Batman (1966) s03e05 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Daybreak at Gotham City Library where Penguin has just purloined a priceless folio of famous umbrellas.
Ha, ha, ha.
I know where to dispose of you for a good price.
Then Lulu and I are off to the races.
Ha, ha, ha.
- Caught with the goods, eh, Penguin? -Faugh, how did you get unglued? - Hand over that folio, you feathered felon.
-And come quietly.
Oh, I always knew I'd come to the end of the road.
Holy diversionary tactic.
I'll have my men pick him up in a jiffy.
- No.
-No? Since we didn't apprehend him in this office and he got away with the folio let's let him play out his hand.
I suspect that this robbery is only part of a much bigger caper.
Escaped? With the folio? - Hello, Ms.
Gordon.
-Hello, Batman, Robin, Chief O'Hara.
And last but not least I told you we can handle this.
You needn't have gotten up so early.
Well, it was almost time to open anyway, Daddy.
Who was it? The Penguin again? Yes, and that slimy bird slipped right through our fingers.
I guess I better phone Bruce Wayne.
As head of the library's board of trustees, he'd be upset at the loss of a rare item.
You needn't bother Mr.
Wayne needlessly, Ms.
Gordon.
- Needlessly? That folio is invaluable.
- I'll have that folio back within an hour.
I suspected he might make this move and I prepared a counter one.
Today is the day of the Bruce Wayne Foundation Handicap at Gotham Park Racetrack.
I'm sure Mr.
Wayne has many other important things on his mind.
Well, Robin, to the Batcave.
Lulu, that's magnificent.
That is the sharpest-looking horse of another color I've ever seen in my life.
At least nobody will recognize him.
But I do hope nobody recognizes that the horse from the glue factory in Parasol's stall is a phony.
By the time they do, the race will be over.
Ha, ha, ha.
What about the track officials, the jockey? Wally Bootmaker is supposed to ride Parasol.
He's not blind.
Don't worry about Wally Bootmaker.
My two finks will take care of him when they get back.
Well, here we are.
Business as usual, huh? Penguin's Bookshop.
Hello, Sammy.
Iron Marshmallow in the big race.
No, listen, I got a tip it's gonna be scratched.
Matter of fact, I got a tip that all but two of the horses are gonna be scratched.
Parasol and a late entry by the name of Bumbershoot.
But the big bet, Sammy, is Parasol.
All right, I'll take it, but pay cash, Sammy.
Ha, ha, ha.
What do you mean, all but two horses will be scratched? -"Scratched" means withdrawn from the race.
-I know what it means.
- But what do you mean, Pengy? -I got a plan.
I hope so.
But why did you tell him to bet on Parasol and not on Bumbershoot? Because the more money that's bet on that phony nag, which is bound to lose the more money we'll make because the odds will be higher.
All I have to do is to unload this folio there and get some money to bet.
- What's that, the racing news? -No, this is the Saturday review of folios.
All the rich collectors and advertisers.
Wait a minute.
This sounds like a pigeon.
"Wanted.
For private collections.
Priceless folios of all famous articles, particularly parasols.
Will pay top prices.
Mr.
A.
L.
Fredd.
" The Gotham West Hotel.
That's a very, very wealthy hotel.
I'll just call.
I'm sure that our 10 grand is gonna be in the feed bag, Lulu.
It's not Lulu.
It's Lola Lasagne.
Well, have it your way.
Lasagne, macaroni, whatever.
Hello, will you give me Mr.
A.
L.
Fredd? It's the Penguin Bookshop for him.
Heh.
Hello, Mr.
A.
L.
Fredd? Yes, this is A.
L.
Fredd.
- Should we take this up with the Batcomputer? -Take what up? The location of Penguin's hideout, for one thing.
It's a little bookmaking shop on Fleece Street.
I did a little extracurricular crime-detecting while Dick Grayson did his homework.
And also found out you're gonna have that folio back in an hour? I still want Penguin to play out his hand, Robin.
And I believe you'll find that the priceless folio is upstairs in Bruce Wayne's study.
I just came in, Ms.
Gordon.
I don't know if Mr.
Wayne is here or-- Oh, he just walked in.
One moment, please.
It's Ms.
Gordon from the library, sir.
And there's the priceless folio.
A steal at $10,000.
Hello, Ms.
Gordon.
Oh, Mr.
Wayne, I'm glad I finally reached you.
I've been trying for over an hour.
Dick and I were out taking our usual early constitutional.
Apparently Alfred didn't hear the telephone.
What can I do for you, Ms.
Gordon? Well, completely against Batman's suggestion and my father's advice I thought you should know.
The priceless folio of famous parasols we keep in a locked case was stolen earlier this morning.
Yes, by the Penguin.
He apparently made his entrance with some sort of passkey and his exit through a window by using his umbrella as a parachute.
A man of many talents.
You're not upset at such a loss? I'm not upset, Ms.
Gordon, because the priceless folio is, at this very moment, on the desk in front of me.
One second, please.
Yes, Alfred tells me that Batman returned it just a few minutes ago, Ms.
Gordon.
Oh, well, that's incredible.
Batman said he'd have it back within an hour, but-- You didn't believe him? Well, I'm afraid I'm still naive enough to believe the impossible can't be done.
I guess I owe Batman an apology.
A word of thanks should do at the proper time.
I'll see that the folio is returned to the library shortly.
- Goodbye, Ms.
Gordon.
- Good bye.
Good work, Mr.
Fredd.
I feel we're one step closer, Dick.
One step closer? When you're now out $10,000 to that pompous purloiner? "Patient men win the day," an apt quotation from Chaucer.
Apt maybe, but I doubt if Chaucer had run into Penguin when he wrote it.
While back with the baleful bookie Those freeways are murder, boss.
No explanations, no excuses, and you shut up.
I wanna see what the radio has to say about this.
--Priceless folio of famous parasols stolen this morning from the Gotham Library has been recovered by Batman and returned to Bruce Wayne, chairman of the board of directors.
Any further details are lacking at this time, but Commissioner Gordon-- Returned already.
Quadruple faugh.
She is gonna pay for this.
Who's she? Ms.
Gordon, that's who.
She works at the library, doesn't she? She knows that that folio was stolen.
She also happens to know Bruce Wayne, who knows Batman who just might know A.
L.
Fredd.
We got the 10 grand, Pengy.
Why ruffle your feathers? Because I smell a deep and dire plot in all this.
But Ms.
Gordon is going to smell something even worse.
- What's that? Another radio? -No, a little toy for the police commissioner's daughter.
-Does it walk? Of course it walks.
And as it walks a little while, it throws out a deadly gas on anybody who toys with it.
Pengy, all we wanna do is win a horse race.
We don't wanna kill anyone.
She spurned me, didn't she? Well, she's not gonna get a second chance.
Take this over to the police commissioner's daughter.
- Tell her it's a gift from an admirer.
-Okay, boss.
Visor, you go to the racetrack and you get rid of this Wally Bootmaker.
- I don't care how, just get rid of him.
-Right, Penguin.
We'll follow with our dark horse.
And while I am making the entries, I want you to get rid of all the other horses.
Me? How? Well, it's simple enough.
They know you there.
Just apply plenty of this.
Ha, ha, ha.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile at Gotham Park Racetrack the racing secretary has some startling news for millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Every horse except Parasol has been scratched? That's right, Mr.
Wayne.
And Wally Bootmaker has disappeared.
And there's someone here with a last-minute entry called Bumbershoot.
Yes, he's in my office now.
Well, he has his entry fee.
- Says he's the owner-trainer.
-And jockey.
What does he look like? Confidentially, he's a bit of a bird.
Let him enter Bumbershoot.
I'll get another jockey to ride Parasol.
And there will be another last-minute entry from the Bruce Wayne Stables.
But don't say anything about it yet.
Just as I thought.
Penguin has not only overplayed his hand, he's tipped his mitt.
Somehow he's managed to switch horses and put the big money on the wrong horse.
Probably that goat from the glue factory.
But what's this about another last-minute entry from Wayne Stables? Waynebeau, my new 3-year-old, should win it.
I didn't wanna enter him earlier.
I didn't want it to appear as if I were setting up own my horse to win the Bruce Wayne Foundation Handicap.
Now, about jockeys Bruce, let me ride Waynebeau.
I'm light enough.
No, Dick, I couldn't allow my own ward to ride my own thoroughbred.
- People might think it was funny.
-Hm.
But you can ride the fake Parasol and try to win it.
But if I did win, wouldn't that upset all your plans? No, I'll get another jockey to ride the other horse.
Who? Well No, I wouldn't even know where to look for her.
- Her? -Batgirl.
Gosh, yes, she'd be great.
On our side and all.
And all, Dick.
But who is she and where is she? I wouldn't know how to go about finding her.
So a short time later, Barbara Gordon receives several surprises.
A little toy penguin.
Oh, what a cute gadget.
And look, it winds up.
Oh, be careful, Myrtle.
Oh, be careful of a darling little thing like this? Whoa! Myrtle? Myrtle! NARRATOR".
And while Penguin's pusillanimous plot proceeds Barbara gets a second surprise.
Oh, thank you.
- Myrtle, are you all right? -I think so.
I only got a little whiff of that smoke, but it certainly made me dizzy.
You should lie down in the lounge.
I'll help you.
Never mind, Barbara, I can make it.
These diabolical tricks must be stopped.
- I'm gonna call my father.
-Oh, one moment.
I think this toy penguin has probably breathed its last poisonous breath.
And it's just possible that a certain live Penguin may be rendered equally useless.
Can we have a word together? NARRATOR".
And speaking of words This is a farce, Mr.
Wayne.
An unknown jockey on the horse that's the favorite? An unknown horse with that birdman on board.
And your own entry, which even the touts and tipsters haven't heard about yet.
I demand that the Wayne Foundation Memorial Handicap -be canceled this afternoon.
- Oh, you do? Yes, as racing secretary of this meet, I have a duty to owners, trainers, officials and track fans and myself.
Why, if there were any logical explanation for such a travesty if Batman, for instance, told me that this race must be run for a particular reason, well, that might be different.
But just to satisfy a stubborn whim of your own, Mr.
Wayne as honorable a man as I know you are And suppose Batman did tell you that the race must be run? I would have to hear it from him in person.
Hm.
A very capable man, the racing secretary.
Remind me to give him a bonus, Alfred.
You say you talked to Batgirl.
I did manage to convey your message, sir, yes.
Yes, would you convey a change of Bruce Wayne's clothing to the governor's suite at the Turf Club? -Yes, sir.
While Batman conveys a message to the racing secretary.
While an excited crowd awaits the running of the Wayne Foundation Memorial Handicap the racing secretary hears from Batman in person.
This race must be run.
When it's over, I'll tell you why.
And I'm sure Mr.
Wayne himself will make a public announcement.
Very well, Batman.
I still think it's a farce, but I'll bow to your judgment.
NARRATOR".
And Lola Lasagne meets her new jockey.
I wish you were Spanish.
Oh, you are Spanish.
Do you speak Spanish? Good, it's nice to have a Spanish-speaking jockey on a Spanish-speaking horse.
Ha, ha.
NARRATOR".
And Penguin smells a rat.
That jockey, you know who he looks like? Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne's ward.
What would Dick Grayson be doing as a saddle monkey, boss? One thing he'll be doing soon is eating my dust.
Ha, ha, ha.
Be a good girl, Parasol.
You know who that kid is up on that phony nag of yours? A darling Spanish boy.
I'm so glad you hijacked Wally Bootmaker.
He might have smelled a mouse.
I smell a mousetrap.
Did you put the bet down on Bumbershoot? I still have 10 minutes.
Faugh, get going.
Meet me outside the jockey room right after the race.
All right, ready? Never mind, I got it.
Ha, ha, ha.
The horses are coming on the track with the $100,000 Wayne Foundation Memorial Handicap.
One mile and one furlong.
NARRATOR".
But as the horses come out on the track, what's this? Waynebeau making his surprise appearance.
With a very surprising saddle monkey aboard.
Who's that riding your horse, Waynebeau, Mr.
Wayne? It looks like It is.
That new crime-fighter I've heard something about, Batgirl.
Why, this is getting more farcical by the moment.
Let's just say there's a touch of irony in it.
Well, Commissioner Gordon, Chief O'Hara, won't you join us? Batman called me.
He said something very interesting might turn up here this afternoon so, Chief O'Hara and I better be on our toes.
Good idea.
Come on, chief.
What is that third horse doing down there? A very late entry, madam.
I believe he's called Waynebeau.
Well, that looks like a girl riding it.
Doesn't it, though? - I better go make my bet.
-Yeah.
ANNOUNCER".
It is now post time.
I want one $10,000 ticket on number two, please.
Bumbershoot is not steady yet, not straight.
They're waiting on Bumbershoot.
He stretches.
The flag is up.
There they go.
Parasol is moving to the front Bumbershoot is second, Waynebeau is third.
Coming down the stretch the first time, it's Parasol in front by two lengths.
Bumbershoot is second, two and a half lengths.
Waynebeau on the inside.
Passing the stand the first time it's Parasol in front by two and a half lengths.
Bumbershoot is second by two lengths on the inside.
Waynebeau looking for racing room.
There goes Waynebeau up on the inside.
And Bumbershoot moves out.
Around the clubhouse turn, it's Bumbershoot on the outside in front and Waynebeau has moved up, but is in tight quarters.
And on the rail, Parasol.
Into the back stretch, it's Bumbershoot coming clear by four lengths.
On the inside, Parasol and Waynebeau.
It's Bumbershoot in front by two lengths and Parasol second and Waynebeau coming out.
Here comes Waynebeau moving to the outside.
And Waynebeau on the outside.
Here comes Waynebeau to Bumbershoot.
It's Bumbershoot still in front.
Holding on, on the outside, Waynebeau, and Parasol is third.
At the half mile, here's Bumbershoot in front.
Now here comes Waynebeau on the outside, is now coming in, taking the lead.
It's Waynebeau on the outside.
Parasol moving on the inside, but can't find room.
It's Waynebeau.
Waynebeau coming clear.
Bumbershoot is second, Parasol is far behind.
It's Waynebeau in front, Waynebeau on the inside and Bumbershoot again trying to challenge.
Parasol is third.
Waynebeau is looking for room, comes on out and comes to the leader.
It's Waynebeau coming clear.
It's Waynebeau now in front by one and Parasol is on the outside.
It's Waynebeau.
And now Bumbershoot again.
Waynebeau.
And Waynebeau is flying.
There goes Waynebeau flying away.
Waynebeau wins it easily.
Bumbershoot is second, Parasol is third.
Hold your tickets.
Please, hold all tickets until the result of the race has been declared official.
My word.
You may have a good-sized riot on your hands, Mr.
Wayne.
Almost everyone bet on Parasol.
Batman better have a good explanation too.
I'm sure he will.
It's a very dark day for racing in Gotham City, Mr.
Wayne.
Mr.
Wayne? Mr.
Wayne? I'll change, then we better make tracks.
Why? We haven't done anything wrong.
We haven't done anything right.
We just lost 10 grand.
And the paint is running faster than the horse did.
You can't go in there.
You're a woman.
No need to change clothes, Penguin.
They'll issue you a nice striped wardrobe where you're going.
Faugh.
Armband, Visor, bridle that filly.
Help, reserves! Reserves! Your odds haven't been too good this afternoon, Penguin.
But five men against one girl is ridiculous.
Oh, I'm enjoying this.
Don't bother.
No bother to return the many favors you've done for us, Batgirl.
Mash them! Well, Penguin, looks like your perfidious prank is up.
Perfidious? Faugh, I admit I fixed the race, but I fixed it so the best horse won.
Regardless of that, I'm sure that the results of the Handicap will be declared permanently unofficial.
And you'll be declared permanently incarcerated.
- You too, Lulu Schultz.
-Lulu Schultz? - I am Senora Lola Lasagne.
-Lasa-- Ha, ha.
In a penguin's tailfeather.
Ha, ha, ha.
- All right, come on, come on, let's go.
-You too.
Oh, yeah, thataway.
Batgirl, she's gone again.
Like spray.
Like a cloud.
Like lightning.
We should try to find her and thank her.
Mere thanks are empty words, Robin.
Whoever she is, wherever she goes, whatever she's after I think we'll be seeing more of her.
A little dusty, Barbara? Oh, hi, Daddy.
I was just trying to spruce up the Egyptology section of the library but the sands of time seemed to have pretty well buried it.
I was going to call you at your office, but I haven't had time.
I haven't been at the office, I've been at the races.
Races? The police commissioner? All in the line of duty, Barbara, and it paid off.
The Penguin and a female cohort tried to fix the Bruce Wayne Handicap but we fixed them.
So to celebrate, I thought I would take my favorite librarian out on the town tonight.
Your favorite librarian would love it.
Just let me freshen up a little bit.
What's the matter? King Tut.
I didn't expect to turn up a pharaoh in here.
Where did he go? Well, you can never tell about King Tut, my dear, but I better alert Batman.
You mean, a real arch-criminal has turned up here in the library? Well, part of him anyway.
He's a split personality.
A modern-day Yale professor some of the time.
And the rest of the time? A reincarnated Egyptian despot.
Old as the pyramids, wise as the sphinx.
- Oh, he sounds fascinating.
-Uh-uh.
No, darling, not fascinating.
He is fiendishly evil, the most dangerous kind of fraud.
I better get word to the dynamic duo.
NARRATOR".
So, King Tut has returned, but for what evil purpose? With what nefarious scheme? And what is he doing in this library? Watch the next episode for the awesome answer.