Citizen Khan (2012) s03e05 Episode Script

1 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
They all know me.
Do you like my suit? Number one.
Citizen Khan.
So, what do you think? It's quite expensive.
Amjad, I'm collecting a VIP from the airport today.
- I need to make a good impression.
- Who is it? An imam.
Returning from missionary work in the Middle East.
He's also a renowned scholar, so it's a great honour to bring him to the mosque.
Via my house.
Anyway, they do police vehicles for free, so why don't you pop in the shop, tell them who you are, and Mohammed's your uncle! I don't think I can do that, sir.
- Amjad? - I can't be party to this.
Amjad! Amjad! Oh, twadi! Mind my hat! My hat! Sweetie, I still got some wax in my ears, can you do them for me? Ooh That's really wedged in there, isn't it? Mmm Ah! Got it! That is gross.
What do you mean, gross? She's cleaning your ears out? Well, someone's got to do it.
Now, don't drip on anything else.
And if you want to cut your toenails, use a plastic bag.
All right.
Is this your idea of a good time? We've had worse.
Don't you want to go out for dinner, or go to a party or something? Sometimes.
Oh, you mean with your mother? You never go out together.
Rubbish.
We went out last weekend.
- Where to? - Cash and carry.
We bought 12 catering-sized tins of chopped tomatoes! It's different for me and Amjad.
It's like we complete each other.
If I watch a sunset, or hear a beautiful piece of music, it means nothing unless Amjad's there to share it with me.
You're never romantic like that with Mum.
Shazia, every marriage has its own kind of romance.
For some people it's music and sunsets, and for others, it's nail clippings and cleaning your husband's lugholes.
That's really sweet, Papaji.
What do you think of my outfit? Good, eh! And Debbie said I have to wear these as well.
Isn't it brilliant? Hilarious.
Shazia, you can't be dressed like that, the imam's coming.
Don't worry, I'm not hanging round here.
I'm going out tonight.
I'm having a hen do.
What?! Shazia, what is this madness? What do you mean? It's just a hen do.
Promise me you won't go through with it.
I forbid you! You've got to have a hen do before you get married.
But why does it have to be Hindu? Couldn't you make do with a nice Catholic boy? Or even a Jew? They're almost the same as us.
It's a hen do, Dad! It's just me and my girlfriends on a night out.
Nothing to do with Hindus! Oh, thank god! What did you think it was? I don't know.
But just make sure you behave yourself.
Because I'll know if you don't.
I'm your father and nothing gets past me.
Papaji, there's a 24-hour prayerathon at the mosque.
Will you sponsor me? Of course, sweetie.
Aw! Me and Debbie are going to a nail salon, and then we're going to a really nice restaurant where we're meeting the rest of my mates.
Shazia, this isn't a very becoming outfit for respectable Pakistani woman.
You wouldn't catch your mother dressing like that.
Ta-da! Oh, God, not you as well! I'm so excited about tonight.
We are going to have such a good time! We? Now, you know I'm out tonight, don't you? But I've done you a chicken curry and Mr Khan will be here to look after you.
Ha! Why you leave me alone with that idiot? Mum? - Haan, beti.
- What's going on? Oh, I'm just trying to get everything ready for tonight.
So it's you, me, Alia, Debbie obviously.
Who else is coming? Mum, I don't think this is right.
- What? - You coming out with us.
On my hen do.
Oh.
Oh, you mean because I'd be leaving Naanijaan? Yes.
Exactly.
It's not right.
No, I suppose it isn't.
- Naanijaan? - Haan.
How would you like to come on Shazia's hen do? Eh? We can all go out together.
What do you think? Haan! Great! Isn't that great?! Yeah! Great! Better be a strippergram! Ah.
I mean, I know it's not ideal, having your mother with you on a hen do, but I'll do my best to deal with it.
- Why don't you go and find her a tutu? - OK.
I'll phone Debbie and let her know.
Hi, is anyone home? Hi, Amjad! In here! Oh! Sorry, Mrs Khan! I didn't mean to! What is it? I think I accidentally saw your underwear! Oh, no, no, no.
You didn't see my underwear.
- Oh.
- You saw my tutu.
Oh, my God! So, when the imam arrives, we welcome him into the house Take a picture, it lasts longer.
Why are we bringing him here? Because last year he took someone from the mosque back with him to do missionary work, all expenses paid.
You're going to do missionary work with the imam? No, I'm getting off in Dubai and spending two weeks by the pool at the five-star Burj Khalifa.
Top up my tan, isn't it! I thought I might be the one to go to Dubai.
I am the mosque manager.
You lot need to stay out of the sun, Dave.
I think we should let the imam decide.
Fine, we'll let the imam decide.
I'm sure he'll be entirely impartial.
Once I've given him my present.
- You've got him a present? - What is it? It's a secret.
The imam's going to love it! Hello, boys! That's not it.
Do you like my tutu? That's the name of her dress.
What's Officer Dibble doing here? I've come for my stag do.
That should be a laugh.
What bunch of losers are taking him out on a stag do? You are.
What? I promised Amjad.
I'm taking Shazia on a hen night, so I think it's only right that you should give Amjad a stag do.
Stag do? Have you seen The Hangover, sweetie? We're Muslims! Let me tell you, in the Muslim version of The Hangover there's no drinking, no forgetting, everyone home by 8.
30.
But this could be your chance to really bond with Amjad.
He is going to be your son-in-law, after all.
Don't remind me.
Don't you remember the relationship you had with my father? He could never warm to you.
True.
But he did eventually stop throwing stones at me.
You know how hard that was for me.
What about me! He was a blooming good shot.
Right, so you'll do it.
But I've got to pick up the imam.
No.
This is more important than picking up the imam.
But, sweetie Fine.
And no rowdy stuff! I don't want him looking stupid in public! It's a bit late to start worrying about that.
Here we go - Cola for you.
- Thanks.
Ginger beer for you.
Thank you.
And lemonade for you.
I asked for Fanta orange.
They only had one left.
So, Amjad.
Pretty cool, huh? Just the boys, out cruising.
So, what's the plan, Mr Khan? Are we going to be painting the town red? Well, I got a few special treats lined up.
But first, it's a trip to the airport! Whoo-hoo! - Where are we going? - Are we going to Euro Disney? That would be awesome.
No, it's better than that.
We're going to pick up the imam! Whoo-hoo! OK, so, snog, marry, avoid.
You go first, Naani.
- Ready? - Haan.
George Clooney Snog! Wait, you have to hear all the options first.
No need.
Just leave me with Georgie! Kill me now.
So, are you looking forward to your big day? - Yeah.
- It's going to be great, isn't it? Yeah.
You're going to be married! Yeah.
Soon you won't be Shazia any more, you'll be Mrs Malik! What? Or will Amjad be Mr Khan? Amjad's not going to turn into my dad! Epic, you're going to be married to Am-dad! No, I didn't mean Just because we're getting married, it doesn't mean we'll turn into different people! Married couples don't have to be unromantic! No, beti, of course not! How long have you been married, Mrs Khan? 25 years.
And I bet you and Mr Khan have had some wonderful times together, haven't you? Ah, beti, we've had some wonderful times.
But not together! Me and my husband, we were blissfully happy for 20 years.
Then we met! I never knew what happiness was until I was married.
Aw! Then it was too late! Oh! Come on, lighten up, it's your hen do.
Right.
And they're just kidding.
Marriage isn't really like that.
I suppose.
It's an amazing thing.
You and Amjad are going to be really happy together.
Are you and Matt ever going to get married? God, no! I don't want to ruin it! Naani said she would marry Ginger Dave! I haven't had this much fun in 25 years! Please, Imam, sir.
Welcome to my humble abode.
Please, take my chair.
Glad to be back in Sparkhill? All right, Dave.
Don't suck up to him! So, I understand you might be taking someone from the mosque back with you to do missionary work.
Will there be classes to study religious texts? Oh, yes, I love the classes.
Will you be holding them at a mosque, or at the loungers by the pool? I don't know.
I always find I study best at a waterslide park.
Perhaps the imam would like a drink? All right, Dave, I was about to ask him that.
Perhaps the imam would like a drink? - I'll have tea.
- Tea! Great! Dave, why don't you make the imam some tea? Me? But I'm the mosque manager.
Then see if you can ' "manage'" to make some tea.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Salman I like him, Mr Khan.
Keith from next door.
Not Muslim.
I would be honoured, Imam, sir, if you would accept this special gift from me to you.
Is that a prayer mat? It's not just any prayer mat.
I had Keith make it especially.
I've been up all night tinkering in my shed.
All right, all right.
It's not about you.
What's so special about this prayer mat? Well, I'm glad you asked, Dave.
Imagine the scene.
It's prayer time.
And you've done your ablutions and you're all ready to go.
But wait a minute, what's that I hear you say? ' "I'm facing the wrong way! '" You see, the problem with normal prayer mats, is that you have to keep on manually turning them around.
But not any more! With Mr Khan's Automatic Turning Prayer Mat, in no time at all, you'll find that you're facing the right way.
Towards Mecca.
That's more like Redditch now.
- Stop it now, Keith! - Milford Haven.
Penzance.
- Great Yarmouth.
- All right, Keith! Stop it now! Stop it now, please, Keith! Stop it! Oh, will you stop it?! Stop it! Oh, look out! It could also work as a new ride at Alton Towers! Get more Pakistanis in.
Is this still part of my stag do? Amjad, shush! We can't talk about a stag do in front of the imam! He's not going to take me with him to Dubai if he thinks I've brought him on a stag do, is he? Well, what should I talk to him about, then? I don't know.
Why don't you start by showing him your truncheon? This is a disaster.
What's wrong with the imam? Yeah, he does seem a bit grumpy.
- What have you done to upset him? - I haven't done anything! Well, something's going on.
He didn't even like my automatic prayer mat.
Yes, that is odd Well, I need to keep him sweet.
Nothing's stopping me from getting wet and wild in Dubai.
What is the meaning of this? This boy tells me he's supposed to be on his stag do right here and now.
Amjad! - Sorry, sir.
- Is this true? Well, you see, the thing is I love a stag do! You do? Of course.
Wow, I thought you guys were a right bunch of wet blankets.
But now I find you're in the middle of a stag do the whole time! Yes.
Funny, that, eh? You're a pretty cool guy, Khan.
Well, you know I'm a cool guy.
So, what you got lined up? You got to humiliate the stag, right? Exactly.
What? Do something really hilarious, like, er, handcuff him to a lamppost in his underpants! Or shaving off his eyebrows and rubbing toothpaste on his No, we don't want to be doing anything like that.
Who asked you, Ginger Nuts? Yeah, Dave.
Keep out of this.
This is Pakistani man stuff! Too right, Khanny baby.
So, what do you reckon? What are we going to do to the victim? Leave it with me.
Oh, brilliant! But but Mrs Khan said Mrs Khan says a lot of things.
But what you've got to remember is I won't be able to hear them when I'm sat sipping a virgin piña colada on Jumeirah bloomin' Beach! Men, eh? They're all the same.
Before you're married, they're all kind and thoughtful and it's all wine and roses.
Then, as soon as they stick a ring on your finger, you're in the kitchen making tea and they're on the sofa in their pants watching Match Of The Day.
My husband was useless.
Forgot my birthday for 50 years! Aw! Oh, that's awful.
No-one has that bad a memory Who are you? But Dad didn't change when you got married, did he? Of course he did.
What? He's always been the same, hasn't he? Same suit and hat, same car, same beard It's not like he suddenly changed the day you got married.
Your father was a very stylish dresser when I met him.
No way! He wore very fashionable clothes - platform heels Brilliant! open shirts with big collars Classic! and tight leather trousers that left nothing to the imagination.
Oh, no! What happened to him? As soon as we were married, he started dressing differently - bought his first suit, swapped the platform heels for a pair of slippers and locked the leather trousers away for ever.
Don't worry, though.
It's not like that's going to happen to you.
I need to see Amjad! You know where you'll find him, love.
He'll be sat in front of Gary Lineker scratching his down belows.
Shazia! What are they doing up there? I hope Amjad's all right.
Lighten up, Dave.
You converts are so boring.
Islam is all about fun, fun, fun.
Ta-daaa! What do you think? Brilliant! Now we're having a real stag do.
Exactly.
I love it! Are you all right, Amjad? He's fine.
Aren't you? I'm a little bit chilly.
Don't be such a baby! Let's gunk him.
- What? - Pour a load of gunk all over him.
I think we may be out of gunk.
This will do.
Er, are you sure? They are £2.
99.
Oh, no That is hilarious! I'm not having a very nice time, sir.
Right, let's do another tub and take him down to Broad Street! Sir, I can't go out like this.
Stop! That's enough.
What? They're only £2.
99.
It's not about the tomatoes.
He's going to be my son-in-law, and I need to look after him.
- What about Dubai? - I don't care about that.
Dave can do the missionary position with you.
No, you're all right.
Stuff that.
Let's have a drink! I'll make some more tea.
No, I mean a proper drink.
You know, a drop of the hard stuff.
Jungle juice! Um Bongo? Booze! What? But you're an imam! Nope.
Gave it up.
But you're still a Muslim.
Not any more.
I've had six months in Dubai.
Man, that place is wi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ld! Oh, twadi! Come on, you.
- Help me, sir.
- Come on! You saved me! By the power of prayer mat.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
It's all right, there's no need for that.
Oh, twadi! The women are on their way home.
Someone get him out of here.
I could take him round to mine and give him a slurp of my Fruity Tipple.
There's no need to go that far.
No, that's my home brew, Keith's Fruity Tipple.
Oh, right.
And you two, get Amjad upstairs and change his nappy.
- What? - Just get him cleaned up before Mrs Khan arrives! Amjad? Where's Amjad? I need to speak to him now.
In a minute.
- What have you done? - Nothing.
Did you look after him, like I said? Would I ever let you down? I've looked after him, I've bonded with him, and, like any good father-in-law, I've taught him everything I know about being a good husband.
Oh, no! Here he is! Look! Hello, ladhoo.
Can you help me get this stuff out of my ears? I think there's some in my throat as well.
Oh, my God! He's turned into you! The wedding's off.
Shazia! I told you to look after him! But, sweetie, it's not my fault the imam turned out to be the Pakistani Lindsay Lohan! Salaam alaikum, ladies! Oh, hello, Dave.
The Malik wedding.
That's right.
Is it too late to cancel? - Ladhoo, what are you doing? - I'm cancelling the wedding.
Oh, my God! I'll handle this.
Shazia, don't be silly.
You can't cancel the wedding.
I've already paid for the catering! They said they'd give us a refund.
Oh.
Well, that's all right, then.
But, ladhoo, I love you, and you love me.
I know.
And that's why I don't want to get married.
- What? - If we get married, it will kill all the romance.
I don't want to lose that, budhoo.
But, ladhoo, that won't happen to us.
I'll always be romantic.
There you are, you see? But you said when you get married you lose all the romance as well.
- Did I? - Yeah.
You all did.
- At the nail salon.
- Oh.
Do something! Shazia, sweetie, the thing about marriage is, it's it's a bit like the cricket pitch you get at a Test match.
At first it's all firm and bouncy and things are moving about all over the place.
And then, after a few sessions, a few cracks start to appear.
And then, on the fifth day, it's as flat as a pancake and nothing's happening at all.
That's usually when we Pakistanis resort to ball tampering.
What? Shazia what I'm saying is that, yes, OK, things do change after marriage.
But that's life.
And the wonderful thing about marriage is that you have someone to share your journey with.
But what about the romance? What happens to that? I'm still romantic.
Really? For my last birthday, Amjad bought me two dozen red roses and he wrote me a poem.
So? Do you even know when Mum's birthday is? Of course! When is it, then? - The 28th.
Week after next.
- And what have you got her? Well? A jigsaw.
There you are.
Told you.
Right.
Fine.
I wasn't going to give it to you till your birthday, but here you can have it now.
There you are.
It's us! It's from our last anniversary.
You looked so lovely in that picture I had it made especially.
I thought we could do it together.
Do you like it? I love it.
Thank you! Why don't you ever do anything like that? There we are, all finished.
It's a lovely picture, isn't it? Haan.
And you look so thin.
I got Alia to Photoshop it.
Do you think we're still romantic? Of course.
I might go up.
OK.
Are you coming? Haan.
Sweetie? I think I need some talcum powder.