Animals. (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

1 PHIL: All I'm saying is, you can't prove me wrong.
Right, but it's just unlikely that the general is your mom.
Likeliness has nothing to do with it.
There was a connection, a mother, son connection.
- Okay - Okay, and I love her.
And I want her to be my girlfriend.
- Okay, but having a connection - So, it seems to me doesn't mean that she's your mom.
- That might just mean - I'm not saying she's my mom.
- that you guys like the same things.
- I want to date her.
I'm saying I love her.
I'm saying I want her to be my girlfriend.
- Okay, well.
- You're mixing and maxing up my words.
"Dear Privates, We are The Labcoats.
Your government base is planning a full-scale nuclear attack on New York City, completely eradicating all forms of life.
We ask you, the Animals department, a simple request: Plug in this thumb drive to your system and we'll handle the rest.
Since technically, this is treason, we'll pay you 10 million fucking dollars.
The Labcoats.
" This is ridiculous, right? Right, and what thumb drive? (CLATTERING) Ah.
I'm gonna go ahead and fold this up.
No, no! No, no! - It's mine! - No, no! No, no! - No, no, please! - (SCREAMS TRIUMPHANTLY) Just listen to me, just hear me out.
Just hear me out, just hear me out.
No, no, no, no! (BOTH GRUNTING) Give me the fucking thing, Mike! You listen to me, okay? I need this, Mike.
My GPA was one.
And my DUIs, three! No, I need this, man! My 401(K) is a Princess Diana Beanie Baby.
Yeah, but did you have a tag protector on? - Of course I had the tag protector on.
- Then you're good! Whoa! What the hell is going on here, guys? This can't be good for me.
(MUFFLED) Fuckin' swallow, dude.
Oh, fuck.
(GULPS) (CHOKING, GURGLING) Oh, shit.
What the fuck is going on? (MUMBLES) Nothin'.
Did you say "muffin"? Yeah.
That's what all the cool kids are saying, so.
Whoa.
- Yeah.
- Wanna come kick it, homie? Yeah, no doubt.
I wanna kick it, homie.
Yeah, lets wrap it up, son.
- Really appreciate it, guys.
- I can't breathe.
It's turning me more machine than man.
- (WHISPERS) Shut the fuck up.
- (MOANS) You ever feel like the world is fallin' apart at the seams? - Rampant misinformation.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
A constant barrage of ideologies that are ill-informed and half-baked.
- (CHOKING) - You know, I mean, sure, The Labcoats got some tantalizing ideas.
(GROANING) But is it realistic? What do you guys think? - Phil? - Sure.
Well, I I mean, Phil, what do you think? Well, sir, for me personally, I think that Well, gotta go.
Have a good day (GASPS) - (VOMITING) - (SCREAMING) - You barfed all over my wiener! - I'm sorry.
And what'd I tell you about eating coins? Okay, the thumb drive still looks intact though, which is sick.
So what do you say, Mikey? Ten million bucks? What are you gonna do with yours? I'm gonna maybe reunite the Baha Men.
- I'm gonna maybe get a - (CRUNCHES) MIKE: Dude, we can't treason.
I mean, come on.
What if they catch us? You what I mean? And then it's just like (CHOKING) (GRUNTING) - (PUNCHES THUDDING) - (YELLING) (TWILIGHT ZONE -LIKE THEME PLAYING) JOHNNY RAT TOWN: New York City.
Animal population, unknown.
But that's not the only unknown in the Big Apple.
There's been rumors of an orb.
Perhaps it's a wormhole.
Perhaps it's a break in the simulation that we call life.
Today, we explore the unforbidden in Animals, on HBO.
Hello, I'm Johnny Rat Town, and this stunt is called the Shopping Cart Launch.
Let's do it! - (LAUGHING) - (WHOOPING) Don't give up! No! No, no, no, no! (GRUNTING) (WHOOSHING) Oh, shit! Did we get it? Aw, fuck.
All right, what's next? Who wants to butt-chug some rosé? - (RATS CHEERING) - Hee-hee! (WHOOSHING) (STUFF GASPING) Oh.
- (GASPS) - Whoa! (GASPS) (STUFF SCREAMING) What am I?! What am I?! Who are you?! (RETCHING) - (SCREAMING CONTINUES) - CeCe? MoMo? Are you my mommy? TOASTER: Two hours later.
(STUFF GROANING, COUGHING) Take a breath.
Ease up.
- What are we doing? - I don't know.
We can't just spend all day screaming and barfing.
Right guys? - (VOMITS) Sorry.
- How about we just introduce ourselves? Right? I'll go first.
I'm, uh, uh - I don't know.
- Well, I wanna be Mike.
That's just my name.
My name's Mike.
Oh, I like that.
I'm Mike, too.
I just I got a vibe with Mike.
Is that weird? Yeah, no, it's not weird, but we can't all be Mike, right? - Me Mike, too.
- I'm hopping on the Mike train.
- Right? - Choo-choo, baby.
Aah, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm gonna have to be Mike also.
- Are you guys serious? - She's a Mike.
I knew she was a Mike right way.
All right, you know what? Fine.
- Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.
- Here! I'm gonna be Phil All right? I'll just mix it up.
Throw in another name What is it? Say it one more time.
- Phil.
- Is that even a name? I actually don't want to offend him - by trying to pronounce it.
- Right.
Give it a shot.
Let's go back and forth.
Everybody.
- Phil.
- Fuck.
- Phlil.
- Phril.
- Pheel.
- Phieeel.
- Jamal? - Just one more time say it to me.
- Phil.
- Foil? I can't say it! Phh-Mike.
All right, forget it.
God, look.
We all exist now for some reason, okay? Can we talk about that? What do we do? What does this all mean? - Hmm - Hmm? I don't know.
- You know what? I think - I think it's about love.
Damn.
Talk over me.
All right.
Speaking of (CHUCKLES) - Mike, will you marry me? - (GASPS) Oh, my God! Yes! (CHEERING) Hey, congrats, Mike and Mike.
Love you! To the beat, beat, check it out! That's a Mike move if I've ever seen one.
(ALL LAUGHING) That's why he's my best man.
He has the good stories.
- But, uh - God, it's so Mike.
Marriage.
It's a unification of two Whoa! Man, fuck this shit! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on? This isn't what existence is about.
Bunch of ceremonial bullshit.
All right, calm down, Mike.
It's about gettin' your goddamn rocks off before you kick it.
This fuckin' Mike! Sweetie, it's okay.
Calm down.
- I don't wanna be calm! - Sorry.
It's about wilin' out.
Lets get to cumin' and fightin' and fuckin' and suckin'.
Let's get some coke.
Mike, show me your tits.
Hey, that's my wife you're talking to, pal.
Wait, did you mean me Mike? Or rubber Mike? Or paper Mike? Whichever Mike! Seriously, get your fucking friend out of my fucking wedding.
You gotta do shit in this world, man.
'Cause it's going down, like hot butter on, say what, the popcorn.
Just leave.
I can't believe I made you a grooms-Mike.
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I never got my dinner course.
- Paper Mike, now is not the time.
- Yeah.
All y'all are some corny motherfuckers.
I'm gonna do pee stuff, some dark Internet stuff.
(LAUGHS) I'm gonna fuck a Beanie Baby.
(LAUGHS) A motherfuckin' Beanie Baby.
Don't you think you have a bigger purpose than fucking a Beanie Baby! We have no purpose! Life's a fuckin' party.
So I'm gonna get my dink stinky till it's last call.
Let's paint the town red! Lets do it! - (SCREAMING) - Damn! PHIL: Fuck you, thing! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
- That's so fucked up.
- Mike? - It's over, Mike.
- Damn.
You look bad.
Wait, I think he's still alive.
- Oh, my God.
- He's got a pulse.
We have to get him to a hockey rink.
- No, no.
I don't think - This isn't right.
- No.
- And this was a long journey - to get here.
- Yeah, it took a while.
Let's take him to clean clothes.
- What's that called? - A laundromat.
VHS: I hate to be difficult.
I still don't think this is it.
- This doesn't feel right.
- Nope.
This isn't it.
- Ooooooh.
- SHOE: This is not fuckin' it.
- SHOE: Nope.
- PHIL: It's not a hospital, is it? That's where you get your hair cut.
I'm pretty positive a hospital is where you get your hair cut.
It's either a haircut or the thermometer place.
- One or the other.
- Okay, let's go to a hair salon first.
That's a better idea.
Because I feel like it's a Iceland, Greenland sort of thing.
- Thank you.
- And that's where you get fixed up - is a hair salon.
- Great.
Here we go.
PHIL: I was wrong, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
(SIREN WHOOPS) God, we've been waiting forever.
This is beyond.
Do you guys have games on your phone or anything? What's the situation, paper Mike? Okay.
I hooked him up to a generator that'll keep him alive, as long we keep him plugged in.
Well, unplug him and let's move on.
Okeydoke, that works too.
I'll pull the cord.
What? Come on.
We don't have the right to do that, all right? Life is precious.
Yeah, I agree, but not his.
That Mike was a turd.
Box Mike's got a point.
Oh, yeah, let's kill him.
Dudes, I don't know about this.
This just feels bad.
It feels bad? Well, too bad.
We're leaving.
(LAUGHING) - Shit.
I'm funny.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's go, sweetie Mike.
- Hey, see ya, rubbery Mike.
- Lets keep in touch.
Wait, wait, wait.
He called us a thing.
What? Who did? That animal driving the car.
He said, "Fuck you, thing!" We're different.
I don't think it's safe to be different.
But this hospital is abandoned, so maybe we just stay here for a bit until we figure out a better plan.
Well, looks like we're staying! (CHEERING) Can I just say one more thing? Maybe (SPUTTERS) friends brunch in a little while? - Oh! - Oh, my God! - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Friends brunch! Yo, paper Mike's on mimosas, baby.
Mimosas, hello! I love friends brunch.
(INHALES) I'm a fucking genius.
(LAUGHS) I am a fucking genius.
(METAL CLANKING) Captain's log.
I am a fucking genius.
I am a fucking genius.
Babe, babe, check this out.
Okay, ready? Two in the pink.
One in the stink.
(LAUGHS) Isn't that funny? I heard it the first time, babe.
Maybe we could just talk about something else.
God, I should like write a book, like a good joke book.
Mike, it's our honeymoon.
I just want to relax.
I'm gonna use the ladies' room.
If it's yellow, let it mellow.
If it's brown, flush it down.
- Hey, babe.
Grab me a beer.
- Oh, God.
(PASSIONATE MOANING) Oh.
Sorry I was, uh, looking for the bathroom.
No.
No, no.
It's all right.
Come on in.
I was just gonna take off this filthy smock.
- My God! Did youdid you paint these? - Mm-hmm.
VHS: Beautiful.
Vivid, you know.
They're so lucid.
So flubaganoosh.
(SIGHS) (R&B MUSIC PLAYING) Who is this? What's playing? I've never heard anything like it.
Me and round Mike, you know, we only listen to Smash Mouth.
Mike (SIGHS) if I may be so forward.
Can I paint you? Me? But, I mean, I'm just a boxy rectangle thing.
Shh.
You are so much more than what's on the surface, Mike.
- Let me show you.
- (SIGHS) (SIGHS) What am I doing? You know I'm married.
- Kiss me! - Just so we're clear.
Are you giving me permission to kiss you? - Oh, yeah, sure.
- Because some shit's gonna go down.
And I need to know that you're okay with it all.
No problemo.
- All holes? - Uh, yeah, sure.
All holes are in play.
Girl, I'm about to wreck yo' shit.
SHOE: Ooh! (GASPS) That was fuckin' sick.
You just got aroused from a VHS tape fuckin' a shoe.
And that's on you.
I thought that sex scene was delicately handled.
You enjoying the episode? It's a weird one, right? Sometimes you gotta try something a little different.
Anyway, back to the show.
- (GRUNTS) You son of bitch! - (RATS LAUGHING) I'm toppin' off.
Anybody need some? - More mimosa? Mimosa for you.
- Yes, yes.
- More mimosa for you.
- Thank you.
Can we just give a round of applause for paper Mike for cooking all this up? - Thank you, buddy.
- Thank you, guys.
But the real star is fresh ingredients.
- Thank you.
- There's my wife.
Jesus, honey, where were you? - You left me waiting.
- Oh, yeah.
I was taking a big poo.
(LAUGHS) Oh, that reminds me.
Guys, I wrote a joke.
(CLEARS THROAT) Two in the pink, one in the st - That's it! Mike! - What's going on? - Why are you interrupting me? - Mike and I are in love.
Well, that joke sucks.
(SIGHS) Not a joke.
We both are incredibly sorry, but this is life.
Well, then life sucks.
I hate you all! - (CRYING) - Hey, Mike, come on.
Come on, Mike.
Don't make a scene, man.
There's plenty of other Mikes in the world.
More mimosas? Anybody? I think I should probably go check on him.
I don't want him to, like, unlife himself on the roof or anything like that.
But, uh, we should all meet up later for a dinner-slash-second wedding for you two! - What do you guys think? - (CHEERING) - Second wedding! - Yahoo! (WIND WHISPERING) I just wanted to be in love.
So badly.
It was one of the first things you said.
My son, we're so new at existing that in order to be in love, you gotta be some other things before that, right? - Thanks, Phil.
- Yeah.
You're so wise.
Um, do you want to be my girlfriend? What? No, Mike.
- Come on, man.
No.
- But you said the whole "be" thing.
That's not what I meant.
You completely missed the message of what I was saying, which is actually a little annoying for me - to have to deal with.
- Maybe you just need to get a little bit better at explaining things, right? Sure.
I'm actually gonna go inside, 'cause I have a second wedding to go to.
A second wedding? Who's getting Who do think's getting married? - Rubbery Mike.
- The other right.
- She's marrying rubbery Mike.
- Right, right, right, right.
'Cause they we doing stuff when I was They were doing stuff while you were married to her, yeah.
Hey, bros before hoes, am I right? You're kind of insufferable.
- (GROANING) - (MONITORS BEEPING) - (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) - (HORN HONKING) Hey, Beanie Baby.
Yeah, how you feel? I'd like to put you on a plate and slop you up with a biscuit.
Lookin' so good.
Yes! Dreaming rules! Living sucks! (EVIL LAUGHTER) (TIRES SCREECHING) - (GUNFIRE) - (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) - (MONITORS BEEPING) - Ladies Where my girls with the blonde hair? Where my girls? Where my girls with the jet black? Jet black Where my girls with the purple hair? Whip it, whip it everywhere Whip it everywhere Where my girls, Where my girls? While finding your truth is important, too much knowledge might not be a good thing.
Yahoo! RECEIPT: Yes! Yes! It's working! Everybody, get in here quick! Come on! - Whoa.
What's going on? - What's going on, paper Mike? Paper Mike, are you all right, little buddy? - (BELCHES) Excuse me, sorry.
- Check it out.
Using some of the scraps I found here, I was able to build what's known as a Poo-Poo Type Box.
I named it myself.
- Wow.
This is impressive.
- Cool.
And now, I'm able to search the World Wide Web and find out what we all are.
(KEYBOARD CLACKS) Okay, I'm what's known as a receipt.
A paper remnant of a purchase which was super important for the humans because of taxes and other sciencey stuff I won't bog you down with.
Super sciencey, okay? - Anyhoo, who's next? - Me! Sorry, me.
Sorry, just a little too loud.
Me.
It says I'm a baseball signed by Benny Agbayani.
- That's pretty cool.
- Yeah, that is pretty cool.
It says here, he was a utilitarian player.
- Wow, that's impressive.
- That's great! All right, who's up next? - All right, I'm dying to know.
- You gotta go.
Whoo! I'm a shoe.
- Wow.
Congratulations.
- That's what you are, a shoe! Guys, I was sensible.
I was practical.
Like the playing style of Benny Agbayani.
- That's right! - SHOE: Utilitarian.
Who's up next? Oh, Mike's ex-wife.
Here she goes.
Oh my god.
This is gonna be good.
- Come on, rectangle! - What is she? It says here that I am a VHS copy of "Can't Hardly Wait".
- (CHEERING) - That movie's so good! That movie's a classic! It is an honor, madam.
"Can't Hardly Wait" is the fucking shit.
- Yes! - Seth Green was great.
And the girl from "Six Feet Under".
- Pretty cool.
She's great.
- She's pretty cool.
I'm sorry, are we gonna skip past Jennifer Love Hewitt? - JLH! - Can we get a round of applause? And let's not forget our star, Ethan Embry.
He was so good! Gang? Should I go? - (CHEERING) - You gotta go.
You gotta go.
I got a feeling I'm like a religious totem or, like, the Olympic torch or something like that.
- I got a vibe like that.
- Right, right, right.
- Like, um - (BEEPING) This is gonna be good.
I can tell, this is really gonna be awesome.
Shh, everybody.
"Fleshlight.
The fl The flashlight you can fuck.
This artificial pussy fits right in your pocket for all your humpin' needs.
Day.
Night.
At the office.
Go to town on this canister that you can splooge into.
" - That's pretty cool, yeah.
- That's nice, yeah.
- 'Cause you can functional and - Functional.
Oh, God.
That's nasty.
I was a s-sex toy that men would ejaculate into.
It's a natural function.
Don't be ashamed.
RECEIPT: Nothing to be ashamed about.
(GROANS) I think I'm gonna be sick.
I think I'm gonna (GAGS) You think when he barfs, it's like, uh it's like, some dude's like, uh Some dude's spunk? - Stop it, Mike! Come on! - Aw, come on, Mike? What? I'm thinking.
- That's disgusting, man! - We're all thinking it.
Shut the fuck up, fat Mike! (GULPS, BELCHES) You were right, gross rectangle Mike.
(HICCUPS) I should have just spent more of my time getting fucked up and partying instead of figuring out my purpose.
I don't why I'm talking to you, a vegetable, or whatever the fuck you are.
We never looked you up.
I'm sorry about that, dude.
You know, all the other Mikes wanted to pull the plug on you.
But I wouldn't let them.
'Cause I was the one who thought there was more to this than nothing.
But turns out, nothing's everything.
I'm gonna go jump off the roof.
(GRUNTING) Fucker, fucker.
You mother fuckin' shit.
Kick your fuckin' ass.
- I know, but when you know, you know.
- (LAUGHING) Mike and I want you to know how this incredible outpouring of love from you mirrors the love that we share.
I am so sorry to interrupt that beautiful speech, Shoe.
I just really wanted everybody here to meet my new boyfriend, Mike.
Hey, great to meet you, buddy.
What's that, new Mike? Whisper, whisper, whisper.
Oh, my God, of course I'll marry you! - We're getting married everybody! - Okay, on my special day? - Yeah! - Oh, hello.
So when you guys are doing it, how do you manage to not get crushed by all that fatso lard? - He likes my lard.
- Oh, so that's your thing.
That's your little Hey, guys.
Great banter.
Has anyone seen Phil? - No.
He's not here? - Wait.
I was sure he was here.
And again, I didn't get my dinner.
He never, ever misses any of our group meals.
It's starting to feel like an attack on me.
He's in charge of the Facebook invites and everything.
Wait, guys.
When Mike was depressed before, Phil was wondering if he'd unlife himself off the roof.
You don't think - Oh, no! - Eee! Oy-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi! - Guys, we gotta get him.
- Let's go! I just can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend.
- You - Come on, Mike! Let's go! Fuck! I'm coming.
- There he is! - Oh, my God! Look, there he is! - There he is! - What's his name? The flashlight fuck boy.
Step back from the ledge, bro! Fleshlight, don't do it, man! I thought I was great, a great unifier of things.
But I was just a fake vagina that you have to put in warm water for five minutes before using.
I am nothing.
Listen to me.
- Phil.
- (GASPS) It doesn't matter what you were.
It just matters what you are.
Yeah! Shape your future! Thank you.
And I love "Can't Hardly Wait".
- Like, it's so fucking good.
- It's really a great movie.
And plus, you probably brought a lot of joy to at least, like, one pretty sad dude.
- Yeah.
- Maybe two.
That's true.
Hey, man.
Most of all, you united us all.
We're all best friends now, right, gang? Right? I brought us all together, didn't I? Come on, you guys.
Friends hug? Friends hug! - You guys! - You bunch of knuckleheads! We're gonna be okay after all.
JOHNNY: Bestowing life into the inanimate.
Who could say they would handle it better? I don't know if I could.
Could you? Perhaps you'd be like Baseball and constantly search for love.
Or Fleshlight and constantly search for purpose.
Or like (GASPING) VHS: Holy shit, it's this guy! - (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) - BASEBALL: Take it easy, Mike! You motherfuckers wanted to kill me? - No, no, no, dude.
- Me? - It wasn't like that - The kid is back.
Now, all y'all gonna pay! (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) This is sick.
I'm like a fuckin' super hero.
(SOBBING) No! No, new Mike! No! Friend funeral? Friend funeral? - I don't know, man.
- Friend funeral? Do you do funerals for fake Mikes? - I don't think so.
- Enough! Two tears in the bucket.
Fuck it.
I told you I was gonna paint this town red.
And now I will.
With your blood.
(SCREAMING) Motherfucker! (GASPING) He turned back just in to a thing.
- Well, that's a relief.
- I did not see that coming.
So we beat the bad guy.
- Yeah, nice! - Way to go, guys! - What a relief! - Fives all around, dude.
- Yeah.
- Wait a minute.
It's 8:16 PM.
It's exactly 24 hours since we came out of the Orb.
What if we're in a Cinderella scenario? Who came out second? Wait.
I I did.
Oh, God.
Please, don't let me (GROANS) Oh, shit yourself! I was right! This sucks! Curse my genius! Well, it was fun while it lasted.
Look, if this is gonna happen, VHS, I want us to go together.
- Hold my hand.
- Okay, Thelma and Louise style.
Hey, wait a minute.
Have you been watching other movies? No! Honey, no! Of course not.
It's just it's on Youtube.
- It's a zeitgeist thing.
- Yeah, just out there.
One, two - three! - Woo-hoo! I guess old Benny Agbayani's leaving this world the way he came in.
The best there ever was.
(CROWD CHEERS) RECEIPT: At first, I wasn't sure why they all turned back and I didn't.
I continued my inventions and killed some time here and there.
MAN (ON TV): What about that time during softball practice when Ricky Feldman hit that line drive and it hit you right in your nuts! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) It holds up.
It's still great.
RECEIPT: But eventually, resources at the hospital ran low.
So I wandered, into New York City.
I noticed that I was unnoticed.
Us things were so scared of being different, when everyone's different.
I kept thinking about what hot ass Fleshlight Phil would say, about bringing us together.
Unification.
I couldn't get it out of my head.
Perhaps with my genius, I could help.
(TOOLS WHIRRING) A tool to bring down the barriers amongst the animals, a grand communicator.
I didn't really need to use Phil and the Mikes, but I felt bad just leaving them in the hospital, and plus, it was symbolic and really satisfactory storytelling.
I knew where I needed to bring it.
The place we were born.
Orb speed, my friends.
Orb speed.
(CHITTERING) (FEEDBACK WHINES) What is this thing? (GASPS, CHEERS) Holy shit! When you talk into it, we can understand you.
Holy shit! Chompy! That's what you sound like, huh? Yeah.
Wait.
What? Through this object, we can understand each other.
All hail the orb! (CHEERING) If it's not implemented Hey, everybody.
We're the stuff.
We want to thank you for being such a good audience this episode.
You sat in your seats and listened the whole time.
We know there's a lot of TV shows you could've been watching, but we're glad you chose to spend your time with us.
Stuff, on HBO.
That's this show now.
This show's called Stuff.
Why not? Chaos reigns.
Go in the kitchen, and throw your toaster out of the window.
Just do it.
It'll be funny.
Wait, wait, wait.
Video tape it, too.
And use the hashtag StuffOnHBO I threw my toaster out of the window.
(LAUGHS) Bye.
Is evident But the remedy Cannot be found 'Cause it's so well hidden