Brickleberry s03e05 Episode Script

Aw, look at my little cubs of anarchy.
Are you excited about your new bike? - Yes.
- Here you go, buddy.
What the [Bleep.]
is that? I asked for a motorcycle.
Malloy, we both know you're not big enough.
Besides, this is just as cool.
I'm a big boy.
I'm a big boy.
- I am not getting on that thing.
- Not without your safety gear.
I look ridiculous.
Everybody's gonna laugh at me.
Malloy, no one's gonna laugh at you.
That's it.
I'm gonna go set up the kill room.
Don't forget your outside helmet.
Daddy's gotta protect his little therapy pet.
- You're alive? - Yes.
Why? Oh, when you were two hours late, we assumed you were dead.
We even wrote your obituary.
"Steve Williams.
Lived, died, fat.
" That's it? Why didn't you list any of my accomplishments? - Uh, we said fat.
- How about the fact that I've been ranger of the month for years? Steve, it's about time we told you.
That award is meaningless.
Your medal is a snapple cap we painted gold.
Oh, my God.
I haven't done anything with my life.
When I'm dead, no one will remember me.
Nobody gives a shit, Steve.
I'm out of here.
Don't forget your bubble armor.
I can't breathe! Have fun, little buddy.
Stay in the driveway.
Brickleberry 3x05 - Write Em Cowboy Woody, I'm too big for your stupid bedtime stories.
"Once there was a man with a big, yellow mustache, and he had a curious little cubsy wubsy who kept the man's brain demons at bay.
Without his cuddles, the man would have to accept that during the war, he made a functioning piano out of Iraqi teeth and dicks.
The end.
" At least it wasn't the berenstain bears.
I hate those Jews.
P.
S.
Daddy will not be here to tuck you in tomorrow 'cause he's going to a strip club.
- The strip club? I wanna go.
- Whoa, slow down.
- You're too small.
- You say that about everything.
Aw, is my cubsy afraid to be home alone? Don't worry.
Daddy has a babysitter all lined up for you.
That always works out well.
That's what I'd do for a Klondike bar.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, what the hell are you doing? I realized I have to make my mark in the world.
If Ray J got famous for making a sex tape with a horse, - then so can I.
- Steve, that wasn't a horse.
- That was Kim Kardashian.
- Ew! I'll figure out some other way to make my mark.
Hello, Guinness? I just broke a record.
I stuck 39 rolls of dimes up my ass.
What? Shia Labeouf did 40? Damn it! What's the big deal? It's called a fetish! Eh, d-d-d-d.
Where do you think you're going, little bear? Well, man with the accent I can't place, I am here to see the titties.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You must be at least as tall as her C-section scar, or else you [Bleep.]
off.
But you are welcome to play at Jorge's single mom stripper daycare.
Hey, look, it's a wish machine.
All right, Mr.
No fly list.
Here goes.
I wish I was big.
Damn.
See, this is why I don't trust brown people.
- I didn't know you played guitar.
- It's what I do when I'm sad.
Hmm.
You're really good.
- Have you written any songs? - A few.
I'd love to perform them, but I'd be too embarrassed.
Too embarrassed? Didn't you shove $195 worth of dimes up your ass? Every time I fart, it's like I hit triple 7s.
Maybe your songs could put you on the map.
I got some contacts.
I could get you a gig.
Okay, but first I gotta drop a deuce.
We gotta find a coinstar.
- Morning, Malloy.
- Good morning.
What the [Bleep.]
? What happened to you, Malloy? Magic is real! All right, Steve.
I pulled a lot of strings to help get you this gig.
Hey, baby.
It's my girlfriend's grandson's party, so don't screw it up.
Don't worry.
The kids will love it.
I'm doing a song I wrote about guys who work on a Mountain.
All right.
Now go get 'em.
Mountain men I love Mountain men mountin' Harry, mountin' Tom, and mountin' Ben sharing a tent with my favorite dudes I want to be mountin' men like you they're sweaty, hairy, and hard as a rock Steve, what the hell? You better play something else quick! Something for the kids.
- Ooh, I've got a cute rooster song.
- Do it! Do it! I'm in the barn, I'm playing with my cock all the boys line up to pet my cock he's thick, he's red, he's got a big old head why don't I just show you instead? raise your hand if you want to see my cock - Kill him! - Let's get him! - Run, Steve, run! - What'd I say? What'd I say? What'd I say? They hate me.
Why did they hate me? Steve, didn't you think there was something queer about those songs? I just write wholesome country songs.
See? "Farmhand jobs.
" "Come in my back door, bubba.
" "Riding the Bologna pony?" - What'd I tell you? - Hmm.
You know what? I think you just need a change of venue.
You say love is easy but love is painful but love can make you cry but love can leave you bloody it's not easy but love fills you up inside Maybe America is ready for my innocent, wholesome country songs.
And not dirty songs that are all about sex like your people's music.
And with me as your manager, you're gonna be big.
Everybody loved me last night.
I got so many high fives and ass slaps.
Those guys over at Hogg Riders sure know - how to have a good time.
- They sure do, buddy.
Now you better be moseying on out of here.
You gotta practice up for your next gig.
Denzel booked me at this place called a bathhouse.
That's actually a A place where men can wash each other's dicks in a heterosexual manner.
Why aren't you telling Steve the truth? Steve thinks his songs are all pure and innocent.
If he knew they were about hard-core gay sex, - he wouldn't play them.
- And you wouldn't be wearing a new panda skin jacket.
Aw, don't be a hater.
It's faux.
Fo-sho real panda skin.
Ha ha! Listen up, rangers.
There is a problem with Malloy.
'Sup, squirts? - Huh.
- Cool.
Hey, I guess magic is real.
Malloy, what are you doing with that death machine? Shut up, Woody.
She's been tested.
You can't ride without a helmet.
Do you wanna get a [Bleep.]
up Gary Busey brain? Don't be ridiculous.
These things aren't dangerous.
Oh, no.
I'll give her mouth-to-mouth.
That's not her mouth.
It's okay.
She's dead.
- You okay, Woody? - I'd be better if a giant bear didn't maul me in my sleep.
It stopped your snoring.
Oh, Malloy, you destroyed the bathroom! Where's the toilet? Check under that big pile of bear shit.
God damn it, Malloy, you've wrecked the place! Is that Abortia-geddon? No, it's Abortia-geddon 2.
I told you that game was verboten! I even used German to make it scarier.
I'm big.
I can buy any game I want.
No more fetus games, no more midnight maulings, and that motorcycle has got to go! My house, my rules.
Then I'll just move out of your house.
Ha! You won't make it for a second in the real world.
You'll be crawling back, begging me to take you in.
I'll never come back here.
I'm done with you and your bullshit rules.
Little bear, you have no idea how miserable you're gonna be out there.
Whoo! You girls are so hot! Okay, closing time! Here's your bill, bear.
That will be $700.
- Oh.
I am out of money.
- Get outta here! And go get a job, you deadbeat! I don't need a job or this place.
This is amazing! How's everybody doing? This song's about my friend Pedro Who rode my donkey all the way to Mexico without a saddle.
Pedro's going bareback on my ass Pedro's going bareback on my ass I said skin on skin may give you an infection but he slapped my ass said he don't use no protection Pedro's riding my ass raw Pedro's riding my ass raw he's a real man without a doubt but when Pedro's done my ass will be worn out Hyah! Thank you, everyone! Hey, get off me! - Hello, Denzel.
- Who the hell are you? I'm the head of the gay mafia.
We control Hollywood and all of entertainment.
You do exist.
Fox news was right.
Yeah! They're right about everything.
We wanna help you.
You've taken Steve Williams as far as he can go.
It's time for the gay mafia to take him to the next level.
Stadiums, record deals, YouTube.
Holy shit! YouTube? You can really do that? Yeah! Denzel, you seem like a man who likes money.
If you sign a contract with us right now, we'll give you a cash signing bonus.
I am a man who likes money.
And do we have to tell Steve about the signing bonus? That is up to Steve's manager.
That's me! So the answer is Aw, hell no! This is a huge arena.
How did you pull this off? - I, uh, have a few new connections.
- Thanks, man.
You're really helping me make my mark on the world.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now put this on and get out there.
This song is all about a guy who couldn't make it home for Christmas because the transmission went out on his pickup truck.
What'd he say? Mm-mm-mm.
Honey, tell the kids I won't be home today got something to tell you that's really hard to say I blew a tranny last night I blew a tranny last night this might hurt you, but there's nothing I can do 'cause I blew a tranny last night I blew a tranny last night I blew a tranny last night this might hurt you, but there's nothing I can do 'cause I blew a tranny last night Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! And I'm not supposed to say it, but George Clooney had sex right where you're standing.
Wow.
I need this place.
Great.
It's a steal at 8,000 a month.
What can I get for 4 bucks and a rough hand job with, uh, bear paws? Nice, huh? Bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, all in one room.
Plus central air! - Uh, is he dead? - Don't worry, not murder.
Poisonous spiders.
You take it? - Guess I have no choice.
- Great.
And tell your roommate to stop giving me the stink eye.
Wow, Woody.
You're in a good mood.
Why wouldn't I be? 'Cause we thought you'd be skunk shit crazy now that Malloy's gone.
What are you talking about? Malloy's not gone.
He's right here.
- Jesus! - Incoming! Eat the women and children first! Uh-oh.
We need to get Malloy back to calm Woody down before he gets worse.
What the hell is Charlie doing in Iraq? We like Brickleberry park! - Why am I riding a guy again? - Look, it's all CGI.
They're gonna turn that guy into a horse later.
That's how they did it in Lord of the rings.
Hey, don't you think this is kinda graphic? We've got a lot riding on Steve's success, so let me make this clear: Go tell Steve that we want it to be more graphic, or you'll wind up in a ditch with your dick in your mouth.
More graphic it is.
Hey, Steve, smack your horse on the ass a few times.
Whatever you say, Denzel.
Now pretend your shaking a thick ketchup bottle on your face.
- Like this? - No, it's stuck.
You gotta shake it harder! Oh, the cap is still on.
Try to take it off with your butt.
This is gonna be a cool video.
Congratulations, Denzel.
We've booked a huge concert for Steve at Brickleberry amphitheater.
Ooh, that's great.
Now I'll be able to pay off this.
We'll need Steve to debut a hot - new single at the concert.
- Done.
We're also going to need him to promote the concert on Ellen.
Oh, no.
Steve can't do TV.
He doesn't even know his songs Oh! I mean all right! Which has less calories? The Chicken-zilla or the Beef St.
Helens? Like it matters.
Why don't you just get a yummy meal? It comes with a mirror, so you can find your cooch.
Ah.
Marroy! You mean to customers.
- You fired! - I need this job, man.
- I have bills to pay.
- Oh, wah.
You fired! By the way, I jerked off in the silly sauce.
Enjoy.
Please welcome country music icon Steve Williams.
Steve, you're a brave man.
Thank you, sir.
So are you, Alan.
Uh, we are just so honored to have the first gay country music artist on our show today.
Oh! Kenny Chesney's here? You are such a hoot.
We have a little clip of your latest music video.
I hope I can awkwardly dance to it.
No, shit.
Not the video.
Uh, you wanna tell us anything about it? I open an invisible bottle of ketchup with my butt.
Amazing.
Let's roll the video.
Oh, my God.
What am I doing? That's not ketchup! W-why would they squirt that on me? Close your mouth, Steve! Nooo! Why? Why? Hey! What are you doing? Kicking you out! You're late on your rent! Seriously? Seriously? - Seriously? - Ahh.
- Seriously? - Uh, yes, sir.
I wish you were here to tell me a bedtime story.
Once upon a time, I stabbed my mother[Bleep.]
pimp to death with a broke-off buick antenna! Good night, baby.
Look, Steve, I just wanna No, I don't wanna hear more of your lies.
You made me a fraud.
Nothing against gay sex, I mean, it's on my bucket list, but these songs were innocent, and you betrayed me.
I'm sorry, Steve.
I just wanted to help you leave your mark.
I promise I'll never lie to you again.
- It's too late.
I quit! - You can't quit! Oh, yeah? They said I couldn't spell either, but watch me l-e-v-e.
You're not going anywhere.
Who are these effeminate thugs? Oh, uh, I may have signed your life away to the gay mafia without telling you.
That's an omission of fact.
Not a lie.
Big difference.
That little freak-out on Ellen better not mean trouble for your concert, because if you don't show up with a new single, you are both dead.
If I'm gonna get a death threat, I do prefer show tune-style.
Oh.
We've searched for hours.
Where could he be? - Stupid machine.
I hate you.
- Malloy! Oh, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm really happy to see you guys.
- I hate being big.
- I know exactly what you mean.
I said "big," not "Kathy Bates.
" Woody needs you.
He's gone crazy without you around.
There's nothing I can do.
This machine only grants one wish per customer.
I can make a wish.
Oops, sorry.
That's the first thing that popped into my head.
Connie, this isn't about you.
- Oh, it didn't work.
- Yes, it did.
- Guess who's HPV-free.
- Give it a week.
We need to get Woody.
He's the only one who would use his wish to make Malloy small again.
Oh, Ray-Ray, you alive! Oh, I'm so happy.
I get to kill you again, mother[Bleep.]
! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! Woody! Oh, he could be anywhere.
- Say hello to my little friend.
- I'll say.
Hey, the water's cold, all right? We all know I'm packing Now prepare to die! You'll never take me alive! Um bang? Come on, man, you got another song in you.
Okay.
Okay, I can do this.
I wanna put my butt in your butt We're [Bleep.]
.
The only honorable thing to do now is to change our names and start a new life.
Good thing I keep a couple of emergency disguises just in case.
Steve, what in the hell are we supposed to be? Duh.
The Lone Ranger and tauntaun.
We'll blend right in.
Steve? Steve Williams? Uh, no.
I'm a tauntaun.
My entire life, I've been bullied for being gay.
I was about to end it all before I heard your music.
You're my hero.
You're telling me your life was saved by the song "Butt love?" Be quiet, chemotherapy.
This kid just gave me an idea for a song.
- What's your name, son? - Billy Black.
My biggest fan inspired me to write a touching new song.
Come up onstage here, Billy.
Billy, I promise it gets better, even though sometimes people can be cruel.
This goes out to you, Billy Black.
I'm so sorry, Billy Black, people suck it's not your fault, Billy Black, people stink don't worry, Billy Black, people are animals I'd like to tie them to my pickup truck and drag 'em down the road Gay riot! Get him! That's it.
You guys are finished.
Oh, man.
Why couldn't that kid have been named Billy Mexican? I'll give you anything you want.
Just don't kill me! Ow! Cubsy wubsy.
Is that you? Woody! Woody, I was wrong.
Being big sucks.
Please wish me smaller.
Anything for you, little buddy.
I love magic.
Ah, shit, what's happening? Aww! My cubsy wubsy is even cuter wuter when he's tiny whiney.
Goddamn irony.
Magic sucks.
That was a disaster.
Why did they hate my song so much? Don't sweat it, Steve.
You just need a change of venue.
I'd like to tie 'em to my pickup truck and drag 'em down the road Denzel was right.
These angry cancer patients love my Billy Black song.
Heil, Steve! Hi back to you!