Bizaardvark (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

1 (lively, loud voice): From beautiful downtown Malibu, it's time for everyone's favorite game: What Do Ya Know?? A game that answers the question, how well do you really know your roommates? For example, I can tell by the way Frankie is glaring at me right now, she wants me to stop using this voice immediately.
Just one game night without the voice, Paige.
Just one.
FRANKIE: Team Zane and Rodney, you're in the hot seat.
If the answers to my questions match what your partner already wrote down, you get a point.
Rodney, what is your favorite mode of transportation? Submarine.
- Submarine! - (bell dings) Zane, what is your favorite kind of sandwich? Submarine.
- Submarine! - (bell dings) BOTH: Tubby subies! Paige and Frankie, it's your turn.
Frankie, what's your biggest pet peeve? Oh, the unnecessarily dramatic way Paige flips over her answer cards.
I resent that, and yet, I wrote, uh the way I flip my answer cards.
(bell dings) Paige, what's your favorite color? Oh, gosh! That's a hard one.
I mean, sometimes, it's red, but I also like blue.
I guess today it's yellow, 'cause I'm in a yellow kind of mood.
Frankie, what did you write? Oh, gosh! That's a hard one.
I mean, sometimes, it's red, but I also like blue.
I guess today it's yellow because I'm in a yellow kind of mood.
(bell dings) ZANE: Team Amelia and Willow are up.
Amelia, what is your worst quality? My competitiveness.
- I wrote - Competitiveness! I said it first! (bell dings) Willow, what do you wanna be when you grow up? Happy and fulfilled.
I was close.
I wrote mermaid.
(buzzer drones) Willow, what is your favorite holiday? Earth Day.
Uh One sec.
- Irthday! - (buzzer drones) Cats.
- Dogs.
- (buzzer drones) North Dakota.
- South Dakota.
- (buzzer drones) Sunshine.
- Thunderstorms.
- (buzzer drones) (bell dings) (in a lively, loud voice): And that's our game, folks.
Zane and Rodney tie with Paige and Frankie for the win, and Willow and Amelia also played.
(lively, loud voice): Let's go to the kitchen and grab a snack.
You're right.
That is fun.
(sighs) Wow, Amelia.
You really don't know anything about that girl you're babysitting.
That's my sister.
Oh, that's why she's here all the time.
Wow! That's way worse.
(theme song playing) ALL: Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Hey, Bernie.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm filming something for my channel, Bernie Calls the Schotz.
- AMELIA: Bernie calls the Schotz - BERNIE: Hey, hey! - AMELIA: Bernie calls the Schotz - (song ends) I would've danced, but, you know, broken leg.
Mm.
I would've danced, but, you know, the not wanting to.
Oh! They're starting.
It's showtime.
Let's see what happens when these Vuuuglers try to make chocolate chip cookies without their chocolate chips.
Hmm.
Where'd the chips go? Oh, yeah.
This is the stuff.
Oh, well.
Let's just use cranberries.
ZANE AND RODNEY: Yay! Yeah, unintentionally made it healthier.
Bernie, what is happening? Oh, yeah, I made a couple changes to my channel.
It was getting pretty boring just doing the behind the scenes of the Vuuugle House thing, so I decided I needed a house villain to stir things up.
So, who's the villain? Me.
You? (scoffs) You? Villains are brilliant masterminds of evil.
You're a lot of things, Bernie Schotz, but you are definitely not a villain.
I can be a villain.
What makes you such an expert on villains? I watch every reality show there is.
In Big House with a Big Pool, right after I say Tonya is gonna betray Meredith at the pool, uh, she gonna get backstabbed by the pool.
- She gonna? - Oh, she gonna! I am always one step ahead of even the most hated reality show villains.
Okay, well, that doesn't really help me with my thing, so Or maybe it does.
What if I was your house villain? You know what, Frankie? You would be really good at that.
- Thanks.
- So, I'll definitely think about it.
Great.
Wait, what? You're gonna think about it? - I'm gonna.
- Oh, he gonna? Thanks for helping me organize this clothing drive, Willow.
It's so nice to finally have someone in the house who shares my passion for helping others.
Thanks.
I invited Zane and Rodney to join us, but they just wanted to play video games.
Kids! Am I right? Hey, guys! What are you doing? Hi, Meels! We're sorting these clothes into piles to donate to charity.
Wanna help? AMELIA (thinking): Ooh, this is my chance to hang out with Willow, get to know here better, maybe even bond.
(squeals excitedly) Just talking to the dolphins.
Oh! Tell Francesca I say hi.
Uh, okay.
(squealing) Francesca! Here.
You can help with this pile.
(gasps) Ooh, I bet after we do this, people will start calling us the Donating Duckworth Duo.
I like it, 'cause a lot of the words start with D.
Amelia, welcome to Donation Nation.
Population crustacean.
You're fun.
I am fun.
Hey, will you come help me with this? Okay, I guess I'll start sorting.
Hmm.
No.
No.
Ugh! No! Um, what are you doing? I'm separating the fashion dos from the fashion don'ts.
Amelia, clothing donations don't need to be fashionable.
I know, but come on.
Who wears flannel shirts? It's Frankie's.
I'm gonna go start loading up the van.
With my very cold arms.
(sighs) This was a lot of work.
I think we've earned ourselves a little sister break.
Mani-pedis? Actually, I'm gonna head out to the shelter.
Why? To bring them all these clothes.
We have to fold them and bring them? (sighs) Okay, I guess I'll go.
Um you know what? Don't worry about it.
Paige and I got this.
- What? - It's okay.
Maybe this just isn't your thing.
Oh, okay.
Have fun! I'll just be here (sighs) not bonding with my sister.
(sighs) Bernie, what is this? I'm the only house villain you need.
- Why are you holding auditions? - Hello, Miss Wong.
Please sign in, and we'll call you in a few minutes.
Okay, um, Zane and Rodney.
Okay, so you guys are auditioning as a team? Yes, sir.
We think two villains might cause more trouble than one.
Yep, the math checks out.
So, tell me why you two think you'd make great house villains.
Well, first, we have an awesome name.
BOTH: The Clock Boys! And we already have a catchphrase.
BOTH: It's bad o'clock somewhere! Wow! I'm very impressed.
You guys are exactly what I'm looking for.
What? You're seriously considering these two to be your house villains? Hey, Zane and Rodney came prepared.
They have their own catchphrase.
I mean, look at 'em.
They're children wearing boxes and alarm clocks.
Besides, a great reality show villain is nothing like a comic book villain.
Creating chaos and drama is a nuanced skill requiring years of experience messing with people's heads.
Frankie, there's no need to get worked up.
Oh, you mean like how Rodney said Zane gets worked up when he can't tie his own shoes? I can tie my own shoes! Not cool, dude! Whoa! Rodney, that hurt.
Don't explode at him like Bernie always says you do.
(screaming) I don't explode at people! And don't get me started on how Horse Face Guy relies on random props 'cause he has nothing interesting to say.
And that is how you villain a house.
- Wow! - Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Wow! She's just like Tonya from Big House with a Big Pool.
Wow.
Frankie, that That was amazing.
The part of the Vuuugle House villain is yours.
Oh! Aw, man! Thanks! It's just It's something I enjoy.
I need help.
Then you've come to the right place.
Please, have a seat.
Here's my card.
"Paige Olvera.
Emotional stuff.
It's my jam.
" Look, in the corner, there's a little jar of jam.
I ordered, like, a thousand of these.
This is the first time I'm giving one out.
(squeals excitedly) How can I help? Willow and I don't have anything in common anymore, and I'm afraid if we don't like any of the same stuff, we're never gonna be close again.
We can fix this.
You guys just need to find your thing.
- Oh, oh! How about we role-play? - Okay.
Um, we'll act out different scenarios until we find something you and Willow both like.
I'll play Willow.
You play you.
Ooh, I got the lead! Okay, so Willow loves gardening, and you love shopping.
Let's find where those things overlap.
Hi, I'm Willow.
Wanna garden with me, sis? Ew! Dirt! Gross! I'm gonna go shopping.
Uh, Amelia, it might be easier to find something you both like if you don't leave.
- Gotcha.
Let's try again.
- All right.
Wanna garden with me, sis? Ew! Dirt! Gross! I'm gonna go online shopping right here.
This is going great.
Okay, new scenario.
Um, I'm getting hungry.
Why don't I take you to my favorite vegan restaurant? Because I'm Willow, and I love animals.
Right, yeah.
I'll have the veggie sampler.
I'll have the steak.
It's a vegan restaurant.
Oh, right.
Uh I'll have the hummus with a side of steak.
Amelia, come on.
You're not even trying.
I am trying! This is pointless.
My sister and I, we're just too different now.
We're never gonna find our thing.
Amelia, wait! Hey, if you're not gonna use the card, can you at least give it back? I only ordered a thousand! Amelia! Come on.
You can't give up.
Did white jeans give up when everyone said they were out of fashion? Thank you for putting that into words I can relate to.
But I just don't think Willow and I will ever be as close as we once were.
Thank you, Paige, but I just need to be alone right now.
Okay, I understand.
(wind blowing) Oh, come on! Stupid tree.
This is why I never go outside! Ugh! I just did my nails, and this outfit is brand-new.
WILLOW: Amelia? Willow? Oh, my gosh! What are you doing up there? I'm righting a wrong.
I'm so proud of you.
I didn't know you cared about saving endangered trees.
Uh Yeah! Who doesn't? That's so cool! Can I save this tree with you? Wait.
Would you say that saving trees is your thing? I'm a woman of many things, but this is definitely one of them.
Well, then come on up, lil' sis, 'cause it's my thing too.
Look at us, saving nature.
It feels so good to make a difference.
Okay, well, this bark is sticky, time to get down.
Oh, Meels, I love your jokes.
But as you know, our work is just beginning.
We're not climbing down from here until the government agrees not to tear down this leafy goddess! Preach! Governments work really quickly, right? Ha! Where do you think we are, Canada? We could be up here for days, weeks, years.
Who knows? We may have to withstand extreme heat Uh-huh.
- extreme cold - Oh.
- no bathing - (cringing) potential spider attacks.
Oh, boy! Excuse me.
Get this straight, tree.
After I save you, I'm gonna destroy you.
(crickets chirring) No wonder they make cradles out of wood.
I feel like a baby in Mother Nature's arms.
Yep, who needs a king-sized bed when you've got (grunts) branches? Amelia, don't move.
There's something on your shoulder.
What is it? Dinner.
Seriously? Of course.
Bugs are full of protein.
Here.
You take the first one.
Uh, no, you.
- No, you.
- No, you.
- No, you.
No, you.
No, you.
- No, you.
No, you.
No, you.
No, you! Okay.
(crunching) Oh! (gagging) And to wash it down we can suck the dew right off the leaf.
Mmm! Mmm! It's like bubbly water, except the bubbles are dirt.
(phone ringing) Hey, Amelia.
Where are you? Hi, Paige.
We're in a tree! Yeah, we're keeping it from getting cut down, you know, because I love trees, just like Willow, and this is our thing.
Oh, I see.
You love trees.
I think it's so great that you're bonding with that tree, so you can have a better relationship with that tree.
Why is she talking slowly, an what's wrong with her eye? Uh, she has a bug in her eye.
It probably flew through the screen.
4G is the future.
Bye, Paige! Who's shining those lights? Malibu Action News Team, led by yours truly, Lou Scoopmaker.
You can't be serious! I know.
It's not my real name.
But my family recently started calling me by it, so that's a win, right? Yay! The local news media.
I would have preferred national coverage, but it's just great to get the word out there.
Oh, we're not here for this.
We're here to cover the big windstorm that's about to blow in.
They're expecting 40-mile-per-hour winds tonight.
- What? - Whoo-hoo! Sounds like we're gonna get a front-row seat to nature's fury.
A 40-mile-per-hour windstorm? Yep, you girls want some help getting down from there? - Yes, please.
- Nothing can pry us from this tree except the long arm of justice.
(whines) What she said! All right, girls, just hold on tight.
I'm gonna get my footage and get home.
Mommy hates it when I play in the wind.
Lou Scoopmaker, Malibu Action News, out! I can't believe I'm jealous of Lou Scoopmaker's life right now.
Hey, Bernie, I am so excited to get to work.
I already wrote out a bunch of villain stuff.
Frankie, shh! I'm filming.
The Clock Boys strike again! BOTH: It's bad o'clock somewhere! And cut! Great job, boys.
Nailed it.
Wait.
What is going on? Oh, yeah.
So, I thought about it more, and I decided to make Zane and Rodney the house villains.
- What? - Yeah.
I just think they're better.
They have cool costumes, and their catchphrase is really memorable.
It's somewhere in Clock Town! I mean, bad clocks are everywhere! I mean They said it 10 seconds ago, and you can't even remember it! You know, I'd love it if you were their sidekick, though.
Look, I made you a costume.
The F stands for The Follower.
Because after Zane and Rodney go somewhere, you always follow them.
Couldn't the F stand for Frankie? No, it has to stand for The Follower.
I trademarked it.
(growls) Bernie! Why did you let me get excited to be your villain and then take it from me? You played with my emotions and manipulated me.
That's right.
I did.
Because I'm the house villain.
- What? - You said I couldn't be a villain, so I made a plan to prove you wrong, and everybody was in on it.
- (laughing) - (wind howling) By the way, there's a windstorm.
Don't go outside.
Well, Bernie, I gotta admit.
I was wrong.
You are a great villain.
Yes, I am.
And now, all my viewers know it too.
Your camera is not on.
No, your camera is not on.
Saved it.
It's still not on.
(wind howling) It's like a hug from nature.
I can't feel my face! (screaming) I hate this stupid tree! I just wish they'd chop it down! What did you just say? Willow, I'm sorry, but I I don't wanna be up here.
I wanted us to have a thing, so I lied about wanting to save the tree.
(sighs) I understand if you're mad at me.
Amelia, do you remember a few years ago when I said how much I loved that scarf you covered in sequins? Duh! I remember vividly.
You begged me to wear it.
- I hated that thing.
- (gasping) I spent two days hot-gluing that scarf.
It won first place at the Amelia Fashion Awards.
Judge Amelia gave it five Amelias.
Why did you act like you liked it? 'Cause I knew how much it meant to you, so I lied to make you feel better.
Just like you lied to me about this tree.
Wow.
Thanks for going through all this for me, Meels.
It was worth it.
You know, I probably don't say this enough, but (spitting) Bug! Bug! Bug! I love you.
Well, I guess we can get down now.
No.
You know what? I'm gonna stay up here.
For you.
Really? You'd do that? As long as it takes, sis.
LOU SCOOPMAKER: Hello, girls! Lou Scoopmaker, Malibu Action News.
I got a hot tip from Fritz Oak at the Eco Desk.
Turns out, this tree is being cut down for a good reason.
It's infested with a fungus that could spread to other trees.
Ew! Fungus! Yeah, even I'm grossed out by that.
You're on your own, Stella.
And so, these brave sisters left this handsome reporter wondering, if two's a crowd, then maybe, tree's company.
(feedback squeals) Come on, Lou! You're never going national with this weak-sauce, amateur junk! I wish there was someone in this world who could help me with my many, many issues.
Paige Olvera, emotional consultant.
It's my jam.
Oh, look at that.
You put a jar of jam right on the card.
'Cause I get you out of a jam! Not bad, but you wanna turn quicker and make your voice deeper.
Out of a jam! Out of a jam! No, watch me.
Out of a jam! Out of a jam! - Out of a jam! - Out of a jam! Mustache.
Out of a jam! Out of a jam! - Out of a jam! - Out of a jam! - Out of a jam! - Out of a jam!