As Time Goes By (1992) s03e05 Episode Script

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # - I've never heard of bespoke overalls before.
- A mate of mine.
- Yes, I thought it would be.
- Nice of you to give up your Saturday.
I want to see it through.
After all the um-ing and ah-ing about Lionel moving in with Jean, I want to make sure that it actually happens.
They'll be fine.
They're like bacon and eggs.
Yes, but they've never lived in the same frying pan before.
Nice one! Hi, Li.
It's the A-Team! - Morning.
Morning, Sandy.
- Hello, Lionel.
Are you all set? - Yes, I think so.
This is very kind of you both.
- Aww.
- Think of us as two little Cupids.
- Clothed, of course.
- Winston Churchill used to wear one of those.
- This is reversible.
Well, he was only the prime minister.
Um, is this all you're taking? Yeah.
Well, we don't want two sets of furniture, do we? - It says something to me.
- What? It's saying, "I'm lean, I'm trimmed down, this is my fighting weight.
" I don't look on this move as a boxing match.
Well, it says to me that there isn't much of it.
When you have finished with what my effects say to you, perhaps you could move them? There speaks a hyped-up guy.
- No, a guy who wants to get on with it.
- Whatever, guv'nor.
- Now, don't lift anything too heavy, will you? - I'm not an invalid! I know.
I just want to get you there in good condition.
Makes me sound like a prize cat.
A tom, naturally.
- I've washed the kitchen floor.
- Oh, thanks, love.
Did you shut your bedroom door? Yeah.
I still don't understand why you asked me to do that.
Nor do I, really.
- The house hasn't been this clean for years.
- I know.
Well, I want it to look nice for Lionel.
- He won't notice.
- No, but I will! Oh, I see.
- You're laughing at me, aren't you? - Yeah, I am.
"Lionel knows how we live," you said.
"Near chaos.
He'll just have to take us as he finds us.
" Then you have the pair of us tearing about since dawn! Not dawn, at all! I heard you cleaning the bathroom at six o'clock this morning.
- It was just a wipe-round! - What, all two hours of it? Oh, you didn't? No, I didn't leave a ring round the bath.
And I didn't leave my tights hanging.
Ugh.
It's not like me, is it? No.
Yes, it is, actually, since Lionel came back in your life.
It's rather nice, though, seeing you get all flustered.
Is there a cruel streak in your nature that I know nothing about? Well, before Lionel it was all work.
My God, you were organised.
Now you're behaving like a human being again.
- I'm not sure how to take that.
- With love.
- Did you phone the window cleaner? - He can't come.
His day is Thursday.
- They're filthy! - He only came last week.
Get Lionel to do it.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! "Welcome to your new home.
Would you mind cleaning the windows?" - It was a joke.
- Perhaps the whole thing is a joke.
- Perhaps the whole idea is a terrible mistake.
- Yeah, that's the spirit.
- Well - There's no "well" about it.
Unless you run away to sea as a ship's cleaner.
You know that Lionel's put his flat up for sale? Yeah, well, he would, wouldn't he? What are you frowning for? Well If it doesn't work here he'll have nowhere to go.
- Where are you going? - I've got a few minutes, to sweep the road.
Oh! That's about it, then, Li.
- Yes, that's about it.
- Good! I'm going off those stairs.
- See you down there, then.
- Right.
Look, why don't I pop out somewhere and try to find some more cardboard boxes? - We don't need any more boxes.
- You're leaving so much.
These knick-knacks.
They're just bits and pieces I've accumulated.
Well, doesn't something like this have any sentimental value at all? Hideous, isn't it? I never did work out what they were doing to each other.
Well, what about this, then? Oh, that was a wedding anniversary present.
Second? Fourth? I can't remember.
- I didn't like the couple who gave it to us.
- But it's really nice.
- Would you like it? - Well, no, not really.
- Then why should I want it? - Because you're taking so little.
Just one more box.
Sandy, I'm starting a new chapter in my life.
I don't want all the old pages.
Too many of them were blank, anyway.
Well, perhaps when you've settled in with Jean you'll take some of it out of storage.
I'm selling it.
All of it.
To one of those house clearance outfits.
Let someone else work out why she's sitting on his head.
You know, in my first little flat, there wasn't room to swing a cat.
But I still felt ever so sad when I moved out.
You get fond of places, don't you? - What, this? - Yes! No, I was never really fond of this.
I just got used to it.
Come on, let's go.
You know, when I left I actually said, "Goodbye, little flat.
" - I shan't be doing that.
- No.
Look, are you sure there's nothing else you want to take? - Oh, just a minute.
- Good.
There.
- Cornflakes? - Why not? Why would he bring half a packet of cornflakes and a toilet roll? Well, he was in the army.
What's that got to do with it? - Be prepared, and all that.
- No, that's the Scouts.
Same principle.
Just be grateful he didn't bring his tank! He brought so little, really.
Just two suitcases and a few boxes.
His life.
Not even a stick of furniture.
- He's selling his furniture.
- Just two suitcases and a few boxes.
- His life.
- Hey, hey, lighten up! You talk like he's going to prison.
He's moving in with the woman in his life.
It happens.
- Has it ever happened to you? - Well, no.
They usually move in with me.
Oh, do they? Well, it's a big step for Lionel.
One small step for man one giant leap for Lionel-kind.
Oh, shut up, Alistair.
Sandy's right.
Mum could be Lionel's last chance at happiness.
And Lionel could be your mum's.
And there's me thinking that this is a happy day.
- I was in the bathroom.
- Oh, yes, I know.
- The blue towels are yours.
- Blue for a boy? Something like that.
- That's too full.
- I know it's too full! I'm just trying to give you enough drawer space.
Is there enough there? Oh, yes, ample.
A lot of my stuff will just jam in, you see.
Well, I suppose I might as well start jamming.
You don't jam shirts, do you? No! Socks, pants, jammable things.
Oh.
- Oh! I'm sorry.
- What about? Oh! That's my ex.
Yes, I guessed that.
She's she's quite er handsome, isn't she? Oh, I always thought of her as angular.
No, handsome.
Definitely handsome.
Nice! I don't want her there! - Well, David's there.
- Yes, I know.
- I felt him looking at me a few times.
- Well, I'm sure he'd approve.
- Yes.
Looks a nice chap.
- Yes, he was.
You can't put her in with your shirts! Well, I don't have her out at home.
Um, didn't.
- Do you always keep her in with your shirts? - No.
In an odds and ends drawer.
- That's not flattering, is it? - Well, she doesn't know.
I bet she doesn't have a photograph of you in a drawer.
I very much doubt if she's got a photograph of me anywhere.
As a matter of fact, I did think of chucking her away altogether, but she was a part of my life, even if it was a boring part.
What are you doing? If you won't have her out, it only seems fair.
David wouldn't mind.
No, no, no.
You loved him.
No, you remember him fondly, that's the difference.
- Well, she's still alive.
- She won't suffocate in there.
Don't put him away.
- Are you submerging your personality? - Under what? I don't know.
Here.
I mean, you didn't bring any pictures.
- Over there.
- No, I mean the sort on the wall.
- You've got pictures.
- Yes, but none of yours.
- Mine were just ordinary things.
- This isn't exactly the Tate Gallery, is it? - Why are you getting so up in the air? - I'm not.
I just want you to be happy.
There's more than a good chance that I will be.
But you're not certain? I can't be certain.
No.
I'll just go in the bathroom again.
Oh, David We're going out to lunch.
- We may not want to.
I'll check with Lionel.
- I meant the under-80s.
Oh! Oh, yes, I see.
Well, off you go, then.
- What are you holding that for? - Well, Lionel keeps his ex in a drawer.
That sounds rather macabre.
No, her photograph.
I'm wondering whether I should do the same with David.
Lionel says not.
Good.
That sounds healthy.
What does she look like? - No wonder he kept her in a drawer.
- Oh, Judy! - Mum, you used to be much prettier than that.
- That's not fair! - Oh, used to be? - You are, you are.
- Oh! - I'll see you.
Mum, it'll be fine.
Yes.
Bye, love.
- Bye, Lionel.
- Bye! I was just putting my things in the bathroom.
- Yes, you told me.
- Oh.
- She hasn't gone out because of me, has she? - No, of course not.
They're all going to lunch.
I suspect Alistair is taking them to Bangkok.
You didn't want to go, did you? - Good Lord, no, they're exhausting.
- Omelette? That'll be nice.
Do you want a hand? No.
You finish unpacking, and, um, I'll give you a shout.
Right.
No, that's my side.
You wouldn't want to be over my side.
Leopards? No.
Wolves? No.
What is the expression? I said Mum and Lionel were circling each other like a couple of Ugh! A couple of what? Sumo wrestlers? I'm worried.
Today's going to seem about 70 hours long for them.
Oh Oh - Alistair? - I'm all right.
I was swooning.
I do when I'm with two beautiful women who don't pay attention to me.
- I am going on a bit, aren't it? - Just a tad, yes.
Alistair, I think you're a wonderful man.
Good-looking, charming, funny, generous.
Now, that's the kind of conversation I like.
I thought I'd get it in quick, I have to go now.
Nick doesn't work this afternoon.
- Hey, hey - Not exactly.
We're painting my kitchen.
- What's my share? - Oh, please! I'm good-looking, charming, funny and generous, remember? Thanks, Alistair.
- Bye, Judy.
See you Monday.
- Bye, Sandy.
Don't worry.
They'll be all right, you know.
Bye.
- I hope they're using emulsion.
- Why? You can body paint with emulsion.
Very therapeutic.
Alistair, are you doing anything tonight? Oh, you're turned on! Fancy a couple of coats? No, I just don't want to be at home.
I think Mum and Lionel need some space.
- I feel used.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That was a bit of a cheek.
Oh, don't be sorry.
It all depends how I'm used.
More emulsion? Why not? I mentioned earlier, he's so good at judging the length.
For a small man, he plays right forward when playing defensively, but then he can quickly rock back on to the back foot We're supposed to have what we want for our last meal.
I insist on my rights.
Pay no attention to him, Sheriff.
And then that sort of thing I've been impressed by that, but he will be All you can eat.
Huh! Oh! Oh! Well, get your foot down.
Stand on it! I'm trying to! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! That's better.
That's better.
Oh, oh What's it like, living with a young stag? - Well, I'm not exactly a fawn myself.
- Ohhh - Oh - Ohhh the batting crease.
- No, you don't have to do that.
- You were watching it.
I was asleep.
Watch your film.
No, you watch your cricket.
- It's a dull match, anyway.
- Well, it's a dull film.
- Buster Crabbe looked about 13.
- Hah! I suppose we could be noble and not watch anything at all.
Oh, yes, let's do that.
- I'm sorry I fell asleep.
- It doesn't matter.
It's bad manners, first day here, and all.
You make it sound like prep school.
Hardcastle of the Lower Fourth.
No, no, Upper Sixth.
Anyway, I don't imagine that I'm so endlessly fascinating to keep you awake all the day.
I often feel I could drop off, at weekends.
- You didn't today? - No.
- Cos I was here? - It doesn't matter, does it? We needn't have a ballot every time one of us wants to drop off.
Do you have any custard tarts? - Custard tarts? - Yeah.
No, I don't.
I've got some biscuits.
No, thanks.
I just fancied a custard tart.
Well, I'll get some on Monday.
We ought to make a list if there's anything in the food line that you particularly fancy.
No, no, look, I don't have any special dietary requirements.
I'll just go along with things.
- Oh, no, I don't want that.
- I did at the flat.
Yes, but they were your things.
I often take a stroll out to get the evening paper about now.
Yes, well, let's do that.
I usually have a swift half at the same time.
- Yes, I don't mind a swift half.
- Oh.
Fine! - You don't want me to come? - Yes, if you want to.
- No, no, I don't, actually.
- Oh.
Well, that's all right, then.
I've got things to do.
Look, I I wasn't deliberately excluding you.
- You didn't actually ask me.
- I didn't not ask you.
No, "l".
You said, "I often stroll out about now," you know, et cetera, et cetera.
- Yeah, well, I do.
- Yes, well, off you go, then.
Right.
I'll only be about 40 minutes.
- You don't have to tell me how long you'll be.
- No, I just thought I would.
Yes, well, now you have.
Yes, now I have.
Red wine vinegar Oh, I don't have any red wine vinegar.
Then I wouldn't have, would I? - Lionel? - No, me.
Oh.
I came back to change.
I'm going out with Alistair tonight.
You don't have to go out.
Uh, he asked me.
What's going on? Well, I didn't think we should start with a "peel back lid and cook for 20 minutes" job.
- It's not a new recipe, is it? - Yes, it is, for me.
Oh, dear.
You always get in a bit of a state with new recipes.
- Thanks for the encouragement.
- No, you ignore me.
Where's Lionel? - He popped out for a swift half.
- Oh! - I don't mind.
- No, of course you don't.
- Are you having a good day? - Oh, yes, fine.
- Oh, it's been horrible.
- Oh, Mum.
Every time he moves, he tells me where he's going.
"I'm off to the kitchen," "I'm off to the bathroom.
" - It's his house now.
- He just needs some time, that's all.
And I'm not helping matters.
We're practically being formal with each other.
We'll probably call each other Mr Hardcastle and Miss Pargetter by the end of the day.
I wish I could think of some incredibly wise advice.
I'd settle for some halfway sensible advice.
Good Lord, we've over 100 years of experience between us.
We ought to be able to cope.
You will.
Just give it time.
Time is not on our side.
- Oh, go on, off you go, love, and change.
- OK.
You're right.
I shouldn't have tackled a new recipe.
- Look, I told you, just ignore me.
- Oh, you've said it now.
- Li, hi! - Hello.
- Fancy the other half? - No, thanks.
I said I'd be back soon.
Under the cosh already? - Joke, mate.
G-O-K-E, joke.
- What are you doing round here? Waiting for Judith to slip into something more uncomfortable.
Are you taking her somewhere special? Tonight's a special night for you and Jean.
We were just keeping out of your hair.
Oh.
Frightened that we'd be at each other's throats? - No! You're not, are you? - The reverse.
We're treating each other like very delicate pieces of porcelain.
- Listen, by this time next week - Yes, I know.
Darby and Joan.
No.
But you catch my drift.
- It's called optimism? - Yes.
I'll tell you what does occur, Lionel.
- That it's misplaced? - No.
It occurs to me that you are just beginning your third book.
Well, I haven't even started the second yet, and after the mediocrity of My Life In Kenya, I'm not likely to.
You should.
It smells of a miniseries to me.
- Smells? - Well, feels, then.
Book Two.
You and Jean all those years ago.
The young soldier and the young nurse in love but parted by cruel war.
No, no, no, "cruelly parted" is better.
- Not a lot of laughs.
- But a million tears.
It's all ratings, mate.
I might speak to America.
How nice for them.
If that's the second book, what's the third? Like I said, it started today.
"Remember those young kids? They're back, and they're in love again!" It's a happy-ever-after job.
- A work of fiction, of course.
- Oh, Li! Look, why don't you take Jean out tonight, hm? Do you both good.
Wine her, dine her Get loose.
Loose? - Relaxed.
- It's what we need to be.
And I know just the place.
Ah, there! - The Caff, with two Fs? - Don't be fooled.
The atmosphere is intimate, the food is superb, and it's so exclusive that Sly Stallone got turned away last week.
- Then how do I get in? - I know the owner.
He's a mate of mine.
I'll give him a bell and book you a quiet table.
Eight o'clock be all right? I'm obliged, Alistair.
And think about that second book.
I'm not that obliged.
I'll go and tell Jean.
And say it was your idea.
Bye! Oh! I'm just going out.
- I can see by the direction you're pointed in.
- With Alistair.
I know, I just met him in the pub.
I know it's not my business, but have you ever discussed his intentions? Now, coming from you, that's rich.
- Touché.
- Anyway, have a nice evening.
- I've got a surprise for your mother.
- That's good, she's got one for you.
Bye! It's me! Oh, I'm in here! - May I come in? - What if I said no? - I'd think it was a strange answer.
- So it's a strange question.
There is only one room that you can't simply walk into, and that - Judith's bedroom.
I'm aware of that.
- Of course you are.
- My God, this is a mess! - Well, I've been cooking.
For how many people? - Just the two of us.
It's a complicated recipe.
- It must have been.
You don't need to bother, cos I've arranged for us to go out this evening.
What do you mean, I don't have to bother? I have bothered! - Well, so have I.
- But it's in the oven.
- Well, it's only six o'clock.
- But it needs two and a half hours to cook.
- Couldn't you take it out again? - To do what with? - Save it till tomorrow.
- It won't save till tomorrow.
- It's something in a casserole.
- Why should that be so significant? Well, you can reheat things in casseroles.
As a matter of fact, casseroles can even profit from it.
Oh, can they? Since when have you been such an expert? I haven't lived out of packets all my life.
I'm right, aren't I? - I don't know.
- Aren't I? - Yes, all right, all right! - Ha-ha! Well, that's that solved.
- What do you mean? - I mean that we can go out to the restaurant this evening and have that tomorrow.
- Oh, it's "that"? - I can't see inside the casserole.
It's carbonnade a la flamande.
Ooh-ho-ho! Well, that sounds jolly good.
- Yes, it'll be wonderful.
- I shall look forward to it tomorrow.
No, I look forward to it tonight.
I thought women liked not having to cook every now and then? - But I've already cooked.
- Well, I've already booked.
What kind of effort did that make? A phone call? Well, Alistair did that, actually.
Oh! I bet it was Alistair's idea.
- You don't know that.
- Was it? - Well, actually - Yeah? Yes, it was.
Well, I'm not very good at ideas of that sort.
I don't often have them.
A bit out of practice, I suppose.
But I like it, and I thought you'd like it.
A sort of "here we are" meal.
- But that's what I'm cooking.
- But you didn't tell me beforehand.
- No, it was a surprise.
- So was going out.
Well, I'm sorry, Lionel, but I think this is more special.
It's not that I don't appreciate it, but you're not being logical.
Oh, really? Surely it's logical to make the best of both our efforts? Even if mine was Alistair's.
A delicious meal at the restaurant tonight, then your delicious carbonnade a la la - A la flamande.
- Flamande, flamande, flamande, tomorrow.
- But I made it for tonight! - Oh, really! Yes, really! I tell you what, you go to the restaurant, and I'll stay at home and eat this.
It's all I It's all I can possibly offer to do.
- I've finished cleaning up.
- Thank you.
- I stacked the dishwasher.
- Thank you.
- I think I told you, I stack from the back.
- Yes, I believe you did.
So I haven't started it because there's room at the front.
So, that's all right, then.
I think I'll go and change.
You're quite right, it is logical.
- Who are you phoning? - The restaurant.
There's no need to check.
If Alistair's booked, we'll have the equivalent of the royal box.
I believe you have a table booked in the name of Hardcastle.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I'm sorry, I'm phoning to cancel it.
Well, I'm sure you'll survive.
Goodbye.
- They sounded as if it never happened before.
- Why did you do that? Cos I didn't think of it, and you did.
Even if the kitchen did look as though it had been hit by a hurricane.
- Oh, you're a decent sort.
- Well, basically.
Oh! - Oh, no, I'm worried.
- Why? What my cooking's got to live up to.
- Jolly nice.
I haven't had rock salmon for ages.
- I've gone off food.
- It's not your fault.
It was just a bit underdone.
- It was raw! All the bits and bobs, all the ingredients right, then I forget to bring it back to the boil - before putting it on to simmer again.
- Look on the bright side.
- We can have it tomorrow! - Oh, yes! - I'll get you some custard tarts as well.
- Ooh! You were a long time.
I was just checking around, making sure the back door was locked.
You didn't lock the front door, did you? Judy's not in.
No, I know.
Will she be in? I don't know.
I suppose it seems rather old-fashioned.
The bloke, checking around before he goes to bed.
I like it.
It makes me feel protected.
Huh! I'm hardly Sylvester Stallone.
Thank heavens for that.
What brought him up? Well, he was turned away from the restaurant we were going to this evening.
He'd have been turned away from the fish and chip shop, and all.
With or without a tie.
- Where's David? - He's all right.
Is she still in with the shirts? Mm.
Probably sewing on some buttons.
- Well, here we are.
- Yes, here we are.
Actually, I've got a headache.
- It's all right, I'm tired.
- No, really.
- It must be the strain of the day.
- Mm.
I wouldn't want to go through that again.
I trust you won't have to.
Well, good night, then.
Good night.
- Lionel, I don't want to be a pessimist - You can leave that to me.
No, but, seriously, us, here, I mean If it had been all those years ago, but it isn't.
And, I mean, we've never been domestic together before.
- There's no use kidding ourselves it'll be easy.
- Oh, I know that.
But then, when did anyone ever claim that love was easy? # You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #