Black Jesus (2014) s03e05 Episode Script

1 That's what I'm sayin'.
I'd do me, I know I'd fuck it up.
Fuck, so it's [Squish.]
- Damn! - Damn, Boon.
You hit that mud dead, smack in the center like a bull's-eye.
Or better yet, bullshit, but either way, good shot.
- [Laughs.]
- Yeah, man, no thanks to you, man.
You're supposed to guard a nigga's steps.
Me? What do I got to do with where you plant your kicks at, Boon? - Come on, man.
- Jesus, you're Jesus.
You could easily give a nigga a heads up.
I know you got divine ability to see some bull like this before I step in some bull like this! Sorry, brah.
I'm just wore out, man.
You know, some days being Jesus takes a toll on your boy.
It's gettin' hard out here, man.
Folks are always in your ear.
They want to come up, and it's kickin' my ass, dude, and You kickin' them laces' asses, too, dawg.
[Laughs.]
Oh, yeah, you think this is funny, right? I hope that No, I pray this happens to you someday! Man, that's fucked up, Boon.
You know I don't wear no socks.
Think of what that'll do to my feet.
Man, get your ass out of here.
Boonie.
[Slo-mo.]
Boonie! [Slo-mo.]
Boonie!! [Slo-mo.]
What?! [Slo-mo squish.]
You two for two, dawg! [Laughs.]
Oh, damn! Even when you try to tell 'em, folks don't wanna hear the word.
[Laughing.]
Laughter is one of Pops' greatest gifts, Boon.
- Laugh a little bit.
- Whatever, man.
You're Jesus.
You don't get it.
See, you never really get hurt or Shit, that crucifixion shit hurt like a motherfucker.
You're crazy.
Heh.
Hey.
I'm just sayin', man, if I had your powers, I'd be so straight.
So, you think what I do is easy? Pulling weeds in the Garden of Eden? Fluffin' angels' wings? Who you think carved out the stone tablets before Moses got his hands on 'em? Or Or who you think mopped up that flood? Mexicans, right? I'm serious, Boon! Stop playin', man! I'm telling you, y'all humans is straight drama, dawg.
This ain't easy, Boon.
Well, how hard can it be? Blam! You're healed.
Blam! Extra wine.
Blam! Your pet ostrich got a female vagina.
Oh, so you think you can do better? Pfft! With my eyes closed.
Tsk.
- [Choir music plays.]
- Pops, please forgive Boonie for he know not what he talkin' about.
Well, let him have it one time so we can show him.
Please, Lord, please.
Let me have that day off and give this dude this lesson he so very badly needs, Lord.
Can he have it? For real? Thanks, Pops! Yep.
Pops say it's cool.
He got your back.
Bam! You got my power.
- [Funk music plays.]
- [Laughing.]
What the fuck? [Laughs.]
Oh! [Laughing.]
I got the J.
C.
perm! Hey, do this thing need any chemicals for upkeep or for anything like that? Nope.
Just an occasional hot comb.
But you got the power, though, pimp.
Ha-ha! Hey, well, can I do a miracle? - How about levitation? - No.
No levitating, Boon.
That's too advanced.
You gotta slow down, pimp.
Oh, man.
See, I knew you wasn't serious.
Man, I ain't gonna give you nothing that you can't handle.
Matter of fact, go ahead and levitate.
Just go on Concentrate, brah.
[Laughs.]
[Grunting.]
Boon.
Is you tryin' to float or take a shit, man? Relax, brah! Alright.
Oh, yeah! Oh, whoa! Baby, you not just beautiful, you Viagra-ful! Ah, ha ha ha! Yeah! I love it! No, no, no, that's a negative! No carnal lustin' for you, bro.
No, I don't wanna go! - No! Oh, God.
Oh, man.
- Nah, Boon.
We gotta limit your powers, brah.
That bitch was thick.
No levitation.
Oh, well, hey, can I just No walking on water! Oh, sh Well, at least they clean.
I got a couple of guidelines to rundown to you, too, Boon.
Do not raise the dead.
Please, no raising the dead, brah.
You mess that up you have a zombie apocalypse in the city.
And no smiting and no plagues.
Leave all the vengeance to pops, a'ight? It's mine, so sayeth the Lord.
Also, one more very important thing, Boon no sex with Rihanna.
Aw, man! Can a brother have a dream? No! 'Cause I know for a fact she ain't fucking with you! A'ight.
Fuck it.
It's off the list.
A'ight.
Enjoy your day, pimp.
Oh! And since I can't give you me and Pops' special father-son psychic connection, he told me to tell you to make sure you keep your phone on you so he can get ahold of you if he needs you, a'ight? Oh, man! I ain't had no service in weeks! And even if I did, I don't know where it's at.
Don't even trip, pimp.
You know Pops works in mysterious ways.
[Cellphone ringing.]
Where did Boonie's broke ass get the money to turn this phone back on? Boonie: Alright, Boons, you've got the power.
Let's do this.
Alright.
God! [chuckles.]
Pops! Ha! Whatever! Ha! Your boy right here Boonie.
I'm gonna request ha! I pray ha! I wish ha! For some money! Goddamn it, right now, God! Yeah.
Oh, this is bomb! Glory, glory Glory, glory Bring it to Boonie.
Glory to the King Glory to the King Miss Calle Reynolds? Yes? You just won the jumbo-supreme sweepstakes grand prize of $10 million! - [Screams.]
- This is bullshit! God Thank you, Jesus! My check! My check! My check! Fuck that! Good job, Boonie! Way to boss their life up, pimp! Man, you ain't had to give 'em all that money.
They would've happy with some beans and horchata juice.
- [Humming.]
- [Knocking on door.]
One second.
[Chuckles.]
Holy Jesus! What's poppin', Lloyd? W-W-What's happening? Well, I never seen the Lord, my God, buck naked before! Lloyd, only those with the stain of sin feel embarrassment and shame at the sight of what God has created to be a state of natural perfection.
Well, whatever.
I came by to pray for a favor.
Uh That's a negative, Lloyd.
We talked about this already.
I can't make you a drunk again.
I got some stuff to do.
No, no, no, no, no! You're supposed to answer prayers.
I'm praying for you to help me fix my water pipe.
- Pray to Boonie.
- Who? Boonie.
Pray to Boonie.
- Boonie? - Yeah, pray to Boonie.
I gave him my powers so he can learn a little responsibility.
You know, just let the boy do something a little different.
Boonie: Must be a trick to it.
Maybe if I don't ask for money, but something more personal.
Yeah! Hey, God! Hey, what I really want is a dope-ass Oh.
Forgive me for saying "ass," heavenly father, but if if I could really sing You made me sober and gave that fool some holy powers? Oh! Shit! I wanna I wanna fly! Look at it! Put some drawers on.
[Coughing.]
Oh.
Oh, beautiful Ohh, spacious sky Oh, amber rays of grain Damn, I can sing! You know, I've always wanted to sing.
Don't think that this gonna take the place of me not getting lit off a bottle of Darby.
Don't work that way.
Thanks for nothing.
Black Jesus: Don't thank me for nothing.
Thank Boonie.
Jesus.
7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, too Boonie! Thank you.
Love the hair.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, that sounds good.
La-la-la-la-la la la-la-la la laaa La-la How do you control this? You said you can do a better job.
Go on, handle that there, pimp.
[Laughs.]
Hey! - [Squish.]
- You go to Hell.
Man, seems like the trick is to get away from other greedy motherfuckers.
Now, listen, we gonna get our wires crossed.
Yeah, that's what's up.
Okay, God, I see what's happening.
I'm wishing for too much material stuff, right? I feel you.
I feel you.
A'ight, let's keep it 100, God.
What I want is that one-true love.
You know, that "Superbad video" woman.
That special lady! Boon! Oh, my God.
Well, that didn't work.
What ain't working is this situation.
Where you get fucking money to get your phone turned back on? I didn't! Why you got on that ratchet-ass, 1975 Isley Brothers, "Fight the Power That Be" weave? I don't! And why you buy Boonlinka a PlayStation and a 50-inch-screen TV? It don't make no damn sense.
She plays with doll babies, Boonie.
See, I wouldn't buy her that.
That was for me! So, not only are you not paying child support, you runnin' illegal scams to buy stuff for yourself?! Hey, look, I'm not doing nothing like that.
It's just Jesus hooked me up with his powers, Link.
All that stuff was miracles.
It's just, every time I wish for something, it goes to somebody else.
Matter of fact, how did you even find me? I don't know how I found you in my life fucking period.
See? That was kind of fucked up divine intervention.
I ain't lookin' for your ass! And take off this fake-ass weave! - Feel it.
- I'm feeling this shit.
Oh, my God.
It is like real hair.
The thing that's trippin' me out is it growin' out your natural, black-ass head.
I told you! Last time I felt hair this smooth it was when I was messing with this Japanese dude.
His shit real smooth and silky.
You didn't fuck to get no orange chicken, did you? No, I ain't fucked to get no orange chicken.
I fucked to get child support! So, don't worry about it.
I gotta go find Jesus so I can tell him to take these powers back before you do something stupid, like give Stevie Wonder his sight back.
Stevie don't want to see this shit! He been doin' just fine with his eyes closed.
Look, Link! Link! [Clown horn text notification.]
No, you can't have a pony, little boy.
What was that? Teach you how to drive a stick? These prayer requests gettin' on my nerve.
Dude, your wife already know! Man, I've got to get Boy, I've got to get out of here That is him.
- Alright.
Alright.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- Let's do this.
Jesus! You did done some stupid shit now.
But givin' Boonie any kind of power beyond havin' his own house key is trouble waiting to happen, and I can tell you that right now.
Boonie needed to learn that being the son of God ain't all fun and games, you know what I'm talkin' about? It's hard for Boonie to learn anything.
[Laughs.]
Whatcha You all dressed up? I see you got on new robes.
What is this? You look like you tryin' to take a skip day.
Even Pops took the seventh day off to rest.
Jesus, it's Wednesday.
How are you Jesus and don't even know how many days of the week it is? Look, Link, I just want a day for myself.
Can I chill? Can I do me one time? No prayers, no laying of hands, no miracles.
But you can't do that.
You're the son of God.
Uh yeah.
But, uh, if you'll excuse me, Shalinka.
Oswaldo? What's happening, pimp? Shalinka: Oh, Okay! I see! Alright, I see what is now.
A cab rollin' through picking your black ass up! In Compton?! I thought we weren't doing no miracles, Jesus! - [Clown horn text notification.]
- Will it ever stop? Hello? No, I'm filling in for him.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Hey, well, if you ain't got insurance, you're screwed.
Oh, really? Well, you can't fuck me 'cause I'm a divine being.
[Clown horn text notification.]
Hey, man, the morning-after pill don't work the weekend after.
- Enjoy your new family.
- [Clown horn text notification.]
Hello? Hey, well, me, myself, I prefer lambskin, but don't take ginseng 'cause it'll seep through.
[Clown horn text notification.]
Hel Man, that nigga's show been sold out for weeks, man! No! Even God couldn't get tickets.
Come on, man! Let me go! I didn't do nothing, man! Hey! Yeah, I loved Prince, too, man, but I can't raise him from the dead.
Maybe if he was't cremated.
These motherfuckers will leave me the fuck alone! Goddamn.
There you go.
Not gonna arrest me? No.
We just decided to leave you the fuck alone.
Can't explain it, but that's what's up.
- You want a beer? - Hell, no.
Fuck.
Beer's on the house.
This is just ridiculous.
Man, they ain't never let me go like that.
- Yeah.
There go that chunky - Either I owe them some money or them yoga bitches sent the toenail mob after me.
I'm not sticking around here, goddamn it.
Man: Hey, come on, man.
That's him.
Hey! [Whoosh!.]
Come on, come on.
- [Tinkling.]
- Welcome, Jesus.
[Tinkling.]
[Chuckles.]
- Young Lil: Jesus.
- Young Lil! Oh, I know that ain't my Lord and savior, Jesus! - What's happening', pimp, Young Lil? - Oh! Ha ha! What up, boy? Oh! It's been a minute, man.
Yes, it has.
You're lookin' good! Hey, man, I appreciate thank you.
Thanks.
Hey, look, you see the crib? You see how I'm livin' now, right? Yeah, man, this is fly.
Oh, man.
You know what you should call it? What? "Heavenly Estates.
" Ah! Now, see, you just blessed me again! Oh! Yo, come on.
Come inside, man.
I got Jesus in the house, y'all! This is player paradise.
And that rug, though.
I got that from Chile.
When you go down there, pimp? No, no, no, not from South America.
- From TLC.
- Oh, oh.
She's so pretty! - And in great shape.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
[Gasps.]
I-I knew you I knew you was gonna do that! I knew you was gonna do that! Man, that's a baller-ass portrait of your boy, man! I'm so flattered, man.
Thank you! You know I'm your biggest fan, right? Brah, brah.
And I know you got one of the biggest portraits out here, man.
You know what I'm talkin' about? And this crib! Oh, my God, man! This crib make the Garden of Eden look like a little old flower bed.
S-Seriously? No, I'm just kidding.
You know the Garden of Eden is dope! You ain't ever been there, brah? I'm talking about Man, there's nooks and crannies - I ain't even seen up in that joint.
- Really? - Pops hooked that up.
It's fly, man.
- Really?! You know, but let it be known that my boy Tyrone Bentley Davis aka Young Lil got one of the flyest cribs in the land, pimp! All because of you and your pops, man.
- Hey.
You blessed.
- I prayed for this.
I prayed for this all of this! I prayed.
[Wheezing.]
[Doorbell rings.]
Hold up, wait, wait, wait.
What's up, party people? Crowd: Jesus! Ah-ha-ha-ha! What up, boy? What's up, man? Yeah, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get a haircut, boy.
Hey, Young Lil, you know I'm lovin' all this love, right? Man: Hey! Hey! Stop! Hey! - Where you goin'? - Hold up.
Hey, stop! Come here! Hey! Come here! Say Ho-sanna sanna Ho-sanna sanna Ho! Ho-sanna sanna Ho-sanna sanna Ho! When Jesus make it rain then the green shit grow When Jesus make it rain then the green shit grow If you down with the spirit, get your ass on the floor If you down with the spirit, get your ass on the floor Watch Jesus bust a move that you never seen before Watch Jesus bust a move that you never seen before Go Go Jesus! It's your birthday! Go Jesus! It's your birthday! Go Jesus! It's your birthday! Go Jesus! It's your birthday! It is not this nigga's birthday! It ain't his birthday.
What the hell are you doing? I'm chillin' with my loved ones and kinfolk, you know what I'm sayin'? - Enjoyin' my day off! - Man: That's right! Hey, why don't you have some sangria? Hey, Quan, let her smoke yours.
Jesus, I ain't come here for this shit, but I will save this for later.
It look like that good, so I will save it for later.
But, Jesus, giving Boonie heavenly powers is like giving a damn a racist some white sheets to make a bed.
That ain't ever gonna work out the way you expect.
It's all good.
We got this handled, you know what I mean? And besides, how you find me anyway? You in my heart for one, but it's everywhere! How you this out of touch and you Jesus? It's on Instragram, Snapchat, BlackPlanet, Facebook.
My grandmama even saw it on Myspace.
Look, I don't care what you say, there's too much going on for you to be out here partying! "Go Jesus, it's your birthday".
Really? Shalinka, you really tripping.
I got this.
You see me? I'm lookin' fly.
My hair's whip.
I'm dancin', I'm chillin', I'm spreadin' love.
I'm sure if Pops thought I was out of control, - he would've let me know.
- Man: Yeah, man.
- You want me kickin' it? Can I kick it? - Woman: Yeah! Amazing grace [Crowd gasps.]
How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me [Tinkling.]
Alright, Pops.
I got you.
I'm on my way.
God! That shit is amazing! Yeah, that that that might be a sign.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, let's go and pack this shit up.
Um yeah, everybody, y'all can go home.
Hey, why you runnin'? Why you Why you runnin'? That's right.
Door's gonna keep closin' in your life, fool.
What? Aw.
[Grunting.]
[Wheezing.]
Yeah.
Man, why you trippin'? What's up? What you 'posed to be? Fillin' in for Jesus? - No, I'm - No, fuck that.
Don't lie, motherfucker.
We went to the park, and we waited on you.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Jesus! I don't want this burden no more! Please! Come help your boy! - [Tinkling.]
- [Soul music plays.]
Man: That's my boy.
Man: There you go.
Jesus.
Man: My savior! Man: Whoa, bro! What's happenin', young pimps? Fuck these niggas up.
No, Boon.
It ain't even like that, dawg.
Look, man, these dudes are just some young men I meet at the park once a month to offer some game and some guidance.
A lot of them ain't never had no real, solid role models in their life, man.
They're just lookin' for some love.
Love? Nigga, I almost pissed on myself out here, boy.
Come on, dawg.
You can do it.
Just Just Just lift your arms up, man, and let Pops' love fill your heart.
Come on! Come on, hold 'em up! - You feel that? - I feel something.
It's kinda warm.
That's God's love filling your body inside.
Now spread that shit.
This is Tiny Baseball.
Tiny Baseball, this is Boonie.
- What's up, cuz? - What's up, man? - Show me some love, man.
- Yeah, man.
Thank you, fake-ass son of God.
Praise your fake-ass name.
Hey, man Kinda cool showin' these little bastards some love.
[Chuckles.]
You all right, boy? Come here.
Give me some love, boy.
Your ass gonna get your brains blew out next week, probs.
You all right, boy? You look bitty, boy.
I knew you was gonna enjoy the game.
You needed some backup.
What up, boy? Hug that out! I feel you, boy.
That's a grown-man afro you got right there.
Yeah, this is cool, Jesus.
Best part of the job, Boon.
Best part of the job.