chocolate cake.
- This is all my stuff you use, is it? - What, dear? All this wheat powder What's this? - Flour, dear.
- Flour, yes.
All this is mine, is it? I mean, I am now paying for old people to eat cake.
Saffy said you wouldn't mind, dear.
Where is she? - She left home.
You knew that.
- Yes, of course.
Oh Oh, yes! - Is old Patsy coming back? - No.
Well, there's a thing.
You and me alone at last.
I see.
When was the last time? Actually, dear, I think it's a first.
Don't feel you have to say anything to mark the occasion.
- No.
It's probably better if I go.
- Yeah, yeah.
Off you go.
I'll come back later and finish this when there's somebody here.
Actually, dear, there is one thing I've always wanted to say.
- It doesn't matter.
- I promised your father I would.
- Look, I don't want some scene, OK? - This is very difficult for me, dear.
Don't bother, then.
I'm sure I'll survive.
Edwina, dear, do you remember your first pair of platform shoes? - What, the ones you saw Patsy steal? Yeah.
- Yes, dear.
Patsy didn't steal them.
Your father and I took them on a camping trip to the Rhineland to bang the tent pegs in with.
- I should have told you earlier.
- Just go.
Just go.
I told you when you bought them they were very shoddily made.
- Leave now! - They absolutely fell to bits.
- We had to invest in a mallet after all.
- Just leave.
Go on.
- What did you say your name were again? - Lulu.
Oh, like Sting? - What is it you do? - I'm a singer.
Look, I'm her number one client.
Huh! She tells everyone that.
Don't tell her I said that though, will you? Trade secret.
I'm thinking of getting someone else to do my PR.
But don't tell her - trade secret.
It wasn't me, I hope.
I am hopeless with faces, names and people.
Funny about you being called Lulu, though.
'Cause there were that one, weren't there I'm just a jack in the Box.
You're not never la jump up and down on a string - That was not me.
- Give us one of yours, then.
- No.
- Go on.
Don't be shy.
- I bet you've got a lovely voice when you try.
- OK.
- When - Eek! Stop, stop! That can't be you.
She'd be really, really old now.
- That's me.
- Well, you look too young.
Just kidding.
Got to say that, don't ya? I'm here.
Don't panic.
Hello, Lulu, darling.
Hello.
Has Bubble filled you in on our big news? - I'm just here as a formality - Coffee? Champagne? Did she tell you, darling, we've joined forces with PRM in New York? - PRM? - Has Whitney Houston rung, darling? Rung? HAS she rung? Whitney Houston.
Go and see if she's rung.
Whitney Houston and de Niro.
- What? See if he's rung? - Whitney and de Niro.
Just go and see.
- Rung?! - Go on! Go on! - You did say PRM? - Yeah, PRM.
Yah.
Darling, I've been rushed off my feet.
Bands, book launches, Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, Donna Karan, Hollywood Bowl, Wembley Arena It's been names, names, names Neil Sedaka So No, no, nothing, nothing I'll have that champagne you offered.
- Glass of champagne! - Sparkle.
Bottle of champagne for Lulu.
- Will that be all right, dear? - Yeuch! I'll give you a month.
God, it's been push, push, push for that woman since The Boat That I Row.
- They haven't rung.
- Oh, God.
- But that woman with PMT - PRM! PRM! phoned to say that she'd fixed a meeting for you with - Come on.
- Bear with me.
- Yeah.
- She had a really strange accent! - I could barely understand her.
- Who? Whoo! And that other woman Very, very high voice "Helloo! Helloo! How are you, sweetheart? I've just won the Grand National.
" Elizabeth Taylor! - Wants to have lunch next week.
- Lunch, lunch My God, I have to change! There was something, something, something Blah, blah, blah, blah What? What? What? A fax? A fax? My God.
"Strategy meeting with clients and accountants.
Urgent press release "Campaign advertising, budget outlines needed.
" Oh! - Crikey! - Yeah.
- It's the big time for us.
- Great! - I'm gonna have to sack you.
OK? - Right.
I shall endeavour to transcribe it onto my pad, photocopy it and file it for future reference.
Hello, hello Hello! Hello, hello, how are you? All right? Yeah, fine, thanks.
You having a nice time at your bloody university? Are you, sweetie? Are you having a nice time at university? Shout! Shout! This probably won't bloody light now.
Oh Oh!! - Oh! - Hello, Eddie.
Got Magda, Fleur and Catriona back.
We're having a little drink.
How're you doing? I can't stay much longer.
I got well, bugger all to do till next week, actually.
- Take a holiday, darling.
South of France.
- No, I don't do holidays.
Everybody's a nobody in a bikini.
I bumped into Anna Wintour once when I was wearing a G-string.
I felt me power base slipping.
Really? How can you take a holiday? Do you have a guest editor this month? The magazine's folded.
We just had our final meeting.
We cleared out.
- Oh? - What? - You missed that bit.
You were in the loo.
- Closed? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes, that's what we all thought.
- What are you going to do, darling? Huh? The usual routine.
Hang around a couple of weeks until someone opens another one.
Or see who's looking a bit fragile in the competition and move in.
I can tell you some of them will be shaking on their mastheads knowing I'm on the loose.
- Yeah, 'course they will.
- I was going to say - What? - What? Sorry, I thought I knew what you were going to say then, but I don't.
I was going to say it's a pity, really.
We had a meeting with Paloma Perfumes with a view to getting some free perfume.
- Yes.
It's a shame.
It took months to set up.
Whatsit, can I use your phone? I'm expecting a call from New York and I don't want to clog up me mobile.
- New York? - What ARE you going to do? - I've got a friend with a lovely job, so maybe - Don't be stupid.
- Armani, my arse! I don't come as a package.
- I sacked Bubble.
Why don't you have her job? - There you are.
No, no, no.
I don't even get out of bed and piss for that kind of money.
And as for me, well self-confidence and fun are my words du jour.
I shall have to fall back on my Revlon connections.
After all, I've got an awful lot of - Make-up? - Yes.
What do you mean bad circulation? It needs triple bypass surgery, but all right.
Right, I'm off.
They just made me Editor of HQ Magazine in New York.
- Oh, congratulations! - Yeah, don't push it.
Got a non-smoking brunch with Marlboro Lites and a designer douche launch to get to by 10:00 tomorrow morning.
I said, "It's a shame it's closed, but it was a crap mag".
Thanks for the drink.
Patsy, a word! - Oh! - Oh! - HQ Magazine.
Tina's moved on again.
- Well, I must be off.
If you want that job, just go into the office 'cause I've sacked Bubble.
Right - Yeah.
- Oh.
Revlon, here I come.
"Excuse me, madam, would you like to try Revlon's new Refraichement spray?" Psst! Psst! Psst! Pats? Pats? What, darling? You don't have to do that in here any more.
Yeah, it's great, isn't it? No bitch daughter I'll smoke this anyway now we're here.
You know? What did Magda want? Oh, she wants to take me to HQ with her.
You know, familiar face and all that.
Right I mean, you could be looking at the new Grace Coddington here.
"Fash Ed.
Supreme.
" - It would be major league, mean major discounts, yeah! It'd be great, wouldn't it? I'd see you in New York, you know, PRM.
And there'd be you, the new julie Covington.
Me, just the "fantastic".
- Yeah.
- I'll drink to that.
- Cheers to us.
- Here's to our fantastic, beautiful lives.
Yeah, cheers! - What do you see when you look in the mirror? - Me looking fabulous.
What do you see? Yeah, just the room.
- I can't do it, Eddie! - Well, well, well, what, well, huh? Why can't everything just stay still? I mean, like, what's suddenly happened? It's like everything I ever wanted, but all I want to do is throw up.
You don't want to throw up! You don't want to do that! You just want a little drink.
A little, little drink and a cigarette.
That's it.
There, there.
I mean, you just stand up and put your neck on the line and they chop it off.
You put your head up over the parapet and they kick away the stool.
- No, they won't, darling.
- They will, they will.
They've done it before.
- You're not still thinking about that, are you? - It frightens me, Eddie.
- What, still? - Yeah, I think it is my only memory.
Well, fantastic! I know you came here as a temporary secretary, and it took a lot of courage to do what you've just done, but you're on "Candid Camera".
Now, you'll meet a few more friends The Rolling Stones themselves.
Come on in, boys.
And all your other little friends.
I don't even think it went out.
I don't think anyone saw it anyway.
Bastards! Bastard! You don't know what that did to me, Eddie.
Didn't seem to affect you at all.
It wasn't my song, was it? I mean - You played on it.
- It was just a bit of fun.
Anyway, darling, you don't have to do anything.
You don't have to do anything! Just stay here.
You don't have to do anything.
- I don't want to be just nothing.
- You're not just nothing.
I know I'm not just nothing.
I mean, I'm not just born and died.
I'm not just nothing, but I'm - I'm not out there! - Where? Where? I just want people to be scared of me.
I want them to think, "Patsy", you know, "great".
- And I can't because I'm too, too - No, you're not.
No, no, darling.
- You're not that old.
- I'm too No, I'm not too old! I know I'm not too old.
It's just that I'm too scared.
Why? It's just old age.
I mean, you know, the older you get, the more frightening life is.
It should be the other way around, but it ain't.
Bloody old people.
I don't want to be THEM.
Darling, do you remember when you could just get up in the morning and feel fabulous? - Without pills.
- Yeah.
Yeah, like every day it was just like you were Henry Winkler walking into "Happy Days".
"Hello! Hello! I know what I'm doing.
" - "This is mine.
People love me" - "Yeah, and they know who I am.
" - Applause! Like some bloody old person who can't even bloody cross the road at a penguin crossing.
They're shouting, "Walk, walk" - Yes, darling, Pats Pats Pats - Yeah.
You know, like when you're in a room or something and you think someone's staring at you in the room.
On a plane or anywhere.
And you're sort of doing things 'cause you think someone's looking at you - You know? - On a plane? Well, anywhere And then you look at them, and they're just sort of asleep.
But their head is flopped in your direction, you know.
I don't want that to happen.
I don't want that to be my life, the whole world asleep.
Huh? - Eddie, Eddie, this is very important.
- Yeah? Don't ever make me a cup of tea.
- No, no - No, I mean don't EVER make me a cup of tea.
No, I won't, darling.
I won't.
Won't.
- What? What? - No, I've forgotten the word now.
- No, what? - What is that word on your grave marker? - The words on your grave.
What is that? - On your "epitomb".
- Your "epitomb".
- Yeah.
- What do you want on your "epitomb"? - I want: "She was fantastic.
"Patsy was here".
Darling, you can just have "Patsy's Stone".
- Eddie, oh, Eddie, Eddie - Yeah.
- Eddie - Yeah, yeah.
"Eddie, still no thinner.
" Yeah, these are great.
These are really funny.
We could sell these.
Sell them? Darling, darling For the bitch daughter you could put - What? - "The mingiest" - No, no! Don't say bitch.
Don't say the bitch.
- "Mingiest" "Mingiest" - Coping all right? - I need a waz.
Not here, not here, darling.
Go upstairs.
Use the upstairs wazza.
You're home? What a pleasure! I'm not arguing with you when you're stoned.
- Are you staying? - Just tonight.
We can talk tomorrow.
- Better change the sheets.
- I've done it.
One of the sheets was crawling out on its own accord in seach of an ovum.
Darling! Why don't you come home, sweetie.
Huh? Huh? Mum, what's the problem? I have my life and you have yours.
This is what you wanted.
It's just I feel orphaned, you know.
- What's the matter? The deal fallen through? - Not the deal.
Not that.
- Just - What? Darling, you've sort of abandoned me in this sort of wilderness of potential greatness and fabulousness.
Haven't you? You know, my walls have gone flop-flop-flop-flop I'm like this kind of prisoner this released prisoner, darling.
Walking out into the squinting sun.
- A hissing of summer lawns - Yeah.
- You've cast me adrift with no oars.
- You've got oars! - I haven't! - You have! You're too lazy and fat to use them.
You filth! I, darling, am a fighter.
- Yeah! - You're hyperactive and disorganised.
That's all.
You get what you want by shouting loud enough.
Bitch trog! Yeah, well Yeah, well.
You know, I don't want all these things you think I want.
"Success and the deal.
" I don't want this I don't want this house.
- You do! - I'm coming home at weekends.
Yes That would be all right for you, coming home weekends.
What? "Edina Hotel"? Huh? That would be very convenient for you, wouldn't it? Your mother's doing all right.
Everything is labeled.
Her career's going fabulously.
Coming home at weekends.
It's not that simple, darling.
You know, just weekends.
It's a little bit more difficult than just come home weekends.
Huh? I mean, you know I need to find myself.
'Cause, sweetie, "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me".
Yeah.
That is, kind of see who's in there.
"Who me be?" For God's sake, Mum.
Every year for as long as I can remember you've gone in search of yourself.
You've done everything from wobble naked round standing stones near Bristol to circus skills in a tent on Clapham Common.
All part of a journey.
You bought tickets and got hit in the face with a plank twice a day.
My knees froze.
I couldn't duck, you know.
There isn't a course that can help you find yourself.
There isn't a course in redemption.
You'd be better off giving all your money to charity.
Well, I already pay for old people to eat cake.
Just start living your life and stop trying to find yourself fascinating.
- I am fascinating! - You cannot become a better person - through massage.
- You piece of filth! I mean you feel like that, do you? You feel like that, huh? You feel like that? Well, maybe I should just yeah yeah Maybe I should just go and, you know live with people who understand me.
What? And sell the house? - Yeah, I might.
Yeah, I will.
Yeah.
- Good luck, then.
I hope you do go away and find yourself.
Then do us all a favour and get lost! - Sweetheart.
- Oh, leave her, Eddie.
You didn't really mean it.
- No, I did.
I did.
- No, you didn't.
This is great.
- This is just like the old days.
- Huh? Me and your lovely Bolly.
Me and your lovely ciggies.
Me and your lovely home.
Me and your lovely life.
- Yes, just like the old days, isn't it? - It's great.
Well, maybe I just don't want that any more, you know.
Huh? I mean, maybe I me meant to be somebody somewhere, you know! Maybe I should go away.
Yeah.
- Away? - Yeah, I'll find it, darling.
- Well, for how long? - Well, for ever.
You'll be all right, won't you, Pats? You'll be all right.
You'll be all right.
You'll be all right.
You'll be all right Yeah, I'll be all right.
- I'll go to New York.
- Yeah? I don't need you, Eddie.
You've always been just "pfft"you know.
I'm gonna be a bloody great success.
- All right.
- Yeah, all right! - Well, I'll see you, then, huh? - Don't count on it, babe.
Oh, God!