Animal Control (2023) s03e05 Episode Script

1
Dr. Tarantula.
Huh?
What the hell?
A dog locked in a car.
Is this the 1980s?
Am I fighting for my right
to party in a Lacoste polo?
Well, the little guy seems
like he's doing okay.
He's not even panting.
Maybe the owner just had,
like, a bathroom emergency.
Yeah. Can't risk it.
It's probably what the owner thought.
- Stand back.
- Oh.
Starting to feel like this
isn't your first time
busting out the window
of a really nice car.
Perks of the job.
[CRASH]
Don't worry, buddy.
The heroes have arrived.
Oh my God! What are you doing?!
Saving your dog's life.
What? I left my car on pet mode.
Oh, well Um.
Hm. Actually, it's pretty cold in there.
You're probably drying out
the little guy's sinuses,
so we'll let you off
with a warning this time.
But please don't do it again.
Okay. Hi.
This is my supervisor's number,
and she's used to calls like this.
♪♪♪
And lastly, tonight is
our annual trivia night
and Bettany has graciously
agreed to emcee.
If there's any interest.
I happen to have an amazing
memory recall technique.
Of course, I don't need it
because I'm retired from trivia.
You're not retired.
You were banned because you
were cheating last year.
I sincerely thought
we were using lifelines.
Then why did you crawl under
the table when you called your dad?
The memory trick is called chunking.
And if you want my advice
Everyone, my sister Melinda is
going to be at trivia tonight.
I can't believe I didn't lead with that.
I've been looking forward
to this for weeks.
Did she like my welcome basket?
Yes, she did bring her own toothbrush,
but she really appreciated the gesture.
Well, I hope she's prepared
to witness an All-American tradition.
Drunks arguing about minor facts.
Fred and I will dominate trivia again.
This man is a beast when victory
is on the line.
Hell, yeah. Out of our way.
Except I am gonna play
with Isabelle this year.
Wait. Really?
- Do you mind?
- Of course not. Why would I mind?
You were dead weight last year.
What? Not true.
I dominated in pop culture,
famous aviators,
and, of course, American witches.
And what if they ask about oceans?
Are you going to say it's
just one big one again?
There is only one if you think about it.
But don't bait me, man. Okay?
I'm bursting with
competitive juices right now.
- Ready to blow.
- [BOTH] Ew!
Do they know they're still
pressing the radio button?
- Competitive juices.
- I'm just saying,
you don't want to go there with me.
I'm an Olympic-level athlete.
I'm gonna turn into
somebody you don't like.
Uh, just to reiterate, this
is a team-building activity.
And in the time that we've
taken to get off track,
we've gotten about ten calls.
So let's get back to work. Thank you.
So, chunking, you take
these big bits of information
[DISPATCH] Dispatch to Precinct 22.
Please keep this line clear.
Just like home, no
one's listening to me.
Hm?
Hey, are you looking for
a trivia partner? I'll do it.
Oh, I'm not sure I want to participate
in that chest thumping display
I heard earlier on the radio.
Oh, I know you want to beat them too.
I see how you look at Isabelle.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Maybe she's not
my favorite person.
You know, just floating through life,
eating the office Triscuits.
Not a care in the world.
Well and, you know,
your thing for Shred.
My [LAUGHS]
That's hilarious.
I mean, clearly you've been
preparing for trivia,
because that is ancient history.
But platonically,
yeah, I'd love to give her
a big old reality check.
Yeah, we would crush.
I'm an autodidact.
You can look that up later.
And you seem like the type
of person that knows
all about the English
line of succession.
Oh, Prince George
is hot on William's tail.
And the Mountbatten line,
I mean, don't even get me started.
- They're a mess.
- Yeah, it's all gobbledygook to me.
That's why we make great partners.
Um, yeah. Okay, let's do it.
But, you know, let's keep it light.
It's supposed to be fun.
Totally. We are going
to rip their throats out
and make them swallow their own throats.
Lightly.
♪
The States have made you soft.
No, it's more of an eating culture.
It's good to overdrink
before a trivia contest,
it loosens the brain.
[BOTH] Don't be an egg.
Wow. Somehow in surround sound,
I understand you even less.
I'm loving the sister energy.
I always wanted a sibling.
I'm an only child, but I'm
not looking for sympathy.
I had Steven, he was
imaginary, but very cool.
Okay. Anyway, back to Melinda.
Why do you look so fresh?
Didn't you have jet lag?
Oh, unlike this wild child,
I have three kids at home.
I just slept nine hours on
the plane, I feel glorious.
Long-distance flight.
I never thought of that hack.
All trivia teams,
please report to your tables
for skin inspection.
We all remember how Patel
wrote the periodic table on his forearm.
That's not exactly what happened.
That's exactly what happened.
Frank.
And that is the last thing
you will get correct tonight.
- Good luck, Squirt.
- Squirt.
- I'm going to start calling you that.
- Thank you. No.
Okay.
Hey, Emily.
Wow. Got your answer sheet
all ready to go.
Somebody's prepared.
Yeah, well, you know,
failing to prepare is preparing to fail.
So good luck.
Ah. Okay.
Well, she basically just
called me a huge nerd
for writing our team name
on our answer sheet.
- I think you're reading into it.
- I am going to destroy them.
But I like that energy. Bottle that up,
and then when the time
is right, smash that bottle
and shank them over and over
again with facts,
even after their body's not moving.
Okay.
The name of the game is General Trivia.
Five rounds. Nine questions each.
That's 48 questions total.
We have not started yet.
And the math is wrong.
Just getting in your head.
Is this guy spicy. I like it.
This is me at Pepperoncini.
You don't want to see me
at Carolina Reaper.
First category. US presidents.
First question.
The most popular first name
for presidents is James.
List every presidential James.
In other words, let the James begin.
[MAN LAUGHING]
Thank you, Greg.
I learned a bunch of this stuff
for my U.S. citizenship test.
James Garfield is somebody.
Oh, you're thinking of James Williams,
who you used to smoke weed
and watch Garfield with.
Yeah, I ate a lot of lasagna
that summer.
Oh, Melinda.
Okay, quick, take out all
the money in your wallet.
Maybe that'll give us a clue.
Ooh. Okay.
Wait. I feel like there's one more.
Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter.
Yes, yes! Jimmy is short for James.
- Jimmy is short for James!
- Yes, yes!
You are whispering so loud,
everyone's gonna know that we guessed
President James Franco.
Eight more questions, Boss.
Right, right, right,
right, right, right, right.
It's called chunking. You
take bigger bits of information,
break them down into smaller,
you guessed it, chunks.
Oh.
I know, it's totally simple, right?
No, I just cut my hand.
Mmhmm, mmhmm.
[BETTANY] How many toes
Oh, that is deep.
Oh, that is like urgent care deep.
I mean, I'm already short-staffed.
I might have to close early.
What? No, no, you can't do that.
I had to get clearance
for these hours from my wife, I can't
No, I can't go home now.
Let me tend bar.
- Really?
- Yeah, I did it in college.
I told you that a few minutes
ago, Marty.
Okay. Hold down the fort.
Just cans and bottles.
Absolutely. I got you, Marty.
- Thanks, Peter.
- Patel.
Patel.
Bartender Patel.
Okay, I want to hear
about your crazy life.
Who are you hooking up with right now?
Well, this will sound like a lie,
but I am kind of in a sexual triangle
with, like, a female
billionaire lifestyle mogul
whose name I can't legally say.
Oh, like a sexy polyamorous Voldemort?
Sure. Yeah.
Who's the other person?
- Co-worker.
- Wow.
Don't look at her. It's not her.
That is a full plate, even for you.
Thank you. Yeah.
Okay, I have tabulated the scores,
and it looks like the leaders
are Lone Wolf and Associates
at 14 points.
[EMILY HOWLS]
Yeah, it's a silent wolf.
Silent. [SILENT HOWL]
In a close second. We got
Shrezzabelle at 13 points.
Permission to approach the bench.
It's a stage. But, yeah, you may.
I think you'll see
that they've written
All right.
All right, uh, yeah.
It looks like, uh, scores
have been updated.
Lone Wolf and Associates and
Shrezzabelle are now tied at 13.
- What?
- No.
What did you say?
He accurately pointed out
that the first Irish step dancer
to visit the White House
is Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.
- Yeah, that's what we wrote.
- Yeah.
No, no, no. You wrote
The Lord of the Dance.
Oh, squeeze us twice.
My Mormon teammate is right. This is BS.
Yeah. Guys, is this really
how you want to win this?
Yeah. Let them have their
little measly point.
Because we will be climbing
the victor's podium
to take our place amongst
the pantheon of champions
of bar trivia.
Just a reminder, there is no podium.
There is a $100 gift certificate
for the surf and turf platter for two,
which expires at midnight.
And our sweet victory over
Shrezebelle will be our dessert.
And the skillet cookie.
Oh, we'll definitely
get the skillet cookie.
- Frank.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Bye.
[WHISPERING] Is she trying
to look at our answer?
That's him, isn't it?
Tall, arrogant, and
basically describing dad.
Take that That's disgusting.
- You are disgusting.
- Is he also withholding?
You are making a very normal
platonic situation
where we're sex-sharing
a billionaire weird.
- It's not weird.
- I bet he sneezes loud, too.
[LOUD SNEEZE]
[FRANK] Oh. Please.
That wasn't that loud.
You know, it might be fun
if we both got to play.
Because, you know, we're on a team.
If you want to help,
you can use your body
to block the answer sheet.
Watch this.
Isabelle! Block now!
Oh, quit acting like
you're eating in prison.
I'm not going to steal your lunch.
Hey, speaking of theft.
Hi, Isabelle.
Hi, Frank. Close game, isn't it?
Yeah.
You gonna pay for those fries,
or is this one of your adorable
dine-and-dash situations?
I only stick it to the man
at chain restaurants.
You do know that when you do that,
Shred goes back and pays, right?
You do?
No.
Yeah.
Okay. I'm feeling weirdly
judged and embarrassed.
Well, that's the opposite
of how I want you to feel.
That's why I do it behind your back.
Okay, well, in relationships,
you're not supposed to do things
- behind your partner's back.
- Oh. I'm sorry.
Like, use my prescription
sensitivity toothpaste.
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
Yes, I smell it on your breath.
[ISABELLE] Okay, we'll stop
at a pharmacy on the way home,
and I'll steal you another one.
- It's not that big a deal.
- [SHRED] That's not what I want.
I want you to respect
the one that I have.
[ISABELLE] I want you to let
me steal when I need to steal.
Sounds like you're projecting
your anxieties
about getting older
onto your summer intern.
Now, you either pay him like a grown-up
or you let a kid be a kid.
Right?
Get out of here, you rascal!
[PATEL LAUGHS]
Spicy three ways, all night raves.
I think it's so great.
You haven't changed at all.
Thanks.
What do you mean by that, exactly?
Well, don't take this the wrong way,
but you're acting like
the same club girl.
You were back in Auckland.
Don't take this the wrong way,
maybe you're just super bored
with your own life.
It's called being responsible.
I have to be the perfect child
holding the family together.
Right? Yeah.
Mum's sick, Victoria.
She is?
No, but if she was,
I would be the one spoon-feeding her
What is wrong with you?
You are so dramatic.
Oh. I'm dramatic.
You're the one who moved to Seattle
because you were so obsessed
with the movie Twilight.
Oh, okay. Uh, trivia can wait.
We need to hear this.
It was more the books than the movies.
Oh, I get it, girl.
He could read everyone's mind but hers.
Okay, we need to stay focused
and unpack this later, okay?
Is that my scrunchie?
Did you steal that from my room?
No, it's my scrunchie that you
took from my room in year 10.
Give it back.
That is not your scrunchie.
Year ten -No, it is not.
And you don't suit an updo,
so take it off.
[YELPS]
- Get that!
- I got it at a market.
Okay. Round 4 is over.
Score update.
Looks like Lone Wolf and
Associates have taken the lead.
Yes, yes!
[EMILY HOWLS]
Excessive celebration.
All right, everybody shut up.
Okay, now, this next one is a fun one.
Next category is the great
American novel.
Damn it! This is Frank's category.
Hey, are you good at books?
I read mainly nonfiction, DIY manuals,
historical pornography, blueprints.
This is going to be a bloodbath.
Wait, let me see one of your wallets.
Fast, fast. Come on.
Thank you.
Oh, you quitting
already, quitter? Is that it?
First question. Which one of these
great American novels is the shortest?
Fahrenheit 451,
The Catcher in the Rye or Beloved?
I do remember Beloved being pretty short
because I read it all during
a single high school dance.
Your childhood stories
are affecting my game now.
Fahrenheit 451 is not that long,
but for Ray Bradbury, it's
["HEY MICKEY" PLAYS]
Uh it's not.
Are you okay?
You're so fine ♪
You blow my mind. Hey, Mickey. ♪
Hey Mickey ♪
Excuse me.
Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
You're so fine you blow my mind ♪
Hey Mickey ♪
Hey Mickey ♪
Yep. The machine's just for show.
It's playing over
the bar sound system, too.
It doesn't bother me. I'm fine.
- Good.
- So fine.
It blows my mind.
Uh oh.
I'll be right back.
Oh, Mickey, what a pity ♪
You don't understand ♪
You take me by the heart ♪
And you take me by the hand ♪
Oh, Mickey you're ♪
What what just happened?
Just a little psychological warfare.
Found a little Frank scab and picked it.
That's a pretty messed up
thing to do to your friend.
All right, next question.
Okay, shh. We have to focus up.
Excuse me? Shh?
Name one of the witches of Eastwick.
Oh. Hell yeah. You hear that, Frank?
Bettany's talking witches in here.
American witches.
Oh, Mickey, what a pity
you don't understand ♪
You take me by the heart ♪
Can I give you five? Stop!
And you take me by the hand ♪
Fine. Fine.
Sorry. Spencer, darling,
I can't hear you.
Auntie Victoria made
mummy's eardrums ring.
I'll call you back.
Oh. Hi, Frank.
- Hey, Mickey.
- It's Melinda.
- Mhm.
- You all right?
No. Stupid. Doesn't matter.
When I was a boy,
my brothers locked me
in a room for 48 hours.
And they played the song
"Hey, Mickey" on a loop.
Siblings are the worst.
Yeah, I shouldn't have told Shred,
but I didn't have a good excuse
for why I was punching the truck stereo.
Yeah. People that know you the best
really know how to get under your skin.
Mhm.
I used to microwave Victoria's favorite
stuffed bunny when we were little.
I wonder if that's
why she saves animals now.
I'm going to head back inside.
Do you want to join or.
No I'm going to walk this off.
I'm gonna punch these
trash bags for a while.
Okay. Put those big muscles to use.
Right. I am big, right? Yeah, I am.
Yeah.
[SINGING] Hey, Mickey what a pity ♪
Oh. [LAUGHS] Please.
- Oh, the thing.
- Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
No. It's cool, it's cool.
Hey.
Hey.
Things are really
heating up out there, huh?
Yeah.
Kind of sucks.
Oh, really? You're not a trivia fan?
No, it's just Shred.
He's just being so insane about winning.
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I love a free meal,
but he's just acting like such a dick.
Oh, wow.
Okay. I'm sorry, I just realized
I'm complaining about
my boyfriend to his boss.
That's yeah.
- No.
- Sorry.
No, it's totally good.
I'm like a cool boss.
Like I'm wearing jeans at a bar.
So keep going, chica.
Really?
'Cause we've never
really done this before.
Yeah, I don't know.
I kind of always got the sense
you don't totally like me.
- [HIGH-PITCHED] What?!
- Ow!
[BOTH LAUGH]
No. Oh my God, no Isabelle.
No. The only thing I don't
like about you
is how, like, bad you are
at reading people.
Because I'm I'm fond of you.
Like, I love how much soap
you're putting in that bag.
Um, no. So if you want to,
like, bitch about
the whole BF like green light.
I might take you up
on that another time,
but I'm gonna go get some air.
Yeah. Thanks. See ya later.
Enjoy the soap.
Did you hear that, Steven?
They're having problems.
They're having problems.
Now you sing.
[CLAMORING] Can I have a drink, please?
Yeah, one sec.
Hi. Hello.
Victoria. You never told me
you were a Twihard.
What are you, Team Edward
or Team Jacob or Team Bella?
You know, Melinda is so judgy.
What I did was hard.
I started a whole new life
that I'm really proud of.
On the other side of the world,
where people measure stuff
like lunatics, and I just
Why can't she celebrate that, you know?
She should. You're doing great,
you know. We're all doing great.
Everything is great.
What is going on with you?
Did you OD on your allergy meds?
- No.
- I think I know what's going on.
You became a U.S. citizen.
So?
So Melinda knows you're not moving back,
and that makes her sad.
She didn't seem sad when she bit me.
- She bit me.
- Oh.
That's just her feelings
coming out sideways.
Wow. That was almost wise.
This is really working for you.
It kind of feels like I've
wasted my life up until this point.
Yeah.
Alright, after the final round,
it looks like we have a tie,
so I need a player from
Lone Wolf and Associates
and Shrezzabelle, to come on up
- for the tie-breaker.
- Yes!
Hey, Mickey.
Not so fast.
Hey.
Can I go head-to-head with Shred please?
Please, please, please, please, please.
Oh, yeah. Totally. You
kind of smell like garbage.
Yeah, I punched through a
whole bag of cioppino out back.
Okay. That's great. Break a leg.
Where's your girlfriend?
She leveled up and dumped you
for the 87th best snowboarder
in America.
Where's your mom?
That's right. She's dead.
Jeez.
Gonna regret that in the morning.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Back it up, back it up.
All right, I want a clean game, fellas.
Five questions, rapid fire.
Ding the bell! Answer the question.
You get it wrong.
The other player can steal.
First question.
[DING] The Mariana Trench.
[DING] High tide.
[DING] Vulcanized rubber.
- [DING] Key Largo.
- [DING] The Maldives.
- Kermit the Frog.
- Incorrect. Frank, yours is steal.
- Robert. Bob. Cratchit.
- Correct.
- [DING] Who cares?
- [DING] Handlebars.
[DING] Computers.
Uh this is way more
than five questions.
Final question. Which
mammal can last the longest
without drinking water?
[DING] Kangaroo rat, I win!
Uh, Shred that was Frank's guess.
Damn your cold, callused hands.
I'm gonna go with kangaroo rat.
Never breaks a sweat.
Urinates sparingly, just like me.
That is correct. We have a winner.
Yeah!!! I possess all knowledge!!!
All knowledge!!!
- Whew!
- Lone Wolf and Associates
have won the surf and turf grand prize.
- Dessert not included.
- Congrats, Frank.
You're officially the biggest nerd.
We did it!
We did it!
Tonight we feast!
Your consolation prize is a t-shirt.
We only had a women's small.
Maybe you and Isabelle can share it.
Think you can hide from me.
I can spot those sturdy little
ankles from a mile away.
Spencer rang again, and
the lady with the microphone
called me out for using my phone
during trivia, so I ducked in here.
It's no spade.
No, I miss their summer ale.
Do you think you'll ever
have some of it again?
Yeah, of course I will.
Maybe this summer.
Spencer is nervous about
starting intermediate.
He could use his cool auntie
to help him get ready.
You think I'm cool?
Yes. And I'm probably a little
jealous of your life.
American dad kind of
does it for me, too.
Oh, he doesn't do it for me.
You have to stop calling
him that, by the way.
I'm serious.
For what it's worth,
I could see you settling
down eventually.
You just put your own spin
on it and take your kid
to a baby rave in an
abandoned diaper factory.
Thank you.
Are you gonna tie your hair up?
You've got quite a few gray hairs.
- Stop talking.
- I'd want to just pull it back.
- Do you want to know what's funny?
- What?
I did steal the scrunchie.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS]
I'm glad you didn't leave.
I tried to hitchhike, but no takers.
Well, I got you something,
and I didn't pay for it,
so we should probably eat fast.
You dined and dashed for me.
I did.
I'm sorry I was so bad tonight.
I just had this whole crazy
competitive side
that you haven't seen before.
I was going to stay mad at you,
but there're scalloped potatoes
in here, so.
I really don't want to mess this up.
I really don't want you
to mess this up either.
You were so bad tonight.
- Yeah.
- You stole food.
Mmhmm.
But this is a small business,
you should pay.
Yeah, I may have already put a
few dollars under the coaster.
Like $50.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna save this
lobster claw for Monday
to eat in front of Shred.
Yup. It was a tough
night for Team Shrezzabelle.
Good job, partner.
How does it feel
to beat your sworn enemy?
Okay, Isabelle is actually not that bad.
And it's not like I'm the only
one who's competitive with her.
What are you talking about?
Come on. The reason you got
so aggro tonight.
You miss having your friend
Shred all to yourself.
Look, if I wanted friends,
I wouldn't treat people the way I do.
One more thing. Boink!
What?
Why did you. Wow. Why? Why?
I don't know. I saw Melinda do it.
I'm just feeling very good.
Yeah, well, then definitely
don't look outside.
Mmhmm.
I really don't like her.
Me neither.
And I think she took my wallet.