Buffy the Vampire Slayer s03e05 Episode Script
Homecoming
- I think we should get a limo.
|- A limo? - Yeah.
|- A big, expensive limo? That sounds fun!|It is our last Homecoming dance, - so maybe it should be a big deal.
|- You wanna talk fun? Public bus.
You meet the funnest people.
|Back me up here, Oz.
If it's a dollar issue, we could all take my van.
Van? The Homecoming Queen doesn't|go to the dance in a van.
Use your head.
You haven't been elected yet.
Although|you certainly and without a doubt will be.
- Who else likes a limo?|- A private limo.
It is pretty cuddlesome.
And if we all split the cost - Maybe.
You know, if I go and all.
|- Why wouldn't you go? You already have your tickets.
|I mean, unless you don't have a da.
.
y or two to think about it.
|We should all think about it.
What's going on here? Did Scott not ask her|to the Homecoming dance yet? Thanks, Cordelia.
|Humiliation's really good for my colour.
Well, no.
I just I assumed that you would think it was corny,|but I'm in.
I mean, if you are.
If you want to.
Sure I do.
You know, if you want to.
- Well, I do if you want to.
|- The judges will accept that as a yes.
- Do you want me to get you another drink?|- No, actually.
I'm a little tired.
|I think I'm gonna call it a night.
- But I'm excited about the dance.
|- Me too.
It's just me.
Here.
How are you feeling? It hurts less.
Good.
I haven't told Giles|and the others that you're back.
And I'm not going to.
They wouldn't understand|that you're better.
And I'm gonna keep helping you get better.
It's just that everything's different now.
I'm a senior.
|I'm really working harder in school.
I'm even thinking about college.
And I'm involved with someone.
His name is Scott.
He's a nice, solid guy.
He makes me happy.
And that's what I need.
|Someone I can count on.
I don't think we should|see each other any more.
You don't? When did this happen? Where was I? Buffy, it's just Before we were going out, you seemed|so full of life, like a force of nature.
- Now you seem distracted all the time and|- No, I know.
I'm getting better.
Honest.
In fact, from here on, you are gonna see|a drastic distraction reduction.
"Drastic distraction reduction"? Try saying that ten times fast.
I'm really sorry.
Is that her? In the nubile flesh, my friend.
That's the target.
The Mayor will see you now.
- I'm sorry to bother you, sir.
|- I'm not bothered, Allan.
Well, I'm not sure how serious this is, but they were spotted in town three days ago,|I've just been informed.
Frederick and Hans Gruenshtahler: wanted in Germany for capital murder,|terrorism, the bombing of flight 1402.
I should have brought it to your attention|sooner, but I wanted to confirm Would you show me your hands, please? - Sir?|- Your hands.
- I think they could be cleaner.
|- Of course, sir.
I mean, I washed them, but After every meal, and under your fingernails.
|Dirt gets trapped there.
And mayonnaise.
My dear mother said "cleanliness|is next to godliness" and I believed her.
She never caught a cold.
I'd like these two to be|put under surveillance.
I'd like to know if any other|colourful characters have come to town.
- I'll take care of it.
|- You have all my faith.
You have to help me pick an outfit.
I wanna|wear something that makes Oz go "Oh.
" No problem.
I got the tux goin' on.
|I'm gonna look hot if it even remotely fits.
Whatcha doin'? Checking out the - I laughingly|use the phrase - "competition".
Holly Charleston: nice girl,|brain-dead, doesn't have a prayer.
Michelle Blake: open to all mankind, especially those|with a letterman's jacket and a car.
- She could give me a run.
|- Where's Buffy? She'll miss the pictures.
With Faith in the library, gettin' all sweaty.
- They're training.
|- I stand by my phrase.
She wasn't here the day they announced 'em.
|Anybody tell her? I'll do it.
I'm going to|the nurse's office for an ice pack.
- Did you hurt yourself?|- No, silly.
It shrinks the pores! Man! Guys should break up|with you more often.
Gee, thank you.
I mean it.
You got some quality rage goin'.
|Really gives you an edge.
Edge Girl.
|Just what I always wanted to be.
Well, screw him, all right? You move on,|and you party heavily, and you'll be fine.
- You're still going to that dance, right?|- Maybe.
You got the tix already.
|Why don't we go together? - I don't know about that.
|- Come on.
We'll find a coupla studs, we'll use 'em and discard 'em.
|That's always fun.
OK, I'm in.
Not the stud-using part, though.
Or probably not.
Bobby.
Mashad.
You don't phone, you don't write Where's the love? Ms Moran? Hi.
I'm so glad that I ran into you.
I had this little incident last year|of getting kicked out of school.
And I'm back now, though.
|I've done all of my make-up tests, but I need one written|recommendation from a teacher.
I think the word|that Principal Snyder used was "glowing".
To put in my file,|so I can prove that I belong here.
And, you are Buffy.
Buffy Summers.
Third row.
I sat by the window.
Your class: Contemporary American Heroes|from Amelia Earhart to Maya Angelou.
The class that changed my life? - Were you absent a lot|- Buffy? Hi.
I hope you'll consider me|for Homecoming Queen.
I can't believe it.
My favourite teacher,|and she didn't even remember who I was.
I'm like a non-person.
Am I invisible?|Can you see me? Big as life.
At Hemey I was Prom Princess, I was Fiesta|Queen, I was on the cheerleading squad.
And the yearbook was, like, a story of me.
Now it's senior year, and I'll be one crappy|picture on one eighth of one crappy page.
- No, actually, you're not.
|- What do you mean? Well, you missed the picture-taking.
When? Why? - We did 'em yesterday.
|- Didn't Cordelia tell you? Thanks for your support.
- Buffy, you look so cute in that outfit.
|- I'm not voting for you.
Then make it snappy.
Why didn't you tell me|about the yearbook pictures? - Oh, I guess I forgot.
What's the big?|- It's just You could've thought|about somebody else for 30 seconds.
- Hey, I am under a lot of pressure here.
|- Oh, yeah, campaigning.
Rough gig.
Just because you were Guacamole Queen|when you were three doesn't mean you understand|how this works.
Obviously, it involves|handing out lame flyers.
No.
It involves being part of this school|and having actual friends.
Now, if it was about monsters, blood|and innards, then you'd be a shoo-in.
- I'd like to see you try to win the crown.
|- You would? - Then you will.
|- What does that mean? I'm gonna show you how it's done.
I'm gonna run for Homecoming Queen,|and I'll win.
This is starting to be sad.
Sorry, Cordy, but you have no idea|who you're messing with.
What? The Slayer? I'm not talking about the Slayer.
|I'm talking about Buffy.
You've awakened the Prom Queen within.
And that crown is going to be mine.
Competition.
Competition is a beautiful thing.
It makes us strive.
It makes us accomplish.
Occasionally, it makes us kill.
|We all have the desire to win.
I mean, whether we're human, vampire Or whatever you are, my brother.
|You got spiny-looking head things.
I ain't never seen that before.
- I am Kulak, of the Miquot Clan.
|- Isn't that nice.
Point is, you're all here for the same reason.
It sure ain't no philosophy class, is it? Mr Gorch, my account statement says|that your deposit has not yet been made.
Well, me and Candy we blowin' our whole|honeymoon stash on this little game here.
- They're dirty.
|- They're non-consecutive.
The games will begin in a few days' time.
|The first target, Buffy, you've all seen.
The second, Faith, is a little more elusive.
But they will be together|and ready for the killing, and that is a money-back guarantee.
Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed-lookin' creatures, welcome to SlayerFest '98.
What do you think of this? - Nice.
|- It's my first big dance, you know? Where there's a boy and a band and not just me alone in my room|pretending that there's a boy and a band.
- I just want it to be|- Yeah, special.
That's why I spared no expense on the tux.
The tux? I thought you borrowed it|from your cousin Rigby.
Expense to my pride, Will.
They're our only relations with money,|and they shun us.
As they should.
What do you think about this? Nice.
- What?|- I was just Remember the eighth-grade cotillion?|You had that clip-on? - Yeah, I was pretty stylin' with a clip-on.
|- Now here we are, and it's - Homecoming.
|- Yeah, we should face it, Will.
You and I will be in neighbouring rest homes|while I come over so you can adjust my Well, I can't think of anything|that's not really gross, so So.
You and Oz.
How do I put this? Are we on first, second, or ye gods? That's none of your business,|Alexander Harris.
- Rounding second.
|- You don't know that.
- What about you and Cordelia?|- A gentleman never talks about conquests.
Oh, yeah?|Well, since when did you become a gentleman? I know.
"Nice.
" I was gonna go with "gorgeous".
Really? You too.
In a guy way.
Oz is very lucky.
So is Cordelia.
In a girl way.
I don't know if I can dance in this.
|I don't know if I can dance! Come on.
Piece of cake.
Here.
Well, that seems to Yeah.
This shouldn't be a problem.
No.
No problem.
- That didn't just happen.
|- No! I mean, it did, but it didn't.
Because I respect you.
|And Oz.
And I would never I would never either.
|It must be the clothes.
It's a fluke.
It's a clothes fluke.
|There'll be no more fluking.
Not ever.
- We gotta get out of these clothes.
|- Right now.
- I didn't mean|- I didn't me either.
A campaign is like a war,|It's won or lost in the trenches, Holly, Michelle, and our real competition,|Cordelia, all have big head starts.
Speaking of big heads, if I had a watermelon|as big as Cordelia's, I'd be rich.
Waits for laugh OK, you're right.
Making fun of the|competition only makes me seem petty.
Now, this is just like any other|popularity contest.
I've done this before.
The only difference being|this time I'm not actually popular.
Although, I'm not exactly unpopular.
A lot|of people came to my Welcome Home party.
- But they were killed by zombies.
|- Good point.
OK, here's the plan.
Willow, I need you|to make a database.
See who's for us, who's on the fence|and where our real crisis areas are.
Oz, you take the fringe: musicians,|those not normally inclined to vote.
Xander, what Cordelia.
OK, look.
I know this is awkward, but I don't|see any reason why we can't get along during this campaign time.
|I mean, we're almost friends and we are all riding together in the limo.
Yeah, great.
|Willow, how's that database coming? It'sjust about done.
Xander? - I got your new flyers.
|- Let's get cracking.
She's my girlfriend.
It's just that she needs it|so much more than you do.
As Willow goes, so goes my nation.
Thanks for what you said, Buffy.
|I think we're gettin' along great.
Don't you? Seems like a lot of fuss for one little title.
Well you know, it's no fun|if you don't try your best.
As long as fun is still in the mix.
Sure! It's not like anyone|takes it that seriously.
- Sorry.
|- Here.
I heard you were doing this.
Yeah.
It's just something to pass the time.
- It's silly, really.
|- I don't think so.
For what it's worth, you have my vote.
No, I don't want you to feel Thank you.
- Hey.
|- Hi.
How are you? You look good.
Anything new?|Hey, did I mention you look good? Willow, it's OK that you're helping Cordelia.
|We're best friends.
I won't hold it against you.
No, I'm not a friend.
|I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there are forces at work.
|Dark, incomprehensible forces.
I'm sure they're more important|than all we've been through, - or the number of times I've saved your life.
|- What do you want? - OK.
|- Good! So, I spoke to the limo people,|and we're all set.
they'll pick up Faith, then me,|then swing by and get you guys, Now, what's your database|tell you about my weaknesses? You know, Jonathan, I've always felt|a special bond between you and me.
Cordelia gave me six bucks.
|That buys a whole lotta cupcakes.
Are you kidding? I've been doing|the Vulcan death grip since I was four.
You really are giving out money, huh? Is that any more tacky than your faux|"I'm shy but deep" campaign posters? Yes.
This whole trying to be like me|really isn't funny any more.
I was never trying to be like you,|and when was it funny? Why should your pathetic need to recapture|your glory days splinter my vote? How can you think it's OK to talk to people|like this? Do you have parents? Yeah.
Two of them unlike some people.
Your brain isn't connected|to your mouth, is it? Why don't you do us both a favour|and stay out of my way? Don't ever do that again.
- You're sick, you know that?|- Let's not say something we'll regret, OK.
- You crazy freak!|- Vapid whore! - Like that.
|- What did you call me? This is just then worst thing|that's ever happened.
Ever! I know.
It's just When I look at you now, it's like|I'm seeing you for the first time.
- I'm talking about Buffy and Cordelia.
|- Me too.
What are we gonna do? I mean, we have|to do something.
This is all our fault.
How do you get from|"chick fight" to "our fault"? Because we felt so guilty about the fluke,|we over compensated helping Cordelia.
We spun the group dynamic out of orbit.
|We're a meteor shower heading for Earth OK, calm down.
Let's put our heads together|and think of somethin'.
OK, now, one of us here|is pretty darn smart, and I am just in hell.
I mean, I thought being a senior - at last - and having a girlfriend - at last -|would be a good thing.
Now, why wouldn't that be a good thing? What? Sometimes when you're falling to pieces,|your mouth, it just does the sweetest thing.
What are we gonna do? We just have to get|the two of them communicating.
I'm talking about us.
What's going on here? Where's Faith? "Dear Cordelia and Buffy.
|We won't be riding to the dance with you.
" "Work out your problems.
Our friendships|are more important than who wins.
" "Your friends.
" "PS.
The limo was not cheap.
Work it out.
" Well - They bought us corsages?|- I took the orchid.
OK.
I don't see what the big deal is.
I'm not making a big deal.
|You wanted the orchid, you got the orchid.
It goes with my complexion better.
It does have that sallow tint.
Finally we're here.
What is this? OK, guys, we've had enough|of your stupid little games.
What's massively wrong with this picture? Hello, ladies, Welcome to SlayerFest '98, What is a SlayerFest, you ask? Well, as in most of life,|there's the hunters and the hunted, Can you guess where you two fall? From the beginning of this tape,|you have exactly 30 seconds,,, no, that's 17 now, to run for your lives, Faith, Buffy,,, Have a nice death, Hello! How stupid are you people? She's a Slayer.
I'm a Homecoming Queen.
What are you two so mopy about? Oh, we're not mopy.
We're groovin'.
On Oz's band.
He's a great guy, Oz.
He wrote this song for me.
Sleazebag.
We have to find Buffy.
|Something terrible's happened.
Just kidding.
|Thought I'd give you a scare.
Are those finger sandwiches? I have an idea.
We talk to these people, we explain|that I'm not a slayer and they let me go.
Look out! Get down! That's gotta smart.
I can let you out of that,|or put a bullet in your head.
How many are there in this little game|and what are they packing? There's me, two Germans with AR-15s|and grenade launcher, yellow-skinned demon with long knives,|vampire couple from Texas named Gorch.
- That everybody?|- Everybody who's out here.
Germans are wired.
Their boss is tracking 'em|on computer.
Now get me out of this! Could I just ask you an eensy favour? Could|you just tell your friends that I'm not a sl Scott? There you are, honey!|Hey, good news.
Doctor says the itching and burning should|clear up, but we gotta use the ointment.
Hi! I suspect the finger food contains actual fingers.
I think I'll retreat to the library|until the coronation.
I want to be here when Buffy|Well, however the thing turns out for her.
And that was a very fine thing you two did,|putting Buffy and Cordelia together.
We did one fine thing.
Yeah.
They've been gone awhile.
|Must really be getting into it.
We should be safe in here for a while.
|You need to find a weapon.
Safe? I'm not safe.
I'm gonna die.
Yeah, you are if you just stand there.
I'm never gonna be crowned|Homecoming Queen.
I'm never gonna graduate from high school.
I'm never gonna know if it's real|between me and Xander, or if it's just some temporary insanity that made me think I loved him.
And now I'm never|gonna get the chance to tell him.
Yes, you are.
We'll head back to the library,|where Giles and the rest of the weapons live.
Then I'll take out the rest,|in time for you to congratulate me on my sweeping victory|as Homecoming Queen.
I know what you're up to.
You think if you get me mad enough,|I won't be so scared.
And, hey! It's working.
|Where's a damn weapon? - You really love Xander?|- Well, he kinda grows on you, like a Chia Pet.
- That's it?|- Just this and a telephone.
A telephone.
|And you didn't you think that'd be helpful? No, this is better for You're about to see why Daniel Boone and|that idiot demon are creatures of the past, and why I am the future.
I'm picking up a signal.
They've got a phone! If you get this message, Giles,|get help and get out here Hello? - What happened?|- It went dead.
- Want me to cut that leg off?|- No, thanks.
Continue proceeding South|90 metres to vector three, Giles, it's me, And Cordelia, We're in a cabin|in Miller's Woods, and we're in big trouble, Why is it every time I go somewhere with|you, it always ends in violence and terror? - Welcome to my life.
|- I don't wanna be in your life.
I wanna be in my life.
Well, there's the door.
Please feel free|to walk out at anytime and live your life.
All I wanted was to be Homecoming Queen.
And that's all I wanted too, Cordelia.
I spent a year's allowance on this dress.
I don't get why you care about Homecoming|when you're doing stuff like this.
Because this is all I do.
|This is what my life is.
You couldn't understand.
I just thought Homecoming Queen.
I could pick up a yearbook someday|and say "I was there.
" I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world.
And there'd be proof.
Proof that I was chosen|for something other than this.
Besides I look cute in a tiara.
Do you hear Cor, the gun! Cordelia, the spatula.
Prepare to launch.
target's in range, Ready your weapon, Y-axis 53 degrees west by 8 degrees south, Launch.
We gotta get back to the library.
Easy, darlin'.
These things go through you|faster than Grandpa Pete's chilli.
I wanna do Buffy.
My weddin' present|for what happened to your poor brother.
- Tector.
|- When's she comin'? Well, he's her watcher.
She'll show -just as soon as she|gets rid of some of our competition.
They're heading west.
Back into town.
- They got away?|- Temporarily.
Well, give it up for the slayers.
|They got character.
I'll take care of it.
Evening, gentlemen.
How may I help you? Excuse me.
Anybody got a warrant here? Jungle Bob and spike-head are down and out.
|The Germans keep finding us.
If we take them out,|we can still make Homecoming.
Those animals! Hunting us down|like poor defenceless Well, animals.
We just need to find Gil Candy! I'm gonna kill both you slayers for this!|You hear me? I hear you, you redneck moron.
|You got a dress that goes with that hat? I'm gonna Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs,|boil my brain and eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle-brain.
We've taken out|four of your cronies and your girlfriend.
- Wife!|- Whatever.
The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat.
|See, in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up.
I'm the queen.
You get me mad,|what do you think I'm gonna do to you? Later.
That should teach him|to mistake you for a slayer.
Yes, I must admit I do feel partly responsible.
I did give your friends tacit approval|to make the switch in the limousine.
It's OK.
It gave Cor and I a chance|to spend some quality death time.
- And we got these free corsages.
|- Oh.
That's nice.
Although I don't recall|them mentioning corsages.
Jungle Bob said that the Germans|were hooked into a computer system.
And they're hooked into us.
- Oh God, get rid of these things.
|- I need some wet toilet paper.
Yeah! That'll help.
transmitting coordinates now, They're 50 feet away.
Axis 6 degrees by 43, I have them in range.
I have the targets together,|20 feet north and stationary, Final position is locked, Fire when ready, Both targets 7 degrees by 35.
Adjust.
Right ten degrees.
Fire.
I won.
- Hello! Nice to meet you.
|- Yeah.
Hi, it's a pleasure.
Where am I? In my office.
I'm Richard Wilkins,|Mayor of Sunnydale.
And you're Mr Trick.
Please, sit down.
That's an exciting suit.
- Well, clothes make the man.
|- Well, as I understand it, you're not a man exactly.
Mr Trick, I've been the Mayor|for quite some time.
I like things to run smoothly.
|This is a very important year for me.
- Election year.
|- Something like that.
If you're telling me I don't fit in here|in your quiet neighbourhood, you can just skip it, cos that all got old|long before I became a vampire.
Do you have children? Children are the heart of a community.
|They need to be looked after.
Controlled.
The more rebellious element|needs to be dealt with.
The children are our future.
|We need them.
I need them.
If this rebellious element|means who I think it does, that problem may be|taken care of this very night.
So I've heard.
That's a very enterprising idea|you have: SlayerFest.
I love that name, by the way.
You see,|that's the kind of initiative I need on my team.
- What if I don't wanna be a part of the team?|- Oh, no, that won't be an issue.
See, you and I are gonna get along very well.
Moist towelette? Hey, guys, the moment|we've all been waiting for.
They're gonna announce the queen.
|Where are they? What's keeping them? I'm gonna go with mud wrestling.
- Oh, God! What did you do to each other?|- Long story.
- Got hunted.
|- Apparently not that long.
Tell you one thing, though:|you don't wanna mess with Cordelia.
No.
In this envelope, I hold the name|of this year's Homecoming Queen.
After all we've been through tonight,|this whole queen-capade seems pretty - Damn important.
|- Oh, yeah.
And the winner is Hey, I believe we have a first|for Sunnydale High.
We have a tie.
The winners are Holly Charleston|and Michelle Blake.
I'm just so honoured.
I can't believe it! I mean,|that you would pick me - or us - out of every girl in the whole school.
|It's just so wonderful! I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry
|- A limo? - Yeah.
|- A big, expensive limo? That sounds fun!|It is our last Homecoming dance, - so maybe it should be a big deal.
|- You wanna talk fun? Public bus.
You meet the funnest people.
|Back me up here, Oz.
If it's a dollar issue, we could all take my van.
Van? The Homecoming Queen doesn't|go to the dance in a van.
Use your head.
You haven't been elected yet.
Although|you certainly and without a doubt will be.
- Who else likes a limo?|- A private limo.
It is pretty cuddlesome.
And if we all split the cost - Maybe.
You know, if I go and all.
|- Why wouldn't you go? You already have your tickets.
|I mean, unless you don't have a da.
.
y or two to think about it.
|We should all think about it.
What's going on here? Did Scott not ask her|to the Homecoming dance yet? Thanks, Cordelia.
|Humiliation's really good for my colour.
Well, no.
I just I assumed that you would think it was corny,|but I'm in.
I mean, if you are.
If you want to.
Sure I do.
You know, if you want to.
- Well, I do if you want to.
|- The judges will accept that as a yes.
- Do you want me to get you another drink?|- No, actually.
I'm a little tired.
|I think I'm gonna call it a night.
- But I'm excited about the dance.
|- Me too.
It's just me.
Here.
How are you feeling? It hurts less.
Good.
I haven't told Giles|and the others that you're back.
And I'm not going to.
They wouldn't understand|that you're better.
And I'm gonna keep helping you get better.
It's just that everything's different now.
I'm a senior.
|I'm really working harder in school.
I'm even thinking about college.
And I'm involved with someone.
His name is Scott.
He's a nice, solid guy.
He makes me happy.
And that's what I need.
|Someone I can count on.
I don't think we should|see each other any more.
You don't? When did this happen? Where was I? Buffy, it's just Before we were going out, you seemed|so full of life, like a force of nature.
- Now you seem distracted all the time and|- No, I know.
I'm getting better.
Honest.
In fact, from here on, you are gonna see|a drastic distraction reduction.
"Drastic distraction reduction"? Try saying that ten times fast.
I'm really sorry.
Is that her? In the nubile flesh, my friend.
That's the target.
The Mayor will see you now.
- I'm sorry to bother you, sir.
|- I'm not bothered, Allan.
Well, I'm not sure how serious this is, but they were spotted in town three days ago,|I've just been informed.
Frederick and Hans Gruenshtahler: wanted in Germany for capital murder,|terrorism, the bombing of flight 1402.
I should have brought it to your attention|sooner, but I wanted to confirm Would you show me your hands, please? - Sir?|- Your hands.
- I think they could be cleaner.
|- Of course, sir.
I mean, I washed them, but After every meal, and under your fingernails.
|Dirt gets trapped there.
And mayonnaise.
My dear mother said "cleanliness|is next to godliness" and I believed her.
She never caught a cold.
I'd like these two to be|put under surveillance.
I'd like to know if any other|colourful characters have come to town.
- I'll take care of it.
|- You have all my faith.
You have to help me pick an outfit.
I wanna|wear something that makes Oz go "Oh.
" No problem.
I got the tux goin' on.
|I'm gonna look hot if it even remotely fits.
Whatcha doin'? Checking out the - I laughingly|use the phrase - "competition".
Holly Charleston: nice girl,|brain-dead, doesn't have a prayer.
Michelle Blake: open to all mankind, especially those|with a letterman's jacket and a car.
- She could give me a run.
|- Where's Buffy? She'll miss the pictures.
With Faith in the library, gettin' all sweaty.
- They're training.
|- I stand by my phrase.
She wasn't here the day they announced 'em.
|Anybody tell her? I'll do it.
I'm going to|the nurse's office for an ice pack.
- Did you hurt yourself?|- No, silly.
It shrinks the pores! Man! Guys should break up|with you more often.
Gee, thank you.
I mean it.
You got some quality rage goin'.
|Really gives you an edge.
Edge Girl.
|Just what I always wanted to be.
Well, screw him, all right? You move on,|and you party heavily, and you'll be fine.
- You're still going to that dance, right?|- Maybe.
You got the tix already.
|Why don't we go together? - I don't know about that.
|- Come on.
We'll find a coupla studs, we'll use 'em and discard 'em.
|That's always fun.
OK, I'm in.
Not the stud-using part, though.
Or probably not.
Bobby.
Mashad.
You don't phone, you don't write Where's the love? Ms Moran? Hi.
I'm so glad that I ran into you.
I had this little incident last year|of getting kicked out of school.
And I'm back now, though.
|I've done all of my make-up tests, but I need one written|recommendation from a teacher.
I think the word|that Principal Snyder used was "glowing".
To put in my file,|so I can prove that I belong here.
And, you are Buffy.
Buffy Summers.
Third row.
I sat by the window.
Your class: Contemporary American Heroes|from Amelia Earhart to Maya Angelou.
The class that changed my life? - Were you absent a lot|- Buffy? Hi.
I hope you'll consider me|for Homecoming Queen.
I can't believe it.
My favourite teacher,|and she didn't even remember who I was.
I'm like a non-person.
Am I invisible?|Can you see me? Big as life.
At Hemey I was Prom Princess, I was Fiesta|Queen, I was on the cheerleading squad.
And the yearbook was, like, a story of me.
Now it's senior year, and I'll be one crappy|picture on one eighth of one crappy page.
- No, actually, you're not.
|- What do you mean? Well, you missed the picture-taking.
When? Why? - We did 'em yesterday.
|- Didn't Cordelia tell you? Thanks for your support.
- Buffy, you look so cute in that outfit.
|- I'm not voting for you.
Then make it snappy.
Why didn't you tell me|about the yearbook pictures? - Oh, I guess I forgot.
What's the big?|- It's just You could've thought|about somebody else for 30 seconds.
- Hey, I am under a lot of pressure here.
|- Oh, yeah, campaigning.
Rough gig.
Just because you were Guacamole Queen|when you were three doesn't mean you understand|how this works.
Obviously, it involves|handing out lame flyers.
No.
It involves being part of this school|and having actual friends.
Now, if it was about monsters, blood|and innards, then you'd be a shoo-in.
- I'd like to see you try to win the crown.
|- You would? - Then you will.
|- What does that mean? I'm gonna show you how it's done.
I'm gonna run for Homecoming Queen,|and I'll win.
This is starting to be sad.
Sorry, Cordy, but you have no idea|who you're messing with.
What? The Slayer? I'm not talking about the Slayer.
|I'm talking about Buffy.
You've awakened the Prom Queen within.
And that crown is going to be mine.
Competition.
Competition is a beautiful thing.
It makes us strive.
It makes us accomplish.
Occasionally, it makes us kill.
|We all have the desire to win.
I mean, whether we're human, vampire Or whatever you are, my brother.
|You got spiny-looking head things.
I ain't never seen that before.
- I am Kulak, of the Miquot Clan.
|- Isn't that nice.
Point is, you're all here for the same reason.
It sure ain't no philosophy class, is it? Mr Gorch, my account statement says|that your deposit has not yet been made.
Well, me and Candy we blowin' our whole|honeymoon stash on this little game here.
- They're dirty.
|- They're non-consecutive.
The games will begin in a few days' time.
|The first target, Buffy, you've all seen.
The second, Faith, is a little more elusive.
But they will be together|and ready for the killing, and that is a money-back guarantee.
Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed-lookin' creatures, welcome to SlayerFest '98.
What do you think of this? - Nice.
|- It's my first big dance, you know? Where there's a boy and a band and not just me alone in my room|pretending that there's a boy and a band.
- I just want it to be|- Yeah, special.
That's why I spared no expense on the tux.
The tux? I thought you borrowed it|from your cousin Rigby.
Expense to my pride, Will.
They're our only relations with money,|and they shun us.
As they should.
What do you think about this? Nice.
- What?|- I was just Remember the eighth-grade cotillion?|You had that clip-on? - Yeah, I was pretty stylin' with a clip-on.
|- Now here we are, and it's - Homecoming.
|- Yeah, we should face it, Will.
You and I will be in neighbouring rest homes|while I come over so you can adjust my Well, I can't think of anything|that's not really gross, so So.
You and Oz.
How do I put this? Are we on first, second, or ye gods? That's none of your business,|Alexander Harris.
- Rounding second.
|- You don't know that.
- What about you and Cordelia?|- A gentleman never talks about conquests.
Oh, yeah?|Well, since when did you become a gentleman? I know.
"Nice.
" I was gonna go with "gorgeous".
Really? You too.
In a guy way.
Oz is very lucky.
So is Cordelia.
In a girl way.
I don't know if I can dance in this.
|I don't know if I can dance! Come on.
Piece of cake.
Here.
Well, that seems to Yeah.
This shouldn't be a problem.
No.
No problem.
- That didn't just happen.
|- No! I mean, it did, but it didn't.
Because I respect you.
|And Oz.
And I would never I would never either.
|It must be the clothes.
It's a fluke.
It's a clothes fluke.
|There'll be no more fluking.
Not ever.
- We gotta get out of these clothes.
|- Right now.
- I didn't mean|- I didn't me either.
A campaign is like a war,|It's won or lost in the trenches, Holly, Michelle, and our real competition,|Cordelia, all have big head starts.
Speaking of big heads, if I had a watermelon|as big as Cordelia's, I'd be rich.
Waits for laugh OK, you're right.
Making fun of the|competition only makes me seem petty.
Now, this is just like any other|popularity contest.
I've done this before.
The only difference being|this time I'm not actually popular.
Although, I'm not exactly unpopular.
A lot|of people came to my Welcome Home party.
- But they were killed by zombies.
|- Good point.
OK, here's the plan.
Willow, I need you|to make a database.
See who's for us, who's on the fence|and where our real crisis areas are.
Oz, you take the fringe: musicians,|those not normally inclined to vote.
Xander, what Cordelia.
OK, look.
I know this is awkward, but I don't|see any reason why we can't get along during this campaign time.
|I mean, we're almost friends and we are all riding together in the limo.
Yeah, great.
|Willow, how's that database coming? It'sjust about done.
Xander? - I got your new flyers.
|- Let's get cracking.
She's my girlfriend.
It's just that she needs it|so much more than you do.
As Willow goes, so goes my nation.
Thanks for what you said, Buffy.
|I think we're gettin' along great.
Don't you? Seems like a lot of fuss for one little title.
Well you know, it's no fun|if you don't try your best.
As long as fun is still in the mix.
Sure! It's not like anyone|takes it that seriously.
- Sorry.
|- Here.
I heard you were doing this.
Yeah.
It's just something to pass the time.
- It's silly, really.
|- I don't think so.
For what it's worth, you have my vote.
No, I don't want you to feel Thank you.
- Hey.
|- Hi.
How are you? You look good.
Anything new?|Hey, did I mention you look good? Willow, it's OK that you're helping Cordelia.
|We're best friends.
I won't hold it against you.
No, I'm not a friend.
|I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there are forces at work.
|Dark, incomprehensible forces.
I'm sure they're more important|than all we've been through, - or the number of times I've saved your life.
|- What do you want? - OK.
|- Good! So, I spoke to the limo people,|and we're all set.
they'll pick up Faith, then me,|then swing by and get you guys, Now, what's your database|tell you about my weaknesses? You know, Jonathan, I've always felt|a special bond between you and me.
Cordelia gave me six bucks.
|That buys a whole lotta cupcakes.
Are you kidding? I've been doing|the Vulcan death grip since I was four.
You really are giving out money, huh? Is that any more tacky than your faux|"I'm shy but deep" campaign posters? Yes.
This whole trying to be like me|really isn't funny any more.
I was never trying to be like you,|and when was it funny? Why should your pathetic need to recapture|your glory days splinter my vote? How can you think it's OK to talk to people|like this? Do you have parents? Yeah.
Two of them unlike some people.
Your brain isn't connected|to your mouth, is it? Why don't you do us both a favour|and stay out of my way? Don't ever do that again.
- You're sick, you know that?|- Let's not say something we'll regret, OK.
- You crazy freak!|- Vapid whore! - Like that.
|- What did you call me? This is just then worst thing|that's ever happened.
Ever! I know.
It's just When I look at you now, it's like|I'm seeing you for the first time.
- I'm talking about Buffy and Cordelia.
|- Me too.
What are we gonna do? I mean, we have|to do something.
This is all our fault.
How do you get from|"chick fight" to "our fault"? Because we felt so guilty about the fluke,|we over compensated helping Cordelia.
We spun the group dynamic out of orbit.
|We're a meteor shower heading for Earth OK, calm down.
Let's put our heads together|and think of somethin'.
OK, now, one of us here|is pretty darn smart, and I am just in hell.
I mean, I thought being a senior - at last - and having a girlfriend - at last -|would be a good thing.
Now, why wouldn't that be a good thing? What? Sometimes when you're falling to pieces,|your mouth, it just does the sweetest thing.
What are we gonna do? We just have to get|the two of them communicating.
I'm talking about us.
What's going on here? Where's Faith? "Dear Cordelia and Buffy.
|We won't be riding to the dance with you.
" "Work out your problems.
Our friendships|are more important than who wins.
" "Your friends.
" "PS.
The limo was not cheap.
Work it out.
" Well - They bought us corsages?|- I took the orchid.
OK.
I don't see what the big deal is.
I'm not making a big deal.
|You wanted the orchid, you got the orchid.
It goes with my complexion better.
It does have that sallow tint.
Finally we're here.
What is this? OK, guys, we've had enough|of your stupid little games.
What's massively wrong with this picture? Hello, ladies, Welcome to SlayerFest '98, What is a SlayerFest, you ask? Well, as in most of life,|there's the hunters and the hunted, Can you guess where you two fall? From the beginning of this tape,|you have exactly 30 seconds,,, no, that's 17 now, to run for your lives, Faith, Buffy,,, Have a nice death, Hello! How stupid are you people? She's a Slayer.
I'm a Homecoming Queen.
What are you two so mopy about? Oh, we're not mopy.
We're groovin'.
On Oz's band.
He's a great guy, Oz.
He wrote this song for me.
Sleazebag.
We have to find Buffy.
|Something terrible's happened.
Just kidding.
|Thought I'd give you a scare.
Are those finger sandwiches? I have an idea.
We talk to these people, we explain|that I'm not a slayer and they let me go.
Look out! Get down! That's gotta smart.
I can let you out of that,|or put a bullet in your head.
How many are there in this little game|and what are they packing? There's me, two Germans with AR-15s|and grenade launcher, yellow-skinned demon with long knives,|vampire couple from Texas named Gorch.
- That everybody?|- Everybody who's out here.
Germans are wired.
Their boss is tracking 'em|on computer.
Now get me out of this! Could I just ask you an eensy favour? Could|you just tell your friends that I'm not a sl Scott? There you are, honey!|Hey, good news.
Doctor says the itching and burning should|clear up, but we gotta use the ointment.
Hi! I suspect the finger food contains actual fingers.
I think I'll retreat to the library|until the coronation.
I want to be here when Buffy|Well, however the thing turns out for her.
And that was a very fine thing you two did,|putting Buffy and Cordelia together.
We did one fine thing.
Yeah.
They've been gone awhile.
|Must really be getting into it.
We should be safe in here for a while.
|You need to find a weapon.
Safe? I'm not safe.
I'm gonna die.
Yeah, you are if you just stand there.
I'm never gonna be crowned|Homecoming Queen.
I'm never gonna graduate from high school.
I'm never gonna know if it's real|between me and Xander, or if it's just some temporary insanity that made me think I loved him.
And now I'm never|gonna get the chance to tell him.
Yes, you are.
We'll head back to the library,|where Giles and the rest of the weapons live.
Then I'll take out the rest,|in time for you to congratulate me on my sweeping victory|as Homecoming Queen.
I know what you're up to.
You think if you get me mad enough,|I won't be so scared.
And, hey! It's working.
|Where's a damn weapon? - You really love Xander?|- Well, he kinda grows on you, like a Chia Pet.
- That's it?|- Just this and a telephone.
A telephone.
|And you didn't you think that'd be helpful? No, this is better for You're about to see why Daniel Boone and|that idiot demon are creatures of the past, and why I am the future.
I'm picking up a signal.
They've got a phone! If you get this message, Giles,|get help and get out here Hello? - What happened?|- It went dead.
- Want me to cut that leg off?|- No, thanks.
Continue proceeding South|90 metres to vector three, Giles, it's me, And Cordelia, We're in a cabin|in Miller's Woods, and we're in big trouble, Why is it every time I go somewhere with|you, it always ends in violence and terror? - Welcome to my life.
|- I don't wanna be in your life.
I wanna be in my life.
Well, there's the door.
Please feel free|to walk out at anytime and live your life.
All I wanted was to be Homecoming Queen.
And that's all I wanted too, Cordelia.
I spent a year's allowance on this dress.
I don't get why you care about Homecoming|when you're doing stuff like this.
Because this is all I do.
|This is what my life is.
You couldn't understand.
I just thought Homecoming Queen.
I could pick up a yearbook someday|and say "I was there.
" I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world.
And there'd be proof.
Proof that I was chosen|for something other than this.
Besides I look cute in a tiara.
Do you hear Cor, the gun! Cordelia, the spatula.
Prepare to launch.
target's in range, Ready your weapon, Y-axis 53 degrees west by 8 degrees south, Launch.
We gotta get back to the library.
Easy, darlin'.
These things go through you|faster than Grandpa Pete's chilli.
I wanna do Buffy.
My weddin' present|for what happened to your poor brother.
- Tector.
|- When's she comin'? Well, he's her watcher.
She'll show -just as soon as she|gets rid of some of our competition.
They're heading west.
Back into town.
- They got away?|- Temporarily.
Well, give it up for the slayers.
|They got character.
I'll take care of it.
Evening, gentlemen.
How may I help you? Excuse me.
Anybody got a warrant here? Jungle Bob and spike-head are down and out.
|The Germans keep finding us.
If we take them out,|we can still make Homecoming.
Those animals! Hunting us down|like poor defenceless Well, animals.
We just need to find Gil Candy! I'm gonna kill both you slayers for this!|You hear me? I hear you, you redneck moron.
|You got a dress that goes with that hat? I'm gonna Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs,|boil my brain and eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle-brain.
We've taken out|four of your cronies and your girlfriend.
- Wife!|- Whatever.
The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat.
|See, in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up.
I'm the queen.
You get me mad,|what do you think I'm gonna do to you? Later.
That should teach him|to mistake you for a slayer.
Yes, I must admit I do feel partly responsible.
I did give your friends tacit approval|to make the switch in the limousine.
It's OK.
It gave Cor and I a chance|to spend some quality death time.
- And we got these free corsages.
|- Oh.
That's nice.
Although I don't recall|them mentioning corsages.
Jungle Bob said that the Germans|were hooked into a computer system.
And they're hooked into us.
- Oh God, get rid of these things.
|- I need some wet toilet paper.
Yeah! That'll help.
transmitting coordinates now, They're 50 feet away.
Axis 6 degrees by 43, I have them in range.
I have the targets together,|20 feet north and stationary, Final position is locked, Fire when ready, Both targets 7 degrees by 35.
Adjust.
Right ten degrees.
Fire.
I won.
- Hello! Nice to meet you.
|- Yeah.
Hi, it's a pleasure.
Where am I? In my office.
I'm Richard Wilkins,|Mayor of Sunnydale.
And you're Mr Trick.
Please, sit down.
That's an exciting suit.
- Well, clothes make the man.
|- Well, as I understand it, you're not a man exactly.
Mr Trick, I've been the Mayor|for quite some time.
I like things to run smoothly.
|This is a very important year for me.
- Election year.
|- Something like that.
If you're telling me I don't fit in here|in your quiet neighbourhood, you can just skip it, cos that all got old|long before I became a vampire.
Do you have children? Children are the heart of a community.
|They need to be looked after.
Controlled.
The more rebellious element|needs to be dealt with.
The children are our future.
|We need them.
I need them.
If this rebellious element|means who I think it does, that problem may be|taken care of this very night.
So I've heard.
That's a very enterprising idea|you have: SlayerFest.
I love that name, by the way.
You see,|that's the kind of initiative I need on my team.
- What if I don't wanna be a part of the team?|- Oh, no, that won't be an issue.
See, you and I are gonna get along very well.
Moist towelette? Hey, guys, the moment|we've all been waiting for.
They're gonna announce the queen.
|Where are they? What's keeping them? I'm gonna go with mud wrestling.
- Oh, God! What did you do to each other?|- Long story.
- Got hunted.
|- Apparently not that long.
Tell you one thing, though:|you don't wanna mess with Cordelia.
No.
In this envelope, I hold the name|of this year's Homecoming Queen.
After all we've been through tonight,|this whole queen-capade seems pretty - Damn important.
|- Oh, yeah.
And the winner is Hey, I believe we have a first|for Sunnydale High.
We have a tie.
The winners are Holly Charleston|and Michelle Blake.
I'm just so honoured.
I can't believe it! I mean,|that you would pick me - or us - out of every girl in the whole school.
|It's just so wonderful! I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry