Better Things (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

1 SAM: Really heavy.
This was, like, a monsoon of a period.
It lasted, like, over two weeks.
Sometimes, our ovaries they just get lazy.
Yeah, and I guess these are what you would call hot flashes.
I can't believe this is actually finally happening to me.
Also, plus, my ex-husband is repeatedly raping me every night.
Excuse me? In my dreams.
No, not dreams.
They're nightmares, in my nightmares.
U-Uh, I'm sorry, that, uh sounds awful.
Do you think it's, like, hormones? You think this is it? I mean, this has got to be it.
This is it, right? Well, we'll take your blood today and again in six months.
And if you don't get another period, then you will be in perimenopause.
We'll also check your FSH levels.
Below 20 is normal, above 30 is change of life.
This is normal.
You're degenerating.
Oh.
Thank you.
You're coming into your gland finale.
Like, the fireworks at the end of the Fourth of July.
Okay, yes.
Yes! I can't wait to have a full beard.
Or a soul patch.
(laughing): Okay, well.
Uh, let's have a look.
Please put your heels up in the stirrups.
(groans) Okay.
(exhales loudly) (faucet turns on) (faucet turns off) - Okay.
- (clears throat) Uh, could you please, uh, scoot down a little bit.
- Little bit further, please? - Okay.
(clears throat) I'm-I'm sorry to ask, but are you gonna put on gloves? Oh, yes, I am.
Um, I always do.
See? Right here.
- Okay, good.
(sharp exhale) - Got it.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to question your professionalism.
Does it, does it bother you that I asked you that? Nah, we're all good, Sam.
Okay, good.
Because, if you think about it, Dr.
Chen, there's just one thin layer of latex that is the difference between you examining me and you fingering me.
You know what I'm saying? Let's just try to relax.
Yeah.
Uh, wiggle your toes, please.
Why? It, uh, it helps to open you up down there.
(moans) MAN (quietly): First thing on your disclaimer (quietly): Entrants use this facility at their own risk.
Unsafe driving conditions can lead to injuries and/or death.
So please be aware - of the front two pedals - Hey, buddy.
Sorry to interrupt, but I Can you talk a little bit louder? - I can't hear you.
- FRANKIE: Mom.
Stop.
He's telling us important safety things.
We're about to operate dangerous machinery.
- We need to hear this.
- It's not important, Sam.
It's safety B.
S.
and legal disclaimers that would never hold up in court.
- (sighs) - Mom? Mom.
Can I have more quarters for air hockey? I gave you ten dollars.
You already spent it? Uh-huh, on the claw machine.
Can we have more? - And we want to play air hockey.
- Where's Pepper? She's over there playing at the pool table.
Okay.
- Okay? - Bye.
I love you.
T.
Y.
T.
Y.
T.
Y.
Okay, you're welcome.
Y.
W.
Please, continue.
So.
(quietly): Keep a three-yard distance between each kart - on the way, so if you get be - Buddy.
Bro, not to be an asshole, but I still can't hear you.
Not at all.
Listen, I know this probably isn't your dream job, but what you do here is important.
You provide a very important service, so we need to hear you.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Mom, do you want to ride the go-karts, or not? No, I really don't.
But I'm trying to give you guys a fun childhood and at the same time, to not die or get paralyzed.
- (spit three times) - All right, Mom, stop being so dramatic.
And you, sir, are the only thing that sits between my family and a horrible tragedy.
So please make your instructions clearer.
Sing out, Louise.
- Um, Ollivier.
- OLLIVIER: Oh.
- My name's Ollivier.
- FRANKIE: Oh, he's Ollivier.
- Oh.
- Ollivier.
- (chuckling) Oh.
- So funny, man.
- I'm Ollivier, as well.
- That's crazy, man.
Nice to meet you, Ollivier.
Right back at you, man.
Give us your instructions, Go-Kart Ollivier.
(chuckles softly) Um, entrants use this facility at their own risk.
Any unsafe driving conditions can lead to injuries and/or death.
There we have our first two pedals.
The green pedal is for acceleration, and the red pedal is for the brakes.
Yeah, turn here Turn it down and out Turn here I'll give you love without a doubt Turn here When I need some kissing Your true love is You got the wrong one.
Hey! Fun mom! I need someone to call my own Someone to love (laughing) Yes.
I'm a wheelman from way back.
Yes, I am.
(laughs) Fun, right? Hey, Mom, hot behind.
That will be I love you, Mom! Me, more! Come on, turn, now Yeah Turn here right now Need some loving I need your loving, babe.
- Shotgun.
- Duke, don't.
Don't try.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Getting in the car.
- Hey, no.
No.
Hey.
- Duke.
Duke.
No, get out.
- DUKE: What? What? - Hey! Stop.
Are you kidding me? - Out.
Out.
Are you coming home for dinner? Uh, I don't know.
DUKE: Why? This is unfair.
- Those are so sweet.
- FRANKIE: No, it's not unfair.
- Will you send me those? - Mm-hmm.
FRANKIE: You've been getting it all this time.
DUKE: Stop, stop! You got all last week, you got it.
- I will always get it, I'm older.
- SAM: Guys.
Listen, technically, you're too small to legally sit in the front seat.
- Shut up! - Enough.
- Mom could get arrested, you know.
- You're so rude! Hey! That's enough.
Be quiet.
Stop it.
- Hey! - Selfish! - I'm done.
- Super dramatic, Mom.
DUKE: So mean.
Oh.
(exhales) Okay, I tell you what.
You have one minute.
You can say anything you want to each other.
Anything.
You get it all out.
Say the worst things that pop into your head.
Anything.
And then it's over.
Okay? - Anything? - Anything.
For real, Mom? Like, bad words? Really bad words? Yep, no limit.
Cursing? We can curse? Yes, go for it.
But then it's over.
Okay? Let me see you fight.
You can really get it all out.
Just say all the bad things to each other.
One minute.
And, go.
- Bitch, fucking asshole.
- Little baby.
- Mommy's little perfect angel.
- Selfish, fishpussy psycho.
- Manipulative.
- Dick breath.
- Get everything you want.
- Shit licker.
- Manipulative, spoiled - Psycho.
Cock, douche sack, fuckface! Pedal to the metal What just happened? (laughter) - I'm dizzy.
- DUKE: Jew.
(laughter continues) Your mouth! - Oh, my God! - (laughing) - Duke! - No! Did she just say that? I'll wash out your mouth with soap.
- (laughter) - That's it.
(laughter) (laughing): No, Pepper, close your ears.
That's the worst thing.
Oh, my God.
Wash your mouth out with soap.
Oh, my God, I'm done.
I didn't know you knew those words! ALL: Tanti auguri, cara Lala - Tanti auguri a te.
- Happy birthday.
- What can this be? - It's called The Womanizer.
It, um, well, it sucks on your clit.
- Oy.
- (laughs) Sam, Sam.
- It's for your clit.
- I don't like it.
They did a study.
Half of all women orgasm within 60 seconds.
- What? 60 seconds? - 60 seconds.
- Excuse me.
- (laughter) I'm sorry it doesn't come attached to an actual living, breathing man, but they seem to be all off with 25-year-olds these days.
Oh, yeah.
That's because we've aged out of our men, like kids age out of the foster care system.
Facts on facts on facts on facts.
- (laughter) - That's it.
- Thank you.
- Double fist.
(laughter) Ooh.
Ooh.
What? I don't, I don't see a ring.
I don't have a ring.
- Who doesn't, even? - IDA: My husband is just boring.
He wasn't always boring.
He's boring.
And he talks and all I hear is (mumbling) White noise.
You're so lucky you got out, Sam.
- I am next, goddamm it.
I'm next! - (laughter) Hello, ladies.
Uh, so, tonight's special Oh, honey, hi, listen, no offense, but could we have him? 'Cause we never get to look at anything nice like that.
Come on, you get to fuck him, we just want - to play with him a little.
- Seems fair.
Buonasera, grazie.
Don't give me that look.
Did you see that look she I'll kill you, I'll kill you.
(laughter) Tonight I'm gonna do rails, I'm gonna fuck that waiter, and I'm gonna leave my husband.
It's all happening tonight, all happening.
Thank you.
MARCELLO: Buonasera, signorine.
ALL: Buonasera.
MARCELLO: Buonasera.
Da che parte dell'Italia vien? - Naples.
- Oh.
Come hai imparato a parlare cosi bene italiana? (laughs) Well, I spent summers in Avellino.
Hai visitato il Santuario di Montevergine? Of course.
I spent my 40th birthday in Avellino.
You are not 40.
- Um, yeah, I am 40.
(chuckles) - Not possible.
(whispers): Shut up.
Yes, look.
I got this necklace on my 40th birthday.
It's made from a 230-year-old Italian coin.
So pretty.
Marcello, you have them all to yourself.
This isn't fair.
You have to share.
I'll share.
Oh, my God.
When they do that, it makes me feel like we're in wheelchairs lined up outside the nursing home.
Just put a thin blanket over my legs - and point me towards the sun.
- Ugh.
- When did we start being that? - About ten years ago.
Yeah, and about 20 years ago, I would've believed them.
And then they would've tried to take us to a club after and most of us would've gotten laid.
Oh, me the most.
Me the most laid.
We're irrelevant.
- We're obsolete.
- We're disgusting.
Absolutely disgusting.
I have a belly and a beard and my period.
My stomach's trying to fuck my pussy.
(both laugh) You realize this is as good as we're ever gonna look, right? It's just gonna go downhill from here.
I know.
100%.
Can't wait, though.
(laughs) Yeah.
(laughter) This is a goal of life.
This was part of my flow chart.
And I am the sun and I set And the world (clears throat) Do you and Danny still do it every day? Well, in a word yes.
Sometimes more than once.
But do you guys pretend to-to, like, be other people, other people came over to the house, like, (deep voice): "Oh, hello.
Nice to meet you.
" (laughter) They were $379, it's real gold.
I love you.
All right, who wants to go to the bathroom? Anybody? Exactly.
(whispers): Don't you want to go to the bathroom? - No, I'm with Lala.
- You don't want to go No, I don't want to.
And the images answer, calling me back - Whoa! - Hi.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
I can't believe I even made it.
It's good to see you.
I'm glad you made it, too.
- I can't believe we're here.
- LALA: How's Randy? Oh, he's okay, but his dad is dying.
- BOTH: Oh - Yes.
Shitshow as usual.
I'm taking care of the boys alone and his mama.
Meanwhile, I'm supposed to get back to Thailand to finish the film.
Where in the hell is everybody else? - Bathroom.
- Yeah.
- Already? - LALA: Mm-hmm.
Oh, yes.
Mama blow.
At last.
Ladies, I gots to go.
(laughs) (laughter, cheering) I see you.
What's that for, huh? (cheering) This wild light - How's Tom? - He's good.
- And the twins? - I like one of them.
Hmm.
I like one of mine, too.
I'm not naming names.
Why did we put ourselves through all this? It's insane.
Nobody told me it was gonna be this hard.
I suffered through four years of IVF for this shit.
I could've spent the money on a house.
A big house.
Yeah.
But it's just so rewarding Yeah, right.
Not when Tionna's screaming "no" at me and telling me, "You're the meanest mom in the whole world," and nobody loves her.
Mm.
And Tom's passed out in the living room, and Essex just wants his attention, and I work the longest hours.
- You said mama blow? - Oh, listen, I know what I'm doing.
- Oh, I need a chair.
- Oh.
BOTH: We need a chair.
(indistinct chatter) In the world, this wild light (chatter continues) (laughter) I haven't had any surgery at all.
What? What are you looking at? - (laughter) - Just a little, little injection.
- ALL: Oh! - That's a Sicilian curse.
She put the mark on you.
She got the eye, the evil eye! Call it the fury.
- (speaking Italian) - (laughter) (indistinct chatter) (laughter, cheering) ALL (chanting): Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam (cheering) Mm-mm.
There's a wild light in the world.
- Come on.
You got to plank.
- (groans) - Like RBG.
- Oof.
I don't know if I can do this today, Ida.
What? It's the best thing for your hangover.
You'll feel better, honey, I promise.
Oh.
(sniffs) Oh, my.
The undercarriage smells.
What? Ramen.
The ramen noodle.
- (laughs): Ew oh, my God.
- I'm serious.
Oof.
Is that me? Or is that you? Honey, I'm chicken broth, but it smells like you've got a whole can of tuna shoved up there.
It's pretty strong, bro.
(sniffs) This is embarrassing.
Well, it's not a hygiene thing.
It's the fish oil I'm taking, for fertility.
Fish oil for fertility? Last night you were making plans to leave your husband.
That was Look, I had too much wine.
Your hand was up the waiter's shirt.
It most certainly was not.
(exhales) I'm sorry.
Your smell.
I'm gonna be sick.
(retching) Jesus, Mom.
Are you pregnant? Is that, is that even possible? Get out.
Get out.
Did you drink too much last night? I had two glasses of wine.
Bullshit, you always have more than two glasses.
That's just something moms say, "I only had two glasses," when they really had more like four, but they don't want their kids to think they're driving drunk.
- Get out of the room right now.
- I mean, you hit your head pretty hard the other day.
I mean, the-the-the contact, the way your head snapped forward.
I'm pretty sure you have whiplash.
Or maybe you're pregnant.
Am I gonna have a baby brother, Sam? - (exhales) - Anyway, you're sick from the whiplash.
I looked it up on WebMD.
Symptoms include nausea, headaches and dizziness.
What do you say when you get good medical advice? (sighs) You're welcome.
(birds chirping) (knocking on door) PHYLLIS: Sam? Sam girls? I'm so stupid, I've lost my key.
Sam? Hello? Someone? I've lo oh, it doesn't matter.
Okay.
Did you have a very salty fucking meal last night? Excuse me? A salty fucking meal.
Did you have one last night? Um, no.
Why? Well, your blood pressure is through the roof.
168/110.
Oh.
I don't want to put you on BP meds just yet, so, you know, we'll just keep an eye on it.
- Okay.
- Your intake form here says that you hurt yourself go-karting? What the fuck were you doing that for? I took my kids.
Come on.
Move your hair.
- Does that hurt? - Nah, it's just tender.
Relax.
Relax.
- Relax, come on.
- Okay.
Okay.
I think you have a muscle strain.
The soreness will go away in a few days, but, you know, go and see a fucking chiropractor if it keeps bothering you.
Now, what about this, uh, insomnia that you wrote down over here? I can't sleep.
And when I finally do get to sleep, I have nightmares that my ex-husband is repeatedly raping me.
What the fuck? Have you been under a lot of stress lately? I guess so.
I don't know.
Okay.
Well, you need to let some of that shit go.
Otherwise, it's gonna fucking kill you.
Okay? All of it.
Just let it go.
You know, your hang-ups, your fucking beefs, your past, your future, all of those fucking worries, all right? All of it.
Listen to me.
Listen.
Let it go.
This advice is gonna put years back on your life.
Okay, Dr.
Babu, but I think it's a little more complicated - than just letting it go.
- No, it fucking isn't.
Look, if you come to me complaining of a burning hand and you're holding a hot fucking iron, well, guess what I'm gonna say? "Let it fucking go"? Now you understand.
Well, there's a lot of it to let go of.
So what? Let it go.
First off, I took my daughter to college and she dropped out and moved back into the house.
- Fuck her.
- And then there's, uh, a mountain of mom shit that I have to get through every day.
What, errands? Who doesn't, huh? - Let it go.
- No.
No, errands are, like, groceries and going to the post office.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- The real mom stuff.
Soccer club sign-ups and dance classes and tutors and tuition payments and parent-teacher conferences and schools and camps that I have to get them into, and, and mean girl issues with my youngest at school and birth control with my oldest and cruelty from my middle daughter! And then there's my own mom, who is driving me nuts, and I'm pretty sure she has a mental something disorder and my middle daughter is hitting puberty hard.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I am definitely going through menopause, yet I still get my period and I have a beard and two mortgages, (voice breaking): so, yeah, Dr.
Babu, it's like, it's a lot, and some mornings, I just - Oh, my God.
- you know, lay in bed, in my room, and I stare at the ceiling and I just say I just can't do it anymore.
I just can't.
I just can't, I just can't, I can't, I can't.
(exhales) So, anyway, could you please just give me some Xanax or Ativans or Ambiens or something? Anything you think that'll help me get a full night's sleep, because that's what I really need, Birju.
I need a full night of sleep.
(sniffles) You're fucked up.
All right? You need to start taking care of your brain.
You know, shit like this is caused by gunic and doshic imbalances, which lead to a clouding of, uh, perception and a loss of understanding.
All right? Okay.
I want you to see that guy.
He's a psychotherapist.
- Hey.
Look, listen.
- (groans) At least four sessions with him, okay? And then I'll write you a script for sleeping meds.
- Deal? - Fine.
Oh, and also, do you want to get an HPV shot? There are hundreds of strains of HPV.
We have a vaccine against nine of them.
I'm sure you have all nine.
Uh - Yeah.
- Okay.
Good.
Great.
Feel better, and try to have a good fucking day.
- Okay.
- All right, I'll talk to you later.
You fucking, too.
BIRJU: Yeah.
My private dream Is my own Little dream Where you come into my arms Each night My private dream Is my sweet Heavenly dream.