Bed of Roses (2008) s03e05 Episode Script
Cat Fight
Out! You rat.
Parasite! Dad.
Is he OK? Dad! Call an ambulance.
Dad, please.
Oh my God! Is he breathing? Can't we just bury the bloke? I'm thinking less of the dearly departed and more of the dearly beloved.
Yeah, Viv's right.
Sean didn't even know about Lionel's gambling.
He was trying to protect you.
No, he was trying to protect himself! Tell him how angry you are, how unfair this is, whatever you need to say, and then forgive him.
We all make mistakes.
That's what you used to say.
Should we go inside, make sure he's OK? No, no, just give him some time.
I just feel like we should do something.
You are.
ALL: To Lionel.
A truly shocking batting average.
To have and to hold from this day forth, for better, for worse, for richer - I do.
(Chuckles) Louisa, do you take Nick to be - I do.
There is an option here for six, where you would say, 'Nick, you are my beloved, you are my friend, do you take me to be your wife?' Your wife?! Do you - Stop it! What's option seven? Tandoori chicken.
And there is an option for you to write your own vows.
Which brings me to the final item on the agenda - counselling.
BOTH: Counselling? Counselling.
Well, I'm sure we don't need that one, Marg.
That's what they all say.
Here's a list of the local ones.
Is this a legal requirement? Yes, I'm required by law to recommend it as one in three marriages end in divorce.
Yeah, but hang on, shouldn't there be a wedding before there's a divorce? Yes, but at some point in every marriage issues come up that cause problems.
Have a think about it.
There is group counselling offered over in Sapphire, that may suit you better.
Thanks, Marg.
But if it ain't broke, there's nothing to fix.
(Theme music) £ I lay down in a bed of roses £ I woke up lying on a bed of nails £ It's the oldest of tales £ Lose the wind £ From your sails £ I lay down in a bed of roses £ I woke up lying on a bed of nails.
£ £ Doo dee da doo dee dum.
£ Now I call this one Bridge Over the Mainstreet Public Conveniences.
(Laughs) Oh, do you mind.
I was going through my abstract phase.
It's a rainbow.
That's definitely the ladies' loos in the main street.
Oh! Are these my baby teeth? Yeah.
Oh, you kept them.
So much for the tooth fairy.
That's dreadful old myth, blatantly encouraging children to become extortionists.
Oh and I think the box might be silver.
It might be good for the wedding, keep rings in it or something.
Oh.
Oh - you and Nick having problems? No.
Oh that's just Marg's counselling brochure.
Counselling from Marg? Marg the divorcee celebrant? She has to recommend it to all couples, but we're not going to do it, because we haven't got problems.
Then why were you up half the night Googling love doctor websites? Just keep it or throw it out as you like.
Wait a minute, what's all the rush? Well nothing, I'm just clearing out my life, getting rid of all the mess.
Oh I see, decluttering your only precious child from your life.
Oh I don't mind.
Don't be so silly.
Mum, you forgot your quiz.
How compatible are you and your lover? Very, very funny.
Ah! Oh my god.
Oh, it's a possum.
Oh no, it's dead.
It might not be.
Oh! No, poor little thing's alive.
Here, pick it up.
We'll take it to Deb.
Here bub, get around the other side.
Will you call Deb, Mum? Tell her we'll be there soon.
OK.
Put it down here.
Oh.
Right? Yep, puncture wounds.
Definitely the work of a cat.
We don't have a cat.
No, it'll be a feral from the national park.
There's hundreds in there, killing all the wildlife.
It's out of control.
That's terrible.
Well, the cat that did this didn't get to eat it last night.
What are you going to do? I'm going to have to put it down.
(Gasps) Oh no.
You hate possums, remember? Yeah, but only when they're in my roof, I mean This is why I've been lobbying the council for the past six months.
We need stricter regulations on cats.
What kind of regulations? The kind that'll have every cat lover in Rainbow's End sticking pins into a Deb doll once they hear me speak at tonight's public meeting.
The Echo shouldn't be making a big deal out of these proposed new laws.
It's all the excuse some of those extremist greenies need to start shooting cats and making hats out of them.
Bring it on.
The ferals in the national park are out of control.
It's not the only thing that's out of control.
I nearly got totalled by a feral last year.
I was riding my bike through the national park and this big black bugger comes straight over the top and I go straight over the top of my bike and I hit the ground and I look up and there he is and he's just looking me straight in the eyes.
And then he just took off.
I was OK.
Oh, speaking of big - that's a monster, that cat.
That's a pampered possum killer for sure.
(Laughs) Stop it, Louisa.
Sorry, Viv.
She won best desexed in show.
Sorry - best desexed? Strange thing to win a prize for, isn't it? Well, it's more strange to expect people to keep their cats locked inside the house all the time.
But you keep Iris locked in the house, don't you, Vivien? Iris is a prize-winning pure bred, Gavin.
Well, I agree with Vivien.
We have to be very careful how we cover this story.
As editor, you can't afford to show any bias.
Well, I'm not the one with the personal bias.
I'm just going to go to the meeting and cover it, alright? You're not going to the meeting like that? Settle down, Vivien.
Don't get yourself too excited.
Marty, talk to him.
And say what? That he looks like an old cauliflower wrapped in cling wrap? Come on, Viv.
Last chance to have Iris on the front cover.
Not on your nelly.
You may as well put a bullseye on her for the greenies.
Louie.
Hello.
Ah, don't tell me you found a socket set while you were spring cleaning that you decided to give to Nick? No, I found my old motorised tyre pumper.
Nick's putting a new valve in it.
Mmm, good.
I came to say that I have to work tonight, because the Echo's covering the meeting.
Oh, I'll be there.
Wouldn't miss that for quids.
I bet I know whose side you'll be on - Deb's.
Oh, do you? Well, when I was a little girl you wouldn't let me have a cat.
Now that is not true, because I gave you a fluffy white kitten for your eighth birthday.
Yes.
(Laughs) You gave me a stuffed toy Persian cat.
Actually I found that the other day.
Did you? Clearing out a box.
I was going to put it in a charity bag.
Oh, Mum - You don't want it, do you? OK.
Well, back to work.
See you, Minna.
So what's going on? Well, apparently I'm taking up too much space in my mother's life.
Ah.
Did she tell you we found an injured possum? Yeah.
She was fishing.
About what? Counselling.
Louie - we don't need counselling, do we? Well, one of us might.
(Laughs) I now pronounce us counselled.
Sean wouldn't have told you the big urn if he thought Mrs Thompson would fit the small one.
Yeah.
Can I just call you back? Thanks.
Sean, what are you doing? (Whirring noise) Yeah, I'm still here.
Sorry, what was that about the engraving? OK, that's another one for Sean.
I'll get him to call you, OK? Yeah, as soon as possible.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Bye.
Holly, get out of my way.
No.
What did the bank manager say? She painted a pretty black future.
Said I should declare bankruptcy and sell up for what I can.
Never got to tell Dad what I really wanted.
What do you want?? Go to art school.
Then do it.
Walk away.
Go to art school.
What about all the people that rely on me? All the pre-paid funerals? We'll work something out.
People have always been able to rely on Smithwick's.
Could you move, please? (Phone rings) Hello, Smithwick Funerals.
Hello, Mr Thompson.
Hi.
Hi, sweetheart.
You're not helping Sean today? What do I know about casket linings and bronze urns? I just don't think I can help him, not in the way he needs.
He's so angry.
I don't think there's anything rational about grief.
Remember when your dad died? Everybody reacts differently.
Yeah, I know.
He's not even eating properly though.
He's surrounded by death.
He's trying to deal with death.
It's unbearable.
(Crashing sound) (Cat screeches) A cat.
(Piano) Well, it's too small for a feral.
It'll have to be a stray.
You know, I'm worried about the reaction I'm going to get tonight.
People love their cats.
I wish they could stop them killing everything.
Well, don't worry, you've got Margo on your side.
Oh guys, here we are.
Marty.
Marty.
Hello.
Ladies.
Louisa's definitely got a cat hanging around her shack.
I'll have to borrow a trap.
Yep.
Well, I've got one in the car.
Remind me after the meeting, OK? OK.
Charity trivia night at the pub tomorrow night.
You are killing me.
Still wary about counselling? (Chuckles) Leave it out, Marg.
We may never get rid of feral cats from the national park, but we can start to make a difference.
So to summarise - One - compulsory desexing of domestic cats.
(Audience talks over each other) Two - compulsory confinement to owner's properties.
And three - the gradual phasing out of cat ownership within the shire of Indigo.
(Audience speaks all at once) Thank you, Gavin.
Thanks very much, Deb.
OK, has anybody else got anything they'd like to say? Anybody not want to say anything? Marg, could you put your hand up if you want to speak please? Alright, Vivien.
Thank you, Gavin.
I'm all about protecting the environment, Deb.
But we're on about educating people to be responsible cat owners Yeah! Yeah.
.
.
not passing laws that infringe on basic rights.
What about the rights of all the wildlife that gets slaughtered every year? Yes.
Yes.
And what about the kittens that get dumped outside our restaurant? Not good joke.
Order.
Settle down, please.
Just settle down.
No-one will be heard, just one at a time, please.
OK, one at time.
Gav.
Marty.
Oh, here we go.
Look, I think the problem is the ferals in the national park.
I think there should be a policy like a shooting policy or - That's not right.
Order.
Order, please.
Just hang on a minute.
Deb! Deb! I've been listening to everything you had to say.
You've never had a cat, have you? I've had farm cats.
Yeah, but not a pet cat.
You know - ones that are capable of friendship and companionship and are tactile and fall asleep in their owners' laps.
You've never had a cat like that.
Have you? No.
I know what a fantastic job you do looking after the wildlife, but we've got to look after people too and oftentimes cats are a better choice for therapy than a daily does of pill popping.
(Applause) Marg.
The cats are causing too much destruction.
They are killers, each and every one.
George Clooney never killed anything.
He did kill that baby rat and bring it inside.
That wasn't a little rat, it was an antechinus.
An anti-what? An antechinus.
A marsupial mouse.
And I bet you had lots of them around the house before you got George Clooney.
You never mentioned any of this before.
Well, I figured it was either George Clooney or our friendship.
If the council passes these ridiculous laws, it is my suggestion that the cat lovers of Rainbow's End refuse to pay their rate payments for the next five years.
(Applause and shouting) Alright.
Settle down everyone, please.
And what about our rights? Excuse me.
Hello.
I, ah, I know you've all got really strong opinions, but if you could have seen what a stray cat did to a possum on our doorstep this morning, you'd change your mind.
I'm not trying to take sides.
I just want to make that clear.
Oh, you've made that perfectly clear, Louisa.
So much for a fair go at the Echo.
Settle down please, just settle down.
OK, well, that brings the meeting to a close.
Minna will distribute the minutes of the meeting next week, so goodnight and good luck.
You were uncharacteristically quiet, Mum.
I was quite happy to sit back and watch democracy in action.
Yep.
That's all there is to it.
Mind you, the cat's going to be a bit stressed, so you want to throw an old towel over it - that should calm it down.
Maybe that's what we should have had at the meeting.
Come on.
You're not going to let a little cat fight get you down.
They just seem so opposed.
Yeah, that could affect the friendship.
Hey.
Maybe they need counselling.
(Laughs) OK, I'll set this up.
Oh no, no.
What? Not the trap.
Why? It's just too stressful, I - What? For who? For you or for the cat? Here, pussy, pussy, pussy.
(Laughs) (Dogs barking) (Cat yowls) (Cat meows) Gotcha.
(Cat meows) (Crashing and caterwauling) Ow! (Cat screeches) (Breaking glass) Woo-hoo, no whip and chair? No, he's quietened right down.
Oh, quiet enough to put in here? Nick! I just - we should give him a couple of days to see if he gets used to us.
Oh, well, Louie, I don't want you to get too attached.
Well, I'm not, but I don't even think he's a feral because he just sniffed my hand.
Ah - well, you're making good progress if you got close enough to figure out that it was a he and not a she Oh, I knew, because he, um, left the toilet seat up.
I don't leave the toilet seat up.
Yeah, I know.
It's weird.
Is that weird good or bad? No, it's weird good.
Oh, OK.
I gotta go.
OK.
6am? Yeah.
Some people have to work.
(Chuckles) See ya.
(Cat yowls) Hey, Nick.
Ah-ha, back to nature! See what you've been missing? What, stinging nettles on my bum? I would like to have a shower soon and wash my hair, or do I have to wait until it rains? Your mother's in no hurry to get rid of that cat and I'm sure Sean's clients won't mind that you didn't wash your hair.
Nick! Anyway, I'm not going to the funeral parlour today.
Well, how's Sean going to get on? (Sighs) I don't know.
He needs someone who can move bodies and lift caskets.
I can't - I'm not the right person for the job.
Yeah, but you're gonna be there for him, right? You're gonna support him.
I'm trying.
Good! As I said, a man can't get any better than a homecooked meal and freshly ironed shirts! (Laughs) You better rethink that if you're serious about marrying Mum! Bye.
Bye! 'Do you ever think, "If only he didn't -" insert a favourite annoyance - life would be perfect'? Cup of tea? Thank you, Gavin! (Clears throat) '.
.
wear lycra?' Yes.
Morning! Morning! I probably won't be here too long 'cause I got a bit of a bathroom problem, so I just, um, I'm going to do most of my work from home today.
Good idea, Louisa.
Leave the lynching mob to us.
Well, actually, Viv, last night made it even more important that we need to rise above our personal feelings here at The Echo and cover the story in a balanced way that serves the community.
Very well.
You're the editor, Louisa.
Yeah, and I do - I take full responsibility.
Oh, Marty, what happened to the feral cat photos? Yeah, I got one.
Had to stay up at the tip all night, but.
I thought I heard you tell Nick last night that you were off to some football fundraiser.
No.
Anyway, he's not the biggest one I've ever seen but he was pretty vicious, he chased me back to the car.
Really? Probably not happy about the fact that you took his collar off.
'Garfield Cootes'! Nor will be Mrs Cootes when she finds her rubbish bin has been up-ended.
Give me one night in the park and I'll get the shot.
Marty, we don't have time.
You need to look in all the animal shelters and the pound, OK? Ah, what about the cat that's been hanging round your place? I don't think it's there anymore, haven't seen it.
What about these? Who are they for - Nick? That was Holly's idea in case we do trap it - silly Hol.
Going a bit overboard, isn't it? Could be.
(Sizzling) Oh wow, that smells good! Can't say the same for that.
Know what I think? I think Sean Smithwick is a very, very lucky young man.
I do! Or you could have this.
Good luck! Thank you! (Shrieks) Mum? (Cat meows) Oh, hello! Wow! Can I touch it? Yeah.
Wow, come this side.
Hello! He likes us.
Hello, Puss.
Did I overcook it? No, no, it's great.
Do you need any shirts ironed? You can iron too? Let's just say I know more about ironing than I do about organising funerals.
Dad always said that by the time you learnt everything there was to know about the funeral business you'd be ready for a ride on the back of the hearse yourself.
(Laughs) Sean, you know I'll always be here for you.
Yeah.
But I can't work here.
I'm not the right person for the job.
Marg signed me up for bar work, and I'm going to start working at the Rainbow Inn again.
I need to start saving some serious money so I'm not still paying a student loan in 2050.
I thought your Mum was putting you through uni.
It's just something I want to do by myself.
(Phone rings) I gotta go.
Marg's teaching me how to pull a beer.
Bye.
Chicken Parma's sensational.
Really? Mmm.
No, it's great! Don't do that.
Hol, I don't wanna lose you.
You're not going to.
Puss, Puss, Puss, Puss.
Hello? Puss, Puss, Puss.
Puss.
(Knock at door) Hello? Hi, it's me, Deb - it's locked.
Ah, hang on! Hi.
Hi.
Look, I know you can't be seen to be biased so I've written it as a letter to the editor.
Can you have a look? You want me to look at it now? Yeah, if you could.
Look I start off a bit full on at the beginning, but it gets better.
(Keys hit the floor) I'll get them! What's that smell? Did you get that cat? Do you think there's more than one? Oh, I don't know.
There could probably be hundreds, I mean, you know Imagine that, you know.
I mean the pound would be chockers.
Yeah, except they keep them for a couple of weeks and then they have to put them down.
I thought you said they got them homes? Nah, you don't want to know what they do.
Really? What do they do? They kill them! How about I leave that with you and you call me when you've read it? Thanks for your support.
It's not easy.
That's OK.
Have you spoken to Marg? How are you guys? I don't know.
I feel really hurt.
It'll work out.
Thanks.
See you.
Bye.
Bye.
Are you an idiot? That's the way to get killed.
What were you thinking? Hello, hello! What am I doing, I hate cats! Oh - wow.
Viv! Gavin, if you were stranded on a desert island with only one animal as a companion what would you choose? A sheep, a dog, a snake or a camel? Well, you know, it'd have to be a cat.
If a cat wasn't an option.
Then a dog.
I thought as much.
Why, what animal would you choose? A camel, of course! I thought you'd know that.
Allow me.
Oh, thanks.
Good old-fashioned service.
Can you do me a favour and tell Nick? I'm trying to get him to take me on full time.
He isn't here again? Third time this week.
Oh, well, hope business is good enough.
I'll put that on the Louisa account.
I'll just give your windscreen a quick - Nick! Hello, Nick? I've got a confession about the cat.
You alright? Deb.
I'm just worried about Trev.
You know, he said he'd ring last night and he didn't.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
Yeah, just, just got a weird feeling.
You don't have weird feelings about Nick, do you? No.
Ah, except of course if you count a boat called Vicky.
Vicky? Who's Vicky? I don't know.
Ow! Oh, you bite! Does he bite? He does! Trevor had a truck called Bessie.
Yeah, people name their boats after all sorts of things.
It's not like there's anyone called Vicky in this town, is there? Except Tricky Vicky.
Who's Tricky Vicky? You know, Tricky Vicky, on Boundary Lane.
Louie, what are you doing? Oh, I'm, um, building acat run.
See? This'll go all the way over here until we get to the fence, and then it turns into an airwalk.
Airwalk? Yeah.
Look - I looked it up on the Internet.
And then all the way to the tree where it's trapped - so - cat can't get out while life can't get in.
Do you need a hand? Nah.
I'm good.
Are you sure you want the responsibility of looking after a cat? Well, cats are pretty straightforward.
At least you know where you stand with a cat.
Is there something else on your mind? Nup.
So, what do you think about the name 'Vicky' for a cat? I thought it was a boy.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what it is.
(Groans) Ow.
Look, give it here - I've got it.
I'm good.
No, give it here.
Nick, I've done the whole thing.
Just give it here.
I'm fine - Ah! See? Give it here.
Oh, Nick.
Honey, give it here.
Please.
I did it.
I've done it by myself! Nick.
Louie.
I did the whole thing by myself.
(Grunts) OK.
Be careful.
Yeah.
I'm good.
Oh! Crap.
Yep.
I'm good.
You're good.
Yep, I've got it.
Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
(Saw buzzes) Come on.
Oh crap.
Louie.
Hi.
Ta dum! It was supposed to be a surprise.
I was getting her seaworthy for us.
I knew you wanted to take a boat trip.
I thought we could do it on our honeymoon.
Oh.
Come here.
Um, she's 20 foot, six cylinder, It's got a stove, toilet, fold-out bed.
We could be out for ages.
Wow.
When you said boat, I er - I don't know - I pictured Queen Elizabeth, first class cabin, pool, deck games, quoits, wining dining, but you know - you said boat, you meant Boat.
She's fantastic.
It'll be fun.
It's a wonderful surprise, thank you.
So how long have you had her for? For a while.
Alright, well, um, trivia night - your car or mine? Uh, we'll take yours.
Oh, another door prize? No.
These are for you.
Thank you.
Louisa, no doubt I will get over this.
I am trying, but right now I find it extremely difficult to muster up any warm and fuzzy feelings for anybody who is hell bent on wiping out the entire cat population of Indigo.
Right.
Nick, could you disperse these please? Well, hope you're good at trivia, because I'm not.
Are we on the same team? I'm not sure whose team you're on anymore.
What was that all about? Well, I guess she didn't like the cat photo.
Where'd you get this? It was on the camera when I was looking for some footy photos.
You can keep that one.
I've got copies.
And the answer to the last question in round six - how many toes does an ostrich have on each foot? Two! Yes! So write your scores down, then bring them up to the podium please.
An emu has two.
Sorry.
How we doing? Ah, blue team are in the lead.
Not by much, I hope.
Last round - we can do this.
Alright, round seven.
Is everyone ready? In what year was the thylacine, otherwise known as the Tasmanian tiger, declared extinct? Another one for our wildlife expert.
I don't know all the answers.
But you do know about getting rid of pets.
Oh sorry, Freudian slip - I do mean pests.
The Tasmanian tiger wasn't a pest.
You tell that to sheep farmers.
Food's food when you're a wild animal.
Cats don't pick and choose, they eat everything.
Now come on you two, you'll spoil it for everyone.
Alright, we ready? Now question number two.
Cats are born hunters and killers.
So was the Tasmanian tiger.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
You are my best friends.
I understand you both have very strong opinions, but come on - you need to compromise, fond some balance.
Hear, hear.
In the nursery rhyme Sing a Song of Sixpence, what was that queen doing? Eating bread and honey! Mum! Nice one, Minna.
Hey, Nan.
Hi.
Congratulations on your win last night.
Thanks - who would have thought Aiden would have a mind like a steel trap for trivia.
Septic tank more likely.
How did he know how many squares of paper in a toilet roll? (Phone beeps) Oh, I've got to go - the hearse is blowing smoke rings.
Sean is having a meltdown.
Oh, dear.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Cat runs behind schedule.
See you.
Love you.
Bye.
Aren't you gorgeous, aren't you? Are you alright? Oh, yes.
I hope you're worth it.
Oh my heavens.
Ooh.
Now, as promised - you probably don't want it now you've got the real thing.
Oh, yes I do.
He's quite a nice animal.
Oh, Mum, how come I never had a cat when I was little? Too busy for pets.
Oh, come on.
We had dogs and geese and chooks.
They're all useful animals.
I see.
Doesn't have any use in Mum's life.
You know, I had a cat when I was small, but he had the killer instinct and used to hunt the native birds.
And one day my father was just back from the war and he went down to the river to fish and I was playing nearby with my sister and we heard this noise and my father was drowning the cat.
My sister and my sister - oh, my little sister was inconsolable.
You know, Louisa.
When your house gets burgled, it's not the useful things that you care about it's all those little personal things.
I've had some precious memories of you as a girl and that's why I've handed them onto you.
Oh.
Oh.
There.
Oh, darling.
(Exhaust bangs) Alright, kill it.
Could be the rings.
Mm-hm.
It may be the head gasket.
Mm-hm.
Aiden.
I've got this, OK? Cool.
I've got a funeral at one.
How long's it going to be off the road? Well, if it was the rings or the head gasket - crank it over - fortunately, it's not.
(Engine starts) Hallelujah.
Yeah.
Anything major that could have gone wrong with this car already has.
Look, Aiden, as I said before - I don't have enough work here to give you a full-time job.
Oh, come on.
You haven't seen me spread my wings.
I can make you coffee, starch your overalls.
You've got to love him, don't you? He's a man of many talents.
A photo of a cat and a dead possum? What's this going to do for the credibility of the Echo? Actually, Gavin, I think it'll give much more credibility to the Echo.
Pet or pest, day or night, black or white - it's our failure as humans to consider issues in shades of grey that cause conflict.
If the people of Rainbow's End can find solutions, so that our cats and our wildlife can exist in harmony, we'll be showing the world we can all live in peace.
Well said, Louisa.
Morning everyone.
We weren't going to take sides and now you swap sides.
What? I mocked up the front page like you told me and then showed them.
Well, don't expect me to back you up when the proverbial hits the fan.
The whole thing's ridiculous as far as I'm concerned.
The word ridiculous does not sit well in the mouth of a man wearing lycra.
Is everything OK between you and Gav? As a matter of fact, Louisa, our relationship is about to be terminated.
What, because of the lycra? No.
I hope you don't mind.
I printed off a copy.
The results confirmed what I suspected.
No relationship's perfect.
I'm not looking for Mr Perfect, Louisa.
I'm looking for a Mr Right.
It's going to be awkward with you and Gav working here.
Not necessarily.
Just leave it with me.
I can't believe you're taking a silly quiz to heart.
A score of two out of a possible 48 - of course I'm taking it to heart.
I think we should consider counselling.
Counselling? What on earth for? According to the quiz we only have two things in common and one of them is a love of cats.
Well, that's something.
You could call that a passion.
That was a passion for you and Marg and look how that ended.
That was different.
Marg and I were married.
You and I are not married, nor do we intend to get married.
But I thought - You thought what? I thought that was the other thing we had in common.
The only other thing.
Question 42.
Do you and your partner agree that matrimony is the best policy? Well, it's a shame you have to take it down again.
I thought you'd be pleased because you don't even like cats.
Well, actually, I do like cats, Louie, especially ones named Vicky.
OK.
Who is Vicky? Nobody.
At least not to me.
Oh, the girls said you don't name an entire boat after nobody.
I didn't name the boat.
That's what it was called when I bought it.
And apparently it's a complicated business, changing the name of a boat.
And it's bad luck.
Sorry.
(Laughs) Oh, how cute.
He's a possum killer.
And he's yours.
But he's yours.
No, he's not.
We live way too close to the national park.
I don't want to keep him locked in my house all day and, you've got to admit, there are serious design faults to my cat run.
Louisa's trying to say the cat will be much happier with you, Marg.
What's going on? Nothing.
You go to no end of trouble to get Deb and I in the same spot at the same time, with Minna here for back-up and you say nothing's going on.
Alright.
This is not about wildlife versus cats.
This is about us.
I mean, what's going on that we would let something like this come between our friendship, alright? You do get the cat, but there's a few conditions - three, to be exact.
The first one is - we do get him desexed.
The second is that we don't let him out at night.
No more unwanted kittens to go feral.
And possums can come out at night.
Plus you get something warm and snuggly to cuddle at night.
He is cute.
It's not everything you lobbied for, but something.
Look, Deb.
I told you the council would never agree to making the whole shire a cat-free zone.
People like us have to learn to compromise.
And what's the third condition? Well, that's the fun part.
You guys get to make up.
But I have to speak up about cats, otherwise there'll be no wildlife left.
I was - I was pretty dark myself that night.
It had been going through my head a lot lately that perhaps my only hope for a committed, loving, long-term relationship was going to be with a new cat.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Marg.
(Cat purrs) Good boy.
We are clearly not on the same wavelength.
I value our friendship, I just don't want to get married, that's all.
You can understand that, can't you? Yes, Gavin.
We can still see each other, I mean, I enjoy your company.
I don't think I can enjoy your company after this.
No? No.
So if you think you could manage the Echo without me, just you, Louisa and Marty - No.
If you could bear to stay with us, I promise to do everything in my power to make it as easy for you as possible.
All we can do is see how it goes.
I can't promise anything, Gavin.
Latte? Tea.
Slower.
Right.
Oi, take it easy.
Alright, not deaf.
First rule of undertaking, handle with care.
Now I know what they mean by dead weight.
How'd she cark it anyway - the old concrete shoes treatment? Somehow I don't think Mrs Postlethwaite had mafia connections.
Second rule - treat the deceased with respect.
Not like she's going to sue for damages.
This was your idea.
Hey, life in the midst of death and they don't come much livelier than Aiden.
Or cheaper.
Any more rules I should know about? Don't collapse this till we're in.
Yeah.
It's done with the pedal.
Aiden! Surprise! Oh, sorry.
Oh, Louie.
Oh, Nick.
That's so - you didn't have to change it.
I wanted to.
Just got to fix this.
No, no.
Don't fix it.
It doesn't have to be perfect.
Um, I brought champagne.
Probably should've brought a compass, would have been more useful.
You travel light.
Actually, I think I travel with a lot of baggage.
I'm sure we all do.
Between you and I we probably have enough emotional baggage to sink the Titanic.
The Titanic already sunk, Louie.
(Laughs) Marg gave me a passage that I could read to christen the boat and to ward off bad luck (clears throat).
Oh, all-powerful ruler of wind and wave, sea urchin and spray, we beseech you in your gracious benevolence to expunge and purge the name Vicky, who shall from this day forth be known to you and to all others as Louisa.
Well done.
Thank you.
Alright.
Cheers.
Cheers.
For the boat.
Whoa.
For the boat.
Wow.
Is this everything? I travel light.
Morning.
Morning.
Oh.
Well, you said you wanted my old stuff in the way.
Oh, sweetheart.
Where are we going to put this? I'm a funeral director, not a water carrier.
Please? Of course.
Thank you.
Why are you just giving up on them? I love these old trees, just like you do, but, Holly, they can't survive.
Can't you see this is not important to me? It is to me, doesn't that count? Hey, speaking of Frida, when is she turning up? A couple of days.
Should make it interesting for your Nan.
This may be our last chance, Minna.
Neither of us is getting any younger.
We're going in exactly the wrong direction according to the plan.
Well, the plan must be wrong.
This thing's got a life of its own.
Parasite! Dad.
Is he OK? Dad! Call an ambulance.
Dad, please.
Oh my God! Is he breathing? Can't we just bury the bloke? I'm thinking less of the dearly departed and more of the dearly beloved.
Yeah, Viv's right.
Sean didn't even know about Lionel's gambling.
He was trying to protect you.
No, he was trying to protect himself! Tell him how angry you are, how unfair this is, whatever you need to say, and then forgive him.
We all make mistakes.
That's what you used to say.
Should we go inside, make sure he's OK? No, no, just give him some time.
I just feel like we should do something.
You are.
ALL: To Lionel.
A truly shocking batting average.
To have and to hold from this day forth, for better, for worse, for richer - I do.
(Chuckles) Louisa, do you take Nick to be - I do.
There is an option here for six, where you would say, 'Nick, you are my beloved, you are my friend, do you take me to be your wife?' Your wife?! Do you - Stop it! What's option seven? Tandoori chicken.
And there is an option for you to write your own vows.
Which brings me to the final item on the agenda - counselling.
BOTH: Counselling? Counselling.
Well, I'm sure we don't need that one, Marg.
That's what they all say.
Here's a list of the local ones.
Is this a legal requirement? Yes, I'm required by law to recommend it as one in three marriages end in divorce.
Yeah, but hang on, shouldn't there be a wedding before there's a divorce? Yes, but at some point in every marriage issues come up that cause problems.
Have a think about it.
There is group counselling offered over in Sapphire, that may suit you better.
Thanks, Marg.
But if it ain't broke, there's nothing to fix.
(Theme music) £ I lay down in a bed of roses £ I woke up lying on a bed of nails £ It's the oldest of tales £ Lose the wind £ From your sails £ I lay down in a bed of roses £ I woke up lying on a bed of nails.
£ £ Doo dee da doo dee dum.
£ Now I call this one Bridge Over the Mainstreet Public Conveniences.
(Laughs) Oh, do you mind.
I was going through my abstract phase.
It's a rainbow.
That's definitely the ladies' loos in the main street.
Oh! Are these my baby teeth? Yeah.
Oh, you kept them.
So much for the tooth fairy.
That's dreadful old myth, blatantly encouraging children to become extortionists.
Oh and I think the box might be silver.
It might be good for the wedding, keep rings in it or something.
Oh.
Oh - you and Nick having problems? No.
Oh that's just Marg's counselling brochure.
Counselling from Marg? Marg the divorcee celebrant? She has to recommend it to all couples, but we're not going to do it, because we haven't got problems.
Then why were you up half the night Googling love doctor websites? Just keep it or throw it out as you like.
Wait a minute, what's all the rush? Well nothing, I'm just clearing out my life, getting rid of all the mess.
Oh I see, decluttering your only precious child from your life.
Oh I don't mind.
Don't be so silly.
Mum, you forgot your quiz.
How compatible are you and your lover? Very, very funny.
Ah! Oh my god.
Oh, it's a possum.
Oh no, it's dead.
It might not be.
Oh! No, poor little thing's alive.
Here, pick it up.
We'll take it to Deb.
Here bub, get around the other side.
Will you call Deb, Mum? Tell her we'll be there soon.
OK.
Put it down here.
Oh.
Right? Yep, puncture wounds.
Definitely the work of a cat.
We don't have a cat.
No, it'll be a feral from the national park.
There's hundreds in there, killing all the wildlife.
It's out of control.
That's terrible.
Well, the cat that did this didn't get to eat it last night.
What are you going to do? I'm going to have to put it down.
(Gasps) Oh no.
You hate possums, remember? Yeah, but only when they're in my roof, I mean This is why I've been lobbying the council for the past six months.
We need stricter regulations on cats.
What kind of regulations? The kind that'll have every cat lover in Rainbow's End sticking pins into a Deb doll once they hear me speak at tonight's public meeting.
The Echo shouldn't be making a big deal out of these proposed new laws.
It's all the excuse some of those extremist greenies need to start shooting cats and making hats out of them.
Bring it on.
The ferals in the national park are out of control.
It's not the only thing that's out of control.
I nearly got totalled by a feral last year.
I was riding my bike through the national park and this big black bugger comes straight over the top and I go straight over the top of my bike and I hit the ground and I look up and there he is and he's just looking me straight in the eyes.
And then he just took off.
I was OK.
Oh, speaking of big - that's a monster, that cat.
That's a pampered possum killer for sure.
(Laughs) Stop it, Louisa.
Sorry, Viv.
She won best desexed in show.
Sorry - best desexed? Strange thing to win a prize for, isn't it? Well, it's more strange to expect people to keep their cats locked inside the house all the time.
But you keep Iris locked in the house, don't you, Vivien? Iris is a prize-winning pure bred, Gavin.
Well, I agree with Vivien.
We have to be very careful how we cover this story.
As editor, you can't afford to show any bias.
Well, I'm not the one with the personal bias.
I'm just going to go to the meeting and cover it, alright? You're not going to the meeting like that? Settle down, Vivien.
Don't get yourself too excited.
Marty, talk to him.
And say what? That he looks like an old cauliflower wrapped in cling wrap? Come on, Viv.
Last chance to have Iris on the front cover.
Not on your nelly.
You may as well put a bullseye on her for the greenies.
Louie.
Hello.
Ah, don't tell me you found a socket set while you were spring cleaning that you decided to give to Nick? No, I found my old motorised tyre pumper.
Nick's putting a new valve in it.
Mmm, good.
I came to say that I have to work tonight, because the Echo's covering the meeting.
Oh, I'll be there.
Wouldn't miss that for quids.
I bet I know whose side you'll be on - Deb's.
Oh, do you? Well, when I was a little girl you wouldn't let me have a cat.
Now that is not true, because I gave you a fluffy white kitten for your eighth birthday.
Yes.
(Laughs) You gave me a stuffed toy Persian cat.
Actually I found that the other day.
Did you? Clearing out a box.
I was going to put it in a charity bag.
Oh, Mum - You don't want it, do you? OK.
Well, back to work.
See you, Minna.
So what's going on? Well, apparently I'm taking up too much space in my mother's life.
Ah.
Did she tell you we found an injured possum? Yeah.
She was fishing.
About what? Counselling.
Louie - we don't need counselling, do we? Well, one of us might.
(Laughs) I now pronounce us counselled.
Sean wouldn't have told you the big urn if he thought Mrs Thompson would fit the small one.
Yeah.
Can I just call you back? Thanks.
Sean, what are you doing? (Whirring noise) Yeah, I'm still here.
Sorry, what was that about the engraving? OK, that's another one for Sean.
I'll get him to call you, OK? Yeah, as soon as possible.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Bye.
Holly, get out of my way.
No.
What did the bank manager say? She painted a pretty black future.
Said I should declare bankruptcy and sell up for what I can.
Never got to tell Dad what I really wanted.
What do you want?? Go to art school.
Then do it.
Walk away.
Go to art school.
What about all the people that rely on me? All the pre-paid funerals? We'll work something out.
People have always been able to rely on Smithwick's.
Could you move, please? (Phone rings) Hello, Smithwick Funerals.
Hello, Mr Thompson.
Hi.
Hi, sweetheart.
You're not helping Sean today? What do I know about casket linings and bronze urns? I just don't think I can help him, not in the way he needs.
He's so angry.
I don't think there's anything rational about grief.
Remember when your dad died? Everybody reacts differently.
Yeah, I know.
He's not even eating properly though.
He's surrounded by death.
He's trying to deal with death.
It's unbearable.
(Crashing sound) (Cat screeches) A cat.
(Piano) Well, it's too small for a feral.
It'll have to be a stray.
You know, I'm worried about the reaction I'm going to get tonight.
People love their cats.
I wish they could stop them killing everything.
Well, don't worry, you've got Margo on your side.
Oh guys, here we are.
Marty.
Marty.
Hello.
Ladies.
Louisa's definitely got a cat hanging around her shack.
I'll have to borrow a trap.
Yep.
Well, I've got one in the car.
Remind me after the meeting, OK? OK.
Charity trivia night at the pub tomorrow night.
You are killing me.
Still wary about counselling? (Chuckles) Leave it out, Marg.
We may never get rid of feral cats from the national park, but we can start to make a difference.
So to summarise - One - compulsory desexing of domestic cats.
(Audience talks over each other) Two - compulsory confinement to owner's properties.
And three - the gradual phasing out of cat ownership within the shire of Indigo.
(Audience speaks all at once) Thank you, Gavin.
Thanks very much, Deb.
OK, has anybody else got anything they'd like to say? Anybody not want to say anything? Marg, could you put your hand up if you want to speak please? Alright, Vivien.
Thank you, Gavin.
I'm all about protecting the environment, Deb.
But we're on about educating people to be responsible cat owners Yeah! Yeah.
.
.
not passing laws that infringe on basic rights.
What about the rights of all the wildlife that gets slaughtered every year? Yes.
Yes.
And what about the kittens that get dumped outside our restaurant? Not good joke.
Order.
Settle down, please.
Just settle down.
No-one will be heard, just one at a time, please.
OK, one at time.
Gav.
Marty.
Oh, here we go.
Look, I think the problem is the ferals in the national park.
I think there should be a policy like a shooting policy or - That's not right.
Order.
Order, please.
Just hang on a minute.
Deb! Deb! I've been listening to everything you had to say.
You've never had a cat, have you? I've had farm cats.
Yeah, but not a pet cat.
You know - ones that are capable of friendship and companionship and are tactile and fall asleep in their owners' laps.
You've never had a cat like that.
Have you? No.
I know what a fantastic job you do looking after the wildlife, but we've got to look after people too and oftentimes cats are a better choice for therapy than a daily does of pill popping.
(Applause) Marg.
The cats are causing too much destruction.
They are killers, each and every one.
George Clooney never killed anything.
He did kill that baby rat and bring it inside.
That wasn't a little rat, it was an antechinus.
An anti-what? An antechinus.
A marsupial mouse.
And I bet you had lots of them around the house before you got George Clooney.
You never mentioned any of this before.
Well, I figured it was either George Clooney or our friendship.
If the council passes these ridiculous laws, it is my suggestion that the cat lovers of Rainbow's End refuse to pay their rate payments for the next five years.
(Applause and shouting) Alright.
Settle down everyone, please.
And what about our rights? Excuse me.
Hello.
I, ah, I know you've all got really strong opinions, but if you could have seen what a stray cat did to a possum on our doorstep this morning, you'd change your mind.
I'm not trying to take sides.
I just want to make that clear.
Oh, you've made that perfectly clear, Louisa.
So much for a fair go at the Echo.
Settle down please, just settle down.
OK, well, that brings the meeting to a close.
Minna will distribute the minutes of the meeting next week, so goodnight and good luck.
You were uncharacteristically quiet, Mum.
I was quite happy to sit back and watch democracy in action.
Yep.
That's all there is to it.
Mind you, the cat's going to be a bit stressed, so you want to throw an old towel over it - that should calm it down.
Maybe that's what we should have had at the meeting.
Come on.
You're not going to let a little cat fight get you down.
They just seem so opposed.
Yeah, that could affect the friendship.
Hey.
Maybe they need counselling.
(Laughs) OK, I'll set this up.
Oh no, no.
What? Not the trap.
Why? It's just too stressful, I - What? For who? For you or for the cat? Here, pussy, pussy, pussy.
(Laughs) (Dogs barking) (Cat yowls) (Cat meows) Gotcha.
(Cat meows) (Crashing and caterwauling) Ow! (Cat screeches) (Breaking glass) Woo-hoo, no whip and chair? No, he's quietened right down.
Oh, quiet enough to put in here? Nick! I just - we should give him a couple of days to see if he gets used to us.
Oh, well, Louie, I don't want you to get too attached.
Well, I'm not, but I don't even think he's a feral because he just sniffed my hand.
Ah - well, you're making good progress if you got close enough to figure out that it was a he and not a she Oh, I knew, because he, um, left the toilet seat up.
I don't leave the toilet seat up.
Yeah, I know.
It's weird.
Is that weird good or bad? No, it's weird good.
Oh, OK.
I gotta go.
OK.
6am? Yeah.
Some people have to work.
(Chuckles) See ya.
(Cat yowls) Hey, Nick.
Ah-ha, back to nature! See what you've been missing? What, stinging nettles on my bum? I would like to have a shower soon and wash my hair, or do I have to wait until it rains? Your mother's in no hurry to get rid of that cat and I'm sure Sean's clients won't mind that you didn't wash your hair.
Nick! Anyway, I'm not going to the funeral parlour today.
Well, how's Sean going to get on? (Sighs) I don't know.
He needs someone who can move bodies and lift caskets.
I can't - I'm not the right person for the job.
Yeah, but you're gonna be there for him, right? You're gonna support him.
I'm trying.
Good! As I said, a man can't get any better than a homecooked meal and freshly ironed shirts! (Laughs) You better rethink that if you're serious about marrying Mum! Bye.
Bye! 'Do you ever think, "If only he didn't -" insert a favourite annoyance - life would be perfect'? Cup of tea? Thank you, Gavin! (Clears throat) '.
.
wear lycra?' Yes.
Morning! Morning! I probably won't be here too long 'cause I got a bit of a bathroom problem, so I just, um, I'm going to do most of my work from home today.
Good idea, Louisa.
Leave the lynching mob to us.
Well, actually, Viv, last night made it even more important that we need to rise above our personal feelings here at The Echo and cover the story in a balanced way that serves the community.
Very well.
You're the editor, Louisa.
Yeah, and I do - I take full responsibility.
Oh, Marty, what happened to the feral cat photos? Yeah, I got one.
Had to stay up at the tip all night, but.
I thought I heard you tell Nick last night that you were off to some football fundraiser.
No.
Anyway, he's not the biggest one I've ever seen but he was pretty vicious, he chased me back to the car.
Really? Probably not happy about the fact that you took his collar off.
'Garfield Cootes'! Nor will be Mrs Cootes when she finds her rubbish bin has been up-ended.
Give me one night in the park and I'll get the shot.
Marty, we don't have time.
You need to look in all the animal shelters and the pound, OK? Ah, what about the cat that's been hanging round your place? I don't think it's there anymore, haven't seen it.
What about these? Who are they for - Nick? That was Holly's idea in case we do trap it - silly Hol.
Going a bit overboard, isn't it? Could be.
(Sizzling) Oh wow, that smells good! Can't say the same for that.
Know what I think? I think Sean Smithwick is a very, very lucky young man.
I do! Or you could have this.
Good luck! Thank you! (Shrieks) Mum? (Cat meows) Oh, hello! Wow! Can I touch it? Yeah.
Wow, come this side.
Hello! He likes us.
Hello, Puss.
Did I overcook it? No, no, it's great.
Do you need any shirts ironed? You can iron too? Let's just say I know more about ironing than I do about organising funerals.
Dad always said that by the time you learnt everything there was to know about the funeral business you'd be ready for a ride on the back of the hearse yourself.
(Laughs) Sean, you know I'll always be here for you.
Yeah.
But I can't work here.
I'm not the right person for the job.
Marg signed me up for bar work, and I'm going to start working at the Rainbow Inn again.
I need to start saving some serious money so I'm not still paying a student loan in 2050.
I thought your Mum was putting you through uni.
It's just something I want to do by myself.
(Phone rings) I gotta go.
Marg's teaching me how to pull a beer.
Bye.
Chicken Parma's sensational.
Really? Mmm.
No, it's great! Don't do that.
Hol, I don't wanna lose you.
You're not going to.
Puss, Puss, Puss, Puss.
Hello? Puss, Puss, Puss.
Puss.
(Knock at door) Hello? Hi, it's me, Deb - it's locked.
Ah, hang on! Hi.
Hi.
Look, I know you can't be seen to be biased so I've written it as a letter to the editor.
Can you have a look? You want me to look at it now? Yeah, if you could.
Look I start off a bit full on at the beginning, but it gets better.
(Keys hit the floor) I'll get them! What's that smell? Did you get that cat? Do you think there's more than one? Oh, I don't know.
There could probably be hundreds, I mean, you know Imagine that, you know.
I mean the pound would be chockers.
Yeah, except they keep them for a couple of weeks and then they have to put them down.
I thought you said they got them homes? Nah, you don't want to know what they do.
Really? What do they do? They kill them! How about I leave that with you and you call me when you've read it? Thanks for your support.
It's not easy.
That's OK.
Have you spoken to Marg? How are you guys? I don't know.
I feel really hurt.
It'll work out.
Thanks.
See you.
Bye.
Bye.
Are you an idiot? That's the way to get killed.
What were you thinking? Hello, hello! What am I doing, I hate cats! Oh - wow.
Viv! Gavin, if you were stranded on a desert island with only one animal as a companion what would you choose? A sheep, a dog, a snake or a camel? Well, you know, it'd have to be a cat.
If a cat wasn't an option.
Then a dog.
I thought as much.
Why, what animal would you choose? A camel, of course! I thought you'd know that.
Allow me.
Oh, thanks.
Good old-fashioned service.
Can you do me a favour and tell Nick? I'm trying to get him to take me on full time.
He isn't here again? Third time this week.
Oh, well, hope business is good enough.
I'll put that on the Louisa account.
I'll just give your windscreen a quick - Nick! Hello, Nick? I've got a confession about the cat.
You alright? Deb.
I'm just worried about Trev.
You know, he said he'd ring last night and he didn't.
Oh, I'm sure he will.
Yeah, just, just got a weird feeling.
You don't have weird feelings about Nick, do you? No.
Ah, except of course if you count a boat called Vicky.
Vicky? Who's Vicky? I don't know.
Ow! Oh, you bite! Does he bite? He does! Trevor had a truck called Bessie.
Yeah, people name their boats after all sorts of things.
It's not like there's anyone called Vicky in this town, is there? Except Tricky Vicky.
Who's Tricky Vicky? You know, Tricky Vicky, on Boundary Lane.
Louie, what are you doing? Oh, I'm, um, building acat run.
See? This'll go all the way over here until we get to the fence, and then it turns into an airwalk.
Airwalk? Yeah.
Look - I looked it up on the Internet.
And then all the way to the tree where it's trapped - so - cat can't get out while life can't get in.
Do you need a hand? Nah.
I'm good.
Are you sure you want the responsibility of looking after a cat? Well, cats are pretty straightforward.
At least you know where you stand with a cat.
Is there something else on your mind? Nup.
So, what do you think about the name 'Vicky' for a cat? I thought it was a boy.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what it is.
(Groans) Ow.
Look, give it here - I've got it.
I'm good.
No, give it here.
Nick, I've done the whole thing.
Just give it here.
I'm fine - Ah! See? Give it here.
Oh, Nick.
Honey, give it here.
Please.
I did it.
I've done it by myself! Nick.
Louie.
I did the whole thing by myself.
(Grunts) OK.
Be careful.
Yeah.
I'm good.
Oh! Crap.
Yep.
I'm good.
You're good.
Yep, I've got it.
Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
(Saw buzzes) Come on.
Oh crap.
Louie.
Hi.
Ta dum! It was supposed to be a surprise.
I was getting her seaworthy for us.
I knew you wanted to take a boat trip.
I thought we could do it on our honeymoon.
Oh.
Come here.
Um, she's 20 foot, six cylinder, It's got a stove, toilet, fold-out bed.
We could be out for ages.
Wow.
When you said boat, I er - I don't know - I pictured Queen Elizabeth, first class cabin, pool, deck games, quoits, wining dining, but you know - you said boat, you meant Boat.
She's fantastic.
It'll be fun.
It's a wonderful surprise, thank you.
So how long have you had her for? For a while.
Alright, well, um, trivia night - your car or mine? Uh, we'll take yours.
Oh, another door prize? No.
These are for you.
Thank you.
Louisa, no doubt I will get over this.
I am trying, but right now I find it extremely difficult to muster up any warm and fuzzy feelings for anybody who is hell bent on wiping out the entire cat population of Indigo.
Right.
Nick, could you disperse these please? Well, hope you're good at trivia, because I'm not.
Are we on the same team? I'm not sure whose team you're on anymore.
What was that all about? Well, I guess she didn't like the cat photo.
Where'd you get this? It was on the camera when I was looking for some footy photos.
You can keep that one.
I've got copies.
And the answer to the last question in round six - how many toes does an ostrich have on each foot? Two! Yes! So write your scores down, then bring them up to the podium please.
An emu has two.
Sorry.
How we doing? Ah, blue team are in the lead.
Not by much, I hope.
Last round - we can do this.
Alright, round seven.
Is everyone ready? In what year was the thylacine, otherwise known as the Tasmanian tiger, declared extinct? Another one for our wildlife expert.
I don't know all the answers.
But you do know about getting rid of pets.
Oh sorry, Freudian slip - I do mean pests.
The Tasmanian tiger wasn't a pest.
You tell that to sheep farmers.
Food's food when you're a wild animal.
Cats don't pick and choose, they eat everything.
Now come on you two, you'll spoil it for everyone.
Alright, we ready? Now question number two.
Cats are born hunters and killers.
So was the Tasmanian tiger.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
You are my best friends.
I understand you both have very strong opinions, but come on - you need to compromise, fond some balance.
Hear, hear.
In the nursery rhyme Sing a Song of Sixpence, what was that queen doing? Eating bread and honey! Mum! Nice one, Minna.
Hey, Nan.
Hi.
Congratulations on your win last night.
Thanks - who would have thought Aiden would have a mind like a steel trap for trivia.
Septic tank more likely.
How did he know how many squares of paper in a toilet roll? (Phone beeps) Oh, I've got to go - the hearse is blowing smoke rings.
Sean is having a meltdown.
Oh, dear.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Cat runs behind schedule.
See you.
Love you.
Bye.
Aren't you gorgeous, aren't you? Are you alright? Oh, yes.
I hope you're worth it.
Oh my heavens.
Ooh.
Now, as promised - you probably don't want it now you've got the real thing.
Oh, yes I do.
He's quite a nice animal.
Oh, Mum, how come I never had a cat when I was little? Too busy for pets.
Oh, come on.
We had dogs and geese and chooks.
They're all useful animals.
I see.
Doesn't have any use in Mum's life.
You know, I had a cat when I was small, but he had the killer instinct and used to hunt the native birds.
And one day my father was just back from the war and he went down to the river to fish and I was playing nearby with my sister and we heard this noise and my father was drowning the cat.
My sister and my sister - oh, my little sister was inconsolable.
You know, Louisa.
When your house gets burgled, it's not the useful things that you care about it's all those little personal things.
I've had some precious memories of you as a girl and that's why I've handed them onto you.
Oh.
Oh.
There.
Oh, darling.
(Exhaust bangs) Alright, kill it.
Could be the rings.
Mm-hm.
It may be the head gasket.
Mm-hm.
Aiden.
I've got this, OK? Cool.
I've got a funeral at one.
How long's it going to be off the road? Well, if it was the rings or the head gasket - crank it over - fortunately, it's not.
(Engine starts) Hallelujah.
Yeah.
Anything major that could have gone wrong with this car already has.
Look, Aiden, as I said before - I don't have enough work here to give you a full-time job.
Oh, come on.
You haven't seen me spread my wings.
I can make you coffee, starch your overalls.
You've got to love him, don't you? He's a man of many talents.
A photo of a cat and a dead possum? What's this going to do for the credibility of the Echo? Actually, Gavin, I think it'll give much more credibility to the Echo.
Pet or pest, day or night, black or white - it's our failure as humans to consider issues in shades of grey that cause conflict.
If the people of Rainbow's End can find solutions, so that our cats and our wildlife can exist in harmony, we'll be showing the world we can all live in peace.
Well said, Louisa.
Morning everyone.
We weren't going to take sides and now you swap sides.
What? I mocked up the front page like you told me and then showed them.
Well, don't expect me to back you up when the proverbial hits the fan.
The whole thing's ridiculous as far as I'm concerned.
The word ridiculous does not sit well in the mouth of a man wearing lycra.
Is everything OK between you and Gav? As a matter of fact, Louisa, our relationship is about to be terminated.
What, because of the lycra? No.
I hope you don't mind.
I printed off a copy.
The results confirmed what I suspected.
No relationship's perfect.
I'm not looking for Mr Perfect, Louisa.
I'm looking for a Mr Right.
It's going to be awkward with you and Gav working here.
Not necessarily.
Just leave it with me.
I can't believe you're taking a silly quiz to heart.
A score of two out of a possible 48 - of course I'm taking it to heart.
I think we should consider counselling.
Counselling? What on earth for? According to the quiz we only have two things in common and one of them is a love of cats.
Well, that's something.
You could call that a passion.
That was a passion for you and Marg and look how that ended.
That was different.
Marg and I were married.
You and I are not married, nor do we intend to get married.
But I thought - You thought what? I thought that was the other thing we had in common.
The only other thing.
Question 42.
Do you and your partner agree that matrimony is the best policy? Well, it's a shame you have to take it down again.
I thought you'd be pleased because you don't even like cats.
Well, actually, I do like cats, Louie, especially ones named Vicky.
OK.
Who is Vicky? Nobody.
At least not to me.
Oh, the girls said you don't name an entire boat after nobody.
I didn't name the boat.
That's what it was called when I bought it.
And apparently it's a complicated business, changing the name of a boat.
And it's bad luck.
Sorry.
(Laughs) Oh, how cute.
He's a possum killer.
And he's yours.
But he's yours.
No, he's not.
We live way too close to the national park.
I don't want to keep him locked in my house all day and, you've got to admit, there are serious design faults to my cat run.
Louisa's trying to say the cat will be much happier with you, Marg.
What's going on? Nothing.
You go to no end of trouble to get Deb and I in the same spot at the same time, with Minna here for back-up and you say nothing's going on.
Alright.
This is not about wildlife versus cats.
This is about us.
I mean, what's going on that we would let something like this come between our friendship, alright? You do get the cat, but there's a few conditions - three, to be exact.
The first one is - we do get him desexed.
The second is that we don't let him out at night.
No more unwanted kittens to go feral.
And possums can come out at night.
Plus you get something warm and snuggly to cuddle at night.
He is cute.
It's not everything you lobbied for, but something.
Look, Deb.
I told you the council would never agree to making the whole shire a cat-free zone.
People like us have to learn to compromise.
And what's the third condition? Well, that's the fun part.
You guys get to make up.
But I have to speak up about cats, otherwise there'll be no wildlife left.
I was - I was pretty dark myself that night.
It had been going through my head a lot lately that perhaps my only hope for a committed, loving, long-term relationship was going to be with a new cat.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Marg.
(Cat purrs) Good boy.
We are clearly not on the same wavelength.
I value our friendship, I just don't want to get married, that's all.
You can understand that, can't you? Yes, Gavin.
We can still see each other, I mean, I enjoy your company.
I don't think I can enjoy your company after this.
No? No.
So if you think you could manage the Echo without me, just you, Louisa and Marty - No.
If you could bear to stay with us, I promise to do everything in my power to make it as easy for you as possible.
All we can do is see how it goes.
I can't promise anything, Gavin.
Latte? Tea.
Slower.
Right.
Oi, take it easy.
Alright, not deaf.
First rule of undertaking, handle with care.
Now I know what they mean by dead weight.
How'd she cark it anyway - the old concrete shoes treatment? Somehow I don't think Mrs Postlethwaite had mafia connections.
Second rule - treat the deceased with respect.
Not like she's going to sue for damages.
This was your idea.
Hey, life in the midst of death and they don't come much livelier than Aiden.
Or cheaper.
Any more rules I should know about? Don't collapse this till we're in.
Yeah.
It's done with the pedal.
Aiden! Surprise! Oh, sorry.
Oh, Louie.
Oh, Nick.
That's so - you didn't have to change it.
I wanted to.
Just got to fix this.
No, no.
Don't fix it.
It doesn't have to be perfect.
Um, I brought champagne.
Probably should've brought a compass, would have been more useful.
You travel light.
Actually, I think I travel with a lot of baggage.
I'm sure we all do.
Between you and I we probably have enough emotional baggage to sink the Titanic.
The Titanic already sunk, Louie.
(Laughs) Marg gave me a passage that I could read to christen the boat and to ward off bad luck (clears throat).
Oh, all-powerful ruler of wind and wave, sea urchin and spray, we beseech you in your gracious benevolence to expunge and purge the name Vicky, who shall from this day forth be known to you and to all others as Louisa.
Well done.
Thank you.
Alright.
Cheers.
Cheers.
For the boat.
Whoa.
For the boat.
Wow.
Is this everything? I travel light.
Morning.
Morning.
Oh.
Well, you said you wanted my old stuff in the way.
Oh, sweetheart.
Where are we going to put this? I'm a funeral director, not a water carrier.
Please? Of course.
Thank you.
Why are you just giving up on them? I love these old trees, just like you do, but, Holly, they can't survive.
Can't you see this is not important to me? It is to me, doesn't that count? Hey, speaking of Frida, when is she turning up? A couple of days.
Should make it interesting for your Nan.
This may be our last chance, Minna.
Neither of us is getting any younger.
We're going in exactly the wrong direction according to the plan.
Well, the plan must be wrong.
This thing's got a life of its own.